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Magazine Jokes

99 magazine jokes and hilarious magazine puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about magazine that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Enjoy a selection of hilarious jokes about some of your favorite magazines, from Maxim to Playboy, Mad Magazine to Parade, AARP to Highlights, Boy Scouts and Penthouse! Whatever you're looking for, you're sure to find a joke here that'll have you and your editor or publisher laughing out loud.

Funniest Magazine Short Jokes

Short magazine jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The magazine humour may include short newspaper jokes also.

  1. I once dated a girl that collected magazines. We had to break up because she had too many issues.
  2. A friend of mine has been collecting magazines for 10 years. That guy has a lot of issues.
  3. A guy is buying some game DVDs, some magazines and a six pack. Cashier : "You must be single."
    Guy: "Wow, how did you know?"
    Cashier: "Because you're ugly."
  4. A man was bragging about how good he was He said that he was the time magazine's person of the year in 2006.
  5. What did the left leg say to the right leg? Between me and you, we need a haircut.
    (I got this from some UK magazine years ago)
  6. It was close to our anniversary and my wife was leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house. So I took the hint and did what any astute husband would do. I got her a magazine rack.
  7. my gf was dropping hints and leaving jewelry/ring catalogues around I got so fed up I bought her a magazine organiser
  8. Time magazine just contracted me to row a boat for their next cover photo. I'm Time's new Row-man
  9. I went through three magazines on a train yesterday. I'd killed a dozen people by the time they wrestled the gun off me.
  10. Why should you never marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.
    I read that joke in 1998 in an SI for Kids magazine and it literally is the only joke I can tell from memory.

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Magazine One Liners

Which magazine one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with magazine? I can suggest the ones about journal and article.

  1. What does a Trump supporter use to load his/her AR-15? A MAGAzine.
  2. I am completely obsessed with collecting magazines. What can I say, I have issues.
  3. How many magazines do you need to buy to get a pair of tennis shoes? Ten issues.
  4. I just got a new job at a gay magazine. I'm a poofreader.
  5. Why doesn't Trump read books? He only reads MAGAzines
  6. I take issue with people stealing magazines.
  7. I feel sorry for people who sell magazines. Seems like they got a lot of issues.
  8. Women are like magazines They have a lot of issues
  9. A new magazine store opened near me. They have so many issues.
  10. What should you buy so you always have ammunition on hand? A magazine subscription.
  11. I subscribed to a great new magazine the other day. There's just one issue.
  12. All the kids at Sandyhook wanted books... But all they got was magazines.
  13. I feel bad for the kids at Sandy Hook... They wanted books but instead they got magazines
  14. What do you call a swimsuit magazine for American liberals?
  15. Instead of The sandy Hook students recieving books... They got Magazines instead.

Playboy Magazine Jokes

Here is a list of funny playboy magazine jokes and even better playboy magazine puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Did you hear about the new p**... magazine for married men? Every month it has the same centerfold.
  • Why do pirates love p**... Magazine? You'd think it's for the b**..., but they really read it for the arrrticles.
  • p**... are coming out with a new magazine especially for married men. Every month it's exactly the same woman.
  • p**... is coming out with a new magazine for married men Every month the centerfold is the exact same woman.
  • Did you hear about the new magazine for married men published by p**...? It has the same pictures month after month after month after month after month....
  • p**... is starting a new magazine specifically for married men. It has the same centerfold every month!
  • What does a p**... Magazine and a Model T Ford have in common? These days they're both hard to come by.
  • Why are old p**... Magazines so coveted and expensive? because the Centerfolds used to be scratch-n-sniff.
  • So I came across this p**... magazine.

Mad Magazine Jokes

Here is a list of funny mad magazine jokes and even better mad magazine puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What was the #1 summer blockbuster, according to Cat Fancy magazine? Mad Manx: Furry Road
Magazine joke, What was the #1 summer blockbuster, according to Cat Fancy magazine?

Comical Magazine Jokes and Gems that Will Get You in Laughter Land

What funny jokes about magazine you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean news jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make magazine pranks.

Three nuns were talking...

The first nun said, "I was cleaning the father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!" 
"What did you do?" the other nuns asked. 
"Well, of course I threw them all in the trash." 
The second nun said, "Well, yesterday, I was in the father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms." 
"Oh my," gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked. 
"I poked holes in all of them," she replied. 
The third nun said, "Oh s**...." 

I posed n**... for a magazine today

Although from the reaction I got, I think the newsstand owner would have preferred money

Reading the horoscope.

Reading the horoscope that her favorite female magazine publishes, a lady said in a sorry tone to her husband:
- Oh! This is s**...! This is s**...!
- What is it?
- If you were born only a day earlier, you would be intelligent, brave and passionate.

The gift.

Knowing that the minister had a very sore t**..., an elderly woman presented him with a bottle of cherry brandy.
"This is quite soothing, the woman said, "but please don't tell anyone I gave you liquor. Everyone thinks I am teetotaler."
"I understand," replied the good man.
When the church magazine came out a few days later, the congregant skimmed the "With Appreciation" column. There she read: "The minister extends his thanks to Mrs. Alice Rodgers for her gift of fruit and the spirit in which it was given."

Three nuns were talking about their chores...

Three nuns were talking about their chores. The first nun says: "I was putting away father's laundry, when i found some pornographic magazines in his drawer!"
"So what did you do?" The second nun asks.
"I threw them away." The first nun replies.
The second nun scoffs and says she can top that. "When I was making father's bed, I found some condoms underneath his pillow!"
"So what did you do?" The first nun asks.
"I poked holes in all of them!" The second nun exclaims.
The third nun fainted.

The Good Old Days!

Grandpa was always going on about the good old days, and the lower cost of living, in particular to his grandson.
"When I was a kid, my mom could send me to the store, and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves o' bread, a magazine, and some new blue jeans... all for a dollar!!
"Grandson, "You can't DO that anymore..... they got those darn video cameras everywhere you look." 

A young mother is cleaning her son Jimmy's room...

When she stumbles upon an s**... magazine underneath his pillow. She freaks out because young Jimmy is only 8 years old. She runs to her room where she meets her husband.
"Bill, look what I found underneath Jimmy's pillow! He's only 8, what should we do??!"
The husband eyes the magazine and ponders.
"...Well we can't s**... him."

A cop is out on patrol, and sees a car parked in the local lover's lane, with the windows all steamed up.

He knocks on the drivers window, and the guy inside rolls it down. The cop sees that there is a guy sitting in the front seat, fully clothed, and a girl in the back seat, also fully clothed.
"What are you up to here, son?"
"Well, officer, I'm reading a magazine, as you can see."
"And what's she doing back there?"
"I think she's playing a game on her phone."
"Have you been drinking tonight?"
"No, sir. I'm only twenty."
"And how old is she?"
The guy looks at his watch and says, "Sir, in eleven minutes she'll be eighteen."

Three nuns are gossiping about a priest.

The first nun said, "I was going through father's desk and found pornographic magazines in his drawer."
The second nun gasped and asked, "What did you do with them?"
"I burned them."
The second nun then said, "I was going through father's drawers and found a box of condoms."
The first nun gasped and asked, "What did you do with them?"
"I poked holes in them."
The third nun fainted.

My dad always grabbed a copy of O, The Oprah Magazine, when we were in the checkout line...

He'd hold it up, and in an excited, but serious voice, he'd say "This has to be some sort of record! She made the cover *AGAIN!*

Mom says to Dad:

"I've found a b**... magazine under our son's bed. What are we supposed to do about it?"
Dad replies: "I don't know honey, but I think, hitting him would be very wrong."

Second Honeymoon

Wife was reading a travel magazine and asked her husband..
"Honey, should we try Greece for our second honeymoon?"
Husband replied "What's wrong with k**...?"

A man and his wife find an S & M magazine under their son's bed.

Mom says "This is horrible, what should we do?"
Dad replies, "Well we can't s**... him!"

50 Shades of Little Johnny

Johnny's Mum was cleaning under his bed when she found a stash of b**... magazines.
A bit concerned she asks Johnny's Dad what he thinks she should do.
Johnny's Dad responds "whatever else you do, don't s**... him"

Why did the biology magazine put a picture of gametes on their cover?

Because s**... cells.

I read this joke in a 1974 p**... magazine today.

An elderly man died and went to purgatory. There he ran into a friend his age, who is accompanied by a luscious young blonde. "I'm happy for you, Steve", said the new arrival. "At least you're getting a partial reward in this place while you expiate your sins."
"She isn't my reward", sighed Steve, "I'm her punishment!"

I bought a Cosmo magazine that said "Best s**... Ever!"

All I got was a bunch of papercuts.

A Mother walks into her son's room and finds a b**... magazine.

She asks her husband what they should do about it, to which he replies "well, we definitely shouldn't s**... him."

My parents found an s**... magazine under my brother's bed...

My dad said, "Well, spanking him is out of the question."

Parking...

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate.
He walked up to the driver's window and knocked.
The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, officer?"
"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.
"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"
The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."
"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man.
"I'm nineteen," he replied.
"And how old is she?" asked the officer.
.
.
.
The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."

Wife arrives home late at night from a business trip and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

Wife arrives home late at night from a business trip and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. But she notices four legs instead of two peeking from under the blanket!
Seized by a fit of rage, she reaches for the baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket until the screaming stops.
Still in shock, she lurches to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Oh welcome home darling," he says, "my parents came for a visit, so I let them have our bedroom. I hope you said hello."

Mom finds a large number of b**... magazines beneath her sons bed.

Calls her husband up to the room to show him and discuss.
"What do you think we should do?" she asks.
Father frowns and responds "Well I guess spanking him is out of the question"

A man with a gun walks in to a bar...

He unholsters the weapon and waves it in the air, shouting, "I have a 45 caliber Colt 1911 with 7 rounds in the magazine and one in the chamber, and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife!"
A voice from the back shouts, "you're gonna need more ammo!"

What do you call a 5 year old kid with no friends?

A Sandy Hook survivor
All they wanted was books but instead they got magazines

I hate it when people lie to me

Like one time I broke up with a girl who told me she had a lot of abandonment issues. I looked it up online and it isn't even a real magazine.
So I just up and packed my things and left right there in the middle of the night.

A mother cleaning her 12 year old's bedroom

A mum is cleaning her 12year old son's bedroom and finds a load of b**... gears and f**... magazines.
She asks her husband, "What do I do?"
He says, "I'm not sure, but whatever you do, don't s**... him!"

One day Mom was cleaning junior's room

and in the closet she found a b**... S+M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word. She finally asked him, " Well what should we do about this?" Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should s**... him."

Short gun story

A man walked into a crowded bar waving his unholstered p**... and yelled, "I have a colt 45 model 1911 with a seven round magazine plus one in the chamber and I want to know who is sleeping with my wife!"
A voice yelled from the back of the bar, "You're gonna need more ammo!"

A wife comes home late one night

She quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

This economy is getting so bad, I had to pose n**... for a magazine

I'm never going back to *that* newsstand!
-Emo Philips

Mom Cleaning Son's Room and Finds a b**... Magazine...

This mad her very upset. She put it back under his bed until his father got home and showed him.
He gave it a look and handed it right back to her without a word, so she asked him, 'What should we do about this?'
Dad paused and said, 'Well I don't think you should s**... him.'

I hate women who lie over the smallest things.

My girlfriend of 2 months told me she had a lot of abandonment issues. I looked it up online and that's not even a real magazine. So I packed my bags and left her.

A Cosmopolitan magazine poll revealed that 29% of women have never m**....

Meanwhile, 29% of men m**... just reading about the poll.

I met a girl last night & after so flirting asked her if she wanted to come home with me to play "Doctor"?

So when we got to my place, I left her sitting on my couch with a bunch of out dated magazines on the end table for 2 1/2 hours before I came out of my bedroom.

Subscriptions

Steve and Cliff are having this talk. Steve says, "My wife lets me subscribe to National Geographic and p**... for the same reason." Cliff says, "Why?"
Steve says, "Because with both magazines, I get to see places I'll never get to visit."

One Day

Editors of a magazine asked 50 women what they would do if they had a male s**... o**... for one day. Most of them said, "Probably get a salary increase."

When he was a teenager, little Johnny's father caught him reading one of his older sister's magazines. Son, why are you reading that s**... magazine? he asked.

There's an article that tells women where to meet men, Johnny responded, pointing to the magazine's cover. I need to know where I'm supposed to be.

Boxers or Briefs, Mr. President?

In 1992 while being interviewed by MTV, Bill Clinton was asked if he wore boxers or briefs? Clinton replied, "Boxers"
In 2008 US magazine asked Obama, "Boxers or briefs"? Obama declined to answer the question.
Last week AARP asked Joe Biden, "Boxers or briefs"? Biden responded, "Depends".

A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a plate of bamboo…

When he's finished with his meal, he hops up onto the table, pulls out two Glock 45s and unloads both magazines, blasting everything in sight.
When the guns empty, he throws them down and starts walking towards the door. The bartender looks up from behind the bar and yells, Hey! What the h**..., man?
The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:
"A tree dwelling bear of Asian orgin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats bamboo shoots and leaves.

A woman explains to her doctor her recent issues with going to the bathroom.

I've had horrible constipation, she explains.
I haven't been able to go for weeks.
Are you doing anything for it? the doctor asks.
Well, I'll force myself to sit on the toilet for a half hour in the morning and a half hour before bed.
No, I meant are you taking anything?
Oh, she replies. Yeah, I usually take a magazine.

A wife comes home late one night...

...and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two.

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

Season ticket

Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing.
"Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."
"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.
Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"
"Absolutely not," he said.
"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not."
"Season's more than half over," he said.

Why does nobody like playing FPS games with Boy Scouts?

Because they're good at camping.
(Credit goes to the Scout's Life magazine I got today for making one of the worst scout jokes I've ever seen.)

This one only works if you're familiar with New Orleans

A man was walking down the street when he came upon a guy lying face down in the gutter. Not knowing if the guy was passed out or dead, he dials 911…
Operator: 911 what's your emergency?
Man: I've come upon a body lying in the gutter. He could be dead or passed out, I'm not sure
Operator: we'll send a patrol car, what's your location?
Man (looking up at the street sign): I'm on T Soup… No, I'm on T choopsol… No no, I'm on Toolsoulp…. No. d**.... Give me a few minutes. I'm gonna drag the body to Magazine and call you back!

Cop on Patrol

A cop is patrolling at night and sees a car parked in lover's lane.
He knocks on the window, when it's rolled down he sees a guy in the front seat playing on his phone and a girl in the back seat reading a magazine.
The cop says What's going on here?
The guy says, nothing at all officer.
Cop says Let's see some ID, how old are you? The guy hands the cop his license and says he's 27.
The cop says, And her, how old is she?
The guy looks at his watch and says
She will be 18 in exactly 9 minutes.

A guy walks into a bar waving a p**...

He yells I've got a 7 round magazine and one in the chamber, now I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife!
A guy from the back of the room calls out you're gonna need more ammo!

I went to a new family doctor today

I went to a new family doctor today. The waiting room was spacious, new renovation, nice and beautiful nurses. And it got a sign:
"We respect our patients' privacy, we will not call you by name".
Quite good eh, I thought.
Completed the registration, I sat down in the waiting area, reading the latest car magazine. A moment later, the nurse speak with the mic:
"The man age 32, with haemorrhoids, please proceed to examination room number 3".

Magazine joke, I went to a new family doctor today

jokes about magazine