Love Marriage Jokes

Three women talk about their husband's performance as lovers.

The first woman says, "My husband is a marriage counselor, so he always buys me flowers and candy before we make love."
The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and use leather sometimes."
The third woman shakes her head and says, "My husband works for an Internet company. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."

I'm going to watch my wedding video later "backwards".

I love the end bit when she takes the ring off, goes back down the aisle and jumps in the car.

"Hi Liz! How's the big love of yours, James?"
"It's over!"
"Over? Why, what happened?"
"We got married..."

A friend of mine often tells to his wife: "It is better to be loved and almost the only one rather than to be the only one and almost loved…"

A wife tells her husband while watching a Mexican TV series:
"Look, how much he loves her…"
"Yes.

But do you know how much he's being paid for that?"

I just love to do special things for my wife on Valentine's day.

Like open the door for her when she puts all the laundry in the washing machine, or plug and unplug the vacuum as she moves from room to room cleaning.
Guys, it's these little thoughtful things you can do to have a marriage such as mine.

"Honey, on this Valentine's Day, I want to tell you something... I'm not rich like Jack, I don't have a mansion like Russell, or I don't have a Porsche like Martin, but I do love you and want to marry you."
"Oh, dear... I love you too... but, what was that you said about Martin?"

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.

That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

An iron rule of a leader – make love to your wife in the morning and you will be the first.

Dear men, if you stopped seeing your wife as a woman, it doesn't mean that all men are blind.

Q: What's that thing called when you're only attracted to married men and gay men?
A: Oh.

Single. It's called single.

I always wanted to marry an Archeologist.

The older I would get, the more interested she would become!

My marriage is over.

I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.
I do feel bad about it all. But then I realised; I can see Claire-Lee now Lorraine has gone.

Marriage Vows

A young couple were having their first fight, and it was a big one.
After a while, the husband said "When we got married, you promised to love, honor and obey."
His bride replied, "I know. But I didn't want to start an argument in
front of all those people."

A year after marriage, wife complains to husband that he promised he would love her the same even after marriage...

Husband says "yeah, but I wasn't expecting to get married to you!"

Will You Still Love Me???

Ah, marriage. I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring my reflection, when I posed this question to my wife of 30 years: Will you still love me when I'm old, fat, and balding?
She answered, I do.

Marriage jokes

A woman turns to her husband on their silver wedding anniversary and says, 'Darling, will you still love me when my hair turns grey?' Her husband replies, 'Why not? I stuck with you through the other six shades.'

A couple goes to a therapist...

after 18 years of marriage.
The wife shares, "I don't think my husband loves me!"
The therapist turns to the husband, "Well, do you love her?"
The husband says, "Of course, I do!"
So the therapist asks him, "Do you tell her that?"
The husband says, "I told her 18 years ago, if anything changes, I'll let her know.."

Two women named Rachel meet and fall in love.

They decide to get married and go to the baker's to pick out a wedding cake. The baker inquires about their story and appalled, refuses to bake them a wedding cake. They are very upset and accuse the baker of narrow-mindedness and bigotry. "Oh, no, no, no," the baker responds, "I don't have a problem with gay marriage, I just can't support an inter-Rachel marriage!"
Happy Valentine's, everyone!

Love is an ideal thing, marriage is a real thing;

a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished.
Goethe

A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry.

Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes.
"Oh" said the counselor, "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."

How are babies made?

When a mummy and daddy love each other very much the get married, and when that marriage is failing they have a baby. That's where you come in.

I just got married and I am scared of the statistics..

I'm not sure if I should be more worried about that 40-50% of marriages end in divorce or that 50-60% of all marriages last..
Jk honey, I love you. ^^^^^help

Love Versus Marriage

What's the difference between love and marriage?
-Love is one long, sweet dream and marriage is the alarm clock.

A couple are having marital difficulties,

...and the wife suggests they see a marriage counsellor.

At their first session the counsellor asks the couple to explain to each other how they feel about their marriage.

The wife says: We are at a crossroads. To the left is bitterness, resentment, divorce and a life of unhappiness. To the right is reconciliation, love and lifelong happiness.

The husband says: I think you'll find that's a T-junction.

After 65 years of marriage, my grandpa still calls grandma "honey", "sweetie", "baby", and "sugar". I asked him for the secret to keep love alive so long.

He said "i forgot her name 10 years ago, and I'm afraid to ask."