The Best 75 Luck Jokes
Following is our collection of funniest Luck jokes. There are some luck option jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these luck unskilled puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Funny Luck Jokes and Puns
I'm not having much luck with jobs lately.
I couldn't concentrate in the orange juice factory; wasn't suited to be a tailor; the muffler factory was just exhausting; couldn't cut it as barber; didn't have the patience to be a doctor; didn't fit in the shoe factory; pool maintenance was too draining and I just couldn't see any future as a historian.
African Roulette
Four men are captured by a tribe in the middle of Africa.
The tribe leader gives them the choice of either death, or they can try their luck at "African Roulette."
The men, as one of the choices seemingly had a chance to stay alive, hastily all chose the second option.
The tribe leader lined up 6 extremely gorgeous women in front of the men, and said "You must choose one of these beautiful women to preform oral sex on you."
The men saw nothing wrong with this and were ecstatic at their luck, yet confused about the "roulette" part.
As they chose their women and were getting ready, the tribe leader spoke up and said, "One of them is a cannibal."
God creates Adam
God creates Adam and it was good. After some time God realizes Adam needs a companion and says to him, "Adam, I have decided to give you a companion. I will give you a woman who will love you and live to please you. She will be intelligent, witty, and above all beautiful. She will cook your meals, wash your clothes, and laugh at all of your jokes."
Adam couldn't believe his luck!
God says, "All this will cost you only and arm and a leg." To which Adam replies, "What can I get for a rib?"
Library suicide
A man goes to the library and asks if they have a book on how to commit suicide.
The librarian says "Yeh, I think we do, it should be at the back row on the top shelf".
The man goes and looks, even climbs a ladder to look at the top but still can't find it.
"Still no luck" says the man.
The librarian replies "Oh, the last person who borrowed it mustn't have brought it back"
Lucky Numbers
There was this man by the name of Mr Five.
His lucky number was, not surprisingly, 5.
He was 55 years old, ate 5 times a day, always brought with him $55 in his wallet and always wore a shirt with 5 pockets.
One day, he saw a horse by the name of Lucky Five was racing.
He bet $5555.55 on the horse.
After 5 hours the results are out.
Sure enough the horse comes in fifth.
Two out-of-work Mexicans knock on a rich guy's door - looking for odd jobs
The rich guy feels for them, so he says, "I'll give you 100 bucks to go out back and paint my porch."
The Mexicans can't believe their luck - and agree. The rich guy gives them a few gallons of paint and some brushes.
About an hour later, they knock on the door. The guy answers, and the Mexicans tell him they are done. He says, "I can't believe you're done so fast. That should have taken at least 5 hours."
One of the Mexicans says, "We are done, Senor. But I have to tell you - that wasn't no porch. That was a Mercedes."
Police Lineup
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect, who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. Detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot."
One of them, when it was his turn, shouted, "That's not what I said!"
I was at a hockey game yesterday and I came up with this horrible joke. Why are women bad luck at hockey games?
Because they never have good periods.
Beer
This morning I was in luck and was able to buy two boxes of "Bud Light" cheap.
I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home. I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.
She glanced at the two boxes of beer, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, handsome. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"
I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer 'ya got?"
A blonde finds herself in serious money trouble...
Lost her job and she's in dire financial straits.
She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my job and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."
Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.
She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my job, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my job, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.
The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself...."Sweetheart, work with Me on this.... Buy a ticket."
So Jesus, Moses and an old man go golfing
The first to play is Jesus. After his swing, the ball land in the lake. He runs towards it, walks on the water and grabs the ball. Then it's Moses' turn. Bad luck, the same thing happens to him. He walks to the lake, spreads the water into two parts and grabs the ball on the dry ground. Finally, it's time for the old man to play. His ball lands on the top of a tree. Instead of getting the ball, he just waits. After a few minutes, a squirrel hiding in the tree takes the ball and goes down. Then a wolf attacks the squirrel, kills it and eats it. He goes further and ends up vomitting the ball, which is then taken by an eagle. The eagle goes even further, but a hunter shoots it down. The ball falls down and lands exactly in the golf hole. It's hole-in-one and the old man wins. Moses looks at Jesus and says: "I hate playing with your dad."
Sorry if it's a bit long, but I really like that one. Also sorry for my writing, I'm not a native English speaker.
You can explore luck clover reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean luck no luck with the ladies dad jokes. There are also luck puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
If you think 7 years of bad luck is too much for breaking a mirror ...
try breaking a condom.
Lazy vultures
Two lazy vultures had procrastinated on flying south for the winter until the first frost hit, then they got worried. "We better catch an airplane to Mexico, lets go to the airport!" So they take off down the road, and as luck would have it, they come across two dead road-killed opossums, that had started to get nice and smelly, just like vultures like them. "What luck, we better take these with us, I heard the airlines don't offer meals on the flight anymore." So they each grab a dead opossum, tuck it under their wing, and head on to the terminal. They walk up to the ticket counter and tell they lady "We'd like two tickets to Cancun, please."
"Very well," she says, "Will you be checking any bags?"
"No," say the vultures, holding up the dead opossum carcasses, "we only have carrion."
The United States has such bad luck
It's almost as if it was build on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.
Bad luck Steve Irwin.
Puts on sunblock.
Doesn't protect against harmful rays.
Lucky I didn't get caught...
I was nailing this chick in the park the other weekend. And I was so lucky not to get caught.
Supposedly crucifixions are illegal these days
Lucky day for Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly.
Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly was watching the news when he witnessed something astounding. A young Syrian man had just thrown a hand grenade over 100 yards through the window of a building into a room that housed a sniper. He was so impressed that he had the man found and brought into the states to play for his team.
After a very successful rookie season the young man was discussing his rookie of the year award via telephone with his mother.
She told him that she was proud but living in fear constantly. She continued " your brother was shot twice just in the last few weeks and your sister is regularly the victim of assault. Matters have escalated and life is worse than it has ever been. I will never, ever forgive you for bringing us to Philly."
I'm Friends with a Really Poor Guy
He's been down on his luck lately, so he told me that he had to become a male prostitute to make ends meet. One day, he walked up to me and said that he made a really good amount of money the night before.
Me: How much did you make?
Him: I made $250.05.
Me: Who on earth gave you 5 cents?
Him: Everyone.
Three blondes are in an elevator
Three blondes are in an elevator when the elevator suddenly stops and the lights go out. They try using their cell phones to get help, but have no luck. Even the phones are out.
After a few hours of being stuck with no help in sight, one blonde says to the others "I think the best way to call for help is by yelling together."
The others agree with the first, so they all inhale deeply and begin to yell loudly "Together, together, together."
BLONDE LUCK
A blonde was at a gumball machine. She kept putting quarters in and getting gumballs out. The man behind her asked if he could get a gumball. She said, "Shut up! I'm winning."
If breaking a mirror is seven years of bad luck. What would have to break to give you 18?
a condom
Gentleman
Despite the fact that I'm a gentleman, I have no luck with women, I just always seem to screw things up.
Recently I saw an attractive woman. I decided to open the doors for her. Unfortunately, she got sucked out of the plane.
Break a mirror and get 7 years of bad luck...
Break a condom and get 18
I don't worry about Friday the 13th.
It's bad luck to be superstitious.
A couple of men in prison were telling each other jokes
After telling them so many times to each other they started referring to them as numbers. Someone would shout "45!" and they'd all start laughing. One day a new inmate arrived. He never understood why they laughed everytime someone said a number, so he just laughed along. After a week or so he decided it was his turn to try, so he shouted "345!" and to his luck, everyone laughed like never before because they hadn't heard that one before.
TIL that the term "A stroke of luck" has more than one meaning-
-when my fortune teller gave me a handjob.
A Husband came home late at night from the office one day and realised he forgot his Wife's birthday...
"How would you feel if you don't see me for next few days?" His wife said
He couldn't believe his luck. He replied at once. "Wowww.....That would be great!''
Monday passed & he didn't see her....
Tuesday he didn't see her...
and Wednesday passed too...
On Thursday the swelling was better as he caught a glimpse of her from the corner of his left eye.
A girl from the office is trying to get me fired for
sexual harassment because I've been giving her "inappropriate massages during work"
I said, Good luck sweetheart. I don't even work here.
Never iron a four leaf clover...
You don't want to press your luck.
A black guys walks into a bank...
... says "I'm looking for a job!"
The bank manager says, "Well, you're in luck! We have a position opening tomorrow that pays $48,000 a year and has access to a free car!"
The black guy says "You're joking."
The bank manager says "Well, you started it!"
With all the bad luck that the US has seen this year...
You'd almost think this country was built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
America sure is having some bad luck
It's almost like it was built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
What's worse than getting 7 years of bad luck from breaking a mirror?
Getting a lifetime of bad luck from breaking a condom.
[nsfw] What do you call it when a leprechaun gives you a handjob?
A stroke of luck
Why are there no female suicide bombers?
Good luck convincing a girl by telling her if she do it, she will meet 70 virgins in heaven.
My friend said that he was going to try online dating.
I said, "I didn't have much luck with it personally."
"But that's where *we* met," said my wife.
I said, "Exactly."
Bad luck
Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!
Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck.
*condom walks in laughing*
Break a mirror, 7 years of bad luck.
Break a condom, your bad luck will probably outlive you.
3 spies from England, France and Italy were sent to the USSR.
After a week they were captured and put in jail. The Russians took the English spy, tied and tortured him and after 20 minutes he gave all the info.
Then the Russians took the French spy. They tied and tortured him, and after 20 minutes he too gave all the info.
Then they took the Italian spy and did the same to him, but he didnt give any info. They kept torturing him for 3 hours but with no luck. Eventually they gave up and put him back in the cell.
The 2 other spies asked him How did you do that? They tortured us like crazy! The Italian replied: I wanted to give all my info, but they tied my hands and so I couldn't speak.
This girl wants to get me fired for giving her inappropriate shoulder rubs...
Good luck with that, I don't even work there.
America is going through such bad luck at the moment
It's as if the whole country were built on haunted Indian burial grounds...
My Mom told me I shouldn't try bungee jumping...
I came into this world because of broken rubber, shouldn't test my luck and go out the same way.
A trucker gets lost one day and as luck would have it, he comes to low bridge and gets stuck under it...cars are backed up for miles behind him....
Eventually, a cop car pulls up, the officer gets out and walks up, laughing hysterically and pointing at the trucker.
He puts his hands on his hips and says with a chuckle, "Got stuck, eh?"
The trucker replies, "No sir, not at all, you see, I was delivering this bridge when I ran out of gas..."
For my birthday, my friend bought me a book called, "Road Kill Recipes". As luck would have it, the very next day, I came across some road kill, so I cooked it according to one of the recipes in the book and it was delicious...
I'm just not sure what I should do with the bike...
A carpenter, a tailor, a sailor, a priest and an economist were stranded on a desert island.
"I could chop down the trees and make a raft." Says the carpenter.
"I can stitch a few sheets into a mast."
Says the tailor.
"I can navigate the oceans with the help of the stars."
Says the sailor.
"I will pray for favourable winds and good luck."
Says the the priest.
All they needed now was to chop down a tree to make the raft.
"That's easy," says the economist. "Let's assume an axe."
A beer bottle, a mirror, and a condom are all talking to each other....
Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!
Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!
Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)
My friend's OCD is really killing his luck with women
As soon as he turns them on, he has to turn them off.
Tell you what, it's lucky that those Kids trapped in the cave in Thailand are footballers
It means they're already good divers.
I often tell myself
"You're lucky the cloning machine worked."
This woman keeps going to HR to try to get me fired for giving her "inappropriate" massages. Good luck with that.
I don't even work here.
Me and my wife gave our 15 year old daughter the "go ahead" to start dating boys, but she is having the worst luck.
Every one she meets online gets arrested.
A 13 month old baby breaks a mirror, giving it 7 years of bad luck.
The good news, his mom is an anti-vaxxer.
Glass: If someone breaks me, its one year of bad luck
Mirror: Thats nothing. If someone breaks me, its seven years of bad luck.
Condom: hahahaha
TIL that Garden Gnomes are a symbol of good luck.
It's a little gnome fact.
A good advice to avoid click bait
Better luck next time.
Good pickup line.
Two male flies are buzzing around the farmyard when they spot a female fly landing on a fresh pile of cow dung.
The one fly says, "Wow, she is cute! I'm going to try to talk to her, wish me luck."
He swoops down, lands right next to her and says, "Excuse me Miss, is this stool taken?"
The US government has been there for us through hard times From the great depression, the numerous market crashes, through pandemics of flu and tragedies like the loss of American lives.
I'm starting to think they're bad luck
I wish I could get lucky with banks as I am with women.
Women always offer a 0% interest rate.
I've always had bad luck with women.
My first wife died and now my second wife won't.
What's the difference between bad luck and extreme bad luck?
Bad luck is when your mother-in-law falls into a river.
Extreme bad luck is when someone saves her.
A beer bottle, a mirror and a condom go to the pub.
The beer bottle thinks for a moment and says, You know, if you break me, you get a years bad luck.
The mirror looks incredulous at this comment and says, That's nothing, if you break me you get 7 years bad luck.
The condom starts to laugh so hard he falls on the floor.
A beer bottle is sitting on a table.
And it is saying Well you know if you break me you get a years bad luck
The mirror is sitting on the wall and saying Are you kidding me if you break me you get seven years bad luck
And the condom is just sitting there saying HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
A Patient Needs a Heart Transplant
The surgeon tells the patient, "You are in luck; we have two matching donors! A twenty-year-old athlete and an eighty-year-old lawyer. Which heart do you want?"
The patient answers, "Give me the lawyer's heart. That one hasn't been used yet."
I was seriously depressed after a recent loss. My GF bought me an Xbox
But that didn't help. So she tried a Playstation - no luck there either. She ended up going through everything from a Sega Master System to a Nintendo Switch, but nothing helped - turns out I was just inconsolable
My luck is like a bald guy...
...who just won a comb.
I need everyone to wish me luck. I have a meeting at the bank later and if all goes well, I will be out of debt.
I'm so excited I can barely put on my ski mask.
I have a math exam
My mom said she will give me 200$ if I pass.
My dad said he will give me 500$ if I pass.
I'm gonna get 1000$ after passing that easy exam,Wish me luck.
Cakeday Joke, a day late...
A girl walks up to her mother and asks, "Mommy, why am I named Clover?"
"Your grandma believes that it brings luck to our family."
Then, her other daughter walks up. "Mommy, why am I named Nirvana?"
"Because, your aunt believes that is the place you go when you are enlightened."
Finally, her son walks up to her. "Those names make sense, but why am I named *Cakeday?"*
His mother sighs. "Your father believes it is the best way to earn karma."
I have a tongue twister for all to try, I learnt this when I was a fifteen year old kid, I can still pull it off to a tee..
I'm not the Pheasant plucker, I'm the Pheasant pluckers mate.
I'm only plucking Pheasants because the Pheasant pluckers late.
Good Luck..
What's the difference between becoming a famous stand-up comedian by your own devices vs stealing your jokes?
One is luck n' fame, the other is fuckin' lame.
Carolyn, a rich blonde, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, it just won't move at all. After trying to drive at night for a week, with no luck, she furiously calls the dealers and they send out a technician to help...
He examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it, so he asks, "Ma'am, are you sure you are using the right gears?"
Full of anger, she growls, "How on earth you could ask such a question!? I'm not stupid you know! Of course I am using the right gears; I use D during the day and N at night."
I just joined a foot fetish group, but I'm not having any luck connecting with anyone.
Everybody I meet, it seems like I'm getting off on the wrong foot.
Young couple at doctors office
Young couple visits doctor seeking advice,
"Sir you gotta help us, we tried everything to have a baby, we tried vitamins, we tried changing positions, we tried every different day of the month, we searched internet for pregnancy advice, but we just can't seem to have any luck with it, we need to know if there is some medical problem."
Doctor sat back on his chair crossed his hands and sighed,
"You boys are nuts."
What starts with two i's and ends with an i and an r?
A pirate with bad luck
A drummer needed a car, but only had $200
A drummer desperately needed a car, any car, to get to work, but he only had $200. He called his friend who owned a used car lot and explained the situation.
You're in luck, the friend told the drummer. I've got a brand new Jaguar. Runs great. Looks great. For you, only $200. One small problem: it doesn't have any doors.
The drummer let out a mournful sigh and said that's no good – how'm I gonna get in?
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the luck hauls jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working luck misfortune piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.