Machine Gun Jokes

47 machine gun jokes and hilarious machine gun puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about machine gun that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Machine Gun Short Jokes

Short machine gun jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The machine gun humour may include short handgun jokes also.

  1. What do you get when you cross a vulture with a machine gun? As far away as possible.
    *cough* shameful *cough*
  2. I miss Sears:( Eminem and Machine Gun Kelly are feuding, and Colin Kaepernick is the new face of Nike. White people havent been this stressed since Sears closed.
  3. What did the priest say after he filled a man full of bullets from his machine gun? "Beholed"
  4. How does a religious extremist convert an atheist into a holy man? They use a machine gun.
  5. What sound does a racist machine gun make? kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
  6. I'll never forgive the n**... for how they treated my granddad in that concentration camp during the war. Five years he was there on that machine gun tower, and never got a single promotion...
  7. I've never forgiven the n**... for what they did to my grandfather. 12 hours a day he sat in that machine gun nest and no-one even brought him a cup of tea...

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Machine Gun One Liners

Which machine gun one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with machine gun? I can suggest the ones about arms guns and old gun.

  1. What do you call a man holding a machine gun? Sir
  2. What do you call a machine gun loaded with tranquilizers? A Snuzi
  3. What weighs 6 ounces, sits on a tree, and highly dangerous A sparrow with a machine gun
  4. What do you call a rapper skeleton Machine gun Skelly
  5. What do you call an elephant with a machine gun? Sir!
  6. 2018: Do you remember Machine Gun Kelly? 2019: ?
  7. Guns kill peaople Eminem kill machine guns
  8. What did the big machine gun say to the small machine gun? I'll now call you, Minimi
  9. How many machine guns does it take to kill an Irishman? One.
  10. What's black, white and dangerous? A magpie with a machine gun.
  11. What lives in a tree and is dangerous? A crow with a machine gun.

Hilarious Machine Gun Jokes to Make Your Friends Roar with Laughter

What funny jokes about machine gun you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean pistol jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make machine gun pranks.

Two mexicans are stranded in the desert for days....

... and they're at death's door....
They stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something, they suddenly spy through the heat haze a tree off in the distance.
As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with s**... after s**... of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly- raw bacon, all sorts.
"Hey, Pepe" says the first hombre. "ees a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!"
"You're right, amigo!" says Pepe.
So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.
His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying Pepe. "Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"
With his dying breath Pepe calls out.... "Ugh, run,amigo, run!! ees not a Bacon Tree".......
"ees... a.... Hambush"

A large group of Russian soldiers...

A large group of Russian soldiers in the border area in 1939 are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a small hill: "One Finnish soldier is better than ten Russian". The Russian commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the hill where a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice once again calls out: "One Finn is better than one hundred Russians."
Furious, the Russian commander sends his next best 100 troops over the hill and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The calm Finnish voice calls out again: "One Finn is better than one thousand Russians!"
The enraged Russian commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the hill. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought.... Then silence.
Eventually one badly wounded Russian fighter crawls back over the hill and with his dying words tells his commander,
"Don't send any more's a trap. There are two of them."

A stuttering man wants to join the army

So he arrives at the base and gets in line. The first man approaches the drill seargent.
"Soldier, what do you want to do?"
"I want to drive a tank!" He is put to the tanks
The next man approaches. "I want to fly a plane!". So he takes to the skies in a fighter jet.
The stutterer then comes up.
"What do you want to to?"
He was put in charge of the machine guns.

Two Mexican men have just crossed the border into the U.S.

They are now wandering through the Arizona desert. In short time, they become lost amongst the sand, praying for any sign of civilization. They spend days out there, and are on the verge of death from heat and starvation.
When suddenly, a shining oasis appears before them. The water is crystal clear and it is surrounded with lush foliage. And in the center is one specific tree. It is a majestic plant and from it's branches hang the most unexpected of things.
Bacon. Delicious, crispy bacon. Enough to feed a man for days. Without even thinking, one of the men bolts for the oasis, desperate for food and water. As he reaches the half way point, from behind the tree springs forth a man wielding a machine gun. The poor immigrant is gunned down and lays in the sand, dieing. His friend runs to him and says
> Miguel, are you alright? What happened to you?
To which the man responds, looking up at his friend with his dieing breath
> Pedro, it is not a bacon is a hambush.

The Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says...
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... Every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like
bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath;
"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "
"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees
Ees a ham bush...."

A man walks into a bar...

Shadily dressed in a trench coat with the collar pulled up and a fedora pulled down over his face. A livid scar runs down his cheek, and his two tone shoes are dangerously polished. In his hands he's carrying an accordion case. The bar falls completely silent. All of the patrons turn pale and freeze as the man strolls up to the bar and sets the case down on the counter. Everyone holds their breath. Suddenly, the man flips open the case and pulls out a machine gun! And everyone in the bar breathes a sigh of relief.

The Bacon tree

Two Mexican brothers are lost in the desert.
They're hungry and thirsty, and have been walking for miles on end.
Suddenly, Jose yells at his brother. "Brother! Do you smell that? It smells like bacon!"
He rushes ahead, and sure enough, over the next dune, he sees it. A bacon tree. Glorious strips of crispy bacon, glistening in the sun, waiting to be eaten.
Jose runs head long at the tree, just as his brother climbs the dune behind him. Suddenly two machine guns pop out of the bacon tree and cut him down!
He turns to his brother, and with his last breath he yells out
"Brother! Is not a Bacon Tree!"
"Is a..."
"Is a Hambush..."

Three childhood friends sign up for the army

And it's their first day, time for assignments.
The drill Sergeant asks the first one. "WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO DO?"
"I like to go sailing!" he replied.
The second friend stood up for his turn, and was asked the same question. "I like to fly..."
The third friend came up and was once again asked what he liked to do. However, he had a stutter so all he could say was "I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I"...
The drill sergeant looks at him and replies, "OK, YOU ARE NOW IN CHARGE OF THE MACHINE GUNS!"

Donald Trump is being held hostage...

Guy 1: "Donald Trump is being held hostage by terrorists and they threaten to shoot him unless the US can come up with $5 billion in cash!"
Guy 2: "Oh my God, that's horrible! How much have people donated?"
Guy 1: "So far, 15 rifles, 20 machine guns, 16 shotguns, 8 revolvers, 76 BB guns, 18 Glocks, 15 magnums, 21 bobcats, and $12 million in bullets.

Why the different branches of the military can't work together:

The reason why the services don't get along? They don't speak the same language. For example, if you tell a soldier to "Secure the building." he's going to set up claymores and machine gun nests with interlocking fields of fire. If you tell a Marine to "Secure the building." he's going to pie every room with his rifle in his hands and his Ka-bar on his waist. If you tell a sailor to "Secure the building." he's going to lock all the doors and windows and put all the sensitive documents in a furnace. If you tell an airman to "Secure the building." he's going to sign a lease agreement with an option to purchase.

My history teacher told me a joke about WW2 today...

If you have unknown troops in front of you and you want to find out who they are, fire a few rounds in their direction.
If you are met with precision machine gun fire, they're German.
If you are met by a volley of precision rifle fire, they are British.
If they surrender, they're Italian.
If there is a mass wave of infantry and tanks, they're Russian.
If there is a bayonet and sword charge, they're Japanese.
If everything is quiet for a minute or two, and suddenly you are in the middle of a massive artillery barrage and air strikes, they are American.

My dad told me this is why different branches of the military have so much trouble communicating.

They all have different vocabulary. For instance; "Secure that building."
Tell a marine that and he'll go kill everyone inside.
Tell a soldier and he'll put up razor wire, sandbags, and machine gun nests.
Tell a sailor and he'll go in and close and lock all the windows and doors.
Tell an airman and he will take out a lease with an option to buy.

In ww2 you could identify which nationality your opponent was from by observing their behaviors

If they respond to threats with precise rifle shots, they're British
If they respond with heavy machine gun fire, they're German
If they retreat, they're French
If they switch to your side, they're Italian
If they apologize, they're Canadian
If nothing happens for a few minutes then suddenly your camp is leveled to the ground, they're American

What do you do with a 6ft a**...?

I man was late for work and speeding to his job. He came over the hill of a bridge and found himself in a speed trap. The cop pulls him over and walks up to his car.
Cop: sir why were you speeding?
Man: I'm late for work
Cop: what do you do that's so important you think you can speed?
Man: I'm an a**hole stretcher
Cop: "looking confused" what's an a**hole stretcher.
Man: I stretch a**holes
Cop: what, how??
Man: well you start with one thumb then two then your fist then two fist then you put in the machine and before you know it you got a 6ft a**hole.
Cop: WTH you do with a 6ft a**hole?
Man: you give him a radar gun and stick him at the end of a bridge.

Israelis and Palestinians are fighting a battle.

From the israeli side, a machine gun fires, bang bang bang bang bang bang bang.
From the Palestinian side, a rifle goes bang bang
This goes on for a bit until suddenly, the Palestinian side goes quiet.
A head pokes out of the Israeli foxhole. Hey Muhammad! You run out of ammo?
Well come on over, i'll sell you some!

An old Russian WW2 joke

This is an old Russian WW2 joke that my grandfather loved to tell.
During high-casualty battles between Germans and Russians, the Russian general gets surprised by the commander of a tiny platoon who wants to hand over hundreds of German prisoners. When investigating the prisoners closer, he realizes that all of them are injured, most of them at their hands and arms.
The general interrogates the commander:
"Very impressive! But how did you manage to take all these hostages?"
"Ha, very simple! Just build up a machine gun next to the German trench and yell >>HEIL!! <<"

A grandpa with a machine gun enters inside a tourist bus in Ukraine.

A grandpa with a machine gun enters inside a tourist bus in Ukraine.
He asks what time is it now.
A black guy stands up and says: 'Half past seven !'
The grandpa says: Sit down son, I can see you are not a Russian.

What does "Secure the Building" mean to veterans?

If you're a veteran, I can tell what branch of the military you were in based on how you understand the phrase "secure the building."
If you were a Marine you think it means to hit the building with mortar and machine gun fire.
If you were in the Army you think it means to go from room to room clearing them of enemy combatants.
If you were in the Navy it means to turn out all the lights and lock the door.
If you were in the Air Force it means to take out a five year lease with an option to buy.