Lumber Jokes
110 lumber jokes and hilarious lumber puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about lumber that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Make your workday funnier with a collection of the best Lumber Jokes! Laugh out loud at jokes about lumber yards, the high price of lumber, tools like the toolbox and firewood, and, of course, chopping wood. Get ready to have a ball with these hilarious puns!
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Funniest Lumber Short Jokes
Short lumber jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The lumber humour may include short timber jokes also.
- Imagine being in Walmart during the zombie apocalypse On one side are lumbering, fat things with mucus coming out there nose dragging themselves across the ground and on the other side are zombies
- What did the pine say to the oak when both were being chopped down for lumber? Life is such a beech.
- I wanted to invest in Lumber Liquidators... But wood stock hasn't been viable sincs the 60s.
- Why are wooden chairs good for back pain? They have lumber support!
(I'm sorry for this my brother came up with it) - A lumberjack went to a doctor complaining of back pain and can't carry heavy logs. He was told he didn't have enough lumber support.
- Q: what did one lumber jack say to another lumber jack? A: "I need to axe you a question."
- Did you hear about all the loggers who got back problems? I heard they had poor lumber support
- I just got to playing Lumber Simulator I think I'm gonna quick though. There's too many hackers.
- My friend asked me why there were protests at the lumber mill the other day. I told him they were protesting the Christopher the lumberous statue.
- Whenever I buy a new chair I always make sure it's made of wood. They have excellent lumber support.
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Lumber One Liners
Which lumber one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with lumber? I can suggest the ones about wood log and firewood.
- I like my beers like I like my lumber; 2 by 4:00
- I hurt my back while cutting down a tree. Guess you could say I have lumber problems.
- I want to start a all brass quartet with a lumber theme. I'll call it the tuba four.
- I once dated a girl at a lumber yard... I got wood every time I saw her.
- What do you call a pig that's a lumber jack? Well you call him porkchop
- I have got to quit my job at the lumber yard I am SOOO board
- Where does the lumber mill keep their records? In log books
- How do lumber theives offload their stolen goods? They fence it.
- I repurposed some lumber. It was ex-siding.
- I wanted to build a house but I stopped after the first lumber delivery. I got board.
- What size lumber is used to build homes in Dubai? Dubai fours
- What did the bartender say to the scrap lumber? Your cutoff
- What did the choir girl say to the lumber jack? I love the timbre of your voice.
- What happened to the tree when the lumber jack hit on it? It got all sappy
- Where does lumber go to file complaints? The Board.
Lumber Jack Jokes
Here is a list of funny lumber jack jokes and even better lumber jack puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Who does the Queen of Hearts send to cut down a tree? The Lumber-Jack.
- What is a Lumber-Jack from Massachusetts' favorite drink? A Boston Logger.
- So a lumber jack was severely injured this evening... It was quite the accident.
Lumber Mill Jokes
Here is a list of funny lumber mill jokes and even better lumber mill puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A buddy was recently in an accident at the lumber mill, he lost his left entire left arm and leg at about mid thigh... He just got out of the hospital and is all right now.
- What did the lumber mill say to the arriving wood? Saw dude?
Lumber Yard Jokes
Here is a list of funny lumber yard jokes and even better lumber yard puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I had a job at a lumber yard, but I soon got board.
Howlingly Hilarious Lumber Jokes for All Ages to Enjoy
What funny jokes about lumber you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean hardwood jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make lumber pranks.
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree
When he got there, he started to swing at a tree when it suddenly shouted, Wait! I'm a talking tree!
The lumberjack laughed and said, And you will dialogue.
Jeb and Jethro
Jeb and Jethro live in the hills, about 5 miles outside of town. Jeb asks Jethro to go in to town to pick up some lumber. Jethro walks the 5 miles to town to the local
lumberyard.
"Jeb says we're gonna need some 4 x 2's" Jethro tells the yardman.
"Do you mean 2 x 4's?" asks the yardman.
"Well, I don't rightly know, I better go ask Jeb" says Jethro and walks the 10 miles to the hills and back to town.
"Jeb says we're gonna need 2 x 4's" Jethro tells the yardman.
"Now, how many 2 x 4's will you need?" asks the yardman.
"Well, I don't rightly know, I better go ask Jeb." says Jethro, and again walks the 10 miles to the hills and back to town.
"Jeb says were gonna need about 40 of 'em" Jethro tells the yardman.
"Now, how long will you need them?" asks the yardman.
"Well, I don't rightly know, I better go ask Jeb" says Jethro and yet again walks the 10 miles to the hills and back to town.
Upon returning Jethro says to the yardman, "Jeb says you better give 'em to us for a while . . . we're gonna build a barn."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Riding the Bus for the First Time is Like Losing Your Virginity to a Cheap h**....
You wait around to find a nice taxi, but none appear.And then all of a sudden, you see this giant non-appealing thing lumber towards you. You give up your hopes and pay then fee of 1.50 and enter the massive doors that, over the years have been modified to fit fairly large occupants. For the next 20 or so minutes,it's a very bumpy ride, stop and go. Then you realize there have been elderly, handicapped, both physically and mentally, spewing their b**... fluids everywhere. Then when you get were you needed to go, you immediately regret it. And then you never see the exact same bus again.
If this joke was terrible, it's because it was both original and my first, all let myself out.
Why couldn't the lumberjack sign into Facebook?
Because he was logged out!
Lumberjacks are good at maths because of their log rhythms
Thanks, HL Math.
What's a lumberjacks favorite animal?
A TIMBERwolf
What did the lumberjack cobbler make?
Wooden shoe like to know?
Two Lumberjacks were killed during a recent hurricane. The next day's headline read: "Nature Shows Idiomatic Side; Kills Two Beards with One Storm".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a M2F t**...?
A lumber jack.
A lumberjack applies for a job...
...the interviewer asks, "so, where have you worked previously?"
The lumberjack replies, "I did a few years in the Sahara Forest."
The interviewer, taken aback, inquires, "the Sahara 'Forest?' Don't you mean the Sahara Desert?"
Lumberjack says, "yeah, that's what they call it now."
Why was the lumberjack executed?
He committed treeson.
What did the lumberjack say when his colleague went home sick?
Hope you fell better tomorrow.
An Irish Lumberjack
A large Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny Irishman showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the Foreman's door.
The Foreman took one look at the small Irishman and told him to leave. "Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the Irishman.
"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the Foreman. "Take your axe and go cut it down."
The Irishman headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the Foreman's door.
"I cut the tree down," said the Irishman.
"*Holy smokes!*" Said the Formean. "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"
"In the Sahara Forest," replied the Irishman.
Confused, the Forman asked "...don't you mean the Sahara Desert?"
"Is that what they call it now?"
What do you call a French wood-cutter?
A Lumber Jaques
Why are lumberjacks bad at online video games?
Because their connections are so weak they are always logging out.
What does a lumberjack and a trio of Irishmen have in common?
They're both tree fellers.
Why did the lumberjack stretch the wood?
To keep them nice and timber.
There are three lumber jacks.
There is an Italian guy, a Polish guy, and a Chinese guy. The boss puts the Italian guy in charge of cutting down the trees, the Polish guy in charge of carrying the logs and the Chinese guy in charge of supplies. He tells the men he'll be back in a few hours to check on their progress. When he returns, the Italian guy is chopping the trees and the Polish guy is carrying the logs, but he can't find the Chinese guy. All he sees is a wall of boxes stacked up. As he walks towards the boxes, the Chinese guy jumps out from behind them and yells "SUPPLIES!"
Why did the lumberjack stop chopping trees?
Because he had an axeident.
I'm surprised the young lumber industry isn't prospering
Especially with so much wood on the rise.
If a lumberjack becomes a dentist...
Then would his job be accidental?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A lumberjack has s**... with a witch, gets his soul trapped inside a jigsaw, and seeks revenge by ruining her cheese company
*I Came. I Saw. I Con Curd.*
What do you call trees having a sleepover?
Lumber party
Where does a lumberjack find a date?
Timber!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do lumbers call v**... Forests
A place they've never been before
I used to be a lumberjack in the Sahara...
-But the Sahara is a desert.
-Now it is.
How do lumberjacks talk?
With a thick axe-cent.
What did the lumberjack say on his way out of yoga class?
LIIIIIIIIIIMBERR!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why are wooden toilets risky?
If your pee sticks to the lumber, you'll *have* to get a **p**lumber.
What do lumberjacks do when they're about to finish work?
Log off.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A lumberjack chopped off my teeth
But later he apologized and said it was axedental.
The New Lumberjack
A lumberjack new to the job had trouble meeting his quota. He worked as hard as he could, but still he could only chop down two or three trees in a day. His supervisor noticed this, and asked what was wrong. Maybe his chainsaw was broken. The supervisor turned it on, but it was working fine.
The lumberjack looked incredibly startled and asked, "What's that noise?"
How did the lumberjack cure his constipation?
He dropped a log.
Why are lumberjacks good musicians?
They have natural logger-rhythms.
Why do houses creak and groan as they settle?
They lack proper lumber support ...
Why do lumberjacks never take the plane with their brothers?
The Brother is a hijack
Why did the lumberjack pull the plug?
He couldn't log off.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the lumberjack yell at the brass band passing by?
# #**Tiiiimmmm-bre!**
What does a tree that's about to fall need?
Lumber Support
What did the pervert say to the lumber?
You're so knotty!
2 Lumberjacks
2 lumberjacks chop down a tree, but don't know what to do with the wood. One of them suggests they make carpentry, and the other says, "that woodwork."
Why did he lumberjack quit his job chopping wood?
Because he couldn't hack it
What's a lumberjacks favourite meal?
plaid Thai
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
p**... needed a job
Shawn said why not try a lumber jack?
So off he went to the forman.
p**... he says if you can do 100 trees a day , you're hired.
Off p**... went, only 10 trees the 1st day.
Forman says, now p**..., i have guys who can do 100 without breaking a sweat.
p**... forgoes breakfast and lunch but only manages 20 trees on day 2.
Forman says, ow p**..., i have a guy who can do 150 before lunch!
p**... starts at 4am ,no food and finishes at 7pm exhausted.
Forman says now p**... , 30 trees?
p**... says, i don't know what i'm doing wrong?
Forman says, well lets see and he picks up the chainsaw and starts it up.
p**... goes : Whats that?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why don't lumberjacks work n**...?
They might cut the wrong wood
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A lumberjack was being cross-examined during a m**... trial.
The defense lawyer, trying to discredit the lumberjack as a witness, asked him:
"Is it true you were working at night? How can you be sure that it was a pine tree that fell on the victim?"
The lumberjack replied confidently: "I know what I saw."
A lumberjack lost his arm cutting wood.
It was an axe-ident.
There are 2 lumberjacks.
One hits the tree with an axe, and the other uses a saw to finish the job.
The one with the axe took down a tree by himself and said, "Could you see yourself cutting down a tree like that?"
The other man said, "No, I saw."
A lumberjack once told me he's cut down 27,572 trees.
How do ya know exactly how many? I inquired.
Easy. I keep a log.
Lumberjacks are bad at fixing computers
They only know how to log out.
A man goes to the bar after his shift at the lumber mill...
A man goes to the bar after his shift at the lumber mill. After having a few beers with his friend, he spies a very attractive girl sitting by herself, and decides to go say hi. Before he can make his way over however, his friend grabs his arm and says, "Hey, it's not worth it man. I noticed she's only been drinking ales tonight. I don't think she's into lagers."
Sven and Oli went to the lumber store
Sven went in and Oli stayed in the truck. Sven said to the lumberman, I need a four-by-two . The lumberman said, Do you mean a two-by-four? . Sven said, let me ask my brudder . Sven came back and said, yup we need a two-by-four . The lumberman said, How long? . Sven said, huh? . The lumberman said, How long do you need it? Sven just stood there, not understanding. The lumberman said, Go ask your brother. Sven went out to the truck, and came back and said, We need it quite a while, we're building a garage
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The price of lumber has gone up so much...
That the Feds confiscated a load of 2x4's buried in kilos of c**....
Where were all the lumberjacks taking the train to?
Deforestation
Why are lumberjacks always men?
Because they're fellers.
Snakes can't multiply!
After the waters receded, Noah commanded all the animals to "Go forth and multiply".
The ark quickly emptied except for two small snakes, who stayed behind.
When Noah why, they replied - we can't multiply, we are adders.
Noah immediately got busy cutting down trees and building a large table with the unfinished lumber therefrom.
The snakes were overjoyed when Noah picked them up and placed them on it. Noah and snakes both knew that even adders could multiply on a log table.
Two lumberjacks are having a conversation.
One of them says "You know, I can cut wood just by looking at it!"
The other replies "That's not possible! I don't believe you!"
The first says "I know, that it's hard to believe, but I'm telling you! I saw it with my two eyes!"
