Machine Jokes

A man is on is death sentence and he gets to choose his last meal

He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine.

A 40 year old man asked the Trainer in the Gym, 'I want to Impress Beautiful Girls, which Machine should I use?'

The Trainer replied, 'Outside the Gym, there is an ATM. Try that'

I often say to myself, "I can't believe that cloning machine worked."

Just one.

How many scientists does it take to build a time machine?

I am broken when my name is spoken. What am I?

McDonald's ice cream machine

[NSFW] What's the difference between an 18yo and a washing machine?

You can dump your load in a washing machine and it won't follow you round for two weeks telling you it loves you

At the gym

I walked into the gym and see a bunch of ladies working out, I ask the guy who is running the gym, Sir, what machine should I use to impress the ladies? He smiles says Try the ATM in the lobby .

I've tried calling Stephen Hawking many times

I keep getting his answering machine

My dad told me this is why different branches of the military have so much trouble communicating.

They all have different vocabulary. For instance; "Secure that building."

Tell a marine that and he'll go kill everyone inside.

Tell a soldier and he'll put up razor wire, sandbags, and machine gun nests.

Tell a sailor and he'll go in and close and lock all the windows and doors.

Tell an airman and he will take out a lease with an option to buy.

I was originally ok with my wife getting a white noise machine in our bedroom

turns out falling asleep to country music is harder than I thought

Time Machine

I bought a second hand time machine next Tuesday. They don't make them like they're going to anymore.

A man and a woman argue over the custody of their child...

The woman screams, "The child is mine! I birthed him from my own flesh and blood and carried him through labour! All you did was screw me, you don't deserve him!"

The man calmly replies, "Tell me, if I put ten cents in a vending machine and a drink pops out, does it belong to me or the vending machine?"

Today is my first day at the gym.

I walk in and see a bunch of hot women working out. I walk up to the guy who is running the gym and ask him, " Sir, what machine should I use to impress the ladies over there?" He smiles at me and says, " Try the ATM Machine in the lobby."

Chuck Norris once took a lie detector test

The machine confessed everything

I asked my trainer "Which machine at the gym should I use to impress beautiful women?"

He pointed outside and said "The ATM machine"

I remember when I was a little boy, an old man suddenly stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason.

So I've spent all my life working on a time machine, and now that I've built it, I'm going back in time to when he was a little boy, and I'm going to punch him and see how he likes it!

Once I had a machine that made counterfeit pennies.

I regret it now, but it made a lot of cents at the time.

Crazy man has sex with machine at laundromat and evades police

Nut screws washer and bolts

BLONDE LUCK

A blonde was at a gumball machine. She kept putting quarters in and getting gumballs out. The man behind her asked if he could get a gumball. She said, "Shut up! I'm winning."

Husband and wife decide to make a password...

...for sex,
they decide on 'washing machine'.
Later in bed that night husband says,
Washing machine.
Wife replies, Not tonight darling I have a sore head.
Half an hour passes and she feels guilty so she says,
Washing machine.
Husband replies,
Too late it was only a small load so I decided to do it by hand.

Mom, how did I come to this world?

A kid asked his mother:

\- Mom, how did I come to this world?

\- Me and your father planted a seed together - began telling the story the mother.

\- From that seed - she continued - we grew marijuana plant, then smoked some weed and had sex on the washing machine...

An old man goes to the gym...

An old man goes to the gym and asks a trainer, "I want to impress young beautiful girls. What's the best machine I can use?"
The trainer responds, "The ATM"

A really sad man committed suicide by crushing himself with a vending machine

He was soda pressed.

Did you hear about the man who fell into the lens making machine?

He made a spectacle of himself.

I wanted to buy a drink from a vending machine, but there was a guy in front of me.

I tried to wait my turn patiently, but he just kept buying soda. I stood there for a while just watching him put in some money and take his drink, over and over until he had a whole bag of soda cans. He showed no signs of stopping, so I asked him, "Why do you keep doing that? Are you ever going to give anyone else a turn?"

He smirked and replied, "You're just jealous because I've won every time!"

There's a new machine at my gym. Used it for an hour and felt sick.

It's really good though, does everything! Kit Kats, Snickers, Milky Ways. The lot.

When I was at the gym, I asked the trainer, which is the best machine to hit to attract a woman?

He pointed outside and said The ATM

I've invented a machine that prints money.

I programmed it to make coins, but for some reason it keeps printing dollar bills....


It makes no cents.

There's a new machine at my gym.

I used it, but after an hour I started feeling sick...

It's got Snickers, cheetos, Peanuts... Everything!

You ever go to pay cash, but the cashier has already handed you the card machine?

I'm like... "Did you just assume my tender?"

The cops in my town are looking for a crazy man. He was last seen having sex with a laundry machine.

Nut screws washer and bolts.

I asked a fitness trainer at my local gym what would be the best machine to use in order to impress girls

Apparently it's the ATM machine at my local bank.

I was waiting in line at the ATM

when I noticed the old woman in front of me having a bit of trouble using the machine. I walked up to her and asked if she needed any help. She turned to me and asked if I could check her balance. So I pushed her over.

I got a white noise machine to help me sleep...

but it just keeps saying things like "I have many friends of different colors" and "I just wish America was like how it used to be."

Kevin fills a beaker of water and places it on the machine...

"One liter of water." it read.
Kevin gasped and sat back in his chair
"This speaks volumes..."

Two bricks of salt visit a meat factory...

And while they are looking down at one of the bone grinders, one of the salt brick accidentally falls down into the machine. The other salt brick watches in panic as his friend gets sucked into the blades and gears. After a while, the salt brick comes out from the other side of the grinding machine, all ground into pieces and powder.

"Oh my god! Are you okay Jimmy?" The salt brick on the top asks.

"Oh yeah I'm fine."

Best Way To Impress a Girl..

Boy To Gym Coach: "I Wanna Impress Cute Girl, I'm Gonna Meet In 3 Days Which Machine Should I Use?" Coach: "Use The ATM Machine Outside The Gym"

What's the difference between a woman and a laundry machine?

When I dump a load in the washing machine it doesn't follow me around after

New machine at the gym

There is a new machine at the gym. It's truly awesome! I almost puked after an hour, it really has it all.

Cookies, chocolate bars, chips, sodas.

A friend asked me if I wanted to come to his house last week

I told him I'll be there as soon as I boot up my time machine

A man asks a trainer in the gym

I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use? Trainer answers, use the ATM

My favorite machine at the gym?

The vending machine.

What's the best machine to impress women at the gym?

The ATM

So a man and woman are getting a divorce and are in court fighting for custody of their child.

So a man and woman are getting a divorce and are in court fighting for custody of their child. The judge ask the woman why should you get the the kid and she is saying how she was in labor and held the child in her womb.. The judge says good argument now Mr. Jones your argument.. He sits there and thinks for a moment and says if you put a dollar in a coke machine is the coke yours or the machines?

I finally realized I could no longer keep my broken money making machine.

It just didn't make cents.

My sister came home today and said "they have this great new machine at the gym.."

"it's got Malteasers, Twix, sodas, you name it!!"

Guy walks into a gym

He asks the manager which machine he could use that would attract the most women.

The manager points to the ATM.

Today my coworker fell into the reupholstering machine at work

don't worry, he's fully recovered

A boy was bagging groceries at a supermarket.

One day the store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice.

Intrigued, the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine, but his request was denied.

Said the store manager, "Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers."

There was a new machine at the gym...

After using it for 30 minutes, I felt sick. Maybe I bought too many chocolate bars...

So I got caught copying my friends test in class...

I think the teacher heard my Xerox machine.