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Machine Jokes

182 machine jokes and hilarious machine puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about machine that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

This article is about Machine Jokes. From machine shop puns to robot jokes and everything in between, this article has a range of humorous one-liners to make you laugh. Learn why quiero and gumball machines make a great combo, and discover the funniest machine learning engineer anecdotes. Get ready to laugh at the most outrageous machine learning generated jokes!

Funniest Machine Short Jokes

Short machine jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The machine humour may include short engine jokes also.

  1. My girlfriend was devastated when she found out the reason why my nickname is The Love Machine . It's because I'm terrible at tennis.
  2. A man is on is death sentence and he gets to choose his last meal He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine.
  3. A 40 year old man asked the Trainer in the Gym, 'I want to Impress Beautiful Girls, which Machine should I use?' The Trainer replied, 'Outside the Gym, there is an ATM. Try that'
  4. I asked the gym trainer what type of machine i should use to get the best looking women He said the atm outside
  5. My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me 'The Love Machine' because I'm terrible at tennis.
  6. An Apple store got robbed last night and $250,000 worth of equipment was stolen. Police are confident they can recover both the stolen machines.
  7. I was originally ok with my wife getting a white noise machine in our bedroom turns out falling asleep to country music is harder than I thought
  8. A muslim man came into my shop and bought six smoke machines, so I phoned the police.. He's probably part of an extreme mist group
  9. Time Machine I bought a second hand time machine next Tuesday. They don't make them like they're going to anymore.
  10. I like my women like I like the mcdonald's ice cream machine… Sweet, cold and a little broken inside.

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Machine One Liners

Which machine one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with machine? I can suggest the ones about device and manual.

  1. I often say to myself, "I can't believe that cloning machine worked."
  2. Just one. How many scientists does it take to build a time machine?
  3. I am broken when my name is spoken. What am I? McDonald's ice cream machine
  4. I've tried calling Stephen hawking many times I keep getting his answering machine
  5. Dogs can't operate an Mri machines... But catscan
  6. Chuck Norris once took a lie detector test The machine confessed everything
  7. I really want to tell a joke about cash machines But I don't have one atm
  8. "I don't even know what the cloning machine does" Well, that makes two of us
  9. I wish our Congress was made up of vending machines So they would accept change
  10. My dad fell into an upholstery machine last week. He's fully recovered now.
  11. What's the best machine to impress women at the gym? The ATM
  12. My favorite machine at the gym? The vending machine.
  13. The best thing about time machines ... ... is that you can buy it used and sell it new.
  14. I've got a friend who writes songs about sewing machines. He's a singer songwriter.
  15. Apparently Tucker Carlson is starting a new band Rage sponsored by the machine

Washing Machine Jokes

Here is a list of funny washing machine jokes and even better washing machine puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What's the difference between a woman and a laundry machine? When I dump a load in the washing machine it doesn't follow me around after
  • I dropped my wife's epilepsy medicine in the washing machine instead of fabric softener. Now her clothes don't fit.
  • I accidentally dropped my girlfriends epilepsy medication in the washing machine... ...now her clothes don't fit anymore
  • What's the difference between a baby and a washing machine? The washing machine doesn't cry when you drop a load in it.
  • Whats the difference between your mom and a washing machine? When I drop a load in the washing machine it doesn't follow me around for a week.
  • What is the difference between women and washing machines? Washing machines don't follow you around for weeks after you drop a load in them.
  • Husband: "I have good news and bad news" Wife: "Tell me the bad news first."
    Husband: "The washing machine broke."
    Wife: "And the good news?"
    Husband: "The dogs are clean."
  • What's the difference between a blonde and a washing machine? You can throw your load in a washing machine and it won't follow you around for two weeks afterward
  • A new survey shows that a fifth of British men have no idea how to turn on the washing machine. I find chocolates or flowers usually do the trick.
  • What's the difference between your washing machine and your wife You don't have to say I love you every time you put a load in the washing machine

Vending Machine Jokes

Here is a list of funny vending machine jokes and even better vending machine puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Vending machines kill more people than sharks. I've never even seen a shark use a vending machine.
  • Vending machines kill more people every year than sharks Obviously, how's a vending machine going to kill a shark?
  • What do Monica Lewinsky and a vending machine have in common? Both say Please insert Bill.
  • A vending machine fell on me today Luckily it only had soft drinks
  • U.S. vending machines to begin displaying calorie information to encourage smarter snack choices. Machines' reflective glass surface not doing the trick.
  • A latino goes to a vending machine He gets a soda for 75c. He puts in 65c. The machine says "dime", so he whispers quiero una pepsi porfavor
  • Pregnant lady's food stuck in vending machine Her: My food is stuck in the vending machine, can you help? I'm pregnant and I need to eat!
    Me: You sure do!
  • What's black and steals your change? Vending machines.
  • Why did the soda can quit its job at the vending machine? It was soda pressing.
  • I tried to buy something from a perfume vending machine, but it was broken. It just had a sign on it that said "Out of Odor".
Machine joke, I tried to buy something from a perfume vending machine, but it was broken.

Machine Gun Jokes

Here is a list of funny machine gun jokes and even better machine gun puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What do you call a man holding a machine gun? Sir
  • What do you call a machine gun loaded with tranquilizers? A Snuzi
  • What weighs 6 ounces, sits on a tree, and highly dangerous A sparrow with a machine gun
  • What do you call a rapper skeleton Machine gun Skelly
  • What do you get when you cross a vulture with a machine gun? As far away as possible.
    *cough* shameful *cough*
  • I miss Sears:( Eminem and Machine Gun Kelly are feuding, and Colin Kaepernick is the new face of Nike. White people havent been this stressed since Sears closed.
  • What did the priest say after he filled a man full of bullets from his machine gun? "Beholed"
  • What do you call an elephant with a machine gun? Sir!
  • How does a religious extremist convert an atheist into a holy man? They use a machine gun.
  • 2018: Do you remember Machine Gun Kelly? 2019: ?
    RIP

Answering Machine Jokes

Here is a list of funny answering machine jokes and even better answering machine puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A man asks a trainer in the gym I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use? Trainer answers, use the ATM
  • Do you know if Stephen Hawking still has his old phone number? Everytime I call, a machine answers.
  • I tried calling Stephen Hawking the other day But I kept getting his answering machine
  • You've reached the answering machine for the tinnitus association Please leave your message after the beep.
  • Russian Ministry of Communication announces proof that Putin invented the telephone. Played recording of three messages on answering machine left by Alexander Graham Bell.
  • Bob the builder A drunk Bob the Builder calls his ex-wife at 3am & screams into the answering machine CAN WE FIX IT?? CAN WE?? Not this time Bob. Not this time.
  • Please help: I have a question... I have a question for Stephen Hawking but whenever I call him I can only reach his answering machine.
  • I gave my dwarf friend a call but it rang through to his answering machine. "Hey! I'm sorry I can't reach the phone right now, please leave a message!"

Machine Learning Jokes

Here is a list of funny machine learning jokes and even better machine learning puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A machine learning algorithm walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What would you like to drink?"
    The algorithm replies, "What's everyone else having?"
  • I learned recently that people aren't hospitable to water dispensing machines... Just let that sink in.
  • A machine learning algorithm walks into a bar. The waiter asks: "What'll you have?", the algorithm responds: "What everyone else is having."
  • A machine learning algorithm walks into a bar. The bartender says, "What will you have?"
    The algorithm says, "what's everyone else having?"
  • When you use machine learning to analyze the news.... You're training a CNN CNN.
  • I finally learned how coin minting machines work It all makes cents now.
  • What does a Machine Learning specialist and a Fashion Designer have in common? They both specialize in curve-fitting
  • Did you hear about the blonde who tried the Dr. Scholls footmapping machine? She was disappointed to learn she'd gained 300 pounds.
  • How did the Machine Learning professor pick which of his undergrads to have s**... with? He used a Naive Babe Classifier.
    ... Sorry for the nerd joke; I'll show myself out.
Machine joke, How did the Machine Learning professor pick which of his undergrads to have s**... with?

Silly Machine Jokes for a Good Time with Friends

What funny jokes about machine you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean toolbox jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make machine pranks.

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

I was waiting in line at the ATM

when I noticed the old woman in front of me having a bit of trouble using the machine. I walked up to her and asked if she needed any help. She turned to me and asked if I could check her balance. So I pushed her over.

Did you hear about the n**... man who fell into an upholstery machine?

He is fully recovered.

I got in trouble once for copying another kid's test

I guess the teacher heard my Xerox machine

So I got caught copying my friends test in class...

I think the teacher heard my Xerox machine.

The world's leading scientists build a lie-detecting machine...

...so powerful that if you are detected to be lying, it you immediately drop dead.
They bring around three test subjects. The first one, an Irishman, is hooked to the machine. He says, "I think I don't drink" and the next moment, he's dead. Next, it's the Asian's turn. She says, "I think I'm a good driver" and what do you know! She too is killed instantly. Then the blonde walks up and confidently begins,"I think—" and drops dead.

So a man and woman are getting a divorce and are in court fighting for custody of their child.

So a man and woman are getting a divorce and are in court fighting for custody of their child. The judge ask the woman why should you get the the kid and she is saying how she was in labor and held the child in her w**..... The judge says good argument now Mr. Jones your argument.. He sits there and thinks for a moment and says if you put a dollar in a coke machine is the coke yours or the machines?

Hair Fragrance

Every day at the office, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to file a s**... harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "So what's s**... threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."

Bill works in a machine shop. One day he gets into an accident at work...

He leans in too close to a piece of machinery and chops off his arm. Bob rushes over to help. He puts Bill's arm in a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital. An hour later Bill comes out with his arm reattached. "Ah, the miracles of modern medicine," says Bob.
A few weeks later, Bill leans in too close again and chops off his leg. Bob puts Bill's leg in a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital. 2 hours later Bill comes out with his leg reattached. "Ah, the miracles of modern medicine," says Bob.
A few weeks later, Bill once again leans in too close and lops off his head. Bob puts Bill's head in a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital. 3 hours go by and finally a doctor emerges from the surgery room. He walks over to Bob and says, "I'm sorry, but your friend didn't make it." Bob is distraught and says, "But the miracles of modern medicine have samed him before. Why couldn't you reattach his head?" The doctor replies, "We would have been able to, but some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated."

Saw a new machine at the gym, but could only use it for 20mins before it made me sick

It was great... it had M&M's, Skittles, you name it!

I asked my trainer "Which machine at the gym should I use to impress beautiful women?"

He pointed outside and said "The ATM machine"

How many Mexicans does it take to replace a serviceable part of a complex machine?

Just Juan and Emmanuel.

Once I had a machine that made counterfeit pennies.

I regret it now, but it made a lot of cents at the time.

How much of s**... is work?

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of s**... was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?" A Major chimed in with 25-75% in favor of work . A Captain said it was 50-50%. A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure , depending on how drunk he was at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the Private who was in charge of making the coffee. What was your opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why.
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

Guy walks into a gym

He asks the manager which machine he could use that would attract the most women.
The manager points to the ATM.

New machine at the gym

There is a new machine at the gym. It's truly awesome! I almost puked after an hour, it really has it all.
Cookies, chocolate bars, chips, sodas.

For Sale: Starter motor for Perpetual Motion Machine.

Only used once.

A husband and wife...

Were sitting at home when the husband suddenly said, "Honey, just so you know, I never want to be kept alive in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
So the wife got up, pulled the plug on the T.V. and threw out all of his beer.

BLONDE LUCK

A blonde was at a gumball machine. She kept putting quarters in and getting gumballs out. The man behind her asked if he could get a gumball. She said, "Shut up! I'm winning."

Kevin fills a beaker of water and places it on the machine...

"One liter of water." it read.
Kevin gasped and sat back in his chair
"This speaks volumes..."

A couple after a divorce are at court over who could keep the child.

So the mother goes:" i carried that child for 9 long months and gave birth to it under a lot of pain. I should keep it.
The judge asks the father if he has anything to add.
The father calmly replies:" let me explain this situation with a metaphor; if you walk up to a coca-cola machine, put in a dollar and a coke comes out, does the coke belong to you or the machine?"

There was a new machine at the gym...

After using it for 30 minutes, I felt sick. Maybe I bought too many chocolate bars...

Today my coworker fell into the reupholstering machine at work

don't worry, he's fully recovered

I finally realized I could no longer keep my broken money making machine.

It just didn't make cents.

What's the difference between a Trump voter and a polar bear?

One is a fat, white, mindless killing machine with no conscience or future, and the other is a bear.

I just bought a used time machine on craigslist.

They sure don't make them like they're going to anymore.

Best Way To Impress a Girl..

Boy To Gym Coach: "I Wanna Impress Cute Girl, I'm Gonna Meet In 3 Days Which Machine Should I Use?" Coach: "Use The ATM Machine Outside The Gym"

If time means money...

...then an ATM is **A** **T**ime **M**achine.

Crazy man has s**... with machine at laundromat and evades police

Nut screws washer and bolts

An old man goes to the gym...

An old man goes to the gym and asks a trainer, "I want to impress young beautiful girls. What's the best machine I can use?"
The trainer responds, "The ATM"

There's a new machine at my gym.

I used it, but after an hour I started feeling sick...
It's got Snickers, cheetos, Peanuts... Everything!

Did you hear about the man who fell into the lens making machine?

He made a spectacle of himself.

At the gym

I walked into the gym and see a bunch of ladies working out, I ask the guy who is running the gym, Sir, what machine should I use to impress the ladies? He smiles says Try the ATM in the lobby .

A really sad man committed s**... by crushing himself with a vending machine

He was soda pressed.

Today is my first day at the gym.

I walk in and see a bunch of hot women working out. I walk up to the guy who is running the gym and ask him, " Sir, what machine should I use to impress the ladies over there?" He smiles at me and says, " Try the ATM Machine in the lobby."

Why the different branches of the military can't work together:

The reason why the services don't get along? They don't speak the same language. For example, if you tell a soldier to "Secure the building." he's going to set up claymores and machine gun nests with interlocking fields of fire. If you tell a Marine to "Secure the building." he's going to pie every room with his rifle in his hands and his Ka-bar on his waist. If you tell a sailor to "Secure the building." he's going to lock all the doors and windows and put all the sensitive documents in a furnace. If you tell an airman to "Secure the building." he's going to sign a lease agreement with an option to purchase.

Two bricks of salt visit a meat factory...

And while they are looking down at one of the bone grinders, one of the salt brick accidentally falls down into the machine. The other salt brick watches in panic as his friend gets s**... into the blades and gears. After a while, the salt brick comes out from the other side of the grinding machine, all ground into pieces and powder.
"Oh my god! Are you okay Jimmy?" The salt brick on the top asks.
"Oh yeah I'm fine."

A boy was b**... groceries at a supermarket.

One day the store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice.
Intrigued, the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine, but his request was denied.
Said the store manager, "Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers."

I got a white noise machine to help me sleep...

but it just keeps saying things like "I have many friends of different colors" and "I just wish America was like how it used to be."

My sister came home today and said "they have this great new machine at the gym.."

"it's got Malteasers, Twix, sodas, you name it!!"

Husband and wife decide to make a password...

...for s**...,
they decide on 'washing machine'.
Later in bed that night husband says,
Washing machine.
Wife replies, Not tonight darling I have a sore head.
Half an hour passes and she feels guilty so she says,
Washing machine.
Husband replies,
Too late it was only a small load so I decided to do it by hand.

During a custody battle...

A mother and father are sitting with a judge during a custody battle
Mom: Sir, I went through hours of pain and suffering to bring my daughter into this world. I should have full custody.
Judge: Do you have anything to say in your defense?
Father: When you put money into a vending machine and a Coke comes out, who does the coke belong to. You or the vending machine?

A friend asked me if I wanted to come to his house last week

I told him I'll be there as soon as I boot up my time machine

My dad told me this is why different branches of the military have so much trouble communicating.

They all have different vocabulary. For instance; "Secure that building."
Tell a marine that and he'll go kill everyone inside.
Tell a soldier and he'll put up razor wire, sandbags, and machine gun nests.
Tell a sailor and he'll go in and close and lock all the windows and doors.
Tell an airman and he will take out a lease with an option to buy.

What's the difference between a ginger and a ninja?

One's a soulless killing machine. The other is a highly trained martial artist.

Did you hear about the new minting machine that produces coins only if you focus intently on it?

It makes cents if you think about it.

You ever go to pay cash, but the cashier has already handed you the card machine?

I'm like... "Did you just assume my tender?"

In WW2 you could identify which nationality your opponent was from by observing their behaviors

If they respond to threats with precise rifle shots, they're British
If they respond with heavy machine gun fire, they're German
If they retreat, they're French
If they switch to your side, they're Italian
If they apologize, they're Canadian
If nothing happens for a few minutes then suddenly your camp is leveled to the ground, they're American

I asked a fitness trainer at my local gym what would be the best machine to use in order to impress girls

Apparently it's the ATM machine at my local bank.

Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the coffee machine. He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore.
She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a s**... harassment grievance against the guy.
The supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
"It's Bruce. The dwarf."

When I was at the gym, I asked the trainer, which is the best machine to hit to attract a woman?

He pointed outside and said The ATM

In Japan they invented a machine that catches thieves

In Japan they invented a machine that catches thieves, so they took it out to different countries for a test. In USA, in 30 minutes, it caught 20 thieves,
UK, in 30 minutes it caught 500 thieves,
Spain in 20 minutes it caught 25 thieves :
Nigeria in 10 minutes it caught 6,000 thieves,
Uganda in 7 minutes it caught 20,000 thieves,
Then they brought it to South Africa , in 5 minutes the machine was stolen.

A man and a woman argue over the custody of their child...

The woman screams, "The child is mine! I birthed him from my own flesh and blood and carried him through labour! All you did was screw me, you don't deserve him!"
The man calmly replies, "Tell me, if I put ten cents in a vending machine and a drink pops out, does it belong to me or the vending machine?"

I told my wife "if ever I become comatose and depend on a machine for my survival, unplug me"

She unplugged the computer.

I've invented a machine that prints money.

I programmed it to make coins, but for some reason it keeps printing dollar bills....
It makes no cents.

A dad buys a lie detector machine and waits for his son to come home

When the son comes home:
Dad - So you were at school right?
Son - yeah
Lie Detector - BEEP
Son - Okay, okay I was at the cinema with my friends
Lie Detector - BEEP
Son - ....I was having a few beers with my friends
Dad - What??? When I was your age I NEVER touched alcohol
Lie Detector - BEEP
Mom - Hahahaha! Well honey, he IS your son
Lie Detector - BEEP

The cops in my town are looking for a crazy man. He was last seen having s**... with a laundry machine.

Nut screws washer and bolts.

I often tell myself

"You're lucky the cloning machine worked."

A man and his ex-wife are negotiating child custody

The judge first asks the ex-wife to give him a reason why she should get the child.
**"Your honour, naturally, since I had to go through excruciating pain to bring this child into the world, I should get to keep the child."**
The judge is almost convinced but has to see the man's side first. The judge asks the man why he should receive custody of the child. The man thinks long and hard. Finally, he speaks up:
**"Your honour, if you went to a vending machine and put in a dollar and got a Coke, whose drink is it?"**

There's a new machine at my gym. Used it for an hour and felt sick.

It's really good though, does everything! Kit Kats, Snickers, Milky Ways. The lot.

I wanted to buy a drink from a vending machine, but there was a guy in front of me.

I tried to wait my turn patiently, but he just kept buying soda. I stood there for a while just watching him put in some money and take his drink, over and over until he had a whole bag of soda cans. He showed no signs of stopping, so I asked him, "Why do you keep doing that? Are you ever going to give anyone else a turn?"
He smirked and replied, "You're just jealous because I've won every time!"

Mom, how did I come to this world?

A kid asked his mother:
\- Mom, how did I come to this world?
\- Me and your father planted a seed together - began telling the story the mother.
\- From that seed - she continued - we grew m**... plant, then smoked some w**... and had s**... on the washing machine...

A penguin goes into a pub...

At the bar the peanuts say:
"Nice tie Mr!"
In the toilets the c**... machine says :
"You look s**... in that tie"
So he complains to the barman. The barman says :
"the peanuts are complimentary but the c**... machine is out of order"
This was the best joke of my birthday cards this morning, so thither I would share.

Machine joke, A penguin goes into a pub...

jokes about machine