mad Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious mad puns

Everyone in Hawaii is mad about the malfunction of the early warning system. Those fools.

Hawaii **IS** the early warning system.

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My sister asked for me to bring her something hard to write on

I don't know why she became so mad. It's pretty fucking hard to write on sand.

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Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl."

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later:

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!"

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"

Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister."

This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.

Son: "Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"

The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"

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Wife: Does this dress make me look fat? Me: You promise not to get mad no matter what i say? Wife: Yes

Me: I fucked your sister

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A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.

As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."Β 

He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

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My best friend got mad at me because he caught me sniffing his sister's panties

It didn't help that she was still wearing them.

Or that his whole family was there.

That made the rest of his sister's funeral kind of awkward.

And who thought you could make the funeral for such a small child more awkward than it already was..

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I made a joke about net neutrality

Americans didn't get it.

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My wife found out i was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding...

She got so mad and said she's never gonna play scrabble with me ever again

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The creator of Mad Libs died this week.

His friends described him as a warm and pulpy man who loved his wife and pelicans. He will be deeply pooped.

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Son: "Dad, I fell in love and want to date this girl"

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later:

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!"

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"

Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister."

This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.

Son: "Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"

The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"

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Prisoner: I'm sorry I tried to escape.

Guard: I'm not mad, just........disappointed.

Remember, kids, never let your guard down.

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A man and his wife were getting dressed for a big event. After putting on her dress, she asked her husband, "does this dress make my ass look fat?"

The husband sighed, and asked his wife, "Honey, do you promise me you won't get mad, no matter how I answer?"

His wife said, "I promise, I'll never bring it up again."

The husband looked her over and said, "I fucked your sister."

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My roommates get mad when I steal their kitchen utensils.

But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

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The madam tell her girls ' Just give those guys blow-up dolls.'

'They're so wasted they'll never know the difference'

After when they're walking home the first guy says 'I think mine was dead; She never moved or made a sound the whole time'

The second says 'I think Mine was a witch'

First: 'really whys that?'

Second: ''cause when i bit her ass she farted in my face and then flew out the window'

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Amy Schumer gets mad when people describe her as fat, slutty, and disgusting..

because she doesn't like when people steal her material.

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How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.

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Made love to my wife for an hour and four minutes tonight

Thanks, Daylight Savings Time!

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My teenage daughter came home from school and she was blazing mad. We had sex education today dad and you lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die! I put down my newspaper, looked at her and said…

Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.

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A friend got mad at me for smelling his sister's underwear.

I don't know if it was because she was still wearing them or because the rest of the family was there. Either way it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.

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Dad my girlfriends pregnant

"Dad, my girlfriend's pregnant."

"I'm not mad, just disappointed."

"Hi disappointed, I'm dad."

"Did you jus..."

"Yes."

"You're ready."

"I'm not ready, I just told you that I'm dad."

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Swear you won't get mad

* Her: Do these pants make me look fat?
* Him: Do you swear you won't get mad if I tell you the truth?
* Her: I won't get mad, honey. You can tell me.
* Him: I'm fucking your sister.

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My wife found out I was cheating after she found the letters I was hiding.

She got mad and said she's never playing Scrabble with me again.

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My girlfriend is a porn star!

She's going to be really mad when she finds out.

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I was in bed with this redneck girl when her father, her brother and her boyfriend busted in the room...

....and boy was he mad.

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I made this joke up when I was eight. I'm very proud of it.

What's in the wardrobe?

Narnia business.

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I've just made up a word...

Plagiarism.

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Honesty

While trying on a jeans, a wife asks her husband.

Wife: "Darling, do I look fat in these jeans?"

Husband: "Can I be honest with you? Promise me you won't get mad."

Wife: "Sure darling, go ahead, I won't be angry."

Husband: "I fucked your sister."

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I just made this one up and it's really stupid. What do you call a resistor that can't afford rent?

Ohm-less

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Made love to my girlfriend for an hour and 15 seconds last night

Thanks, Daylight Savings Time. I couldn't have done it without you.

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BOSS: What's going on here?

BOSS: What's going on here?

JAMES: Dave's mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-

DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!

JAMES: ugh ok FINE. And I, "on purpose", slept with his wife

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A man is drunk in a bar,

Across the bar he sees three heavy set women, speaking with Scottish sounding accents. He makes his way to the women and asks; "Excuse me, are you ladies from Scotland?" The first women gets mad and yells "It's Wales, you ass! Wales!" The man the replies. "I'm sorry, are you three whales from Scotland?"

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I introduced my girlfriend to my family today.

My kids really liked her but my wife seemed mad.

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My girlfriend is mad because I keep getting free drinks around town by saying I'm engaged

She said "Why is it that every time you say your engaged people congratulate you and buy you a drink, but when I say it they charge me double?"

I told her that when she says it they expect to see a ring but when I say it they expect to see an empty wallet

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Two Irishmen have a bright idea...

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy,

"I'm gonna get the day off. I'm gonna pretend I've gone mad!" He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts "I'm a lightbulb, I'm a lightbulb!"

Murphy watches in amazement.

The foreman shouts: "Paddy, go home. You've gone mad."

So Paddy leaves the site. Murphy starts packing is kit up to leave as well.

"Where do you think you're going?" asks the foreman.

"Well, I can't work in the friggin dark!" said Murphy.

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My wife found out I was cheating...

... after she found the letters I was hiding.

She got real mad and said that she'd never play Scrabble with me ever again.

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Eight year old tells funniest joke

My eight year old cousin told me this one:

Why was Beethoven mad at his chicken?

Because he kept saying Bach Bach Bach

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I just made love to my girlfriend

She asked, "If I get pregnant, what should we name the baby?"

I took off my condom, tied a knot, and flushed it down the toilet.

"Well" I said, "If he can get out of that, we'll call him Houdini".

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Not a joke, just a story with a reminder to be careful when telling jokes...

I heard a joke a few weeks ago that went, "What do you do when an epileptic is having a fit in the bath? Throw your washing in."

I decided to repeat the joke in work today to a few of my customers (I work in a pub) and when I finished, one guy got really mad at me. He screamed that I shouldn't tell jokes like that because his brother died in the bath as a kid while having an epileptic fit.

I asked, "Did he drown?"

The guy was furious and said, "No, he choked on a sock!"

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My Girlfriend has been repeatedly asking me Are you a character from Alice in Wonderland? and it's getting really annoying

My Friend asked me Are you mad at her?

I relied with Don't you start too

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My wife is mad at me...

W: "I can't believed you fucked my sister!"

M: "She was just lying on the table when I got to work. Stark naked, looking incredibly hot! What was I supposed to do? I'm just human!"

W: "Performed the fucking autopsy!"

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Someone made a post offending handicapped people, but I didn't reply.

The comments were disabled.

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A madame is managing a whorehouse . . .

. . . when she sees a new john come in. She sends over her newest girl. The madame sees her sit on his lap and flirt a bit. Then he wispers something in her ear. She looks horrified and yells, "Oh God no!" and runs away.

The madame thinks, O.K., this guy is a little kinky. So she sends over one of her more experienced gals. She sits on his lap, he whispers in her ear, and she shouts "Are you kidding me!" and storms off.

At this point, the madame thinks alright, this guy is a freak. She sends in her skankiest gal who has seen and done every sex act known to man. She sits on his lap, he whispers in his ear, and she stands up and slaps him in the face and hurries away.

The madame can't stand it anymore. She goes up to the john and demands, "What have you been whispering in my girls' ears?!"

He replies sheepishly, "Sorry, eh? I just wanted to know if I could pay in Canadian dollars."

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I had a cocaine​ joke, but now I can't find it

It makes me really mad because I had it all lined up

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When i was born I was so mad at my parents

I didn't talk to them for two years

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Lenin in Warsaw

A Soviet filmmaker makes a film called Lenin in Warsaw. Everybody shows up for the premiere. The film opensβ€”on Lenin's wife, Krupskaya, naked, having mad sex with another man. And then another. And another. And so on. The film continues in the same vein for ninety minutes.

Finally, the lights come up and the director takes questions from the audience.

First question: Very interesting movie, comrade, butβ€”where was Lenin?

The director answers: In Warsaw.

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I made a chicken salad this morning

Stupid thing won't even eat it.

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"Dad, my girlfriend is pregnant

"Dad, my girlfriend is pregnant"

Son, I'm not mad.. Just disappointed

"Hi disappointed, I'm dad"

Son, did you just-

"Yes"

You're ready.

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I wouldn't be mad.

And the Lord said unto John "Come forth and receive eternal life". But John came fifth and won a toaster.

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My girlfriend always gets mad when I mess with her red wine…

So I added some Sprite and oranges to it and now she's sangria then ever…

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The creator of Mad Libs has died.

His friends described him as a warm and pulpy man who loved his wife and pelicans. He will be deeply pooped.

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Hillary's mad at Satan

Hillary: Satan! We had a deal! Where's the election victory that you promised me?

Satan: Where's the soul that you said you had?

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My wife is actually mad at me for being so excited to see her mother tonight....

The viewing is at 7pm.

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My girlfriend was mad because I didn't open the car door for her.

I just swam to the surface.

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My Jewish girlfriend got mad when I let out a fart while watching tv.

I said, honey. A little gas never hurt anyone.

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I once made a belt out of $100 bills

Turns out it was just a waist of money

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I made a graph of my past relationships...

The data was plotted on an ex axis and why axis.

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My best friend got mad at me sniffing his sister's panties

It didn't help that they were still on her. Or that all of his family was there too. Needless to say it made the rest of the funeral really awkward.

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I have a friend that's a Jehova's Witness

This one time she got mad at me, because she told a knock knock joke, and I refused to answer.

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Vacation in Jamaica

Lady goes on vacation to Jamaica. Β Upon arriving, she meets a black
man, and after a night of passionate love making she asks him, 'What
is your name?'

'I can't tell you,' the black Β man says.

Every night they meet and every night Β she asks him again what his
name is, and he always responds the same, he can't tell her. On her
last Β night there she asks again 'Can you please tell me your name?'

'I can't tell you my name because you will laugh at me.' says the black Β man.

'There is no reason for me to laugh at you,' Β the lady says.
'Fine, my name is Snow!' Β the Β black man replies. And the lady bursts
into laughter, and the black man gets mad and Β says, ' I knew you
would make fun of it'.

The Β lady replied, 'I'm not making fun of your name. I'm Β thinking of
my husband who won't believe me when I Β tell him that I enjoyed 10 inches
of Snow every day in Β Jamaica.πŸ’ƒπŸ—»πŸ†

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My girlfriend is mad at me

According to her diary, I have "boundary issues".

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A wife got so mad at her husband...

that she packed his bags and told him to get the hell out of the house. As he walked out, she screamed, "I hope you die a slow, painful death!" He turned around and said, "Does that mean you want me to stay?"

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I don't know why my friend was mad when I threw his frisbee...

He even said it was a new record.

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My brother always gets mad when I mess with his red wine

So I added some Sprite and oranges to it and now he's sangria than ever...

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I made a belt out of watches once...

It was a complete waist of time.

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I went mad when I found out my mum used to have sex with animals before I was born...

I killed her with my bear hands.

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I made a chicken salad this morning.

Stupid thing didn't even eat it.

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What has 9 letters and makes everyone mad?

Clickbait

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I just made my new wrestling name. My name is Off In Church...

Because no one beats off in church

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I Hear that Russia is so mad about the US airstrike in syria

That they are seriously considering voting democratic in the next election.

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My best friend got mad when he caught me sniffing his sister's panties.

It probably didn't help that she was still wearing them, or that his whole family was there too.


It made the rest of his sister's funeral really awkward...

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Too Much to Drink

It was getting late one night when the bartender at a pub decided he'd have to cut one of the regulars off.

*"You've had too much to drink Jeffrey. I've got to stop servin' ya."*

*"Aye, it seems I have. Besides, the wife's probably gonna be mad I drank too much again. I should get on home"* replied Jeffrey.

At which point he tried to get up off his barstool, but immediately fell to the floor. ***SMACK*** After another attempt to get up, Jeffrey fell to the floor once more. ***SMACK***

*"Do ya need some help there Jeffrey?"* said the bartender. *"No no, I'll be fine. I only live across the road!"* responded Jeffrey as he crawled drunkenly across the pub floor.

It took Jeffrey quite a while to get to the door of the pub. He tried to get up and walk once more, but he fell back to the ground just as hard. ***SMACK*** Eventually, after much struggle he made it across the street and into his apartment.

The next day he woke up with a splitting headache, and it was clear is wife was not pleased.

*"Ya got piss drunk again last night, didn't ya Jeffrey?!?"* she barked.

Jeffrey sighed, and then responded *"Yes dear, I did. I'm so sorry! How did ya know?"*

To which his wife snapped back *"The pub phoned this mornin'. Ya left yer damn wheelchair at the bar again!"*

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The girl next door to mine is a pornstar

But she is going to be really mad if she finds out

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Why do they call it PMS?

Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

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Are you made from Na, selenium and xenon?

Because you are sodium SeXe.

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Why do girls always get mad when I try to read their shirts?

It's not my fault I'm blind.

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You better start brushing your teeth, son!

Oral-B very mad!

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I made up a joke about North Korea...

Kim Jong-Un awakes to a beautiful sunrise above his North Korean palace. He calls out to the morning sun. "Good morning, sun!" he shouts.

Incredibly, the sun responds to him. "Good morning, my dear leader!" the sun shouts back.

Later that day, Kim Jong-Un addresses the sun once again. "Good afternoon, sun!"

"Good afternoon, oh great and glorious leader!" the sun replies faithfully once more.

Later that night, Kim Jong-Un bids farewell to the setting sun. "Good night, sun!"

The sun is silent.

"I said good night, sun!"

No response.

"Sun, can't you hear me! I'm speaking to you!"

"I'm in the West now. Go fuck yourself."

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I broke up with my girlfriend because I am gay

She got really mad, and sent me a picture of her sucking some dudes cock. I said to her "Tell Kevin I said hi!"

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I made a 3D game about a depressed self-harming goth

It's mostly unskippable cutscenes.

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Paddy and Murphy

...are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off. I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!" He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts "I'M A LIGHT BULB! I'M A LIGHT BULB!" Murphy watches in amazement! The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home". So he leaves the site. Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well. "Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman. "I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.

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Will you get mad?

Wife: *Honey, do I look fat in this dress?*

Husband: *Will you get mad if I tell you the truth?*

Wife: *No, silly. Of course not*

Husband: *I slept with your sister*

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I made a dozen girls instantly wet yesterday because of my physique

no one can beat me at doing a cannonball in the pool.

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"I've made a lot of sacrifices to get to where I am today,"

said the Aztec high priest.

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Two cows are standing in a field.

One cow says, Man that mad cow disease sure is scary isn't it?

The other responds, Yea it is, thank god I'm a helicopter.

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A man and a woman are getting ready for a party...

Woman: Does this dress make me look fat?

Man: Do you promise not to get mad no matter what I say?

Woman: Yes, I promise.

Man: I fucked your sister.

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I made a huge mistake

I took my girlfriend to Subway, when she got her six inch sub, she looked at me and she instantly knew that I've been lying to her for years.

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Do these jeans make me look fat?

wife : Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me totally scared: Would you get mad if i tell you the truth?
Wife : No, i won't! Tell me.
Me : I slept with your sister

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In 12 years of marriage the husband always insisted to have sex in the pitch dark room.

After all these years while getting at it the wife got mad and turned on the light. She saw that the man was holding a dildo in his hand and thrusting her with it. The wife got furious and exclaimed, 'You cheat! so this is what you have been doing for the past 12 years. Explain me what did I do to deserve this ? Why did you keep me in the dark all this time?'

The man calmly replied, 'I will explain the toys, you explain me about the kids.'

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The Bear hunter

There was a guy and he was out in the woods hunting. He was walking through the bush and he spotted a bear, so he aimed at the bear - shot - walked over saw no blood no fur no bear! So then he feels a tap on his shoulder he turns around and it is the bear, "Did you just try to shoot me?"

"Well yeah"

"Well seeing as you tried to kill me I'm gonna have to rape you!"

So the bear does his business and leaves! The guy is really mad so he goes to the city, buys an even bigger gun and goes out looking for the bear. He sees it takes the shot - walks over no blood no fur no bear! Then he feels a tap on the shoulder it is the bear again!

"Did you just try and kill me again?"

"Yeah"

"Well now i have to rape you again!"

So the bear did his thing and left! The guy was really mad, went back to the city and found the biggest gun he could! He went back, found the bear took a shot - walked over no blood no fur no bear. The guy then feels a tap on the shoulder!

"You aren't in this for the hunting are you?"

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I made a lot of stupid mistakes as a kid.

Now that I'm an adult, I'm making far more advanced and complex mistakes.

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I was kidnapped by mad scientist who experimented on me, replacing my limbs with animal ones.

If I ever see him again I'll tear him apart with my bear hands.

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Goodnight Kiss

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling a little horny.

With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her "Darling, would you give me a blowjob?"

Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"

"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

Horny as hell he says, "Oh please, please, I love you so much!"

"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"

"Oh yes you can. Please?"

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's little sister shows up in her pajamas, and in a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blowjob. Otherwise I can do it. Or if need be, Dad says he can come down himself and do it. But for God's sake tell the asshole to take his fucking hand off the intercom!"

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They call it "PMS"...

... because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.

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Two cows were talking in a field..

One said to the other, "Have you heard about that mad cow disease?" The other says, "Yeah, good thing we're penguins".

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A happy family.

Son: Dad, I like this awesome girl and want to date her.

Dad: Who is she?

Son: Our next door neighbor's daughter, Sandra.

Dad: Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that son. I have to tell you something but promise me that you will not tell your mom. Sandra is actually your sister.


The boy is obviously bummed out. He finds another girl, but dad tells him that is his sister too. This happens a few more time and he gets frustrated. So he decides to tell his mom.


Son: Mom, I am so mad at dad. I fell in love with 4 girls but can't date any of them because dad is their father.

His mom hugs him affectionately and says,

Mom: Son, you can date anybody you want. Don't listen to him. He is not your father.

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I made a song about a tortilla

Actually it's more of a wrap.

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My wife asked me which of her friends I want to have a threesome with

Now she's mad at my answer.

I guess I was suppose to only say one name, not two,

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My wife is mad at me.

Get this, her diary says I have boundary issues.

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I Made a Poem.....

I dig
You dig
We dig
He dig
She dig
They dig

It's not a very beautiful poem, but it's quite deep!

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I made a website for Kids' jokes.

But for some reason people seem hesitant to go to kidslaughter.com

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I made a robot who changes people into the opposite sex.

I guess he's a trans former

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Why was the tumblrina mad at the gamer?

He was pushing the right trigger.

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Mixed Emotions

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of mixed emotions.

The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that's a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and mad at the same time."

She said: "O.K., out of all your friends, you have the biggest penis."

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How many "friend zone" guys does it take to put in a light bulb?

It doesn't matter how many. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.

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Whistle Puns

One day, I went to the store, and I bought a wooden whistle, but it wooden whistle.

So I went to the store again, and I bought a steel whistle, but it steel wooden whistle.

After a lot of frustration, I went to the store again and I bought a lead whistle.
I was really mad at this point. It steel wooden lead me whistle!

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After being made bishop, a man is asked what his next move will be.

Diagonal.

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2 guys on the road. One was digging a hole , the other one waited a minute and filled the hole back

Then they moved on and after about 10 feet they did the same - digging up , waiting a minute , and filling it back up.

They went on doing this the whole morning, covering almost 3 miles of land. One guy who was watching them eagerly just couldn't resist any more, and asked - are you guys mad or what ? What the hell are you doing ?

The guys replied. We are from the government Forest department. We are a three guy team. My job is to dig up a hole , the other guy plants a tree and this guy fills the hole back. The middle guy called out sick today.

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I made this joke!

One day the king feels the urge to examine his castle dungeons and ensure everything is running smoothly. His examination is going well when he runs across the guy operating the rack. After a bit of conversation the king asks how the rack operator's job is going to which he replies "well, it's just one long 'knight' after another."

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In his quest to gain more power, the mad scientist extended his hours at the lab.

This is after he discovered that power is work overtime.

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Political correctness gone mad.

I can't even refer to my own child as my disabled son.

Apparently it's my "daughter."

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Today my kids cried like mad when I put ginger in the curry.

They fucking loved that cat.

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I made a chicken salad today..

The ungrateful bastard didn't even eat it

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Why is menopause called menopause?

Because mad cow disease was taken

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Yesterday I farted in a Apple Store and everyone got mad at me

It's not my fault they don't have Windowsο»Ώ

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Annoying husband

Husband says: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
Wife says: I clean the toilet...
Husband says: How does that help?
Wife says: I use your Toothbrush.....

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A pint

Paddy and Murphy fancy a pint but only have a euro between them.

Paddy goes off and buys a sausage, Murphy says "Are you mad? Now we'r skint!"

"Come on" says Paddy, "follow me". They go into the pub, order 2 pints and drink them before paying. Paddy shoves the sausage through the zipper of his jeans, and tells Murphy to get down on his knees and suck it. The barman goes berserk and throws them out.

10 pubs and 10 pints later, Murphy says "I can't do this any more my knees are sore and I'm pissed."

"How do you think I feel", says Paddy, "I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in."

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Political Correctness has gone mad...

You can't even say "Black paint" anymore, you have to say "Jamal would you please kindly help me paint my fence."

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Two cows are grazing in a field...

One turns to the other and asks "Have you heard all this talk of mad cow disease?"

The other replies "Why should I care? I'm a helicopter"

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Probably already been said, but it made me chuckle when I thought of it.

A man has been found dead in central London this evening, reports confirm the man died due to being stabbed with a triangular knife.

Police are calling it an isoscelated incident.

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Just made a chicken salad...

Not even sure if chicken's like salad, but I guess we're about to find out

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I made a website for orphans

It doesn't have a home page

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Made that horse laugh

A man walks into a bar. He notices a large jar of money sitting on the bar. The man tells the bartender, "Wow! That's a lot of money. Is it all tips?" The bartender replies, "No, it's prize money. Out back, I've got this horse. And if you can make him laugh, the money is yours." The man walked to the back. A minute later the man returned and loud, continuous laughter could be heard from the back. The man grabbed the jar and exited the bar.

Two weeks later, the man returned to the same bar. Again there was a jar of money on the bar. The man told the bartender, "Wow! Are those all tips?" The bartender replied, "No way. It's prize money. See that horse of mine has not stopped laughing since you left last time. If you can get him to shut up, the money is yours. The man walked to the back and a minute later returned. There was silence. The man grabbed the money and began to walk out. The bartender stopped him and said, "Woah buddy, you gotta tell me...how did you do that?" The man replied, "It was simple. the first time, I told the horse my dick was bigger than his. The second time...I showed him."

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I took my wife to the beach today and now she's mad at me. I thought she wanted to watch me drop frozen waffles along the shore and trick a bunch of communists into eating them.

After all, I could've sworn she said her dream was to see the sandy Eggo commie con.

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I made a Tech Joke

Q: What did one device say to the other?


A: Are you syncing what I"m syncing?

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I said to my friend, My girlfriend keeps asking me if I'm an Alice in Wonderland character, and it's getting really annoying!

He said, Are you mad at her?

I said, Geez! Don't you start too!

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The teacher walks into the class…

As she walks in is written on the board Johnny has a huge penis , she erase the board, and proceed class.

In the next day as she walk in, is written again in the board, Johnny has a huge penis , she them looks at the class and asks who wrote that, but no one answers. She then erase and start class.

Next day same thing, Johnny has a huge penis written on the board, she them goes mad, looks at Johnny and yells I will speak with you after class young man!

In the next day as she enter the class, written even bigger in the board is Marketing is the key of success!

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I made a belt out of watches.

It was a waist of time.

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A man walks in on his wife having cybersex

Husband: What the hell are you doing?!

Wife: I'm sorry but I needed the money and I get paid $250/hour doing this!

Husband: How could you do this to me?! Why didn't you tell me?!

Wife: I'm sorry, I was afraid that you'd be mad, mad like you are now!

Husband: Of course I'm mad! You just left me to slave away at my job when all this time I could've been making $250/hour.

*The wife fainted*

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I made a website for orphans

It doesn't have a homepage

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A husband and wife sit down to dinner

He says "honey, tell me something that's going to make me really happy AND really mad at the same time"
She looks at him and says "your dicks bigger than your brothers"

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I introduced my girlfriend to my family the other day.

My wife was so mad.

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I saw this sign that mad me shit my pants.

It said 'bathroom closed'

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What's the difference between a mad engineer and a mad scientist?

The mad engineer builds an efficient, well-desined death ray and destroys the world in one blow.

The mad scientist builds his death ray and divides the world into three randomised groups: an experimental group to be killed, a control group to be spared and a group that is told they are dead to account for the placebo effect.

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A sad man at the bar

A man sat at a bar looking really depressed. Why the long face? asked the bartender
Well, my wife got mad at me and wouldn't speak to me for a month.
What! That's a blessing in disguise! You'll get peace and quiet for a whole month, said the bartender.
The problem is, replied the man, today's the last day.

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Why was the beaver mad

because no one came to his damn party.

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Drive safe

I saw a driver texting and driving.

It made me so mad I threw my beer at him.

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My girlfriend is a porn star.

She'll be mad when she finds out.

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This woman got mad I was reading the back of her pants

It's not my fault I have to read things in braille

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Once upon a time the parts of the body had an argument about which body part should be boss.

The brain argued that since it was the smartest it should be boss.

The eyes said that without them the body would be helpless so they should be boss.

The stomach said that it was what digested the food and kept the body alive so it should be boss.

Then the asshole applied for the job.

The other parts of the body laughed so hard at this that the asshole got mad and went on strike.

After a few days of this the eyes were crossed, the stomach was bloated and the brain couldn't think straight.

So it was decided, since they could not get any work done without it, the asshole would be declared boss.

So you see, you don't have to be a brain to be boss.

Just an asshole.

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I made the Earth move for the last girl I had sex with.

And then I moved it back to the hole I had buried her in.

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My girlfriend just got mad and accused me of stalking her.

Well, she's not actually my girlfriend yet.

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I made a graph of my past girlfriends.

It has an ex axis and a why axis.

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Two nuns are driving through Transylvania.

Suddenly, Dracula jumps onto their windshield and they can't see anything. He starts hissing and scratching at the glass. The nun in the passenger seat says to the one driving "flick on your wipers and knock him off!" So the first nun does, but Dracula just slides back and forth with the blades, hissing like mad. The second nun says "say ten hail Mary's and he'll go away!" So the first nun frantically does so, but it doesn't work. Angrily, the second nun says "show him your cross!"
And the first nun rolls down the window and yells "get the fuck off of my car!"

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Mad cow disease

Two cows were talking over the fence bordering their farms.

The first cow said "Have you heard about this mad cow disease, it's spreading really fast."

The second cow responded "What do I care? I'm a helicopter."

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They made a book about my dad

It's called The Invisible Man

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I made one little mistake 8 years ago and my wife still won't let it go.

She always forces me to go back to the park and pick him up.

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I made a tuna salad this morning.

Stupid thing didn't even eat it.

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I think I just made the best dad joke ever.

My son Robbie asked how he should get Poe into his X-wing toy. I said Wedge him. I had no one else to tell.

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My wife & I got into a big fight bc she says I'm always exaggerating.

I was so mad I stormed off & tripped over my dick.

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[One liner] How do you make an archaeolgist mad?

Give him a bloody tampon and ask him what period its from.

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What are the best Mad puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Mad? Well, here are the best jokes about Mad to have fun with.

Joko Jokes