madame Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious madame puns

A trucker walks into a whorehouse..

The Madam walks up to the trucker and says "How can I help you?" to which the trucker replies " I have $1000, I want the ugliest, meanest, foul mouthed women you have." The Madame says "for $1000 you have can the sexiest, smoothest, most beautiful lady we have." the Trucker replies" ma'am I mean no disrespect, but I'm not horny, I'm homesick"

Courtesy of my late grandfather.


Doctor: it looks like you are pregnant madame.

Lady: Wow, I'm pregnant?
Doctor: No, but you look like it.


Two drunk men visit a brothel

The madame takes a look at them and tells her manager: Go and put inflatable dolls in their bedrooms.These guys are too drunk to notice.

After finishing their act ,on their way back ...

1st drunk: I think my girl was dead as she never made a noise or made a move. Upon this the 2nd drunk says: Mine was worse....... I think she was a witch!!!

1st drunk: Why would u say that???

2nd drunk: Well i gave a little love bite on her bum.....She farted in my face and flew out of the window.


A little boy walks into a "house of I'll repute" with a bag full of coins, dragging a dead frog on a leash behind him...

He approaches the madame, and explains that he has $300 and would like to be with a woman. The madame figures, "why not?" and shows the boy into the room where the women of the night are waiting.
The little boy asks the Madame, "Which one is Amber? I heard some of the men saying they needed to get a special shot for an STD after they were with Amber."
The madame points out Amber, the boy hands the Madame the $300, takes Amber's hand, and heads off for an hour of bliss, pulling along the dead frog behind him.
As the boy is leaving, the Madame's curiosity gets the better of her, and she stops the boy before he gets to the door. "I just have to know, why did you ask specifically for the only girl in the house who has an STD?"

The boy says, "When I get home today, mommy and daddy are going out for their anniversary. The babysitter they hired will molest me and then she'll get the disease. Later on, when daddy drives her home, he'll sleep with her and then he'll get the disease. Than when he gets back, he and mommy will sleep together since its their anniversary, and mommy will get the disease. Then tomorrow when daddy goes to work, the mailman will come over and have sex with mommy, and then he'll get the disease. And that's the motherfucker who ran over my frog."


A guy walks into a brothel...

tells the Madame I only have $20 what the best I can get? Madame says go to room 7. Guy goes to room - opens door and sees a chicken - figures ok, whatever, I'll fuck the chicken. Afterwards he thinks to himself - not bad actually. Shows back up 2 weeks later - tells Madame I've only got $10 - what's the best I can get? she sends him to room 8. He Walks in and sees a bunch of men watching a couple having sex on floor - he turns to the guy beside him and says "not bad for 10 bucks eh?" the guy turns to him and says you think this is good you should've been here two weeks ago they had some idiot in there fucking a chicken.


Blonde childbirth

It's a blonde who gave birth to two beautiful babies, twins, however, she cries endlessly!
The nurse then tells him:
"But see madame! Why are you crying ? You are now mother of 2 beautiful babies, in good health!
- I know, says the blonde, but I do not know who is the father of the second!


A truck driver stops at a brothel...

He walks up to the Madame, hands her $1000 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a dry turkey sandwich!"

The Madame responds, "Well my dear, for that amount of money you can have two of my best girls and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies, "Listen woman, I ain't horny. I'm homesick."


Carpenter and the Madame.

Madame calls the local carpenter out to the old whore house for work.

She has him install a partition wall in one of the larger rooms upstairs. After the works done he goes to the madame to collec his pay.

"That'll be 500 bucks mam." Says the carpenter.

The madame offers a trade he may take his pay in trade with any of the whores in the house and she rings a bell. Soon the room is filled with the most beautiful and stunnin whores the man has ever seen. In awe he walks the room several times. Eventually hr stops in front of the old Madame. Eyes her up and down wrinkles, gray hair, dentures and all.

"Mind if I take my payment out with you ma'lady?"

Slightly take back by this the Madame dismisses the girls and agrees to the carpenters request. He asks her to strip naked and lie down. She complies. He lowers himself down between her legs and slides his index finger into her pussy and his thumb into her asshole and squeezes them together and says

"Give me my 500 bucks or I rip out the partition!"


Tyrion walks into a brothel with a honeycomb and a jackass...

Madame: What can we do for you?

Tyrion: I need a woman to lay with, for mine has left me.

Madame: Whatever for? And what's with the honeycomb and the mule?

Tyrion: My woman found a genie in a bottle, and he granted her three wishes. The first was for a house fit for a queen, so he gave her this damn honeycomb. The second wish was that she have the nicest ass in all the land, so he gave her this damn donkey...

Madame: And what about the third wish?

Tyrion: Well... she asked the genie to make my cock hang down past my knee.

Madame: Well that one's not so bad eh?

Tyrion: Not so bad!? I used to be six foot three!


A man walks into a brothel

And asks for the madame.

The host says to him "Are you sure? She is our most expensive"

He replies "Yes, I have $1000 ready!"

Shocked at the amount, the host quickly runs up the stairs and grabs the madame and prepares a room for them.

The man walks into the room with the madame and 30 minutes later walks out with a smile on his face and leaves.

The next day, at the exact same time the man returns again with $1000 and only asks for the madame.

Again, the next day the man walks in and asks for her. This time, the madame asks the man "you've been in here 3 times now and have spent a lot of money. Where are you from?"

The man replies "I'm from Berlin. Here for a vacation"

The madame, excited says "My sister is from Berlin!"

To which the man says "I know! I work with her! I told her I was coming here and she wanted to give you $3000!"


An 80 year old man visits a brothel looking for a "date"...

but all of the girls are busy, so the madame takes him to her room. Eventually, after the lights go out, the unmistakable sounds of a great and furious copulation are heard. He was huffing and puffing, she was screaming and pleading, the floor was creaking ,and the bed was squeaking, until at last, the act was complete.
After a few minutes the old man caught his breath and said "my God, had I known your pussy was so dry and tight I would have brought some lubrication or something" She starts to pick at her crotch and says "If I had known you could actually get it up I would have taken off my panties!"


A madame is managing a whorehouse . . .

. . . when she sees a new john come in. She sends over her newest girl. The madame sees her sit on his lap and flirt a bit. Then he wispers something in her ear. She looks horrified and yells, "Oh God no!" and runs away.

The madame thinks, O.K., this guy is a little kinky. So she sends over one of her more experienced gals. She sits on his lap, he whispers in her ear, and she shouts "Are you kidding me!" and storms off.

At this point, the madame thinks alright, this guy is a freak. She sends in her skankiest gal who has seen and done every sex act known to man. She sits on his lap, he whispers in his ear, and she stands up and slaps him in the face and hurries away.

The madame can't stand it anymore. She goes up to the john and demands, "What have you been whispering in my girls' ears?!"

He replies sheepishly, "Sorry, eh? I just wanted to know if I could pay in Canadian dollars."


Two drunks visit a whorehouse

So these two drunks were walking down the street one day and one looks at the other and says
>Hey man, when is the last time you had any pussy?

The other drunk says
>Hell its been a long time. Let's go to the whorehouse and get some.

As they walk into the front door the madame decides she isn't going to waste any of her girls on these drunks. She tells one of the girls to fix up some blow up dolls in some vacant rooms. Since they are drunk they will never know the difference.

One of the drunks says to the madame
>Hey! We want some of that grade A pussy!

She says
>Well boys we have two girls waiting on you upstairs already.

So the two go upstairs, do their business, and start walking home.

On the way home they are both silent for quite a while when one of them finally decides to speak.
>Man, that girl I had, I think she was dead! I put every move I had on her and she didn't move a bit!

The other drunk said
>That ain't nothing, the girl I had was a witch! I bit her titty and she farted and flew out the window!


Three Swedish men visited Copenhagen and decided to go to a Saloon...

They knocked on the door and the Madame opened. "What do you want?"
"We want to come in. We are Swedish."
"How much money are you willing to spend here?"
"We have altogether 250 crones."
"250 crones! For that price you can screw each other!"
After saying this the Madame slammed the door shut.
About 15 minutes later, the same three Swedish guys knocked on the door again. "Well, what do you want now?"
They Said "Where do we pay?"

[ps: got this joke by email. not sure why swedish. plz don't get offended].


A kinky guy goes into a brothel...

Walks up to the front desk and explains that he's got particular tastes, but he's prepared to pay extra.

The madame reassures him that all their girls are very well trained, and directs him to a room where she promises he will find everything he needs. If not, let the girl know and she can send down for more equipment.

Entering the room, there is a large rack of gear on one wall and a sumptuous bed upon which lounged a voluptuous young woman - he directed her first to don a full body rubber suit. He then selected a medium length whip from the rack, and told the girl to lie down.

Moving back to the door, he flicked the light on and off, intoning in a deep voice, "Lightning!"

He then cracked the whip several times, before chanting the word "Thunder!" The girl was quite bemused by this, then a little startled when he leapt up onto the bed, unzipped and started urinating all over her...

"Rain!" he droned sonorously, before bouncing back to the light switch, cracking the whip, and repeating his chant...

"Lightning, Thunder, Rain!"

This went on for some time, and eventually the girl got fed up, and asked, "well, are you going to fuck me?"

And he says, "what, in this weather?"


A man bumped into woman.....

A man bumped into woman as he entered a hotel lobby--

to his distress,

as his elbow forcefully pressed

into the woman's breast.

Madame, if your heart is

as tender as your breast is,

you'll forgive me.

Well, sir, she replied,

if your penis is as hard

as your elbow,

you'll follow me to my room.


Old whore house joke

Guy walks into a whorehouse and asks for a girl, the madam says all the girls are busy. He says I know you got one back there, I will take anything you got. The madam says are you sure? The man agrees that he will take anything. The madame then brings him back to old Mabel. The man goes to screw old Mabel and she says I can't screw today, my hips are acting up. The man says ok how about some head? Mable reply's I can't my Jaw is been a clikin'. So the man says what the hell can you do? Mabel says well here try this, she proceeds to pull out her glass eye and says put it in here. The man obliges and puts his pecker in her eye socket and goes to town. When finished he says Goddam damn that's the best thing I ever screwed, I will definitely be back to visit ya. Mabel replies ok great. I'll keep an eye out for ya.


I was going to write something about Madame Tussauds Museum.

But I don't want to wax poetic.


What does a French beaver call her home? (From my 8 year old)



Champagne makes you beautiful

During a high-society reception, a man accosts a not-so-pretty lady and goes: "Madame, please allow me to tell you that Champagne makes you beautiful".

A little surprised and maybe a little flattered too, the woman replies: "I don't know what you mean, this is my first glass of the evening". The man then concludes: "This might be your first glass, but personally, I already had two bottles."

Heard a few minutes ago on a French radio station. Please forgive the clumsy English adaptation.


How would Madame Foster begin the process of putting her Home for Imaginary Friends up for sale?

By contacting a Fake Estate Agent.


What do you call a guy who picks up prostitutes from Madame Tussauds Wax Museum?

John Wick


What did Einstein say to Ghandi about Madame Curie?

Nothing, they're both dead.


What did the German Madame do at the start of Oktoberfest?

Lead her hoes in


The Jewish way

As a Jew I have a soft spot for jokes about my own people, and this is one of my favorites that isn't so well known.

A Jewish man walks into a whorehouse. The madame asks him what he'd like. He asks if any of the women there can have sex "the Jewish way". Puzzled, she goes to each of the unoccupied rooms, and asks the woman inside if she's familiar with having sex the Jewish way. Finally, they get to the last room. Inside is a prostitute who's extremely talented, and is one of the most expensive in the area. She asks, "do you know how to have sex the Jewish way? This man's looking for a woman who does". She responds, "no, I haven't. But to stay at the top of my profession, I'm always looking to improve. If you teach me how to have sex the Jewish way, we'll do that free of charge".

The man accepts the offer, and they have sex. She's surprised to find that it's just regular sex! Afterwards, she asks "What were you talking about, 'the Jewish way'? You just had sex with me, the most expensive hooker in town, for free?!" He smiles and replies, "that's the Jewish way!".


Why did the abused boy not want to visit Madame Tussauds?

Because it was full of whacks.


I saw a pair of men fencing at a wax museum.

Madame Twoswords


What are the most funny Madame jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Madame? Well, here are the best Madame dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Madame pick up lines to share with friends.


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