The Best 90 Lovers Jokes

Why do hunters make good lovers?

1. They always go deep in the bush.
2. They shoot often.
3. They always eat what they shoot.

Why do hunters make better lovers?

- They penetrate deep into the bush...

- They shoot at least twice...

- They eat what they shoot...

A man runs into his lovers ex...

A man runs into his lovers ex-boyfriend at the bar. The ex says, "how is the old nag?" The man says, " A little banged up on the surface, but down deep, she's good as new!"

Why do computer scientists make such lousy lovers?

'Cause they always want to do the job faster than before. And when they do, they say the performance has improved.

Some advice to you lovers out there...

They may say you cantaloupe, but honeydew it anyways.

Why do North Korean statesmen make for bad lovers?

Because they won't hold a public erection.

Two lovers get romantic on the night of their wedding.

The newly wed lady blushes and asks, "Honey, where will you take us for our honeymoon?"

"I will take you to the farthest islands of the Caribbean!"

"Really? And what would you do on our 25th anniversary?", asks the wife, now blushing even more.

"I will bring you back."

What's the difference between Ann Coulter and shooting arrows at lovers?

Shooting arrows at lovers is a Cupid stunt.

My Favorite Joke (Sorry Cat Lovers)

How do you make a cat go Woof?

Soak it in gasoline and throw it in a fire place!

I asked my wife what women really want and she said attentive lovers.

...Or maybe she said "a tent of lovers." I wasn't really listening...

A guy and his wife are going at it...

Lost in the moment, she says "None of my other lovers have been able to satisfy me like you do."

The husband thinks for a second. "Didn't you say you were a virgin before we were married?"

The wife says "I was."

PETA sponsored a new hot spot to get money from partying rich and famous animal lovers.

It closed after one week. Apparently "Club Baby Seals" wasn't a good name for it.

Quebec lovers

Why do Quebecers like to make love doggy style?

So they can both watch the hockey game at the same time!

An art museum in Virginia...

An art museum in Virginia recently opened an exhibition of Robert Mapplethorpe's male nudes. The display of that kind of art in a conservative state has lead to a great deal of local controversy, with local church groups picketing the museum, along with counter-demonstrators by art lovers, civil libertarians, and gay rights groups.

The local paper has begun referring to it as the Battle of Manasses.

Why are defense lawyers the best lovers?

Because they're great at getting you off.

I like my lovers like I like my golf score

Hand drawn, messy, and totally unconvincing.

Here is a good one for the math lovers.

1

On a bench, in the park, two lovers

are kissing passionately. At some point another man sits down next to them and starts staring at the woman.
Eventually, her partner gets fed up by the staring and tells the other man:
- I haven't seen such insolence in my whole life!
- I'm sorry, I did not mean to disturb you, but I need to ask my wife to give me keys to the house.

I had a welsh friend who tried counting all his lovers to me

but each time, I kept falling asleep

I asked my wife what women really want and she said "attentive lovers"...

...actually she might have said "A tent of lovers", I don't really listen to her needs and opinions.

Two windmills walk into a bar...

They had a good moment.
___________________________

Hopefully there's some engineering joke lovers out there :)

Time Lords make the worst lovers...

It's always bigger on the inside

What do you call two Korean lovers?

Seoulmates

U.S male active duty and veterans...on this special day, make sure to call up all your old flames, current lovers. Wives and girlfriends as well as any others who helped you out during long deployments and say.....

"Thank you for your cervix!"

Did you hear about the Jewish couple that met during the Holocaust?

They were star-crossed lovers.

What is a brain dead couples' favorite pizza?

Veggie lovers

What do you call a residential area for horse lovers?

A neighbourhood.

What do you call people who use sandpaper to remove any evidence that Ernie and Bert are gay lovers?

Bernie Sanders.

How many lovers do the religious have?

Nun!

What happened when the two lovers were watching a scary movie in a year when Valentine's day happened to fall on Friday the 13th?

*Oh wait, nevermind. I'm an idiot...*

What do you call it when a photo of gay lovers falls from the wall and shatters into two pieces, tearing them apart?

Broke back-mounting.

The Date

A man drives his date up to lovers lane and parks. "I have to be honest with you" the woman says as the guy makes his move."I`m a hooker".
The man thinks about this for a bit and decides he`s ok with it. He agrees to pay her $25 and they go at it.

After they finish, the guy says,

"Now I should be honest too. I`m a cab driver and its going to cost you $25 to get back to town".

My wife says that all she wants is an attentive lover......

...or maybe it was a tent of lovers. I don't really know, I wasn't paying attention.

Why do accountants make good lovers?

Q: Why do accountants make good lovers?
A: They're great with figures.

Why do ghosts make for horrible lovers?

They have Halloweenies.

How do conspiracy theorists like their lovers?

Illumi-naughty

A toast to wives, girlfriends, and lovers.

May they never meet.

Why are quantum physicists bad lovers?

When they find the position, they can't find the momentum. When they find the momentum, they can't find the position.

Why do Hunters make the best lovers?

They go deep in the bush, shoot more than once and eat what they shoot at.

The fruit forbidden lovers hate...

Cantaloupe

guitarists are pretty good as bisexual lovers

on the one hand, their fingering must be pretty good; on the other, their wrist action must be pretty good too.

Why do insomniacs make such great lovers?

They stay up all night.

Which deadly sin do bread lovers commit?

Gluten-ny

When you see lovers names carved into a tree,

Do you think that's sweet, or do you worry that people bring knives on dates

My father told me that whenever I find myself having trouble with my partner I should stop and listen to my heart.

My heart says, "BEAT BEAT BEAT!"

^^^For ^^^real ^^^though, ^^^don't ^^^beat ^^^your ^^^lovers.

Why do accountants make good lovers?

They're great with figures.

Bonsai lovers are very tolerant people.

They hate bigotry.

Cat ownership is like the economy

50% of cats are owned by the top 1% of cat lovers

Where do posole lovers go to meet?

E hominy

What do Kiwis do when they can't sleep?

Well, just like in many other cultures, they start counting lovers.

Why won't any sea creatures date oysters?

Rumour has it they're shellfish lovers.

If Valentine's Day is for lovers..

then Palm Sunday is for the single.

Why do the English make better lovers than the Germans?

Because the English are the only one's who can stay on top for 45 minutes and still come second.

Why were B and D long distance lovers?

Because there was a C between them.

What do you call two wandering ant lovers

Roam-ants

Whenever I see two lovers names carved into a tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I think it's shocking how many people bring a knife on a date.

Could-a Would-a Should-a

Or as cheese lovers like to say,

Gouda Wouda Shouda

Did you hear about the Scottish spoonerist who was named after his former lovers?

Shifty Feep was the name

What do undead lovers call each other

Zom-bae

If Romeo and Juliet were tuna...

they would be Starkist lovers.

Puzzled at Lovers Lane

How do you call Greek gentleman with 1000 lovers?

-Shepherd

What do you call an ISIS member who has a 100 lovers?

A shepherd.

Palm Sunday

For Dads ... Fathers Day,
For mothers ... Mothers Day,
For Lovers ... Valentines Day
For Wankers there is Palm Sunday

Sad news for music lovers today....

Justin Bieber was found in his hotel room, alive.

Whenever I see lovers names carved into a tree, I don't think that's cute

I'm just glad I'm not the only one who brings a knife on a date

I was thinking about building a campground with a theme of aquatic life.

A vacation for sea lovers and campers alike, to all in-tents and porpoises.

Why do Cajuns make better lovers?

Because they'll eat anything.

There must be opera lovers at Nissan. I'm surprised they haven't named a model Dorma.

No point in losing sleep over it, I guess.

Why do fruit lovers

often come in pears?

Why do basketball players make bad lovers?

Because they always dribble before they shoot.

I wrote a Country song about how all my former lovers are Transsexual

It's called "All My Ex's Have Changed Sexes"

What do you call it when the Pope sends letters to his forbidden past lovers?

Ex-communication

What do Viking and Packer fans have in common?

They are both Cousins lovers.

Why do Bankers make for great lovers

Because they know the penalty for early withdrawals

Why do accountants make the best lovers?

Cause they're skilled at double entry

A husband and wife are in bed...

She turns to him and says 'how many lovers have you ever had?' He refuses to answer saying 'you'll only get upset' she doesn't give up though so... 'fine!' and he starts counting... '1,2,3,4,5, you,6,7......

I love how our names for recreational drug users give an idea of their drug of choice.

If they are a frequent user of marijuana, they're a stoner.

Some like to include psychedelics, and we call them hippies.

Our cocaine lovers are cokeheads.

People obsessed with meth are tweakers.

Finally some people like Bill Cosby prefer qualudes or rohypnol, and we call them rapists.

For all the animal lovers out there

A teacher is in front of the class teaching word problems. She asks little Susie,

Teacher: If you had 5 pets and someone wanted 3 of them, how many would you have?

Susie: 5, I'm not going to give them away.

Teacher: Alright, if you had 5 pets and someone forcibly took 3 of them, how many would you have?

Susie: 5...and a dead body.

High school math teachers true-love story....

After being separated for years by cruel fate, the two star-crossed lovers raced towards each other like two freight trains... one leaving Cleveland at 6:30pm and traveling south at 55mph and the other having left Topeka at 4:15pm heading east at 35mph...

What do you get when your lovers soul is permanently stuck in a sword?

A bae-blade

Robots are the most loyal lovers

Their love just can't be bot.

Why radio lovers love to play hide and seek?

Because **RADIO OR NOT** here i come!

​

(Okay, that wasn't quite good)

What does furrys and fastfood lovers have together?

They both love hot dogs

European heaven/ European hell

European heaven is a place where the chefs are spanish, the police is british, the mechanics are germans, the lovers are italians and everything is organized by the swiss.

European hell is a place where the chefs are british, the police is german, the mechanics are spanish, the lovers are swiss and everything is organized by the italians.

​

Heaven is a place where the police are English, the cooks are French, the mechanics are German, the lovers are Italian, and everything is organized by the Swiss...

Hell, on the other hand, is where the police are German, the cooks are English, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss, and everything is organized by the Americans.

Here's to our wives and lovers...

May they never meet.

Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated.

Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.

The first man said, "My Ryan loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky."

The second man said, "My Ross was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake."

The third man said, "My Jack was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."

Whenever I see some initials carved into a tree with some hearts, I also think it's romantic.

Two lovers on a date in the wood and one of them carrying a knife for some reason.

Something to offend everyone...

In Heaven:

The French are the cooks, and the Germans are the engineers. The British are the policemen. The Italians are the lovers, and the Swiss run everything.

But in Hell:

The Germans are the policemen. The British are the cooks. The Swiss are the lovers, the French are the engineers. And the Italians run everything.