Love Hate Jokes
105 love hate jokes and hilarious love hate puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about love hate that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Love Hate Short Jokes
Short love hate jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The love hate humour may include short hated jokes also.
- I was forced to read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. I hated it at first, but now I love it.
- I'm not sure about my stand on the abortion issue.... On one side, I love to kill babies but on the other side, I hate to give women a choice.
- A strange man appeared at the door and offered me 100k, but 200k would be given to the person I hate most. Terrific I said, I would love 300k.
- My wife has told me she wants a divorce because there's another man. I hate to lose her… …but I just love him more…
- I'm have mixed feelings about abortion. On one hand, I love killing babies, on the other I hate giving women rights.
- I recently read a book on 'Stockholm Syndrome' I hated it as first, but by the end, I really loved it
- Some of my friends loved the game Battleship while the others absolutely hated it. It was…hit or miss.
- I love The Cranberries but don't you hate it when one of their songs gets stuck in your head, in your heaad
- Conversation that just happened between a friend (lawyer) and I (Architect). Friend: Everybody hates lawyers, until they need one.
Me: Everybody loves architects, until they need one. - So we hated congress a few days ago for not giving us $2000 but today we love then after the riot yesterday... ...so abusive relationships do work
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Love Hate One Liners
Which love hate one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with love hate? I can suggest the ones about hating and hatred.
- I love eating babies and smiling but I hate punctuation
- I read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. At first I hated it, but by the end I loved it.
- What do farts and children have in common? You love your own, but hate everyone else's.
- I used to love going to dinner parties as a little girl My wife hated it though.
- It's amusing how Americans love Cardi-B ..but hate Cardi-o
- Black people love boom boxes .. I hate to generalize, but it's their stereotype ;-)
- I love cooking dogs and children. But I hate using commas.
- I'm not racist I love all races Except marathons I hate running
- I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals.. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.
- If you love white rice, and hate brown rice.. You're a ricist.
- I used to hate dad jokes but I've groaned to love them.
- You might be a lesbian if You hate cooking but you love eating out.
- I hate all of you April fools I love you all
- Her: Do you really hate every hugh grant movie? Me: No, I love Love Actually actually.
- I love white rice, but hate brown rice! Does that make me rice-ist?
Love Hate Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about love hate you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean sad love jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make love hate pranks.
The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman, and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink, when a great looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."
So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."
The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative enough."
Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone, cheese mine."
Jewish Business
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was trudging through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried towards it, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5"
The Taliban shouted, "Infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie! I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"OK, OK" said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."
Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead, and said "Your f***ing brother won't let me in without a tie!"
I love my girlfriend, but...
My wife hates her!
Arnold Schwarzenegger didn't get any eggs for easter.
His secretary asked him: "Does this mean you hate easter now?"
He said: "Nah. I still love easter baby".
*(Reading out loud helps).*
At Night
It is night, I'm sleeping. Gently you're moving towards me, softly touching my n**... body searching for that one special place. You've found it and you start s**... on it. You love it so much.
I hate you, mosquito.
Why would two melons in love hate their parents?
Because they cantaloupe.
=D.....=).....=|……='(
A doctor goes to confession...
"Forgive me father for I have sinned."
The priest replies, "Tell me your sins my child."
The doctor says, "I slept with five of my patients. I know it was wrong, not mention unethical. Since it happened, I've barely been able to sleep and I have no appetite. I feel so guilty."
The priest consoles him saying, "You must learn to forgive yourself."
The man replies, "But how can I? How can I return from this sin?"
The priest says, "You're not the first doctor to sleep with a patient and you won't be last."
The man nods in consent while the priest absolves him. As they exit the confessional, the priest looks at the doctor and says, "I hate to ask, but seeing as you're a doctor, do you think that you could take a look at my t**..., it's been sore for days."
The man replies, "I'd love to father, but I'm not that type of doctor. I'm a veterinarian."
What do you call a Parrot that loves maths and hates food?
a polynomeal
What's the thin line between love and hate?
A c**....
Was I your first?
John and Jenna had just finished making love and in a post c**... moment John asked Jenna,"Sweety I am feeling a bit akward asking this but was I the first guy with whom, you know".
Jenna frowned and said," Yes you are my first! GeezI I hate it when you guys ask the same question"
Why do Muslims love esprssso?
It's not so much that they love espresso. They just really hate the French press.
Why didn't the gay pirate have a parrot?
Because he preferred a c**...-er-two!
This is my first original pirate-themed joke. I have more on the way. Love it? Hate it? Let me know!
I bought a new pair of polarizing sunglasses and was asking my friends what they thought of them.
They seemed to either love them or hate them.
If you love someone, set them free.
If you hate someone, set them on fire.
Why German Loves Americans
why do Germans love Americans? because Americans are the most hated people in the world now.
Jesus loves everyone. Except manicurists.
He always hated having his nails done.
Three Businessmen are on a plane
The first one turns to the other two and says "My wife and I hate these long business trips, but at least we got to have s**... 3 times last night before I had to go to the airport."
"Just 3?" Replied the 2nd man. "I made love to my girlfriend 5 times." Turning to the 3rd man he asks "And you?"
"I only made love to my wife once last night." the 3rd guy replied.
"Just once? That's it? Geez. What did your wife say in the morning?"
"Don't stop."
Filipino, a Chinese, a Japanese and a bar
Filipino, a Chinese man, and a Japanese guy are in a bar having a drink. When a gorgeous woman comes up to them and says, Whoever can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' in a creative sentence can have me for tonight. So the Chinese guy says I love liver and cheese. She says That's not good enough The Japanese man says I hate liver and cheese She says That's not creative Finally, the Filipino says Liver alone, cheese mine!
I'd really, really love to adopt a kid some day.
Abort*
Sorry, I hate auto correct.
I flew the love of my life to the mountains this weekend. I rode her for hours. I had never rode her so hard! In fact I was so tired I decided to stay the night and ended up riding her some more in the morning. I don't think I have ever had such an amazing time.
My GF hates when I talk about my bike trips with her parents.
Offensive jokes are like clowns...
Some people love them and laugh at them. Some people hate them. And some just take them way too seriously.
Why do people hate beards at the start but love them by the end?
They grow on you.
Whether you love him or hate him...
...Trump got more fat women walking in one day than Michelle Obama did in eight years.
It must be very confusing to have s**... with William Shatner. You never know if he loves it or hates it.
No, don't, stop.
I think these protesters are sending the wrong message...
because they keep telling me to Love Trump's Hate.
Love him or hate him at least President Trump is raising awareness of one of the greatest challenges facing America.....
....Mental Health. 'Cause either that dude is crazy or I am and my best guess is before all this is said and done we're all going to need a little therapy.
There are three things that I absolutely hated when I was 5 that I love now that I'm an adult.
Green vegetables, reading and rough s**....
During s**..., I like to tell my girl how much I love her.
She hates it when I do that because it wakes her up.
I'm not sure how I feel about abortion.
I love killing babies, but I hate the idea of giving women rights.
So what's your take on abortion?
Well, on one hand I love killing babies, but on the other I really hate women's rights.
Why do christians hate vegans?
Because vegans love seitan
The beard or me. You must choose.
A guy decides to grow a beard and his girlfriend hates it. She finally tells him: it's time to choose me or the beard.
He says: "What? Choose between the love of my life and a source of irritation that needs constant attention and tending? That's an easy decision....The hard question is who gets the apartment?"
given the context, "hard at work" is something your boss would either really love or really hate for you to be
because erections
What's the thing that moms love but kids hate?
Spankings
Arnold Schwarzenegger joined an Easter egg hunt but didn't find any eggs. His secretary asks "Does this mean you hate Easter now?"
He shakes his head and responds:
"I still love Easter baby."
Diet Downer
I'm not vegetarian because I love animals. I'm vegetarian because I hate vegetables.
I love dating suicidal women...
because I hate long-term commitment.
My friend once moved to Greece just for the yogurt...
...turns out he loved the weather, but hated the culture.
Little known fact about polar bears:
They love the cold. Maybe that's widely known. On the other hand, Bipolar bears sometimes love it, sometimes hate it.
My Mom Tried To Force Feed Me Alphabet Soup, Saying I Loved It
I Hate It When People Put Words In My Mouth
Is it wrong to hate a particular race?
I love to run, but I hate running 10k races as they make me feel sick the next day.
Everyone loves to do it but hates when others do it.
f**....
They say if you do what you love, you'll never work a day in your life...
And they're absolutely correct because the only thing I love is not working.
I hate my job.... goodnight
An American and a German are discussing freedom of speech.
The German says:
>Here in Germany, contrary to what a lot of you Americans think, we do have freedom of speech. Everyone here hates Putin, but I could walk right up to the Bundestag and proclaim: "I love Vladimir Putin!" And I wouldn't even be arrested!
The American replies:
>Ah, yes, but in the USA we're even freer. I could walk right up to the White House and shout "I love Vladimir Putin"... and they'd let me in!
Women Love Exclamation Points!!!
... but they hate periods.
I have never understood why womwn love cats?
I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
Which Roman emperor loved planes the most?
Neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeroooo.
So I hit my coworkers with this one at work today, and they hated it. Never heard it before so not sure if someone else made it up first, but I'm sure you good peoples would know.
Life: Why do people love me and hate you?
Death: *scoffs* Have you met the millennials?
Did you know h**... loved the Grand Prix?
Yeah, he really hated other races.
Breakups are the best excuse.
Your friends want to go out to that restaurant you hate?
Just look sad and say: My girlfriend and I used to love going there...
Boom, nobody wants to go anymore. Pity works wonders.
Your boss asks you at stay late Friday night?
Look sad and say: My girlfriend and I used to do SQL database backups...
Boom, no work!
Some people love watching white bears get a**..., others hate it.
It's polar rising
A Filipino, a Chinese man, and a Japanese guy are in a bar having a drink.
When a gorgeous woman comes up to them and says, Whoever can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' in a creative sentence can have me for tonight. So the Chinese guy says I love liver and cheese. She says That's not good enough The Japanese man says I hate liver and cheese She says That's not creative Finally, the Filipino says Liver alone, cheese mine!
A husky, a pitbull, and a chihuahua are all fighting over a poodle.
Poodle says: "I'll only choose the mate who can use the words 'Liver' and 'Cheese' in one sentence..."
Husky: "Well that's easy, I love liver and I love cheese!"
Poodle: "That's not gonna work"
Pitbull: "I hate liver and I hate cheese!"
Poodle: "...No"
chihuahua: "LIVER ALONE, CHEESE MINE!"
My mate loves red wine. She hates it when people mess with it....
I thought I know I'll add some fruit and Lemonade....
But now she's sangria than ever...
I used to wonder why my history teachers loved to teach about the Roman Empire so much. I think I get it now.
They both hated vandals and goths.
Superman would have hated Elon Musk as much as Lex Luthor..
because Elon loves his Crypto.
A worker was stopped by a cop at the gates of a winery
Cop: "Sorry the winery is closed today due to an ongoing investigation. Please go home."
Worker: "What happened?"
Cop: "One of your colleagues fell into a wine tank and ended up drowning."
Worker: "Oh my God. That is terrible."
Cop: "It appears he died doing what he loved doing."
Worker: "How can you say that! Everyone hates working here!"
Cop: "Well, the CCTV footage showed him getting out of the tank five times to take a p**...."
Husband: Do you love me?
Wife: Of course i love you, light of my life.
Husband: Would you love me even if i wronged you?
Wife: I will always love you, my darling.
Husband: But would you love me if i gambled away all our savings?
Wife: i would still love you, my precious husband.
Husband: what if i cheated on you, would you still love me?
Wife: of course. I will always love you, apple of my eye.
Husband: Ok. I forgot to turn on the dishwasher last night.
Wife: I HATE YOU, YOU LAZY, SELFISH IRRESPONSIBLE m**...!!
How do you know a manic depressive girl loves you?
She hates you.
True Story: I found a note on my doorstep today.
Opening it, I was excited to see a riddle!
It read:
"What dog has legs
But cannot run.
A tail,
It cannot wag,
A mouth,
But cannot bark,
A nose,
But cannot smell?"
I love riddles. Before reading the answer, I sat down with my wife and we spent a while pondering the possible answers.
Eventually, curiosity overcame us. We turned over the note to see the answer.
It read:
"Your dog.
I'm really sorry.
I ran it over."
I hate riddles.
My girlfriend hated that I told blind jokes
Years ago I dated a girl for about 6 months. We got along super well. I met her family, and she met mine. Things were getting pretty serious between us.
The only thing that we really argued about was my blind jokes. I loved saying them and she hated them. In her defense, she had a blind brother so that's why it bothered her. One day I got a call, and found out that she got in a car accident and lost her sight.
After that she just stopped seeing me.