lucky Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious lucky puns

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

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A man notices his wife's butt is getting big...

I bet your butt is as big as my grill.

His wife rolls her eyes, but he gets a tape measure, measures her bottom, measures the grill, and teases her that they're about the same size.

That night, he tries to see if he can get lucky. Not tonight, says his wife.

He asks her why not, to which she responds, Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weiner?

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A boy goes to his Mom and says, Mom, how come you're white and I'm black?

His Mom replies, Son, the way I remember that party, you're lucky you don't fucking bark.

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The term "Every 60 seconds in Africa..." is really stupid

Everyone knows Africans don't get seconds, they're lucky if they get a single serving.

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A kid asks, "Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"

The mom replies, "Listen, the way I remember that party you're lucky you don't bark."

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One day the youngest son asks his mother, "Mom, why do I look so different from all my siblings?"....

The mother says "Son, from what I remember about that party, you are lucky that you don't bark".

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A kid is a painting prodigy.

He draws a 100 dollar bill on the floor of the classroom; his teacher breaks her nails trying to pick it up, and calls his father.

In the parent teacher meeting she complains from the kid and explains what happened, the father replies:
"You got lucky! at home he drew a vagina on the power outlet."

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Did you ever hear about the Lucky Charms leprechaun's evil twin?

He was tragically malicious.

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My mate is shagging twins who both like it up the arse....

I told him he was a lucky bastard, and asked 'how do you tell them apart?'

He replied 'that's easy, sally has massive tits and a nice shaved pussy, and Derek has a moustache with big hairy bollocks!'

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I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died...

Which was lucky, because he stepped on a Landmine.

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Two married man talking..

1st man: Im so lucky, my wife is an angel.

2nd man: Good for you! Mine's still alive.

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A quantum particle walks into two bars.

In one, he has a few drinks, becomes the life of the party, gets lucky and has a splendid time.

In the other he drinks too much, picks a fight with the wrong company and ends up beaten to half of his life.

The next day, he happens to meet an old buddy. After some very small talk, his friend asks

" hey, so what did you do last night?"

the particle, bruised and beaten shouts "DAMN IT MAN did you have to ask!!"

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People say Michael Jackson only became a paedophile when he was white. [NSFW]

Lucky for him, if he was black he would have been found guilty.

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As a child I had a severe condition where I had to drink my own urine else I would die

Lucky my brother told me about it before it was too late.

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A penguin falls asleep on an iceberg,...

When he wakes up, he finds himself encased in ice, floating in the middle of the ocean. To his fortune, he spots the horn of a narwhal close by. Thanking his lucky stars, he calls out to him. The narwhal comes and the penguin asks "Thank goodness you're around, Mr. Narwhal. Could you break the ice?". The narwhal stares at him for a bit.

"Ok, so what are your hobbies?"

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Please pray for my wife....

A spider bit her on the forehead and she is now in the E.R. They said she almost died.
Lucky for her, I was near and hit the spider as hard as I could with a bat right when it bit her.

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If you find 400 pounds on the street in England, you're a lucky man...

If you find 400 pounds on the street in America, you've met Phillip.

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A guy meets a sex worker in a bar.

She says, 'This is your lucky night. I've got a special game for you. I'll do absolutely anything you want for Β£300 as long as you can say it in three words.' The guy replies, 'Hey, why not?' He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays Β£300 on the bar, and says slowly. 'Paint…my….house.'

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"Mommy, why do I have black skin and you have white skin?"

"Honey, when I think back to that night, you're lucky you don't bark."

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I can't believe my neighbor had the audacity to ring my doorbell at 2 in the morning.

Lucky for him though I was still up playing my bagpipes.

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Lucky Numbers

There was this man by the name of Mr Five.

His lucky number was, not surprisingly, 5.

He was 55 years old, ate 5 times a day, always brought with him $55 in his wallet and always wore a shirt with 5 pockets.

One day, he saw a horse by the name of Lucky Five was racing.

He bet $5555.55 on the horse.

After 5 hours the results are out.

Sure enough the horse comes in fifth.

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My neighbor came pounding on my front door at 2am last night

lucky for him, I was up practicing my bag pipes.

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A guy is approached by a hooker in a bar. She says, "This

A guy is approached by a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I've got a special for you. I'll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy pulls his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three one hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint...my...house."

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A black guy, a white guy, and an asian guy are speeding

They get pulled over by a cop, who decides to humor them. They won't get a ticket if their penis sizes add up to 20 inches. The black guy's dick is 10 inches, the white guy's is 9 inches, and the asian guy's is 1 inch. As they drive away, the black guy says "you're lucky my dick was 10 inches", the white guy says" you're lucky my dick is 9 inches" and the asian says "you're lucky I had a boner."

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Facebook should make a bigger deal over privacy, certainly as far as photos are concerned.

I managed to find a really attractive girl I'd seen before, and without adding her, I could see all her photos, including some in a bikini.
I mean, she's lucky it's only me wanking and not some pervert.

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A guy picks up a hooker

She says, This is your lucky night. I'll do absolutely anything you want for $300.00. as long as you can say it in three words.

The guy pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays $300.00 on the table and says slowly.

Paint…my….house.

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Boy, I just got hit in the head with a can of soda.

I was lucky it was a soft drink.

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My mate told me he was shagging his girlfriend's twin

I said: "you lucky thing! But how do you tell them apart?"

"Oh that's easy" he said, "her brother has a moustache".

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The term "Every 60 second in Africa..." is stupid

Everyone knows Africains don't get seconds.
They're lucky if they get a single serving.

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Mother-in-laws

Two men are sitting in a pub when one turns to the other and says "My mother-in-law is a saint," To which the other man replies "You're so fucking lucky! Mine's still alive,"

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Literary position.

Years ago, my grandparents took me on a vacation to Disneyland. Grandma was excited for me when we boarded the plane, she exclaimed that I was lucky, because I got the Shakespeare seat.

"Why is it the Shakespeare seat Grandma?"

"You are in seat 2-B, so it's the Shakespeare seat."

"Don't be silly Grandma. All the seats on an airplane are Shakespeare seats."

"How do you figure that?"

"Well, it's either seat 2-B or not 2-B."

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Two married men are talking: - My mother-in-law is an angel

- You're lucky, mine's still alive.

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Some people say I am crazy

Lucky for me, only I can hear them

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John is a great painter.

He painted a $100 note on the floor of the classroom; it was so convincing, his teacher breaks her nails trying to pick it up.

She calls John's father on phone to complain about the kid and explains what had happened.

The father, apologizing from his hospital bed replied, 'You are lucky! At home, that idiot drew a VAGINA on the POWER SOCKET. He is the reason am in the hospital.'

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I ended up with an older woman at the club last night. She looked olay for a 57 year old.

We drank a bit and talked a while and she asked if I had ever had a Sportman's Double

"What's that?" I asked.

"It's a mother and daughter threesome", she said.

I said, "No."

We drank a bit more, then she says tonight's my lucky night.

We went back to her place.

She flipped on the hall light and then shouted upstairs: "Mom, you still awake?"

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What are the most funny Lucky jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Lucky? Well, here are the best Lucky dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Lucky pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes