A chicken.
Since she can't even beat an egg
Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke and then they knock knock.
(I made this up myself, I'm really proud of it)
Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.
That takes the number of girls i've made wet this year to -1
Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made
I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"
So I made her marry an old guy she's never met to secure an alliance with the French.
But then I thought about malaria in Africa and it all made sense.
It didn't help that she was still wearing them.
Or that his whole family was there.
That made the rest of his sister's funeral kind of awkward.
And who thought you could make the funeral for such a small child more awkward than it already was..
...within 10 minutes of getting him home he made a bolt for the door.
but wouldn't it be kinda funny if dinosaurs made humans go extinct?
It said "Bathroom closed"
Almost on Monday
Almost on Tuesday
Almost on Wednesday
Almost on Thursday
Almost on Friday
Almost on Saturday
Almost on Sunday.!
made a language entirely out of tattoos.
Bear with me...
Because he didn't want any advice on how to do it.
I made sure to fill her in
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I'm holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
This joke would be funny if it had a punchline
Wooden tit
The man hands the baby back and responds, "Well, bring me the one my wife made."
I almost cried when I took the ring back, gave her back to her father, moonwalked out of the church, and went away, free.
Wow: I made it to front page! Thanks guys!
...The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."
The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President.
Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"
Must be why I'm an only child
She needs to drag her finger across the words as she's reading street signs.
Note: I just made this up. However, please tell me if someone else has a similar one.
Jesus could only feed 5000 people with 5 loaves and 2 fish. Hitler made 6,000,000 Jews toast.
'They're so wasted they'll never know the difference'
After when they're walking home the first guy says 'I think mine was dead; She never moved or made a sound the whole time'
The second says 'I think Mine was a witch'
First: 'really whys that?'
Second: ''cause when i bit her ass she farted in my face and then flew out the window'
I hate it when my kid cries in the middle of the night
He sounds like the kind of guy who just won't take 'no' for an answer.
I'm not to worried though, those suckers will never see me again.
They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.
Within 10 minutes of getting home, he made a bolt for the door.
Thanks, Daylight Savings Time!
A Goodyear
For my wife and I's first wedding anniversary, we made a bet that the first one to wake up would have to surprise the other one with oral sex. Well, when the day came I was the first to wake up, so I rolled over, pulled the bed covers back, and slooooowwwwllllyyyyy shoved my dick in her mouth.
I don't know if it was because she was still wearing them or because the rest of the family was there. Either way it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.
...could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone...
I pulled out my cellphone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"
Because it had a bad driver!
*drops mic*
But so far I've made three jugs and a vase and they're lovely.
But then I saw the next two letters.
...with a really angry bear somewhere close by...
Friend: "Yes, yes I did."
"Why did you draw a dick?"
Friend: "Made me laugh."
"Ha. Well, at least you did an amazing job."
Friend: "Well, I traced it."
It had a bad driver!
**bows **
I'll show myself out.
I said no, that's net.
She was pissed off until I mentioned that she would get 2 meals
The other 15% made it home.
My mom answered "Who?"
"Your daughter"
courtesy of my 4 year old sister about 20 minutes ago
My point is old people shouldn't get to vote
So we made her marry a man she never met in order to secure a French alliance.
SEIZURE SALAD.
I peed
They got really upset and started to cry.
Scratch is a stupid name for a cat anyway..
But Hitler made 6,000,000 jews toast
if architects in those days had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
What's in the wardrobe?
Narnia business.
The madam tell her girls ' Just give those guys blow-up dolls. they're so wasted they'll never know the difference'
After when they're walking home the first man says 'I think mine was dead; She never moved or made a sound the whole time'
The second says 'I think Mine was a witch'
First: 'really whys that?'
Second: ''cause when i bit her ass she farted in my face and then flew out the window'
Plagiarism.
as soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door.
We don't want Russia meddling in our erections.
At the satisfactory.
Ohm-less
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and...with his odd diet...he suffered from bad breath.
This made him...
...a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
An oncologist!
...
I made this one up last night but I'm sure someone has thought of it before.
People would wait days in line for a single piece
Thanks, Daylight Savings Time. I couldn't have done it without you.
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