He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth...in and out...in and out.
It was going on 20 minutes at this point...
Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted:
*"OK, OK! I can't park the damn car! You do it, you smug bastard!"*
He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth...in and out...in and out.
It was going on 20 minutes at this point...
Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder. Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted:
*"OK, OK! I can't park the damn car! You do it, you smug bastard!"*
...as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth...in and out...in and out.
It was going on 20 minutes at this point...
Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted:
"OK, OK! I can't park the damn car! You do it, you smug bastard!"
The mathematician turns to the physicist sitting next to him and says "You know, physics is just applied mathematics!"
They all have a good laugh, at which point the philosopher interjects from across the table. "And mathematics is just applied philosophy!"
The laughter roars even louder, and then the physicist turns to the philosopher.
"Shut the fuck up and make my coffee."
#**A MOUSE**
The man then noticed a ladder leaning up against the building to his right. Again, he heard the voice: "Climb the ladder to success." The man shrugged and began to climb. The voice kept repeating itself and grew louder as the man approached the top. "Climb the ladder to success." Finally, the man reached the top of the building, where he found a fully naked man. "Hi, I'm Sess."
I discovered that at my daughter's school concert.
Because actions speak louder than words
...with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth...in and out...in and out.
It was going on 20 minutes at this point...
Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted:
"OK, OK! I can't park the damn car! You do it, you smug bastard!"
Man yells, 'No don't do it!'
Man yells louder, 'Don't do it, you idiot!'
Wife asks, 'What are you watching?'
Man says 'Our wedding tape.'
He confides to him: "I haven't fucked my wife all month, the doctors discovered that she is carrying a strange virus that can leave me deaf if I have any sort of sexual intercourse with her".
The friend replies: "Talk louder man, I cannot hear you at all".
as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, then forwards, then backwards again. Back and
forth, in and out, back and forth...
Her heart was pounding, her face was flushed. Then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder. Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,
"Okay, Okay! I can't park the bloody car! You do it, you smug bastard!"
Two guys are riding bicycles down the street.
One of the bikes fenders was loose and was making a loud noise.
So the first guy said to the second guy
"Hey your fender is too loud"
The second guy says "what?"
The first guy speaks louder
"your fender is too loud"
The second guy replies "what?"
The first guy yells
"YOUR FENDER IS TOO LOUD"
The second guy yells back
"I CANT HEAR YOU MY FENDER IS TOO LOUD!"
A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.
After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it.
The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.
Then he decided to look through the window.
He shouted, "Do you think I'm stupid? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door."
I said, "You're not coming in mate!"
He said, "I don't want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car."
He stand's up and says:
-hip, hip
And then everyone on the wedding party said with their glasses raised:
-HURRAY
The stutterer, tried again, but louder
-HIP!! HIP!!
Everyone raised their glasses again and shouted out of their lungs!
-HUURRAAAAY!!!!!
The stutterer, again, yelled with both arms raised!!
-HIIPPPP !! HIPPP!!!
Everyone on the party became one, all the happiness expressed with one single shout!
-HURRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!
But then, everyone was killed by a herd of ~~hippopotamus~~ Hippopotamuses
An old man is sitting on a park bench, crying loudly. A young guy walks by, sees him, and says "Hey buddy, what's wrong?"
The old guy replies, "I'm married to a smoking 18 year old hot nympho! *(sobs)* She fucks me in the morning, she fucks me during the day, she fucks me at night,*(sobs louder)* it's non-stop sex, sex, sex *(sobs uncontrollably)*!
Young guy says, "Geez, old man, that's awesome, why are you crying?"
"I forget where I live!!"
A man's car breaks down in the middle of the night. He knows the area well and realizes that the quickest way to the nearest service station is through an old graveyard.
He's walking along the headstones when in the distance he hears a faint tapping noise. As he gets deeper into the graveyard, the eerie tapping gets louder and louder. He very anxiously turns a corner and sees the source of the tapping is an old man with a hammer and chisel, hunched over a headstone.
Relief washes over him and he says, "I was beginning to freak out because of that noise. I thought this place might have been haunted. What on earth are you doing here so late at night anyway?"
The old man merely continues chiseling and says "They spelled my name wrong."
It sounded like someone was using a eraser. He walks towards a grave and it gets louder. So he digs up the casket and sees Mozart Erasing all of his music,and the man says "Mozart what are you doing!" Then Mozart says "I'm decomposing"
and start getting busy. They proceed throughout the night getting louder and louder, wilder and wilder, until they're getting complaints from management threatening to kick them out, people banging on the walls, and over all anger from everyone nearby. Each time, right before they go to the next position, she gets up, goes to the bathroom, and washes her hands. The next morning rolls around, and they're in bed, and he says to her "I bet I can guess what kind of doctor you are." to which she replies "Really? Go ahead and try". He says "You're a surgeon, because every time you go to do something new, you wash your hands". She tells him he's right, and says "Let me try to guess what you are". She's silent for a minute, and says "You're an anesthesiologist". He tells her he isn't and asks why she would think that, to which she replies "At first I felt a small prick, and then I didn't feel another thing."
A boy comes home from school. He hears a thud-thud-thud sound coming from upstairs. He goes to investigate and notices the sound is getting louder.
Thud-thud-thud, it's getting louder and faster. It's coming from his parents room! The boy flings the door open and sees his mom on all fours and his dad behind her. The dad sees the boy in the doorway and shoots his son a thumbs up. The boy slams the door shut and runs downstairs.
The next day the dad comes home from work. He here's a strange sound coming from upstairs. As the dad goes upstairs he here's thud-thud-thud coming from his sons room. The dad flings open the door to his sons room and sees grandma on all fours and his son behind her!
The boy looks at his dad and says, "not so cool when it's your mom is it?"
...with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth...in and out...in and out.
It was going on 20 minutes at this point...
Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder. Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted:
"OK, OK! I can't park the damn car! You do it, you smug bastard!"
A boy looks around in library to find a girl sitting alone. He goes to her and says, "Can I sit beside you?"
She replies loudly, "I DON'T WANT TO SLEEP WITH YOU!"
Everyone in the library looks at the boy in shock. He slows moves to another table quite embarrassed.
A few minutes later, the girl comes to sit beside the boy and says, "I am a psychology student. I know how to make you feel embarrassed."
To which the boy replies even louder, "1000$ FOR ONE NIGHT?! THAT'S TOO MUCH!"
Everyone in the library looks at the girl, even more shocked.
The boy leans towards the girl and says, "I'm a law student. I know how to make you feel guilty."
Because actions speak louder than words.
Once upon a time there was a female brain cell that by mistake happened to end up in a man's head.
She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.
"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.
"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and again she yelled:
"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE!!?"
Then she heard a voice from far, far away:
"Hello! We're down here..."
She says I'm crying because in all my life I've never been kissed. So the man leans down to give her a kiss and then stands back up and begins to walk on his way. Then she starts crying even louder. So he turns around and asks her, why are you crying now? She says, I'm crying because in all my life I've never been fucked. So he picks her up and throws her in the ocean and yells "you're fucked now!"
The phone rang 'green green' and so I pink up the phone.
"Yellow? Blue is this? Can you speak louder? I can't hear you purplerly, I'll call you black later."
and bumps into an old friend. She is surprised to see that he has a hot dog sticking out of his ear.
She says, "Dude, you have a hot dog sticking out of your ear!!"
He frowns and asks, "What?"
She repeats herself a little louder, "Dude, you have a hot dog sticking out of your ear!!"
He looks confused and asks, "WHAT?"
She yells, "DUDE! YOU HAVE A *HOT DOG* STICKING OUT OF YOUR *EAR*!"
He smiles apologetically and says, "Sorry, I can't hear you. I have a hot dog in my ear."
One day two blondes and a brunette got stuck in an elevator.
One blonde starts to yell, Help!!!
Then the other one, Help!!!
The brunette suggests, Come on girls, let's scream together, it will be louder.
OK, agree the blondes, Together!!! Together!!!
Father Murphy was playing golf with a parishioner. On the 1st hole, he sliced into the rough. His opponent heard him mutter, Hoover! under his breath.
On the 2nd hole, Father Murphy's ball went straight into a water hazard. Hoover! again, a little louder this time.
On the 3rd hole, a miracle occurred, and Father Murphy's drive landed on the green only six inches from the hole! Praise be to God!
He carefully lined up the putt, but the ball curved around the hole instead of going in. Hoover!
By this time, his opponent couldn't withhold his curiosity any longer, and asked why the priest said, Hoover.
It's the biggest dam I know.
and he is not having much luck. Well, down the dock he notices an old man who is doing great, just reeling in fish after fish.
He goes over and ask the old man what's his secret. The old man just mumbles something incoherent. The younger man leans in, "I'm sorry, what?"
The old man mumbles again, this time a bit louder.
"I'm sorry, I still didn't understand you."
The old man turn his back, spits a wad into his hand, turns back and says, "You have to keep your worms warm."
A man was walking by a tall wall surrounding a hospital, what he thought was an insane asylum. He heard low voices moaning and groaning and saying, "61...61...61..." over and over again. It was odd and unsettling. It was a bit creepy. And he wondered what the heck was going on behind those walls. His pace slowed as the voices got a little louder and more organized...
"61! 61! 61!"
He noticed a small beam of light coming out of a small hole about waist high. It was his chance to see what was happening.
As he bent over and peered into the hole, a stick poked through it and jabbed him right in the eye.
"OUCH!" he shouted, as he fell back on his behind.
The voices then happily started shouting, "62! 62! 62!"
Because men got a six inch suppressor.
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??" "No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing.
A thief breaks into a house and starts to steal some things when he hears a soft voice.
"Jesus is watching you."
He hesitates, but moves farther into the house and keeps stealing. Louder this time he hears, "Jesus is watching you."
The thief moves into the living room, looking for the voice, and finds a room decked out in Christian pictures, sayings, and sculptures. In one corner, in front of a massive Jesus on the cross sits a parrot who says, "Jesus is watching you."
The thief laughs and says, "And I suppose your name is Jesus?"
The parrot replies, "No. My name is Moses. Jesus is the Rottweiler standing right behind you."
A priest and a nun are playing golf. The nun, on the first course, swing and hit the ball, right in the hole at the first strike. The priest hit the ball and threw it around. "Fxxx! I've missed!" said the priest. The nun glance at him and disagrees, moving the head. On the second hole, same scene: the nun succeded at the first strike, the priest threw it in the woods and started yelling: "Fxxx! I've missed!". The nun started complaining. Third hole, and following same exact scene. The priest shouts: "Fxxx! I've missed!" louder and louder. After another couple of holes, the nun said: "Enough! Stop dirty talking! If I hear you once more, may the sky strike you with a lightning!". The priest is very sorry and keep playing in silence. On the last hole, the nun scores in one strike. The priest threw the ball in a sand bunker and yelled: "Fxxx! I've missed!". The sky open itself and a enormous lightning strikes... the nun! From above the priest heard a voice: "Fxxx! I've missed!"
"We've updated our privacy policy."
**There are no fish under the ice**
The guy looks up but doesn't see anyone. He asks - can I at least drill and see for myself?
The answers in a louder tone.
**There are no fish under the ice**
The poor guy looks up and still can't see anyone. He thinks to himself - maybe I'm just hearing voices. He continues drilling.
The voice bellows louder than ever!
**There are no fish under the ice**
Now the blonde begins to tremble as he asks - who speaks to me?
**The owner of the skating rink**
"Come out, Dragon, and fight me!" he shouts into the cave. But there is no response.
"Come out, and fight me to the death" he shouts even louder. Still no response. And the cave stinks absolutely awfully.
"Come out, you cowardly worm," shouts St. George one more time at the top of his lungs, "and fight me!"
The voice of the dragon booms from somewhere up above: "OK, I'll be right there. Why do you have to scream up my ass?"
The caterpillar doesn't answer. So he asks again, "Hey caterpillar do you want to go on a walk?" Still no answer from the caterpillar. So the man asks a little louder, "HEY caterpillar! Do you want to go on a walk?" The caterpillar still says nothing. So the man yells "HEY CATERPILLAR, DO YOU WANT TO GO ON A WALK‽"
The caterpillar looked up at the man and replied "I heard you the first time. I was putting on my shoes."
They are alone in the elevator riding up to their office on the top floor when the blond looks at the gentleman, smiles and says "TGIF."
The gentleman grins back at her and says "S.H.I.T"
Puzzled, the blond looks at the gentleman and says more sternly "T.G.I.F"
The gentleman again smiles and repeats himself "S.H.I.T".
Frustrated the blond tries again, louder "T.G.I.F"
Again the man smiles and says "S.H.I.T."
Angry the blond yells "T.G.I.F! It means 'Thank God it's Friday!'"
The man smiles "Sorry Honey, It's Thursday" and departs.
As he gets closer he see's a small hole in the fence, the chanting's getting louder and faster... **13..13..13..** As he gets closer the chanting comes to a fearsome cresecendo, as he looks directly into the hole...
And a finger jabs him DIRECTLY in the eye, as the chanting resumes louder than ever... **14..14..14..14..**
While banging the hooker, she starts to moan "Soon kee". Assuming this meant she was enjoying herself, he begins to go faster. She moans it louder, and he goes faster, until he finishes.
The next day, he is playing golf with the CEO of his company, who has resided in the Philippines for some time. Suddenly, the business man gets a hole in one. So excited, he screams "Soon Kee!!".
The CEO looks at him with some confusion, looks at the hole, looks at him and says, "What do you mean 'Wrong hole'?"
...so he goes to a pet store to get another animal to cheer him up. The pet store owner asks him what he's looking for. The man replies his parrot has recently passed away, and he wants another animal that can talk.
The owner says he doesn't have any parrots, but a centipede that can talk. The man buys the centipede and a cage for it, then heads home. A few hours later, the man wants to see if the centipede can really talk, so he goes up to the cage and asks: "Do you want to go out for something to eat?" There's no reply, so the man asks again, in a louder tone: "Do you want to go out for something to eat?".
Again, no reply. The man gets extremely frustrated, thinking the store owner ripped him off, and yells: "DO YOU WANT TO GO OUT FOR SOMETHING TO EAT!". A tiny voice replies: "I heard you the first time! I was just putting on my shoes!"
Over all the noise, one guy turns to the other guy and says, "I had sex with your mother last night". The other guy just shakes his head and turns away.
About 2 drinks later, the first guy says a little louder, "I BANGED your mother last night!!" A few people around them stopped what they were doing to see how the other guy was going to respond, but he just turns away clearly embarrassed.
3 shots later, the first guy yells as loud as he possibly can, "I DESTROYED YOUR MOM IN BED LAST NIGHT!!!" This time the entire bar heard and the room fell silent in shock...
The other guy turns to him and says, "Dad, go home.. you're drunk!"
But apparently she didn't give me permission to snore.
So this guy walks home one day and in the distance he can hear some yelling,
"thirteen, thirteen" but thinks nothing of it.
As he walks on he hears the sound get louder and closer. When he walks pass a wooden fence he once again hears the word "thirteen, thirteen". He could see a hole in the fence so he leaned forward and tried to see what the fuss was about!
At the exact moment the man got a finger in his eye and you could hear the words being yelled: "fourteen,fourteen"
Man: Any last words?
Cockroach: You're just jealous of me.
Man: Why would I be jealous of you?!
Cockroach: Because I can make your wife scream louder than you can!
The Sound of Silence (Remastered)
He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth...in and out...in and out.
It was going on 20 minutes at this point...
Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted:
"OK, OK! I can't park the damn car! You do it, you smug bastard!"
Toward the end of the sermon, he says: "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river!" And most of the congregation nodded their heads in approval.
Even louder, he shouts: "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river, too!" The people clapped and said "Amen.
And then finally, he concludes, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river!" After which the congregation cheered loudly in agreement.
Then, the minister sits down, and it's the song leader's turn to speak. He had been quiet during most of the minister's sermon, but he stands up with a big grin, and says: "There's been a last minute change in today's musical selection. Please turn your hymnal to #318: Let Us Drink from the River."
about whose God was the greatest.
The muslim said "I will throw myself off this cliff and my God will save me." So he threw himself off the cliff, closed his eyes and shouted "allah allah allah allah..." until he realised he was fast approaching the ground. He started to panic and shouted louder and faster "ALLAHALLAHALLAHALLAH!!!" all the way until he hit the ground and died.
Next, the Buddhist said, "I will throw myself off this cliff and my God will save me." So he threw himself off the cliff, closed his eyes and shouted "buddha buddha buddha buddha..." until he realised he was fast approaching the ground. He started to panic and shouted louder and faster "BUDDHABUDDHABUDDHA!!!" and a great big hand came down from the sky and caught him safely.
Lastly, the Christian proclaimed "I will throw myself off this cliff and my God will save me." So he threw himself off the cliff, closed his eyes and shouted "Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus..." until he looked down and realised he was fast approaching the ground. He started to panic and started shouting at the top of his voice "BUDDHABUDDHABUDDHABUDDHA!!!"
Paddy says "I'll talk louder then"
He decides to ignore it and goes on his way.
On the next day, once again he hears "Seven... Seven..." he is intrigued but has to rush for work.
On the day after that, he once again hears "Seven... Seven..." and decides to follow the voice..
"Seven... Seven..." the voice is growing louder as he finds a long tall fence and he starts walking across it,
"Seven... Seven..." the voice is louder and louder,
"SEVEN... SEVEN..." the voice is really loud as the man sees a hole in the fence,
"SEVEN... SEVEN...",
he leans over to look through the hole and BAM gets a dick to the eye. "Eight... Eight..."
A PIN HITTING THE FLOOR.
Zucc: Yes Senator that is correct, Facebook does use cookies.
Senator: Where can I get some of those cookies and how are they made?
Zucc: I'm sorry senator I don't know wha...
Senator: *repeats question but LOUDER*
Zucc: Senator I...
Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Louder? Well, here are the best Louder puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Louder pick up lines to share with friends.