Made Jokes

Hilarious puns and funny pick up lines

A joke my 8-year old made up: What do you call a chicken that's afraid of the dark?

A chicken.

I'm assuming that none of the Jenners ask Kylie to make breakfast.

Since she can't even beat an egg

Where do little jokes come from?

Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke and then they knock knock.

(I made this up myself, I'm really proud of it)

I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday

Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

I lent my umbrella to a hot girl yesterday.


That takes the number of girls i've made wet this year to -1

Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it

Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans...

I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"

My girlfriend kept telling me to treat her like a princess.

So I made her marry an old guy she's never met to secure an alliance with the French.

In Pokemon, I never understood why bug types were supereffective against dark types.

But then I thought about malaria in Africa and it all made sense.

My best friend got mad at me because he caught me sniffing his sister's panties

It didn't help that she was still wearing them.

Or that his whole family was there.

That made the rest of his sister's funeral kind of awkward.

And who thought you could make the funeral for such a small child more awkward than it already was..

I bought a dog from a blacksmith this morning...

...within 10 minutes of getting him home he made a bolt for the door.

I know global warming is bad

but wouldn't it be kinda funny if dinosaurs made humans go extinct?

I saw a sign that made me shit myself

It said "Bathroom closed"

I'll like to brag that after 12 Years of marriage, I still have sex with my wife almost every day!

Almost on Monday

Almost on Tuesday

Almost on Wednesday

Almost on Thursday

Almost on Friday

Almost on Saturday

Almost on Sunday.!

I think it's pretty cool how the Chinese

made a language entirely out of tattoos.

Joke I made up: Caveman and a bear walk into a bar. Bartender says "what's your story?" Caveman says...

Bear with me...

Why did God make man before He made woman?

Because he didn't want any advice on how to do it.

A woman asked me what a creampie was

I made sure to fill her in

Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.

Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.

Wife: actually I'm holding my son.

Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?

Wife: oh god.

Kidnapper: what?

Wife. you have my husband.

A woman got breast implants made of wood yesterday.

This joke would be funny if it had a punchline

Wooden tit

A doctor hands a man his newborn baby and says "I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it."

The man hands the baby back and responds, "Well, bring me the one my wife made."

I watched the video of my wedding backwards.

I almost cried when I took the ring back, gave her back to her father, moonwalked out of the church, and went away, free.

Wow: I made it to front page! Thanks guys!

A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."...

...The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."

The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."

The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President.

Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"

My dad always told me he never made the same mistake twice

Must be why I'm an only child

Why does the blonde have smudges on the inside of her windshield?

She needs to drag her finger across the words as she's reading street signs.

Note: I just made this up. However, please tell me if someone else has a similar one.

What makes Hitler better than Jesus?

Jesus could only feed 5000 people with 5 loaves and 2 fish. Hitler made 6,000,000 Jews toast.

The madam tell her girls ' Just give those guys blow-up dolls.'

'They're so wasted they'll never know the difference'

After when they're walking home the first guy says 'I think mine was dead; She never moved or made a sound the whole time'

The second says 'I think Mine was a witch'

First: 'really whys that?'

Second: ''cause when i bit her ass she farted in my face and then flew out the window'

Don't you hate it when you can't sleep because you are reminded of a mistake you made 2 years ago?

I hate it when my kid cries in the middle of the night

Brett Kavanaugh has stated that he will not be pressured into withdrawing his Supreme Court bid by the allegations made against him.

He sounds like the kind of guy who just won't take 'no' for an answer.

This past week I made a couple bucks selling fake eclipse glasses

I'm not to worried though, those suckers will never see me again.

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner.

They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.

Bought a dog from a blacksmith today...

Within 10 minutes of getting home, he made a bolt for the door.

Made love to my wife for an hour and four minutes tonight

Thanks, Daylight Savings Time!

What do you call a tire made out of 365 recycled condoms?

A Goodyear

Anniversary idea

For my wife and I's first wedding anniversary, we made a bet that the first one to wake up would have to surprise the other one with oral sex. Well, when the day came I was the first to wake up, so I rolled over, pulled the bed covers back, and slooooowwwwllllyyyyy shoved my dick in her mouth.

A friend got mad at me for smelling his sister's underwear.

I don't know if it was because she was still wearing them or because the rest of the family was there. Either way it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.

I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West...

...could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone...

My 7-year-old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans....

I pulled out my cellphone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"

I give to you a joke I made up when I was seven: Why did the computer crash?

Because it had a bad driver!

*drops mic*

My teacher told me I'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.

But so far I've made three jugs and a vase and they're lovely.

When I noticed "HI" in the alphabet I thought I had made a new friend

But then I saw the next two letters.

My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping...

...with a really angry bear somewhere close by...

"Did...did you draw on my face while I was passed out?"

Friend: "Yes, yes I did."

"Why did you draw a dick?"

Friend: "Made me laugh."

"Ha. Well, at least you did an amazing job."

Friend: "Well, I traced it."

Leather armor is the best for sneaking because it's literally made of hide.

I give to you a joke I made up when I was seven: Why did the computer crash?

It had a bad driver!

**bows **

I'll show myself out.

I told my sister to come work for me at my porn company and that last year I made $1 million. She said that's gross.

I said no, that's net.

My wife is so fat that when she booked a flight they made her have 2 seats.

She was pissed off until I mentioned that she would get 2 meals

85% of all Fords made are still on the road today...

The other 15% made it home.

My little sister made a face at my mom and said "Guess who I am?"

My mom answered "Who?"

"Your daughter"

courtesy of my 4 year old sister about 20 minutes ago

Imagine if your roommate made you watch a movie and left 10 mins into it. Dick move, right?

My point is old people shouldn't get to vote

My friend wanted to feel like a princess on her wedding day

So we made her marry a man she never met in order to secure a French alliance.

I am so high and I made up a joke and I want to tell it and make someone laugh but no one is home so: Whats an epileptics favorite food?

SEIZURE SALAD.

I peed

My kids were hungry so I made them burgers from scratch.

They got really upset and started to cry.

Scratch is a stupid name for a cat anyway..

Jesus Christ fed 2,000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish

But Hitler made 6,000,000 jews toast

I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided completely

if architects in those days had just made their towns big enough for everyone.

I made this joke up when I was eight. I'm very proud of it.

What's in the wardrobe?

Narnia business.

2 drunk men walk into a whorehouse [NFSW]

The madam tell her girls ' Just give those guys blow-up dolls. they're so wasted they'll never know the difference'

After when they're walking home the first man says 'I think mine was dead; She never moved or made a sound the whole time'

The second says 'I think Mine was a witch'

First: 'really whys that?'

Second: ''cause when i bit her ass she farted in my face and then flew out the window'

I've just made up a word...

Plagiarism.

I bought a dog from a blacksmith

as soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door.

Make sure your viagra says "Made in the USA"...

We don't want Russia meddling in our erections.

Where is happiness made?

At the satisfactory.

I just made this one up and it's really stupid. What do you call a resistor that can't afford rent?

Ohm-less

My dad's favorite. (Get the groan ready)

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and...with his odd diet...he suffered from bad breath.
This made him...
...a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

What kind of doctor is always on call?

An oncologist!


...


I made this one up last night but I'm sure someone has thought of it before.

One good thing about premature ejaculation is that porn lasts you a very long time. I bought a video back in 1992 and I still haven't made it past the FBI warning thing.

Did you guys know that the Soviet Union made the best bread in history?

People would wait days in line for a single piece

Made love to my girlfriend for an hour and 15 seconds last night

Thanks, Daylight Savings Time. I couldn't have done it without you.

What are the funniest made jokes of all time?

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