Love Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

"I love you lots snuggles" said my girlfriend

"And I love you tons" I replied.
"Wow fine, you don't have a nickname for me?" She said angrily.
Sometimes I swear the fat cunt's going deaf.

After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...

...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:

"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bombing and violence."

OK, there - I said it. Now can you please stop sending me death threats?

My brother just updated his status to "I love my girlfriend <3".

I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous.

Making love to a woman is like playing a violin…

I don't know how to do it…

Two thieves break into a house. Once inside, they sneak into the master bedroom and tie up the naked woman they find in there.

A startled, naked, man comes out of the bathroom, sees what's happening and says, "Please, please, take whatever you want, I will even give you the combination to my safe. Just, please, untie her and let her go."

The thieves were surprised by how heartfelt the pleas from the man were. One of them says, "Wow, you must really love your wife in order to beg like that."

The man replies, "I do, and she will be home any minute!"

Most women would love to wake up on their birthday to the smell of fresh coffee, a nice breakfast, flowers and oral

But not my Sister.

I quit my job to start a cloning business and it's been great,

I love being my own boss.

I love dad jokes

WIFE: I have a couple of important announcements... First: I'm pregnant.

HUSBAND: Hi Pregnant, I'm dad

WIFE: Second: No you're not

REMINDER: If you have promised your SO that you will love them 24/7

Today is 24/7

As a person who has owned over 50 dogs in their life there are 2 thing I've learnt...

1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it.

2.) They LOVE chocolate.

John was unable to choose between two girls...

So he asked his friend Gary for help deciding which girl to be with.

John: I'm devoted to Kate but Edith is my dream girl, she's all I've ever wanted.

Gary: Then you should be with Edith.

John: But I love Kate and could never leave her...

Gary: Then you should stay with Kate.

John: But I also want to be with Edith, I can't miss this opportunity!

Gary: You can't have your Kate and Edith too.

Made love to my wife for an hour and four minutes tonight

Thanks, Daylight Savings Time!

I really love playing chess with elderly people in the park.

It's just really hard to find thirty two of them willing to do it .

My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it.

She's gonna love this pack of playing cards.

If Trump wins Im leaving the country if Clinton wins Im leaving the country

Not a political post, I just love to travel

Whenever I see two lovers names carved into a tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I think it's shocking how many people bring a knife on a date.

My favourite film is The Hunchback of Notre Dame

I love a protagonist with a twisted back story

A girlfriend is like a good US president

I'd love to have one

Why didn't the terminator upgrade to windows 10?

I asked him and he said, "I still love vista, baby!"

My wife always accuses me of having a favorite child.

It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.

5 advices to men for a happy life

1. You should find a woman that helps you with the cleaning and the chores,

2. You should find a woman that is a good cook,

3. You should find a woman that you can trust and share your feelings with,

4. You should find a woman that enjoys making love to you,

5. Last and the most important thing is that these 4 women should never meet.

A man asks god...

Man:"Why did you make women so beautiful?"
God:"So you would love her."
Man:"Then why did you make her so dumb?"
God:"So she would love you."

"I love my job!" said the farmer

"All you do is boss me around all day!" said one of his sheep.

"What did you say?" said the farmer.

"You herd me."

I love the smell of my f5 key...

It is very refreshing

Yesterday my brother uploaded a status on Facebook.

He wrote in his facebook status "I love my girlfriend <3"

I knew that he liked them young but this is getting out of hand.

I saw a 4 year old girl crying, all alone

"Are you ok?" I asked her. "Do you know where your mommy and daddy are?"

"No" she sobbed

I love doing volunteer work at the orphanage

As told to me by my 7 YO son this morning...

Him: What's a pirates favorite letter?
Me: ARRRGH!
Him: You would think it would be ARRRGH but my first love be the "C"!

When I professed my love to a female friend she told me she loved me like a brother...

We are from the south so things are going good.

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today..

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today.

Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex right there and then.

God, I love my new Taser...

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced...

My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!

What makes you say that? the bartender inquired.

Last week, Bill explained, I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman or mailman came by, she'd run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, 'My husband's home! My husband's home!'

My love life is like Santa Claus.

It exists thanks to gullible six year olds

A wife texts her husband

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: "If you are
sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If
you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you
are crying, send me your tears. I love you!"
The husband, typically non-romantic, replied: "I am on the toilet. Please advise."

fight club

I went to my first fight club meeting last night, i showed up late so i missed the first few rules but it was awesome i love fight club cant wait for the next meetingο»Ώ

Made love to my girlfriend for an hour and 15 seconds last night

Thanks, Daylight Savings Time. I couldn't have done it without you.

Daughter: What does gays mean?

Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other - two men can love each other the same way

Her: So what's 'penetrating gays'?

Me: Er... read me the whole sentence

Her: "She stared at him with a penetrating gaze"

Me: Oh

Why does Kim Jong Un love books?

Because he is the Supreme Reader.

A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, You can take anything you want. You can even pistol whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.

Thief: You must really love your wife!


Man: No, but she will be home shortly .

I love eating babies and smiling

but I hate punctuation

My girlfriend told me love means nothing to her

That's what I get for dating a tennis player.

I love eBay!

Sold my homing pigeons 4 times this month.

Why does McGregor love springtime so much?

Cause you just can't beat Mayweather.

Never date a tennis player.

To them love means nothing.

I love the way the Earth rotates...

It makes my day.

For Halloween I'm dressing up as a plate.

Girls love to do dishes.

Why didn't the gay pirate have a parrot?

Because he preferred a cock-er-two!

This is my first original pirate-themed joke. I have more on the way. Love it? Hate it? Let me know!

Smart first grader

A first-grade teacher can't believe her student isn't hepped-up about the Super Bowl. It's a huge event. Why aren't you excited?

Because I'm not a football fan. My parents love basketball, so I do too, says the student.

Well, that's a lousy reason, says the teacher. What if your parents were morons? What would you be then?

Then I'd be a football fan.

My wife accuses me of favoritism over my children, which is not true.

I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.

I was in a Uber today and the driver said,

"I love my job, I'm my own boss.
Nobody tells me what to do…"

Then I said "turn left"

Never ever marry a tennis player

Love means nothing to them

I just made love to my girlfriend

She asked, "If I get pregnant, what should we name the baby?"

I took off my condom, tied a knot, and flushed it down the toilet.

"Well" I said, "If he can get out of that, we'll call him Houdini".

I got an iPad from my chinese friend...

I love homemade gifts!

The thing I love most about this fall weather is the UGG boots and yoga pants..

... Though, they do make me look a bit gay.

In my 4th grade class the cutest girl threw away my love letter..

..so I failed her!

[NSFW] Dad, I am a lesbian

1st Daughter:"Dad, I am a lesbian"
Dad; "Oh okay!"
2nd Daughter: "I'm a lesbian too..."
Dad: "Jesus Christ, does any one in this family love dicks?"
Son: "I do."

What's a pirate's favorite letter?

Ye'd think it was R, but his first love be the C.

I really love 50 Cent...

...Or as we call him here in Zimbabwe, '200 million dollars'.

I told my wife, "You are so skinny."

Then I grabbed her by the love handles and said, "Just look at all this skin."

My Uncle always said "Do something you love and you'll never work a day in your life!"

He did heroin

Women are discussing their sex life.

- My man is an architect. Our love life has form, vision and function, good plan as well.
- My man is an artist. Our love life has passion, imagination and improvisation.
- And my man is a programmer. He sits in bed and tells me how good it's going to be when it's ready.

What is the worst response to "I love you"?

"I'm still pulling the plug Grandma"

A girl asked her boyfriend "Which do you love more, my pretty face more or my sexy body?"

Boyfriend - "I love your sense of humor most"

I love helping blind children

The verb not the adjective

My parents just said they want another child.

"I'd love a sibling!" I said.

"That's not what we meant." they replied.

A horse walks into a bar

A horse walks into a bar and says "bartender, scotch on the rocks please!"

The bartender, rubbing his eyes in disbelief says "did.. did you just talk?!"

"Yes I have, why?" Said the horse

"It's just, incredible! I've never seen a talking horse! You know, you should really go talk to the local circus, they would LOVE to have someone with your skills!"

The horse replied "why? Are they short on electricians?"

Women love a man brimming with confidence.

Because without that, what else is there to destroy?

Love is like looking for a parking spot

Everything good is taken and it's frowned upon to go into the handicapped ones.

Are you a VIRGIN?

Joe had a blind date with Maria for the prom and, as the evening progressed, he found himself more and more attracted to her.

After some really passionate embracing, he said: "Tell me, do you object to making love?"

"That is something I have never done before," Maria replied.

"Never made love? You mean you are a virgin?" Joe was amazed!

"No, silly," she giggled, "I've never objected!"

Why do italians love soccer?

Because halfway through they get to switch sides

My girlfriend's dog came running up to us for a cuddle.

"I love you Freddy," she said, stroking his fur.

"I love him more than you," I replied.

She said, "I don't think so, I definitely love him most."

I said, "You misunderstood me."

My 14-year-old daughter has finally met her online boyfriend in real life.

Must be big love, haven't seen her for weeks.

My girlfriend asked me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?"

And I answered: "Of course! I'd miss you, but I still love you"

Why do rednecks love sandwiches?

Because they're inbred too.

What are the funniest love jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Love? Well, here are the best Love puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Love pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes