The Best 71 Mad Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Mad jokes. There are some mad madman jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these mad nutcase puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Mad Jokes and Puns

Everyone in Hawaii is mad about the malfunction of the early warning system. Those fools.

Hawaii **IS** the early warning system.

My girlfriend is mad because I could only last 2 minutes in bed

In my defense it was doggy style so it's more like 14 minutes.

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.

As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."Β 

He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

My best friend got mad at me because he caught me sniffing his sister's panties

It didn't help that she was still wearing them.

Or that his whole family was there.

That made the rest of his sister's funeral kind of awkward.

And who thought you could make the funeral for such a small child more awkward than it already was..

Word is Hollywood executives are mad about Elliot Page transitioning from a woman to a man...

Now they'll have to pay him 20% more...


I hate when my girlfriend gets mad at me for being lazy

It's not like I did anything

My wife found out i was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding...

She got so mad and said she's never gonna play scrabble with me ever again

The creator of Mad Libs died this week.

His friends described him as a warm and pulpy man who loved his wife and pelicans. He will be deeply pooped.

Prisoner: I'm sorry I tried to escape.

Guard: I'm not mad, just........disappointed.

Remember, kids, never let your guard down.

My roommates get mad when I steal their kitchen utensils.

But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

Amy Schumer gets mad when people describe her as fat, slutty, and disgusting..

because she doesn't like when people steal her material.

You can explore mad girlfriend reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean mad megahertz dad jokes. There are also mad puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.

My teenage daughter came home from school and she was blazing mad. We had sex education today dad and you lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die! I put down my newspaper, looked at her and said…

Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.

A friend got mad at me for smelling his sister's underwear.

I don't know if it was because she was still wearing them or because the rest of the family was there. Either way it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.

Dad my girlfriends pregnant

"Dad, my girlfriend's pregnant."

"I'm not mad, just disappointed."

"Hi disappointed, I'm dad."

"Did you jus..."

"Yes."

"You're ready."

"I'm not ready, I just told you that I'm dad."

I was in bed with this redneck girl when her father, her brother and her boyfriend busted in the room...

....and boy was he mad.

Dear Humans,

You get mad at me when I work....You get mad at me when I don't work.

Sincerely,

Confused alarm clock.

BOSS: What's going on here?

BOSS: What's going on here?

JAMES: Dave's mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-

DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!

JAMES: ugh ok FINE. And I, "on purpose", slept with his wife

Everybody gets mad when I say Jesus was white, but I have proof.

If my understanding of transubstantiation is correct, Jesus is a cracker.


A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.

As the husband was walking to the door, the wife yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."

Husband turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

I introduced my girlfriend to my family today.

My kids really liked her but my wife seemed mad.

My girlfriend is mad because I keep getting free drinks around town by saying I'm engaged

She said "Why is it that every time you say your engaged people congratulate you and buy you a drink, but when I say it they charge me double?"

I told her that when she says it they expect to see a ring but when I say it they expect to see an empty wallet

A captain notices a light in the distance, on a collision course with his ship.

He turns on his signal lamp and sends, Change your course, 10 degrees west.

The light signals back, Change yours, 10 degrees east.

The captain gets a little annoyed. He signals, I'm a US Navy captain. You must change your course, sir.

The light signals back, I'm a Seaman First Class. You must change your course, sir.

Now the captain is mad. He signals, I'm an aircraft carrier. I'm not changing my course.

The light signals back a final message: I'm a lighthouse. Your call.

Eight year old tells funniest joke

My eight year old cousin told me this one:

Why was Beethoven mad at his chicken?

Because he kept saying Bach Bach Bach

My Girlfriend has been repeatedly asking me Are you a character from Alice in Wonderland? and it's getting really annoying

My Friend asked me Are you mad at her?

I relied with Don't you start too

A guy walks into a bar, slumps into a chair, and orders a beer. The bartender says, "What's wrong, pal? You look down."

The guy sighs and says, "I am down. My wife is mad at me, and said she wouldn't talk to me for a whole month."

The bartender says, "Gee, that's too bad. When does that start?"

"Start? Today's the last day."

Professor: April, you are failing my class.

April: Oh, Professor. My parents will be so mad. I'm sure we can fix this. I'll do annnything to pass.

Professor: {gulp} anything?

April: YES! Anything you can dream up.

Professor: Will you…… study?

My wife found out I was cheating

My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding…

She got mad and said she is never playing Scrabble with me ever again!!

I had a cocaine​ joke, but now I can't find it

It makes me really mad because I had it all lined up

When i was born I was so mad at my parents

I didn't talk to them for two years

Lenin in Warsaw

A Soviet filmmaker makes a film called Lenin in Warsaw. Everybody shows up for the premiere. The film opensβ€”on Lenin's wife, Krupskaya, naked, having mad sex with another man. And then another. And another. And so on. The film continues in the same vein for ninety minutes.

Finally, the lights come up and the director takes questions from the audience.

First question: Very interesting movie, comrade, butβ€”where was Lenin?

The director answers: In Warsaw.

"Dad, my girlfriend is pregnant

"Dad, my girlfriend is pregnant"

Son, I'm not mad.. Just disappointed

"Hi disappointed, I'm dad"

Son, did you just-

"Yes"

You're ready.

I wouldn't be mad.

And the Lord said unto John "Come forth and receive eternal life". But John came fifth and won a toaster.

My girlfriend always gets mad when I mess with her red wine…

So I added some Sprite and oranges to it and now she's sangria then ever…

Hillary's mad at Satan

Hillary: Satan! We had a deal! Where's the election victory that you promised me?

Satan: Where's the soul that you said you had?

My wife is actually mad at me for being so excited to see her mother tonight....

The viewing is at 7pm.

My girlfriend was mad because I didn't open the car door for her.

I just swam to the surface.

My Jewish girlfriend got mad when I let out a fart while watching tv.

I said, honey. A little gas never hurt anyone.

My best friend got mad at me sniffing his sister's panties

It didn't help that they were still on her. Or that all of his family was there too. Needless to say it made the rest of the funeral really awkward.

I saw a homeless man & I asked him if I gave him $20 would you buy booze? He said no he hadn't had a beer in years. Then I said if I give you $20 will you buy hunting gear? He again said no, he stopped hunting 5 years ago.

So then I said I'll do you better than $20. I'll take you home let you all cleaned up. My wife will cook a fantastic meal for you. Then I'll bring you back & still give you $20.
He asked me won't she get mad? I said it didn't matter.
I just wanted her to see what happens to a man when he stops drinking & hunting!

My girlfriend is mad at me

According to her diary, I have "boundary issues".

Why did Republicans get mad when Sting got a facelift?

Because they hate Police reform.

I don't know why my friend was mad when I threw his frisbee...

He even said it was a new record.

I went mad when I found out my mum used to have sex with animals before I was born...

I killed her with my bear hands.

What has 9 letters and makes everyone mad?

Clickbait

Totally sick of idiots letting fireworks off early, it's still October for goodness sake!!!

Dog is going mad and keeps knocking the Christmas tree over!

I Hear that Russia is so mad about the US airstrike in syria

That they are seriously considering voting democratic in the next election.

The girl next door to mine is a pornstar

But she is going to be really mad if she finds out

Why do they call it PMS?

Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

Gender roles are changing. Nowadays some women get mad when you hold a car door open.

Particularly the ones on bikes.

Why do girls always get mad when I try to read their shirts?

It's not my fault I'm blind.

You better start brushing your teeth, son!

Oral-B very mad!

Don't get mad at people who call you fat

You're bigger than that

Will you get mad?

Wife: *Honey, do I look fat in this dress?*

Husband: *Will you get mad if I tell you the truth?*

Wife: *No, silly. Of course not*

Husband: *I slept with your sister*

My wife agreed to a sex tape

but she got mad at me when I held auditions for her part.

Two cows are standing in a field.

One cow says, Man that mad cow disease sure is scary isn't it?

The other responds, Yea it is, thank god I'm a helicopter.

Do these jeans make me look fat?

wife : Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me totally scared: Would you get mad if i tell you the truth?
Wife : No, i won't! Tell me.
Me : I slept with your sister

I was kidnapped by mad scientist who experimented on me, replacing my limbs with animal ones.

If I ever see him again I'll tear him apart with my bear hands.

After several dates, my girlfriend wanted me to meet her parents, so they invited me over for dinner. It did not go well...

During the meal, somebody started playing footsies with me under the table, then gradually moved up and kept rubbing until I came. Later, I told my girlfriend how much I had enjoyed the sexy play during dinner. She got so mad and said that it wasn't her. I guess I got off on the wrong foot.

Two cows were talking in a field..

One said to the other, "Have you heard about that mad cow disease?" The other says, "Yeah, good thing we're penguins".

My wife asked me which of her friends I want to have a threesome with

Now she's mad at my answer.

I guess I was suppose to only say one name, not two,

My wife is mad at me.

Get this, her diary says I have boundary issues.

Don't be mad at lazy people.

They didn't do anything.

Why was the tumblrina mad at the gamer?

He was pushing the right trigger.

Whistle Puns

One day, I went to the store, and I bought a wooden whistle, but it wooden whistle.

So I went to the store again, and I bought a steel whistle, but it steel wooden whistle.

After a lot of frustration, I went to the store again and I bought a lead whistle.
I was really mad at this point. It steel wooden lead me whistle!

Political correctness gone mad.

I can't even refer to my own child as my disabled son.

Apparently it's my "daughter."

Annoying husband

Husband says: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
Wife says: I clean the toilet...
Husband says: How does that help?
Wife says: I use your Toothbrush.....

In his quest to gain more power, the mad scientist extended his hours at the lab.

This is after he discovered that power is work overtime.

Why is menopause called menopause?

Because mad cow disease was taken

Yesterday I farted in a Apple Store and everyone got mad at me

It's not my fault they don't have Windowsο»Ώ

Political Correctness has gone mad...

You can't even say "Black paint" anymore, you have to say "Jamal would you please kindly help me paint my fence."

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the mad insane jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working mad march madness piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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