Fun-Filled Love Jokes to Make You and Your Friends Chuckle & Giggle
"I love you lots snuggles" said my girlfriend
"And I love you tons" I replied.
"Wow fine, you don't have a nickname for me?" She said angrily.
Sometimes I swear the fat c**...'s going deaf.
After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...
...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:
"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages s**... b**... and violence."
OK, there - I said it. Now can you please stop sending me death threats?
My brother just updated his status to "I love my girlfriend <3".
I always knew he liked them young, but that is f**... ridiculous.
A wife texts her husband
A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: "If you are
sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If
you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you
are crying, send me your tears. I love you!"
The husband, typically non-romantic, replied: "I am on the toilet. Please advise."
My wife always accuses me of having a favorite child.
It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
As told to me by my 7 YO son this morning...
Him: What's a pirates favorite letter?
Me: ARRRGH!
Him: You would think it would be ARRRGH but my first love be the "C"!
Why didn't the gay pirate have a parrot?
Because he preferred a c**...-er-two!
This is my first original pirate-themed joke. I have more on the way. Love it? Hate it? Let me know!
5 advices to men for a happy life
1. You should find a woman that helps you with the cleaning and the chores,
2. You should find a woman that is a good cook,
3. You should find a woman that you can trust and share your feelings with,
4. You should find a woman that enjoys making love to you,
5. Last and the most important thing is that these 4 women should never meet.
A man asks god...
Man:"Why did you make women so beautiful?"
God:"So you would love her."
Man:"Then why did you make her so dumb?"
God:"So she would love you."
My love life is like Santa Claus.
It exists thanks to gullible six year olds
Why didn't the terminator upgrade to windows 10?
I asked him and he said, "I still love vista, baby!"
You can explore love beloved reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean love falling in love dad jokes. There are also love puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
fight club
I went to my first fight club meeting last night, i showed up late so i missed the first few rules but it was awesome i love fight club cant wait for the next meetingο»Ώ
Why does Kim Jong Un love books?
Because he is the Supreme Reader.
Met a beautiful girl down at the park today..
Met a beautiful girl down at the park today.
Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having s**... right there and then.
God, I love my new Taser...
If Trump wins Im leaving the country if Clinton wins Im leaving the country
Not a political post, I just love to travel
I love the way the Earth rotates...
It makes my day.
Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced...
My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!
What makes you say that? the bartender inquired.
Last week, Bill explained, I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman or mailman came by, she'd run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, 'My husband's home! My husband's home!'
I love the smell of my f5 key...
It is very refreshing
My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it.
She's gonna love this pack of playing cards.
I love eBay!
Sold my homing pigeons 4 times this month.
For Halloween I'm dressing up as a plate.
Girls love to do dishes.
Most women would love to wake up on their birthday to the smell of fresh coffee, a nice breakfast, flowers and o**...
But not my Sister.
Made love to my girlfriend for an hour and 15 seconds last night
Thanks, Daylight Savings Time. I couldn't have done it without you.
My favourite film is The Hunchback of Notre Dame
I love a protagonist with a twisted back story
Making love to a woman is like playing a violinβ¦
I don't know how to do itβ¦
I saw a 4 year old girl crying, all alone
"Are you ok?" I asked her. "Do you know where your mommy and daddy are?"
"No" she sobbed
I love doing volunteer work at the orphanage
John was unable to choose between two girls...
So he asked his friend Gary for help deciding which girl to be with.
John: I'm devoted to Kate but Edith is my dream girl, she's all I've ever wanted.
Gary: Then you should be with Edith.
John: But I love Kate and could never leave her...
Gary: Then you should stay with Kate.
John: But I also want to be with Edith, I can't miss this opportunity!
Gary: You can't have your Kate and Edith too.
REMINDER: If you have promised your SO that you will love them 24/7
Today is 24/7
I love eating babies and smiling
but I hate punctuation
Why does McGregor love springtime so much?
Cause you just can't beat Mayweather.
I really love playing chess with elderly people in the park.
It's just really hard to find thirty two of them willing to do it .
Yesterday my brother uploaded a status on Facebook.
He wrote in his facebook status "I love my girlfriend <3"
I knew that he liked them young but this is getting out of hand.
Smart first grader
A first-grade teacher can't believe her student isn't hepped-up about the Super Bowl. It's a huge event. Why aren't you excited?
Because I'm not a football fan. My parents love basketball, so I do too, says the student.
Well, that's a lousy reason, says the teacher. What if your parents were morons? What would you be then?
Then I'd be a football fan.
Whenever I see two lovers names carved into a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
I think it's shocking how many people bring a knife on a date.
"I love my job!" said the farmer
"All you do is boss me around all day!" said one of his sheep.
"What did you say?" said the farmer.
"You herd me."
Made love to my wife for an hour and four minutes tonight
Thanks, Daylight Savings Time!
I love dad jokes
WIFE: I have a couple of important announcements... First: I'm pregnant.
HUSBAND: Hi Pregnant, I'm dad
WIFE: Second: No you're not
I quit my job to start a cloning business and it's been great,
I love being my own boss.
Daughter: What does g**... mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other - two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what's 'penetrating g**...'?
Me: Er... read me the whole sentence
Her: "She stared at him with a penetrating gaze"
Me: Oh
My girlfriend told me love means nothing to her
That's what I get for dating a tennis player.
A girlfriend is like a good US president
I'd love to have one
A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He t**... the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, You can take anything you want. You can even p**... whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.
Thief: You must really love your wife!
Man: No, but she will be home shortly .
When I professed my love to a female friend she told me she loved me like a brother...
We are from the south so things are going good.
As a person who has owned over 50 dogs in their life there are 2 thing I've learnt...
1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it.
2.) They LOVE chocolate.
Two thieves break into a house. Once inside, they sneak into the master bedroom and tie up the n**... woman they find in there.
A startled, n**..., man comes out of the bathroom, sees what's happening and says, "Please, please, take whatever you want, I will even give you the combination to my safe. Just, please, untie her and let her go."
The thieves were surprised by how heartfelt the pleas from the man were. One of them says, "Wow, you must really love your wife in order to beg like that."
The man replies, "I do, and she will be home any minute!"
Why are circumsized p**... so popular among Jewish girls?
They love anything that's 15% off
Just a joke lol
I fell in love with a girl who only knew four vowels
She didn't know I existed
My wife asked me, If I die, will you re-marry?
I replied, I don't know love, I don't think about those sorts of things.
Well If you did, would she live in our house? she asked
I said, I don't know, I haven't thought about it!
Then she asked Would you let her wear my clothes?
I replied Nah she's not your size
As a non-American, I love seeing Americans saying Happy 4th of July.
It's the only time Americans pronounce dates correctly.
I saw a girl crying, so I asked her Where are your parents? and she started crying even more.
Man, I love working at the orphanage.
Why do Chinese people love IPhones and Apple products?
Because the greatest gifts are the ones your children made.
(inspired by u/lorenzomofo 's comment on a
r/nextfuckinglevel post)
A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead: "I'm afraid he died last week," she explains.
The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. "I told you," the wife replies, "he died last week." The day after he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts: "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"
"Cos" He replies laughing, "I just love hearing it..."
I said I love you to my cake.
It burst into tiers.
Why did Princess Leia date so many guys before she found Han?
She was looking for love in Alderaan places.
I haven't had s**... since 1956
A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman. The general replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour. Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the general and said "Well, you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956..." The general looked at her, confused, and replied "I sure hope not, it's only 2130 now."
The Bible tells us to love each other.
The Kama Sutra is a little more specific.
Why does Greta Thunberg love this sub?
Coz of the amount of reused content here.
A husky, a pitbull, and a chihuahua are all fighting over a poodle.
Poodle says: "I'll only choose the mate who can use the words 'Liver' and 'Cheese' in one sentence..."
Husky: "Well that's easy, I love liver and I love cheese!"
Poodle: "That's not gonna work"
Pitbull: "I hate liver and I hate cheese!"
Poodle: "...No"
Chihuahua: "LIVER ALONE, CHEESE MINE!"
Four guys are playing golf together and talking about how successful their sons are.
The first says, "My son is so successful, he's VP of his company and just gave his best friend a car. "
The second says, " That's nothing, my son is CEO of his company and just gave his best friend a house."
The third says, "Well, my son owns 3 highly profitable companies and just gave his best friend a jet."
They look expectantly at the last guy who says, "My son is a gay e**... who gets showered with love and admiration. He just got a car, a house, and a jet from three of his clients."
This was an actual conversation that took place between my wife and my 7 yr old son just now.
My wife has been teaching my son to fold his own laundry but he complains about it everytime. My wife, trying to convince my son, said to him "If you pick up this habit, your future wife will love you very much."
My son replied "I don't want my future wife to love me very much. I want my future wife to help me fold my laundry."
I busted out laughing. But the end result is that now I have to fold my own laundry going forward.
A German Shepherd, a Doberman, and a cat died.
In Heaven, all three faced God, who wanted to know what they believed in.
The German Shepherd said, I believe in discipline, training, and loyalty to my master.
Good! said God. Sit at my right side. Then God asked, Doberman, what do you believe in?
The Doberman answered, I believe in the love, care, and protection of my master.
Aha, said God, you may sit on my left.
Then God looked at the cat and asked, And what do you believe in?
I believe, replied the cat, that you are sitting in my seat.
The Bible and the Quran tell us to love each other
The Kamasutra is more specific.
As the Kardashians celebrate their 20th and final season...
I would LOVE to congratulate myself for never watching a single episode.
After 65 years of marriage, my grandpa still calls grandma "honey", "sweetie", "baby", and "sugar". I asked him for the secret to keep love alive so long.
He said "i forgot her name 10 years ago, and I'm afraid to ask."
We thought it was our ability to love that made us human,
but it turns out it was actually our ability to SELECT EACH IMAGE CONTAINING A TRUCK.
There's s**... without love, and there's love without s**....
And there's us, without either.
Happy Valentine's Day.
I asked my wife So, do you think the cup is half full or half empty? And you know what she said?
Please for the love of god could you stop wearing my bras!
I'm currently in a love triangle
I like this girl, this girl likes nobody, and nobody likes me.
I love politically incorrect jokes, and here is my favourite.
Benjamin Franklin was a great American President.
Please don't post any more school shooting jokes, consider them rule 10 - overly offensive.
Let's give each other time to heal and get back to the reposts we all know and love (just kidding) - but enough is enough of these.
A man and a woman meet in heaven and fall in love.
They walk up to God and ask to be married.
God says give me some time and I'll get back to you.
Three or four years pass and God finally tells the man and woman that he can have them married.
A few more years pass and the man and woman fall out of love. They approach God once more and this time they ask for a divorce.
God responds, "It took me four years to find a priest in this place. How long do you think it'll take me to find a lawyer?!"
My girlfriend was devastated when she found out the reason why my nickname is The Love Machine .
It's because I'm terrible at tennis.
A genie grants three wishes to an old lady.
She says, "I want to be young again."
\*p**...\*
She's young again.
"I want my little house to be turned into a beautiful mansion."
\*p**...\*
She's now living in a beautiful mansion.
"I want my cat to be turned into a handsome young man!"
\*p**...\*
Her cat is now a handsome young man.
"Oh cat, all my fantasies have come true! Take me in your arms, take me upstairs and make mad, passionate love to me!"
The cat says, "Oh darlin', you should've thought about that a long time ago, before you had me fixed."
After making love to my wife last night, she told me I had a body built for sin
12 hours later, I still can't figure out if she meant Gluttony or Sloth
I love the taste of clocks butβ¦
Eating them is time consuming
He: "I took a day off on Feb 14th". She: "Oh ! That's so sweet darling, I love you".
He: "Do you think you can help me sell 2.000 flowers in one day ?"
A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE: (the Washington Post competition)
I'll go first... I love you and the smell of your hair,Please don't be home when I get there.
EDIT- I have to say, the rhymes and creativity; you all are incredible, Now I have to wonder who's most edible...(no really great job to all)
I'm always in a love triangle
I fall in love with a girl, the girl is in love with nobody, and nobody loves me.
What cake can love anyone?
A pan cake
I love my job
I get to serve several meals each day
I meet tons of facinating people
I always smile and ask " Wanna eat it here, or take it home ?
"
Though i'm met with a offensive remark each time, its still worth it.
God i love serving food in prison.
After fighting off waves of attacks by the Spartans, Paris went to visit with Helen
But alas, she was not very happy.
What is wrong, my love?
It's nothing.
Come on, my love, I sacrificed so much for you, so you must divulge why you're not happy. He pleaded.
It's nothing.
I'm pleading with you! I will defeat the whole spartan army and Achiles himself to see that smile again! Please, for the love of Zeus, why are you sad?
Well, it's justβ¦
Yes? What is it?
If you must knowβ¦
Yes? Yes? He asked, encouraging her.
I only count 999 ships.
Cop joke.
So I'm an ER RN and we love to joke around. Had two cops in with a patient. I deadpanned I heard there's been ppl stealing tires off (local) cop carsβ¦. The one cop says I haven't heard anything about this .
So⦠I said I've heard the police are tirelessly investigating it.
First cop high fives me. I say dad joke! Second cop pouts.
Lol.
