JokoJokes

Lying Jokes

139 lying jokes and hilarious lying puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about lying that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

From the absurdity of lying down in bed to the art of the lawyer's lies, get ready to laugh at these funny jokes about lying and deception. Plus, learn the power of an unconscious lie!

Funniest Lying Short Jokes

Short lying jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The lying humour may include short lies jokes also.

  1. What weigh more? 50kg of Iron or a 50kg woman? The woman. They always lie about their weight.
  2. What is the difference between Washington, Nixon and Trump? George Washington couldn't tell a lie.
    Richard Nixon couldn't tell the truth.
    Donald Trump can't tell the difference
  3. A man walks into his bedroom carrying a sheep. His wife looks horrified... "See? See what I have to bang when you're not in the mood?"
    The sheep says "Myyyyyyyy god. You weren't lying..."
  4. A 60 year old billionaire walks into a bar with his gorgeous 25 year old wife Friend: How did she marry you?
    Billionaire: I lied about my age
    Friend: You said 45?
    Billionaire: No! I said 90!
  5. Why are women so bad at parking? Because they've been lied to about what 8 inches look like their whole lives.
  6. Never get married. It'll only end in divorce. The statistics don't lie. 100% of divorces started with marriage. Can't say I didn't warn you.
  7. A man and a woman are lying in bed late night... ...and the woman asks her man: "Honey, do you prefer smart or pretty women?" and the man responds calmly: "Neither, baby, I prefer you."
  8. "Dad, are they allowed to put two people in the same grave?" "I don't think so, son. Why do you ask?"
    "Because that headstone over there says, 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
  9. In US Presidential History: Washington could not tell a lie, Nixon could not tell a truth... and Trump can not tell the difference
  10. Lying in bed, my girlfriend turned to me and said "You're a lot like a math exam."
    I replied "Why? Because I'm long and hard?"
    She said, "No, I'm cheating on you with an Asian."

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Lying One Liners

Which lying one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with lying? I can suggest the ones about fake and laughter.

  1. What lies on its back, 100 feet in the air? A dead centipede.
  2. Voldemort:so I just have to lie? pinocchio: yep.
  3. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying in front of your door? Matt.
  4. What do you call a priest who always lies? A pathological friar.
  5. My laziness is like the number 8. Once it lies down, it becomes infinite.
  6. Why must 8 always stand up? If it lies down, it's forever.
  7. What does a liar do after he's dead? He lies still...
  8. Chuck Norris once took a lie detector test The machine confessed everything
  9. The ladies call me Subway. Because I have poor quality meat and lie about being 6 inches.
  10. Three things that never lie..... Little kids, drunk people, and yoga pants
  11. What happens to lawyers after they die? They lie still.
  12. What is the biggest lie in the Universe I have read and accepted the terms and conditions
  13. What do cheaters do after they die? They lie still
  14. Why do archaeologist lead sad lives? Because their career lies in ruins.
  15. How does an attorney go to sleep? First he lies on one side, then the other!!

Lying In Bed Jokes

Here is a list of funny lying in bed jokes and even better lying in bed puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • When I was a child, I remember lying in bed with my eyes closed and waiting for Santa to come... Then crying myself to sleep as he put his clothes back on and left.
  • I remember when I was younger lying there in bed waiting for Santa to come.. I also remember the awkward silence while waiting for him to get dressed and leave.
  • Hospital patient lying in bed: "Doctor, I can't feel my legs!" Doctor: "Yes, I'm sorry. We had to amputate your arms."
    [A brief sketch from an ancient episode of 'Not The Nine O'Clock News']
  • As a child I remember lying in bed with my eyes closed waiting for Santa to come. Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and left.
  • A chicken and egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette. The egg says to herself, "I guess we answered that question."
  • Two blind man are lying on a bed. One asks another one:
    -Hey bro are you jacking off?
    The other one replies:
    -Yes,why?
    The first one says:
    -Can you please switch to yourself...
  • A couple is lying in bed. The husband says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."The wife replies,... ..."I'll miss you."
  • I don't trust my daughter's boyfriend. I think he's lying when he says my wife is great in bed.
  • A chicken and an egg were lying in bed... ..when the chicken turned to the egg, puffed from his cigarette, and said "Well that answers THAT question!".
  • Why shouldn't you lie on your Resume? It's less comfortable than your bed.

Lying Bed Jokes

Here is a list of funny lying bed jokes and even better lying bed puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • The Chicken and the Egg are lying in bed... The Chicken takes a drag of a cigarette and says... "Well, I guess that answers that question..."
  • A man is lying in a hospital bed. "Doctor, how long do I have to live?" asks the man.
    "10," replies the doctor.
    "10 what?"
    "9."
  • Snowy White and the 7 dwarves... Snowy White and the 7 dwarves were lying in bed feeling happy...but happy didn't like it and got out...
  • I live every day like it is my last. Lying in bed consuming morphine while my family cries.
  • You should probably not trust me if... I'm in my bed, because I'm probably going to lie there
  • I was lying in bed last night, counting sheep, when I thought to myself: 'I could have sworn I shut the barn door...'
  • So, it turns out my girlfriend is cheating on me I asked her what she was doing, she said she was in the mall with Becky.
    I know that's a lie, because I'm lying right next to Becky in her bed
  • Why is a restless man in bed like a lawyer? Because he lies on one side and then turns around and lies on the other one.
  • I guy I know thought he was a truly fantastic lover... But it turns out all the women who told him that were lying in bed.
  • I just got home and found someone had stolen my bed! I walked in and it was gone.
    Honestly, i'm not lying
Lying joke, I just got home and found someone had stolen my bed!

Lying Down Jokes

Here is a list of funny lying down jokes and even better lying down puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • One day, when Donald Trump is dead, in his tombstone, we'll read: "HERE LIES DONALD TRUMP" "EVEN THOUGH HE'S DEAD, HE'S STILL LYING!"
  • A psychiatrist finds a man lying by the road who has been robbed and beaten senseless. The psychiatrist says, "My god, whoever did this needs help!"
  • When my wife told me that the Prime Minister of Canada got re-elected, I thought she was lying. It's Trudeau.
  • I can always tell, just by looking, when someone is lying. I can also tell when they're standing.
  • They said that a mask and gloves were enough to go to the supermarket. They lied, everyone else has clothes on.
  • An old one. What lies on the bottom of the sea and shakes? A nervous wreck!
    I first heard this at xmas 1952 (64 years ago) and it still makes me smile.
  • Just back from the zoo. Saw a slice of toast lying in one of the enclosures. It was bread in captivity.
  • If a white lie is a harmless lie that doesn't really matter Then does that mean that black lies matter?
  • My wife keeps using the old 'men can't multitask' stereotype.. So i said that's a lie.. I can make love to you AND think of your sister at the same time
  • What's a quality you look for in a good lawyer? Lie-ability
    (Just getting started in comedy and want to test a few of my jokes here).

Lying Lawyer Jokes

Here is a list of funny lying lawyer jokes and even better lying lawyer puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Do you think they can bury two people in the same grave?... I've just been wondering ever since I saw a headstone that said, "here lies a lawyer and an honest man".
  • How does a lawyer sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
    Cr
  • A man is walking through a cemetery when he sees a headstone that reads, "Here lies John, an honest man and a lawyer."
    "How about that," he thinks. "Three men buried in one grave!"
  • How do lawyers sleep? They lie on one side then proceed to lie on the other
  • How does a lawyer sleep? He lies on one side, and then he lies on the other side!
  • How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving.
  • Q. How does a lawyer sleep at night? A. He lies on one side then flips over and lies on the other side too.
  • A man visiting a graveyard saw a tombstone that read: "Here lies John Smith, a lawyer and an honest man." "How about that!" he exclaimed. "They've got three people buried in one grave."
  • why are lawyers dishonest because they understand lie-ability
  • Whats an israeli lawyer's favourite month? Jew Lie
Lying joke, Whats an israeli lawyer's favourite month?

Cheerful Lying Jokes for Unforgettable Laughter with Friends!

What funny jokes about lying you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean truth jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make lying pranks.

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally n**.... Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.
"But you're n**...!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're n**...!"
"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me".
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.
"Needs ironing"...

The Heart Attack

THE HEART ATTACK
A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs only to find her husband n**... lying on the bed,
sweating and panting.
'What's up?' she asks.
'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband..
The blonde rushes downstairs to use the phone, but just as she's dialling, her four-year-old son says
"Mummy mummy, aunty Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe & she has no clothes on"
The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom
right past her husband..rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is
her sister, totally n**... and cowering on the floor.
'You rotten b**...', she screams.
'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around
n**... playing hide and seek with the kids!!'

Tender touching

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great s**..., she spent the next hour just rubbing his t**... -- something she loved to do.
"That feels so nice" he said. Then turned and asked her, "You seem to love doing that, but why?"
Because, she replied, "I miss mine."

So a chicken and an egg are lying in bed together.

The chicken slowly puffs on a cigarette as he radiates satisfaction. The frustrated egg turns to him and barks, "Well I guess that answers that question."

A weak little man applied for a job as a lumberjack...

...but the foreman refused to take him because he was too small. "I may look puny," protested the man, "but I'm not. Just give me a chance to show you my strength."
The foreman consented and told the man to go chop down a giant redwood that stood nearby. Half an hour later, to the foreman's shock, the redwood was lying on the ground.
"Where'd you learn to cut down trees like that?" the foreman asked.
"The Sahara Forest," the man answered.
"You mean the Sahara Desert?" the foreman ventured.
"Sure," said that man, "if that's what they call it now."

The bride asks her husband

The bride asks her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a v**... and I don't know
anything about s**.... Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

sin and cos are lying down next to each other on the beach

when all of a sudden sin jumps on top of cos. cos shouts "what are you doing?" sin replies, "im trying to get tan."

A married couple is lying in bed.

The wife leans over and says, "I want you to say dirty things before we start". So the man starts to caress her neck and whispers to here. "Living room, Bathroom, Kitchen".

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas.

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a j**... lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a j**... lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.......
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye,'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call.

An old man is lying on his death bed...

... when he smells the delicious aroma of freshly baked apple pie. He calls over his grandson and whispers, "Boy, go ask your grandma for a slice of that pie."
The boy scampers off and returns a minute later, replying, "Grandma says no, it's for after the f**...."

A guy found his dog lying in a puddle of blood behind his house

He rang the number for the emergency animal rescue.
'Is it moving?' they asked.
'Yes', he replied. 'It's quite emotional.'

A preacher is reaching....

...the end of his sermon. He tells the congregation "Now for next week, I need everyone to read Leviticus chapter 28. It ties into my sermon" A week passes. The preacher reached the pulpit and asked "How many of you read Leviticus chapter 28?" Everyone raised their hands. The preacher looked and said "Ladies and gentlemen, there is no 28th chapter to Leviticus. Now let me start my sermon on lying."

Legs Up

Nina comes home after school and asks her mother "mommy, why do people go to heaven with their legs up?". Mother responds: "I don't think that's true, Nina. Why do you think so?". "Because I just walked past the neighbours house" Nina says "and the lady was screaming 'Oh God, i'm coming', so it was a good thing daddy was lying on top of her, otherwise she would have really gone too!"

Indian On The Road

I'm driving from Santa Fe to Albuquerque when I see an American Indian lying on the road with his ear to the ground. Curious, I pull over, walk up to him and ask, "Excuse me, what are you doing?" He says, "Silver 1991 Chevy station wagon, one man, one woman, two children". I say, "Wow, you can tell all that just by listening to the road?" He says, "Heck no, they just ran me over".

Three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger...

One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable. "Jesus Christ" he exclaimed.
Joseph said: "Write that down, Mary. It's better than Wayne."

Husband get back home from work asks wife

**Husband:** "Why are the torn condoms lying on the sofa?"
**Wife:** "What?....... Where?" rushes out to check.
She comes back furious saying:"I will kill you if you don't stop calling our children TORN CONDOMS"

The world's leading scientists build a lie-detecting machine...

...so powerful that if you are detected to be lying, it you immediately drop dead.
They bring around three test subjects. The first one, an Irishman, is hooked to the machine. He says, "I think I don't drink" and the next moment, he's dead. Next, it's the Asian's turn. She says, "I think I'm a good driver" and what do you know! She too is killed instantly. Then the blonde walks up and confidently begins,"I think—" and drops dead.

Visitors

Two children are lying in their beds when one says to the other: "I think mom and dad have visitors over."
The other one asks: "Why do you think that?"
The first one replies: "Mom's laughing at dad's jokes."

A multimillionaire goes to a psychologist

So, the multimillionaire is lying there on the couch, and he says, "I have this problem where I buy things. Big things, little things. It doesn't matter if it's a good deal or not. It doesn't matter whether or not I need it. It's the thrill of the purchase. In fact, yesterday I pulled out my wallet, and I bought an entire mall."
So the psychologist thinks for a little while, and finally says, "Then it sounds like you have a shopping complex."

A married couple of 20 years are lying in bed

The man rolled over and said to his wife, "Hey, honey, I have a hard on that I just can't get rid of. Think you wanna help?"
The wife turned around and stripped n**....
The husband then rolled back over, closed his eyes, and said, "thanks, honey, that did the trick!"

A joke I just invented (I think!)

I think lying face down in the middle of a herd of cows deserves a pat on the back.

Heaven Between Legs

A nun went to her Mother Superior and asked her to hear a confession.
"Mother, today I experienced the pleasures of the flesh. Father Saunders came to me and told me I had the gates to Heaven between my legs. He then told me he had the key to Heaven and put it in the gates."
"Why that lying ba***rd !" the Mother Superior screamed. "For years he has told me it was Gabriel's trumpet and I've been blowing it!"

Tribal Wisdom

So a cowboy is riding along a trail in the old west and sees an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. As he gets closer he hears the Indian saying to himself "Wagon...two gray horses...two passengers, man and woman...man driving" The cowboy goes "Wow! you can tell all that by just putting your ear to the ground?" The Indian replies "No. Wagon pass half hour ago, run me over."

I heard we like Native American jokes.

Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with
his ear to the ground.
One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see
that Indian?"
"Yeah," says the other cowboy.
"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground.
He can hear things for miles in any direction."
Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says,
"about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white.
Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."
"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian
knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they
are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"
The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a
half hour ago."

A man and wife are lying in bed...

The man says "hey honey, do you want to make love?"
She says "normally I would, but I have an appointment with my gynecologist in the morning, and that seems like it would be g**...."
The man says "I understand" and rolls over.
After a few moments, the man rolls back over and asks "when's your next dentist appointment?"

A woman and a man are lying in bed

A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.
She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens. She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi. I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrifiic. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up and the man asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me about the great time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

I tried e**... suffocation on the wife the other night when we were having s**....

She obviously didn't like it. She's been lying there for 5 days now giving me the silent treatment!!

Bears think if you're lying down motionless, you're dead.

So everyday, the first bear to wake up thinks its entire family is dead. Tragic..

My favorite psychiatrist joke

A man gets mugged on the street and is lying on the ground, suffering from his wounds. A psychiatrist happens to walk by and sees the man and says, "Whoever did this to you needs some serious help!"

A Scottish priest is driving home when he comes across a dead pig lying on the road.

So he calls the police to inform them.
A c**... sergeant answers the called. "Did ye read him his last rites?" smirks the sergeant.
"Naw." replies the priest." I thought I would inform his next of kin first!"

An Emergency Call Centre operator has been fired...

An Emergency Call Centre operator has been fired in Bradford
It seems that a caller dialed 999 from a mobile phone stating, "I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet my maker."
To which the call centre employee replied, "Remain calm and stay on the line."

Isis and the Christian man

An ISIS member stopped the car of a Christian couple.
ISIS member: Are you Muslim?
Christian man: Yes, I'm Muslim.
ISIS member: If you are a Muslim, then recite a verse of Quran.
Christian man recited a verse from the Bible.
ISIS member: Ok yallah go.
Later his wife tells him: "I cannot believe the risk you just took.
Why did u tell him that we are Muslims?
If he knew you were lying he would have killed both of us."
"Do not worry! If they knew the Quran they would not kill people" answered the Husband.

The oldest man in the world is lying on his deathbed.

A reporter asks him how he managed to live to be so old.

The man replies, "I just don't argue with s**... people."
The reporter tells him, "That's ridiculous."
The old man replies with, "Yes, you're right."

A young Korean couple are lying in bed...

When the guy starts f**... nonstop.
The girl, unable to take the smell, says, "Stop, that's disgusting!"
"Don't blame me", the guy says. "It's the dog."
"Oh, don't blame him", she says. "He was cooked perfectly."

I made a huge mistake

I took my girlfriend to Subway, when she got her six inch sub, she looked at me and she instantly knew that I've been lying to her for years.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I am extremely handsome and too many girls want me

She said something else about my chronic lying disorder but I wasn't really listening

I knew my girlfriend was cheating on me when she texted me saying

I knew my girlfriend was cheating on me when she texted me saying "I'm out for dinner with my friend Emma" because Emma was lying beside me in bed

My wife and I were lying in bed the other day...

My hands were slowly finding their way across her body.
I whispered, "I'm gonna make you the happiest woman in the world."
She whispered back, "I'll miss you."

I found girl lying on railroad tracks. I untied her, took her into bushes and we had great s**.... No head, though.

I never found it.

A man comes home from work...

A man comes home from work and he finds his wife furious at him.
She screams "Why did you sleep with my sister while you were at work!?"
He replies "Well she was lying on the table, n**..., and you know she's an attractive woman, so what did you expect me to do?"
"Perform the autopsy."

I lost my watch at a party.

After some intensive searching through the crowd, I spotted it lying on the floor. There was a guy standing on it. When I looked up, I saw the guy harassing a girl, touching her at all the wrong places. She obviously didn't approve. So I walked over there and punched this guy in the face. Nobody treats girls like that. Not on my watch.

Chicken and an egg

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken lights up a cigarette. The egg, with a dissatisfied look on it's face, rolls over and remarks, "Well, I guess we answered that question."

A cop shows up to a gory car wreck (long)

A cop shows up to a gory car wreck and immediately sees several body parts lying around. He takes out his pen and pad to make some notes for his report.
"Left arm - found in ditch"
"Left leg - found in ditch"
~~"Head - found in bulavard~~
~~"Head - found in boulavard~~
*kick*
"Head - found in ditch"

A Mexican lying on his death bed

The sick Mexican was lying on his death bed. He had only hours to live when suddenly he smelled tamales. He loved tamales more than anything else in the world, especially his wife's tamales.
With every last bit of energy left in his body, the sick Mexican pulled himself out of bed, across the floor, down the hall, and into the kitchen. He saw that his wife was removing a fresh batch of tamales from the stove top. As he reached for one of the freshly made tamales, his wife smacked him in with a wooden spoon.
"Leave them alone, c**..., they're for the f**...."

One Sunday morning in church...

... as Pastor Smith is about to deliver his sermon he asks the congregation how many of them managed to read Mark Chapter 17 as he'd asked them to the previous Sunday.
Almost all hands in the church went up.
"Very well," Pastor Smith continued. "By the way, Mark only has 16 chapters, and the topic of today's sermon shall be lying."

Two economists walk down a road...

Two economists walk down a road and they see a twenty dollar bill lying on the side-walk. One of them asks is that a twenty dollar bill? Then the other one answers It can't be, because someone would have picked it up already, and they keep walking.

I woke up to find my wife lying unconscious on the kitchen floor..

At first I panicked, then remembered that McDonalds does all day breakfast.

This homeless man had a sign that said "one day this could be you"

So i put my dollar back in my pocket just in case he wasn't lying

The man came home early from work to find his wife lying n**... on the bed, crying her eyes out.

What's wrong? he asked.
I've got nothing to wear to the dance tomorrow night, she
sobbed.
Oh come on now! You've plenty of clothes, and with that
he went over to the wardrobe. See here, there's the nice
pink dress, the pale blue skirt, the yellow cocktail dress, hi
there Tom, the green silk gown…

A son asks his father, Dad, what's a dilemma?

Well, Son, imagine you were lying in bed, n**..., and, to one side, is a beautiful, young, n**... woman, and, to the other side, is a very muscular, gay man; who ya gonna turn your back on?

As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply. After some time, he came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves...

So Noah asked them, Why aren't you multiplying?
The snakes replied, We can't, we're adders.

saw my wife lying at the bottom of the stairs I thought to myself,

She was right, I am pushy"

Two police officers walk into a crime scene.

They see two people lying dead on the floor. The victims are holding a piece of w**... each. Their eyes are red and their skin is dry.
One officer turns to the other and says: "Looks like a joint s**...."

Wife: I cannot believe you had s**... with my sister!

Husband: I walked in the room and she was lying there n**...! What was I supposed to do?
Wife: The Autopsy!

A man is lying on a nudist beach wearing only a hat covering his c**...

When all of a sudden a woman passes by who remarks, "If you were even the tiniest bit of a gentleman, you would lift and tip your hat to a lady."
He replies, "If you were even the tiniest bit of a s**... woman, the hat would lift by itself."

After Trump dies, at his eulogy the priest says: he is today how he was as president..

Wearing make-up and lying in front of us

A preacher tells his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. "

"To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, the preacher asks who read it, with every hand going up. The preacher smiles and says, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

A mother asks her two sons who broke her favorite vase. She told them she won't get angry if they told the truth, yet one of them lied. The first son said he played soccer in the house but broke nothing. The second son said he only broke his own doll house. Who's lying?

The mother is, we all know she will stil get angry no matter what.

A surgeon is about to perform his first surgery...

...and the patient is lying on the surgical table, waiting for the anesthetist. The doctor grabs the patient's hand and takes a deep breath.
Surgeon: "Don't worry, Richard, this is not big deal, just a few cuts here and there, and all done in less than an hour. Tonight you rest, watch the game and forget about this."
Patient: "My name is not Richard!"
Surgeon: "Oh, I'm just talking to myself."

A dog is lying on the grass l**... his b**......

A guy looks and says to his friend, "I wish I could do that."
His friend says, "You better pet him first. He looks pretty mean."

On a weather forecast in Russia reporter said it was -50C in Yakutsk.

On a weather forecast in Russia reporter said it was -50C in Yakutsk.
A guy from Moscow says to his wife:
Guy:- They are overreacting, I'll call my cousin who lives there, and he'll tell me the truth.
He calls his cousin and asks,
Guy:- What's the weather like where you are?
Cousin:- It's around -20C I would say.
Guy:- I knew the news were lying, they said it was -50C.
Cousin:- Oh, well it might be outside.

A physicist and an engineer agree to take part in an experiment.

They are shown into a room where a n**... woman is lying on a bed on the other side of the room and told they can cross half the distance between them and the woman every minute.
The physicist throws up his hands and turns away.
The engineer walks halfway across the room.
"You fool!" says the physicist. "Don't you realise you will never actually reach her?"
"That's okay," says the engineer. "Pretty soon I will be close enough for all practical purposes!"

Quasimodo is about to ring the bell for 3pm when the rope snaps.

He knows he has to ring it but doesn't know how. Then he has an idea. He takes a big run up and uses his face to ring it. Bloodied and cut he does it again. Battered and bruised he does it one more time, but the bell swings back and knocks him off the tower down to the floor below.
Lying dead in a b**... heap, he's surrounded by towns people. o**... says "who's that?"
His pal said "I don't know, but his face rings a bell."

Lying

A minister told his congregation, Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17. The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.

A man approaches an ancient temple seeking enlightenment

He hails the monk guarding the gate, "I have come to seek enlightenment for I know nothing"
The monk perks up, "Greetings, what is your name traveler?"
The man smiles, "I am Steve"
The monk laughs, "Lying so soon?"

I am not sure if my friend is lying about him scaling the top of Mount Everest.

I think…… he made it up.

The best chicken joke ever!

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is
smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg is frowning and looking a bit p**... off.

The egg mutters to no one in particular,
"Well, I guess we answered THAT question!"

Clark Kent was lying in his death bed with his wife Lois Lane beside him.

After some time, Lois said Darling, I have to confess something. Years ago, I had an affair with Superman. It was only one night, but I've regretted it ever since. I hope you can forgive me.
You don't need to worry about that because, Clark said as he took off his glasses, I am Superman! Even if you didn't know it was me, in my eyes you were always faithful.
Oh thank God! said Lois. I can't tell you what a weight that is off my chest.
Glad we cleared that up, said Clark.
So I guess this means you were Batman too.

I think my friend is lying when he claimed he reached the top of Mount Everest last year.

I'm not sure if…he made it up.

I can't tell if this fish is lying .....

They're so koi nowadays!

Lying joke, I can't tell if this fish is lying .....

jokes about lying