Lover Jokes
134 lover jokes and hilarious lover puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about lover that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Make your loved ones laugh with these hilarious jokes about dog lovers, cat lovers, tea lovers, animal lovers, coffee lovers, soulmates, and mistresses. Perfect for a spouse, partner, or significant other, these jokes will make everyone's day brighter!
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Funniest Lover Short Jokes
Short lover jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The lover humour may include short roulette jokes also.
- Whenever I see two lovers names carved into a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I think it's shocking how many people bring a knife on a date.
- My girlfriend told me I'm her 32nd lover Turns out what she really meant was I'm her thirty second lover
- I came home to an intervention put on by my ex-lovers, my mom and my dad. And this is why we need the oxford comma.
- The more time you spend with your lover, the more you become like them. That explains why I'm so childish.
- I asked my wife what women really want and she said attentive lovers. ...Or maybe she said "a tent of lovers." I wasn't really listening...
- My wife must have had sixty-one boyfriends before she married me because she calls me her sixty-second lover.
- Dark HUMOR When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.
- My one night stand said I'm a lousy lover after we finished Asked her how can she tell after 30 seconds?
- My wife said that I'm a lousy lover... My wife said that I'm a lousy lover...
How can she know that after only two minutes? - Why are quantum physicists such bad lovers? When they find the position, they can't find the momentum. And if they do find the momentum, then they can't find the position.
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Lover One Liners
Which lover one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with lover? I can suggest the ones about riot and honeymoon.
- How would a Muslim describe Castro's gay, atheist lover? In Fidel.
- A toast to wives, girlfriends, and lovers. May they never meet.
- Sad news for music lovers today.... Justin Bieber was found in his hotel room, alive.
- I thought I was world's best lover Until i found out my wife has asthma.
- What does furrys and fastfood lovers have together? They both love hot dogs
- Here is a good one for the math lovers. 1
- What do you call someone who writes poetry for their dead lover? A necromantic.
- Bonsai lovers are extremely tolerant people. They hate bigotry.
- What did the ram say as his lover lay on her deathbed? There will never be another ewe.
- So my ex-wife is a bird lover... she always wanted a black cockatoo
- Safety is a terrible lover Safety always comes first
- If Valentine's Day is for lovers.. then Palm Sunday is for the single.
- What do you call an ISIS member who has a 100 lovers? A shepherd.
- Why were B and D long distance lovers? Because there was a C between them.
- What do you call Cupid's arrow when he upgrades to a crossbow? A lover's quarrel
Dog Lover Jokes
Here is a list of funny dog lover jokes and even better dog lover puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Be the person your dog thinks you are. A gentle lover.
- As a dog lover and PC player... I obviously buy only To-Shiba hard drives.
- People say they're dog lovers... People say they're dog lovers, but when was the last time you saw them even celebrate just 4 of their dog's birthdays in one human year?
- What's a dog lovers favorite spice? Puprika
- What's a dog lover's favorite pizza? Pupperoni
- any dog lovers out there? im always looking for new recipes
- What is a dog lover's favorite cookie? Keebler
Animal Lover Jokes
Here is a list of funny animal lover jokes and even better animal lover puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I am an animal lover and activist. I actively put animals on my plate and I love to eat them.
- What did the animal lover get put on their body? A cattoo
- PETA sponsored a new hot spot to get money from partying rich and famous animal lovers. It closed after one week. Apparently "Club Baby Seals" wasn't a good name for it.
Cat Lover Jokes
Here is a list of funny cat lover jokes and even better cat lover puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Cat ownership is like the economy 50% of cats are owned by the top 1% of cat lovers
- What do you call some extra body weight on a crazy cat lover? A little cusheen for the Pusheen.
- They say saint Francis was a serious cat lover... Some may even agree he's a Catholic.
- Cat lovers Their pets also qualify for the obnoxious neighbor award.
Happy Lover Jokes for a Lighthearted Night with Friends
What funny jokes about lover you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean overs jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make lover pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
First guy: I've got a big problem. I'm married to a wonderful cook, a marvelous lover, and the best-looking woman in town.
Second guy: So what's the problem?
First guy: Having more than one wife is i**....
A woman places an ad looking for a man to be her lover
The ad reads: "Looking for a man with 3 qualities: won't beat me up, won't run away from me, and is great in bed."
A few days later her doorbell rings. The man says, "Hi, I'm Dave. I have no arms so I won't beat you, and no feet so I won't run away."
"What makes you think you're great in bed?" the woman retorts.
Dave replies, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you get a smoking hot lover?
Stop using l**... and go really fast.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
difference between e**... and k**...
e**... is is rubbing a feather all over your lover; k**... is using the chicken.
Ol' Merl & Ethel
Ol' Merl & Ethel were sitting on the porch, enjoying the summer breeze. Suddenly, Ethel reaches over and smacks poor ol' Merl right out of his chair. "What was that for?" he exclaims. "That's for being such a lousy lover all these years." Well, Merl gets back in his chair, sits quietly for a while, then reaches over and smacks Ethel right back. "And what was that for?" Ol' Merl drawls, "That's for knowing the difference."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
received c**...
from shellfish lover
My mother told me this one...
One day a lonely woman decided to call the dating service. They asked her what she wanted in a man. She replied "I want a man who won't hit me, I want a man who won't leave me, and I want a great lover!" They said ok he will be there in one hour. So the woman gets ready for her date, and an hour later she hears the doorbell ring. She goes to the door but no one is there. When all of a sudden she hears "down here!". She looks down and sees a man with no arms and no legs lying on the doormat. She asks "can i help you?" He says "I am from the dating service." But she does not believe him. He sees this and says "just tell me what you want in a man. She says "I want a man who won't hit me". "Lady I ain't got any arms". "I want a man who wont leave me". "Lady I ain't got no legs". "And I want a great lover" she says. To which he replies "lady, how do you think I rang the doorbell?"
penny scales
A woman stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and put in a coin.
"Listen to this," she said to her husband, showing him a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."
"Yeah," her husband nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."
Getting a haircut is a lot like the first time with a new lover...
There isn't really any conversation besides some nervous laughter and her asking me "How long has it been?" and "Do you like that?" and I'm never sure how much tip is appropriate.
Then I pay her, say thanks, and leave.
I'd like to tell you that I'm a lover, not a fighter...
Unfortunately, I've been punched in the face more often than I've gotten laid. Thus, statistically....
Followup: So let me tell you about the only time I've ever been punched in the face...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Late Night Phone Call To The Vet
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbor`s male dog
while the neighbors were on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.
However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds,
rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage,
as so frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet,
who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,
"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.
I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his e**...
and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"Just worked on me," he replied.
A Frenchman has a wife and a lover
He loves his lover the most.
An Englishman has a wife and a lover, he loves his wife the most.
A Jewish man has a wife and a lover, he loves his mother the most.
Dog at the bar
A man's sitting next to a dog at the bar
Woman walks in, "Is your dog friendly? I'm a dog lover, can I pet him?"
Man replies "sure"
Dog proceeds to bite woman
Irate woman to the man, "I thought you said your dog was friendly! "
Man replies, "That aint my dog"
Two lovers get romantic on the night of their wedding.
The newly wed lady blushes and asks, "Honey, where will you take us for our honeymoon?"
"I will take you to the farthest islands of the Caribbean!"
"Really? And what would you do on our 25th anniversary?", asks the wife, now blushing even more.
"I will bring you back."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old couple gets pulled over and...
Lady cop - "May I see you license and registration sir?"
Old man - "ugh, what did she say?"
Old wife - "She needs to see you license and registration dear."
**The old man hands it to the lady cop and...**
Lady cop - "Oh, I see you are from New York. I used to have a lover from New York, he was the worst lover I ever had."
Old man - "ugh, what did she say?"
Old wife - "Nothing dear, She thinks she used to know you."
She told me I was a talented lover
I told her I studied a broad.
Best science jokes
I need a great list of the dorkiest geekiest nerdiest science jokes ever. Here's one to start you off:
Why was Heisenberg a terrible lover? Because when he had the time, he didn't have the energy. And when he had the energy he didn't have the time
Whenever I call my husband to wash the dishes, I am reminded what a great lover he is.
He never comes quickly.
A pizza guy enters an obesity clinic and says, "I have 15 meat lover pizzas with extra cheese."
The nurse at the receptionist desk angrily asks him, "Why would you come here and mock our patients?"
The pizza guy defensively answers, "It's just what the doctor ordered!"
A guy is laying in bed with his mistress...
- Shouldn't your husband be coming soon? Cause I'd rather not see him, he's my best friend after all...
- Don't worry, he won't be here before an hour.
At that moment, the phone rings. The woman answers : "Hi honey. Ok honey, yes honey. Bye Honey"
She hangs up and turns towards her lover :
- It was my husband, he'll be an hour late. He's playing pool with you.
Rick.
Rick is a total lover of Pixar movies. He will lend you any title except for one.
He is never gonna give you Up.
Guy playing chess with his Central European lover
"Czech and mate"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the p**... ejaculatist say to his offended lover?
Sorry...
That came out wrong.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"Woman was in bed with her lover" Clever Woman
The woman was in bed with her lover and had just told him how s**... her Irish husband was when the door was thrown open and there stood her husband. He glared at her lover and bellowed, "What are you doing?" "There," said the wife, "didn't I tell you he was s**...?"
A Man asks his lover in a restaurant
Man : Honey, what do you love most about me?
Woman : I love your company the most darling!
Man : Wow really? that is so sweet of you my love
Woman : Um, it's still making money right?
*edit :forgot to mention that I remember this joke from Benny Hills show, not my own joke
*edit 2 : Benny Hills not Benn, autocorrect strikes again!
How many lovers do the religious have?
Nun!
How does a handwriting analyst determine how his lover is feeling?
He looks into his lover's 'I's.
The silver-tongued lover can always make a woman blush...
... because they're a practiced, cunning linguist.
Zorro went up to his lover and left his horse
Under the window so he could jump right on, in case her husband returned.
So he is making love and suddenly hears knock on the door. He quickly grabs his clothes and jumps thought the window.
Woman opens the door and there is Zorro's horse and he goes:
"hey, tell him that it's raining outside and I will be waiting in the hall"
new iPhone 7
son: Daddy, buy me the new iPhone 7
Dad: What is the magic word?
son: Natasha
Dad: who is Natasha
son: your lover
Dad: do you need also a case?
What did the lighter color shade tell to its dark lover?
I want hue.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A women tells her lover to "Put two fingers in." So he does...
Then she says, "put your hand in." So he does.
Then she says, "Put your other hand in." So he does.
Then she says, "Now clap." And he says, "I can't".
And she says proudly, "Tight, huh?"
Why was 5 a good lover?
Because he waited 4 3 2 come 1st.
_____
Follow up:
Q: "Funny. But really, how good was the 6 4 5?"
A: "Just average, but the 6 was only a 5 4 3 2."
______
^^^\( ^^^I ^^^made ^^^this ^^^up ^^^give ^^^me ^^^a ^^^cookie. ^^^)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman was having s**... with her husband's best friend when the telephone rang
And her husband's cell phone number appeared on the caller ID.
As she answered the call, her lover jumped out of bed and began to dress in a hurry
"Relax," she said after she hung up the phone.
he was just calling to tell me that he'll be home late because he's out bowling with you.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do a lover and an electric guitar have in common?
You'll get a lot of feedback if you're not f**... them correctly.
A Russian submarine
A Russian submarine was sailing,and the captain felt a huge shake.Confused,he ran to Vladimir and asked him: "What was that,was it an earthquake or we hit something?",Vladimir said: "No Captain,Ivan's girlfriend ran with her lover to Venice", the captain even more confused says:Yeah,but what's the matter with that and the shake?Vladimir said:Well,there is no more Venice...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A kid doctor is called a pediatrician, and an animal lover is a z**..., what do you call someone who loves kids.
A Priest
I guy I know thought he was a truly fantastic lover...
But it turns out all the women who told him that were lying in bed.
People say you should treat your girlfriend like a lover and a bestfriend.
So I made love to her then bragged about a girl I shagged on the weekend.
Darkened Room
A young associate was romantically ambushed in a darkened room of the law firm. After months of the social isolation that comes from eighty hour work weeks, the associate was happy to reciprocate. However, when asked by a friend to identify the lover, the associate was puzzled. "All I know for sure is that it was a partner -- I had to do all the work."
What did Al Pacino say to his lover?
Say hello to my little friend!
What did the necropheliac say after his lover was cremated?
Can I still get a piece of ash?
My lover always dresses as a panda when we are in bed
Unfortunately, I don't think we'll last; he just eats shoots and leaves.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two couples are getting bored with their s**... lives, so they decide to swap partners
After a night of wild passionate s**..., Mike wakes up, rolls over, kisses his new lover, and says, "Last night was absolutely mind-blowing! Come on. Let's go see how the ladies made out."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm officially the worst lover ever.
I was m**... and my hand fell asleep.
A man goes to the movie theater
He sees a childhood friend of his embracing a woman in the back rows. He goes up to them and asks, "Who's this?"
His friend proudly replies, "It's my lover!"
The man then said, "Not you, I'm asking my wife."
Did you hear about a Scotsman who went to Kiev?
He heard it was easier to pick up a lover in Ewekraine.
At first I thought less of Gordon Ramsey based on his wife...
But you can't judge a cook by its lover...
So my ex girlfriend called me told me she has clamydia...
it didnt surprise me
she was always a shellfish lover
What is the proper term for a lover of East Indian cuisine who doesn't deviate from the norm?
A naan conformist.
Told my girlfriend that I've started writing a book about a serial killer that murders his lover.
She said, "That sounds exciting. I love thrillers."
I said, "It's not a thriller, it's an autobiography."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Bernie Sanders supporter has erectile dysfunction and can't get it up
He says to his lover, My e**... was rigged!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Patient: Doc I make my lover call me sigma during i**.... Does that make me weird?
Psychologist: not at all, it's a standard deviation.
What do you call a deer who ran away with her ant lover?
An Antelope.
What do you call a pirate who became a sheppard?
A Lamb Lover
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man and a woman are about to have s**... for the first time
They just finished u**... each other when she stops him and says, "There's something I need to tell you."
He stops enjoying the view to look her in the eye and say, "What, what is it?"
"I used to be man..."
He sits on the edge of the bed and looks over her body slowly, not saying a word. Worried she might have lost her lover for the night she says, "Is everything OK?"
"Yes... It's just a lot to take in."
As a lover of ghostly evil characters I REALLY love my local D&D group
It's Wights only
I'm trying to learn how to be a more sensitive lover.
I watched a video called "How to improve your foreplay technique", it was really good.
I had to skip through the boring bit at the beginning.
My wife said I'm a great lover like Voldemort...
Terrible, yes...
but great.
A woman and her lover were in bed, when the woman heard her husband getting back.
The woman said Quick! Rub baby powder on you and pretend to be a statue. The lover did that.
The husband walked into the room.
Honey, what's this statue doing here? He asked.
I saw that the Smiths got one, so I decided to get one as well. She replied.
The husband got into bed, and the woman fell asleep. A few hours later, after checking his wife was asleep, he quietly got up, walked into kitchen, made a sandwich and got a glass of milk, came back, and went to the statue.
Here, have something to eat and drink. I stood like an idiot for 3 days at the Smiths, and no one offered me anything to eat!
My wife left me for her lesbian lover
I guess this is a case of scissors beating rock.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A wife's husband and her lover end up at the same backyard party.
They are actually talking to each other, though somewhat unacquainted. The wife wants to somehow interject and separate the two.
"Honey, do you want a beer?"
"Yes."
"Yes."
She hustles off. flustered and embarrassed at **both** of them responding.
The husband looks wryly at the gentleman next to him..
"Hmm.." he begins thinking. "How did *he* know I wanted a beer?"
Be a considerate lover
Nice guys finish last
My wife must have had a busy life before we met
She says I'm her sixty second lover.
Billie Jean is not my lover
She just a girl who says that i am the one
But the kid is not my son.
He can stay over for the weekend though
Did you hear about the fruit that was forbidden from running away with its lover?
Canteloupe
I'm both a lover and a fighter
I last about the same time in each event.
