The Best 64 Magazine Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Magazine jokes. There are some magazine centerfold jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these magazine periodical puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 Funniest Magazine Jokes and Puns
So there was a contest going on in Reader's Digest.
It was a pun contest, and as I thought myself to be a pretty funny guy, I decided to enter. I spent several hours thinking of them, and I ended up submitting 10 of them to the magazine. When the results came out, I was crushed, I totally thought that I was going to win, but no pun in ten did.
Did you hear about the new Playboy magazine for married men?
Every month it has the same centerfold.
I posed naked for a magazine today
Although from the reaction I got, I think the newsstand owner would have preferred money
Reading the horoscope.
Reading the horoscope that her favorite female magazine publishes, a lady said in a sorry tone to her husband:
- Oh! This is stupid! This is stupid!
- What is it?
- If you were born only a day earlier, you would be intelligent, brave and passionate.
The gift.
Knowing that the minister had a very sore throat, an elderly woman presented him with a bottle of cherry brandy.
"This is quite soothing, the woman said, "but please don't tell anyone I gave you liquor. Everyone thinks I am teetotaler."
"I understand," replied the good man.
When the church magazine came out a few days later, the congregant skimmed the "With Appreciation" column. There she read: "The minister extends his thanks to Mrs. Alice Rodgers for her gift of fruit and the spirit in which it was given."
The Good Old Days!
Grandpa was always going on about the good old days, and the lower cost of living, in particular to his grandson.
"When I was a kid, my mom could send me to the store, and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves o' bread, a magazine, and some new blue jeans... all for a dollar!!
"Grandson, "You can't DO that anymore..... they got those darn video cameras everywhere you look."
A young mother is cleaning her son Jimmy's room...
When she stumbles upon an S&M magazine underneath his pillow. She freaks out because young Jimmy is only 8 years old. She runs to her room where she meets her husband.
"Bill, look what I found underneath Jimmy's pillow! He's only 8, what should we do??!"
The husband eyes the magazine and ponders.
"...Well we can't spank him."
My dad always grabbed a copy of O, The Oprah Magazine, when we were in the checkout line...
He'd hold it up, and in an excited, but serious voice, he'd say "This has to be some sort of record! She made the cover *AGAIN!*
Mom says to Dad:
"I've found a BDSM magazine under our son's bed. What are we supposed to do about it?"
Dad replies: "I don't know honey, but I think, hitting him would be very wrong."
Second Honeymoon
Wife was reading a travel magazine and asked her husband..
"Honey, should we try Greece for our second honeymoon?"
Husband replied "What's wrong with KY?"
A man and his wife find an S & M magazine under their son's bed.
Mom says "This is horrible, what should we do?"
Dad replies, "Well we can't spank him!"
You can explore magazine publisher reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean magazine journal dad jokes. There are also magazine puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Why did the biology magazine put a picture of gametes on their cover?
Because sex cells.
After seeing the Kim Kardashian cover of Paper Magazine, Sir Mix-a-lot, reportedly tipped his hat, muttered that his work here was done and rocketed into space to return to his home planet
Uranus...
I read this joke in a 1974 Playboy magazine today.
An elderly man died and went to purgatory. There he ran into a friend his age, who is accompanied by a luscious young blonde. "I'm happy for you, Steve", said the new arrival. "At least you're getting a partial reward in this place while you expiate your sins."
"She isn't my reward", sighed Steve, "I'm her punishment!"
Hydrogen is a light, odorless gas, which, given enough time, turns into people.
\- Edward Robert Harrison, *Smithsonian Magazine*, December, 1995.
50% of a woman's magazine is telling you to accept yourself - you're beautiful just the way you are!
The other 50% is telling you how to lose 5 lbs in a week.
What does a Playboy Magazine and a Model T Ford have in common?
These days they're both hard to come by.
This popped into my head when I was half asleep. Figured I'd share.
What does a Sparkle magazine model call her g-spot?
Her glitterus
I bought a Cosmo magazine that said "Best Sex Ever!"
All I got was a bunch of papercuts.
A Mother walks into her son's room and finds a BDSM magazine.
She asks her husband what they should do about it, to which he replies "well, we definitely shouldn't spank him."
My parents found an S&M magazine under my brother's bed...
My dad said, "Well, spanking him is out of the question."
Parking...
A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate.
He walked up to the driver's window and knocked.
The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, officer?"
"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.
"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"
The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."
"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man.
"I'm nineteen," he replied.
"And how old is she?" asked the officer.
.
.
.
The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."
If I was the editor of a magazine, I would put gametes on the cover
Because sex cells.
A reasonably attractive girl applied for a modelling job in a glamour magazine
She was a candid eight.
Why do pirates love Playboy Magazine?
You'd think it's for the booty, but they really read it for the arrrticles.
When I was a kid, you could go into a corner shop with $1 and come out with 2 cokes, 3 Freedos and a magazine.
Nowadays, CCTV everywhere.
Playboy is starting a new magazine specifically for married men.
It has the same centerfold every month!
I got caught
I got caught masturbating recently, to a National Geographic magazine. I don't know who was more embarrassed — me or my dentist.
I went through three magazines on a train yesterday.
I'd killed a dozen people by the time they wrestled the gun off me.
I just got a new job at a gay magazine.
I'm a poofreader.
If the magazine for snipers is called "The Bulletin", what's the magazine for medics called?
The Bulletout
What was the preferred magazine of the bear that hung out behind the library?
Digest Readers.
What do you call a cow that starts it's own nudie magazine?
Hugh Heifer
A man with a gun walks in to a bar...
He unholsters the weapon and waves it in the air, shouting, "I have a 45 caliber Colt 1911 with 7 rounds in the magazine and one in the chamber, and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife!"
A voice from the back shouts, "you're gonna need more ammo!"
I just got subscription to a Magazine About lettuce...
...I mean, It's fun to leaf through, and full of crisp facts -*And that's just issue 1!* The publishers assure me that it's only the tip of the iceberg! Gee, I can't wait for issue 2 to see what facts romaine!
What did the left leg say to the right leg?
Between me and you, we need a haircut.
(I got this from some UK magazine years ago)
Thinking of starting a magazine detailing the contents of various famous authors' stomachs...
...I think I'll call it Reader's Digest.
What should you buy so you always have ammunition on hand?
A magazine subscription.
I hate it when people lie to me
Like one time I broke up with a girl who told me she had a lot of abandonment issues. I looked it up online and it isn't even a real magazine.
So I just up and packed my things and left right there in the middle of the night.
One day Mom was cleaning junior's room
and in the closet she found a bondage S+M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word. She finally asked him, " Well what should we do about this?" Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."
What's Boba Fett's favorite magazine?
Sarlacc Digest.
Short gun story
A man walked into a crowded bar waving his unholstered pistol and yelled, "I have a colt 45 model 1911 with a seven round magazine plus one in the chamber and I want to know who is sleeping with my wife!"
A voice yelled from the back of the bar, "You're gonna need more ammo!"
A wife comes home late one night
She quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"
Playboy is coming out with a new magazine for married men
Every month the centerfold is the exact same woman.
This economy is getting so bad, I had to pose nude for a magazine
I'm never going back to *that* newsstand!
-Emo Philips
Why should you never marry a tennis player?
Because love means nothing to them.
I read that joke in 1998 in an SI for Kids magazine and it literally is the only joke I can tell from memory.
How many magazines do you need to buy to get a pair of tennis shoes?
Ten issues.
Mom Cleaning Son's Room and Finds a BDSM Magazine...
This mad her very upset. She put it back under his bed until his father got home and showed him.
He gave it a look and handed it right back to her without a word, so she asked him, 'What should we do about this?'
Dad paused and said, 'Well I don't think you should spank him.'
I subscribed to a great new magazine the other day.
There's just one issue.
I hate women who lie over the smallest things.
My girlfriend of 2 months told me she had a lot of abandonment issues. I looked it up online and that's not even a real magazine. So I packed my bags and left her.
If CRIPSR becomes commercialized, there should be a magazine that advertises its genetic-altering capabilities
And one day, we'll all have a subscription to Breeder's Digest.
A Cosmopolitan magazine poll revealed that 29% of women have never masturbated.
Meanwhile, 29% of men masturbated just reading about the poll.
One Day
Editors of a magazine asked 50 women what they would do if they had a male sex organ for one day. Most of them said, "Probably get a salary increase."
When he was a teenager, little Johnny's father caught him reading one of his older sister's magazines. Son, why are you reading that sissy magazine? he asked.
There's an article that tells women where to meet men, Johnny responded, pointing to the magazine's cover. I need to know where I'm supposed to be.
Boxers or Briefs, Mr. President?
In 1992 while being interviewed by MTV, Bill Clinton was asked if he wore boxers or briefs? Clinton replied, "Boxers"
In 2008 US magazine asked Obama, "Boxers or briefs"? Obama declined to answer the question.
Last week AARP asked Joe Biden, "Boxers or briefs"? Biden responded, "Depends".
A new magazine store opened near me.
They have so many issues.
Time magazine just contracted me to row a boat for their next cover photo.
I'm Time's new Row-man
What does a Trump supporter use to load his/her AR-15?
A MAGAzine.
A woman explains to her doctor her recent issues with going to the bathroom.
I've had horrible constipation, she explains.
I haven't been able to go for weeks.
Are you doing anything for it? the doctor asks.
Well, I'll force myself to sit on the toilet for a half hour in the morning and a half hour before bed.
No, I meant are you taking anything?
Oh, she replies. Yeah, I usually take a magazine.
A wife comes home late one night...
...and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two.
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"
Season ticket
Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing.
"Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."
"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.
Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"
"Absolutely not," he said.
"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not."
"Season's more than half over," he said.
Playboy are coming out with a new magazine especially for married men.
Every month it's exactly the same woman.
Why does nobody like playing FPS games with Boy Scouts?
Because they're good at camping.
(Credit goes to the Scout's Life magazine I got today for making one of the worst scout jokes I've ever seen.)
my gf was dropping hints and leaving jewelry/ring catalogues around
I got so fed up I bought her a magazine organiser
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the magazine cosmo jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working magazine paper piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.