The Best 75 Made Jokes

What do you call a chicken that's afraid of the dark?

A chicken.

I'm assuming that none of the Jenners ask Kylie to make breakfast.

Since she can't even beat an egg

Where do little jokes come from?

Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke and then they knock knock.

I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday

Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

I lent my umbrella to a hot girl yesterday.

That takes the number of girls i've made wet this year to -1

Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it

Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans...

I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"

My girlfriend kept telling me to treat her like a princess.

So I made her marry an old guy she's never met to secure an alliance with the French.

In Pokemon, I never understood why bug types were supereffective against dark types.

But then I thought about malaria in Africa and it all made sense.

My best friend got mad at me because he caught me sniffing his sister's panties

It didn't help that she was still wearing them.

Or that his whole family was there.

That made the rest of his sister's funeral kind of awkward.

And who thought you could make the funeral for such a small child more awkward than it already was..

I bought a dog from a blacksmith this morning...

...within 10 minutes of getting him home he made a bolt for the door.

I know global warming is bad

but wouldn't it be kinda funny if dinosaurs made humans go extinct?

I give to you a joke I made up when I was seven: Why did the computer crash?

It had a bad driver!

**bows **

I'll show myself out.

I give to you a joke I made up when I was seven: Why did the computer crash?

Because it had a bad driver!

*drops mic*

Leather armor is the best for sneaking because it's literally made of hide.

I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West...

...could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone...

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner.

They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.

My dad always told me he never made the same mistake twice

Must be why I'm an only child

When I noticed "HI" in the alphabet I thought I had made a new friend

But then I saw the next two letters.

What makes Hitler better than Jesus?

Jesus could only feed 5000 people with 5 loaves and 2 fish. Hitler made 6,000,000 Jews toast.

A friend got mad at me for smelling his sister's underwear.

I don't know if it was because she was still wearing them or because the rest of the family was there. Either way it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.

This past week I made a couple bucks selling fake eclipse glasses

I'm not to worried though, those suckers will never see me again.

Joke I made up: Caveman and a bear walk into a bar. Bartender says "what's your story?" Caveman says...

Bear with me...

A doctor hands a man his newborn baby and says "I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it."

The man hands the baby back and responds, "Well, bring me the one my wife made."

I watched the video of my wedding backwards.

I almost cried when I took the ring back, gave her back to her father, moonwalked out of the church, and went away, free.

Wow: I made it to front page! Thanks guys!

I think it's pretty cool how the Chinese

made a language entirely out of tattoos.

Made love to my wife for an hour and four minutes tonight

Thanks, Daylight Savings Time!

What do you call a tire made out of 365 recycled condoms?

A Goodyear

Why does the blonde have smudges on the inside of her windshield?

She needs to drag her finger across the words as she's reading street signs.

Note: I just made this up. However, please tell me if someone else has a similar one.

My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping...

...with a really angry bear somewhere close by...

Don't you hate it when you can't sleep because you are reminded of a mistake you made 2 years ago?

I hate it when my kid cries in the middle of the night

A woman asked me what a creampie was

I made sure to fill her in

Why did God make man before He made woman?

Because he didn't want any advice on how to do it.

Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers?

I heard he made a mint.

Brett Kavanaugh has stated that he will not be pressured into withdrawing his Supreme Court bid by the allegations made against him.

He sounds like the kind of guy who just won't take 'no' for an answer.

A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."...

...The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."

The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."

The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President.

Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"

My teacher told me I'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.

But so far I've made three jugs and a vase and they're lovely.

Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump...

But that's comparing apples to oranges.

I made a virtual bubble wrap to keep you all busy during quarantine. There might be some irregular bubbles, but that is normal.

>!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !< >!Giv!< >!ve !< >!You!< >!Up,!< >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !< >!Let!< >!You!< >!Dow,!< >!n !< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!<

I made a website for orphans.

Unfortunately it doesn't have a home page.

Why do Chinese people love IPhones and Apple products?

Because the greatest gifts are the ones your children made.

(inspired by u/lorenzomofo 's comment on a
r/nextfuckinglevel post)

I'm pleased to announce Reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world!

The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content

They said i couldn't be good at poetry because i'm dyslexic.

But so far I've made 3 jugs and a vase and they are lovely.

Does anyone remember the joke I made about the Chiropractor?

It was about a weak back.

I haven't had sex since 1956

A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman. The general replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour. Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the general and said "Well, you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956..." The general looked at her, confused, and replied "I sure hope not, it's only 2130 now."

Fun fact: You can't breathe correctly while smiling

Just kidding, I made you smile :)

6 yr old son made this up. What do exploding pandas eat?

BAMBOOM!

For my cake day, a joke I made up as a kid: Why is Aquaman such a dedicated super hero?

Because he was born with a sense of porpoise.

What do you call a Christmas wreath made out of $100 bills?

Aretha Franklins

My 7 yr old just made this one up: What do you say when a dinosaur farts?

That was a blast from the past!

The nurse hands a man his newborn and says "I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it."

He responds "well give me the one my wife made."

Some Yank had the audacity to say us Texans were dumb for not having Snow Tires. Bless their heart.

We may not have as much experience as y'all Yanks when it comes to snow, but after tinkering with it a couple minutes I think all of us Texans can agree to try and make a tire out of snow is a pretty dumb idea.


We'll keep our tires made of rubber, thanks.

Congratulations to me! I just made my last mortgage payment!

I still owe like $262,000, but I'm just not going pay them any more.

My wife is an economist and I am an engineer.

I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, Hey sweetheart, why don't you utilize the load maximization principle and carry all the items you need in one trip, thereby minimizing total distance travelled?

Well don't you know, she loved my suggestion!

It used to take her 11 minutes to make her breakfast… now I do it in 5.

A joke my 8-year old made up: What do you call a chicken that's afraid of the dark?

A chicken

A woman sues a man for defamation of character, charging that he called her a pig.

The man is found guilty and made to pay damages. After the trial, he asks the judge, Does this mean that I can no longer call Ms. Harding a pig?

The judge says, That is correct.

And does it mean that I can't call a pig Ms. Harding?

No, says the judge, you are free to call a pig Ms. Harding. There is no crime in that.

The man looks Ms. Harding in the eye and says, Good afternoon, Ms. Harding.

My 10 year old son made this one up. Why doesn't a snowman wear snow pants?

Because his snow balls are too big.

We thought it was our ability to love that made us human,

but it turns out it was actually our ability to SELECT EACH IMAGE CONTAINING A TRUCK.

I was told I'll never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.

But so far I've made 3 jugs and a vase and they are lovely.

A plane carrying Donald Trump made an emergency landing in New Orleans after alleged engine failure over the Gulf of Mexico.

Turns out there was just a loud whine coming from the right wing.

My 7 year old organically made this up!

Super Bowl halftime show, watching with my wife and boys, wife says The halftime show is a bunch of rappers from the 80's and 90's, including Eminem, I really like him.

7 year old: Mn'Ms are good, but I like Skittles better

Wife: Not the candies silly, the rapper!

7 year old: Why would you just eat the wrappers!?

Made up by my elementary-aged kid: How do old people line up?

In an elderly fashion. (So proud)

I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.

Turns out I was on the mothership.

China has now banned any military personnel to use apple watches due to security reasons.

One soldier says with tears in his eyes but but my daughter made it for me .

Too soon for COVID jokes?

COVID is like fashion…

We started hearing about it in Italy…

Became popular in LA and NYC…

Florida ignored it…

And it was all made in China in the end.

Tea is an evil substance. It is much more dangerous than beer.

I discovered this last night. I drank 15 beers up until 3 am in the pub while my wife was just at home drinking tea.

You should have seen how mad and violent she was when I got home. She threw the chair at me and kept screaming at the top of her lungs. On the other hand, I was quiet and peaceful and silently made my way to bed. But she kept cursing and shouting through the night and well into the next morning.

Please friends, if you can't handle your tea, you should not be drinking it. Please avoid drinking tea.

A retired police officer passed away. The chief of police...

made a speech at the funeral and said may he arrest in peace

Blonde, Nun, Russian and Pole in Train

Suddenly they enter the tunnel. It is getting dark. A loud sound is heard in the darkness. At the exit, a Russian man can be seen holding his cheek. The nun thinks - the pervert touched the blonde and got slapped. The blonde thinks - the pervert was supposed to touch me, but he made a mistake, touched the nun and got slapped. The Russian thinks - probably a Pole touched one, she mistook him for me and hit me. Pole thinks - in the next tunnel I will hit him again.

a joke I made.. How do pilots like their food

They like it plane

New Doggy

I've just gone and bought a dog off a Blacksmith!!!

As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door!

Not to brag, but made six figures this year

They named me the worst employee at the toy factory

Lil Nas X, Lil Baby, and Lil Pump made a new rap group

It's called Shrink Rap

Three drunks enter a taxi

the driver immediately notices that they were drunk, and decided to make a quick buck out of them.

When they entered the car, he drove 100 meters, made a turn and told them that they arrived at their destination.
The first one thanks the driver and leaves. The second thanks him, give him money and then leaves. The third realizes that something was wrong and slaps the driver as hard as he could.
The driver looks at him and asks: "the hell is wrong with you?!", to which the drunk guy replies: "don't you ever drive that fast again!"

A Rabbi and his friend, a Catholic priest, were having a discussion

when the rabbi asked "Could you ever be promoted withing your church?"

The priest responded, "Well, one day, I hope to become a bishop."

The rabbi asked, "And then?"

The priest though for a second and responded, "Well, then I might become a cardinal."

The rabbi again asked, "And then?"

The priest again pondered the question before responding "Then I would become Pope!"

The rabbi, still unsatisfied, asked "And then?"

The priest, exasperated, cried "What else could I become? God Himself!?"

The rabbi quietly responded "One of our boys made it"