Madame Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

Doctor: it looks like you are pregnant madame.

Lady: Wow, I'm pregnant?
Doctor: No, but you look like it.

Two drunk men visit a brothel

The madame takes a look at them and tells her manager: Go and put inflatable dolls in their bedrooms.These guys are too drunk to notice.

After finishing their act ,on their way back ...

1st drunk: I think my girl was dead as she never made a noise or made a move. Upon this the 2nd drunk says: Mine was worse....... I think she was a witch!!!

1st drunk: Why would u say that???

2nd drunk: Well i gave a little love bite on her bum.....She farted in my face and flew out of the window.

Blonde childbirth

It's a blonde who gave birth to two beautiful babies, twins, however, she cries endlessly!
The nurse then tells him:
"But see madame! Why are you crying ? You are now mother of 2 beautiful babies, in good health!
- I know, says the blonde, but I do not know who is the father of the second!

A man walks into a brothel

And asks for the madame.

The host says to him "Are you sure? She is our most expensive"

He replies "Yes, I have $1000 ready!"

Shocked at the amount, the host quickly runs up the stairs and grabs the madame and prepares a room for them.

The man walks into the room with the madame and 30 minutes later walks out with a smile on his face and leaves.

The next day, at the exact same time the man returns again with $1000 and only asks for the madame.

Again, the next day the man walks in and asks for her. This time, the madame asks the man "you've been in here 3 times now and have spent a lot of money. Where are you from?"

The man replies "I'm from Berlin. Here for a vacation"

The madame, excited says "My sister is from Berlin!"

To which the man says "I know! I work with her! I told her I was coming here and she wanted to give you $3000!"

A madame is managing a whorehouse . . .

. . . when she sees a new john come in. She sends over her newest girl. The madame sees her sit on his lap and flirt a bit. Then he wispers something in her ear. She looks horrified and yells, "Oh God no!" and runs away.

The madame thinks, O.K., this guy is a little kinky. So she sends over one of her more experienced gals. She sits on his lap, he whispers in her ear, and she shouts "Are you kidding me!" and storms off.

At this point, the madame thinks alright, this guy is a freak. She sends in her skankiest gal who has seen and done every sex act known to man. She sits on his lap, he whispers in his ear, and she stands up and slaps him in the face and hurries away.

The madame can't stand it anymore. She goes up to the john and demands, "What have you been whispering in my girls' ears?!"

He replies sheepishly, "Sorry, eh? I just wanted to know if I could pay in Canadian dollars."

Three Swedish men visited Copenhagen and decided to go to a Saloon...

They knocked on the door and the Madame opened. "What do you want?"
"We want to come in. We are Swedish."
"How much money are you willing to spend here?"
"We have altogether 250 crones."
"250 crones! For that price you can screw each other!"
After saying this the Madame slammed the door shut.
About 15 minutes later, the same three Swedish guys knocked on the door again. "Well, what do you want now?"
They Said "Where do we pay?"




[ps: got this joke by email. not sure why swedish. plz don't get offended].

I was going to write something about Madame Tussauds Museum.

But I don't want to wax poetic.

What does a French beaver call her home? (From my 8 year old)

Madame

Champagne makes you beautiful

During a high-society reception, a man accosts a not-so-pretty lady and goes: "Madame, please allow me to tell you that Champagne makes you beautiful".

A little surprised and maybe a little flattered too, the woman replies: "I don't know what you mean, this is my first glass of the evening". The man then concludes: "This might be your first glass, but personally, I already had two bottles."

Heard a few minutes ago on a French radio station. Please forgive the clumsy English adaptation.

How would Madame Foster begin the process of putting her Home for Imaginary Friends up for sale?

By contacting a Fake Estate Agent.

What do you call a guy who picks up prostitutes from Madame Tussauds Wax Museum?

John Wick

What are the funniest madame jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Madame? Well, here are the best Madame puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Madame pick up lines to share with friends.

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