The Best 54 Madam Jokes
Following is our collection of funniest Madam jokes. There are some madam ladies jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these madam maam puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Funny Madam Jokes and Puns
What is a pirate's LEAST favorite letter?
Dear Sir or Madam,
Your IP address has been flagged for illegally downloading movies. We will have to suspend your account, pending further investigation.
​
Sincerely,
​
The Internet Provider
Little old lady goes to a dentist...
A little old lady goes to the dentist.
She walks in to the dentists office, sits down, drops her panties, and lifts her legs.
Rather flustered the Dentist says, "I'm sorry madam, I'm not a gynaecologist!"
She says, "I know you're not, I just need my husband's teeth back!"
An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old
lady, entered the doctor´s office.
"We have come for an examination," said the young girl.
"Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off."
"No, not me," said the girl. "it´s my old aunt here."
"Very well,"said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue."
Original & Classic Winston Churchill (not my retort)
Lady Astor said to Churchill, "If you were my husband, I'd poison your tea," to which he responded, "Madam, if you were my wife, I'd drink it!"
A couple went out to eat ...
A couple went out to eat at a nice restaurant. The waiter came over to give them the specials of the night, "For our main courses, we have a nice roasted Salmon with a Cranberry-Mustard sauce or a tender Chicken fried steak." The lady replied that she'd have the salmon.
The waiter said, "Very good, madam. What about the vegetable?"
She said, "Oh, I'm sure he'll just order the Chicken Fried Steak."
A Scottish Sargent knocks on a whore-house door.
When the madam answers he says "Excuse me madam. But could you tell me how much you would charge for the pleasure of my company?"
The madam gives her price and they negotiate back and forth until they come to a bargain. Once the reach agreement the Sargent says "That sounds like a fair price."
Then he turns, gestures behind himself and yells "OK lads. We have a deal. Company Ho!"
The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind....
The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?
Yes, I know, said the lady, I need both hands to hold onto this hat. But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed! said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!
Two drunks are looking to get laid
After a hard night drinking so they make their way to a nearby brothel. The madam, noticing the extent of their intoxication, puts them up in two attic rooms with a couple of blow up dolls. When they meet again afterwards, one says to the other " I think my woman was dead beause she just did not move and was stone cold." The other one said " I think mine was a witch... as soon as I bit her nipple, shelets out a big fart and flies out of the window"
The captain and the prostitute
A captain of the army goes to a prostitute and asks her :
"Say, madam, for a hundred dollars, would you accept my company ?"
And the prostitute answers : "Of course, a handsome military like you"
The captains thanks her, turns around and shout :
"Company, FORWARD !"
(I hope the joke translates well)
A guy goes to a brothel with only $2
He goes up to the madam and asks if any prostitutes would be available for $2. She thinks for a minute and says, "There's a dead hooker in the last room on the left. You can have her for an hour for $2."
The man agrees and heads to the room. About an hour goes by and he reemerges. He comes back to the madam to pay and she asks how it was.
"I had a pretty good time," he responded, "but her nose kept running."
Madam: "Oh, she must be full."
After doing 50 years each in the penitentiary, Jim and Joe were finally free.
The first thing they did was head straight to a brothel. The madam noticing that both men were really old and half blind decided she would just pair them each with a blow up doll and hope they wouldn't notice.
After it all went down, the first man tells the other... "I got a bad one Joe, she basically just laid there", to which he replied "better than me, I just poked her and she farted and flew out the window".
You can explore madam missis reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean madam missus dad jokes. There are also madam puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Doing it the Jewish way
A man goes to the door of a cathouse and asks the madam if any of the girls know how to do it the Jewish way. The madam thinks he is joking and slams the door in his face. This happens several times, until finally a girl overhears him, askin the madam, says, "Wait a minute, I've never tried it the Jewish way. I'll do it for nothing." The man says "See, you're catching on already!"
An old Yiddish man goes to the Bunny Ranch.
He says to the madam, "I'm looking for a girl who knows how to do it the Jewish way."
One of girls walks over to him and says, "I'm new here, and I want to learn how to do everything, so if you'll teach me how to do it the Jewish way, I'll give it to you for half price."
The man exclaims, "THAT's the Jewish way!"
A rich woman feigns illness andbleavesba party early
When she gets home, she calls the butler to her bedroom.
"Jeeves? Take off my coat."
"Yes, madam."
"Jeeves, remove my high heels."
"Yes, madam."
"Jeeves, unzip my dress, and remove it...throw it on the floor!
"Yes, madam."
"Jeeves, remove my brassiere and panties."
"Yes, madam."
"Jeeves?"
"Yes, madam?"
"If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired."
"Mildred, are you putting on weight?"
Lady of the House, "Mildred, are you putting on weight?"
Maid, "Well, to tell you the truth Madam, I am pregnant." Lady, "OH DEAR! How ever did you get your self in such condition?"
Maid, "Well Madam it started when I ordered a vibrator through the mail."
Lady, "Goodness! You didn't use that dreadful thing did you?"
Maid, "No Madam, the mail man talked me out of it."
officer answer the lady who came for swimming
Officer: "Madam, swimming is prohibited in this lake."
Lady: "Why didn't you tell me when I was removing my clothes?"
Officer: "Well, that's not prohibited."
Dear Sir / Madam...
Your transgender operation was a partial success.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There's vomit on his sweater already...
Woman: Did you just quote Eminem?
Doctor: Your husband's alcohol poisoning is not a joke, madam!
Officer: madam swimming is prohibited in this lake.
Lady: then why dint you tell me when I was removing my clothes?
Officer: well, that's not prohibited.
A man is sued and goes to court...
A man is sued for calling a lady a cow during a heated exchange at work. The man is asked by the judge to pay a small fine to the madam which he does immediately. Just before leaving the courtroom, the man and the judge have the following conversation:
"Your honor, may I ask you a question?"
"By all means sir"
"If i were to call a cow a madam, would I still have to pay a fine?"
"Of course not, that's crazy"
"Thank you your honor"
The man then turns to the woman and says:
"Have a good day madam"
And proceeds to walk out of tthe courtroom
(My dad just told me this in Serbian and it sounded better but this sort of works. Hope you get some gags!)
A woman was being interviewed during a driving test
Officer: You are driving a car down the road, you see your husband and your brother crossing the road from opposite lanes.
What will you hit first?
Woman: Husband! My husband!
Officer: This is the third time I'm telling you madam, you hit the brakes first!
A woman goes in to a butchers shop
Lady: Is that a pigs head in your window?
Butcher: No madam, it's a mirror.
Madam, your son just called me ugly!
The mother apologizes shamefacedly, "I'm so sorry, I must have told him like a thousand times it is wrong to judge people just from how they look..."
A policeman arrives at the crime scene
"Now, Madam, can you describe the man who stole your handbag?"
"Oh, it all happened so fast! He pushed me over from behind, I didn't see him at all. One thing though; he was a vegan."
"How do you know that?"
"He told me as he was running off."
I'd like to buy a bed, please. Certainly, madam. Spring mattress?
Oh, no! I want to be able to use it all year.
I just skillfully removed a cup of wax from Kim Jong's left ear using a penknife.
Madam Tussaud's have now banned me for life.
A lady calls her butler into her room and says, "Jeeves, take off my dress"
He casually says, "Yes, Madam", and removes the dress. Then she says, "Jeeves, take off my underwear". Again, he says, "Yes, Madam" and removes the undergarment. She then says, "Jeeves, take off my bra". Again, with no hesitation he says, "Yes, Madam" and removes the bra. Then she says, "Now out of my sight! If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"
As i walk in the local shopping mall, a woman comes walking towards me
She asks me: "sir, do you have a moment for animal abuse?" As the good man I am, I say: "of course, madam." So i walked to the nearest dog and kicked it like a football. Apparently that was not what she meant...
Joe and his friends went to the costume party...
Joe and his friends went to the costume party and were really enjoying themselves.
Then a woman came in. She was wearing nothing at all, but was body-painted in white from head to toes.
The guys struggled to guess what that meant but after few drinks Joe gathered courage and went to ask.
"Excuse me, madam, we were wondering what are you dressed up as? Can you please tell us?"
The woman spreads her legs and says:
"Tooth decay, silly!"
A man sees a woman in a bar...
A man sees a woman in a bar and asks, "Ma'am, would you sleep with me for a million dollars?"
The woman is startled at first, but replies, "My goodness! Well, I suppose... we would have to discuss terms, of course..."
The man turns away from her and says, "I've changed my mind. Would you sleep with me for five dollars?"
The woman then says, "Of course not! What kind of woman do you think I am?"
The man says, "Madam, we've already established that. Now we're just negotiating.
A man died in an accident when working at the brewery.
When the police arrived at his home to inform his wife, she asked how it happened. "Well, madam, I'm sorry to say he fell into one of the beer cauldrons and drowned," said the officer. In tears, the wife asked the officer, "Please, at least tell me it was a quick death". "Unfortunately not," the officer explains, "witnesses say he climbed out at least twice to go to the bathroom".
Not my panties
A wife goes on a retreat for work.
When she returns, she finds a pair of panties in her dresser that do not belong to her.
Furious, she questions her husband.
The husband says, "I have no idea where they came from I don't do the laundry!"
So, the wife goes to the maid and questions her.
Indignant, the maid replies, "Madam, how should I know? These panties don't belong to me. I don't even wear panties just ask your husband!"
"Madam, do you want the father to be present during the childbirth?"
"No way! That way, my husband would meet him!"
A blonde girl walks into a library and loudly exclaims, "I'll have a cheeseburger with fries"
The librarian stares at her questioningly and says, "Madam, this is a library."
The blonde turns red with embarrassment and apologizes.
She leans in and whispers, "I'll have a cheeseburger and fries."
"May i try the dress in the shop window?"
"I'm sorry madam but no. We have cabins for that."
When asked for her occupation, A woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher,
The judge rose from the bench. Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court, he smiled with delight. Now sit down at that table and write I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times.
What did the Madam say when the brothel went out of business?
Beat it! We're closed.
"I'm afraid your son might never walk again, madam."
"Oh my God, doctor! Is he paralyzed?"
"No, just really lazy."
An old woman phoned the police and said that her neighbour keeps undressing in his bedroom with curtains open and lights on, so the police go and investigate, they looked out of her window and says but madam you cannot even see his bedroom with that tree in the way she replies.
You can if you stand on the wardrobe.
My wife asked me to buy a king sized pillow at Target.
After a fruitless search, I replied, "As a trans madam once said to a prospective client, 'Sorry, they're all standard queens.'"
(true story, bro)
A woman goes to the grocery store
A woman goes to the grocery store. It's a regular Saturday afternoon. At the end of the shopping she is going to the cashier. She puts following items on the conveyor belt: pepper, cucumber, salami, ham, cheese and Oreos. The cashier does his job and scanns the items and then asks: "madam, are you single?". The woman is confused and asks: "yes, how do you know?". The cashier replies: "because you are ugly af."
How would Madame Foster begin the process of putting her Home for Imaginary Friends up for sale?
By contacting a Fake Estate Agent.
a blonde at a vending machine
A blonde comes to a vending machine, then she inserts a coin inside. She pushes a button and the vending machine releases a drink. The blonde puts the drink at the top of the vending machine, inserts a coin again, presses the button again and places another drink at the top. After this happens several times another person says to the blonde:
"Madam, there are several other people waiting for a drink."
The blonde replies: "Shhh! Can't you see I am WINNING now?"
Working at a brothel
A madam was asked how it is to work at a brothel
It's fine, people come and go
A woman walks into a restaurant...
...and says "Waiter, what is the meal of the day?".
The waiter says "We have the duck today, madam. But the whole thing is very expensive."
The woman says "Fine, just send me the bill".
An elderly gentleman
An elderly gentleman goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a younger
woman for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90 ! ' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
Knock knock
Who's there?
Madam
Madam who?
Madam foot is stuck in the door, can you open it please?!
What was the first thing Adam said to Eve?
The topic for my ninth-grade class was palindromes, words or sentences that are the same read forward and backward. I asked the question, "What was the first thing Adam said to Eve?"
I was expecting the answer "Madam, I'm Adam," but one student had a better reply:
"Wow."
Madam, we brought your husband. He is very drunk,every time we lifted him he fell again.
Wtf, where is his wheelchair?!
A woman runs into the clubhouse on a golf course, breathless.
Help... I've been stung by a bee... she gasps.
Where did this happen? asks the pro drinking at the bar.
Between the first and second holes, she replies.
Clearly madam, your stance is too wide.
Have to charge you 25 dollars
Dentist: I'm sorry, madam, but I'll have to charge you twenty-five dollars for pulling your son's tooth.
Mother: Twenty-five dollars! But I thought you only charged five dollars for an extraction.
Dentist: I usually do. But your son yelled so loud, he scared four other patients out of the office.
"Madam, Please ask your son to stop peeing in the pool!"
"Oh, But everyone pees in the pool! Are you saying you haven't?"
***'Not from the Diving board!!!"***
A man in his 60s hoes to a brothel
... constantly shaking from his Parkinson's.
He tells the madam I want 5 girls.
The madam says are you sure? 5 girls might kill you. But the man is adamant and soon enough he's in a room with 5 girls.
Shaking from every joint as he lays on the bed, he tells 2 girls: you two, hold down my arms.
Then he tells 2 more girls: you two, hold down my legs.
Finally, the last one, you get on top.
Now, you 4, let go!
A man walks up to a woman in a bar and asks: madam, would you sleep with me for 1 million dollars?
WOMAN: yeah, sure.
MAN: How about for 10 dollars?
WOMAN: 10 dollars? What kind of woman do you think I am?!
MAN: We've already established what kind of woman you are, now we're just negotiating the price.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the madam whorehouse jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working madam room piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.