The Best 58 Lover Jokes
Following is our collection of funniest Lover jokes. There are some lover bed jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these lover boyfriend puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Funny Lover Jokes and Puns
A woman places an ad looking for a man to be her lover
The ad reads: "Looking for a man with 3 qualities: won't beat me up, won't run away from me, and is great in bed."
A few days later her doorbell rings. The man says, "Hi, I'm Dave. I have no arms so I won't beat you, and no feet so I won't run away."
"What makes you think you're great in bed?" the woman retorts.
Dave replies, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
Ol' Merl & Ethel
Ol' Merl & Ethel were sitting on the porch, enjoying the summer breeze. Suddenly, Ethel reaches over and smacks poor ol' Merl right out of his chair. "What was that for?" he exclaims. "That's for being such a lousy lover all these years." Well, Merl gets back in his chair, sits quietly for a while, then reaches over and smacks Ethel right back. "And what was that for?" Ol' Merl drawls, "That's for knowing the difference."
My mother told me this one...
One day a lonely woman decided to call the dating service. They asked her what she wanted in a man. She replied "I want a man who won't hit me, I want a man who won't leave me, and I want a great lover!" They said ok he will be there in one hour. So the woman gets ready for her date, and an hour later she hears the doorbell ring. She goes to the door but no one is there. When all of a sudden she hears "down here!". She looks down and sees a man with no arms and no legs lying on the doormat. She asks "can i help you?" He says "I am from the dating service." But she does not believe him. He sees this and says "just tell me what you want in a man. She says "I want a man who won't hit me". "Lady I ain't got any arms". "I want a man who wont leave me". "Lady I ain't got no legs". "And I want a great lover" she says. To which he replies "lady, how do you think I rang the doorbell?"
penny scales
A woman stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and put in a coin.
"Listen to this," she said to her husband, showing him a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."
"Yeah," her husband nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."
How would a Muslim describe Castro's gay, atheist lover?
In Fidel.
What do you call someone who writes poetry for their dead lover?
A necromantic.
Getting a haircut is a lot like the first time with a new lover...
There isn't really any conversation besides some nervous laughter and her asking me "How long has it been?" and "Do you like that?" and I'm never sure how much tip is appropriate.
Then I pay her, say thanks, and leave.
I'd like to tell you that I'm a lover, not a fighter...
Unfortunately, I've been punched in the face more often than I've gotten laid. Thus, statistically....
Followup: So let me tell you about the only time I've ever been punched in the face...
Late Night Phone Call To The Vet
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbor`s male dog
while the neighbors were on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.
However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds,
rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage,
as so frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet,
who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,
"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.
I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection
and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"Just worked on me," he replied.
I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends before me...
She calls me her sixty second lover....
Dog at the bar
A man's sitting next to a dog at the bar
Woman walks in, "Is your dog friendly? I'm a dog lover, can I pet him?"
Man replies "sure"
Dog proceeds to bite woman
Irate woman to the man, "I thought you said your dog was friendly! "
Man replies, "That aint my dog"
You can explore lover husband reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean lover bye dad jokes. There are also lover puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
What did the ram say as his lover lay on her deathbed?
There will never be another ewe.
An old couple gets pulled over and...
Lady cop - "May I see you license and registration sir?"
Old man - "ugh, what did she say?"
Old wife - "She needs to see you license and registration dear."
**The old man hands it to the lady cop and...**
Lady cop - "Oh, I see you are from New York. I used to have a lover from New York, he was the worst lover I ever had."
Old man - "ugh, what did she say?"
Old wife - "Nothing dear, She thinks she used to know you."
My father in law just told me this joke
"Well, you know what they say about balding. If you go bald in the front, you're a good thinker. If you go bald in the back, you're a good lover. If you go bald everywhere, you think you're a good lover."
Best science jokes
I need a great list of the dorkiest geekiest nerdiest science jokes ever. Here's one to start you off:
Why was Heisenberg a terrible lover? Because when he had the time, he didn't have the energy. And when he had the energy he didn't have the time
A pizza guy enters an obesity clinic and says, "I have 15 meat lover pizzas with extra cheese."
The nurse at the receptionist desk angrily asks him, "Why would you come here and mock our patients?"
The pizza guy defensively answers, "It's just what the doctor ordered!"
A guy is laying in bed with his mistress...
- Shouldn't your husband be coming soon? Cause I'd rather not see him, he's my best friend after all...
- Don't worry, he won't be here before an hour.
At that moment, the phone rings. The woman answers : "Hi honey. Ok honey, yes honey. Bye Honey"
She hangs up and turns towards her lover :
- It was my husband, he'll be an hour late. He's playing pool with you.
A man is cheating
on his wife, Lorraine. His lover is a girl named Clearly. His wife suspects him of cheating so she is always keeping a close eye on him. He knows that she is always watching so he never gets a chance to be with Clearly. One day, Lorraine had a heart attack and died. At her funeral, the man sings: "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."
What's the difference between a hooker, a lover and a housewife?
A hooker says "Faster! faster!"
A lover says "Slower....slooower..."
A housewife says "Beige. I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."
So my ex-wife is a bird lover...
she always wanted a black cockatoo
Rick.
Rick is a total lover of Pixar movies. He will lend you any title except for one.
He is never gonna give you Up.
What did the premature ejaculatist say to his offended lover?
Sorry...
That came out wrong.
A Man asks his lover in a restaurant
Man : Honey, what do you love most about me?
Woman : I love your company the most darling!
Man : Wow really? that is so sweet of you my love
Woman : Um, it's still making money right?
*edit :forgot to mention that I remember this joke from Benny Hills show, not my own joke
*edit 2 : Benny Hills not Benn, autocorrect strikes again!
My girlfriend told me I'm her 32nd lover
Turns out what she really meant was I'm her thirty second lover
My wife said that I'm a lousy lover...
My wife said that I'm a lousy lover...
How can she know that after only two minutes?
The more time you spend with your lover, the more you become like them.
That explains why I'm so childish.
Zorro went up to his lover and left his horse
Under the window so he could jump right on, in case her husband returned.
So he is making love and suddenly hears knock on the door. He quickly grabs his clothes and jumps thought the window.
Woman opens the door and there is Zorro's horse and he goes:
"hey, tell him that it's raining outside and I will be waiting in the hall"
new iPhone 7
son: Daddy, buy me the new iPhone 7
Dad: What is the magic word?
son: Natasha
Dad: who is Natasha
son: your lover
Dad: do you need also a case?
My one night stand said I'm a lousy lover after we finished
Asked her how can she tell after 30 seconds?
What does a South Korean call their lover?
Their Seoul Mate.
A women tells her lover to "Put two fingers in." So he does...
Then she says, "put your hand in." So he does.
Then she says, "Put your other hand in." So he does.
Then she says, "Now clap." And he says, "I can't".
And she says proudly, "Tight, huh?"
Why was 5 a good lover?
Because he waited 4 3 2 come 1st.
_____
Follow up:
Q: "Funny. But really, how good was the 6 4 5?"
A: "Just average, but the 6 was only a 5 4 3 2."
______
^^^\( ^^^I ^^^made ^^^this ^^^up ^^^give ^^^me ^^^a ^^^cookie. ^^^)
What did the Muslim say to Castro's gay lover?
"Stop, you are Infidel!"
My wife must have had sixty-one boyfriends before she married me
because she calls me her sixty-second lover.
Two couples are getting bored with their sex lives, so they decide to swap partners
After a night of wild passionate sex, Mike wakes up, rolls over, kisses his new lover, and says, "Last night was absolutely mind-blowing! Come on. Let's go see how the ladies made out."
I'm officially the worst lover ever.
I was masturbating and my hand fell asleep.
Whenever I see two lovers names carved into a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
I think it's shocking how many people bring a knife on a date.
A man goes to the movie theater
He sees a childhood friend of his embracing a woman in the back rows. He goes up to them and asks, "Who's this?"
His friend proudly replies, "It's my lover!"
The man then said, "Not you, I'm asking my wife."
At first I thought less of Gordon Ramsey based on his wife...
But you can't judge a cook by its lover...
Told my girlfriend that I've started writing a book about a serial killer that murders his lover.
She said, "That sounds exciting. I love thrillers."
I said, "It's not a thriller, it's an autobiography."
The difference between a Lover,a Hooker and a Wife?
During sex, Hooker scream faster, faster! Lover screams slower, slower!
A wife looks at the ceiling and says BLUE! I'll paint the ceiling blue.
Whenever I see lovers names carved into a tree, I don't think that's cute
I'm just glad I'm not the only one who brings a knife on a date
Around 80% of all Asians that move to America get cataracts.
The remaining 20% usually buy chevrorets, rexus, or rincoln. Some even get rand lover.
A woman and her lover were in bed, when the woman heard her husband getting back.
The woman said Quick! Rub baby powder on you and pretend to be a statue. The lover did that.
The husband walked into the room.
Honey, what's this statue doing here? He asked.
I saw that the Smiths got one, so I decided to get one as well. She replied.
The husband got into bed, and the woman fell asleep. A few hours later, after checking his wife was asleep, he quietly got up, walked into kitchen, made a sandwich and got a glass of milk, came back, and went to the statue.
Here, have something to eat and drink. I stood like an idiot for 3 days at the Smiths, and no one offered me anything to eat!
A wife's husband and her lover end up at the same backyard party.
They are actually talking to each other, though somewhat unacquainted. The wife wants to somehow interject and separate the two.
"Honey, do you want a beer?"
"Yes."
"Yes."
She hustles off. flustered and embarrassed at **both** of them responding.
The husband looks wryly at the gentleman next to him..
"Hmm.." he begins thinking. "How did *he* know I wanted a beer?"
My wife must have had a busy life before we met
She says I'm her sixty second lover.
Billie Jean is not my lover
She just a girl who says that i am the one
But the kid is not my son.
He can stay over for the weekend though
I'm both a lover and a fighter
I last about the same time in each event.
A detective is investigating a crime scene in Mexico.
A cop fills him in on what happened.
Apparently the killer is riddled with dementia and considers the train his lover, so he killed the train operator out of jealousy
Wow says the detective, looking up at the train in question.
That's some locomotive
What do you get when your lovers soul is permanently stuck in a sword?
A bae-blade
(NSFW) Ther Hunter
Jim and Carl are sitting up their post. Jim looks through his finder for a moment. Then he asks: "Carl, what would you do if your wife cheated on you?"
Carl: "I'd shoot her in the head."
Jim: "what would you do with her lover?"
Carl: "I'd shoot his balls off"
Jim looks at Carl: "If you hurry up you can do it with one bullet"
A man catches his wife in bed with another man. He pulls out a gun...
...and holds it to his head, saying "I'm going to kill myself!"
His wife turns to her lover and says "See? I told you he was an idiot."
The man turns red-faced with anger and shouts "Oh, don't you worry, you heartless bitch. You're next!"
A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door. Stay where you are, she whispered. He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me.
The husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.
He turned to his wife: Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?
You're so drunk you miscounted, said the wife. "Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there."
The husband climbed out of bed and counted again: "One, two, three, four. Oh, you're right."
A man had an argument with his lover in a hotel room.
He calls the receptionist and says "I had an argument with my lover. She is threatening to jump out of the window if I don't divorce my wife. You have to help me."
The receptionist replied: "Sir, that looks like a personal problem. There is nothing we can do to help you out."
"Listen here, you moron" - the man says - "That window won't open and that looks like a maintenance problem to me."
Did you know that a very good memory is often a sign of an excellent lover?
I read that on February 11, 2017 in the New England Journal of Behavioral studies issue 2016-Q3.
A woman and her wealthy lover traveled across Europe
They started their tryst in Amsterdam, before traveling to Barcelona, then Cologne, and Dublin. After months of travel and steamy sex, they ended in Zurich.
It was a sorted affair.
My uncle Hans (a hotdog lover) has been very ill recently. Last night, craving a hotdog, he went on a drive to the nearest hotdog stand. Sadly, as he was driving, he became even more unwell...
...he took a turn for the wurst.
I think my girlfriend has slept with 61 people before me
She keeps calling me her 62nd lover
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the lover amorous jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working lover no land lovers here piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.