made Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious made stories

What are the best Made puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Made? Well here is a complete list of Made to have fun with:

A joke my 8-year old made up: What do you call a chicken that's afraid of the dark?

A chicken.

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Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump...

But that's comparing apples to oranges.

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I'm assuming that none of the Jenners ask Kylie to make breakfast.

Since she can't even beat an egg

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Where do little jokes come from?

Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke and then they knock knock.

(I made this up myself, I'm really proud of it)

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I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday

Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

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I lent my umbrella to a hot girl yesterday.


That takes the number of girls i've made wet this year to -1

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Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it

Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made

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My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans...

I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"

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My girlfriend kept telling me to treat her like a princess.

So I made her marry an old guy she's never met to secure an alliance with the French.

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In Pokemon, I never understood why bug types were supereffective against dark types.

But then I thought about malaria in Africa and it all made sense.

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My best friend got mad at me because he caught me sniffing his sister's panties

It didn't help that she was still wearing them.

Or that his whole family was there.

That made the rest of his sister's funeral kind of awkward.

And who thought you could make the funeral for such a small child more awkward than it already was..

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I made a joke about net neutrality

Americans didn't get it.

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I bought a dog from a blacksmith this morning...

...within 10 minutes of getting him home he made a bolt for the door.

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I know global warming is bad

but wouldn't it be kinda funny if dinosaurs made humans go extinct?

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I'll like to brag that after 12 Years of marriage, I still have sex with my wife almost every day!

Almost on Monday

Almost on Tuesday

Almost on Wednesday

Almost on Thursday

Almost on Friday

Almost on Saturday

Almost on Sunday.!

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I give to you a joke I made up when I was seven: Why did the computer crash?

It had a bad driver!

**bows **

I'll show myself out.

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How to get rich

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37. Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

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My little sister made a face at my mom and said "Guess who I am?"

My mom answered "Who?"

"Your daughter"

courtesy of my 4 year old sister about 20 minutes ago

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My friend wanted to feel like a princess on her wedding day

So we made her marry a man she never met in order to secure a French alliance.

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I am so high and I made up a joke and I want to tell it and make someone laugh but no one is home so: Whats an epileptics favorite food?

SEIZURE SALAD.

I peed

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I made this joke up when I was eight. I'm very proud of it.

What's in the wardrobe?

Narnia business.

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What kind of doctor is always on call?

An oncologist!


...


I made this one up last night but I'm sure someone has thought of it before.

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A mortician was working late one night...

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Sam, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Sam had the longest private part he had ever seen!

I'm sorry Mr. Sam, said the mortician, but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity.

And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's distinguishing member. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.

I have something to show you that you won't believe, he said, and opened his briefcase.

Oh, my God! she screamed, Sam is dead!

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Where do naughty rays of light go?

Prism

(Note: I made this joke up. Sorry if this little note refracts from the humour.)

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The art of joke writing

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, 'Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.'

I had no Monet

To buy Degas

To make the Van Gogh.

I had De Gaulle to post this because I figured I had nothing Toulouse .

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I'll have you know that my penis was once in the guinness book of world records...

But then the librarian yelled at me and made me leave the library.

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All the single ladles

Joe invited his mother over for dinner one night. During the course of said dinner his mother couldn't help but notice the staggering beauty of Joe's roommate. She had been long suspicious of a relationship between them, and her beauty combined with the banter she had seen them share only made her all the more curious.

Joe noticed his mother's suspicion. "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you that Julie and I are just roommates."

A week later, Julie came to Joe and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I can't seem to find the gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it on accident, do you?"

Joe agreed that it was a reasonable possibility, and wrote a letter to his mother inquiring about the ladle. It read, "I'm not saying you 'did' take the ladle, nor am I saying you 'did not' take the ladle,' but the fact is it's been missing since you came to dinner last week."

Several weeks later, a reply came.

"I'm not saying you 'do' sleep with Julie, nor am I saying you 'do not' sleep with Julie. The fact is if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the ladle by now."

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There's a band called 1023MB.

You haven't heard of them because they haven't made it to a gig yet.

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This Mother's Day, my dad got a new car for my mom.

He said it was the best trade he's ever made

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I had a racing snail, I thought it would be faster if I removed it's shell...

It only made it more sluggish.

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An old man walks into a confessional...

An old man walks into a confessional and says, " I'm 82 years old, have a wonderful wife of 60 years, many children, grandchildren, and even great-grandchildren. Yesterday I picked up 2 teenage girls hitchhiking, took them to a hotel, and made love to each of them 3 times.

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Then why are you telling me this?"

Man: "I'm telling everybody!"

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So there's a fly...

and a gnat lands on its back.

The fly says, "is there a gnat on my back?"

The gnat says, "gnat at all."

The fly says, "that's the worst pun I've ever heard."

The gnat goes, "what do you expect, I just made it up on the fly!"

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Freudian Slip...

A guy sits in his seat on an airplane, red-faced, and turns to the guy next to him. "Oh man. I just made the worst Freudian slip. The ticket agent was really well-endowed and instead of asking her for a ticket to Pittsburg, I asked her for a picket to tittsburg. So embarrassing!"

The guy he's sitting next to says, "Hey buddy. I'm right there with you. This morning I'm sitting at breakfast with my wife, and instead of saying, 'Honey, could you please pass the cream', I say, 'You fucking bitch, you ruined my life.'"

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Joke my kid made up when he was like 4.... What do you call an angry shopper using bad words?

A cussomer.

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Why is leather armor best for sneaking?

It's literally made of hide.

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This piece of tarmac is arguing with a stone in a bar...

"I'm the hardest!." says the tarmac, "All the roads in the country are made from me bitch!." "I'm the hardest" says the stone, "Every mountain in the world is made from me!"
2 minutes later, a piece of a bicycle lane strolls in, orders a whiskey and silently sits down in the corner.
A hush falls over the bar.
Sensing some hostility, the barman tries to keep the peace.
"Hey guys, whose the hardest?"
"We're hard, but that guy's a cycle path."

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A die-hard fan was very surprised to see an empty seat at the Superbowl...

He noticed a woman sitting next to the empty seat and made a remark about it to her. "Well, it was my husband's", she said. "But he died." "Oh my gosh!" He said. "I'm sorry for your loss, but I'm surprised that another friend or family member didn't jump at the chance to take the ticket." "Beats me", she said. "They all insisted on going to the funeral."

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Three blondes

Three blonde women are sitting on the side of a river. The first one says "dear God, make me twice as smart as I am so that I can cross the river". So God turns her into a brunette and she swims across. The second blonde says "dear God please make me twice as smart as you made the last girls so I can cross the river". So God turns her into a Red Head and she builds a boat and sails across. The third blonde says "dear God, make me twice as smart as you made the last girl so I can cross the river". So God turns her into a man and she walks across the bridge.




*edit* People, it's just a joke! So much hate, I've told other jokes as well. Here's an anti-man joke? Why are women bad with judging distance? Because they've been lied to about what 8 inches is their entire lives.

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The last joke my brother made up, before he passed away this week.

Him: "If my name was Ella, and I married Darth Vader. My name would be Elevator". Stupid and corny, but it's exactly the kind of lame jokes he would make.

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A joke my brother made up when he was 13...

Two men were marooned on an island with no food.

After a week, they are both starving. To solve the issue of hunger, one of the men suggests that they cut off each other's legs and eat them to survive.
The other man agrees.

The first man, after a bloody and gruesome struggle, saws off the second man's legs. The second man, pale and weak, says to the first man. "Alright, now let's get your legs off"

The first man runs away and yells "you have to catch me first!"

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What kind of fish is made of only two sodium atoms?

2Na

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3 Guys go on a camping trip...

3 guys go on a camping trip. They get to the campground, decide to do some fishing and go back to their campsite just before dark to set up their tent. The guy who brought the tent made a mistake and had gotten a tent that was quite small, so they ended up having to sleep side by side.

The next morning, the guy on the left says "Man, I had an awesome dream, I dreamt I got a handjob by this hot ass chick" the guy on the right goes "Wow really? Me too!"

The guy in the middle says, "That's funny, I dreamt I was skiing."

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In 1940 Goebbels made a speech...

Proclaiming that the Swastika was an example of the Golden Ratio.

Turns out it was a fibbin' Nazi...

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The strong young man at the construction site was bragging...

...that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

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Trump's parents are in trouble

They made a racist joke.

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What shape is your hair in the morning?

A wrecktangle. (Made up by my 10 year old daughter :)

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Are you a VIRGIN?

Joe had a blind date with Maria for the prom and, as the evening progressed, he found himself more and more attracted to her.

After some really passionate embracing, he said: "Tell me, do you object to making love?"

"That is something I have never done before," Maria replied.

"Never made love? You mean you are a virgin?" Joe was amazed!

"No, silly," she giggled, "I've never objected!"

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I got fired from my job at the cemetery yesterday...

I made a grave mistake.

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this prostitute gives the best handjobs in town... (NSFW)

and this guy hears about her and goes to her asking "so you really give the best hanjobs in town?" the girl goes "see that mcdonalds? i've used the money i got from giving handjobs to buy that mcdonalds" so the guy is convinced and asks for a handjob, gives her 50 bucks, and it's the best handjob he's ever gotten.

he goes "wow that was amazing! do you give awesome blowjobs too?" she says "see that gas station? with the money I've made from giving blowjobs i bought that gas station". the guy is convinced again, gives her 100 bucks, and it's the best blowjob he's ever gotten.

"wow, that was even more amazing! how good is your pussy?" the girl goes "see that casino? i'd buy that casino if i had a pussy"

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What did 50 Cent say to his grandmother when she made him a pair of socks?

Gee, you knit?

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CONCLUSION

You've read some of the best made jokes of all time. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise kids not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty made gags to your kids. These jokes are updated with new ones in December 2019.

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laughs? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter. Some of these made jokes are funny and some are hilarious.

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