lucky Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious lucky puns

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

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Christmas joke (NSFW)

A 17 year old male walks into a drug store. He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean"

Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I'll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky."

Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and doesn't say a word. After a while his girlfriend says: "if I had known you were so quiet, I wouldn't have invited you." the young man replies "if you had told me your dad works at a drug store, I wouldn't have come."

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A man notices his wife's butt is getting big...

I bet your butt is as big as my grill.

His wife rolls her eyes, but he gets a tape measure, measures her bottom, measures the grill, and teases her that they're about the same size.

That night, he tries to see if he can get lucky. Not tonight, says his wife.

He asks her why not, to which she responds, Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weiner?

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This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!"



Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!

Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."

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Two monkeys, one is lucky and the other is not...

Everyday they go to a banana farm and the lucky one climbs a tree and throws the bananas to the other one. And everyday, the farm owner gathers the farmers and catch the unlucky monkey and beat him.



One day, the unlucky monkey is fed up with the beating and tells the lucky monkey to wait while he climbs the tree and throw the bananas. This time, the farmers catch the lucky monkey.



The farm owner says:


Leave him, we have already beaten him many times. Get me that motherfucker on the tree this time.

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A young man goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."

The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parent's. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.

The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

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This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast and as I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all and I gave her a banging right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards, she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She chuckled, "The egg timer's broken."

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My neighbor knocked on my door at 3 am...

3 am can you believe this?
Lucky him that I was awake playing drums.

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Morning Sex

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,
her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"


She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

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Morning Sex

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

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Morning Sex....

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

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A boy goes to his Mom and says, Mom, how come you're white and I'm black?

His Mom replies, Son, the way I remember that party, you're lucky you don't fucking bark.

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The term "Every 60 seconds in Africa..." is really stupid

Everyone knows Africans don't get seconds, they're lucky if they get a single serving.

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A kid asks, "Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"

The mom replies, "Listen, the way I remember that party you're lucky you don't bark."

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I ended up with an older woman at a club last night

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked OK for a 61-year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.
We drank a bit and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.
'What's that?' I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. I said, 'No,' - excitedly.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'. I went back to her place.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: '
Mum, you still awake?'

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Speeding motorist

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say,..."

"And I said keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

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First Experience after marriage

A Delhi mother was lucky enough to see her 3 daughters get married the same year, so she called them after the wedding and told them

Dont forget to text me your first night experience and text it in code

So……. after a week, the 1st daughter texted

NESCAFE

and the next week the 2nd daughter text

WILLS

the mother being an intelligent woman went to get a Nescafe tin and read the label

fantastic till the last drop

went to her husband's pack of WILLS cigarette and read
Extra long, king size

she smiled and said not bad for their ages .

After the next week, the 3rd daughter texted

Indigo Delhi Hyderabad ,

the mother then called Indigo airways helpdesk to enquire about their Delhi Hyderabad flight and they replied

it's 5times daily, 7days a week, both ways and the flight duration is 75mins .

Mother fainted

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One day the youngest son asks his mother, "Mom, why do I look so different from all my siblings?"....

The mother says "Son, from what I remember about that party, you are lucky that you don't bark".

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This got legs in a comment thread yesterday so thought I would share.

A man is fishing when he hears a voice. Fish over here. He looks down and sees a frog. Really fish over here. So he does and catches his limit. The man decides to take the frog home when it says a branch is gonna fall just as the man moves out of the way saving both their lives. Deciding the frog is lucky he takes it to vegas. Put it all on 00 on roulette. Doing so the man hits it for a million. So he rents the presidential suite and they bask in the hot tub for a while and lay on the bed. The man says wow, you've done so much for me I wish there was something I could do for you. The frog says kiss me so he soes and poof! The frog turns into a beautiful 17 year old girl and I swear to god that's how she got there your honor.

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A kid is a painting prodigy.

He draws a 100 dollar bill on the floor of the classroom; his teacher breaks her nails trying to pick it up, and calls his father.

In the parent teacher meeting she complains from the kid and explains what happened, the father replies:
"You got lucky! at home he drew a vagina on the power outlet."

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Did you ever hear about the Lucky Charms leprechaun's evil twin?

He was tragically malicious.

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A frog goes to a fortune teller to find out if he will ever be lucky in love...

The fortune teller reads his palm and tells the frog, I have good news and I have bad news. Which would you like to hear first?

The frog asks for the good news first.

The fortune teller says, You are going to meet the most beautiful girl, who is going to be very interested in you and will want to know all about you. She will want you to open up for her."

Great! says the frog. What's the bad news?

Well, you're going to meet her in biology class."

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So a black guy and a Latino guy and an Asian guy are all walking together!

A man walks up to them with a knife and says if your dick sizes don't add up to 20 inches, then you're all getting stabbed . The black guy pulls it out and it's 12 inches. The Latino guy pulls it out and it's 7 inches. The Asian guys pulls it out and it's 1 inch. The man with the knife says you're all very lucky and walks off.

After the man walks away, the black guy says you guys are lucky I'm black .

The Latino guy then says you guys are lucky I'm Latino .

The Asian guy then says you guys are lucky I had a boner .

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Two pirates, Morty and sol are at a bar

Sol has a patch over one eye, 
a hook for a hand, and a wooden peg leg. Ye gads, matey, says Morty. What happened to ya?

Sol says, Me pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off me leg. So now I got me a wooden peg.

And yer hand? asks Marty.

When me ship sank, a shark bit me hand off. So now I got me a hook.

OK, but what's with the eye patch?

I was standin' on a dock, and the biggest seagull I ever saw poops right in me eye.

But ya don't go blind from no seagull poop.

True, says Sol. But it was me first day with the hook.

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So my neighbour knocked on my door at 3am..

3 AM! Can you believe that?! He was lucky I was still playing on my drumkit..

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My mate is shagging twins who both like it up the arse....

I told him he was a lucky bastard, and asked 'how do you tell them apart?'

He replied 'that's easy, sally has massive tits and a nice shaved pussy, and Derek has a moustache with big hairy bollocks!'

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I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died...

Which was lucky, because he stepped on a Landmine.

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Morning Sex

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the T shirt she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lift up as I thought, "I'm either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards, she said "Thanks," and walked back to the stove, her T shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

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Two married man talking..

1st man: Im so lucky, my wife is an angel.

2nd man: Good for you! Mine's still alive.

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A quantum particle walks into two bars.

In one, he has a few drinks, becomes the life of the party, gets lucky and has a splendid time.

In the other he drinks too much, picks a fight with the wrong company and ends up beaten to half of his life.

The next day, he happens to meet an old buddy. After some very small talk, his friend asks

" hey, so what did you do last night?"

the particle, bruised and beaten shouts "DAMN IT MAN did you have to ask!!"

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My neighbour knocked at my door at 2:30am!

Lucky for him i was still up playing my drums.

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People say Michael Jackson only became a paedophile when he was white. [NSFW]

Lucky for him, if he was black he would have been found guilty.

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My neighbor knocked on my door at 3 in the morning...

Lucky for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

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As a child I had a severe condition where I had to drink my own urine else I would die

Lucky my brother told me about it before it was too late.

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[NSFW] A little person hits it off with a blonde at a party.

An exceptionally short, but good looking man was chatting up a tall, leggy blonde at a party.

Woman: This is you're lucky night. I've never been with a midget and want to cross it off my list. Let's go back to my place.

Man: Absolutely, just one thing. I can only have sex with the lights off.

She agrees and they go back to her place. There's just a bit of foreplay before he crawls down her, planting kisses along the way. He gets between her legs and she feels the largest penis she's ever had in her life thrust into her.

Woman: Oh God! That's so huge!

Man: If you like that, wait until I get the other leg in.

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A penguin falls asleep on an iceberg,...

When he wakes up, he finds himself encased in ice, floating in the middle of the ocean. To his fortune, he spots the horn of a narwhal close by. Thanking his lucky stars, he calls out to him. The narwhal comes and the penguin asks "Thank goodness you're around, Mr. Narwhal. Could you break the ice?". The narwhal stares at him for a bit.

"Ok, so what are your hobbies?"

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Please pray for my wife....

A spider bit her on the forehead and she is now in the E.R. They said she almost died.
Lucky for her, I was near and hit the spider as hard as I could with a bat right when it bit her.

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If you find 400 pounds on the street in England, you're a lucky man...

If you find 400 pounds on the street in America, you've met Phillip.

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A guy meets a sex worker in a bar.

She says, 'This is your lucky night. I've got a special game for you. I'll do absolutely anything you want for Β£300 as long as you can say it in three words.' The guy replies, 'Hey, why not?' He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays Β£300 on the bar, and says slowly. 'Paint…my….house.'

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"Mommy, why do I have black skin and you have white skin?"

"Honey, when I think back to that night, you're lucky you don't bark."

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Lucky Numbers

There was this man by the name of Mr Five.

His lucky number was, not surprisingly, 5.

He was 55 years old, ate 5 times a day, always brought with him $55 in his wallet and always wore a shirt with 5 pockets.

One day, he saw a horse by the name of Lucky Five was racing.

He bet $5555.55 on the horse.

After 5 hours the results are out.

Sure enough the horse comes in fifth.

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I can't believe my neighbor had the audacity to ring my doorbell at 2 in the morning.

Lucky for him though I was still up playing my bagpipes.

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Today my neighbor knocked at my door at 3 am. Can you believe that? .

Lucky for him that I was awake playing the drums!

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My neighbor came pounding on my front door at 2am last night

lucky for him, I was up practicing my bag pipes.

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A guy is approached by a hooker in a bar. She says, "This

A guy is approached by a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I've got a special for you. I'll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy pulls his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three one hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint...my...house."

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A black guy, a white guy, and an asian guy are speeding

They get pulled over by a cop, who decides to humor them. They won't get a ticket if their penis sizes add up to 20 inches. The black guy's dick is 10 inches, the white guy's is 9 inches, and the asian guy's is 1 inch. As they drive away, the black guy says "you're lucky my dick was 10 inches", the white guy says" you're lucky my dick is 9 inches" and the asian says "you're lucky I had a boner."

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I went on a date with a girl who was clearly out of my league.

But she'd heard that I was going to see a movie she wanted to see, and we made a date of it.

On the way over I thought I might get lucky so I went to the drug store and bought a box of condoms.

When I stopped at her house, her family invited me to dinner. I asked if I could say the blessing on the dinner. I prayed for about ten minutes, the holiest prayer I could think of.

On the way out to the car, she quipped "I never knew you were so religious!" I replied, "I never knew your dad was a pharmacist."

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Facebook should make a bigger deal over privacy, certainly as far as photos are concerned.

I managed to find a really attractive girl I'd seen before, and without adding her, I could see all her photos, including some in a bikini.
I mean, she's lucky it's only me wanking and not some pervert.

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Mother Daughter Threesome

My friend Ethan recently met a beautiful woman at a bar. Ethan is 22. She's 57. He's never been with a much older woman, but he thinks hey, why not, she's hot. They drink and flirt all night. Suddenly she asks Ethan if he's ever had a mother and daughter threesome. He says no.

They drink a bit more, then the woman says, Tonight's your lucky night! Ethan is stoked. If the older woman is a babe he can only imagine what the daughter looks like. They go back to her place. She puts the hall light on and shouts upstairs:

Mom, you awake?

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The wife

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.Β 


As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment! Β 


My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day! Β 


Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.Β 


Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.Β 


Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"Β 


She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

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Egg timer

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.Β 


As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment! Β 


My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day! Β 


Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.Β 


Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.Β 


Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"Β 


She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

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So my neighbor knocks on my door.

So my neighbor knocks on my door at 2:30am last night.

2:30AM!!! Can you believe it?!!?

Lucky for him, I was up playing my drums.

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A guy picks up a hooker

She says, This is your lucky night. I'll do absolutely anything you want for $300.00. as long as you can say it in three words.

The guy pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays $300.00 on the table and says slowly.

Paint…my….house.

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A rich man goes to see the Pope

A wealthy man who has been a devote catholic all his life, wishes to see the pope as a thank you to God for his successful life. He is lucky to be at the front of the crowd where the pope was walking along and blessing people.
As the pope is doing this he sees a tramp stops to give particular attention to the down-and-out, blessing him with far more words than anyone else.
At first the wealthy man is horrified, but then he realises "of course! The pope blesses the weak, not the strong, he will bless those who need God the most". He is still desperate to meet the pope though, so as the bum passes him, he shoves all his money in the hobo's hands and switches clothes.
He had lost a Β£900 suit, and was now standing in urine stained, uncomfortable clothes, but sure enough, as soon as the Pope saw him, he walked right towards him. The rich man stood proud as the Pope opened his mouth and then shouted "didn't I just tell you to fuck off?"

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Boy, I just got hit in the head with a can of soda.

I was lucky it was a soft drink.

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My mate told me he was shagging his girlfriend's twin

I said: "you lucky thing! But how do you tell them apart?"

"Oh that's easy" he said, "her brother has a moustache".

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The term "Every 60 second in Africa..." is stupid

Everyone knows Africains don't get seconds.
They're lucky if they get a single serving.

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Mother-in-laws

Two men are sitting in a pub when one turns to the other and says "My mother-in-law is a saint," To which the other man replies "You're so fucking lucky! Mine's still alive,"

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Literary position.

Years ago, my grandparents took me on a vacation to Disneyland. Grandma was excited for me when we boarded the plane, she exclaimed that I was lucky, because I got the Shakespeare seat.

"Why is it the Shakespeare seat Grandma?"

"You are in seat 2-B, so it's the Shakespeare seat."

"Don't be silly Grandma. All the seats on an airplane are Shakespeare seats."

"How do you figure that?"

"Well, it's either seat 2-B or not 2-B."

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Two married men are talking: - My mother-in-law is an angel

- You're lucky, mine's still alive.

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Some people say I am crazy

Lucky for me, only I can hear them

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John is a great painter.

He painted a $100 note on the floor of the classroom; it was so convincing, his teacher breaks her nails trying to pick it up.

She calls John's father on phone to complain about the kid and explains what had happened.

The father, apologizing from his hospital bed replied, 'You are lucky! At home, that idiot drew a VAGINA on the POWER SOCKET. He is the reason am in the hospital.'

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Morning sex

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the t-shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly "you've got to make love to me this very moment."

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this us going to be my lucky day."
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave her my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "thanx," and return to the stove, her t-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzle, I asked,
"What was that all about?"
She explained, *"the eggs timer's broken"*

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I ended up with an older woman at the club last night. She looked olay for a 57 year old.

We drank a bit and talked a while and she asked if I had ever had a Sportman's Double

"What's that?" I asked.

"It's a mother and daughter threesome", she said.

I said, "No."

We drank a bit more, then she says tonight's my lucky night.

We went back to her place.

She flipped on the hall light and then shouted upstairs: "Mom, you still awake?"

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I got hit in the head with a can of soda.

I am lucky that it was a soft drink.

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Two men were talking about their wives

The first guy says My wife is an angel!



The other says You're lucky, mine's still alive.

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I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.

As we know, some of us have been lucky not to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the various social functions over the years.

A couple of months ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many, and then topped it off with a margarita. Not a good idea.

Knowing full well I was over the limit, I did something I've never done before:

I took a taxi home.

Sure enough I passed a police road block, but because it was a taxi, they waved me on.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was amazing because I've never driven a taxi before, and I'm not sure where I got it.

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A guy meets a hooker in a bar

She says to him, "this is your lucky night. I've got a special going, for $300 i'll do absolutely anything you can think of but the catch is you have to be able to say it in 3 words or less."

The guy replies, "thats a great deal" then slowly lays out 3 &100 dollar notes and says "Paint... My... House."

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Tell you what, it's lucky that those Kids trapped in the cave in Thailand are footballers

It means they're already good divers.

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A captain of a pirate ship is sailing the high seas...

when he encounters another ship. A fight breaks out amongst the two ships and the captain requests that his first mate fetch him his lucky red shirt. The captain leads his crew to victory, and after the fight, the first mate mentions that it must have been because of the lucky red shirt. The captain speaks up and says "No matey, I wear this shirt to hide the bloodstains so you will all keep fighting instead of tending to me". A few days later, the ship encounters the Black Pearl, the mightiest ship of the seas. The first mate asks the captain if he'd like his lucky red shirt. He replies "No matey, fetch me my brown pants".

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People who work in coin factories sure are lucky.

They make a lot of money.

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Two men were talking about their wives

The first man says "My wife is an angel." The second man says "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

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My crush said I'm like a brother to her

Lucky she likes game of thrones

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A man looking for work

A man was looking for work. In fact, he was desperate. He heard the circus was in town and so he went and asked the ring master if there was a job for him. The ring master said, "We're lucky you showed up! Our tiger just died and he was a big part of the show. What we need you to do is put on this tiger costume and pretend to be a real tiger. Nobody will know the difference." So the man put on the tiger costume, and he had to admit, it was a very realistic costume. Soon the show started, and the time came for the tiger act. The man, eager to do a good job, lept out into the ring, snarling just like a real tiger. The crowd cheered. He did all the things the tiger was supposed to do: let the trainer stick his head in his mouth, balanced on a ball, and finally walked across a tightrope. The crowd loved it. But then a lion and a bear entered the ring. The ring master announced, "Now you will see these three ferocious beasts enter one cage together!" The man had no choice as he was herded into the cage with the lion and the bear. The two animals roared and snarled, and the man became afraid for his life. He began running around the cage, shouting, "Let me out! I'm not a real tiger! Help!" Then the lion grabbed him and said, "Shut up! Do you want us all to lose our jobs?"

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A black man walks into a job office

He goes the the clerk's desk, slams his fist and says, *"I'm sick and tired of living off welfare. I want a job."*

*"You're lucky"*, the clerk says. *"We've got an opening you'll like."*

*"A local billionaire needs a chauffeur for his nympho daughter and her friends. Fast cars, champagne, and tropical resorts await you. You start with an annual paycheck of $ 120,000"*

The black man is stunned, *"Wow! You've gotta be shitting me!"*

*"Well, you started it."*

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What's the difference between Notre Dame and Lucky Charms cereal?

One of them belongs in a bowl.

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The term "Every 60 seconds in Africa , a minute passes" is stupid

Because the majority of Africans don't get seconds , they'll be very lucky if they even get their first servings .

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Some wanker just threw a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me.

Lucky my only injuries was super fish oil.

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A traffic cop in a small town stopped a motorist for speeding.

"but Officer," said the driver, "I can explain-"
Save your excuses," said the cop. "You can cool your heels in jail till the chief gets back."
"But Officer..."
"Quiet!" snapped the cop. "You're going to jail the chief will deal with you when he gets back."
A few hours later the officer looks in at the prisoner. "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. It means he'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," said the prisoner. "I'm the groom."

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May be too close to home for some people

This little kid runs up to his mother.
He says: "Mommy! mommy! Why am I black, and you're white?"
And the mom says: "Look the way I remember that party, you're lucky you don't fucking bark."

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Lucky day for Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly.

Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly was watching the news when he witnessed something astounding. A young Syrian man had just thrown a hand grenade over 100 yards through the window of a building into a room that housed a sniper. He was so impressed that he had the man found and brought into the states to play for his team.
After a very successful rookie season the young man was discussing his rookie of the year award via telephone with his mother.
She told him that she was proud but living in fear constantly. She continued " your brother was shot twice just in the last few weeks and your sister is regularly the victim of assault. Matters have escalated and life is worse than it has ever been. I will never, ever forgive you for bringing us to Philly."

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Single airline stewardesses are very lucky...

for their convenience all men are already sorted into different classes.

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Sex Statistics on a Plane.

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be
seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They
exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies,
"This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics.
It identifies that American Indians have the longest
average penises and Polish men have the biggest average
diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

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Kid says "mommy how come I'm black and your white?

Mom says "listen the way I remember that party you're lucky you don't bark"

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Reflection vs Refraction

the point at which I realize how lucky I am to not have an Asian professor.

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Painter

Robert's son is a great painter.

He painted a $100 note on the floor of the classroom.Β 

His teacher broke her nails trying to pick it up.Β 

She called his father on the phone to complain about the kid and explain what happened.

The father from his hospital bed responds..."You got lucky Madam. At home that idiot drew a vagina on the power outlet.

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A boy says to his mother, "Mom, how come you're white but I'm black?"

"Sweetie, the way I remember that party, you're lucky you don't bark."

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Hall Sex

Three guys were standing around the golf course talking about how often they have sex with their wives.
The first guys says, "I'm lucky if I get sex once a month. and if we do its just regular old missionary style sex." The other two guys shake their heads in understanding.
The second guy says, "I get to have sex with my wife a couple of times a month and she lets me do it missionary and doggie style." The other two guys again shake their heads in understanding.
The third guy says, "me and my wife have sex every day." His two buddies look at him in amazement and one of them asks, "What kind of sex do yall have?" The guys looks at him and says, "We have hall sex."
His buddies look at him and one says, "Hall sex? I've never heard of that."
The guy looks at him and says, "When we pass each other in the hall we look at each other and say, 'Fuck You'."

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My girlfriends parents and I tried surprising her with a car on her 16th birthday

But she got lucky at the last second and jumped out of the way.

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I often tell myself

"You're lucky the cloning machine worked."

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A bear and a rabbit were walking through the forest

All of a sudden they come across a golden turtle. The turtle looks at them and explains that today is their lucky day because he happens to be a magical golden turtle and is going to grant each of them three wishes. The bear, who is a horny fucker, goes first and wishes they he was the only male bear left in the forest. He's going to be a very busy bear come springtime. The rabbit wishes for a crash helmet. It comes with holes for his ears. For his second wish the bear, who is also a bit paranoid, wishes all the bears in the next forest were female too. The rabbit then wishes for a rabbit sized motorcycle. For his final wish the bear wishes that all the bears the world, except him, were female. The rabbit looks at bear, revs his motorcycle and wishes that the bear was gay.

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Met an older woman at a bar last night.

She wasn't bad for 57, we drank and flirted a bit, then she asked if I'd ever had a mother and daughter combo? I said no.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight is my lucky night.
I went back to her place.
She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:

"Mom, you still awake?"

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How can you tell a mechanic has gotten lucky?

He's got one clean finger!

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My neighbour knocked on my door at 3 o'clock this morning!!! What a lunatic!!! 3 AM!!!

Lucky for him I was still up playing my bagpipes

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Two bats are hanging in their cave.

One turns to the other and says, "Oh, I'm really thirsty for some fresh blood."

The other bat is amazed and says, "Well, it's a bit late. Daylight is almost here, and we can't be exposed to any light - you know we'll die." "Yeah, I know," says the first bat, "but I'm really starving for it."

So he flies out of the cave and returns five minutes later with blood dripping from his mouth.

"You lucky thing. Where'd you find blood that quick?" asked the second bat.

"You see that tree over there in the distance?" mumbled the bat, his mouth full of blood.

"Yeah, I think I do!"

"Well, I didn't."

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Two men are chatting over a pint

Bob turns to John and says, "You're looking down in the dumps, what's wrong?"
"It's the wife. Since she's started this high-powered job, she's cut our sex down to 3 times a week!"
"You're lucky" remarked Bob. "She's cut me out completely!"

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Putin wanted to either get a new pet or learn to play a new instrument.

He got lucky with both and ended up with a Trump pet.

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All in a night's work

A guy meets a sex workerΒ in a bar. She says,

"This is your lucky night. I've got a special game for you. I'll do absolutely anything you want for 300.00 as long as you can say it in three words."

The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays 300.00Β on the bar, and says slowly, "Paint…my….house."

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Confucius say lucky girl is girl who meet boy in park

and lucky boy is boy who park meat in girl

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They say that make up sex is the best…

Which is lucky, because all my sex is made up…

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Young man and the Pharmacy

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.
The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that."
"Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."
The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.
The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

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3 men die and go to heaven. (different joke)

They arrive at the gates of heaven. St. Peter says, "To determine whether you get to enter heaven or hell, you must state how you died.
The first man steps forward and says,"Well, I was on my balcony of my 32nd story apartment. I was leaning on the railing, and it snapped off. I fell down, and lucky grabbed hold of the railing of the apartment below me. Then, some crazy guy came out of the apartment and pushed me off, and I fell to the concrete below. I was barely alive, but still holding on. However, the maniac threw his refrigerator down at me, and it crushed me.
"Wow, what a story. Well, go on then." says St. Peter. The man walks into the gates.
Then the second man steps up. "Okay, so my buddy from work told me that he heard that my wife was cheating on me. So instead of heading to my night shift, I snuck into my 31st story apartment. After a while, I heard some movement on my balcony. On the balcony, the man who I assumed was cheating with my wife was hanging off the railing.So, I pushed him off to the concrete below. Surprisingly, he was alive! The rage got to me, so i took my fridge, and dumped it over the rail, and crushed him. Unfortunately, the stress was to much, and I had a heart attack and died."
"How sad," St. Peter said. " Ok, in." So the 2nd man walks into the gates.
"Well, what's your story?" asked St. Peter.
"Okay, Imagine this. You're hiding in a refrigerator."

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Lucky I didn't get caught...

I was nailing this chick in the park the other weekend. And I was so lucky not to get caught.

Supposedly crucifixions are illegal these days

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A woman goes to the fortune teller.

A woman goes to the fortune teller, who tells her, "Two men want to marry me. Who will be the lucky one?" The fortune teller answers, "You will marry Robert, David will be the lucky one."

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Another Bar Story

A guy meets a sex workerΒ in a bar. She says, 'This is your lucky night. I've got a special game for you. I'll do absolutely anything you want for Β£300 as long as you can say it in three words.' The guy replies, 'Hey, why not?' He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays Β£300Β on the bar, and says slowly. 'Paint…my….house.'

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Two guys at a bar, one says "My wife drives me to drink."

The other says "You're lucky, my wife makes me walk."

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Barry likes the number five.

He is the fifth child in his family, lives on the fifth house on Fifth Avenue, so much so that he sees 5 as his lucky number.

One day he went to the races, and saw a horse named Number Five. He went ahead and placed a huge bet, confident that it'll win him big money.

It finished fifth.

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What does a novice woodworker have in common with a constipated woodworker?

In the end, both are lucky to produce a stool.

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Sometimes gonna get lucky tonight!

A woman has a pet parrot and every time she brings home a date the parrot says Someone's going to get lucky tonight! The woman is embarrassed by this so she takes the parrot to the vet, she explains and the vet tells her the parrot is lonely and needs a mate. The woman then goes to the pet store and the only bird they have is an owl. The woman buys the owl in hopes it will work out. On her next date she brings the man home and the parrot says Someone's going to get lucky tonight! The owl says Who, who. The parrot says Certainly not you, you bug eyed bitch. Β 

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Three men are crossing a bridge

A black man, an Asian man, and a Jew are crossing a bridge. Right under the bridge, a troll pops out and tells them, "You may only cross this bridge if your combined penis lengths are at least 17 inches."

So the black man pulls it out and it's 9 inches.

The Jew is 6 inches.

The Asian is 2 inches.

And so the three men cross the bridge. The black man says, "You're lucky I have a big dick."

The Jewish man says, "You're lucky I have a medium dick."

The Asian says, "You're lucky I have a boner."

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A seven-year-old boy is sitting at the dinner table with his parents. Suddenly he announces, "Me and Janie is getting married."

"Oh?" says the mother. "And how old is Janie?"

"Five," replies the boy.

"Well," says the father, " what are you going to do for money?"

"I get 15 cents a week in allowance," says the son, "and Janie gets 10 cents. We figured that if we put them together we weΒ΄d be okay."

"I see," says the father. "But what are you going to do if you have children?"

"Well," says the boy, "so far, we've been lucky."

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Yet another bar joke

Every day, there is a man who sits in the corner booth at a penthouse bar.

One particular day, a young man comes in through the door. Feeling lucky, he exclaims, "I am feeling lucky, I'll take anyone's bet." The young man in the corner stands up, finishes his scotch, and staggers over to the young man. "I'll bet you that I can jump out of this window and then walk down from the roof access. Fifty bucks."

"You've got a deal mister." He proceeds to jump out of the window, only to a few seconds later walk in from the roof access. The young man is flabbergasted and hands over the $50. "Hundred bucks says you can't do it again."

And the other man proceeds to jump out of the window, and then again walks in from the roof. The young man gets overconfident and tries to do it himself, thinking that there must be some catch. He falls thirteen stories to his death. The older man orders another scotch from the bartender and returns to his corner booth.

The bartender says to him, "Superman, you're an asshole when you're drunk."

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This really hot chick walks up to the bartender and says in a sexy seductive voice, "May I please speak to your manager?"

He says, "Not right now, is there anything I can help you with?" She replies, "I don't know if your the man to talk to...its kind of personal..." Thinking he might get lucky, he goes, "I'm pretty sure I can handle your problem, miss". She leans in and starts running her fingers through his beard and then slips 2 fingers in his mouth, "Can you give the manager something for me?" The bartender nods...yes. "Tell him there's no toilet paper in the ladies restroom."

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A boy is struggling with his exams...

He catches a lucky break when, as he is walking home one day, he finds a mystical lamp on the side of the road. He rubs the side of the lamp and a genie pops out.
"You may have any item you desire, simply name it." The genie says.
The boy thinks for a second then exclaims,
"I'd like some kind of concealable item that will grant me infinite wisdom."
"As you wish, press the top of this pen and what you desire shall be yours."
The boy takes the pen and is overjoyed, with this pen he'll never have to study again!

His next exam comes around and he walks into the school hall with confidence. He sits at his desk as others around him fidget nervously.

When the papers are handed out, he holds the pen up and triumphantly lowers his thumb over the lever as it produces an audible click.

And in his infinite wisdom he suddenly states with absolute clarity:
*"I should have studied!!!"*

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A cop had set up a speed trap at the end of a bridge

when yet another lucky customer comes roaring past doing twenty miles over the limit. The cop lights him up and pulls him over. After retrieving the driver's license and registration, he's filling out the ticket and he asks the driver, "So, what do you do for a living sir?"

The guy replies, "Oh, I'm an asshole stretcher."

The cop pauses in his writing for a sec, dumbfounded. Then asks, "What exactly does that involve?"

"Oh, it's simple," the driver replies, "First you insert a finger, eventually you can get two fingers in, then a fist. After that you can work both hands in and really start stretching it out. After it gets big enough, you can work you feet in there and keep stretching until it's about six feet."

"Six feet?" The cop asks, "What do you do with a six foot asshole?"

"Usually," the guy says, "you give him a radar gun a park him at the end of a bridge."

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Two Pirates

My mom just sent me this one, thought it was good


Two pirates, Morty and Sol, meet 
in a bar. Sol has a patch over one eye, 
a hook for a hand, and a wooden peg leg. Ye gads, matey, says Morty. What happened to ya?

Sol says, Me pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off me leg. So now I got me a wooden peg.

And yer hand? asks Marty.

When me ship sank, a shark bit me hand off. So now I got me a hook.

OK, but what's with the eye patch?

I was standin' on a dock, and the biggest seagull I ever saw poops right in me eye.

But ya don't go blind from no seagull poop.

True, says Sol. But it was me first day with the hook.

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I saw an electronic sign that said 'Check Your Speed' in flashing lights.

Lucky I did, it had almost fallen out of my pocket.

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Angel.

Jeff is talking to Ben :

β€’ My wife is an angel.

Ben tells him :

β€’ Lucky you, mine is still alive...

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Three guys are out hunting

Three guys are out hunting when they come across a fence. First one hops over the fence, second one hops over the fence, third one hops over the fence and BAM accidentally shoots himself in the foot. The other too carry him back into town and drop him off at the doctor, then decide to go to the local bar so the day isn't a complete waste.

After aN x-ray and exam the doctor comes in and says:

Doctor: Well you are pretty lucky as it looks like no real permanent damage will be done but we are going to have to give you some pain medication and perform a minor operation.

Hunter: Na doc I don't need any pain medication.

Doctor: I don't think you understand I'm going to be removing pieces of bone and moving other pieces around, it is going to be extremely painful.

Hunter: Aww this doesn't hurt that bad, not even close to the worst pain I've felt.

Doctor: Geezus, what was the worst pain you have ever felt?

Hunter: Well to tell you about the worst pain I first have to tell you about the second worst pain I've ever felt. I was out hunting with these two yahoos when I felt the urge to take a dump so I found a bush nearby, bent over to do my business and a bear trap clamped onto my balls.

Doctor: Holy crap! Damn that must of hurt, I'm afraid to ask now but what was the worst pain then?

Hunter: When I hit the end of the chain attached to the trap.

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3 buddies went camping and stayed in a cabin.

The cabin only had one bed so they decided to share it.

The next morning the guy who slept on the left side of the bed said I had a dream I was getting jacked off.

The guy on the right side of the bed said that's weird I had the exact same dream.

The guy in the middle said you guys are lucky. I had a dream I was skiing.

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When I was a little girl, I had a unique medical condition that required me to eat play-doh three times a day to survive.

I was very lucky that my older brother informed me about it and made sure I did it, or I might not be here today.

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3 men, 40, 50 and 60 talking about their sex lives...

the 40yr old says " when my wife and I got together we couldn't keep our hands off each other, now it's only on the weekends."
the 50 yr old say " you're lucky! when we got together it was twice a day, now it's only on special occasions."
they look to the 60yr old, who says " you boys are doing it wrong, 'cuz I get it every night!"
" how do you manage that?"
" I told my wife my heart was too weak for sex....."

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Penis Sizes

This car with a black guy, white guy, and Asian guy in it was speeding. In a few minutes they got pulled over. The cop said, "If we add all you penis sizes together, and it is exactly 16 inches, I'll let you guys off with a warning." The black guy pulls his pants down and has an 8 inch penis. Next is the white guy, he pulls his pants down and he has a 6 inch penis. Next is the Asian. He pull his pants down, and he has a 2 inch penis. After the cop lets them go, the Asian says, "Man, you guys are lucky I had a boner!"

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A man wakes up the morning of his birthday on July 7th.

He looks at his watch '7:07'. Oh man, what are the odds that I wake up at 7:07 on 07/07 on the day of my birthday. Could be my lucky day!

He drives to the grocery store and starts freaking out as the total at the cash shows 77.77$. Oh my, this cannot be a coincidence .

He then drives back home and parks his car, only to realize his mileage is now at 77,777km. Ok this is it, it is my lucky day, I'm going to pick a horse and bet 7777$ on it in tonight's race. Easy money!

The horse finishes 7th.

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I caught my wife counting through my supply of Viagra. Embarrassed, she hugged me and said "I thought you were cheating on me, I guess I was wrong. I'm so sorry!"

I guess I'm lucky I don't *need* Viagra with my mistress...

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Someone just threw a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me.

I only suffered super fish oil injuries, but I'm lucky I wasn't krilled!

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A man saw a small boy crying in an alley

"What is wrong?" he said

"My parents died" the boy responded.

The man pulled down his pants and said "Welp, this isn't your lucky day."

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I have a dog named Lucky...

Sometimes he escapes so we have to go get Lucky.

And sometimes it'll be dark out so we'll be up all night to get Lucky.

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I bought a lottery ticket on the way home on Valentine's Day...

...at least now I have a chance of getting lucky.

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A Jewish woman goes to see her Rabbi

She says to him, "Yankele and Yosele are both in love with me, who will be the lucky one?"

The wise old Rabbi answers, "Yankele will marry you. Yosele will be the lucky one."

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[Politics] Illegal immigrants are lucky

The government is helping them escape the US

...and into mexico, where a booming ladder industry is providing plenty of jobs

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Mom, how come you are white and I'm black ?

well, considering the things I vaguely remember doing in that party , just be lucky that you are not barking

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They say make up sex is the best which is lucky,

because all my sex is made up.

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"You're lucky..."

A blonde is in a canoe in a field of grass paddling away. Another blonde walks up to her and says, "Hey! You're that blonde that gives us other blondes a bad name. You're lucky I can't swim or else I'd be all over you!"

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Just three words . . .

A middle-aged man meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I've got a special game for you. I'll do absolutely anything you want for $100 as long as you can say it in just three words."

The guy replies, "Hey, why not?"

He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays $100 on the bar, and says slowly, "Paint . . . my . . . house."

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Divorce

I consider myself pretty lucky in my divorce because we negotiated a 50-50 split of our assets. My wife got half, my lawyer got half.

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Did you hear about the man who got hit in the head with a can of soda?

He was lucky it was a soft drink.

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Dinner with the parents

A young man began to go steady with a girl who he had been dating for several months. She decided it was time for him to meet her parents and invited him over for dinner that night. Deciding that he may get a chance to get lucky that night, he stopped at the pharmacy to pick up condoms before he went to his girlfriend's house. He got there, sat down for dinner, and everyone bowed their heads in prayer. One minute passed and everyone except the young man began to eat, as the young man kept his head bowed. Five minutes passed, and he still kept his head down. After ten minutes, the girl whispered to the guy, "I didn't know you were so religious." The young man whispered back, "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist."

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Old Lady: "Harold? What are you doing with my birth certificate at 3 in the morning?"

Old Man: "Oh, I'm just fawning over how beautiful your name is, darling."

Old Lady: "Harold! That is incredibly sweet of you!"

Old Man: "Well, what can I say? I'm incredibly lucky to have married the woman I love, and that she could have such a beautiful name as... uh..."

*squints and looks at paper*

"...Margret."

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Fat people are lucky

They get to eat whatever they want and not worry about getting fat.

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A guy I know got hit in the head with a can of soda

He was lucky it was a soft drink

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I wasn't close to my dad when he died

Which was lucky, since he stepped on a landmine

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My neighbors knocked on my door at 3 am the other day. The nerve of them.

Lucky I was up playing the drums.

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A man is going to a party with his girlfriend

and decides to buy some condoms. He tells the seller that he's hoping to get lucky at the party. Then he buys another and says to the seller, "Her mom's pretty hot too, might as well hope for the best."

Later, at the party, the man is very quiet. At the end, his girlfriend asks him, "Why haven't you been talking the whole night? It's almost like you didn't want to be here." The man replies, "I wouldn't have come at all if you had told me your dad worked at a drug store."

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Piss Poor Luck

A guy walks into a bar, and slams down a wad of cash and tells the bartender he's on a lucky streak all night. After a few drinks, the guy asks if anyone in the bar are willing to bet hard cash, and the Bartender points him to an area in the back of the bar.


A little over an hour later, the guy comes staggering back, drunk off his ass. He trundles over to the bar, and proposes to the Bartender, "I'll bet you $1,000 that I can put a shot glass at one end of your bar and piss into it from the other end of the bar without spilling a drop."


The bartender laughs and says, "You're crazy, and drunk, but you're on."


The man positions a shot glass on one end, walks to the other end and unzips his fly. Being completely smashed, he then pisses everywhere -- all over the walls, over the bar top, all over the bottles of booze, and all over the bartender. The bartender roars with laughter and tells the man to pay up. The man pulls out his wad of cash, but can't stop laughing to count out the grand.


"What are so happy about?" asks the bartender. "You just lost $1,000!"


"Well, you know those guys in the back? I bet them all 10 grand that I could piss all over your bar, your walls, your liquor AND you, and not only would you not be mad -- you'd be laughing your ass off."

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Jew jokes

A Jewish woman goes to see her Rabbi and asks, "Yankele and Yosele are both in love with me, who will be the lucky one?''
The wise old Rabbi answers: "Yankele will marry you. Yosele will be the lucky one.

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My brother told me his wife is driving him to drink,

Lucky bastard mine makes me walk.

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The girl I liked said I was like a brother to her

Lucky for me she likes game of thrones.

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People from Hawaii are so lucky!

They get to play the floor is lava for real!

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My grandfather was lucky, he died peacefully in his sleep

Unofortunately the passengers on his bus died screaming in terror

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What are the best Lucky puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Lucky? Well, here are the best jokes about Lucky to have fun with.

Joko Jokes