Lovely Jokes
111 lovely jokes and hilarious lovely puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about lovely that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Laugh out loud with these hilarious and superb jokes from Lovely Samantha. Get a not-so-ordinary lovely day with these lovely jokes for him. Ooh, these jokes are for every woman out there.
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Funniest Lovely Short Jokes
Short lovely jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The lovely humour may include short wonderful jokes also.
- I saw a girl crying, so I asked her Where are your parents? and she started crying even more. Man, I love working at the orphanage.
- My granddad always used to say, As one door closes another one opens. Lovely man.
Terrible cabinet maker. - The creator of Mad Libs died this week. His friends described him as a warm and pulpy man who loved his wife and pelicans. He will be deeply pooped.
- Gay parents are awesome! * "Hey dad, why is my sister named rose?"
* "Because your other dad loves roses"
* "Thanks dad"
* "No problem, Richard" - "Jesus loves you" is a wonderful thing to hear in church. But a horrible thing to hear in a mexican prison.
- My girlfriend was devastated when she found out the reason why my nickname is The Love Machine . It's because I'm terrible at tennis.
- As the Kardashians celebrate their 20th and final season... I would LOVE to congratulate myself for never watching a single episode.
- I love dad jokes WIFE: I have a couple of important announcements... First: I'm pregnant.
HUSBAND: Hi Pregnant, I'm dad
WIFE: Second: No you're not - I asked my wife So, do you think the cup is half full or half empty? And you know what she said? Please for the love of god could you stop wearing my bras!
- My son, Luke, loves how I named our kids after star wars characters... My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
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Lovely One Liners
Which lovely one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with lovely? I can suggest the ones about delightful and cute.
- I quit my job to start a cloning business and it's been great, I love being my own boss.
- The Bible and the Quran tell us to love each other The Kamasutra is more specific.
- I said I love you to my cake. It burst into tiers.
- REMINDER: If you have promised your SO that you will love them 24/7 Today is 24/7
- Why does Greta Thunberg love this sub? Coz of the amount of reused content here.
- I fell in love with a girl who only knew four vowels She didn't know I existed
- A girlfriend is like a good US president I'd love to have one
- I love the smell of my f5 key... It is very refreshing
- My love life is like Santa Claus. It exists thanks to gullible six year olds
- I love eBay! Sold my homing pigeon 4 times this month.
- Why does McGregor love springtime so much? Cause you just can't beat Mayweather.
- Kim Jung Un loves to read books, what does that make him? A glorious reader.
- For halloween I'm dressing up as a plate. Girls love to do dishes.
- I got an iPad from my chinese friend... I love homemade gifts!
- In my 4th grade class the cutest girl threw away my love letter.. ..so I failed her!
Lovely Day Jokes
Here is a list of funny lovely day jokes and even better lovely day puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it. She's gonna love this pack of playing cards.
- If any of you are sad about being alone on valentines day, just remember... that nobody loves you on any other day of the year, and valentine's day shouldn't be any different.
- "I love my job!" said the farmer "All you do is boss me around all day!" said one of his sheep.
"What did you say?" said the farmer.
"You herd me." - I love summer in the UK. My favourite day of the year.
- They said "Find something you love to do and you will never work a day in your life" They are darn right,
that field isn't hiring! - Haven't worn a bra in 4 days.... I love being a man
- I love the way the Earth spins on its axis. it always makes my day.
- Some consider Romeo and Juliet a tale of true romantic love... But only if you consider 2 underage kids in a relationship that lasted 3 days causing 2 suicides and 3 murders romantic...
- I love summer in Canada! It's my favorite day of the year!
- He: "I took a day off on Feb 14th". She: "Oh ! That's so sweet darling, I love you". He: "Do you think you can help me sell 2.000 flowers in one day ?"
Humorous Lovely Jokes to Bring Fun and Laughter to Your Life
What funny jokes about lovely you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean fabulous jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make lovely pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A pick-up line for a lovely lady
Hey babe, are you a f**...?
-cause you just blew me away.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My grandfather drowned in varnish recently.
A horrible way to go, but a lovely finish.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A boy sees that his pet turtle isn't moving...
"Mommy, my turtle is dead," wailed the little boy to his mother, holding the turtle out to her in his hand.
His mom said, "That's all right. We'll wrap him in a tissue paper, put him in a little box, then have a lovely burial ceremony in the back yard. After that, we'll go out for a yummy big ice cream, and then get you a great new pet, like a puppy!" Just then, she noticed the turtle move. "Look! Your turtle isn't dead after all!"
"Oh," said the little boy, "can we kill it?"
Does anyone know where concentrate is?
I've been drinking lovely orange juice from there for years now..
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Falling rock
Waay back in the day the Indians had a child named Falling Rock, lovely kid. As soon as the white man came to their land Falling Rock disappeared. They couldn't find him anywhere, still even to this day we have signs on the road that say "watch for falling rock"
My friend brought his wife into the pub and he asked me if i thought she was beautiful.
I said 'She's lovely, a great match for you. Got cracking legs matey'
he said: 'Thanks, that's her brittle bone syndrome'
Punchline Challenge: "And by the way, you've got a lovely home!"
What's the setup ?
A long day at the hospital
After a long day working at the hospital 3 doctors are walking home:
- "After seeing so many patients, it's really nice to see normal, healthy people" says the first doctor, a GP
- "Not only that, they are actually alive" answers the coroner
- "Who cares about all that! Just look at all those faces! Lovely, lovely human faces!" shouts the proctologist
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is driving his car when suddenly the door of a parked car is swung open in front of him.
He proceeds to smash into the door of the car, ripping it off. He stops to see another man, in a very expensive suit, jump out of the car and scream at him "you just ripped the door off my lovely Porsche!".
The first man says "You are so materialistic...you didn't even notice that you left arm was ripped off in the accident".
The second man looks down for a second, then screams "my Rolex!"
The Priest and the Politician
A priest and a politician arrived at Heaven's gate one day together. And St. Peter, after doing all the necessary formalities, took them to show them where their quarters would be.
First, he took them to a small, single room with a bed, a chair, and a table and said this was for the priest. And the politician was a little worried about what might be in store for him. And he couldn't believe it then when St. Peter stopped in front of a beautiful mansion with lovely grounds, many servants, and told him that these would be his quarters.
And he couldn't help but ask, he said, "But wait, how—there's something wrong—how do I get this mansion while that good and holy man only gets a single room?" And St. Peter said, "You have to understand how things are up here. We've got thousands upon thousands of priests. You're the first politician who ever made it.
I got my beautiful wife a lovely woolie hat and a coat for Christmas.
She's gonna need it because I've just lost our house to gambling.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A drunk man approaches two overweight women after overhearing their conversation...
and says to them:
"Hey! I recognize that accent! Which part of England are you two lovely women from?"
Annoyed at the man's ignorance, they exclaim: "It's Wales!"
"Oh I'm so sorry! Which part of England are you two lovely *whales* from?"
Grandpa's joke last night.
Two heavy set women are talking by the bar.
The bartender says "You ladies have a lovely accent. Are you from Scotland?" One of them women goes "No, Wales."
The bartender replied "Are you whales from Scotland?"
Then grandpa precedes to explain the joke about them being whales. We were in my younger brothers school for a basketball game and everyone was in earshot.
two ladies were sitting in a bar...
the one on the left was lovely, kind and beautiful
the one on the right was very attractive, smart, and attentive
both of the women were hitting on me all nite which one did i take home?
the one on the right because lefty loosy righy tighty
What happened to the man who died from drinking Shellac?
He had a *lovely finish*.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I've just got back from a f**... of a friend who was killed after being hit in the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.
Husband: Oh the weather is lovely today. Shall we go out for a quick jog?
Wife: Hahaha, I love the way you pronounce 'Shall we go out and have a cake'!
I'm writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced.
There's a lovely key change at the end.
A wife complains to her husband
Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can't you do the same?
Are you mad? I barely know the woman!
A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas...
and sees a beautiful blonde sitting there with her boyfriend.
He pulls out his gun, and shoots the boyfriend. Then he walks up to the girl and asks, "What a lovely girl like you doing in a place like this all alone."
A friend of mine died recently
A friend of mine died recently after drinking a gallon of varnish.
It was a horrible end, but a lovely finish.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Went to my old tennis coach's f**... last week.
His death was tragic but the service was lovely.
I was doing some shopping at the supermarket...
...and had a cart full of groceries and a lovely bouquet of flowers. Coincidentally, my wife walked in just as I was checking out.
She noticed the flowers I was buying and jokingly said "Those had better be for me!"
The teenager at the register turned and said "Even if they weren't, they definitely are now!"
Two strangers are introduced
"you have such a lovely name"
"thanks, I got it for my birthday"
Fresh and Funny!
Hey Sue, what do you say to a nice walk?
Oh Harry, that would be lovely!
Wonderful. Could you bring me some beer and cigarettes on your way back?
My mother used to always say "give your food a rinse before you eat it."
Lovely woman. Terrible sandwiches.
Did you hear about the weird physicist?
He's a lovely guy but he's got some strange quarks.
I bought a lovely 12 year old Scotch
her parents reported me to the police
Store owner: Good morning Janet! What can i get for you?
Janet: Something for dinner, please
Store owner: I have some lovely fresh ox tongue!
Janet: Oh, no! Yuck! I couldn't eat something that comes out of an animal's mouth! I'll just have a dozen egg
It really saddens me that police officers are so underpaid they have to take second jobs...
This lovely young officer pulled me over for drunk driving and is just going back to his car to get the stuff needed for a 'Cavity search'. Police officer and a dentist. What a hard working man.
I went on my very first date today...
...we were enjoying a lovely dinner while talking about our lives, until she excused herself to use the washroom. It's remarkable how women can stay in there for two hours!
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I met a lovely woman today
and she owned a taser......d**... she was stunning!
Just got back from visiting a lovely little place in Wales; Lloysthwycyyrigridarbrewwthh.....
Sorry, there was a hair in my mouth - I went to Swansea.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Dad there is something my boyfriend told me, that I didn't understand. He said that "I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."
"Tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and tries to check your oil with his d**..., I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking from his exhaust pipe."
Dear Sir,
Thank you very much for the lovely picture of your wife. However, the title of our competition is "Fact Hunt".
Right after the Baby was born, the Midwife asked me:
"Do you have a name yet?"
I said "Yes, it's Eli"
She said "Aww... That's a lovely name!"
"Thank you!" I said "-But what do you think we should call the baby?"
Waiter: What else can I get for the lovely couple?
Girl: Oh gosh, haha no, we're just friends.
Guy: You can get us two checks.
Girl: Excuse me?
Guy: Also please don't forget she had 2 soda refills, I know you guys charge extra.
My mom always used to say "50 is the new 20!"
Lovely woman, lost her driver's license...
Jack the Ripper and a lovely young lady were taking a stroll through the woods together...
as it started getting darker, the lady got closer to Jack the Ripper and said, "Stay close to me, I'm scared of the dark!" Jack replied, "You're scared? I'm the one who has to walk home alone!!"
I met a lovely, helpful person the other day
They were always asking about me, wanting to get to know me better. They seemed genuinely helpful and were there when i needed them most. They dedicated their time to me and didn't even ask for anything in return. I decided to take the plunge and kiss them!
Anyway, i need a new public defender.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I knocked on my lovely neighbor's door earlier and said "would you mind having my children...I'll only be a few minutes?"
"Yes of course,no problem" she replied.
"Great......get your p**... off then."
A guy goes on a dating show where he has to whittle 26 girls (A-Z) down to one.
"OK ladies and gentlemen, we have two contestants remaining", announces the presenter, "you have a tough choice to make. Which one of these lovely girls will you take home tonight?"
Theres a long silence as the man thinks for a minute...
"Would you prefer A... or G?" asks the presenter
The man thinks a little longer, then replies, "Yes. Yes I would!"
My uncle drank a whole bottle of wood varnish
He had a horrible death but a lovely finish
Bought a deodrant stick today...
It said 'remove top and push up bottom'
I can hardly walk but my farts smell lovely.
A wife complains to her husband...
A wife complains to her husband: Just look at that couple down the road, Roger, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her … Why can't you do the same?
Are you mad? I barely know the woman!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Early One Morning
Woke early one morning, the earth lay cool and still.
When suddenly a tiny bird, perched on my window sill.
It sang a song so lovely, so carefree and gay.
That slowly all my troubles, began to slip away.
It sang of far off places, of laughter and of fun.
It seemed his very song, brought out the morning sun.
I pulled back the covers, and crept slowly out of bed,
and gently shut the window, and crushed his head.
I'm not a morning person
A blind man walks into the bakery
A blind man walks into the bakery and asks for 8 poppy seed breads. While the baker gathers them for him, he asks: are you expecting any visitors? No, replies the blind man. But I'm going on vacation, and they have such lovely story's written on them!
Put to good use..
I have a friend who's a pilot for EasyJet.
But, because of this lockdown, he's off work,
So l asked him if he fancied doing a bit of decorating for me while he's at a loose end, and he jumped at the chance.
l must say, he made a lovely job of the landing.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My husband has cooked me a lovely meal and bought some very nice wine. I'll bet he's after s**....
Well he can forget that. He's staying in with me.
Met a lovely woman at my arthritis support group last night.
We clicked together.
Your move.
I had lunch with chess grandmaster magnus magnuson last week. It was a lovely Italian restaurant with a chequered tablecloth though.
So
It took him three hours to pass the salt.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My grandad used to say "If it wasn't for me, you'd all be speaking German right now"
Lovely man, terribly bad foreign language teacher. No idea why the school hired him.
My wife always says, "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach!"
Lovely woman.
Terrible surgeon.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My friend drowned himself in a vat of varnish. He had a horrible end,
...but a lovely finish.
On a first date, a lovely young lady asks, 'So what are your hobbies?'
The man replies, 'I like running, hunting, and people watching'
The lady says, 'Oh that's cool. I'm also a runner.'
The man says, 'I know.'
My grandmother used to tell me the way to a man's heart is through his stomach.
Lovely lady. Terrible surgeon.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
One day during a war....
A tall, strong and handsome Roman soldier broke into a house where he found two luscious maidens and their matronly nurse.
Chuckling with glee, he roared, "Prepare thyselves for a conquest, my pretties."
The lovely girls fell to their knees and pleaded with him, "Do with us as thou wilt, O Roman, but spare our faithful old nurse."
"Shut thy mouth," snapped the old nurse. "War is war."
A man can't decide what to get his girlfriend, a florist, for her birthday.
He goes all around town in search for a gift when he discovers a lovely garden of flowers. Because his wife loves flowers, he decides to pick out a lovely bouquet of daisies, roses and dandelions. The garden is empty and lifeless when he leaves that day.
When the day of his girlfriend's birthday arrives he gives her the handpicked bouquet of the flowers. The girl blushes and says Oh, thank you honey! These flowers are so pretty! They almost make me forget that someone destroyed my garden!
My uncle just died.
He fell into a vat of polish at the furniture factory.
It was a terrible end but a lovely finish.
"Two steaks please", I asked the writer. "Rare for me, medium rare for my friend."
He brought us a lovely bit of panda and a nice chunk of giraffe.
Bob Ross used to say, "There are no mistakes, just happy little accidents."
Lovely man, terrible driving instructor.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I went to the pub on Friday with my friends and didn't come home until Sunday night. When i got home, my wife was so angry...
She said "how would you like it if you didn't see me for three days straight?"
i said "that would be b**... lovely".
So I didn't see her on the Monday, the Tuesday or the Wednesday, but by Thursday the swelling around my eyes went down enough to make her out again.
I was talking to a lovely young lady and things seemed to be going really well.
Then she said "There's something I want to get out of the way right now," and she reached up and took a wig off her head, and it turned out she was as bald as a new-laid egg.
"Alopecia," she said. "It's a condition that causes hair to fall out."
"Oh," I said. "...Just on your head, or from anywhere else as well?"
"Well," she dimpled, "there's only one way to find out."
"Of course!" I said, and took out my phone. "Hey, Google..."
I went on a date with a lovely woman and everything was going smoothly.
She said, "This is the best date I've ever had."
"Me too," I replied.
She said, "Pinch my arm to make sure that it's real."
I pinched it and said, "Yes, that is definitely an arm."
Lovely couple
A wife taps her husband on the shoulder. Look at that lovely couple she says. You know every time he meet her he holds her close and kisses her passionately. Why don't you do that? I'd love to, I said. But I don't know her.
I went to a Indian restaurant last night. After I had ordered, a little old lady came to me and said, "Aren't you polite. You have such lovely manners."
It was my complimentary nan
Bad news: The lovely architect down my street has passed away.
Good news: His coffin looks super cool.
I received a lovely card saying "get better soon"
Which I found confusing, because I haven't been sick. Should I tell my manager she's made a mistake?
I found a Land Rover whilst metal detecting today
It was a lovely discovery
The police came to my house tonight holding a picture of my wife.
They said, "Is this your wife, sir?" Shocked, I answered, "Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."
I used to have a beautiful house and a lovely car, until my friend introduced me to drugs....
Now, I have a Caribbean Island and a cruise ship.
When Love Fades......
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's lovely voice from the kitchen.
"What would you like for dinner, my Love. . . Chicken, beef or lamb?"
I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."
She replied "You're having soup, a\*\*hole. I was talking to the cat."
Vladimir Putin just gave a statement about Russia's peace keeping operation in Ukraine
It's a piece-keeping operation. I'll be keeping this piece of Ukraine, and this piece. Ooh, and this piece is rather lovely, too!
After my wife had given birth to our baby, the nurse asked me, "Do you have a name yet?" I said, "Yes. Steve." She giggled, "Awww! That's a lovely name!" I replied, "Thanks."
"But what do you think we should call the baby?"
A guy walks into a bar
A guy walks into a bar and orders a glass of red wine. The bartender's therapy dog leaps to his feet, races across the room, runs down the stairs to the wine cellar and within moments returns with a lovely bottle of cabernet savignon in his jaws which he drops gently at the bartender's feet. "Wow, that dog is amazing," the guy says. "What kind is it?" "Oh, he's nothing special," the bartender replies. "Just a bordeaux collie."
My mother always used to say 'The way to a man's heart is through his stomach'
She's a lovely woman but a terrible surgeon.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many trans women does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one, and you don't even need the lightbulb. Just tell her she's a lovely girl, and she'll brighten up the room instantly.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is trying to avoid being conscripted.
He runs from his house as soldiers come for him. As he heads down the street, he sees a nun. He runs up to her and says "please sister, let me hide under your dress, I don't want to die in the war".
The nun takes pity on him and lets him hide under her dress. The soldiers pass them by. As he emerges, the man blushes and says to the nun "pardon my saying sister, but you have a lovely pair of legs."
The nun smiles and replies "if you looked a little higher, you would've seen a lovely pair of b**.... I don't want to die in the war either."
A blond and a burunette are at the perfume counter
The brunette picks up a bottle and sprays the air. The blond says "ooooh, thats lovely - whats that?"
Brunette: Viens Ici
Blond:
Brunette: Vien Ici - it's French. It means "Come to me"
Blond (sniffs the air): "ohhh - it smells nice but it does not smeall like come to me
When the young husband reached home from the office he found his wife in tears.
"Oh, John," she sobbed on his shoulder. "I had baked a lovely cake and put it out on the back porch for the frosting to dry and the dog ate it!"
"Well, don't cry about it, sweetheart," he consoled, patting the pretty flushed cheek. "I know a man who will give us another dog."
Source: 1913 newspaper
Wife: Now that we've been married 20 years, how old do you think I look, honestly?
Husband: From your skin I'd say 28, from your hair 25, from your figure 29.
Wife: Oh, what a lovely thing to say.
Husband: Hang on, I haven't finished adding it up yet.
