Lying In Bed Jokes
129 lying in bed jokes and hilarious lying in bed puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about lying in bed that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Lying In Bed Short Jokes
Short lying in bed jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The lying in bed humour may include short laying in bed jokes also.
- A man and a woman are lying in bed late night... ...and the woman asks her man: "Honey, do you prefer smart or pretty women?" and the man responds calmly: "Neither, baby, I prefer you."
- Lying in bed, my girlfriend turned to me and said "You're a lot like a math exam."
I replied "Why? Because I'm long and hard?"
She said, "No, I'm cheating on you with an Asian." - When I was a child, I remember lying in bed with my eyes closed and waiting for Santa to come... Then crying myself to sleep as he put his clothes back on and left.
- Hospital patient lying in bed: "Doctor, I can't feel my legs!" Doctor: "Yes, I'm sorry. We had to amputate your arms."
[A brief sketch from an ancient episode of 'Not The Nine O'Clock News'] - I don't trust my daughter's boyfriend. I think he's lying when he says my wife is great in bed.
- Snowy White and the 7 dwarves... Snowy White and the 7 dwarves were lying in bed feeling happy...but happy didn't like it and got out...
- You should probably not trust me if... I'm in my bed, because I'm probably going to lie there
- I was lying in bed last night, counting sheep, when I thought to myself: 'I could have sworn I shut the barn door...'
- So, it turns out my girlfriend is cheating on me I asked her what she was doing, she said she was in the mall with Becky.
I know that's a lie, because I'm lying right next to Becky in her bed - Why is a restless man in bed like a lawyer? Because he lies on one side and then turns around and lies on the other one.
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Lying In Bed One Liners
Which lying in bed one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with lying in bed? I can suggest the ones about staying in bed and lying bed.
- Why shouldn't you lie on your Resume? It's less comfortable than your bed.
- Don't trust people who are sleeping in bed They are lying.
- Liars make their bed and.... lie there too.
- Can't sleep? Lie on the edge of your bed You'll soon drop off.
- Why are liars so lazy? Because they are always lying in bed!
- My ex was terrible in bed. I mean she would just lie there... Screaming, "Noooo!"
Lying In Bed Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about lying in bed you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean bed rest jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make lying in bed pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A mother comes home from work to find that her kids are hiding behind the couch.
She asks what's wrong, and the kids reply that aunt Sally was in the house n**.... So she goes to her bedroom to investigate, and she finds her husband lying on the bed n**... and sweaty. She asks, "What's going on?" He replies, "I'm having a heart attack." She says "I'm going to call 911, while I'm really looking for my sister." She discovers the aunt in the bathroom closet in the n**..., and gives her a slap, "How dare you! My husband is having a heart attack and you're running around scaring the kids!"
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"
A man and a woman are lying in bed, watching the ceiling and keep quiet.
What are they thinking?
The woman thinks, "He keeps quiet.
He doesn’t want to talk.
May be he’s get tired of me.
He doesn’t love me anymore.
He’s probably got someone else.
I see.
We’ll have to separate each other."
The man thinks, "A fly. A fly on the ceiling.
Wow!
How keep it there and don’t fall?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy and a girl are lying in a room after just having s**.
...
The girl lays on her side of the bed and rests.
The guy goes to his side of the bed and says to himself, "Man, oh Man I finally did it! I'm no longer a v**...."
The girl overhears him talking to himself and asks, "Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?"
"Well," the guy explains, "I always wanted to wait until I was with the woman I love to lose my virginity."
Astounded, the girl replies,"So you really love me?"
"Oh God no!", the guy says."I just got sick of waiting."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two old women were talking about their s**.
.. lives.
Ethel was upset because her s**... life had really died, while Mildred said her s**... life was great.
Mildred counseled Ethel, "When my Sammy is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lie on the bed, and put both legs behind my head.
When he sees me like that, he gets so excited, we have wild s**... the rest of the night."
Ethel said, "I'm going to try that tonight."
While Ethel's husband Harold was in the bathroom that night, she took off all her clothes.
She struggled to get both legs behind her head.
After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel fell backwards and couldn't move.
Harold came out of the bathroom with a shocked look on his face.
"For God's sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in. You look like an a**hole."
A woman meets with her lover, who is also her husband's best friend.
They make love for hours. Afterwards, as they lie in bed, the phone rings.
Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver.
The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:
"Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called... Really? That's wonderful... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Love you, too. OK. Bye-bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh," she replies, "That was my husband telling me about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
Patient: "Doctor, I can’t sleep."
Doctor: "Lie at of edge of your bed and you will sleep off."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A priest took a beautiful girl in his bedroom.
He put a Bible on the bed and asked the girl to lie on the bed.
When the priest tried to have s**... with her, the girl shouted:
"Father, what are you doing?"
The priest replied "Calm down my child.
Holy Bible under you, Holy Father above you and Holy water passing through."
Presurgery discussions
Two little boys are in a hospital, lying on beds next to each other, outside the Operating Room.
The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?'
The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous.'
The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four.
They put you to sleep, and when you wake up
they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze.'
The second kid then asks, 'What are you in here for?'
The first kid says, 'A circumcision.'
And the second kid says, 'Whoa, good luck with that one, buddy!
I had that done when I was BORN ... Couldn't walk for a year.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Heart Attack
THE HEART ATTACK
A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs only to find her husband n**... lying on the bed,
sweating and panting.
'What's up?' she asks.
'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband..
The blonde rushes downstairs to use the phone, but just as she's dialling, her four-year-old son says
"Mummy mummy, aunty Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe & she has no clothes on"
The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom
right past her husband..rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is
her sister, totally n**... and cowering on the floor.
'You rotten b**...', she screams.
'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around
n**... playing hide and seek with the kids!!'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An elderly man was lying on his death bed
and in his bank account had 300,000 dollars. Being a man that didn't trust wills and didn't want the government to get their hands on the money, he decides to call over his three most trusted people. He calls over his priest, his lawyer, and his doctor and gives them each 100,000 dollars. He then informs them that he wishes to be buried with his wealth and at the f**... they should each drop the 100,000 into his coffin. After the burial the priest announces that he must confess he donated some of the money to the orphanage. The doctor chimes in and says he has to admit that he bought a new MRI machine for the hospital. "I felt guilty but it will save many lives" he proclaims. The lawyer takes a step back and looks at both of them with disdain. "Shame on you for dishonoring a dying man's last wish. I'll have you know I enclosed a check for the full 100,000."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What a Night
This morning, as I lie on my bed thinking about you, I have this strong urge to grab you... because I just can't forget about last night. Late in the balmy night, unexpectedly, you came to me in my bed and what happened there still leaves a tingling sensation in me.
You appeared out of nowhere and shamelessly, without reservation, you laid on my n**... body without guilt or humiliation. You drove me crazy until you had s**... me dry. Only after you were finally satisfied did I fall asleep, but today, when I woke up, you were gone. I've searched for you everywhere, to no avail. My sheets still bear witness to last night's events, as does my body, which still shows your mark, making it that much harder to forget you.
Tonight I promise to remain awake and wait for you and as soon as you appear, I will grab you and never let you go. This time you won't disappear. And I won't rest until I squeeze the life out of you and destroy you once and for all, you d**... mosquito!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Ooooh, I need a bike
Little Johnny came home from school one day and went by his mom's room. The door was open, so he looked in and saw his mom lying on the bed n**... moaning and touching herself saying, "Ooh, I need a man! I need a man!"The next day, Little Johnny got home from school and saw his mom lying on the bed n**... with a n**... guy on top of her. So Little Johnny ran to his room, stripped down n**..., and started to touch himself, while moaning, "Ooh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
A married couple is lying in bed at midnight....
...she's half asleep, the husband is reading the newspaper, when the phone rings. The husband picks it up.
"Hello? No, sorry, I think you've got the wrong number.... no, I think you meant to call the local Coast Guard station... yup, that's right... no, I couldn't tell you the number, I don't have it handy, but I'm sure you could find it in the phone book... no problem at all, don't mention it... no no no, don't worry about it, you didn't wake me... ok, you have a good night yourself."
He hangs up the phone and his wife asks
"Who was it?"
And the guy responds
"Nah no one, just some guy asking if the coast was clear."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Mr. and Mrs. Blip-Blop
Mr. and Mrs. Blip-Blop were lying in bed one night. Mrs. Blip-Blop turns to Mr. Blip-Blop and says,
"Blip-Blop, blippity bloppity blop. Blip blippity blop bloppy blop." Mr. Blip-Blop replies,
"Geez, hon; just s**... it."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Tender touching
A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great s**..., she spent the next hour just rubbing his t**... -- something she loved to do.
"That feels so nice" he said. Then turned and asked her, "You seem to love doing that, but why?"
Because, she replied, "I miss mine."
So a guy lies on his death bed.
An old man is on his death bed. His entire family is by his side. He asks his daughter "Anna, are you there?" His daughter Anna says "yes father im here." The man then asks " What about my son is he here?" His son says "yes im here." "What about my grandkids," the old man said, growing more raspy. "We are here too grandpa," the grandkids said. "Everyone is here, arent they," he says, "Then why is the kitchen light on?"
A mourning man goes to see Jesus
He walks up to messiah, eyes red from crying.
"Oh Jesus, he snivels", "I need you help. My father died and I ... I need you ..."
"My child, I am here for you, and I knew your father, he was a good man and is certainly in heaven now."
"Comforting as that is, Jesus, I fear not for his fate, what I need is ..."
"To pray with me, and fight through your pain and anguish"
"What? No Jesus, I need no prayers, my father lies dead on his bed, I need you to ..."
"Stay your tongue, not even I bring people back from the dead"
"That is not what I came to you for!" the man cries out. " The other carpenter is out on a business trip, so I would like you to build my father a coffin!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The bride asks her husband
The bride asks her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a v**... and I don't know
anything about s**.... Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!
A married couple is lying in bed.
The wife leans over and says, "I want you to say dirty things before we start". So the man starts to caress her neck and whispers to here. "Living room, Bathroom, Kitchen".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Are my .....
A male patient is lying in bed at a hospital with an oxygen mask over his face and still heavily sedated from more than four hours of operation. A young female nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.
Patient: Nurse (he feebly mumbles from behind the mask) are my t**... black?
Embarrassed young nurse: I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet.
Patient (struggles again to ask): Nurse, Please, Are my t**... black?
Finally, she removes his covers, lifts his gown, takes a close look and says: There is nothing wrong with them!
Patient (slowly after removing his oxygen mask): That was very nice but listen very, closely – ARE…MY…TEST…RESULTS…BACK?
hello, hello ! 911 ? 911 ?
Yes, Sir, what happened ?
"I think my wife's dead". "What happened, Sir ?" "Well...she's lying in bed, cold and stiff as usual, but the dishes haven't been done in 3 days !"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Irish priest was transferred to Texas.
Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a j**... lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a j**... lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.......
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye,'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call.
The wire brush
One of the few genuinely funny jokes I know that I originally learned in English:
During World War I, a British general is visiting an Army hospital. He shakes the hand of one soldier, who is lying in bed.
"What's wrong with you, son?"
"Gonorrhea, Sir!"
"What is the treatment for gonorrhea in the British Army?"
"The wire brush, Sir!"
"What is your fondest desire?"
"To recover and to serve the King and the country, Sir!"
The general then turns to another soldier.
"What's wrong with you, son?"
"Hemorrhoids, Sir!"
"What is the treatment for hemorrhoids in the British Army?"
"The wire brush, Sir!"
"What is your fondest desire?"
"To recover and to serve the King and the country, Sir!"
The general then turns to a third soldier.
"What's wrong with you, son?"
(softly) "Laryngitis, Sir!"
"What is the treatment for laryngitis in the British Army?"
(softly) "The wire brush, Sir!"
"I see that you have difficulty speaking. Is it true that your fondest desire is to recover and to serve the King and the country?"
(softly) "Nay, Sir. It is to grab the wire brush before the others, Sir."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Fireman's bell system.
A man came home from work one day and told his wife how good his fireman job was when they used a bell system. He explained to her when bell 1 rang they slid down the firemans pole, bell 2 they grab thier jackets and bell 3 they were on the truck ready to go.
He also told her he wanted to use the same system so when bell 1 rang she was to go straight to the room, when bell 2 rang she was to s**... n**... and when bell 3 rang she was to be lying on the bed with her legs in the air ready to go. When he came home the next day he rang the first bell and his wife went straight to the bedroom and then he rang the second so his wife stripped n**... and then he rang the last bell and she was instantly lying on the bed with her legs in the air.
After a few minutes his wife screams out bell 4, bell 4. A confused husband asks what's bell 4?
The wife replies, "you need more hose, more hose, you're nowhere near the fire!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was told this joke by an old lady back when I was 12.
Three men are at the gates of Heaven. The first walks up to Saint Peter, who asks him how he died.
"I knew my wife was cheating on me, but I had no proof, so I went home early one day to catch her. I walked in and saw her lying n**... in bed, but I didn't see the guy anywhere. I looked in the bathroom, in the closet, under the bed... nothing. But then I looked out the window and saw a man hanging from the fire escape below me in his boxers. In a fit of rage I picked up the refrigerator beside me and threw it at him. Unfortunately, this gave me a heart attack and I died."
Saint Peter gives his condolences and lets the first man into Heaven. The second man walks up.
"So I was doing pull ups on my fire escape this when all of a sudden this refrigerator comes out of nowhere and flattens me!"
Saint Peter again expresses his condolences at the dramatic irony and lets the second man in. The third then walks up.
"So I was sitting n**... in a refrigerator..."
Visitors
Two children are lying in their beds when one says to the other: "I think mom and dad have visitors over."
The other one asks: "Why do you think that?"
The first one replies: "Mom's laughing at dad's jokes."
Five secrets of a perfect Relationship
1. It`s important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks, cleans and has a job.
2. It`s important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It`s important to have a woman you can trust and who would never lie.
4. It`s important to have a woman who is good in bed and likes being with you.
5. It`s absolutely important that these four women never meet.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So I brought this girl back to my place
and even after lying in bed for an hour, things weren't heating up at all. Finally, I got frustrated and asked her, "so are we going to have s**..., or what?"
She replied all annoyed and said, "s**...? Isn't that presumptuous?"
So I shot right back at her, "'Presumptuous?' That's a pretty big word for a 12 year old."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Disappoiting Frog!
A woman storms into a pet shop demanding her money back from the owner.
"You sold me this frog and told me it would be able to satisfy all my s**... desires!"
The clerk tries to calm her down and asks, "Did you do what I told you to do?"
"Yes, d**...! I got n**..., lay back on my bed, and put him between my legs just like you said, and he did nothing!" she shouts.
The owner, looking confused, replies, "It's a perfectly trained frog. I can't understand what's wrong."
He takes the woman and the frog to a back room in the shop, where he places the frog on a small table next to a bed and asks the woman to please lie down and remove her p**....
"What?" she shouts.
Turning to the frog, he says, "Now watch carefully, because this is the last time I'm showing you this!"
Never lie to your Mother
A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, his son volunteered, I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates.
About a week later, his roommate came to him saying,
Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?
He said , Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure. He sat down and wrote :
Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the silver plate But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, your son.
Several hours later, he received an email from his Mother which read:
Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow.
Love, Mom.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A married couple of 20 years are lying in bed
The man rolled over and said to his wife, "Hey, honey, I have a hard on that I just can't get rid of. Think you wanna help?"
The wife turned around and stripped n**....
The husband then rolled back over, closed his eyes, and said, "thanks, honey, that did the trick!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Farmer tries to breed pigs
A farmer bought some breeding pigs, but after several weeks, not one was pregnant. He called the vet for help. "Why don't you try artificial insemination" said the vet.
The farmer didn't have an inkling of what artificial insemination was, but, not wanting to appear ignorant, he said, "Okay, Doc, but how will I know when the pigs are pregnant?"
"Easy. When they lie down and wallow in the mud." The farmer hung up and came to the conclusion that artificial insemination must mean that he has to impregnate those pigs himself.
So he loaded them onto his truck, drove them out into the woods, had s**... with each of them, brought them back to the farm, and then went to bed. The next morning he woke up and checked the pigs.
Since they were all still standing around, he concluded that his first attempt didn't take, so he loaded them into the truck again, drove them into the woods, had s**... with each of them, brought them back to the farm, and went to bed. The next morning he woke up and checked the pigs. They are still just standing around.
"Once more," he told himself, and loaded them onto the truck, drove them into the woods, had s**... with each of them, brought them back to the farm, and went to bed.
The next morning, he can't even lift himself off the bed. He asked his wife to see if the pigs are wallowing in the mud yet.
"Nope," she said. "They're all in the back of the truck and one of them is honking the horn!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
s**... advice from Janet Reno
Hillary Clinton is having lunch with Janet Reno at Chipotle one day. She complains to Janet that Bill is just insatiable in bed, and sometimes wishes she had a way to deflect him.
Janet tells Hillary that whenever a she needs to fend off amorous advances, she farts as loudly as she can, and that tends to do the trick.
Hillary thinks this is a great idea and decides to try it.
That night, Hillary is lying in bed with her back to Bill's side. Bill saunters in at full mast, and just as he is lifting the covers, Hillary releases the black bean fury she had been saving since lunch. Bill, aghast exclaims "Janet?! Is that you?!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My Ex...smh
My ex girlfriend was horrible in bed. She would just lie there, screaming "HELP"
A woman and a man are lying in bed
A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.
She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens. She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi. I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrifiic. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up and the man asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me about the great time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
An old couple are lying in bed one night.
The lady turns to the man and says "I remember when we were young, you used to tell me you loved me". Grudgingly the man replies "Of course I love you". The lady says "And I remember when we were young, you would hold me closely and caress me in your arms". With a sigh, the man puts his arms around his wife and holds her close for a moment. She then continues: "And I remember when we were young, you used to nibble on my ear". With that the man abruptly threw off the covers, got up and strode across the bedroom. "What's wrong?" said his wife. He replied, "Got to go and put my teeth in!"
A man is lying on his death bed...
And he decides to share his will.
"My daughter, you get the high rises," he says,
"My son, you get everything south of the river," he says,
"And my wife, you get everything else."
Then he dies.
After this, the nurse says to his wife, "Wow, that sure was a lot of properties.
The wife says, "Properties? That was his paper route!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Curious Little Boy
A little boy is at the park with his mother and father. While walking around, he sees 2 dogs, one being mounted and other other h**... furiously. "What are they doing"? The little boy ask his parents. The father thinking quickly says "Making a puppy" and the boy accepts this answer and they are on there way. Later that night, as the boy lies in bed, he gets up to go ask his parents for a glass of water. He walks in to see his day laying on top of his mother, face to face, h**... furiously." Daddy, what are you doing to mommy" The dad, extremely embarrassed, saying the first thing that pops into his brain "We're making a baby". The boy looks at his parents one more time before he responds "Turn her over, I'd rather have a puppy"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A tall woman and a midget
A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely three feet tall but they were attracted to each other. After a few drinks they went back to the tall woman's apartment.
I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget, said the woman, especially with the size difference and all.
Just t**... clothes, lie back on the bed, spread your legs apart and close your eyes, said the midget.
The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest thing she'd ever experienced inside her. Within a few minutes the woman had climaxed eight times.
If you think that was good, said the midget with a smirk, Just wait till I get BOTH legs in there!
This joke was like "The Aristocrats" back in the day - question was how much you could elaborate it ...
Guy on a business trip gets to chatting with an attractive woman at the hotel bar and both of them being a little drunk, they wind up together in his bedroom.
So he's lying in bed watching her get ready, and first thing he sees is her take off her false eyelashes.
Then her false fingernails.
Then her wig.
Then her artificial arm.
Whereupon he says, "Hey honey - when you get to the part I want, throw it over here!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So a man is set up on a blind date with a Sunday school teacher...
He was worried about possibly going out with a p**... but decided to give it a shot anyway. He took her out to dinner and asked what kind of wine should they order. She responded "Oh no, I couldn't have a drink. What would I tell my Sunday school?"
Disappointed, he realized this date was getting a little lame.
As they left the restaurant he offered her a cigarette.
"Oh no, I couldn't have a cigarette. What would I tell my Sunday school?"
Well he decided to drive her home as it didn't look like the night was going anywhere.
As they drove down the Boulevard they passed a motel. The woman looked hard at the man and said "Do you want to get a room?"
Stunned, the man pulled over, got a room and she proceeded to give him the wildest night of his life.
Lying spent on the bed, the man said "Wow... That was fantastic! But... What will you tell the Sunday school?"
"You don't have to drink and smoke to have a good time."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Old Farts Football
One night, an elderly couple lies in bed when all of a sudden the wife farts. She giggles and says "touchdown, 7 to nothing". The husband was startled by this, but not wanting to lose he tried as hard as he could to f**... and tie the game. He tried so hard, that he sharted. The wife questioned what the odd noise was, and the husband replied "after a quick first half, the second half is starting so we better switch sides".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Fourth husband
A wife was lying in her bed with her fourth husband, they were just married and very much in love. Says the wife, "please be gentle, I am still a v**...." So the husband asks, "how can you be a v**... if you've been married three times?".
Says the wife:
My first husband was a psychiatrist: when it came to my cooch, all he wanted to do was talk about it.
My second husband was a gynaecologist: when it came to my cooch, all he wanted to do was look at it.
My third husband was a stamp collector. *sigh* I miss that man.
LIAR
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's his name?
A man walks into a bedroom and sees a hot, n**... woman lying face-down on the bed.
Q: What's his name?
A: w**... Turner
Q: What's *her* name?
A: Betty Will
I just got home and found someone had stolen my bed!
I walked in and it was gone.
Honestly, i'm not lying
Newspaper ad - RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:
1. WON'T BEAT ME UP
2. WON'T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED
For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail...all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.
Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?"
"Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run away."
The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in bed?"
To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A young korean couple are lying in bed...
When the guy starts f**... nonstop.
The girl, unable to take the smell, says, "Stop, that's disgusting!"
"Don't blame me", the guy says. "It's the dog."
"Oh, don't blame him", she says. "He was cooked perfectly."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman is lying in bed with her lover
"You should leave, my husband can come back home any minute now."
"Don't worry, whenever we hear the doorbell ring I will jump out of the window."
"Are you crazy? It's 11th floor."
"Everything is arranged. I asked my friends to stretch out and hold a big canvas for me to jump on."
Suddenly, the doorbell rings. Without a second thought, the lover quickly jumps out of the bed and leaps through the window. The woman stands up and opens the door where she sees an impatient man standing.
"I'm sorry, mam. Could you tell Bill that we c**... find the canvas?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old man was in hospital. Lying in bed, he leaned over to the pretty young nurse attending to him and whispered in her ear "Give us a kiss, luv!"
"No!", replied the nurse
"Oh go on!", said the man
"No!", replied the nurse again
"Please!", begged the old man, "Just a quick p**... on the cheek?"
"For the last time, no!", said the nurse, "I shouldn't even be w**... you off!"
I knew my girlfriend was cheating on me when she texted me saying
I knew my girlfriend was cheating on me when she texted me saying "I'm out for dinner with my friend Emma" because Emma was lying beside me in bed
It's 2 am. A teenage girl climbs up a brick wall and slowly shimmies through her open bedroom window
"Click!" Suddenly, light quickly engulfs the room. The girl discovers her mother siting on her bed with her right hand on the lamp string and a large angry grin of disapproval on her face.
Mother - "What happened to your 12 am curfew?! Where were you??!"
Daughter - "Sigh... I'm sorry mom! Yes I meant to call... I was at Shirley's house and lost track of time! Geez!"
Mother - "That lie you just told is gonna cost you your phone for a month! Your father called me half an hour ago, he's out drinking at his favorite bar with his work friend where he said he saw you with some boy! What were you thinking?! you're underage!"
Daughter - "UGH! Mom Chill! Yes I lied ok? That boy was just my friend Daniel! You know THAT Daniel??? It was his Birthday so me and Shirley got fake I.D's and took him to a Gay Bar to mingle! What's the big deal?!..."
Getting in bed
An old couple prepares to go to sleep. The man gets in bed, but the woman lies down on the floor.
The old man asks, "Why are you on the floor?"
The old woman replies, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change."
Al Lubel: Night Panic
I was lying in bed last night, I got scared: 'What if I died right now from very immensely, incredibly delayed crib death?'
My wife and I were lying in bed the other day...
My hands were slowly finding their way across her body.
I whispered, "I'm gonna make you the happiest woman in the world."
She whispered back, "I'll miss you."
Chicken and an egg
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken lights up a cigarette. The egg, with a dissatisfied look on it's face, rolls over and remarks, "Well, I guess we answered that question."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An undertaker comes home with a black eye.
"What happened to you?"asks his wife."I had a terrible day," replies the undertaker. "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When i got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge e**... .Anyway, I find the room and sure enough, there's this big n**... guy lying on the bed with this huge e**....So I did what I always do; I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half." "I see,"says his wife."But how did you get the black eye? "The undertaker replies,"Wrong room."
The Husband's Best Friend
A woman meets with her lover, who is also her husband's best friend.
They make love for hours. Afterwards, as they lie in bed, the phone rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:
"Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called... Really? That's wonderful... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Love you, too. OK. Bye-bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh," she replies, "That was my husband telling me about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Mexican lying on his death bed
The sick Mexican was lying on his death bed. He had only hours to live when suddenly he smelled tamales. He loved tamales more than anything else in the world, especially his wife's tamales.
With every last bit of energy left in his body, the sick Mexican pulled himself out of bed, across the floor, down the hall, and into the kitchen. He saw that his wife was removing a fresh batch of tamales from the stove top. As he reached for one of the freshly made tamales, his wife smacked him in with a wooden spoon.
"Leave them alone, c**..., they're for the f**...."
I guy I know thought he was a truly fantastic lover...
But it turns out all the women who told him that were lying in bed.
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO LIVE HAPPY LIFE!
1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, whom you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be in it with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A v**... goes to a brothel for his first time.
The woman takes him into a room and says, "We're going to try this position called 69. I think you'll like it."
He lies down on the bed. She gets on top and they start going at it. Everything is fine for the first few minutes, and then she lets out a huge f**..., right in the guy's face. She apologizes and they get back to business.
A few minutes later, she rips another f**..., bigger than the first one.
"Oh my god! I'm so sorry! Are you ok?"
"Yeah, I'm fine," he says. "I don't think I can take another 67 of those, though."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman lying on her death bed wanted all to know she was a v**.......
She asked that her headstone would forever read:
'Born a v**..., lived a v**... and died a v**...'.
When the stonemason was making her headstone, he ran out of space so just carved:
'Returned unopened'.
After hearing about how her son was involved in a tragic accident, the mother rushes to the hospital
There she sees her son lying in a coma in bed with a doctor watching over him.
Completely disheartened, she asks the doctor:
"What state is my son in?"
To which the doctor replies:
"Err, Oregon?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The wife
I'm in trouble with my wife. We were lying in bed n**... and she says to me " What would you like to do most with my body?"
Apparently " identify it" wasn't the answer she was expecting..
Who Came First
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on it's face.
The egg, looking very hacked off, grabs the quilt, rolls over and says, "Well, we finally answered THAT question!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The man came home early from work to find his wife lying n**... on the bed, crying her eyes out.
What's wrong? he asked.
I've got nothing to wear to the dance tomorrow night, she
sobbed.
Oh come on now! You've plenty of clothes, and with that
he went over to the wardrobe. See here, there's the nice
pink dress, the pale blue skirt, the yellow cocktail dress, hi
there Tom, the green silk gown…
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Mr. & Mrs. Blobby are lying in bed.
Mrs. Blobby says "Blob blib blob blub blob blob"
Mr. Blobby then says "Just be quiet and s**..."
Astrology joke
I've got a cousin who was born with a rare condition that renders him speechless, deaf, blind, immobile, and unable to talk. He mostly lies in bed in a hospital, and we feed him through tubes. But underneath all that, you can totally tell he's got that typical wacky Capricorn sense of humor.