Lying Bed Jokes

Patient: "Doctor, I can’t sleep."
Doctor: "Lie at of edge of your bed and you will sleep off."

So a guy lies on his death bed.

An old man is on his death bed. His entire family is by his side. He asks his daughter "Anna, are you there?" His daughter Anna says "yes father im here." The man then asks " What about my son is he here?" His son says "yes im here." "What about my grandkids," the old man said, growing more raspy. "We are here too grandpa," the grandkids said. "Everyone is here, arent they," he says, "Then why is the kitchen light on?"

A married couple is lying in bed.

The wife leans over and says, "I want you to say dirty things before we start". So the man starts to caress her neck and whispers to here. "Living room, Bathroom, Kitchen".

hello, hello ! 911 ? 911 ?

Yes, Sir, what happened ?
"I think my wife's dead". "What happened, Sir ?" "Well...she's lying in bed, cold and stiff as usual, but the dishes haven't been done in 3 days !"

Visitors

Two children are lying in their beds when one says to the other: "I think mom and dad have visitors over."
The other one asks: "Why do you think that?"
The first one replies: "Mom's laughing at dad's jokes."

Five secrets of a perfect Relationship

1. It`s important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks, cleans and has a job.
2. It`s important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It`s important to have a woman you can trust and who would never lie.
4. It`s important to have a woman who is good in bed and likes being with you.
5. It`s absolutely important that these four women never meet.

A woman and a man are lying in bed

A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.
She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens. She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi. I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrifiic. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up and the man asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me about the great time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

A man is lying on his death bed...

And he decides to share his will.
"My daughter, you get the high rises," he says,
"My son, you get everything south of the river," he says,
"And my wife, you get everything else."
Then he dies.
After this, the nurse says to his wife, "Wow, that sure was a lot of properties.
The wife says, "Properties? That was his paper route!"

I just got home and found someone had stolen my bed!

I walked in and it was gone.
Honestly, i'm not lying

I knew my girlfriend was cheating on me when she texted me saying

I knew my girlfriend was cheating on me when she texted me saying "I'm out for dinner with my friend Emma" because Emma was lying beside me in bed

Getting in bed

An old couple prepares to go to sleep. The man gets in bed, but the woman lies down on the floor.
The old man asks, "Why are you on the floor?"
The old woman replies, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change."

Al Lubel: Night Panic

I was lying in bed last night, I got scared: 'What if I died right now from very immensely, incredibly delayed crib death?'

My wife and I were lying in bed the other day...

My hands were slowly finding their way across her body.
I whispered, "I'm gonna make you the happiest woman in the world."
She whispered back, "I'll miss you."

Chicken and an egg

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken lights up a cigarette. The egg, with a dissatisfied look on it's face, rolls over and remarks, "Well, I guess we answered that question."

I guy I know thought he was a truly fantastic lover...

But it turns out all the women who told him that were lying in bed.

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO LIVE HAPPY LIFE!

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, whom you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be in it with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other

After hearing about how her son was involved in a tragic accident, the mother rushes to the hospital

There she sees her son lying in a coma in bed with a doctor watching over him.
Completely disheartened, she asks the doctor:
"What state is my son in?"
To which the doctor replies:
"Err, Oregon?"

Who Came First

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on it's face.
The egg, looking very hacked off, grabs the quilt, rolls over and says, "Well, we finally answered THAT question!"

Astrology joke

I've got a cousin who was born with a rare condition that renders him speechless, deaf, blind, immobile, and unable to talk. He mostly lies in bed in a hospital, and we feed him through tubes. But underneath all that, you can totally tell he's got that typical wacky Capricorn sense of humor.

One morning I woke up lying on the floor next to my bed. I realised there must have been an earthquake that night........

I was shaken, but not stirred :p

A guy was lying down on a hospital bed, waiting for his doctor to arrive

After 4 hours, the doctor arrived, all sweaty and tired.
"Sorry I'm late." The doctor said, "I had to attend my son's baseball game."
The guy replied, "It's okay doc, I'm patient."

My girlfriend asked me to lie in bed with her

So she got in bed, and i said "I'm sleeping with someone else."

Lying in bed after a bad day, I always stick my feet out through the gap in my blanket.

I lie the feet-hole position.

What do you call it when a woman lies in bed with two handicapped boys who lack 1 arm and 1 leg?

911 (noone will get it 100%)

I bought a girl flowers and she thought I expected something in return...

She said "oh, so you just expect me to go in the bedroom and lie on the bed with me legs up?"
I said " you don't have a vase?"
-Tahir Bilgic

A guy and a girl are lying in bed after a hookup.

"Listen," the guy says, "do you have that certificate that says you don't have stds?"
"Yeah, I do."
"Well you can throw that away"

My dad told me to get out of bed and go to school.

I said no because I couldn't take this lying down!

A girl is lying in bed.

But then again, all girls have lied in bed at one point or the other

Clark Kent was lying in his death bed with his wife Lois Lane beside him.

After some time, Lois said Darling, I have to confess something. Years ago, I had an affair with Superman. It was only one night, but I've regretted it ever since. I hope you can forgive me.
You don't need to worry about that because, Clark said as he took off his glasses, I am Superman! Even if you didn't know it was me, in my eyes you were always faithful.
Oh thank God! said Lois. I can't tell you what a weight that is off my chest.
Glad we cleared that up, said Clark.
So I guess this means you were Batman too.
—Credit goes to cartoonist Zach Weinersmith