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Mad Jokes

182 mad jokes and hilarious mad puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about mad that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Laugh at these crazy, nutty jokes about getting mad. From your mad girlfriend to a madman with an ax, you'll find something that is sure to make you giggle.

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Funniest Mad Short Jokes

Short mad jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The mad humour may include short nutty jokes also.

  1. Word is Hollywood executives are mad about Elliot Page transitioning from a woman to a man... Now they'll have to pay him 20% more...
  2. My wife found out i was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding... She got so mad and said she's never gonna play scrabble with me ever again
  3. The creator of Mad Libs died this week. His friends described him as a warm and pulpy man who loved his wife and pelicans. He will be deeply pooped.
  4. Prisoner: I'm sorry I tried to escape. Guard: I'm not mad, just........disappointed.
    Remember, kids, never let your guard down.
  5. My roommates get mad when I steal their kitchen utensils. But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.
  6. I got into an argument with my daughter and she shouted, "1, 3, 5, 7, 9!" I asked her, "What's that supposed to mean?"
    She said, "I'm so mad, I can't even!"
  7. How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb? How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?
    None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
  8. Dear Humans, You get mad at me when I work....You get mad at me when I don't work.
    Sincerely,
    Confused alarm clock.
  9. I introduced my girlfriend to my family today. My kids really liked her but my wife seemed mad.
  10. Eight year old tells funniest joke My eight year old cousin told me this one:
    Why was beethoven mad at his chicken?
    Because he kept saying Bach Bach Bach

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Mad One Liners

Which mad one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with mad? I can suggest the ones about madman and crazy mad.

  1. I hate when my girlfriend gets mad at me for being lazy It's not like I did anything
  2. When i was born I was so mad at my parents I didn't talk to them for two years
  3. My girlfriend is mad at me According to her diary, I have "boundary issues".
  4. Why did Republicans get mad when Sting got a facelift? Because they hate Police reform.
  5. What has 9 letters and makes everyone mad? Clickbait
  6. Why do girls always get mad when I try to read their shirts? It's not my fault I'm blind.
  7. Don't get mad at people who call you fat You're bigger than that
  8. My wife is mad at me. Get this, her diary says I have boundary issues.
  9. Don't be mad at lazy people. They didn't do anything.
  10. Why was the tumblrina mad at the gamer? He was pushing the right trigger.
  11. Why is menopause called menopause? Because mad cow disease was taken
  12. I introduced my girlfriend to my family the other day. My wife was so mad.
  13. Drive safe I saw a driver texting and driving.
    It made me so mad I threw my beer at him.
  14. Math Puns The first sine of madness.
  15. Why was the computer mad when he got home? It had a hard drive

Mad Cow Jokes

Here is a list of funny mad cow jokes and even better mad cow puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, Have you heard about the mad cow disease that's going around? Yeah, the other cow says. Makes me glad I'm a penguin.
  • Two cows on a hill. One cow ask the other, have you herd of the mad cow disease? The other cow says, yeah, but why do I care? I'm a helicopter!
  • Two cows are standing in a field. One cow says, Man that mad cow disease sure is scary isn't it?
    The other responds, Yea it is, thank god I'm a helicopter.
  • Two cows were talking in a field.. One said to the other, "Have you heard about that mad cow disease?" The other says, "Yeah, good thing we're penguins".
  • 2 Cows in a feild.. one says "what do you think of that mad cow disease?" The other replies "I dunno, it doesn't effect me, I'm a duck"
  • Two cows are grazing in a field... One turns to the other and asks "Have you heard all this talk of mad cow disease?"
    The other replies "Why should I care? I'm a helicopter"
  • Two cows Two cows were chatting in a field. One says to the other, Have you heard about the mad cow disease that's going around?
    Yeah, the other cow says. Makes me happy I'm a penguin.
  • Two cows are standing on a hill.... One turns to the other and says "Hey, aren't you worried about mad cow disease?"
    The other replies, "Why should I care? I'm a helicopter!"
  • Why is Pre-Menstrual Syndrome called Pre-Menstrual Syndrome? Mad Cow Disease was already taken
  • Two cows are standing in a barn. Cow 1: Hey, did you hear about the big outbreak of mad cow disease?
    Cow 2: Good thing I'm a helicopter.

Mad Cow Disease Jokes

Here is a list of funny mad cow disease jokes and even better mad cow disease puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A pair of cows... ... were talking in the field. One says, Have you heard about the mad cow disease that's going around?
    Yeah, the other cow says. Makes me glad I'm a penguin.
  • Two cows are standing in a field ...and one says to the other, "Say, are you worried about this mad cow disease going around?" And the other one says, "Why should I care? I'm a helicopter! PFFFFFT!"
  • 2 cows were standing in a field One cow asks the other "Arent you afraid of getting Mad Cow Disease?"
    And the other cow replies "Why should I? Im a helicopter"
  • Two cows Two cows were talking in a field.
    "Aren't you worried about this Mad Cow Disease that's going round?"
    "No", said the other. "I'm a goat".
  • Two cows in a field. One asks should I be worried about mad cow's disease ? Well I'm not , the other replies, ...because I'm a squirrel!
  • Two cows were grazing in the field, when one of them says to the other, "How about that mad cow disease, huh?" The second one says, "Why should I care? I'm a helicopter"
  • 2 cows 2 cows are grazing in a field. 1 cow says to the other, "You ever worry about that mad cow disease?". The other cow says, "Why would I care? I'm a helicopter!".
  • Two cows are standing around talking... "Hey, have you been following the news? All this mad cow disease going around is scary!"
    "Yeah! Thank god we're elephants."
  • Two cows are standing in a field… One cow says to the other What do you think about the mad cow disease?
    The other cow responds why should I care? I'm a helicopter
  • Mad Cow Disease So two cows are talking in a field, The first cow says "hey man, you worried about this mad cow disease that is going around?" The second cow says "Naw bro, I'm a helicopter."

Mad Scientist Jokes

Here is a list of funny mad scientist jokes and even better mad scientist puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I was kidnapped by mad scientist who experimented on me, replacing my limbs with animal ones. If I ever see him again I'll tear him apart with my bear hands.
  • In his quest to gain more power, the mad scientist extended his hours at the lab. This is after he discovered that power is work overtime.
  • People say Elon Musk is a mad scientist. Do you think he relates to Dr. Jekyll? Because I've always heard he benefited from having a part Hyde.
  • Why did the mad scientist deliberately create a huge fire tornado? Some people just want to watch the whirled burn.
  • Just watched a movie where a mad scientist rigs a DeLorean to time travel and he paints everything purple, it's called... "Back to the Fuschia"
  • Scientist recently linked a disease to women acting like a Karen. It's mad cow disease.
  • So, the mad scientist duo finally succeeded And the universe was destroyed by a pair o' docs
  • What was Tesla after Edison stole his ideas? A Mad Scientist
  • Why wouldn't a mad scientist destroy the world? A mad scientist would never destroy the world.
    ...Half the world maybe. That would be enough to have a control group.
  • how do you tell the difference between a psychiatrist and an evil mad scientist? you can't! you're clinically insane!

Crazy Mad Jokes

Here is a list of funny crazy mad jokes and even better crazy mad puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What's it like milking a crazy cow? Udder madness.
  • The song Jungle Love is stuck in my head. It's driving me mad.
    It's making me crazy.
  • This COVID 19 pandemic isn't just mad... It's batshit crazy.
  • My friend told me he lost 87 pounds and he's really mad about it. British people be crazy
  • How can you tell if you going crazy? Because puns about mathematics are usually the first sine of madness
  • My wife always gets mad and tells me I'm gaslighting her. I just tell her that she's being crazy.
  • I saw duck on the lake today It was going crazy, flapping madly and just generally agitated.
    It was quacking up.
  • What is the difference between a crazy bunny and a counterfeit banknote?
    One is bad money and the other is a mad bunny.
  • How do you call it when a crazy rabbit forges $100 bills? Mad bunny making bad money
  • What is a nomad? Someone who is not crazy. Nomad= No+mad.

Your Mad Jokes

Here is a list of funny your mad jokes and even better your mad puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Tesla founder Elon Musk is originally from South Africa, which is strange You'd think he was from mad-at-gas-car.
  • My mate just watched the Chernobyl documentary and, having grown up in Ukraine in the 1980s, he was pretty mad. And I get it, too. He counted at least eight historical inaccuracies on one hand.
  • My wife found out I was cheating My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding…
    She got mad and said she is never playing Scrabble with me ever again!!
  • I debated a flat earther once. He got so mad he stormed off saying he would walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong. He'll come around eventually.
  • "Dad, my girlfriend is pregnant "Dad, my girlfriend is pregnant"
    Son, I'm not mad.. Just disappointed
    "Hi disappointed, I'm dad"
    Son, did you just-
    "Yes"
    You're ready.
  • I wouldn't be mad. And the Lord said unto John "Come forth and receive eternal life". But John came fifth and won a toaster.
  • My girlfriend always gets mad when I mess with her red wine… So I added some Sprite and oranges to it and now she's sangria then ever…
  • Hillary's mad at Satan Hillary: Satan! We had a deal! Where's the election victory that you promised me?
    Satan: Where's the soul that you said you had?
  • My wife is actually mad at me for being so excited to see her mother tonight.... The viewing is at 7pm.
  • My girlfriend was mad because I didn't open the car door for her. I just swam to the surface.

Hilarious Mad Jokes that Bring Laughter with Friends

What funny jokes about mad you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean insane jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make mad pranks.

Everyone in Hawaii is mad about the malfunction of the early warning system. Those fools.

Hawaii **IS** the early warning system.

My girlfriend is mad because I could only last 2 minutes in bed

In my defense it was d**... so it's more like 14 minutes.

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.

As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." 
He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

My best friend got mad at me because he caught me sniffing his sister's p**...

It didn't help that she was still wearing them.
Or that his whole family was there.
That made the rest of his sister's f**... kind of awkward.
And who thought you could make the f**... for such a small child more awkward than it already was..

Tea is an evil substance. It is much more dangerous than beer.

I discovered this last night. I drank 15 beers up until 3 am in the pub while my wife was just at home drinking tea.
You should have seen how mad and violent she was when I got home. She threw the chair at me and kept screaming at the top of her lungs. On the other hand, I was quiet and peaceful and silently made my way to bed. But she kept cursing and shouting through the night and well into the next morning.
Please friends, if you can't handle your tea, you should not be drinking it. Please avoid drinking tea.

A genie grants three wishes to an old lady.

She says, "I want to be young again."
\*p**...\*
She's young again.
"I want my little house to be turned into a beautiful mansion."
\*p**...\*
She's now living in a beautiful mansion.
"I want my cat to be turned into a handsome young man!"
\*p**...\*
Her cat is now a handsome young man.
"Oh cat, all my fantasies have come true! Take me in your arms, take me upstairs and make mad, passionate love to me!"
The cat says, "Oh darlin', you should've thought about that a long time ago, before you had me fixed."

Amy Schumer gets mad when people describe her as fat, s**..., and disgusting..

because she doesn't like when people steal her material.

My teenage daughter came home from school and she was blazing mad. We had s**... education today dad and you lied to me! You told me if I have s**... before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die! I put down my newspaper, looked at her and said…

Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.

A friend got mad at me for smelling his sister's underwear.

I don't know if it was because she was still wearing them or because the rest of the family was there. Either way it made the rest of the f**... very awkward.

Call me a nutter, a conspiracy theorist or as mad as a hatter, but did you know that if you take the first two letters from the title of every Harry Potter book, it spells out a secret message?!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Dad my girlfriends pregnant

"Dad, my girlfriend's pregnant."
"I'm not mad, just disappointed."
"Hi disappointed, I'm dad."
"Did you jus..."
"Yes."
"You're ready."
"I'm not ready, I just told you that I'm dad."

I was in bed with this r**... girl when her father, her brother and her boyfriend busted in the room...

....and boy was he mad.

My wife came back from golfing with the ladies, looking miserable

I asked her what was wrong. She said, I got stung by a mad hornet between the first and second holes!
I told her, your stance is too wide.

BOSS: What's going on here?

BOSS: What's going on here?
JAMES: Dave's mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
JAMES: ugh ok FINE. And I, "on purpose", slept with his wife

Everybody gets mad when I say Jesus was white, but I have proof.

If my understanding of transubstantiation is correct, Jesus is a c**....

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.

As the husband was walking to the door, the wife yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."
Husband turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

My girlfriend is mad because I keep getting free drinks around town by saying I'm engaged

She said "Why is it that every time you say your engaged people congratulate you and buy you a drink, but when I say it they charge me double?"
I told her that when she says it they expect to see a ring but when I say it they expect to see an empty wallet

A captain notices a light in the distance, on a collision course with his ship.

He turns on his signal lamp and sends, Change your course, 10 degrees west.
The light signals back, Change yours, 10 degrees east.
The captain gets a little annoyed. He signals, I'm a US Navy captain. You must change your course, sir.
The light signals back, I'm a s**... First Class. You must change your course, sir.
Now the captain is mad. He signals, I'm an aircraft carrier. I'm not changing my course.
The light signals back a final message: I'm a lighthouse. Your call.

My Girlfriend has been repeatedly asking me Are you a character from Alice in Wonderland? and it's getting really annoying

My Friend asked me Are you mad at her?

I relied with Don't you start too

A guy walks into a bar, slumps into a chair, and orders a beer. The bartender says, "What's wrong, pal? You look down."

The guy sighs and says, "I am down. My wife is mad at me, and said she wouldn't talk to me for a whole month."
The bartender says, "Gee, that's too bad. When does that start?"
"Start? Today's the last day."

Professor: April, you are failing my class.

April: Oh, Professor. My parents will be so mad. I'm sure we can fix this. I'll do annnything to pass.
Professor: {gulp} anything?
April: YES! Anything you can dream up.
Professor: Will you…… study?

I had a c**...​ joke, but now I can't find it

It makes me really mad because I had it all lined up

Lenin in Warsaw

A Soviet filmmaker makes a film called Lenin in Warsaw. Everybody shows up for the premiere. The film opens—on Lenin's wife, Krupskaya, n**..., having mad s**... with another man. And then another. And another. And so on. The film continues in the same vein for ninety minutes.
Finally, the lights come up and the director takes questions from the audience.
First question: Very interesting movie, comrade, but—where was Lenin?
The director answers: In Warsaw.

My Jewish girlfriend got mad when I let out a f**... while watching tv.

I said, honey. A little gas never hurt anyone.

My best friend got mad at me sniffing his sister's p**...

It didn't help that they were still on her. Or that all of his family was there too. Needless to say it made the rest of the f**... really awkward.

I saw a homeless man & I asked him if I gave him $20 would you buy booze? He said no he hadn't had a beer in years. Then I said if I give you $20 will you buy hunting gear? He again said no, he stopped hunting 5 years ago.

So then I said I'll do you better than $20. I'll take you home let you all cleaned up. My wife will cook a fantastic meal for you. Then I'll bring you back & still give you $20.
He asked me won't she get mad? I said it didn't matter.
I just wanted her to see what happens to a man when he stops drinking & hunting!

I don't know why my friend was mad when I threw his frisbee...

He even said it was a new record.

I went mad when I found out my mum used to have s**... with animals before I was born...

I killed her with my bear hands.

When I was 16 my bestfriend got super mad at me once and wouldnt talk to me for nearly 4 months for smelling his sisters underwear.

Idk if it was because she was still wearing them or that there was a lot of people around us, but either way, it made the rest of the f**... super awkward

Totally sick of idiots letting fireworks off early, it's still October for goodness sake!!!

Dog is going mad and keeps knocking the Christmas tree over!

I Hear that Russia is so mad about the US airstrike in syria

That they are seriously considering voting democratic in the next election.

The girl next door to mine is a pornstar

But she is going to be really mad if she finds out

My sister asked me to bring her something hard to write on.

Still don't know why she got so mad. It's pretty hard to write on sand.

Why do they call it p**...?

Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

Gender roles are changing. Nowadays some women get mad when you hold a car door open.

Particularly the ones on bikes.

You better start brushing your teeth, son!

o**...-B very mad!

My wife keeps getting mad at me for eating leftovers straight from the fridge.

I told her that it's really hard to quit cold turkey.

Will you get mad?

Wife: *Honey, do I look fat in this dress?*
Husband: *Will you get mad if I tell you the truth?*
Wife: *No, silly. Of course not*
Husband: *I slept with your sister*

My wife agreed to a s**... tape

but she got mad at me when I held auditions for her part.

Hired a bouncer recently, but he showed up 5 minutes late, and during the event he wouldn't stop asking me if "I was mad at him"

Turns out I hired an "Insecurity Guard".

Do these jeans make me look fat?

wife : Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me totally scared: Would you get mad if i tell you the truth?
Wife : No, i won't! Tell me.
Me : I slept with your sister

After several dates, my girlfriend wanted me to meet her parents, so they invited me over for dinner. It did not go well...

During the meal, somebody started playing footsies with me under the table, then gradually moved up and kept rubbing until I came. Later, I told my girlfriend how much I had enjoyed the s**... play during dinner. She got so mad and said that it wasn't her. I guess I got off on the wrong foot.

My wife asked me which of her friends I want to have a t**... with

Now she's mad at my answer.
I guess I was suppose to only say one name, not two,

Last night my son came out as transgender, ftm.

He asked if I was mad and I said absolutely not but I am a little worried. He looked confused and asked why. I said, well, I'm worried everyone will see right through me bc I am now *transparent*

Whistle Puns

One day, I went to the store, and I bought a wooden whistle, but it wooden whistle.
So I went to the store again, and I bought a steel whistle, but it steel wooden whistle.
After a lot of frustration, I went to the store again and I bought a lead whistle.
I was really mad at this point. It steel wooden lead me whistle!

Annoying husband

Husband says: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
Wife says: I clean the toilet...
Husband says: How does that help?
Wife says: I use your Toothbrush.....

Political correctness gone mad.

I can't even refer to my own child as my disabled son.
Apparently it's my "daughter."

Yesterday I f**... in a Apple Store and everyone got mad at me

It's not my fault they don't have Windows

jokes about mad