Madam Jokes
87 madam jokes and hilarious madam puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about madam that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This lighthearted article compiles some of the funniest Madam Jokes known to mankind. From jokes about school Madam-Sir interactions, to Madam and student relationships, this article covers it all. Get ready to giggle your way through hilarious one-liners, puns and jokes about the madam and her interactions with the man and missis.
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Funniest Madam Short Jokes
Short madam jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The madam humour may include short missus jokes also.
- Doctor: it looks like you are pregnant madame. Lady: Wow, I'm pregnant?
Doctor: No, but you look like it. - Original & Classic Winston Churchill (not my retort) Lady Astor said to Churchill, "If you were my husband, I'd poison your tea," to which he responded, "Madam, if you were my wife, I'd drink it!"
- "Madam, do you want the father to be present during the childbirth?" "No way! That way, my husband would meet him!"
- I'd like to buy a bed, please. Certainly, madam. Spring mattress? Oh, no! I want to be able to use it all year.
- Wait, what do you mean Madame Curie is dead? Because the last time I saw her, she was positively glowing!
- A woman goes in to a butchers shop Lady: Is that a pigs head in your window?
Butcher: No madam, it's a mirror. - I was going to write something about Madame Tussauds Museum. But I don't want to wax poetic.
- Madam, your son just called me ugly! The mother apologizes shamefacedly, "I'm so sorry, I must have told him like a thousand times it is wrong to judge people just from how they look..."
- "I'm afraid your son might never walk again, madam." "Oh my God, doctor! Is he paralyzed?"
"No, just really lazy." - Working at a brothel A madam was asked how it is to work at a brothel
It's fine, people come and go
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Madam One Liners
Which madam one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with madam? I can suggest the ones about you mam and lady.
- What did the Madam say when the brothel went out of business? Beat it! We're closed.
- Why did the abused boy not want to visit Madame Tussauds? Because it was full of whacks.
- I saw a pair of men fencing at a wax museum. Madame Twoswords
- What did Sir 2% say to Madam Skim? You make me feel whole.
- Q: What was the world's first palindrome?
A: Madam, I'm Adam. - Mike Pence is being chased through a Carson City neighborhood by an angry madam.
- I'm sorry Madam, your child has cancer... ...as his zodiac sign.
- What do you call the second-most hated politician in America? Madam President.
- What did Einstein say to Ghandi about Madame Curie? Nothing, they're both dead.
- What does a French b**... call her home? (From my 8 year old) Madame
- What did the German Madame do at the start of Oktoberfest? Lead her h**... in
- A dwarf once walked into a brothel... with a honeycomb and a j**...; the madam says,..
Cheeky Madam Jokes that Will Make You and Your Friends Chuckle
What funny jokes about madam you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean mister jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make madam pranks.
What is a pirate's LEAST favorite letter?
Dear Sir or Madam,
Your IP address has been flagged for illegally downloading movies. We will have to suspend your account, pending further investigation.
​
Sincerely,
​
The Internet Provider
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday....
She doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter.
The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.
She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter,
I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb..Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's actually on sale this week for $44."
She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.
As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts..
At first she's really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way
the blind salesman would tell exactly who had f**....
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks,
"Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44. How did you get $58.50?"
"The Duck Caller is $11, and the Fish Bait is $3.50."
So, a mother takes her daughter to a doctor...
A mother and her daughter came to the doctor's office. The mother asked the
doctor to examine her daughter. "She has been having some strange symptoms and
I'm worried about her," the mother said.
The doctor examined the daughter carefully. Then he announced, "Madam, I
believe your daughter is pregnant."
The mother gasped. "That's nonsense!" she said. "Why, my little girl has never
even been out with a man, let alone... let alone..." She turns to the girl and
said, "Tell the doctor, Susie!"
"Yes, Mumsy," said the girl. "Doctor, I have never so much as kissed a man!"
The doctor looked from the mother to daughter, and back again. Then, silently
he stood up and walked to the window. He stared out. He continued staring
until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something wrong out
there?"
"No, Madam," said the doctor. "It's just that the last time anything like this
happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if another one
was going to show up."
My 2nd Parrot joke!
A woman goes to a pet store and buys a parrot. Before she leaves the owner warns her that the Parrot had previously lived in a brothel and might have picked up some salty language. When she gets the bird home he looks around and says "New house."
She puts the bird down in the house and the parrot observes her for a moment before saying "New Madam."
The woman shrugs and thinks that it's not so bad.
Shortly after the woman's two daughters return from school and see the new pet. The Parrot looks at them and says "New girls."
Then her husband comes home from work and the parrot looks over at him and says: "Hi Bill."
A couple went out to eat ...
A couple went out to eat at a nice restaurant. The waiter came over to give them the specials of the night, "For our main courses, we have a nice roasted Salmon with a Cranberry-Mustard sauce or a tender Chicken fried steak." The lady replied that she'd have the salmon.
The waiter said, "Very good, madam. What about the vegetable?"
She said, "Oh, I'm sure he'll just order the Chicken Fried Steak."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Scottish Sargent knocks on a w**...-house door.
When the madam answers he says "Excuse me madam. But could you tell me how much you would charge for the pleasure of my company?"
The madam gives her price and they negotiate back and forth until they come to a bargain. Once the reach agreement the Sargent says "That sounds like a fair price."
Then he turns, gestures behind himself and yells "OK lads. We have a deal. Company h**...!"
Q & A with Ms Sonia Ghandi
Ms Sonia Ghandi is visiting a school. She goes to one class, gives a brief statement and says to the class full of rural children, "Ask me anything!"
So Pappu stands up. "Madam Sonia-ji, I have three questions. One, why are you not the prime minister of India; Two, who ordered the police to attack the peaceful demonstrators at Ramlila Maidan; Three, how much money do you have in your Swiss bank accounts."
Before Ms Ghandi can answer, the lunch bell rings. So after 30 mins the children and Ms Ghandi are back in the class. This time, Bubbly raises her hand. "Madam Sonia-ji, I have only questions. One, how did the lunch recess bell ring 40 minutes early; and Two, where is Pappu."
The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind....
The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?
Yes, I know, said the lady, I need both hands to hold onto this hat. But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed! said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman answers the door to a market researcher.
A woman answers the door to a market researcher. Good morning, madam, I'm doing some
research for Vaseline. Do you use it at all in your household?
Oh yes, all the time. It's very good for cuts, scrapes and burns.
Do you use it for anything else?
Like what?
Ahem.. err.. well.. during.. ahem.. s**....
Oh, of course. Yes, I smear it on the bedroom doorknob to keep my husband out!
............................................
Copy and Paste from internet
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two drunks are looking to get laid
After a hard night drinking so they make their way to a nearby brothel. The madam, noticing the extent of their intoxication, puts them up in two attic rooms with a couple of blow up dolls. When they meet again afterwards, one says to the other " I think my woman was dead beause she just did not move and was stone cold." The other one said " I think mine was a witch... as soon as I bit her n**..., shelets out a big f**... and flies out of the window"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Furniture shopping
An old favorite which might bear more than one telling is the one about the lady who visited a furniture store and ask to see a s**... couch.
The salesman, masking his amusement, politely asked, Don't you perhaps mean a section couch, madam?
No, no, she replied emphatically, I'm sure my interior decorator told me I should have a s**... couch for an occasional piece in the living room.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
After doing 50 years each in the penitentiary, Jim and Joe were finally free.
The first thing they did was head straight to a brothel. The madam noticing that both men were really old and half blind decided she would just pair them each with a blow up doll and hope they wouldn't notice.
After it all went down, the first man tells the other... "I got a bad one Joe, she basically just laid there", to which he replied "better than me, I just poked her and she f**... and flew out the window".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
This Man Sam is Not a Ram
Sam got rammed
by **LA Rams**
although he proved
that he could **jam**
he talked no trash
he sent no **spam**
he even got
3 qb **slams**
his proved his chance
was just a **sham**
should have stayed in bed,
not caused **bedlam**
a man is sam
not a **madam**
and not a Ram
is this man **Sam**
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Doing it the Jewish way
A man goes to the door of a cathouse and asks the madam if any of the girls know how to do it the Jewish way. The madam thinks he is joking and slams the door in his face. This happens several times, until finally a girl overhears him, askin the madam, says, "Wait a minute, I've never tried it the Jewish way. I'll do it for nothing." The man says "See, you're catching on already!"
An old Yiddish man goes to the Bunny Ranch.
He says to the madam, "I'm looking for a girl who knows how to do it the Jewish way."
One of girls walks over to him and says, "I'm new here, and I want to learn how to do everything, so if you'll teach me how to do it the Jewish way, I'll give it to you for half price."
The man exclaims, "THAT's the Jewish way!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A rich woman feigns illness andbleavesba party early
When she gets home, she calls the butler to her bedroom.
"Jeeves? Take off my coat."
"Yes, madam."
"Jeeves, remove my high heels."
"Yes, madam."
"Jeeves, unzip my dress, and remove it...throw it on the floor!
"Yes, madam."
"Jeeves, remove my brassiere and p**...."
"Yes, madam."
"Jeeves?"
"Yes, madam?"
"If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A very experienced man...
A man visits a house of ill-repute. He tells the woman, "I've seen everything and done it all. I need an experience I've never had before."
The madam summons a rather plain looking young woman and says, "This is Susan. She's for you."
The man seems unimpressed but resigns himself to the choice.
She takes him to her room, sits him down on the bed, and begins to f**... his manly bits.
After his interest is fully a**..., she pops out a glass eye, and uses her empty eye socket to gratify him.
As he's leaving, he says to the madam, "That was the most amazing experience! Can I come back tomorrow?"
The madams says, "Absolutely--I'll tell Susan to keep an eye out for you."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An elderly lady goes to the doctor...
DR: Yes madam, how can I help you?
EL: Well Dr, I can't stop f**.... However it's not that bad because they are odorless. In fact, I've f**... 3 times already since walking into your office.
DR: Take one of these pills every day for a week and come back to see me.
One week later...
EL: Dr, what on earth did you do to me? I still f**... as much as before but now they stink terribly.
DR: Ok, now that we have cleared up your nose we can do something about your farts.
An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind.
An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."
"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied,
"Sir anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Labor union joke
A labor union organizer goes to a w**... and asks the madam if the girls are in a union. "Sorry," she replies, so he leaves.
He goes to a second w**..., and again asks the madam if the girls are in a union. When told they are not, he asks, "How can I spend my money here when you do not share your profits with your labor?" and leaves.
He goes to a third w**... and again asks the madam if the girls are in a union. "They are," the madam proudly replies. "Great," he says. "I'll go with that cute little blonde over there." "You can't," the madam says. "You have to go with the old grey-haired lady over there. She has seniority."
Little Johnny is complaining to his mother early in the morning
'Mum, I have a stomach ache...'
'Don't worry, honey,' says the mother. 'It's only aching because you have an empty stomach.'
Little Johnny acknowledges this and calms down. In the evening, Little Johnny's parents welcome an esteemed guest: the Under Secretary of Interior. During the course of the evening, the Under Secretary says:
'Dear Madam, could I get some painkiller please? I have a horrible headache...'
Little Johnny looks up from his drawing in the corner and says:
'Don't worry, sir! It's only aching because you have an empty head!'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There's v**... on his sweater already...
Woman: Did you just quote Eminem?
Doctor: Your husband's alcohol poisoning is not a joke, madam!
A man is sued and goes to court...
A man is sued for calling a lady a cow during a heated exchange at work. The man is asked by the judge to pay a small fine to the madam which he does immediately. Just before leaving the courtroom, the man and the judge have the following conversation:
"Your honor, may I ask you a question?"
"By all means sir"
"If i were to call a cow a madam, would I still have to pay a fine?"
"Of course not, that's crazy"
"Thank you your honor"
The man then turns to the woman and says:
"Have a good day madam"
And proceeds to walk out of tthe courtroom
(My dad just told me this in Serbian and it sounded better but this sort of works. Hope you get some gags!)
A woman was being interviewed during a driving test
Officer: You are driving a car down the road, you see your husband and your brother crossing the road from opposite lanes.
What will you hit first?
Woman: Husband! My husband!
Officer: This is the third time I'm telling you madam, you hit the brakes first!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A pirate walks into a Brothel
He has a fettish for girls with prosthetics so he asks the Madam if any are working.
The madam replies "yes, but they're all into p**...."
Didn't realise there were so many black characters in Beauty and the Beast.
The bookkeeper.
Madam Garderobe.
Plumette.
... Belle.
A policeman arrives at the crime scene
"Now, Madam, can you describe the man who stole your handbag?"
"Oh, it all happened so fast! He pushed me over from behind, I didn't see him at all. One thing though; he was a vegan."
"How do you know that?"
"He told me as he was running off."
I just skillfully removed a cup of wax from Kim Jong's left ear using a penknife.
Madam Tussaud's have now banned me for life.
A lady calls her butler into her room and says, "Jeeves, take off my dress"
He casually says, "Yes, Madam", and removes the dress. Then she says, "Jeeves, take off my underwear". Again, he says, "Yes, Madam" and removes the undergarment. She then says, "Jeeves, take off my bra". Again, with no hesitation he says, "Yes, Madam" and removes the bra. Then she says, "Now out of my sight! If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
As i walk in the local shopping mall, a woman comes walking towards me
She asks me: "sir, do you have a moment for animal a**...?" As the good man I am, I say: "of course, madam." So i walked to the nearest dog and kicked it like a football. Apparently that was not what she meant...
Joe and his friends went to the costume party...
Joe and his friends went to the costume party and were really enjoying themselves.
Then a woman came in. She was wearing nothing at all, but was body-painted in white from head to toes.
The guys struggled to guess what that meant but after few drinks Joe gathered courage and went to ask.
"Excuse me, madam, we were wondering what are you dressed up as? Can you please tell us?"
The woman spreads her legs and says:
"Tooth decay, silly!"
A man sees a woman in a bar...
A man sees a woman in a bar and asks, "Ma'am, would you sleep with me for a million dollars?"
The woman is startled at first, but replies, "My goodness! Well, I suppose... we would have to discuss terms, of course..."
The man turns away from her and says, "I've changed my mind. Would you sleep with me for five dollars?"
The woman then says, "Of course not! What kind of woman do you think I am?"
The man says, "Madam, we've already established that. Now we're just negotiating.
A man died in an accident when working at the brewery.
When the police arrived at his home to inform his wife, she asked how it happened. "Well, madam, I'm sorry to say he fell into one of the beer cauldrons and drowned," said the officer. In tears, the wife asked the officer, "Please, at least tell me it was a quick death". "Unfortunately not," the officer explains, "witnesses say he climbed out at least twice to go to the bathroom".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Not my p**...
A wife goes on a retreat for work.
When she returns, she finds a pair of p**... in her dresser that do not belong to her.
Furious, she questions her husband.
The husband says, "I have no idea where they came from I don't do the laundry!"
So, the wife goes to the maid and questions her.
Indignant, the maid replies, "Madam, how should I know? These p**... don't belong to me. I don't even wear p**... just ask your husband!"
An old lady and a bus driver
A nice old lady on a bus offers the driver some almonds. He is happy to have the nuts but he noticed that the old lady isn't having any herself.
The driver asks, Excuse me madam, why aren't you eating any of he almonds?
The old lady says, Young man, they are too hard on my poor teeth, I can't.
The bus driver, confused, then asks, Why did you by them in the first place then?
The old lady replies, You see, I can't eat any of the almonds, but I sure love the chocolate they are covered in!
"May i try the dress in the shop window?"
"I'm sorry madam but no. We have cabins for that."
My wife asked me to buy a king sized pillow at Target.
After a fruitless search, I replied, "As a trans madam once said to a prospective client, 'Sorry, they're all standard queens.'"
(true story, bro)
How would Madame Foster begin the process of putting her Home for Imaginary Friends up for sale?
By contacting a Fake Estate Agent.
The scene is West Germany, circa 1974
A BAOR^* captain goes into a brothel and wishes the madam a good evening, and asks "How much would you charge for the pleasure of my company?"
"One hundred and twenty-five Deutschmarks, if you please," she answers. The captain nods agreement, takes out his wallet and hands over a few notes, then goes to the door, leans out into the street, and calls out:
"All right, men! Fall in!"
* British Army of the Rhine; originally an occupation force and later a defence force under the NATO umbrella.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An attractive woman explains to a young man:
"I can do anything, except s**... with a total stranger".
"Madam, let me introduce myself".
This is most unusual madam, you seem to have no teeth at all.
Pardon? You're here for a smear test? That's next door.
A woman walks into a restaurant...
...and says "Waiter, what is the meal of the day?".
The waiter says "We have the duck today, madam. But the whole thing is very expensive."
The woman says "Fine, just send me the bill".
An elderly gentleman
An elderly gentleman goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a younger
woman for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90 ! ' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
Knock knock
Who's there?
Madam
Madam who?
Madam foot is stuck in the door, can you open it please?!
What was the first thing Adam said to Eve?
The topic for my ninth-grade class was palindromes, words or sentences that are the same read forward and backward. I asked the question, "What was the first thing Adam said to Eve?"
I was expecting the answer "Madam, I'm Adam," but one student had a better reply:
"Wow."
Oh Divinity!
Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest informs her she cannot enter without it.
A few moments later, the lady reappears, wearing her blouse tied to her head.
The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without your wearing a blouse."
"But Father, I have a divine right," she insists.
"Yes, I see. And you also have a divine left, but you still must wear a blouse to enter this church."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Madam, we brought your husband. He is very drunk,every time we lifted him he fell again.
w**..., where is his wheelchair?!
Have to charge you 25 dollars
Dentist: I'm sorry, madam, but I'll have to charge you twenty-five dollars for pulling your son's tooth.
Mother: Twenty-five dollars! But I thought you only charged five dollars for an extraction.
Dentist: I usually do. But your son yelled so loud, he scared four other patients out of the office.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"Madam, Please ask your son to stop peeing in the pool!"
"Oh, But everyone pees in the pool! Are you saying you haven't?"
***'Not from the Diving board!!!"***
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man in his 60s h**... to a brothel
... constantly shaking from his Parkinson's.
He tells the madam I want 5 girls.
The madam says are you sure? 5 girls might kill you. But the man is adamant and soon enough he's in a room with 5 girls.
Shaking from every joint as he lays on the bed, he tells 2 girls: you two, hold down my arms.
Then he tells 2 more girls: you two, hold down my legs.
Finally, the last one, you get on top.
Now, you 4, let go!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Five Hundred Bucks
A trucker who has been on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!" The madam is astonished. "But, sir, for that kind of money, you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."
The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't h**..., I'm homesick."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The blonde and the 710 k**...
A blonde walks into an auto shop to ask a question.
Blonde: I have a k**... under the hood of my car that says 710 on it. It only turns one way and when I turn it, nothing happens. Can you tell me what it does?
Confused, the mechanic says show me.
She takes him out to her car and when the hood is raised, the blonde points to the 710 k**....
The mechanic laughs, rolls his eyes and says Madam, your OIL cap was put on upside down. Have a nice day!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I Needed to Blow Off Some Steam so I Went to the w**......
...but the door was locked. Then the Madam came down and said, "We're closed. Beat it."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Embroidery
A young woman went into Victoria's Secret and asked if she might have the sentence, "If you can read this, you're too close!" embroidered on her p**... and bra. "Yes, madam," said the clerk, "I'm quite certain that could be done. What kind of lettering would you like it done in?"
"Braille," she replied.
Old lady on a cruise...
The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?
Yes, I know, said the lady, I need both hands to hold onto this hat. But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed! said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!
A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains.
She tells the salesman:
"I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my
computer screen".
The surprised salesman replies:
"But madam, computers do not have curtains...".
And the blonde said:
"Helloooo.... I've got Windows!!!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two elderly men
Got wasted drunk one evening and decided to go to a brothel.
The madam seeing how out of it both of them were decided to give them blow up dolls instead of real women.
The next day the two old men met up again and started sharing their experiences of the previous night.
The first one went.
"I think mine was dead. I moved her, shook her. No reaction whatsoever".
The other guy said.
"This is nothing. I'm convinced mine was a witch. In the heat of the moment as we were going at it I bit her a**.... She let out a massive f**.... Then flew out the window taking my dentures with her."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
As I knelt down with a pair of size 4 shoes in front of this blonde in a short skirt, I couldn't resist a quick glance at her knickers:
"Hey cheeky!" She said as she gave me a playful kick. "I bet the only reason you work here is to look up girls' skirts isn't it?"
"That's an absolutely ridiculous accusation, madam." I said sternly. "I don't even work here."
What is your age, madam?
Asked the Enumerator, taking details for the census.
Lady - "Thirty, sir."
Enumerator - "If I don't mistake, you were thirty at the last census, ten years ago."
Lady - "Well, my man, I'm not the person who says one thing today and another tomorrow."
Source: 1913 newspaper
A woman put on some clothes and walked out to her garden and saw a man in her tree.
"What on earth is going on here?" she asked.
The man replied, "I'm every so sorry, madam. An awfully embarrassing incident has happened here. I'm a skydiving instructor, the landing didn't go as I'd expected."
The woman frowned, and said, "But there's no parachute...and why are you holding binoculars?"
"How else do you expect me to find my parachute?" he asked.
A 90 year old man goes into a brothel
He walks up to the madam and asks for a young, nubile woman. The madam looks at him and says: You're 90 years old, you've had it! He replies: Oh, I have? How much do I owe you?
A jewel
Mrs. Whembleton decided to have her portrait painted.
She told the artist, Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant.
But, Madam, you are not wearing any of those things.
True enough, said Mrs. Whembleton. If I should predecease my dear husband I know he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go stark raving mad looking for the jewelry!
Traffic court
A woman was found guilty in traffic court and when asked for her occupation she said she was a schoolteacher.
The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court."
He smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write, 'I will not run a red light' five hundred times."
a blonde is standing on the street buzzing at a lantern
a blonde police officer sees her buzzing the lantern, stops and asks: what are you doing, madam? The blonde answers: I'm trying to buzz my friend down but he's not answering. Blonde police officer points confused at the light of the lantern and replies: but he must be home since the lights are on!
(my mom told me this in German the other day, I hope my translation makes sense! open for corrections!)
