Loud Noise Jokes

A man is in court on trial. The judge says, "On the 3rd August, you were accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?" "Guilty", said the man in the dock. Another man at the back of the courtroom stands up and shouts, "You dirty rat!" The judge asks the man to sit down and to refrain from making any noise. The judge then continues, "...and also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead?" "Guilty," says the man in the dock. Again the same man at the back stands up and shouts even louder, "You dirty rotten stinking rat!" At this point the Judge calls the loud man to the bench and says, "I have already asked you to be quiet. If you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship do you have with this man?" He replies, "He is my next door neighbor." The judge replies, "I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments." The man replied "No, your honor, you don't understand. Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn't have one!"

A blonde went to the emergency room with the tip of her left index finger blown off.

"How did this happen?" the doctor asked.
"Well I was trying to commit s**...," the blonde replied.
"Trying to commit s**... by shooting your finger?"
"No silly! First I put the gun to my chest and I thought, ‘I just paid $6,000 for these,’ then I put it in my mouth and I thought, ‘I just paid $4,000 to get my teeth fixed.’ So then I put the gun in my ear and I thought, ‘this is going to make a loud noise,’ so I put my finger in my ear before I pulled the trigger.”

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

“How did this happen?” the emergency room doctor asked her.
“Well, I was trying to commit s**...,” the blonde replied.
“What?” sputtered the doctor. “You tried to commit s**... by shooting your finger off?”
“No silly!” the blonde said. “First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I’m not shooting myself in the chest.”
“So then?” asked the doctor.
“Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I’m not shooting myself in the mouth.”
“So then?”
“Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger.”

A truck driver amused himself by running over lawyers as they walked down the side of the road.

Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him. There would be a loud "thud", and then he would swerve back on the road. 
As the truck driver drove along one day, he saw a priest hitch hiking, he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
The priest said he was on his way to his church up the road. 
"I'll give you a lift."
The priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.
Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him.
At the last minute, he remembered he had a priest in the truck and swerved back onto the road.
Even though he knew he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "thud."
Unsure of where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors.
When he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry, Father. I almost hit a lawyer."
The priest replied, "That's OK, I got him with the door."

Peculiar Contest

A frenchman, an american, and an arab [NOTE: this isn't racist, you can just paste any nationality whatsoever. However, the joke works best with these three] walk into a bar and come up with a contest to see who's better.
The contest rules: you must kill a bear and have s**... with an old lady in the shortest possible time.
The frenchman walks in, and he's very good with women because he's french and all, takes 2hr to bang the grandma. But, he s**... at hunting because he's never seen a bear before and needs 6hrs to kill the bear. 8hrs.
The american is the opposite, because he's all christian and has moral obligation, while he's really good at hunting because there are lots of bears in his country. 8hrs also.
The arab walks in where the bear is, and stays in there for 7hrs. We hear grunts and loud noises. Finally, he emerges all bruised up and scarred, and proudly says: "So, where is that old lady I have to kill?"

Lady teasing Gorilla at the Zoo...

A man and his wife are at the zoo. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large, hairy gorilla. Noticing her, the gorilla starts bouncing around his cage. He jumps up on the bars and, holding on with one hand, grunts and pounds his chest.
The husband, finding this funny, suggests that his wife tease the poor primate. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and the gorilla gets even more excited, making extremely loud noises. Then, the husband suggests that she let one of the straps to her dress fall to show a bit more skin.
She does and the Gorilla nearly tears the bars down. Now, lift your dress up to your thighs and sort of fan it at him, says the husband. She does, driving the gorilla absolutely crazy to the point at which he starts doing flips.
Then, the husband grabs his wife, throws open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.
Now tell HIM you have a headache.

Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of the math class...

Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.
"Yeah teach?" he replies.
"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.
Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."
"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.
"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is l**... it, and one is s**... on it. Which one is married?"
The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's s**... on the ice cream."
Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"

Suicidal Blonde

A blonde hurries into the hospital emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well, I was trying to commit s**...," the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit s**... by shooting off the tip of your finger?"
"No, silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought 'I just paid $6000 for these, I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'"
"So, then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3000 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'"
"So, then?"
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought 'This is going to make a loud noise,' so I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

Instructions for cleaning the toilet

**Instructions for cleaning the toilet:**
1. Lift the lid on the toilet and fill it with 1/8 cup of animal shampoo.
2. Take the cat in your arms and s**... it gently while slowly moving in the direction of the toilet.
3. At a suitable moment, throw the cat into the toilet bowl and close the lid quickly and either stand or sit on the lid.
4. The cat will now start the cleaning process and will produce generate plenty of foam. Do not be concerned about the loud noises coming from the toilet; your cat is enjoying herself.
5. After several minutes flush the toilet to start the Power-wash pre-wash and then flush again for the main wash cycle.
6. Ask someone to open the front door and ensure that no-one is between the toilet and the front door.
7. Get off the toilet seat and from a safe distance open the toilet lid quickly. The cat will dry off naturally due to the high speed she will be moving from the toilet to the front door.
8. The toilet and the cat are now both clean.

Missing

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. 'Hello?'
'Is your daddy home?' He asked.
'Yes,' whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?'
The child whispered, 'No.'
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?' 'Yes'
'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, 'No'
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'
'Yes,' whispered the child, 'a policeman.'
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'
'No, he's busy,' whispered the child.
'Busy doing what?'
'Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman,' came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'
'A helicopter' answered the whispering voice.
'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered,
'The search team just landed a helicopter'
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...
'ME.'

Bouncing neighbour...

Jimmy had been hearing loud bumping noises coming from his parents room for the last 3 or 4 nights. The next night , the noises started again, so he goes to investigate. Quietly opening his parents bedroom door, he see's his mother bouncing up and down on his father. Quietly, he slips back to bed. The next morning,Jimmy asks his mom why she was bouncing up and down on dads stomach.
Mom thinks for a minute , then tells Jimmy, "It's part of a new diet plan to help dad lose weight."
Jimmy then replies, "I don't think it will work mom".
Mom asks Jimmy, "why not!"
"Because every morning when you leave for work, Mrs. Jones from next door comes over and blows daddy back up!"

My friend's "gong clock"

My friend called me to his house one evening for a catchup. We spent a few hours talking and it was getting late so I decided to leave. "Wait! I haven't shown you my gong clock! He took me upstairs where he had this massive gong close to the back wall. He said "like it?!" I replied "umm.. How does it work? Doesn't it just make a noise?" "Haha not just makes a noise but you can get the time too!" He said. "Let me demonstrate.." He picked up a giant mallet and struck the gong! It was so loud we both covered our ears! When I removed my hands and the gong was quieting down I could hear was knocking on wall and a muffled voice shouting "IT'S 11 O'CLOCK AT NIGHT WHATS THE MATTER WITH YOU!?"

A church is auditioning for bell ringers in the bell tower.

Many children show up and finally the priest gets to the last one. Suddenly a little boy with no arms runs through the door and says, "Am I too late?" The priest wants to go home but asks the child, "How if you have no arms will you ring the bell?" Without question the child runs head first right into the bell, barely making a noise. The priest tells the little child, " I am sorry but that is not loud enough. But thank you for trying my son." All of the sudden the kid runs full force smacking into the bell with all his might and creates the loudest ring the priest has ever heard. Suddenly the bell falls and crashes down to the ground below causing the child to fall also to his death. When the police show up the officer asks the priest, " Do you know his name?" The priest sadly says, " No, but his face rings a bell."

A Frenchman, Englishman and a woman on a plane.

There was an Englishman, a Frenchman and a woman sitting together on a plane.
The pilot made an apologetic announcement that the passenger lighting was faulty and may go out for periods of time during their journey.
Right on cue, the lights went out and it was completely dark.
Then there was a kissing sound, followed by the sound of a really loud *SLAP*.
When the lights came back on, the woman and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened, and the Frenchman had a n**... red slap mark on his face.
The Frenchman was thinking: "The English fella must have kissed the woman and she missed him and slapped me instead."
The woman was thinking: "The French fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the English fella and got slapped for it."
The English guy was thinking: "This is great. The next time the power goes out, I'll make another kissing noise and slap that French guy again."

My grandfather told me this In German so it might already be posted somewhere here, oh and it's translated

Two guys are riding bicycles down the street.
One of the bikes fenders was loose and was making a loud noise.
So the first guy said to the second guy
"Hey your fender is too loud"
The second guy says "what?"
The first guy speaks louder
"your fender is too loud"
The second guy replies "what?"
The first guy yells
"YOUR FENDER IS TOO LOUD"
The second guy yells back
"I CANT HEAR YOU MY FENDER IS TOO LOUD!"

Two guys sitting next to each other in a loud, crowded bar...

Over all the noise, o**... turns to the other guy and says, "I had s**... with your mother last night". The other guy just shakes his head and turns away.
About 2 drinks later, the first guy says a little louder, "I BANGED your mother last night!!" A few people around them stopped what they were doing to see how the other guy was going to respond, but he just turns away clearly embarrassed.
3 shots later, the first guy yells as loud as he possibly can, "I DESTROYED YOUR MOM IN BED LAST NIGHT!!!" This time the entire bar heard and the room fell silent in shock...
The other guy turns to him and says, "Dad, go home.. you're drunk!"