Lovely Jokes
113 lovely jokes and hilarious lovely puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about lovely that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Laugh out loud with these hilarious and superb jokes from Lovely Samantha. Get a not-so-ordinary lovely day with these lovely jokes for him. Ooh, these jokes are for every woman out there.
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Funniest Lovely Short Jokes
Short lovely jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The lovely humour may include short wonderful jokes also.
- I saw a girl crying, so I asked her Where are your parents? and she started crying even more. Man, I love working at the orphanage.
- My granddad always used to say, As one door closes another one opens. Lovely man.
Terrible cabinet maker. - "Hey dad why is my sister called Teresa ?" "Because your mum loves easter and it's an anagram of easter !"
"Thanks dad !"
"No problem Alan" - How many trans women does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just one, and you don't even need the lightbulb. Just tell her she's a lovely girl, and she'll brighten up the room instantly.
- The creator of Mad Libs died this week. His friends described him as a warm and pulpy man who loved his wife and pelicans. He will be deeply pooped.
- Gay parents are awesome! * "Hey dad, why is my sister named rose?"
* "Because your other dad loves roses"
* "Thanks dad"
* "No problem, Richard" - "Jesus loves you" is a wonderful thing to hear in church. But a horrible thing to hear in a mexican prison.
- My girlfriend was devastated when she found out the reason why my nickname is The Love Machine . It's because I'm terrible at tennis.
- As the Kardashians celebrate their 20th and final season... I would LOVE to congratulate myself for never watching a single episode.
- I love dad jokes WIFE: I have a couple of important announcements... First: I'm pregnant.
HUSBAND: Hi Pregnant, I'm dad
WIFE: Second: No you're not
Share These Lovely Jokes With Friends
Lovely One Liners
Which lovely one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with lovely? I can suggest the ones about delightful and cute.
- String Fight My ex used to hit me with stringed instruments. If only I had known about her history of violin.
- I quit my job to start a cloning business and it's been great, I love being my own boss.
- The Bible and the Quran tell us to love each other The Kamasutra is more specific.
- I said I love you to my cake. It burst into tiers.
- REMINDER: If you have promised your SO that you will love them 24/7 Today is 24/7
- The Bible tells us to love each other. The Kama Sutra is a little more specific.
- Why does Greta Thunberg love this sub? Coz of the amount of reused content here.
- Made love to my wife for an hour and four minutes tonight Thanks, Daylight Savings Time!
- I fell in love with a girl who only knew four vowels She didn't know I existed
- A girlfriend is like a good US president I'd love to have one
- I love the smell of my f5 key... It is very refreshing
- My love life is like Santa Claus. It exists thanks to gullible six year olds
- Why does Kim Jong Un love books? Because he is the Supreme Reader.
- I love eating babies and smiling but I hate punctuation
- I love eBay! Sold my homing pigeon 4 times this month.
Lovely Day Jokes
Here is a list of funny lovely day jokes and even better lovely day puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it. She's gonna love this pack of playing cards.
- If any of you are sad about being alone on valentines day, just remember... that nobody loves you on any other day of the year, and valentine's day shouldn't be any different.
- "I love my job!" said the farmer "All you do is boss me around all day!" said one of his sheep.
"What did you say?" said the farmer.
"You herd me." - I love the way the Earth rotates... It makes my day.
- I love summer in the UK. My favourite day of the year.
- i love how the Earth rotates on its axis it really makes my day.
- They said "Find something you love to do and you will never work a day in your life" They are darn right,
that field isn't hiring! - I love the way the world rotates It really makes my day.
- Haven't worn a bra in 4 days.... I love being a man
- I love the way the Earth spins on its axis. it always makes my day.
Humorous Lovely Jokes to Bring Fun and Laughter to Your Life
What funny jokes about lovely you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean fabulous jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make lovely pranks.
Context is everything
"Jesus loves you!"
A lovely thing to hear in church. Not so much in a Mexican prison.
My grandfather drowned in varnish recently.
A horrible way to go, but a lovely finish.
A boy sees that his pet turtle isn't moving...
"Mommy, my turtle is dead," wailed the little boy to his mother, holding the turtle out to her in his hand.
His mom said, "That's all right. We'll wrap him in a tissue paper, put him in a little box, then have a lovely burial ceremony in the back yard. After that, we'll go out for a yummy big ice cream, and then get you a great new pet, like a puppy!" Just then, she noticed the turtle move. "Look! Your turtle isn't dead after all!"
"Oh," said the little boy, "can we kill it?"
Falling rock
Waay back in the day the Indians had a child named Falling Rock, lovely kid. As soon as the white man came to their land Falling Rock disappeared. They couldn't find him anywhere, still even to this day we have signs on the road that say "watch for falling rock"
My friend brought his wife into the pub and he asked me if i thought she was beautiful.
I said 'She's lovely, a great match for you. Got cracking legs matey'
he said: 'Thanks, that's her brittle bone syndrome'
Punchline Challenge: "And by the way, you've got a lovely home!"
What's the setup ?
A long day at the hospital
After a long day working at the hospital 3 doctors are walking home:
- "After seeing so many patients, it's really nice to see normal, healthy people" says the first doctor, a GP
- "Not only that, they are actually alive" answers the coroner
- "Who cares about all that! Just look at all those faces! Lovely, lovely human faces!" shouts the proctologist
A man is driving his car when suddenly the door of a parked car is swung open in front of him.
He proceeds to smash into the door of the car, ripping it off. He stops to see another man, in a very expensive suit, jump out of the car and scream at him "you just ripped the door off my lovely Porsche!".
The first man says "You are so materialistic...you didn't even notice that you left arm was ripped off in the accident".
The second man looks down for a second, then screams "my Rolex!"
The Priest and the Politician
A priest and a politician arrived at Heaven's gate one day together. And St. Peter, after doing all the necessary formalities, took them to show them where their quarters would be.
First, he took them to a small, single room with a bed, a chair, and a table and said this was for the priest. And the politician was a little worried about what might be in store for him. And he couldn't believe it then when St. Peter stopped in front of a beautiful mansion with lovely grounds, many servants, and told him that these would be his quarters.
And he couldn't help but ask, he said, "But wait, how—there's something wrong—how do I get this mansion while that good and holy man only gets a single room?" And St. Peter said, "You have to understand how things are up here. We've got thousands upon thousands of priests. You're the first politician who ever made it.
A man walks into a bar and spies two lovely women sitting by the entrance...
As he walks towards the bar, he sees one tap the other shoulder and point at him. She looks him up and down and says "9", followed by giggling. The man goes over to his buddy and boasts that the two lovely ladies by the entrance had said he was a 9.
"Yeah, sorry man, but when I walked in they were speaking German."
A drunk man approaches two overweight women after overhearing their conversation...
and says to them:
"Hey! I recognize that accent! Which part of England are you two lovely women from?"
Annoyed at the man's ignorance, they exclaim: "It's Wales!"
"Oh I'm so sorry! Which part of England are you two lovely *whales* from?"
So i was in the bar the other day.....
When i started hearing voices saying "nice shoes" and "lovely smile", I started wondering who was saying it so i went to the bartender and said "Mate, do you know who keeps saying nice things to me" He replied "Its the peanuts mate" I replied "Peanuts, What do you mean" The bartender replied "Yea they're complementary"
I've just got back from a f**... of a friend who was killed after being hit in the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.
I'm writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced.
There's a lovely key change at the end.
A wife complains to her husband
Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can't you do the same?
Are you mad? I barely know the woman!
A friend of mine died recently
A friend of mine died recently after drinking a gallon of varnish.
It was a horrible end, but a lovely finish.
Went to my old tennis coach's f**... last week.
His death was tragic but the service was lovely.
Fresh and Funny!
Hey Sue, what do you say to a nice walk?
Oh Harry, that would be lovely!
Wonderful. Could you bring me some beer and cigarettes on your way back?
My mother used to always say "give your food a rinse before you eat it."
Lovely woman. Terrible sandwiches.
Did you hear about the weird physicist?
He's a lovely guy but he's got some strange quarks.
I bought a lovely 12 year old Scotch
her parents reported me to the police
"Ha! i killed all your black guys!"
Said my son, playing a lovely chess game with me.
^^*true ^^story
A police officer knocked on my door last night.
He held up a picture and said to me, "Is this your wife?"
"Yes, that's her", I replied to him.
"I'm sorry to have to tell you this" the officer said, "but it looks like she's been in a car c**...".
"I know" I replied, but she has a lovely personality".
Dad there is something my boyfriend told me, that I didn't understand. He said that "I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."
"Tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and tries to check your oil with his d**..., I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking from his exhaust pipe."
My mother used to say the way to a mans heart is through his stomach. Lovely woman.
Useless surgeon.
My mother always said the quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach
Lovely woman, TERRIBLE surgeon
Right after the Baby was born, the Midwife asked me:
"Do you have a name yet?"
I said "Yes, it's Eli"
She said "Aww... That's a lovely name!"
"Thank you!" I said "-But what do you think we should call the baby?"
A woman filed a s**... harassment to the HR Department.
Hot employee: Sir I would like to file a complaint for s**... harrassment to my boss.
HR employee: So what did he do or say to you ?
Hot employee: He said my hair smells sweet and lovely today.
HR employees : I don't see a problem there. Aren't you just overreacting a bit he just complimented that your hair smells good.
Hot employee: SIR!! You don't understand my boss is a midget!!!
A man wanted to prove to his wife that he loved her more than s**......
so he bought her a lovely bouquet of roses. Despite his good intentions the devoted husband received a suspicious look when he handed her the flowers. I suppose now you expect me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs spread , said the wife. Why? asked the husband, Don't we have a vase?
My mom always used to say "50 is the new 20!"
Lovely woman, lost her driver's license...
Adam was lonely
He said "God, all the creatures have their mates but I am alone".
God thought for a minute and said "I will make you a perfect companion. She will be lovely, kind, attentive and will fulfill your every desire. I'll need from you two fingers, a kidney and one of your t**...".
Adam thought for a minute and said "What can I get for a rib?"
After my wife had given birth to our baby, the nurse asked me, "Do you have a name yet?" I replied proudly, "Yes, Steve!" She squealed, "Awww! That's a lovely name!"
"Thanks!" I said. "But what do you think we should call the baby!?"
A guy goes on a dating show where he has to whittle 26 girls (A-Z) down to one.
"OK ladies and gentlemen, we have two contestants remaining", announces the presenter, "you have a tough choice to make. Which one of these lovely girls will you take home tonight?"
Theres a long silence as the man thinks for a minute...
"Would you prefer A... or G?" asks the presenter
The man thinks a little longer, then replies, "Yes. Yes I would!"
I purchased a deodorant stick today
Instructions say, Remove cap and push up bottom
I can hardly walk but the room smells lovely when I f**....
My uncle drank a whole bottle of wood varnish
He had a horrible death but a lovely finish
Bought a deodrant stick today...
It said 'remove top and push up bottom'
I can hardly walk but my farts smell lovely.
A wife complains to her husband...
A wife complains to her husband: Just look at that couple down the road, Roger, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her … Why can't you do the same?
Are you mad? I barely know the woman!
My teacher told me I'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.
But so far I've made three j**... and a vase and they're lovely.
Ted Bundy was out one day having a lovely stroll with a lady friend.
They were walking through a gorgeous, secluded forest. After walking a while the sun was setting and it began to get dark.
The young lady turned to Ted and said, 'It's starting to look creepy here, I'm scared'.
Ted looked at her astonished and replied 'You're scared? How do you think I feel, I have to walk back out of here alone'.
A blind man walks into the bakery
A blind man walks into the bakery and asks for 8 poppy seed breads. While the baker gathers them for him, he asks: are you expecting any visitors? No, replies the blind man. But I'm going on vacation, and they have such lovely story's written on them!
My Grandad always said, As one door closes, another one opens.
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.
A little girl asks her mum
A little girl asks her mum "mummy, how was I born" Her mother smiled and replied "once upon a time your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful tiny seed. Your daddy planted it in the earth and I took care of it every single day. After a while the seed germinated and grew tall with many leaves until it became a lovely healthy plant. Then we dried it and smoked it and got so high we forgot to use a c**..."
My mate set me up on a blind date.
He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know... She's expecting a baby."
I felt like a right idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a n**...!
A friend set me up on a blind date. He said "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know. She's expecting a baby"
I felt like a right idiot sitting in a bar wearing nothing but a diaper.
Man looses his wife
I was in a department store the other day and I walked up to a young and lovely woman and said, "I've lost my wife in here somewhere. Can you talk to me a couple of minutes?"
The woman looks puzzled. "Why talk to me?", she asks.
Because every time I talk to a woman with t**... like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere."
They said i couldn't be good at poetry because i'm dyslexic.
But so far I've made 3 j**... and a vase and they are lovely.
My grandad used to say "If it wasn't for me, you'd all be speaking German right now"
Lovely man, terribly bad foreign language teacher. No idea why the school hired him.
My wife always says, "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach!"
Lovely woman.
Terrible surgeon.
My friend drowned himself in a vat of varnish. He had a horrible end,
...but a lovely finish.
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (a blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!"and hung up.
Curious, the husband said, "Who was that?" And his lovely wife replies, "I don't have any idea who it was. It was some s**... woman wanting to know "if the coast is clear."
My grandmother used to tell me the way to a man's heart is through his stomach.
Lovely lady. Terrible surgeon.
One day during a war....
A tall, strong and handsome Roman soldier broke into a house where he found two luscious maidens and their matronly nurse.
Chuckling with glee, he roared, "Prepare thyselves for a conquest, my pretties."
The lovely girls fell to their knees and pleaded with him, "Do with us as thou wilt, O Roman, but spare our faithful old nurse."
"Shut thy mouth," snapped the old nurse. "War is war."
A man can't decide what to get his girlfriend, a florist, for her birthday.
He goes all around town in search for a gift when he discovers a lovely garden of flowers. Because his wife loves flowers, he decides to pick out a lovely bouquet of daisies, roses and dandelions. The garden is empty and lifeless when he leaves that day.
When the day of his girlfriend's birthday arrives he gives her the handpicked bouquet of the flowers. The girl blushes and says Oh, thank you honey! These flowers are so pretty! They almost make me forget that someone destroyed my garden!
My uncle just died.
He fell into a vat of polish at the furniture factory.
It was a terrible end but a lovely finish.
Bob Ross used to say, "There are no mistakes, just happy little accidents."
Lovely man, terrible driving instructor.
A beautiful blonde babe gets out of the shower
when she hears a knock at the door
It's the blind man!! Says the voice
She thinks to herself, it's ok if I open the door, he's blind so he won't be able to see me, as she opens the door
The man walks in and says
You have a lovely pair of t**..., now where do you want the blinds ?
My mother always said that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach.
She was a lovely and generous woman, but a terrible surgeon.
Two scottish girls
Two girls speaking in what sounded like a lovely Scottish accent.
Bartender said: So, are you two girls from Scotland?
One of them said: "Wales Idiot!"
"Oh, I am terribly sorry about that", says the bartender
"So, are you two Whales from Scotland?"
I was talking to a lovely young lady and things seemed to be going really well.
Then she said "There's something I want to get out of the way right now," and she reached up and took a wig off her head, and it turned out she was as bald as a new-laid egg.
"Alopecia," she said. "It's a condition that causes hair to fall out."
"Oh," I said. "...Just on your head, or from anywhere else as well?"
"Well," she dimpled, "there's only one way to find out."
"Of course!" I said, and took out my phone. "Hey, Google..."
My grandfather once told me, "When one door closes, another one opens."
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.
I went on a date with a lovely woman and everything was going smoothly.
She said, "This is the best date I've ever had."
"Me too," I replied.
She said, "Pinch my arm to make sure that it's real."
I pinched it and said, "Yes, that is definitely an arm."
I met a lovely lady in the bar last night.
Although she was 57 she was very s**... and funny, she asked me if I fancied a Mother-Daughter t**...? I jumped at the chance,so we went back to her place, she took out her door keys and opened the door, turned on the light.
And shouts out, "Mum are you still awake."
I went to a Indian restaurant last night. After I had ordered, a little old lady came to me and said, "Aren't you polite. You have such lovely manners."
It was my complimentary nan
I received a lovely card saying "get better soon"
Which I found confusing, because I haven't been sick. Should I tell my manager she's made a mistake?
Bought a deodorant stick today.
Instructions say "remove cap & push up bottom"
I can hardly walk but when I f**... the room smells lovely
I was told I'll never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.
But so far I've made 3 j**... and a vase and they are lovely.
I found a Land Rover whilst metal detecting today
It was a lovely discovery
The police came to my house tonight holding a picture of my wife.
They said, "Is this your wife, sir?" Shocked, I answered, "Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."
I used to have a beautiful house and a lovely car, until my friend introduced me to drugs....
Now, I have a Caribbean Island and a cruise ship.
When Love Fades......
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's lovely voice from the kitchen.
"What would you like for dinner, my Love. . . Chicken, beef or lamb?"
I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."
She replied "You're having soup, a\*\*hole. I was talking to the cat."
Vladimir Putin just gave a statement about Russia's peace keeping operation in Ukraine
It's a piece-keeping operation. I'll be keeping this piece of Ukraine, and this piece. Ooh, and this piece is rather lovely, too!
After my wife had given birth to our baby, the nurse asked me, "Do you have a name yet?" I said, "Yes. Steve." She giggled, "Awww! That's a lovely name!" I replied, "Thanks."
"But what do you think we should call the baby?"
A guy walks into a bar
A guy walks into a bar and orders a glass of red wine. The bartender's therapy dog leaps to his feet, races across the room, runs down the stairs to the wine cellar and within moments returns with a lovely bottle of cabernet savignon in his jaws which he drops gently at the bartender's feet. "Wow, that dog is amazing," the guy says. "What kind is it?" "Oh, he's nothing special," the bartender replies. "Just a bordeaux collie."
I bought a new deodorant stick today. The instructions said remove the wrapper and push up bottom
I can hardly walk but when I f**... the room smells lovely!
My mother always used to say 'The way to a man's heart is through his stomach'
She's a lovely woman but a terrible surgeon.
A man is trying to avoid being conscripted.
He runs from his house as soldiers come for him. As he heads down the street, he sees a nun. He runs up to her and says "please sister, let me hide under your dress, I don't want to die in the war".
The nun takes pity on him and lets him hide under her dress. The soldiers pass them by. As he emerges, the man blushes and says to the nun "pardon my saying sister, but you have a lovely pair of legs."
The nun smiles and replies "if you looked a little higher, you would've seen a lovely pair of b**.... I don't want to die in the war either."
I used to have a lovely dog called Minton, until one day I can home and he had choked on a shuttlecock
Bad Minton
My grandpa used to say: "When one door closes, another one opens".
He was a lovely man, but a terrible cabinet maker.
When the young husband reached home from the office he found his wife in tears.
"Oh, John," she sobbed on his shoulder. "I had baked a lovely cake and put it out on the back porch for the frosting to dry and the dog ate it!"
"Well, don't cry about it, sweetheart," he consoled, patting the pretty flushed cheek. "I know a man who will give us another dog."
Source: 1913 newspaper
Wife: Now that we've been married 20 years, how old do you think I look, honestly?
Husband: From your skin I'd say 28, from your hair 25, from your figure 29.
Wife: Oh, what a lovely thing to say.
Husband: Hang on, I haven't finished adding it up yet.
