"And I love you tons" I replied.
"Wow fine, you don't have a nickname for me?" She said angrily.
Sometimes I swear the fat cunt's going deaf.
...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:
"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bombing and violence."
OK, there - I said it. Now can you please stop sending me death threats?
I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous.
I don't know how to do itβ¦
A startled, naked, man comes out of the bathroom, sees what's happening and says, "Please, please, take whatever you want, I will even give you the combination to my safe. Just, please, untie her and let her go."
The thieves were surprised by how heartfelt the pleas from the man were. One of them says, "Wow, you must really love your wife in order to beg like that."
The man replies, "I do, and she will be home any minute!"
But not my Sister.
I love being my own boss.
WIFE: I have a couple of important announcements... First: I'm pregnant.
HUSBAND: Hi Pregnant, I'm dad
WIFE: Second: No you're not
Today is 24/7
1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it.
2.) They LOVE chocolate.
So he asked his friend Gary for help deciding which girl to be with.
John: I'm devoted to Kate but Edith is my dream girl, she's all I've ever wanted.
Gary: Then you should be with Edith.
John: But I love Kate and could never leave her...
Gary: Then you should stay with Kate.
John: But I also want to be with Edith, I can't miss this opportunity!
Gary: You can't have your Kate and Edith too.
Thanks, Daylight Savings Time!
It's just really hard to find thirty two of them willing to do it .
She's gonna love this pack of playing cards.
Not a political post, I just love to travel
I think it's shocking how many people bring a knife on a date.
I love a protagonist with a twisted back story
I'd love to have one
I asked him and he said, "I still love vista, baby!"
It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
1. You should find a woman that helps you with the cleaning and the chores,
2. You should find a woman that is a good cook,
3. You should find a woman that you can trust and share your feelings with,
4. You should find a woman that enjoys making love to you,
5. Last and the most important thing is that these 4 women should never meet.
Man:"Why did you make women so beautiful?"
God:"So you would love her."
Man:"Then why did you make her so dumb?"
God:"So she would love you."
"All you do is boss me around all day!" said one of his sheep.
"What did you say?" said the farmer.
"You herd me."
It is very refreshing
He wrote in his facebook status "I love my girlfriend <3"
I knew that he liked them young but this is getting out of hand.
"Are you ok?" I asked her. "Do you know where your mommy and daddy are?"
"No" she sobbed
I love doing volunteer work at the orphanage
Him: What's a pirates favorite letter?
Me: ARRRGH!
Him: You would think it would be ARRRGH but my first love be the "C"!
We are from the south so things are going good.
Met a beautiful girl down at the park today.
Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex right there and then.
God, I love my new Taser...
My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!
What makes you say that? the bartender inquired.
Last week, Bill explained, I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman or mailman came by, she'd run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, 'My husband's home! My husband's home!'
It exists thanks to gullible six year olds
A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: "If you are
sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If
you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you
are crying, send me your tears. I love you!"
The husband, typically non-romantic, replied: "I am on the toilet. Please advise."
I went to my first fight club meeting last night, i showed up late so i missed the first few rules but it was awesome i love fight club cant wait for the next meetingο»Ώ
Thanks, Daylight Savings Time. I couldn't have done it without you.
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other - two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what's 'penetrating gays'?
Me: Er... read me the whole sentence
Her: "She stared at him with a penetrating gaze"
Me: Oh
Because he is the Supreme Reader.
Thief: You must really love your wife!
Man: No, but she will be home shortly .
but I hate punctuation
That's what I get for dating a tennis player.
Sold my homing pigeons 4 times this month.
Cause you just can't beat Mayweather.
To them love means nothing.
It makes my day.
Girls love to do dishes.
Because he preferred a cock-er-two!
This is my first original pirate-themed joke. I have more on the way. Love it? Hate it? Let me know!
A first-grade teacher can't believe her student isn't hepped-up about the Super Bowl. It's a huge event. Why aren't you excited?
Because I'm not a football fan. My parents love basketball, so I do too, says the student.
Well, that's a lousy reason, says the teacher. What if your parents were morons? What would you be then?
Then I'd be a football fan.
I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
"I love my job, I'm my own boss.
Nobody tells me what to doβ¦"
Then I said "turn left"
Love means nothing to them
She asked, "If I get pregnant, what should we name the baby?"
I took off my condom, tied a knot, and flushed it down the toilet.
"Well" I said, "If he can get out of that, we'll call him Houdini".
I love homemade gifts!
... Though, they do make me look a bit gay.
..so I failed her!
1st Daughter:"Dad, I am a lesbian"
Dad; "Oh okay!"
2nd Daughter: "I'm a lesbian too..."
Dad: "Jesus Christ, does any one in this family love dicks?"
Son: "I do."
Ye'd think it was R, but his first love be the C.
...Or as we call him here in Zimbabwe, '200 million dollars'.
Then I grabbed her by the love handles and said, "Just look at all this skin."
He did heroin
- My man is an architect. Our love life has form, vision and function, good plan as well.
- My man is an artist. Our love life has passion, imagination and improvisation.
- And my man is a programmer. He sits in bed and tells me how good it's going to be when it's ready.
"I'm still pulling the plug Grandma"
Boyfriend - "I love your sense of humor most"
The verb not the adjective
"I'd love a sibling!" I said.
"That's not what we meant." they replied.
A horse walks into a bar and says "bartender, scotch on the rocks please!"
The bartender, rubbing his eyes in disbelief says "did.. did you just talk?!"
"Yes I have, why?" Said the horse
"It's just, incredible! I've never seen a talking horse! You know, you should really go talk to the local circus, they would LOVE to have someone with your skills!"
The horse replied "why? Are they short on electricians?"
Because without that, what else is there to destroy?
Everything good is taken and it's frowned upon to go into the handicapped ones.
Joe had a blind date with Maria for the prom and, as the evening progressed, he found himself more and more attracted to her.
After some really passionate embracing, he said: "Tell me, do you object to making love?"
"That is something I have never done before," Maria replied.
"Never made love? You mean you are a virgin?" Joe was amazed!
"No, silly," she giggled, "I've never objected!"
Because halfway through they get to switch sides
"I love you Freddy," she said, stroking his fur.
"I love him more than you," I replied.
She said, "I don't think so, I definitely love him most."
I said, "You misunderstood me."
Must be big love, haven't seen her for weeks.
And I answered: "Of course! I'd miss you, but I still love you"
Because they're inbred too.
Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Love? Well, here are the best Love puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Love pick up lines to share with friends.