Love Hate Jokes
105 love hate jokes and hilarious love hate puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about love hate that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Love Hate Short Jokes
Short love hate jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The love hate humour may include short hatred jokes also.
- A strange man appeared at the door and offered me 100k, but 200k would be given to the person I hate most. Terrific I said, I would love 300k.
- My wife has told me she wants a divorce because there's another man. I hate to lose her… …but I just love him more…
- Some of my friends loved the game Battleship while the others absolutely hated it. It was…hit or miss.
- Conversation that just happened between a friend (lawyer) and I (Architect). Friend: Everybody hates lawyers, until they need one.
Me: Everybody loves architects, until they need one. - So we hated congress a few days ago for not giving us $2000 but today we love then after the riot yesterday... ...so abusive relationships do work
- My mate loves red wine. She hates it when people mess with it.... I thought I know I'll add some fruit and Lemonade....
But now she's sangria than ever... - They say if you do what you love, you'll never work a day in your life... And they're absolutely correct because the only thing I love is not working.
I hate my job.... goodnight - Arnold Schwarzenegger joined an Easter egg hunt but didn't find any eggs. His secretary asks "Does this mean you hate Easter now?" He shakes his head and responds:
"I still love Easter baby." - Superman would have hated Elon Musk as much as Lex Luthor.. because Elon loves his Crypto.
- I used to wonder why my history teachers loved to teach about the Roman Empire so much. I think I get it now. They both hated vandals and goths.
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Love Hate One Liners
Which love hate one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with love hate? I can suggest the ones about sad love and despise.
- I read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. At first I hated it, but by the end I loved it.
- What do farts and children have in common? You love your own, but hate everyone else's.
- I used to love going to dinner parties as a little girl My wife hated it though.
- It's amusing how Americans love Cardi-B ..but hate Cardi-o
- I love cooking dogs and children. But I hate using commas.
- I'm not racist I love all races Except marathons I hate running
- I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals.. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.
- I used to hate dad jokes but I've groaned to love them.
- I hate all of you April fools I love you all
- Her: Do you really hate every hugh grant movie? Me: No, I love Love Actually actually.
- What do you call a Parrot that loves maths and hates food? a polynomeal
- I love my girlfriend, but... My wife hates her!
- How do you know a manic depressive girl loves you? She hates you.
- What's the thing that moms love but kids hate? Spankings
- Why do people hate beards at the start but love them by the end? They grow on you.
Love Hate Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about love hate you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean happy sad jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make love hate pranks.
I'd hate to see you go, but I'd love to watch you leave!
The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman, and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink, when a great looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."
So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."
The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative enough."
Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone, cheese mine."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Q: There is a $100 bill sitting in the middle of a 4 way intersection, at one side there is a man hating d**..., at another side, there is Santa, at another side there is the Easter Bunny, and at the las side there is a man loving lesbian. Who gets the $100 bill?
A: The man hating d**... because all others are a figure of your imagination.
I had a love child once.
Kept sending me hate mail.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Jewish Business
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was trudging through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried towards it, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5"
The Taliban shouted, "Infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie! I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"OK, OK" said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."
Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead, and said "Your f***ing brother won't let me in without a tie!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
At Night
It is night, I'm sleeping. Gently you're moving towards me, softly touching my n**... body searching for that one special place. You've found it and you start s**... on it. You love it so much.
I hate you, mosquito.
Why would two melons in love hate their parents?
Because they cantaloupe.
=D.....=).....=|……='(
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A doctor goes to confession...
"Forgive me father for I have sinned."
The priest replies, "Tell me your sins my child."
The doctor says, "I slept with five of my patients. I know it was wrong, not mention unethical. Since it happened, I've barely been able to sleep and I have no appetite. I feel so guilty."
The priest consoles him saying, "You must learn to forgive yourself."
The man replies, "But how can I? How can I return from this sin?"
The priest says, "You're not the first doctor to sleep with a patient and you won't be last."
The man nods in consent while the priest absolves him. As they exit the confessional, the priest looks at the doctor and says, "I hate to ask, but seeing as you're a doctor, do you think that you could take a look at my t**..., it's been sore for days."
The man replies, "I'd love to father, but I'm not that type of doctor. I'm a veterinarian."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Black people love boom boxes ..
I hate to generalize, but it's their stereotype ;-)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the thin line between love and hate?
A c**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Was I your first?
John and Jenna had just finished making love and in a post c**... moment John asked Jenna,"Sweety I am feeling a bit akward asking this but was I the first guy with whom, you know".
Jenna frowned and said," Yes you are my first! GeezI I hate it when you guys ask the same question"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why didn't the gay pirate have a parrot?
Because he preferred a c**...-er-two!
This is my first original pirate-themed joke. I have more on the way. Love it? Hate it? Let me know!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Best (worst) Wine and Chocolate Jokes Thread
Can we do this? My parents have these c**... wine / chocolate jokes on knick knacks around their house...
*i joined the 12-step program for chocoholics -- now I'm never 12 steps away from chocolate*
Nyuck nyuck nyuck. Hate you!
*i love cooking with wine.. sometimes i even put it in the food!*
Please be dead.
Let's hear your best (worst) wine and Chocolate jokes!
Some days, I love being an elevator repair man...
but I hate the days when people ask me if it has "it's ups and downs."
I bought a new pair of polarizing sunglasses and was asking my friends what they thought of them.
They seemed to either love them or hate them.
Why German Loves Americans
why do Germans love Americans? because Americans are the most hated people in the world now.
Jesus loves everyone. Except manicurists.
He always hated having his nails done.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three Businessmen are on a plane
The first one turns to the other two and says "My wife and I hate these long business trips, but at least we got to have s**... 3 times last night before I had to go to the airport."
"Just 3?" Replied the 2nd man. "I made love to my girlfriend 5 times." Turning to the 3rd man he asks "And you?"
"I only made love to my wife once last night." the 3rd guy replied.
"Just once? That's it? Geez. What did your wife say in the morning?"
"Don't stop."
I'd really, really love to adopt a kid some day.
Abort*
Sorry, I hate auto correct.
I flew the love of my life to the mountains this weekend. I rode her for hours. I had never rode her so hard! In fact I was so tired I decided to stay the night and ended up riding her some more in the morning. I don't think I have ever had such an amazing time.
My GF hates when I talk about my bike trips with her parents.
Offensive jokes are like clowns...
Some people love them and laugh at them. Some people hate them. And some just take them way too seriously.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It must be very confusing to have s**... with William Shatner. You never know if he loves it or hates it.
No, don't, stop.
I think these protesters are sending the wrong message...
because they keep telling me to Love Trump's Hate.
Love him or hate him at least President Trump is raising awareness of one of the greatest challenges facing America.....
....Mental Health. 'Cause either that dude is crazy or I am and my best guess is before all this is said and done we're all going to need a little therapy.
I have this love hate relationship with my ex-girlfriend.
I love her, she hates me.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There are three things that I absolutely hated when I was 5 that I love now that I'm an adult.
Green vegetables, reading and rough s**....
Everyone seems to love the new pound coin...
Personally I hate change.
Love,
Dad
I hate people with a split personality!
It's like they can have two different emotions for the same thing!
And that is why I love people with split personalities.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
During s**..., I like to tell my girl how much I love her.
She hates it when I do that because it wakes her up.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If you love white rice, and hate brown rice..
You're a ricist.
What do you call someone who hates their own race, but loves others?
A spectator.
Why do christians hate vegans?
Because vegans love seitan
The beard or me. You must choose.
A guy decides to grow a beard and his girlfriend hates it. She finally tells him: it's time to choose me or the beard.
He says: "What? Choose between the love of my life and a source of irritation that needs constant attention and tending? That's an easy decision....The hard question is who gets the apartment?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
given the context, "hard at work" is something your boss would either really love or really hate for you to be
because erections
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What does the s**...-bomber monk, who hates janitors but loves puns, do, before blowing himself up?
He looks at the closest custodian and says
"PEACE IS EVERYWHERE!"
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"I love the North Pole and hate the South Pole!! No, hold on, I love the South Pole and hate the North Pole!!"
A bi-polar bear...
Diet Downer
I'm not vegetarian because I love animals. I'm vegetarian because I hate vegetables.
I know my dentist loves golf, but I still hate his approach with that dental drill...
"GET IN THE HOLE!!!"
What does the Mexicans think of Trump's wall?
Some love it, some hate it. Most think its borderline offensive.
My friend once moved to Greece just for the yogurt...
...turns out he loved the weather, but hated the culture.
What poem do guys love, but their girlfriends hate?
Ode to the Fortnite-ingale
Little known fact about polar bears:
They love the cold. Maybe that's widely known. On the other hand, Bipolar bears sometimes love it, sometimes hate it.
My Mom Tried To Force Feed Me Alphabet Soup, Saying I Loved It
I Hate It When People Put Words In My Mouth
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Everyone loves to do it but hates when others do it.
f**....
An American and a German are discussing freedom of speech.
The German says:
>Here in Germany, contrary to what a lot of you Americans think, we do have freedom of speech. Everyone here hates Putin, but I could walk right up to the Bundestag and proclaim: "I love Vladimir Putin!" And I wouldn't even be arrested!
The American replies:
>Ah, yes, but in the USA we're even freer. I could walk right up to the White House and shout "I love Vladimir Putin"... and they'd let me in!
Women Love Exclamation Points!!!
... but they hate periods.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why Klu Klux k**... members are loved in the wizarding world?
Because everybody hates black magic practitioners.
(Yep I saw the joke and modified it for a darker turn.)
Which Roman emperor loved planes the most?
Neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeroooo.
So I hit my coworkers with this one at work today, and they hated it. Never heard it before so not sure if someone else made it up first, but I'm sure you good peoples would know.
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Life: Why do people love me and hate you?
Death: *scoffs* Have you met the millennials?
Social justice warriors love Captain Marvel because she's a powerful woman...
...but hate her because she's Binary.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Did you know h**... loved the Grand Prix?
Yeah, he really hated other races.
Breakups are the best excuse.
Your friends want to go out to that restaurant you hate?
Just look sad and say: My girlfriend and I used to love going there...
Boom, nobody wants to go anymore. Pity works wonders.
Your boss asks you at stay late Friday night?
Look sad and say: My girlfriend and I used to do SQL database backups...
Boom, no work!
They say judge a father's love by what he leaves his children
My deceased father must have hated me 'cause he didn't leave me a penny. It should have been obvious to me though.
His will is a dead giveaway.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Some people love watching white bears get a**..., others hate it.
It's polar rising
A Filipino, a Chinese man, and a Japanese guy are in a bar having a drink.
When a gorgeous woman comes up to them and says, Whoever can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' in a creative sentence can have me for tonight. So the Chinese guy says I love liver and cheese. She says That's not good enough The Japanese man says I hate liver and cheese She says That's not creative Finally, the Filipino says Liver alone, cheese mine!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
You might be a lesbian if
You hate cooking but you love eating out.
A husky, a pitbull, and a chihuahua are all fighting over a poodle.
Poodle says: "I'll only choose the mate who can use the words 'Liver' and 'Cheese' in one sentence..."
Husky: "Well that's easy, I love liver and I love cheese!"
Poodle: "That's not gonna work"
Pitbull: "I hate liver and I hate cheese!"
Poodle: "...No"
chihuahua: "LIVER ALONE, CHEESE MINE!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A worker was stopped by a cop at the gates of a winery
Cop: "Sorry the winery is closed today due to an ongoing investigation. Please go home."
Worker: "What happened?"
Cop: "One of your colleagues fell into a wine tank and ended up drowning."
Worker: "Oh my God. That is terrible."
Cop: "It appears he died doing what he loved doing."
Worker: "How can you say that! Everyone hates working here!"
Cop: "Well, the CCTV footage showed him getting out of the tank five times to take a p**...."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Husband: Do you love me?
Wife: Of course i love you, light of my life.
Husband: Would you love me even if i wronged you?
Wife: I will always love you, my darling.
Husband: But would you love me if i gambled away all our savings?
Wife: i would still love you, my precious husband.
Husband: what if i cheated on you, would you still love me?
Wife: of course. I will always love you, apple of my eye.
Husband: Ok. I forgot to turn on the dishwasher last night.
Wife: I HATE YOU, YOU LAZY, SELFISH IRRESPONSIBLE m**...!!