Loudly Jokes
134 loudly jokes and hilarious loudly puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about loudly that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Loudly Short Jokes
Short loudly jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The loudly humour may include short vehemently jokes also.
- Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I'm going for a jog, and then I don't. It's my longest running joke of the year.
- A plane carrying Donald Trump made an emergency landing in New Orleans after alleged engine failure over the Gulf of Mexico. Turns out there was just a loud whine coming from the right wing.
- I told my new girlfriend that my mother is deaf... So she would have to speak loudly and slowly.
I told my mother that my new girl friend is disabled. Now we wait. - Did you know: If you say a number loud enough, you increase its value? For example: 5 equals 5, but
5! equals 120. - A joke my 4 year old came up with today... Him: "What's the only mammal that can breathe under water?"
Me: "I dunno, what?"
Him (loudly): "An elephant sticking his trunk up!" - I went to a restaurant. It was full; no place to sit...
I took out my mobile,
Placed it to my ear and said loudly- "Bro come fast, she's here with someone else...
Six couples ran away - A boy is loudly praying, "God please give me a bicycle." His mom asks, "why are you praying so loudly? God isn't hard of hearing."
The boy replies, "yes but grandma is." - My wife asked me why I always have to sneeze so loudly. I told her, it's not that I HAVE to….
Achoos to - I divorced my wife because she was too loud in bed. I could hear her from two houses down the street.
- I hate it when people talk and eat loud in the cinema. Like shutup, I'm trying to film a movie here!
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Loudly One Liners
Which loudly one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with loudly? I can suggest the ones about furiously and loud noise.
- Apparently I snore so loudly that I scare everyone in the car I'm driving.
- What lives in the ocean and IS REALLY LOUD AND ANNOYING. A yellyfish.
- Do people in Hawaii laugh out loud? Or do they just give out a low ha ?
- What do guns and feminists have in common? They are very loud when triggered.
- what do you call a fake fish? a de"koi"
>!(if you don't get it, say it out loud)!< - My parents told me not to listen to my iPod too loud... It was sound advice.
- Saw a guy who wears a turban and who was coughing loudly I think he was Sikh
- Why is Nicolas Cage's radio so loud? He doesn't know how to turn things down
- I'm annoyed with my loud obnoxious neighbour. Now I know how Canada feels.
- Similarity between a feminist and a gun? They are both loud when triggered.
- If I were to invade Djibouti... Do you think Greece would help? [read out loud]
- Did you know, that if you shout 0 loud enough it becomes 1? See: 0!
- What's fast, loud and crunchy ? A rocket chip
- I don't know who needs to hear this but I'm not going to read it out loud
- I won a math debate. Say it out loud. ^
Comical Loudly Jokes to Spread Joy and Laughter
What funny jokes about loudly you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean wildly jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make loudly pranks.
An indian and a white man are walking through the woods...
and the white man is trying to learn how to hunt game from the indian. So the indian is moving quickly and quietly through the dense forest and the white man is fumbling loudly behind him. Suddenly, the indian stops short and presses his cheek up against a large tree. He then exclaims,
*"Moose come."*
The white man is baffled by how the indian discovered this and says, *"How do you know that?"*
Indian: *"Cheek sticky."*
The Parrot and the Priest
Once there was a priest who owned a Parrot. The priest was about to order gravel for his new driveway and complained loudly about how he didn't have time to order the 15 truckloads that he needed. He left for the church and forgot to lock the parrots cage and the parrot who wanted to help and impress his owner decided to call the gravel company and ordered 50 truckloads of gravel. Later the same week the priest gets home and his driveway is completely covered with gravel so he storms in and asks the parrot "Did you order 50 truckloads of gravel?" the parrot being the wise parrot that he was realized he was in trouble and denied it.
The priest brought in a hammer and some nails, nailed one of the parrots wings to the wall and asked again if he ordered gravel. The parrot continues to deny the charges and soon enough he is entirely nailed to the wall. The priest leaves furiously to try and fix the mess. The parrot looks to his right and sees Jesus hanging there on his own cross and says "Did you also order gravel?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Burglar
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is watching you!"
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.
"Jesus is watching you," went the voice loudly again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
He asked the parrot, "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes," said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot, "What's your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a s**... name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot would name a parrot Clarence?"
The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There was once a man who woke up every morning and f**... really loudly...
Every day he would wake up, release the pressure, and his wife would say in disgust "one of these days, you're going to f**... your guts out". So one Thanksgiving, the wife got up early to start fixing the feast for the day. As she was removing the giblets from the turkey, she had an idea. Sneaking back up to the bedroom, she carefully lifted the back of her husbands pajamas and placed the giblets into his pants, then snuck back downstairs and continued her work. After a while, she heard her husbands alarm go off and, just as every morning, the eruptive release of high pressure gasses. She giggled to herself and her small prank, and waited for him to come down stairs. Five minutes went by, and there was no sign of him, but she kept preparing the meal. Ten minutes...Fifteen...and now she was a little worried so she went up to check on him. She noticed the bathroom light was on, so she knocked on the door and asked "honey are you ok?" He came out and sheepishly replied "Well, it finally happened. I f**... my guts out. But by the grace of god, and these two fingers, I was able to get them back in."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Jimmy and Joey (never seen this here so sorry if repost)
One day Jimmy and Joey were walking through their neighborhood looking for something to do.
Jimmy then shouted, " JOEY LOOK A n**... LADY"
Joey looked and sure enough there was a woman sunbathing by her pool n**....
Joey then screamed very loudly and ran away in a panic.
Jimmy was very puzzled at why Joey ran, so he chased down Joey to see what happened.
He catches Joey and asks him, "Why are you running away? We finally got to see a n**... lady."
Joey responded, "My mamma always told me that if I ever saw a person n**... I would turn to stone, and back there I felt something get hard.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An American walks into an Irish pub...
He slams some money on the counter and loudly announces "These 100 Pounds go to the man who can drain ten pints of guinness without pausing!" He then orders the bartender to line up ten pints, and asks "Anyone who thinks he can do it?"
After a moment, p**... gets up and says "I'll have a go at it, but before that, can I go outside for a few minutes?" "Sure, why not" comes the answer.
So p**... walks out and, after a little while, comes back in. "Okay, I'm ready" he says, picks up one pint after another and drains all of the glasses. The American is very impressed, but as he hands out the money, he has to ask: "Say, where did you go just before you won my little bet here?"
"Ah, just went to Reilly's pub next door to see if I could do it!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A farmer and his wife have been married many years.
The farmer has a talent for f**... very loudly. Everytime he does so his wife says "one of these days your gonna f**... your guts out." This goes on for years until after one Thanksgiving diner the wife decides to play a trick on her husband. She takes the insides she had cleaned out of the turkey, prior to cooking it, and sneaks upstairs while he is asleep from the big meal. She puts them inside his underwear knowing he's gonna f**... right after he wakes up and goes back downstairs to be with the family. After a while the family hears a scream from the bedroom and rushes to see what's going on. The farmer says to the family "well it finally happened; I f**... my guts out." The wife trying not to laugh asks "well what did you do?" The farmer puts his fingers together and says "by the grace of God and with these two fingers... I shoved them back up in there."
There was a horse who was a genius at arithmetic...
...which it learned with no difficulty. Algebra was a breeze, and it could even prove theorems in Euclidean geometry. However, when someone tried to teach it analytic geometry, it would rear back on its hind legs, kick ferociously, neigh loudly, and make violent head motions in resistance.
The moral of this story is that you can't put Descartes before the horse.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
s**... advice from Janet Reno
Hillary Clinton is having lunch with Janet Reno at Chipotle one day. She complains to Janet that Bill is just insatiable in bed, and sometimes wishes she had a way to deflect him.
Janet tells Hillary that whenever a she needs to fend off amorous advances, she farts as loudly as she can, and that tends to do the trick.
Hillary thinks this is a great idea and decides to try it.
That night, Hillary is lying in bed with her back to Bill's side. Bill saunters in at full mast, and just as he is lifting the covers, Hillary releases the black bean fury she had been saving since lunch. Bill, aghast exclaims "Janet?! Is that you?!"
Every hotel room was taken.
By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere." he pleaded. "Or just a bed--I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope. I shut him up in no time?"
"How'd you manage that?"
"He was already in bed, snoring away. when I came in the room," John said. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A great Polish joke
Guy goes into a bar, and a couple drinks in loudly announces to the bartender, "OK I'm going to tell you a great Polish joke!"
The bartender leans in and whispers, "watch it buddy, I happen to be polish, and while I got a sense of humor, about half the people in here are polish. you see that 6'6" 300 lb bouncer? He's polish too and he don't got a sense of humor!"
"OK," the jokster responds. "I'll tell it slowly!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So I wrote some Chuck Norris jokes the other day...
The devil once sold his soul to Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't speak, he thinks loudly.
New Orleans didn't flood because of a hurricane. Chuck Norris did a canon ball into the Gulf of Mexico.
Chuck Norris once punched the Tower of Pisa.
Chuck Norris doesn't f**..., because nothing can escape Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris goes skydiving, the Earth uses a parachute.
When Chuck Norris takes a shower, the soap doesn't clean him. He cleans the soap.
Netflix marathons Chuck Norris.
If Chuck Norris stared at the sun too long, he wouldn't go blind. The sun would.
If Chuck Norris bit a vampire, the vampire would turn back into a human.
How many Unidans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Six: one to screw it in and five to cheer him on loudly while standing in front of other people's bulbs so no one can see them.
At the office during lunch, Susan from sales stands up and yells, "53!".
All her other coworkers in the canteen laugh hysterically. A moment later Bob from accounting stands up and says, "41!". All in the canteen laugh even more loudly. A new hire in the canteen asks his coworker to his left, Joe from marketing, what was going on. Joe's answer: "We have hundreds of jokes circulating throughout the office, and each one is assigned a different number. Most of the jokes are very long, so to save time, instead of telling the entire joke, we just announce the number of the joke instead." At this moment Derek from the IT department, in the back of the canteen, stands up and squeaks in a rather uninspired way, "12!" No one laughs. Joe from marketing explains to the new hire, "some people just can't tell a good joke."
a magician has a show on a cruiseboat..
So this magician has gotten himself a gig at a cruiseship.
When the ship is out on the open sea the show starts featuring himself and his parrot.
He is performing his first trick a TADAAA a whole deck of cards flips out thin air. the parrot shrieks loudly "those cards were in his left jacketsleeve, they were in his left jacketsleeve!"
Ok well, time for trick #2, the magician pulls a whole bouquet of flowers out of his hat and the parrot start shrieking "those flowers were in his pockets, those flowers were in his pockets!"
The magician reacts a bit annoyed by the parrot spoiling all his tricks, but he doesn't have alot of time to be angry, because the ship capsizes, drowns, and everyone on board is dead.
Except the magician and his parrot. They are floating on a piece of wreckage and just sort of look awkwardly at each other untill finally the parrot says "Ok fine, I give up, where is that boat?"
A toenail walks into a bar...
The toenail orders 3 double whiskeys, drinks them quickly and soon after starts singing loudly. As you can guess toenails are terrible singers, so the bartender gets annoyed and orders the bouncer to throw the drunk, singing toenail out and then, with his hands on his head, the bartender yells "That was just atonal!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Funny things to say after loudly f**... in a public toilet
I'll start with a couple I've heard:
"Systems check cleared - ready for drop..."
"Whups, I'm sorry, I need to get that fixed..."
So I was listening to classical music really loudly the other day when suddenly...
My speakers Baroque.
A couple is driving up to the mountains...
.. and they are in a huge fight. The man and woman are arguing loudly for so long they are tired out. The woman then feels that she should get the last word in, and so as they pass a pasture of cows she turns to her husband and asks "Relatives of yours?" The man replies "Yes, in-laws."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Drunk man was sitting in restaurant.
While eating he farts very loudly in a restaurant.
The man on the next table gets very angry and says, "Excuse me, you have no decency. You f**... before my wife."
Drunk Man: "Sorry, I did not know it was her turn."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy gets shipwrecked onto an island with a dog and a pig
So a guy gets shipwrecked onto an island with a dog and a pig. After years, he gets s**... urges and his mind visualizes the pig as a super hot woman. Everytime he tries to get the pig alone and put his arm around it, the dog starts barking loudly and scaring the pig to run away. One day a super beautiful lady gets washed ashore. He nurses her back to health and takes care of her. One day he's sitting right next to her staring at the beautiful sunset then leans into her ear and whispers " hey, can you go take the dog for a walk".
Every Hotel Room Was Taken
By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere." he pleaded. "Or just a bed--I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope. I shut him up in no time?"
"How'd you manage that?"
"He was already in bed, snoring away. when I came in the room," John said. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An American girl goes on vacation to Berlin
While walking through town one night, she sees a drunk guy openly taking a leak up against a wall.
Disgusted, she loudly proclaims, "g**...!"
The man turns with a proud smile on his face and says, "Danke!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the best part about having a deaf child?
You can have s**... as loudly as you want.
A blonde is walking along the shoreline of a lake in Minnesota looking for seashells when she spots another blonde across the lake from her. Eager for company she shouts loudly "How do I get to the other side?"
The other blonde shouts back "You're on the other side!"
At the movies.
A man takes his seat at the movies. Popcorn in one hand, he is just getting settle when he notices behind him a duck.
He loudly exclaims "there is a duck here!".
The duck replies "so".
"You are a duck, why are you watching this movie?".
"Well, I liked the book".
A coworker asked me if I would please quit loudly singing along with my Oasis mix tape this morning.
I said maybe...
People who cough loudly don't go to the doctor...
They go to the cinemas.
My 98 year old grandpa is reading the newspaper and talking loudly to himself or whomever listens:
Grandpa: I beat you, you, you and you!
Me: Have you been taking up sports lately?
Grandpa: No, I am reading the death announcements.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A pretty lady with bad gas farts in an Apple store...
She looks around and loudly proclaims "HA! Bet you wish you had Windows now!"
A new doctor came out of the operating room...
... Knelt down, raised his arms, looked heaven wards and said loudly:
"O Mother Goddess! please accept my first sacrificial offering"
How do you sell a sheep to a deaf person?
(yells loudly) DO YOU WANNA A BUY A SHEEP!!!!!!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy asks a cute brunette with glasses at the library if he could sit with her
The sweet looking student responded loudly, "I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE s**... WITH YOU."
All the other students at the library stare at the guy. Some of the other women even make n**... faces at the guy. His face turned red in embarrassment.
After about an hour, the girl walks up to the guy and says, "I'm a psych major, and I know what you were thinking. And, you felt embarrassed, didn't you."
The guy, in a loud brash voice replies, "$200 FOR ONE NIGHT WITH YOU? THAT'S JUST TOO MUCH."
All the students stare at the girl in shock. The guy whispers to her, "I study Law, and I know how to make someone feel guilty."
Some ladies were sitting in a park..
Some ladies were sitting in a park every day. One man was observing them daily as they were talking and laughing loudly.
One day he observed everybody was silent. There must be some serious issue or incident that happened.So he went to a Lady and asked, "Why everybody is silent today?"
The lady replied, "All Are Present Today."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Quick Joke # 2
After wife's delivery, Husband asks the nurse: How soon do you think, we will be able to have s**... ..???
Nurse: Ok, Ok, Meet me after 20 minutes. And don't talk so loudly..!!
We must follow our policy. . .
I was at the airport the other day to pick someone up but their flight was delayed so I wandered around a bit. I noticed a big scene at one of the airline check ins. there was this agitated vulture holding a couple of dead possums arguing loudly with a whole group of ticket agents. I kinda felt bad for the guy but the airline did have a one carrion policy.
Me and my friends loudly quote Zootopia to the point that it annoys people.
Don't expect us to apologize for it.
Awesome Reporting of the Accident
A car was involved in an accident. As expected a large crowd gathered. A newspaper reporter, anxious to get his story, could not get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim. The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
My girlfriend snores very loudly
Guess she knows how to sleep soundly
When you pass gas loudly in a crowded room, everyone should applaud...
That takes some guts.
Did you hear about the builder who could clap very loudly?
They always got him to raise the roof.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
-Hey, does your wife moan when having s**...?
-Quite loudly actually, I can hear her from the living room!
I like my women like I like my tigers
Red hair, out of control, coming quickly and loudly
The Queen and Prince Charles
The Queen and Prince Charles are enjoying a cup of tea when there's suddenly a knock on the door. The Queen goes to open it and it's the Death standing on the other side.
So the Queen shouts loudly: "Hey Charles, it's for you."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was at a f**... the other day and a couple in front of me were loudly arguing about which herb goes best with which fish…
I could only think it wasn't the Thyme or Plaice…
A man drunkenly walks into his wife's room...
He loudly proclaims, "I have no idea how I could live without you!"
Flustered, the wife asks, "Is that you talking or the whiskey talking?"
"It's me talking to the whiskey."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A couple was on their honeymoon
They decided to go for a ride on a stage coach. So they took a horse and a stage coach and went for a ride along the coast.
Suddenly the horse trips and almost falls down, shaking the stage coach, but keeps going. The man says loudly "one!"
After a couple hundred meters the horse trips again, and the man says "two!"
After another couple hundred meters the horse trips again. The man says "three!", takes a p**... and a shoots down the horse.
His wife, in chock, starts screaming "oh my god! What have you done?! Why have you killed the horse?! You're a monster! I should never have married you!"
To which the man replies "one!".
Two men are arguing loudly. A robot approaches and says "May I be of assistance?"
One man turns to it and says *back off pal, this is an organic matter!"
A boy goes to sit beside a girl in library.
A boy looks around in library to find a girl sitting alone. He goes to her and says, "Can I sit beside you?"
She replies loudly, "I DON'T WANT TO SLEEP WITH YOU!"
Everyone in the library looks at the boy in shock. He slows moves to another table quite embarrassed.
A few minutes later, the girl comes to sit beside the boy and says, "I am a psychology student. I know how to make you feel embarrassed."
To which the boy replies even louder, "1000$ FOR ONE NIGHT?! THAT'S TOO MUCH!"
Everyone in the library looks at the girl, even more shocked.
The boy leans towards the girl and says, "I'm a law student. I know how to make you feel guilty."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Whenever I'm over at a friends house I pee directly into the water
But don't worry, I f**... loudly to mask up the sound
George Lucas has loudly proclaimed that he is coming out of retirement to do an all CGI remake of a classic Cary Grant movie
Tentative title: Gungan Din
a guy picking up his kids at school sees another kid and says loudly "god, what an ugly kid!"
The person standing next to him says "he's my son..."
The guy, pretty embarassed, replies "oh man, I'm sorry, I didn't know you were his father"
"I'm his mom..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A beautiful blonde strode angrily into the large store,
A beautiful blonde strode angrily into the large store and slapped a package on the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction.
The clerk asked, "What's the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?"
The woman's eyes got very large, and she whispered, "Do you mean to tell me that p**... Treats' are meant for 'cats'?"
My favorite restaurant
I went to my favorite restaurant on valentines day and it was full. There was no place to sit and the wait was over an hour.
I took out my phone, placed it to my ear, and said loudly, "Hey, get over here! She's here with someone else!"
Three couples got up and quickly left.
Two Labradors were sitting in a Bar , drinking beer
The first Labrador whispers to the other " I went to bed with your mother , last night "
The second Labrador ignored it and carried on drinking beer.
The first Labrador shouts this time " did you hear me ? I went to bed with your mom , last night ? "
The other Labrador shook his head, sighed loudly and said " Go home Dad , you're drunk "
How to freak her out
I love walking up to women I barely know, hug them and sniff loudly followed by me saying, "You smell so much better when you are awake."
A man bring his art to an art dealer tying to sell it
A man bring his art to an art dealer tying to sell it
The dealer offers him a 20 for it.
The artist objects loudly: "But the canvas cost me more than that!"
"Sure, but it wasn't painted on then."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Most of the time
Most of the time, when you cry, no one notices your tears.
Most of the time, when you hurt, no one notices your pain.
Most of the time, you hold it in, and no one feels the ache.
Most of the time.
Until you f**... loudly in public.
A guy walks into a doctors office and says
'You've gotta help me doc. I snore so loudly that I keep waking myself up, what can I do?'
'Oh that's easy' replies the doctor, 'just sleep in another room'
Courtesy of my 6 year old.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I never knew my mechanic was a psychic
until he loudly announced that I had blown a t**... in my car.
Why can't you behave loudly in the laundry?
Because the washing powder is concentrated
Hogwarts' Spells
Two kids are fighting in Hogwarts, Dumbledore comes to seperate them and says loudly «You guys are Ex-spelled»
My neighbors called the cops on me for playing "Back in Black" too loudly (by AC/DC).
The cops arrested my neighbors.
At an awards function I asked a guest to give a shoutout to my magazine on its 10th anniversary.
He looked at the camera, shouted out my magazine's name really loudly & walked away.
What happens if you listen to metal too loudly?
You become Megadeaf
Tom Brady and Chad Johnson were out downtown late at night.
Chad told Tom to go buy some gum for them, then gave Tom a quarter. After around 10 minutes Chad notices Tom hasn't come back yet, so he goes to look for him. After 5 minutes of looking Chad sees Tom being drug across the street, and in the mans left hand he holds the quarter that Chad gave Tom. Chad yells loudly, "HEY MAN GIMME MY QUARTER BACK!"
Who do you believe? (Not OC)
A neighbour came to the gate of Mulla Nasreddin's yard. The Mulla went to meet him outside."Would you mind, Mulla," the neighbour asked, "can you lend me your donkey today? I have some goods to transport to the next town."The Mulla didn't feel inclined to lend out the animal to that particular man, however. So, not to seem rude, he answered:"I'm sorry, but I've already lent him to somebody else."All of a sudden the donkey could be heard braying loudly behind the wall of the yard."But Mulla," the neighbour exclaimed. "I can hear it behind that wall!""Whom do you believe," the Mulla replied indignantly, "the donkey or your Mulla?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Today in math class I had to f**.... I thought if I dropped my book and f**... at the same time, no one would hear it.
I dropped my book and everyone looked at me. Then I f**.... Loudly.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A biker gang comes into a transport cafe
and start picking on a little middle-aged man just sitting down to an all-day breakfast. They steal most of it, spit in his tea, and pull away his chair from under him, until eventually he gives up and walks out silently.
They laugh loudly and say to the waitress "He wasn't much of a man, was he?"
"No," she says, "and he's not much of a truck driver either -- he's just backed an eighteen-wheeler over a whole line of motorbikes."
As get older, I've developed an embarrassing habit of screaming loudly during a proctology exam.
It makes my patients extremely uncomfortable.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
In the middle of the night...
...a frustrated wife starts singing the national anthem loudly. What are you doing, darling? inquires the husband. Well, I was giving it one last shot, honey, replied the wife, the whole nation stands e**... when this song is heard.
I got a new cat yesterday and have decided to name it Brexit
He always meows loudly to be let out but when I open the door, he refuses to go through it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A story about kinks and b**...
I started dating this girl with a really weird f**... -- she's got a very nice pair of k**..., and she loves having it smacked loudly. She really gets off from the pain and from the really loud POP sound that the slap of skin-on-skin can make. Recently, she's been getting more k**... about it, and she's escalated to asking me to hit her rack with more and more painful objects. It started with a ruler, then the flat of a large bread knife. The past few weeks, she's been asking me to use a pair of sharp scissors, but I lost them last night and I've been looking for them all day.
I apologized, but she's really upset that I lost her rack popper scissors.
An engineer, an architect and a mathematician are trapped in a cave with nothing but a can of food each and they want to get the cans open so that they can eat.
The engineer finds a rock and taps it against the weak spot of the can. The architect throws the can against the wall in a way that doesn't collapse the cave. The mathematician then announces loudly to the other two, Let my can be open, how do we close it?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Twelve monks were about to be ordained
Twelve monks were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up n**..., in a garden while a n**... model danced before them. Each monk had a small bell attached to his privates, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of purity. The model danced before the first monk candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response, until she got to the final monk. As she danced, his bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to the ground. Embarrassed, he bent down to pick up the bell, and all the other bells went off.
