Silly & Ridiculous Lunch Jokes to Spread Joy & Laughter
A colon in a sentence can make a huge difference
For example:
Johnny ate his own lunch after school.
Johnny ate his own colon after school.
My wife texted "I'm leaving you"
And followed with "after lunch to go shopping with my sister."
I asked why in the world she sent the message that way. "I just wanted you to realize how good you have it with me."
I texted her back "Remind your sister she said she would come over later to give me a hand job"
A minute later I finished the message "-searching and resume building."
My wife told me to get our ginger son ready for his first day at school
So I punched him in the face and stole his lunch money
If your mother-in-law and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose...
would you go to lunch or a movie?
Lunch theif
At work, I constantly found my lunch to be missing from the lunchroom fridge. I decided to get back at this thief, so I began making two lunches; one with a very strong laxative, and the other without. I hid my regular lunch towards the back of the fridge, wrote my name on both of these bags. Needless to say, weight gain and terrible diarrhea are bad ways to discover I have Alzheimer's.
Yet another genie in the lamp joke
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Poof! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.' Poof! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
It is Fred's first day in prison.
After spending the morning being processed, he is taken to the huge mess hall for lunch. He finds a seat at a table full of inmates who look like they have been behind bars for years. Suddenly, an inmate stands in the middle of the room and yells, "41!" As he sits down, the room erupts in laughter. Then another prisoner stands and yells, "123!" Again, there is laughter throughout the room.
Puzzled, Fred asks the inmate sitting next to him what's going on. "Well," the older inmate says, "Most of us have been here so long that we have heard all the jokes. So we just number them and use the number."
Fred says, "I love to tell jokes! Give me one."
"Okay," says the older inmate. "Everybody loves old 72. It always gets a big laugh"
Fred stands up, waits for the laughter to die down from the last joke, and yells, "72!" There is nothing but silence as hundreds of inmates just turn and stare at him.
Fred sits down and looks at the inmate who gave him the number.
"What happened?" he asks.
The older man shrugs and says, "Some people just can't tell a joke."
Priest and Rabbi
A priest and a rabbi were having lunch and the priest asked, "Have you ever strayed from not eating pork?" The rabbi said, "Well, once, but there was absolutely nothing else to eat, so I had a ham sandwich."
Then the rabbi asked the priest, "Did you ever stray from your vow of celibacy?" The priest said, "Yes, just once."
And the rabbi said, "Sure beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
3 priests at lunch
So three priests are out to lunch.
One priest goes off about his problem with bats at his church,
"I've tried everything to get rid of them, they just won't leave."
The second priest relates to the first,
"I know! I've tried everything! Cats, spray, noise, light. They just won't go away."
The third priest says,
"Well, I baptized my bats; confirmed them and made them the newest members of my parish, haven't seen one since."
Why did the banker eat lunch by himself?
Because he was a loaner.
Why I dislike this sub:
There's not enough cheese and bacon on it. I think I'll go to a different place for lunch next time.
You can explore lunch food reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean lunch dinner dad jokes. There are also lunch puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Woman greets mailman at her mailbox, invites him in, they make passionate love, then she makes him a lunch fit for a king and then hands him a $1 bill.
Flabbergasted mailman says: "My goodness that was outstanding, wonderful, thank you, I really appreciate it. May I ask why you did all this for me?"
Woman says: "I told my husband you were retiring and suggested we do something for you and he said "screw the mailman, give him a dollar", the lunch was my idea."
Two engineers are meeting for lunch
Two engineers are meeting for lunch. The second arrives on a bicycle that the first doesn't recognize.
"Where did you get the bike? " the first asks.
The second explained, "It was the weirdest thing. I was walking over here when a beautiful woman rode up on the bike, hopped off, tore off all her clothes and said 'take what you want!' So I took the bike."
"Good call," mused the first, "the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
Two American tourists were driving through Nova Scotia.
Two American tourists were driving through Nova Scotia.
As they were approaching Shubenacadde (shoe-been-ack-id-dee), they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?
Would you please pronounce where we are... ver-r-ry slo-o-owly?"
The waitress leaned over the counter and says, "Tiiimmmmm Hoorrrrttooonnns"
What are two things dinosaurs can't have for dinner?
Breakfast and lunch.
I'll show myself out now
My boss told me not to bring my lunch to work in a brown paper bag.
I told him that I'll drink my lunch how I want.
2 surgeons are sitting down having lunch.
They are both engaged in a conversation when all of a sudden, one of the surgeons starts laughing hysterically. A dermatologist walks over to their table to join them. He asked the surgeons, "what's so funny?" One of the surgeons replies, " you wouldn't understand. It's an inside joke. "
I got really hungry when we visited the Alpaca Farm,
next time Alpaca lunch.
A black hole and a nebula go out to lunch...
A black hole and a nebula are at a restaurant. The nebula orders a ginormous amount of food and the black hole only orders a drink and a small appetizer.
The nebula says the the black hole, "Are you sure you don't want more?"
The black hole replies, "Nah, I eat light"
Pakistani math problem.
Ahmed has 3 lunch boxes.
He gives one to Mohammed and another to Hassan. Calculate the radius of the explosion.
What did one plate say to the other?
"Lunch is on me."
the heads of Coors, Budweiser and Guinness go to lunch.
So, the heads of Coors, Budweiser and Guinness are all sitting in a restaurant. When the waitress comes over she takes their drinks order first
- 'Ill have a silver bullet' says the Coors guy
- 'Ill have the king of beers' says the Budweiser guy
- 'Lemonade please' says the head of Guinness
The other two look at him ... 'Lemonade?'
'Well if you're not drinking beer neither am I'
Happy Ramadan to all my Muslim brothers and sisters!
This month, lunch is on me.
What's the difference between a burger, and a blow job?
You don't know?
Let's do lunch sometime!
Guy wakes up to breakfast in bed...
his lunch is made, and he notices he's late for work. Frantically, he calls work, and they let him know that his wife already called to let them know he would be late.
He asks his son what happened that his mom was so happy. The son says "Dad, you came home drunk last night, and mom brought you to bed, and when she tried to take your shirt off, you said 'Get off me lady, I'm married!"
I know a mathematician who can't afford lunch.
He can binomial.
A Texas farmer was touring England. He happened to meet an English farmer and asked him, "What size farm do you have?"
The Englishman proudly announced, "Thirty-five acres!"
"Thirty-five acres?" the Texan scoffed. "Why, I can get in my truck at 8:00 AM and start driving and at noon, I am still on my farm. I can eat lunch and start driving again and at 5:00 PM I am still on my farm.
"Ah, yes," the Englishman nodded in understanding. "I had a truck like that once."
My highschool bully still takes my lunch money...
But on the upside, he makes great Subway sandwiches!
My wife called me at work today.
"Honey, do you want to come home at lunch for a quickie?"
"Sarah, it's pronounced Quiche."
My secretary reminds me of my wife.
I was unbuttoning her blouse at lunch today when she said, "remember, you have a wife."
A mother takes her three son's to enroll in school. The teacher asks.
A mother takes her three son's to enroll in school. The teacher asks.
Teacher: What are your son's names?
Lady: This boy's name is Leroy, this other boy's name is Leroy, and Leroy here is my third son's name.
Teacher: Isn't it confusing having all three boy's named the same?
Lady: Oh no, you see when it's time for lunch I just holler out the door, Leroy! it's time for lunch, and they all come a runnin. When it's time for dinner I just holler out the door, Leroy! it's time for dinner and they all come a runnin.
Teacher: Ok, so what do you do when you want a specific boy?
Lady: Oh, well then I just holler out their last name.
God is watching
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE . God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples
So I was teaching my brother English...
I told him to skip the first "H" when reading or pronouncing words (e.g. honour, hour, honest etc.) Later that day I told him to heat my lunch in the microwave... let's just say I didn't have any lunch.
My favourite exercise
is a cross between a crunch and a lunge... it's called lunch.
Why are plants so skinny?
They usually have a light lunch.
The teacher asks her students to use the word "contagious" in a sentence.
Jenny pipes up instantly; "My mum has the flu, I think it's contagious!".
"Excellent work!", the teacher responds. "Anyone else have an example? What about you Seamus?"
Seamus McDougall, the new Irish exchange student, thinks for a moment.
"M' Pa made me lunch t'day, but it took the contagious!".
A resourceful woman...
A woman gets into a very busy restaurant around lunch time.
She is told the next available table would be free in an hour.
She holds her phone to her ear, and with a loud voice says:
"*Honey, you won't believe it, but your husband is having lunch with his girlfriend at so-and-so restaurant*"
Half the diners instantly get up and rush to the exit..
After my mother's funeral, we all went for lunch at an Indian restaurant. When the waiter came to check that we had everything on our order he noticed my daughter crying.
He asked me what was wrong, I told him she was just missing her nan.
What happened when the cannibal was late for lunch?
He was given the cold shoulder.
I don't understand why people have threesomes
If I wanted to disappoint two people at once, I'd just get lunch with my parents
Visiting my first grade son at school lunch today...
Me: How is school going so far?
Son: Good, I had a test.
Me: What was your test on?
Son: Paper.
I came up with this joke during lunch break: What do you call a jewish obstacle course?
Shlalom
The gym teacher gets a handgun, the janitor gets a shot gun, and the principal gets an uzi. What do they arm the lunch lady with?
A salt rifle
Smart waitress
A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?" She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."
To this day, my bully that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.
On the positive side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.
The use of a colon can really change the intended meaning of a sentence.
Jimmy went to school and ate his lunch
becomes
Jimmy went to school and ate his colon
Old German joke
An eight-year old boy had never spoken a word. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, The soup is cold."
His astonished mother exclaimed, Son, I've waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven't you spoken before?"
The boy looked at her and replied, Up until now, everything has been satisfactory."
Two English tourists were driving through Wales.At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch they stopped for lunch they asked the waitress: Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument.Can you pronounce where we are,very,very,slowly?"
The girl leaned over and said:
Burrr… gurrr… King.
A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.
One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.
As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?"
"He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."
My wife asked me to prepare our 4 year old ginger son for his first day at school.
So I punched him & stole his lunch money.
Two Karens are having lunch together
The waiter stops by and asks "Is anything okay?"
Someone stole my jar of mayonnaise at lunch today
I was like, What the Hellman?
Where are we?
Not mine:
Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee. "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly? The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing."
My boss came to me at lunch: "Where the hell have you been? I've been trying to find you all morning!"
I shrugged and said: "Good employees are hard to find."
I ate a kids meal at McDonald's for lunch today
His mom was pissed
Three Engineers are eating lunch together and arguing.
The mechanical engineer is adamant that God must be a mechanical engineer because the human body is so well designed. The software engineer is just as sure that God must be a software engineer as the human mind is the most sophisticated software in the known universe. Suddenly they stop arguing and look at the civil engineer, "you've been awefully quiet?"
"Well it's pretty obvious that God isn't a civil engineer. No civil engineer would combine a recreational area with a sewage treatment plant."
Boss shows up at a job site
Boss: "Bob where were you I've been looking for you since morning!!!!! It's lunch time already!!!!"
Bob: "Boss, a good employee is hard to find."
Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter for 4 people? I'm still looking for 2 more adults to join me and my wife.
We leave early Saturday morning (Feb 6th) from New York and will fly to Boston , where we will have breakfast, then have lunch on a friend's yacht.
Then we'll do a flight along the coast, up to Cape Elizabeth returning to Boston for dinner, then fly back home. If interested, please message me.
Preferably someone with a helicopter and yacht, otherwise we can't go.
One day, I asked my English Teacher, "Why do we ignore some letters in pronunciation eg. the letter H ...in Hour, Honour. ...etc. ...??????
My English Teacher said, " We are not ignoring them; they're considered silent "....... (I was even more confused .....?????)
During the lunch break, my Teacher gave me her packed lunch and asked me to heat it in the Cafeteria.
I ate all the food and returned her the empty container. ....!!!!!!!
My English Teacher : What happened? I told you to go and HEAT my food, you are returning me an empty container.
I replied, "sir, I thought 'H' was silent.
Two old guys are working at a sewage treatment plant
One guy goes off to lunch and comes back to find his buddy standing above a vat of sewage with a long rake.
"What are you doing?!" he yells
"My coat fell in" his buddy yells back
"You're not really gonna wear that again are you?!"
"No, no. Gosh no, I'm not going to wear it. I have to get it back though, My teeth are in the pocket!"
(Just a silly joke my granddad told me yesterday. Didnt see it when I searched the sub so figured yall might enjoy)
2 married ladies are having lunch in a coffee shop...
One lady whispers 'I'm getting a boob job'
2nd lady: 'That's nothing, I'm getting my assh\*le bleached'
1st lady says: 'Really? I can't imagine your husband as a blonde'
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large tray of hot dogs. The nun posted a sign on the hot dog tray, "Take only one. God is watching."
Further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. One child whispered to another, "Take all you want. God is watching the hot dogs."
What did the lunch lady say to Luke Skywalker?
*"Use the forks, Luke."*
A colon in a sentence can make it memorable
Jane ate her friend's lunch.
Jane ate her friend's colon.
See what I mean?
The kid that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.
On the other hand, he makes great Subway sandwiches.
Whilst driving through Wales with my pal, we stopped off at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch for lunch.
I asked the waitress, "Could you settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very slowly?" The waitress replied, "Burr gerr King!"
A new law
Two guys walk into a bar and order lunch. "What brings you guys in today?" the bartender asks. "I guess you haven't heard yet. The mayor passed a law yesterday to try to help out local restaurants during Covid-19. All adult males are required to go and eat lunch out with their best male friends at least once a week," one of the guys answers the bartender. "Well it's not a law really," the other guy corrects him. "It's more of a mandate."
What do nuclear plants serve their workers for lunch?
Fission Chips
My co-worker told me to retire after this one
My co-worker just bought a new Kia Forte. We were heading to lunch one day and he drove. While in the car I say to him, Man this is a nice car, I was going to ask if I can drive it, but it's not my forte . He usually hates the dad jokes but I got him with that one.
Two things you can't eat for breakfast
Lunch and dinner
I ate some alphabet soup and some laxatives for lunch
I'm about to have a vowel movement
Two Southern Baptist ministers are having lunch
And as they often do, they start ranting about the immorality found in society. One of them starts ranting about pre-marital sex. "It's a sin, I tell you, all of these young kids having relations outside the holy covenant of marriage. Well, I can tell you one thing, I didn't have sex with my wife before we were married - how about you?"
The other minister thinks for a second and says "I don't think so - what was her maiden name?"
A guy walks into a small town bar
A guy walks into his favorite small-town bar and checks out the "Daily Lunch Specials" on the white board. "Alligator is the daily special?" he asks the bartender incredulously. "Where the heck did you learn how to cook alligator?" "Oh, it's easy to make," the bartender assures him. "You just toss it in the Croc pot."
A rabbi & a Catholic priest met at an interfaith conference
They decided to take a break for lunch together. While reading the menu, the priest asked a question.
"From what I know of your people Rabbi, you are not supposed to eat pork. Have you ever actually tried it?"
"Well, yes" said the rabbi "A couple of times. Now tell ME, Father- I've heard that your people are supposed to be celibate. So have YOU ever...?"
"um" the priest stumbled "in my youth, once or twice..."
"Better than pork, isn't it?!"
Little Timmy leaves right after lunch at school
so the teacher tells him to stop. "That's not how we do things, Timmy, what does your dad say after a meal?"
Timmy looks at the teacher and says "Whelp! Better go take a shit."
I've had constipation for 3 months
Never been to the doctors in years, but took myself there as not had a number 2 in a long time.
Doc says "what have you been eating"?
I said well doc I've been eating snooker balls!!
What?? Snooker balls Charlie??
Yes doc, in the morning I have 3 reds a pink, bowl porridge and a nice cup of tea.
Lunch is a sandwich a black, 2 reds and a yellow washed down with another cup of tea.
For dinner I have a nice steak, 4 reds 2 blues 1 brown again washed down with a nice cup of tea.
Doc said "hey Charlie I know where you're going wrong, you ain't eating enough greens!!"
An American cannibal visits Germany. What does he have for lunch?
A Hamburger.
