lucky Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious lucky stories

What are the best Lucky puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Lucky? Well here is a complete list of Lucky dad jokes:

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

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A man notices his wife's butt is getting big...

I bet your butt is as big as my grill.

His wife rolls her eyes, but he gets a tape measure, measures her bottom, measures the grill, and teases her that they're about the same size.

That night, he tries to see if he can get lucky. Not tonight, says his wife.

He asks her why not, to which she responds, Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weiner?

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Speeding motorist

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say,..."

"And I said keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

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One day the youngest son asks his mother, "Mom, why do I look so different from all my siblings?"....

The mother says "Son, from what I remember about that party, you are lucky that you don't bark".

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This got legs in a comment thread yesterday so thought I would share.

A man is fishing when he hears a voice. Fish over here. He looks down and sees a frog. Really fish over here. So he does and catches his limit. The man decides to take the frog home when it says a branch is gonna fall just as the man moves out of the way saving both their lives. Deciding the frog is lucky he takes it to vegas. Put it all on 00 on roulette. Doing so the man hits it for a million. So he rents the presidential suite and they bask in the hot tub for a while and lay on the bed. The man says wow, you've done so much for me I wish there was something I could do for you. The frog says kiss me so he soes and poof! The frog turns into a beautiful 17 year old girl and I swear to god that's how she got there your honor.

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Did you ever hear about the Lucky Charms leprechaun's evil twin?

He was tragically malicious.

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Lucky Numbers

There was this man by the name of Mr Five.

His lucky number was, not surprisingly, 5.

He was 55 years old, ate 5 times a day, always brought with him $55 in his wallet and always wore a shirt with 5 pockets.

One day, he saw a horse by the name of Lucky Five was racing.

He bet $5555.55 on the horse.

After 5 hours the results are out.

Sure enough the horse comes in fifth.

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I went on a date with a girl who was clearly out of my league.

But she'd heard that I was going to see a movie she wanted to see, and we made a date of it.

On the way over I thought I might get lucky so I went to the drug store and bought a box of condoms.

When I stopped at her house, her family invited me to dinner. I asked if I could say the blessing on the dinner. I prayed for about ten minutes, the holiest prayer I could think of.

On the way out to the car, she quipped "I never knew you were so religious!" I replied, "I never knew your dad was a pharmacist."

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Facebook should make a bigger deal over privacy, certainly as far as photos are concerned.

I managed to find a really attractive girl I'd seen before, and without adding her, I could see all her photos, including some in a bikini.
I mean, she's lucky it's only me wanking and not some pervert.

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Mother-in-laws

Two men are sitting in a pub when one turns to the other and says "My mother-in-law is a saint," To which the other man replies "You're so fucking lucky! Mine's still alive,"

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Literary position.

Years ago, my grandparents took me on a vacation to Disneyland. Grandma was excited for me when we boarded the plane, she exclaimed that I was lucky, because I got the Shakespeare seat.

"Why is it the Shakespeare seat Grandma?"

"You are in seat 2-B, so it's the Shakespeare seat."

"Don't be silly Grandma. All the seats on an airplane are Shakespeare seats."

"How do you figure that?"

"Well, it's either seat 2-B or not 2-B."

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Some people say I am crazy

Lucky for me, only I can hear them

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I got hit in the head with a can of soda.

I am lucky that it was a soft drink.

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A guy meets a hooker in a bar

She says to him, "this is your lucky night. I've got a special going, for $300 i'll do absolutely anything you can think of but the catch is you have to be able to say it in 3 words or less."

The guy replies, "thats a great deal" then slowly lays out 3 &100 dollar notes and says "Paint... My... House."

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A captain of a pirate ship is sailing the high seas...

when he encounters another ship. A fight breaks out amongst the two ships and the captain requests that his first mate fetch him his lucky red shirt. The captain leads his crew to victory, and after the fight, the first mate mentions that it must have been because of the lucky red shirt. The captain speaks up and says "No matey, I wear this shirt to hide the bloodstains so you will all keep fighting instead of tending to me". A few days later, the ship encounters the Black Pearl, the mightiest ship of the seas. The first mate asks the captain if he'd like his lucky red shirt. He replies "No matey, fetch me my brown pants".

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Two men were talking about their wives

The first man says "My wife is an angel." The second man says "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

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What's the difference between Notre Dame and Lucky Charms cereal?

One of them belongs in a bowl.

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May be too close to home for some people

This little kid runs up to his mother.
He says: "Mommy! mommy! Why am I black, and you're white?"
And the mom says: "Look the way I remember that party, you're lucky you don't fucking bark."

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Reflection vs Refraction

the point at which I realize how lucky I am to not have an Asian professor.

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Hall Sex

Three guys were standing around the golf course talking about how often they have sex with their wives.
The first guys says, "I'm lucky if I get sex once a month. and if we do its just regular old missionary style sex." The other two guys shake their heads in understanding.
The second guy says, "I get to have sex with my wife a couple of times a month and she lets me do it missionary and doggie style." The other two guys again shake their heads in understanding.
The third guy says, "me and my wife have sex every day." His two buddies look at him in amazement and one of them asks, "What kind of sex do yall have?" The guys looks at him and says, "We have hall sex."
His buddies look at him and one says, "Hall sex? I've never heard of that."
The guy looks at him and says, "When we pass each other in the hall we look at each other and say, 'Fuck You'."

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A bear and a rabbit were walking through the forest

All of a sudden they come across a golden turtle. The turtle looks at them and explains that today is their lucky day because he happens to be a magical golden turtle and is going to grant each of them three wishes. The bear, who is a horny fucker, goes first and wishes they he was the only male bear left in the forest. He's going to be a very busy bear come springtime. The rabbit wishes for a crash helmet. It comes with holes for his ears. For his second wish the bear, who is also a bit paranoid, wishes all the bears in the next forest were female too. The rabbit then wishes for a rabbit sized motorcycle. For his final wish the bear wishes that all the bears the world, except him, were female. The rabbit looks at bear, revs his motorcycle and wishes that the bear was gay.

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How can you tell a mechanic has gotten lucky?

He's got one clean finger!

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What does a novice woodworker have in common with a constipated woodworker?

In the end, both are lucky to produce a stool.

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A boy is struggling with his exams...

He catches a lucky break when, as he is walking home one day, he finds a mystical lamp on the side of the road. He rubs the side of the lamp and a genie pops out.
"You may have any item you desire, simply name it." The genie says.
The boy thinks for a second then exclaims,
"I'd like some kind of concealable item that will grant me infinite wisdom."
"As you wish, press the top of this pen and what you desire shall be yours."
The boy takes the pen and is overjoyed, with this pen he'll never have to study again!

His next exam comes around and he walks into the school hall with confidence. He sits at his desk as others around him fidget nervously.

When the papers are handed out, he holds the pen up and triumphantly lowers his thumb over the lever as it produces an audible click.

And in his infinite wisdom he suddenly states with absolute clarity:
*"I should have studied!!!"*

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I have a dog named Lucky...

Sometimes he escapes so we have to go get Lucky.

And sometimes it'll be dark out so we'll be up all night to get Lucky.

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"You're lucky..."

A blonde is in a canoe in a field of grass paddling away. Another blonde walks up to her and says, "Hey! You're that blonde that gives us other blondes a bad name. You're lucky I can't swim or else I'd be all over you!"

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Did you hear about the man who got hit in the head with a can of soda?

He was lucky it was a soft drink.

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Jew jokes

A Jewish woman goes to see her Rabbi and asks, "Yankele and Yosele are both in love with me, who will be the lucky one?''
The wise old Rabbi answers: "Yankele will marry you. Yosele will be the lucky one.

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A depressed man was sitting at a bar.

From across the room, a beautiful prostitute saw this man and began to approach him. "Hey honey, are you looking to get lucky?", she asked. To which the depressed man replied "Yes". She then announced that for $300 she would do anything he wanted, provided he could say it in three words. The depressed man agreed to this and slapped three $100 notes on the counter and with each slap he said "Paint. My. House".

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Want to hear a joke about testicles?

Today's your lucky day, because I've got two!

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Two guys are talking in a bar...

About their wives. The first man proudly tells the other '"My wife's an angel!" to which the other man replies, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

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An Englishman, a Scotsman, and a Paddy go to Saudi Arabia

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and a Paddy go to Saudi Arabia. They decide to start drinking and somehow get caught. the go to see the Sultan for their punishment. The Sultan says "You're lucky today. I'm feeling nice today and I will only give you 50 lashes and you can choose to put anything on your back."
The Englishman chooses a pillow and the pillow takes 6 lashes and he gets the rest on the back.
The Scotsman goes next. he chooses a barrel top. The barrel top takes 25 and he takes the rest to the back.
The Paddy goes last and being an honest man, says "You know, Sultan, the drinking was my idea."
the sultan is surprised by his honesty but says "I appreciate your honesty but since you started it, you shall get 250 lashes"
the Irishman had the Englishman strapped to his back.

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The Great Jamboni

The great Jamboni, eccentric human cannonball known for taking his lucky donkey to all his performances, escaped near tragedy today when the donkey climbed into the cannon muzzle just as Jamboni was taking off. It took the surgeons three hours to remove Jamboni's head from his ass

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So three elderly men at a rest home are conversing about their age...

The first man says, "When I get up at 6:00 AM, it takes me a half hour to pee."

Second man says, "You're lucky. When I get up at 7:00 AM, it takes me a straight hour to take my morning poop."

Third man says, "I piss like a racehorse at 6:00 and crap like a goose at 7:00."

"Then what's the matter with you?" asked the other two.

"Problem is, I'm not up until 8:00!"

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Make your own joke. "My cock is Titanic...."

A few ones to far:

Leonardo Dicaprio went down on it

It's full of dead seamen

Women and children go first

The lucky ones survive

Any more ideas?

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So my dog is named Lucky...

and sometimes he escapes from our house, so we have to go get lucky. And sometimes it'll be dark out, we'll be up all night to get lucky.

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They say nothing in life that's worth having comes easily.

Guess I'm really lucky to have my wife.

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I got hit in the head with a can of soda today

I'm lucky though it was a soft drink

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I'LL KICK YOUR ASS

So a Blondie was driving one day and couldn't believe what she saw. There in a dirt field was another Blondie trying to row a boat. What are you doing? she shouted out her car window. Rowing across this field, what's it look like? Your making all Blondes look bad, whats wrong with you? Fuck you the rowing blonde yelled back. Your lucky I can't swim or I'd come out there and kick your ass, screamed the other Blonde out her car window

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I wanted to roll a joint but i didn't have any paper.

Lucky that i still had my iphone..

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BEST CHRISTMAS JOKE I EVER MADE: A lucky old man found Aladdin magic lamp in his attic!!

A lucky 95 year old grandpa found Alaadin magic lamp in his attic. After he touched it, a genie came out and said, "since it Christmas time, you may ask ONLY ONE wish." Grandpa thought for a bit and said: oh ya, can you build me a bridge from the NY city to London, across the atlantic. Genie replied, "come on grandpa, that's a hassle for me, and it is cold in the Atlantic now, pick an easier wish."

Grandpa paused for a second and said.. Oh ya! Can you make my wife young and hot like those TV supermodels. Genie replied: "Of course! that's a super easy task. How old is your wife?" Grandpa replied, "90, and here is a picture of her now!" Genie replied, "Awesome!!! Would you like the bridge one lane or two lanes?"

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Two elderly men are out fishing on a lake.

They are having a great time together until the oldest of the two sneezes and spits his false teeth into the water. He quickly tried to reach for them but it was too late, they are gone. They continue fishing hoping that they might get lucky and get the teeth back. Suddenly the youngest thinks of a joke. He takes out his own teeth and puts them on the hook of his fishing rod. "Well, look what I just got here": he said and he gave the teeth to his older friend. Happy with his luck the man puts his teeth back in. "What are the odds. These aren't my teeth." he says and he throws them back into the water.

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I'm lucky have a friend like you.

I'm just glad he isn't TOO much like you.

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If Lucky Charms are magically delicious...

it should be called Ethereal box.

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Two Jews emigrate from Russia.

One goes to Israel and the other goes to Germany. One year passes and they get together at a restaurant to catch up.

"Moshe, I'm very lucky" says his friend, "I live in Haifa now where I own a supermarket. The weather is wonderful, and everyone is so kind. I truly have it made."

"Izya, I am lucky as well. I live in Munich and work at a local crematorium, and you won't believe it, BUT I'M BURNING GERMANS!"

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Lucky Friend

My friend called my up the other day, happy that he finally got to cum on his wife's face.

That's the benefit of an open-casket funeral.

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A family and three wishes

Mom, dad and their little girl were walking in the woods when they come across a magical fairy.

"It's your lucky day" says the fairy "I am in a wish granting mood and I will grant each one of you one wish!"

"I want a pony!" Shouts a little girl

"Fuck your pony!" Yells dad angrily

"Get my daughter off of that thing!" Screams mom

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My wife likes to talk a lot right after sex

Lucky i'm never there to listen to her!

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Why was the letter "Z" lucky it was not Jewish?

Because all the other letters were NOT Zs!

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A man was crossing the street when suddenly..

He gets hit by a car. Worried that he might go to the police, the driver gives the victim 10 bucks to let him get away and not go to the police. Feeling lucky, the man takes the money and then asks the driver:

- Sir, do you come here often?

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CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best lucky jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about lucky. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty lucky gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laugh? How do you make someone laugh? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter just like dad jokes. Some of these lucky jokes are funny and some are hilarious. With this collection it's easy to be a joker. Have fun and dig deeper into our archive.

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