Following is our collection of funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include Lying puns, dirty or clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.
What's wrong? he asked.
I've got nothing to wear to the dance tomorrow night, she
sobbed.
Oh come on now! You've plenty of clothes, and with that
he went over to the wardrobe. See here, there's the nice
pink dress, the pale blue skirt, the yellow cocktail dress, hi
there Tom, the green silk gown…
I never found it.
A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.
She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens. She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi. I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrifiic. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up and the man asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me about the great time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
The man rolled over and said to his wife, "Hey, honey, I have a hard on that I just can't get rid of. Think you wanna help?"
The wife turned around and stripped naked.
The husband then rolled back over, closed his eyes, and said, "thanks, honey, that did the trick!"
She obviously didn't like it. She's been lying there for 5 days now giving me the silent treatment!!
...and the woman asks her man: "Honey, do you prefer smart or pretty women?" and the man responds calmly: "Neither, baby, I prefer you."
So a cowboy is riding along a trail in the old west and sees an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. As he gets closer he hears the Indian saying to himself "Wagon...two gray horses...two passengers, man and woman...man driving" The cowboy goes "Wow! you can tell all that by just putting your ear to the ground?" The Indian replies "No. Wagon pass half hour ago, run me over."
"You're a lot like a math exam."
I replied "Why? Because I'm long and hard?"
She said, "No, I'm cheating on you with an Asian."
When all of a sudden a woman passes by who remarks, "If you were even the tiniest bit of a gentleman, you would lift and tip your hat to a lady."
He replies, "If you were even the tiniest bit of a sexy woman, the hat would lift by itself."
A man comes home from work and he finds his wife furious at him.
She screams "Why did you sleep with my sister while you were at work!?"
He replies "Well she was lying on the table, naked, and you know she's an attractive woman, so what did you expect me to do?"
"Perform the autopsy."
"EVEN THOUGH HE'S DEAD, HE'S STILL LYING!"
The psychiatrist says, "My god, whoever did this needs help!"
...the end of his sermon. He tells the congregation "Now for next week, I need everyone to read Leviticus chapter 28. It ties into my sermon" A week passes. The preacher reached the pulpit and asked "How many of you read Leviticus chapter 28?" Everyone raised their hands. The preacher looked and said "Ladies and gentlemen, there is no 28th chapter to Leviticus. Now let me start my sermon on lying."
I can also tell when they're standing.
When the guy starts farting nonstop.
The girl, unable to take the smell, says, "Stop, that's disgusting!"
"Don't blame me", the guy says. "It's the dog."
"Oh, don't blame him", she says. "He was cooked perfectly."
A reporter asks him how he managed to live to be so old.
The man replies, "I just don't argue with stupid people."
The reporter tells him, "That's ridiculous."
The old man replies with, "Yes, you're right."
After some intensive searching through the crowd, I spotted it lying on the floor. There was a guy standing on it. When I looked up, I saw the guy harassing a girl, touching her at all the wrong places. She obviously didn't approve. So I walked over there and punched this guy in the face. Nobody treats girls like that. Not on my watch.
A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles -- something she loved to do.
"That feels so nice" he said. Then turned and asked her, "You seem to love doing that, but why?"
Because, she replied, "I miss mine."
It was bread in captivity.
She was right, I am pushy"
when all of a sudden sin jumps on top of cos. cos shouts "what are you doing?" sin replies, "im trying to get tan."
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken lights up a cigarette. The egg, with a dissatisfied look on it's face, rolls over and remarks, "Well, I guess we answered that question."
**Husband:** "Why are the torn condoms lying on the sofa?"
**Wife:** "What?....... Where?" rushes out to check.
She comes back furious saying:"I will kill you if you don't stop calling our children TORN CONDOMS"
I took my girlfriend to Subway, when she got her six inch sub, she looked at me and she instantly knew that I've been lying to her for years.
One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable. "Jesus Christ" he exclaimed.
Joseph said: "Write that down, Mary. It's better than Wayne."
Well, Son, imagine you were lying in bed, naked, and, to one side, is a beautiful, young, nude woman, and, to the other side, is a very muscular, gay man; who ya gonna turn your back on?
Then crying myself to sleep as he put his clothes back on and left.
Nina comes home after school and asks her mother "mommy, why do people go to heaven with their legs up?". Mother responds: "I don't think that's true, Nina. Why do you think so?". "Because I just walked past the neighbours house" Nina says "and the lady was screaming 'Oh God, i'm coming', so it was a good thing daddy was lying on top of her, otherwise she would have really gone too!"
I knew my girlfriend was cheating on me when she texted me saying "I'm out for dinner with my friend Emma" because Emma was lying beside me in bed
Husband: I walked in the room and she was lying there naked! What was I supposed to do?
Wife: The Autopsy!
My hands were slowly finding their way across her body.
I whispered, "I'm gonna make you the happiest woman in the world."
She whispered back, "I'll miss you."
She said something else about my chronic lying disorder but I wasn't really listening
I also remember the awkward silence while waiting for him to get dressed and leave.
So i put my dollar back in my pocket just in case he wasn't lying
At first I panicked, then remembered that McDonalds does all day breakfast.
A man gets mugged on the street and is lying on the ground, suffering from his wounds. A psychiatrist happens to walk by and sees the man and says, "Whoever did this to you needs some serious help!"
Two economists walk down a road and they see a twenty dollar bill lying on the side-walk. One of them asks is that a twenty dollar bill? Then the other one answers It can't be, because someone would have picked it up already, and they keep walking.
... when he smells the delicious aroma of freshly baked apple pie. He calls over his grandson and whispers, "Boy, go ask your grandma for a slice of that pie."
The boy scampers off and returns a minute later, replying, "Grandma says no, it's for after the funeral."
So everyday, the first bear to wake up thinks its entire family is dead. Tragic..
So Noah asked them, Why aren't you multiplying?
The snakes replied, We can't, we're adders.
... as Pastor Smith is about to deliver his sermon he asks the congregation how many of them managed to read Mark Chapter 17 as he'd asked them to the previous Sunday.
Almost all hands in the church went up.
"Very well," Pastor Smith continued. "By the way, Mark only has 16 chapters, and the topic of today's sermon shall be lying."
Two children are lying in their beds when one says to the other: "I think mom and dad have visitors over."
The other one asks: "Why do you think that?"
The first one replies: "Mom's laughing at dad's jokes."
So he calls the police to inform them.
A cocky sergeant answers the called. "Did ye read him his last rites?" smirks the sergeant.
"Naw." replies the priest." I thought I would inform his next of kin first!"
They see two people lying dead on the floor. The victims are holding a piece of weed each. Their eyes are red and their skin is dry.
One officer turns to the other and says: "Looks like a joint suicide."
He rang the number for the emergency animal rescue.
'Is it moving?' they asked.
'Yes', he replied. 'It's quite emotional.'
Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and left.
The man says "hey honey, do you want to make love?"
She says "normally I would, but I have an appointment with my gynecologist in the morning, and that seems like it would be gross."
The man says "I understand" and rolls over.
After a few moments, the man rolls back over and asks "when's your next dentist appointment?"
...so powerful that if you are detected to be lying, it you immediately drop dead.
They bring around three test subjects. The first one, an Irishman, is hooked to the machine. He says, "I think I don't drink" and the next moment, he's dead. Next, it's the Asian's turn. She says, "I think I'm a good driver" and what do you know! She too is killed instantly. Then the blonde walks up and confidently begins,"I think—" and drops dead.
A nun went to her Mother Superior and asked her to hear a confession.
"Mother, today I experienced the pleasures of the flesh. Father Saunders came to me and told me I had the gates to Heaven between my legs. He then told me he had the key to Heaven and put it in the gates."
"Why that lying ba***rd !" the Mother Superior screamed. "For years he has told me it was Gabriel's trumpet and I've been blowing it!"
An Emergency Call Centre operator has been fired in Bradford
It seems that a caller dialed 999 from a mobile phone stating, "I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet my maker."
To which the call centre employee replied, "Remain calm and stay on the line."
A cop shows up to a gory car wreck and immediately sees several body parts lying around. He takes out his pen and pad to make some notes for his report.
"Left arm - found in ditch"
"Left leg - found in ditch"
~~"Head - found in bulavard~~
~~"Head - found in boulavard~~
*kick*
"Head - found in ditch"
Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.......
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye,'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call.
THE HEART ATTACK
A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed,
sweating and panting.
'What's up?' she asks.
'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband..
The blonde rushes downstairs to use the phone, but just as she's dialling, her four-year-old son says
"Mummy mummy, aunty Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe & she has no clothes on"
The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom
right past her husband..rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is
her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.
'You rotten Bitch', she screams.
'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around
naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!'
An ISIS member stopped the car of a Christian couple.
ISIS member: Are you Muslim?
Christian man: Yes, I'm Muslim.
ISIS member: If you are a Muslim, then recite a verse of Quran.
Christian man recited a verse from the Bible.
ISIS member: Ok yallah go.
Later his wife tells him: "I cannot believe the risk you just took.
Why did u tell him that we are Muslims?
If he knew you were lying he would have killed both of us."
"Do not worry! If they knew the Quran they would not kill people" answered the Husband.
I'm driving from Santa Fe to Albuquerque when I see an American Indian lying on the road with his ear to the ground. Curious, I pull over, walk up to him and ask, "Excuse me, what are you doing?" He says, "Silver 1991 Chevy station wagon, one man, one woman, two children". I say, "Wow, you can tell all that just by listening to the road?" He says, "Heck no, they just ran me over".
The sick Mexican was lying on his death bed. He had only hours to live when suddenly he smelled tamales. He loved tamales more than anything else in the world, especially his wife's tamales.
With every last bit of energy left in his body, the sick Mexican pulled himself out of bed, across the floor, down the hall, and into the kitchen. He saw that his wife was removing a fresh batch of tamales from the stove top. As he reached for one of the freshly made tamales, his wife smacked him in with a wooden spoon.
"Leave them alone, cabron, they're for the funeral."
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me".
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.
"Needs ironing"...
I think lying face down in the middle of a herd of cows deserves a pat on the back.
The bride asks her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!
So, the multimillionaire is lying there on the couch, and he says, "I have this problem where I buy things. Big things, little things. It doesn't matter if it's a good deal or not. It doesn't matter whether or not I need it. It's the thrill of the purchase. In fact, yesterday I pulled out my wallet, and I bought an entire mall."
So the psychologist thinks for a little while, and finally says, "Then it sounds like you have a shopping complex."
...but the foreman refused to take him because he was too small. "I may look puny," protested the man, "but I'm not. Just give me a chance to show you my strength."
The foreman consented and told the man to go chop down a giant redwood that stood nearby. Half an hour later, to the foreman's shock, the redwood was lying on the ground.
"Where'd you learn to cut down trees like that?" the foreman asked.
"The Sahara Forest," the man answered.
"You mean the Sahara Desert?" the foreman ventured.
"Sure," said that man, "if that's what they call it now."
Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with
his ear to the ground.
One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see
that Indian?"
"Yeah," says the other cowboy.
"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground.
He can hear things for miles in any direction."
Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says,
"about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white.
Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."
"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian
knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they
are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"
The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a
half hour ago."
The chicken slowly puffs on a cigarette as he radiates satisfaction. The frustrated egg turns to him and barks, "Well I guess that answers that question."
The nurse says, "How can I help you?"
Girl says, "LYING BASTARDS!" and leaves.
An old man is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
Nurse, ' he mumbles from behind the mask, are my testicles black?
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.
He struggles to ask again, Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.
She looks very closely and says, There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine.
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are – my – test – results – back?
...Blonde lying in bed with her husband listening to next door neighbours' dog barking for hours and hours every night!
* **blonde:** "I've had enough of this," ....the blonde runs downstairs, finally returns back to bed.
* **husband:** "The dog is still barking. What have you done?"
* **blonde:** "I've put their dog in our yard, now we'll see how they like it!"
He says, "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
His wife, lying in bed replies, "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."
The man says, "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."
Isn't it great to live in a society where the penalty for lying to a congressman is up to 20 years in jail,
...but the penalty for a congressman lying to you is two more years in office.
The goal of the competition is to tell the most convincing, outrageous lie. The blonde thinks for days and days over what lie she is going to tell but she is never able to come up with a good one.
On the day of the competition, she walks up on stage, still lacking a good lie. She reaches for the microphone, grasping for any idea, and stares at the crowd. "hmm, let me think about this", she mutters to herself.
The crowd breaks into cheers and applause, confetti falls from the sky, and the Judge walks up to her, and gives her the first place award.
( i think this is original, it works better the way my father said it in hindi, but it I hope yall like it)
The wife leans over and says, "I want you to say dirty things before we start". So the man starts to caress her neck and whispers to here. "Living room, Bathroom, Kitchen".
Mister Squeaky is a staple of the class, having been around for almost ten years. Every weekend, a different child takes him home to take care of him. One Sunday morning, a mom sees Mister Squeaky lying dead at the bottom of his cage. She rushes to the petstore and explains that she needs a replacement mouse. The man behind the counter pulls out a shoebox marked "MISTER SQUEAKY LOOK-ALIKES", pulls out a mouse and says "Here you go - that's the third one this month."
...foreign tour, had lots of cash lying with him. He thought it would be safest to keep it with a Senator and requested him to keep it until he returns. The Senator agreed but insisted the transaction be witnessed by two of his senior advisors. Money matters can lead to serious misunderstandings. said Senator. It is always wise to have two witnesses.
The Governor saw the wisdom of the advice. The cash was handed over to the Senator in the presence of two of his senior advisors.
Some weeks later when the Governor returned home, he called on the Senator and asked for the return of his money.
What money? asked the Senator. I don't know what you are talking about.
The cash I left with you. pleaded the Governor. You even had two of your senior advisors as witnesses.
Let's ask them. replied the Senator. The senior advisors were called to the Senator's office.
Do you know anything about this Governor leaving money with me? asked the Senator.
No sir, I know nothing replied one. No sir, he didn't leave any money with you. said the other. The senior advisors left the room. The Senator opened his safe and gave the Governor his cash.
Why did you first say you knew nothing about my money ? Asked the bewildered Governor.
I just wanted to know what kind of senior advisors I have. Replied the Senator.
...she's half asleep, the husband is reading the newspaper, when the phone rings. The husband picks it up.
"Hello? No, sorry, I think you've got the wrong number.... no, I think you meant to call the local Coast Guard station... yup, that's right... no, I couldn't tell you the number, I don't have it handy, but I'm sure you could find it in the phone book... no problem at all, don't mention it... no no no, don't worry about it, you didn't wake me... ok, you have a good night yourself."
He hangs up the phone and his wife asks
"Who was it?"
And the guy responds
"Nah no one, just some guy asking if the coast was clear."
A Scottish priest is driving home when he comes across a dead pig lying on the side of the road. So he calls the police to inform them.
A cocky sergeant answers the call.
"Did ye read him his last rites?" the sergeant smirked
"Naw." replies the priest. "I thought I'd inform his next of kin first!"
A man finds a lamp lying on the beach, and when he picks it up, he is startled when a genie comes out of it. The genie intones "For granting me my freedom, sir, I will grant you one wish." The man figures that if he only gets ONE wish, he should probably use it for the greater good, and requests "Oh genie, please make the changes necessary to end world hunger." The genies agrees, and goes off to research how this might be done.
However, 24 hours later, the genie returns, saying "I'm sorry, but world hunger is just too large and pervasive an issue, this is beyond the scope of even my powers - do you have another wish?" The man thinks for a minute and states "If you can't feed the world, perhaps we can power it - can you grant me the knowledge and plans for cold fusion, so that humanity might have a cheap energy source?" The genie agrees to look into that, but 12 hours later comes back with no success - the technology is beyond what he can do using earth's modern technology.
So the man states: "If I cannot make a world-wide change, then perhaps a local one might be easier - Genie, please bring peace in the middle east." Five minutes later the genie returns, and asks "What were those first two wishes, again?"
It was lying on its back, rigor mortis locking its legs in the air. He asks his dad why the chicken has his legs in the air. Dad, who's not exactly the brightest fellow, tells him that it's so that Jesus can reach down and pull them to heaven.
Later, at the family reunion, Joe runs to his dad crying.
"What's the matter?" Asked dad, concerned.
Little Joey cries "Mum nearly died! She was on her back with her legs in the air screaming 'Jesus I'm coming!' If it wasn't for uncle bruce holding her down she would've been gone forever!"
A robber robs a bank, gets all the money and is about to leave, but before that he asks a customer who's lying on the floor, Have you seen me rob this bank?
\-
Yes, sir, says the customer and gets promptly shot.
\-
Have you seen me rob this bank? the robber asks another customer.
\-
Absolutely not, sir, but my wife here saw everything!
The egg says to herself, "I guess we answered that question."
"How come you're late?" asks the Manager as I walked through the door.
"It was awful," I explained. "I was walking down West road and there was this terrible accident. I saw a woman lying in the middle of the road. She'd been thrown from her car. Her leg was broken, her skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank god you put me that first-aid course;all my training came back to me in a minute."
"What did you do?" asks the Manager.
"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep myself to stop myself from fainting!
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who's best at his job. So each one goes into the woods, finds a bear, and attempts to convert it. Later, they all get together. The priest begins: When I found the bear, I read to him from the catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first Communion.
I found a bear by the stream, says the minister, and preached God's holy Word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. Looking back, he says, maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.
A wife was lying in her bed with her fourth husband, they were just married and very much in love. Says the wife, "please be gentle, I am still a virgin." So the husband asks, "how can you be a virgin if you've been married three times?".
Says the wife:
My first husband was a psychiatrist: when it came to my cooch, all he wanted to do was talk about it.
My second husband was a gynaecologist: when it came to my cooch, all he wanted to do was look at it.
My third husband was a stamp collector. *sigh* I miss that man.
One of the few genuinely funny jokes I know that I originally learned in English:
During World War I, a British general is visiting an Army hospital. He shakes the hand of one soldier, who is lying in bed.
"What's wrong with you, son?"
"Gonorrhea, Sir!"
"What is the treatment for gonorrhea in the British Army?"
"The wire brush, Sir!"
"What is your fondest desire?"
"To recover and to serve the King and the country, Sir!"
The general then turns to another soldier.
"What's wrong with you, son?"
"Hemorrhoids, Sir!"
"What is the treatment for hemorrhoids in the British Army?"
"The wire brush, Sir!"
"What is your fondest desire?"
"To recover and to serve the King and the country, Sir!"
The general then turns to a third soldier.
"What's wrong with you, son?"
(softly) "Laryngitis, Sir!"
"What is the treatment for laryngitis in the British Army?"
(softly) "The wire brush, Sir!"
"I see that you have difficulty speaking. Is it true that your fondest desire is to recover and to serve the King and the country?"
(softly) "Nay, Sir. It is to grab the wire brush before the others, Sir."
In between taxi passes by a red light area.
The boy asks his mother after looking at the call girls,
Mom, who are they ?
Mother replied: They are waiting for their husbands.
Taxi driver: Why are you lying the kid ?
He says, son they are prostitutes. They sleep and earn money!
Child Asks: Then mom what happens to the kids these women give birth to?
MOM : THEY BECOME TAXI DRIVERS
Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.