Lover Jokes
Following is our collection of husband humor and bed one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Lover puns for adults, dirty bye jokes or clean boyfriend gags for kids.
There is an abundance of amorous jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 54 funniest jokes on lover. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any no land lovers here witze you can hear about lover.
The Best jokes about Lover
A woman places an ad looking for a man to be her lover
The ad reads: "Looking for a man with 3 qualities: won't beat me up, won't run away from me, and is great in bed."
A few days later her doorbell rings. The man says, "Hi, I'm Dave. I have no arms so I won't beat you, and no feet so I won't run away."
"What makes you think you're great in bed?" the woman retorts.
Dave replies, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
Whenever I see two lovers names carved into a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
I think it's shocking how many people bring a knife on a date.
My girlfriend told me I'm her 32nd lover
Turns out what she really meant was I'm her thirty second lover
How would a Muslim describe Castro's gay, atheist lover?
In Fidel.
Around 80% of all Asians that move to America get cataracts.
The remaining 20% usually buy chevrorets, rexus, or rincoln. Some even get rand lover.
A guy is laying in bed with his mistress...
- Shouldn't your husband be coming soon? Cause I'd rather not see him, he's my best friend after all...
- Don't worry, he won't be here before an hour.
At that moment, the phone rings. The woman answers : "Hi honey. Ok honey, yes honey. Bye Honey"
She hangs up and turns towards her lover :
- It was my husband, he'll be an hour late. He's playing pool with you.
I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends before me...
She calls me her sixty second lover....
Why was 5 a good lover?
Because he waited 4 3 2 come 1st.
_____
Follow up:
Q: "Funny. But really, how good was the 6 4 5?"
A: "Just average, but the 6 was only a 5 4 3 2."
______
^^^\( ^^^I ^^^made ^^^this ^^^up ^^^give ^^^me ^^^a ^^^cookie. ^^^)
A detective is investigating a crime scene in Mexico.
A cop fills him in on what happened.
Apparently the killer is riddled with dementia and considers the train his lover, so he killed the train operator out of jealousy
Wow says the detective, looking up at the train in question.
That's some locomotive
A Man asks his lover in a restaurant
Man : Honey, what do you love most about me?
Woman : I love your company the most darling!
Man : Wow really? that is so sweet of you my love
Woman : Um, it's still making money right?
*edit :forgot to mention that I remember this joke from Benny Hills show, not my own joke
*edit 2 : Benny Hills not Benn, autocorrect strikes again!
The more time you spend with your lover, the more you become like them.
That explains why I'm so childish.
I'm officially the worst lover ever.
I was masturbating and my hand fell asleep.
My mother told me this one...
One day a lonely woman decided to call the dating service. They asked her what she wanted in a man. She replied "I want a man who won't hit me, I want a man who won't leave me, and I want a great lover!" They said ok he will be there in one hour. So the woman gets ready for her date, and an hour later she hears the doorbell ring. She goes to the door but no one is there. When all of a sudden she hears "down here!". She looks down and sees a man with no arms and no legs lying on the doormat. She asks "can i help you?" He says "I am from the dating service." But she does not believe him. He sees this and says "just tell me what you want in a man. She says "I want a man who won't hit me". "Lady I ain't got any arms". "I want a man who wont leave me". "Lady I ain't got no legs". "And I want a great lover" she says. To which he replies "lady, how do you think I rang the doorbell?"
Whenever I see lovers names carved into a tree, I don't think that's cute
I'm just glad I'm not the only one who brings a knife on a date
Ol' Merl & Ethel
Ol' Merl & Ethel were sitting on the porch, enjoying the summer breeze. Suddenly, Ethel reaches over and smacks poor ol' Merl right out of his chair. "What was that for?" he exclaims. "That's for being such a lousy lover all these years." Well, Merl gets back in his chair, sits quietly for a while, then reaches over and smacks Ethel right back. "And what was that for?" Ol' Merl drawls, "That's for knowing the difference."
Late Night Phone Call To The Vet
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbor`s male dog
while the neighbors were on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.
However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds,
rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage,
as so frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet,
who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,
"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.
I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection
and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"Just worked on me," he replied.
penny scales
A woman stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and put in a coin.
"Listen to this," she said to her husband, showing him a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."
"Yeah," her husband nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."
A woman and her lover were in bed, when the woman heard her husband getting back.
The woman said Quick! Rub baby powder on you and pretend to be a statue. The lover did that.
The husband walked into the room.
Honey, what's this statue doing here? He asked.
I saw that the Smiths got one, so I decided to get one as well. She replied.
The husband got into bed, and the woman fell asleep. A few hours later, after checking his wife was asleep, he quietly got up, walked into kitchen, made a sandwich and got a glass of milk, came back, and went to the statue.
Here, have something to eat and drink. I stood like an idiot for 3 days at the Smiths, and no one offered me anything to eat!
Getting a haircut is a lot like the first time with a new lover...
There isn't really any conversation besides some nervous laughter and her asking me "How long has it been?" and "Do you like that?" and I'm never sure how much tip is appropriate.
Then I pay her, say thanks, and leave.
A woman who had been married twice and divorced twice was fed up.
A woman who had been married twice and divorced twice was fed up. Her
first husband beat her, and her second husband ran away with another
woman. Plus, she couldn't find a new lover who could satisfy her
sexually, so she put an ad in the classifieds:
Wanted: A good looking, single guy who won't beat me, won't leave me,
and is good in bed.
About a week later, her doorbell rings. She opens the door to find a
man with no arms and legs on her front porch.
"I'm here about your ad," he says.
"You must be mistaken," she says.
"Let me explain," he says. "I can't beat you, I don't have any arms.
And I can't run away because I don't have any legs."
"But," she asks, "How do I know you're good in bed?"
"I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
Four men are talking...
They are talking about how rich their sons are. The first said: "My son is so rich last time he bought his lover a luxurious Mercedes" "That's nothing"- said the second-"mine bought his lover last time a luxurious yacht" "Well thats cute"-responded the third-"Mine bought his lover a luxurious 12000 square metre mansion"The fourth man responds: "Ya' know my son is very rich too but recently found out that he is homosexual" "Eww, how terrible is that"-react the other men-"How can you handle this?" "Oh, i handle it really well, and he is actually really success among men, from the last three lovers of him he recived Mercedes a yacht and a huge mansion...."
My wife must have had sixty-one boyfriends before she married me
because she calls me her sixty-second lover.
A woman was having a passionate affair with an exterminator...
One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" She bundled him in the closet stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone." said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths." the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards."
The Husband's Best Friend
A woman meets with her lover, who is also her husband's best friend.
They make love for hours. Afterwards, as they lie in bed, the phone rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:
"Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called... Really? That's wonderful... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Love you, too. OK. Bye-bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh," she replies, "That was my husband telling me about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
One day, the wife welcomes her lover...
...but before they start their adulterous activites, the wife says:
'Honey! Let's put a blanket on the parrot's cage, because last time he almost busted us!'
So they put a blanket on the parrot's cage. However, before they start, the lover comes up with a new idea:
'Honey! I just invented a new position! You'll go on all fours, I'll jump up on the chandelier, swing in, and I'll penetrate with a deep thrust from behind!'
To which they hear the parrot's voice:
'You can cut out my tongue for all I care, but I wanna see **that**!'
Zorro went up to his lover and left his horse
Under the window so he could jump right on, in case her husband returned.
So he is making love and suddenly hears knock on the door. He quickly grabs his clothes and jumps thought the window.
Woman opens the door and there is Zorro's horse and he goes:
"hey, tell him that it's raining outside and I will be waiting in the hall"
A woman is lying in bed with her lover
"You should leave, my husband can come back home any minute now."
"Don't worry, whenever we hear the doorbell ring I will jump out of the window."
"Are you crazy? It's 11th floor."
"Everything is arranged. I asked my friends to stretch out and hold a big canvas for me to jump on."
Suddenly, the doorbell rings. Without a second thought, the lover quickly jumps out of the bed and leaps through the window. The woman stands up and opens the door where she sees an impatient man standing.
"I'm sorry, mam. Could you tell Bill that we coudn't find the canvas?"
My one night stand said I'm a lousy lover after we finished
Asked her how can she tell after 30 seconds?
Woman seeks man
A woman, tired of being single puts out an ad seeking a man who won't beat her, won't run out on her and is a fantastic lover. One day, she hears the door bell ring and to her surprise, at the door is a man with no arms or legs.
"May I help you?" She asks.
"I'm here about your notice." The man replies.
"But you have no arms!" The woman exclaims.
"Well then you know I'll never beat you."
"But you have no legs!"
"Well then you know I'll never run out on you."
"Ok, but the notice said I wanted an amazing lover."
"Lady, how do you think I rang the doorbell?"
A dude suddenly found out that his wife was having an affair..
.. but before he could talk about it with her she suddenly died in a freak accident. As the person with whom she was having the affair was a neighbourhood guy, the husband also invited him at the funeral ceremony.
At the ceremony the husband somehow was in control of himself but the lover was inconsolable and finally broke down completely. The husband could not contain himself any further, he went to the guy, patted him on the shoulder, hugged him, with tears in his eyes, and said, "Don't worry mate, I am going to marry again soon."
A Classic
A woman puts a love wanted ad in the local paper: She says she is looking for 3 things. First, a man who will treat her nicely. Second, a man who won't leave her, and finally a man who is a great lover. Some time goes by and the woman begins to give up hope. A few more days go by when the doorbell rings and she opens it to find an armless, legless man in a wheelchair. He says, I am here about your love wanted ad. He explains. I don't have any arms so I will never be able to hurt you. I don't have any legs so it will be very hard to leave you. She looks at him, and how are you as a lover? He answers, how do you think I rang the doorbell?
Three men are drinking in a bar
A Italian, Frenchman and Estonian gentlemen are drinking in a bar arguing who's the best lover.
The Italian goes: "Last night I made love to my woman for 2 hours, she kept screaming for 5 minutes when I was done!"
The Frenchman smirks at that and goes: "That's nothing, last night I made love to my partner for 8 hours, she screamed for an hour after it!"
The Estonian looks at the other two, wipes beer foam from his mouth and says: "You guys really do not know what you are doing in bed, do you? Last night I made love to my wife for 2 minutes and cleaned myself in the curtains. She is still screaming!"
Pretend You're a Statue...
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked
it so I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."
My wife said that I'm a lousy lover...
My wife said that I'm a lousy lover...
How can she know that after only two minutes?
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door
"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
A wife's husband and her lover end up at the same backyard party.
They are actually talking to each other, though somewhat unacquainted. The wife wants to somehow interject and separate the two.
"Honey, do you want a beer?"
"Yes."
"Yes."
She hustles off. flustered and embarrassed at **both** of them responding.
The husband looks wryly at the gentleman next to him..
"Hmm.." he begins thinking. "How did *he* know I wanted a beer?"
A women tells her lover to "Put two fingers in." So he does...
Then she says, "put your hand in." So he does.
Then she says, "Put your other hand in." So he does.
Then she says, "Now clap." And he says, "I can't".
And she says proudly, "Tight, huh?"
A married couple is driving...
down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him. "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but I want a divorce." The husband says nothing, but slowly turns up to speed to 60 mph.
"I don't want you to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you."
70 mph.
"I want the house as well."
75 mph.
"I want the kids."
80 mph.
"And I want the bank account and all the credit cards."
85 mph.
"You're taking this incredibly calmly," she said. "Isn't there anything you want?"
"I've got all I need."
"What's that?"
"The airbag."
A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend.
They had sex for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings.
Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation... She is speaking in a cheery voice) "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm... so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
"Dog Sitting"
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbors male dog while the neighbors were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next, she called the veterinarian. Although it was late, he answered in a very grumpy voice. After having explained the problem to him, the vet said "Hang up the phone and place it alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise from the ringing will make the male dog lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"Well, it just worked for me." he replied.
An animal lover talks to a turk
He asks the turk:"May I talk to your horse?"
"Horse not talk", he replies.
The animal lover asks the horse : "Hello horse how are you doing do you have enough food?"
"I'm doing fine and there is more than enough food too."
The animal lover asks the turk : "May I talk to your dog?"
"Dog not talk", he replies.
The animal lover now next to the dog asks him: "Hello Dog are you alright?'
"I can't complain, I have a warm place to sleep" he replies
The animal lover asks the turk : "May I talk to your goat?"
The turk slowly realising the ability the animal lover has answers:"Goat lies"
Dog at the bar
A man's sitting next to a dog at the bar
Woman walks in, "Is your dog friendly? I'm a dog lover, can I pet him?"
Man replies "sure"
Dog proceeds to bite woman
Irate woman to the man, "I thought you said your dog was friendly! "
Man replies, "That aint my dog"
A pizza guy enters an obesity clinic and says, "I have 15 meat lover pizzas with extra cheese."
The nurse at the receptionist desk angrily asks him, "Why would you come here and mock our patients?"
The pizza guy defensively answers, "It's just what the doctor ordered!"
Statue
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, Honey?" the husband inquired, as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue'., "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water."
What's the difference between a hooker, a lover and a housewife?
A hooker says "Faster! faster!"
A lover says "Slower....slooower..."
A housewife says "Beige. I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."
Asking for a raise
A maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well Senora, there are three reasons I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than I?"
Maria: "Your husband said so."
Wife: "Oh."
Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?"
Maria: "Your husband did."
Wife: "Oh."
Maria: "The third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Wife (really furious now): "Did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Senora, the gardener did."
She got her raise
I'd like to tell you that I'm a lover, not a fighter...
Unfortunately, I've been punched in the face more often than I've gotten laid. Thus, statistically....
Followup: So let me tell you about the only time I've ever been punched in the face...
What do you call someone who writes poetry for their dead lover?
A necromantic.
The Boy, The Man, and The Closet
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet,
not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice"
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My Dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are
in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,
"How much?"
Boy: "$ 750"
Man: "Sold."
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go
outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The Dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy: "$1,000"
The Dad says, "That's terrible to over charge your friends like
that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to
church, to confession."
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the
confessional booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that again; you're in my closet now."
Two couples are getting bored with their sex lives, so they decide to swap partners
After a night of wild passionate sex, Mike wakes up, rolls over, kisses his new lover, and says, "Last night was absolutely mind-blowing! Come on. Let's go see how the ladies made out."
Drunk Husband
A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door. "Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me."
Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.
He turned to his wife: "Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?" "Nonsense," said the wife. "You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there." The husband climbed out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. You're right, you know."
Three men are sitting at a bar
Three men were sitting at a bar talking about their lives. They get to talking about there kids and how great they are.
The first man brags " My son is the greatest! He is CEO of a big company. He makes so much money that he just bought two new sports cars, one for himself and the other for his lover."
The second father, trying to show up the first, says "Oh Yeah? Well my boy created a huge internet company and makes millions he just bought two mansions, one for himself and the other for HIS lover".
The third guy is sitting quietly drinking his beer. The other two guys look at him and ask what about his son? Does he make a lot of money?
The third guy says " Nah, My son doesn't make millions or anything like that. He's a male escort. Although, his two best clients did just buy him a new car and a new mansion."
What did the Muslim say to Castro's gay lover?
"Stop, you are Infidel!"
What did the ram say as his lover lay on her deathbed?
There will never be another ewe.
Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.