Loud Jokes
149 loud jokes and hilarious loud puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about loud that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Laugh out loud as you read these loud jokes! Whether you're reading them out loud to a group of friends or listening to them in a noisy commotion, get ready to roar with laughter at these jokes that are sure to bring a pleasantly loud chuckle.
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Funniest Loud Short Jokes
Short loud jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The loud humour may include short bright jokes also.
- Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I'm going for a jog, and then I don't. It's my longest running joke of the year.
- A plane carrying Donald Trump made an emergency landing in New Orleans after alleged engine failure over the Gulf of Mexico. Turns out there was just a loud whine coming from the right wing.
- I told my new girlfriend that my mother is deaf... So she would have to speak loudly and slowly.
I told my mother that my new girl friend is disabled. Now we wait. - Did you know: If you say a number loud enough, you increase its value? For example: 5 equals 5, but
5! equals 120. - A joke my 4 year old came up with today... Him: "What's the only mammal that can breathe under water?"
Me: "I dunno, what?"
Him (loudly): "An elephant sticking his trunk up!" - I went to a restaurant. It was full; no place to sit...
I took out my mobile,
Placed it to my ear and said loudly- "Bro come fast, she's here with someone else...
Six couples ran away - A boy is loudly praying, "God please give me a bicycle." His mom asks, "why are you praying so loudly? God isn't hard of hearing."
The boy replies, "yes but grandma is." - My wife asked me why I always have to sneeze so loudly. I told her, it's not that I HAVE to….
Achoos to - I divorced my wife because she was too loud in bed. I could hear her from two houses down the street.
- I hate it when people talk and eat loud in the cinema. Like shutup, I'm trying to film a movie here!
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Loud One Liners
Which loud one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with loud? I can suggest the ones about heavy and mighty.
- Apparently I snore so loudly that I scare everyone in the car I'm driving.
- What lives in the ocean and IS REALLY LOUD AND ANNOYING. A yellyfish.
- Do people in Hawaii laugh out loud? Or do they just give out a low ha ?
- What do guns and feminists have in common? They are very loud when triggered.
- what do you call a fake fish? a de"koi"
>!(if you don't get it, say it out loud)!< - My parents told me not to listen to my iPod too loud... It was sound advice.
- Saw a guy who wears a turban and who was coughing loudly I think he was Sikh
- Why is Nicolas Cage's radio so loud? He doesn't know how to turn things down
- I'm annoyed with my loud obnoxious neighbour. Now I know how Canada feels.
- Similarity between a feminist and a gun? They are both loud when triggered.
- If I were to invade Djibouti... Do you think Greece would help? [read out loud]
- Did you know, that if you shout 0 loud enough it becomes 1? See: 0!
- What's fast, loud and crunchy ? A rocket chip
- I don't know who needs to hear this but I'm not going to read it out loud
- I won a math debate. Say it out loud. ^
Say This Out Loud Jokes
Here is a list of funny say this out loud jokes and even better say this out loud puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- (Got to say this out loud) Knock knock... - Who's there?
- I eat map
- I eat map who?
- Ewwww (etc, etc)
This is posted on behalf of our seven year old. It's his favourite joke. - In memorial of Sean Connery: My favorite knock knock joke. (Say out loud for best effect) Knock knock.
Who's there?
Dish
Dish Who?
(Said in Sean Connery accent) DISH IS SEAN CONNERY LET ME IN! - If I had a nicker for every misspelling on this sub... I'd still be in a lot less trouble than you for saying that setup out loud.
- Say "Rise Up Lights" out loud You just said "Razor Blades" in an Australian accent
- What's the plural of compass? This one's best if you say it out loud.
What's the plural of octopus?
Octopi.
What's the plural of compass?
Cumpie. - Say it out loud Knock knock
Who's there?
Smell Mop - Two men are arguing loudly. A robot approaches and says "May I be of assistance?" One man turns to it and says *back off pal, this is an organic matter!"
- What does Jewish Superman say when he takes off ? Up Up and Oy Vey !
(For some reason this is just fun to say out loud) - Why is it so hard to keep track of counting in Afghanistan? Because of the Taliban
(say it out loud) - What do you call Australian hay? Hi. (Say it out loud)
Say Out Loud Jokes
Here is a list of funny say out loud jokes and even better say out loud puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What vehicle do you pick up the most chicks in? A tractor
(Maybe you'll have to say it out loud) - If you met an eel in a top hat... ...that would be Sir Eel.
(say it out loud) - A baby grabs his mom's phone and types "waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa" The mom reads it and says, "For crying out loud, use your voice"
- Why was the detective excited when he found a thimble sized crown? He was looking for Finger Prince.
(Say it out loud if you don't get it.) - My girlfriend broke up with me because she says I keep quoting Sherlock all the time.... I think she shouldn't talk out loud. She lowers the IQ of the whole street.
- I had a rude awakening due to a loud noise. Needless to say, I was alarmed.
- How to freak her out I love walking up to women I barely know, hug them and sniff loudly followed by me saying, "You smell so much better when you are awake."
- What did Lil' John say when the fan asked for an autograph at the loud club? What? Yeah... OK.
- Do what I ask you to do Say fork for times out loud.
Out loud is important.
Then say soup exactly five times.
Then fork-soup ten times.
Then realise that I wasted your time. - What do you call a Female to Male operation? An Addadictomy. (say it out loud)
Say It Out Loud Jokes
Here is a list of funny say it out loud jokes and even better say it out loud puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What did the man say when the bass was too loud for his ears? "That megahertz"
What did the woman get in response when she asked if his ears were okay?
100 watts - What did the trumpeter do when he was constipated? He rooted-it-oot.
(Works best to say it out loud) - My girlfriend's 10 year old brother told me this one (I recommend saying it out loud). Where can you find giant snails?
On their fingertips. - Question: What did the Cabbage say to the cab driver when he passed his stop? Answer:
"STOP THE CAB-BAGE"
Ps - The joke is to say it out loud and figure out what you are actually saying. - What TV personality lives in your phone? SIM Card-ashian! (it might help if you say it out loud)
- What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fshhhh
(This works a lot better if you say it out loud) - What do we say to the god of Def ? "Agnaghha gaggahgah"... Sorry I was thinking out loud
- What did the paralyzed man say to his loud neighbour I can't stand you guys
- Hogwarts' Spells Two kids are fighting in Hogwarts, Dumbledore comes to seperate them and says loudly «You guys are Ex-spelled»
- Say it now out loud Eyes Wall ohhh come yesterday
Loud Heard Jokes
Here is a list of funny loud heard jokes and even better loud heard puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I heard patients were not sleeping well at the hospital So I unplugged all the loud annoying beeping things in their rooms. They sleep much better now
- What's the funniest joke you've heard that can be told to a 5th grader? I always loved this one: (works better said out loud of course)
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
... A FSHHH - Did you hear about the plane that crashed into the trampoline factory? Witnesses heard a loud Boeing!
- If I had a dollar for everytime I heard someone sing a Macklemore song out loud... ...I would have 20 dollars in my pocket
- Heard this from a waiter at dinner tonight. Hey baby, my name is Olaf...like the snowman. Mind if I melt inside you?
Five star restaurant I am laughing out loud right now hahaj - I was taking a shower, and I heard this really loud, obnoxious singing near my shoulder. It was a soap opera.
Laugh Out Loud Jokes
Here is a list of funny laugh out loud jokes and even better laugh out loud puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A man has been stealing wheels of police cars Police are working tirelessly to catch him
Note: saw it on 9gag but I had to share it because I literally was laughing out loud - Did you know Hawaiians never laugh very loud? They just give aloha!
- Is loud laughing allowed in Hawaii? No?.. I should really start doing Somoa research..
- Told this joke to my mom, and my dad overheard and laugh loudly, proud moment for me. Even until now knives keep being...Cutting edge technology
- What's a joke suitable for a class of 10 year olds that both you, an adult, and they will actually laugh out loud at? Sorry, no punch line here. Just a legitimate question.
- Q: When do accountants laugh out loud?
A: When somebody asks for a raise. - Spell "attic" without laughing out loud
- How do you spell "laughing out loud" by using binary? 1o1o1o1o1o1o1o1o1o1o1o1o1o1o1o1o1o1o1
Howlingly Hilarious Loud Jokes for an Unforgettable Evening
What funny jokes about loud you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean huge jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make loud pranks.
Travelling Tip
Here's a little tip from me to you as an experienced traveler. Wake-up calls are the worst way to wake up. The phone rings, it's loud and you can't turn it down.
I leave the number of the room next to me.
It just rings very quietly and you hear a guy yell,
"Why are you calling me?"
Then you get up and take a shower. It's great.
God Loves Drunks Too
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.
A teacher I had in high school told me this one. It may better when told out loud rather than read, but it's still funny.
A guy wearing nothing but plastic wrap walks into a psychiatrist's office.
The psychiatrist looks at the man and says,
"Well, I can clearly see your nuts"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I said to my girlfriend.....
I said to my girlfriend, "Now remember, my mother is very old, so speak nice and slow and very loud."
Then I said to my perfectly capable mother, "By the way, my girlfriend is slightly r**...."
What fun that was...
Bellboy
Once there was a church that had a bell that no one could ring. One day, a boy came and asked the priest if he could try. So the boy went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell, face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The shocked priest gave him the job. But one Sunday, he ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed and fell off the tower and died.
"Congregation," the priest said before the assembled masses. "Does anybody know this boy's name? Because I don't know him, but his face rings a bell."
Blonde Co-Pilot
This is the story of the poor dizzy blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.
He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out for help.
"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"
She hears a voice over the radio saying:
"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! First, give me your height and position."
She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."
"O.K." says the voice on the radio.... "repeat after me: Our Father...Who art in Heaven....."
In and Out
(Part joke and part tongue-twister - lots of fun to tell out loud.)
Once upon a time, a mama skunk had twin baby skunks, who she named In and Out.
One day when they were just wee skunks, In and Out went out to play. At lunchtime, Mama Skunk poked her head out and called out, "In and Out, it's time to come in!"
After a few minutes, Out comes in. Mama looks at him and says, "Out, where is In? I just told you both to come in!"
Out says, "In is still out." So Mama tells him "Well Out, you go right back out, find In, and bring him in!" So Out goes out, and within just a minute he comes back in with In.
Mama Skunk is amazed. She says, "Out, how on earth did you find In so quickly?"
Out shrugs and says, "Instinks."
Cardiologist
A heart surgeon had died and at his funural the coffin was placed above a heart made of flowers. After everyone had said goodbye the coffin was lowered into the heart, during which someone began laughing really loud. 'What is wrong with you?' the person sitting next to the laughing man asked. 'I just thought of my own funural' he replied. 'What's so funny about that?' Still chuckling the man answered: 'Well, you see, I'm a gynaecologist'.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How to make girls feel safe in the hallways
I often find myself walking behind various girls while I'm going about my day and I'm always concerned I'm making them feel unsafe. So I like to remind myself not to walk like a r**....
I find this works much better if I don't say it out loud.
Yesterday at yoga
Yesterday at yoga, the instructor told us to make a flower shape by putting our hands together. She kept saying to take deep breaths and focus on our flowers. Towards the end of the exercise she told us to smell our flowers and just say out loud what our flowers smelt like. I don't think she appreciated it when I said Vaseline and shame.
Best read out loud
I was walking past my local athletics track when I saw a man carrying a very long, thin bag. I asked him "are you a pole vaulter?"
He said "Nein, I am German, but how did you know my name was Walter?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My neighbor is loud and obnoxious
Now I know how Canada feels
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
no idea!
I told my boyfriend that my mom is old so she
needs to speak slowly and loud. Then I told
my mom my boyfriend is r**.... They have
no idea!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Interruption of the speech of Comrade Stalin
Stalin reads his report to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes.
"Who sneezed?" (Silence.)
"First row! On your feet! Shoot them!" (Applause.)
"Who sneezed?" (Silence.) "Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!" (Long, loud applause.)
"Who sneezed?" (Silence.) ...
A dejected voice in the back: "It was me" (Sobs.)
Stalin leans forward: "Bless you, comrade!"
Thanks to allrussias for glorious joke!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Day in the Library
A guy is looking for a place to sit in the crowded library.
He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
The girl replied in a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?
The guy then responded in a loud voice:
"$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ... . . THAT'S ROBBERY!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy then whispered in her ear: "I study law: I know how to screw people."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A blonde was rushed to the hospital
A blonde was rushed to the hospital with a bullet wound in her index finger.
Doctor: how did this happen?
Blonde: I tried to s**....
Doctor: you shot your finger for s**...?
Blonde: No, I shot in my ear. But just before pulling the trigger, I realized that there would be a loud bang, so I closed my other ear with my finger.
Psychology vs Law
A guy was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.
He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
The girl replied in a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy,
He was truly embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table,
and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking.
I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"
The GUY then responded in a loud voice:
"Rs.5000/- FOR ONE NIGHT!! ISN'T THAT TOO MUCH?"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy whispered to her:
"I study law and I know how to screw people."
A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?
The girl replied with a loud voice: "NO! I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started looking at the guy; he was pretty embarrassed. After a while the girl walked quietly over to the guy's table and said: "I study psychology, I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right? The guy then responded with a loud voice: $1000 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH! All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered "I guess you felt bad for what you did earlier, right? I study law; I know how to make someone feel guilty.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Guy Is In A Waiting Room When..
A guy is in a waiting room and has to f**..., so he waits for the music to get loud and farts to the beat so no one hears him. He looks up for a moment and everyone is staring at him. He takes out his headphones and says "what??"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy rushes into a pharmacy run by prudes...
Goes straight to the register and says in a loud voice "Gimme one c**...."
The cashier lady is outraged. "Young man! You mind that tongue of yours!"
"Right. Gimme two condoms, then."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I found myself in a pub in Cork, Ireland.
A group of American tourists came in.
One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Irish think you're great drinkers. I bet $5,000 that no one here can drink 20 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes."
The bar was silent, but the American noticed one Irishman leaving. No one took up the bet.
40 minutes later, the Irishman who left returned and said, "Hey y**..., is yer bet still on?"
"Sure" said the American, "20 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of $5,000 ."
"Grand, " replied the Irishman, "so pour the pints and start the clock."
It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare.
OK y**..., pay up." said the Irishman.
"I'm happy to pay, here's your money" said the American. "But tell me, when I first offered the wager, I saw you leave. Where did you go?'
"Well sir", replied the Irishman, "$5,000 is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it.
My dishwasher makes this loud rumbling sound...
Strange thing is, it only seems to happen at night, when she's sleeping.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
READ THIS OUT LOUD!
This is this cat.
This is is cat.
This is how cat.
This is to cat.
This is keep cat.
This is an cat.
This is idiot cat.
This is busy cat.
This is for cat.
This is forty cat.
This is seconds cat.
Now please go back to the top, read it again, but only the third word in each line. :P
I bought a new TV today...
Got a great 50" HDTV for $29.99 today.
Of course, there was a catch... The volume was stuck at the max setting so it was incredibly loud.
But for $29.99, I couldn't turn it down.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I take the bus to school
So every morning I take the bus to campus. On the way, it stops by the local prison.
This morning, while we were stopped by the prison, I heard a loud c**.... I look to my right and I see what used to be a window, now shattered.
I'm looking at the window, and I see some rope fly out. Following the rope, I see an inmate. A rather small inmate. As a matter of fact, the man was a dwarf.
I stared at him in awe. As he made his way down the rope towards freedom, he notice me observing him. He gave me the stink eye. I thought to myself:
Wow, that's a little condescending.
My grandfather told me this In German so it might already be posted somewhere here, oh and it's translated
Two guys are riding bicycles down the street.
One of the bikes fenders was loose and was making a loud noise.
So the first guy said to the second guy
"Hey your fender is too loud"
The second guy says "what?"
The first guy speaks louder
"your fender is too loud"
The second guy replies "what?"
The first guy yells
"YOUR FENDER IS TOO LOUD"
The second guy yells back
"I CANT HEAR YOU MY FENDER IS TOO LOUD!"
I was having a quick wee in the deep end of the swimming pool when the lifeguard blew his whistle.
It was so loud I nearly fell in.
A woman wants to find a husband so she puts out an ad "I'm looking for a man that won't hit me, won't run away, and can satisfy me."
A week later she hears a very loud knock at the door. She answers it and it is a man with no arms or legs, he says "I won't beat you, I have no arms. I won't run away, I have no legs."
She replies "And how do you know you can satisfy me?"
He grins and says "Did you hear me knocking?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Nervous about watching new Game of Thrones with my parents, due to all the s**....
Hopefully if I turn the volume up loud I won't hear them.
Best Joke in the history of jokes, maybe ever
2 guys are hunting in the woods. The first guy faints and stops breathing. The second guy calls 911 and they say "911, what's your emergency?".
The guy says "My friend and I were hunting in the woods and he fainted. I think he's dead."
The 911 operator responds "First make sure that he is dead before anything"
A loud shot is heard. The guy then says "Ok, what do I do next"
A resourceful woman...
A woman gets into a very busy restaurant around lunch time.
She is told the next available table would be free in an hour.
She holds her phone to her ear, and with a loud voice says:
"*Honey, you won't believe it, but your husband is having lunch with his girlfriend at so-and-so restaurant*"
Half the diners instantly get up and rush to the exit..
Anthony arrived home from work one day, only to find his wife totally stressed out because their kids had been running wild all day...
She asks him if he would please take them out for a pizza.
He agrees, tells the kids to go out to the garage and to wait in the car, following behind them.
A few moments later, the wife hears two loud bangs.
Tony comes back into the house and asks, "Where's my pizza?"
Bringing her home to meet mother
I told my new girlfriend that my mother was very hard of hearing and that she should speak loud and slow. I told my mother that my girlfriend was mentally challenged and to please be polite.
I'm looking forward to Christmas dinner.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm introducing my girlfriend to my parents for the first time tonight
I told my girlfriend my parents were partially deaf, so she has to speak loud and slow. I told my parents my girlfriend is r**........this should be an interesting night.
Inner Strength
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can resist complaints and excessively loud people,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs...
If you can do all of these things, then you are probably a dog
Literally the guy you asked for
A woman looking for a relationship places an ad, saying, Looking for a guy that won't beat me, won't run away on me and will satisfy me nicely. Am good looking, excellent cook.
Three days later, there's a loud knocking at her door. Behind it there's a guy with no arms and no legs, smiling expectantly. Dear Amy, he says, I have no arms so I couldn't even beat you if I tried. I have no legs and I can't run away on you. I'm your guy.
That's very nice, says Amy, surprised, but how will you be able to satisfy me?
His smile widens, You did hear the knocking, didn't you?
I went with my kids for a swim in the public kids pool and apparently adults peeing in a pool is not entirely unnoticeable
The lifeguard yelled so loud at me I almost fell in the water.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A dad is sitting on the couch in his living room
He hears his son start walking down the stairs and then loud b**... and rumbling
Dad: Son what happened?
Son: it's nothing i just dropped my shirt down the stairs
Dad: it sounded a lot heavier than a shirt
Son: yeah it's because i was wearing it
Just wrote this
How does Sherlock Holmes find out what TV shows are on?
He just asks Watson.
(Works better out loud)
What do Donald Trump & the Kool-Aid Man have in common?
They are both loud, artifically colored, and obsessed with walls.
A man comes home drunk...
As he stumbles in trying to be quiet as possible not to wake up the wife...he's too drunk and knocks over a stool startling wife from sleep...
Wife, from bedroom: Bob, is that you? what was that ?
Bob: Oh nothing honey, just a stool. Be right there...
As he stumbles into the bedroom he falls over creating a loud CRASHHH
Wife: Bob? Are you OK? What was that sound???
Bob: Oh its nothing honey, i was just hanging my shirt and it fell.
Wife: How did your shirt make such a loud sound?
Bob: I was still wearing it
My two year-old son told his first joke today. Afterwards, he burst out laughing for about 5 minutes straight saying 'I'm so funny' over and over again.
The joke.
Son comes in carrying a soft toy, a cow.
Son: "Mummy Mummy cow is being noisy!"
Mummy: "How is cow being nois---"
Son: "Moooooooo!!!!"
Then bursts into loud laughter.
Love this kid!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A little boy was doing his math homework and practicing out loud, Two plus six, that son of a b**... is eight...
Three plus seven, that son of a b**... is ten."
Hearing what he was saying, his mother asked him what he was doing. He answered that he was doing his math homework.
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" she asked her son to which he replied yes.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher what she is teaching in math class. The teacher said, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked if she was teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a b**... is four.
Laughing, the teacher replied, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman's closet door what making a terrible sounds whenever a bus was crossing the street outside
So she called a carpenter to check it out.
The carpenter comes to see what's the problem but sees nothing. Right then a bus was crossing the street and a loud creaking sound was heard. He couldn't believe it.
So he told her that he'll be waiting inside the closet to see what is making this noise.
After a few minutes the husband comes home, opens the closet and see a man inside.
He looks at his wife with disgust and back at the man and asks: "what the h**... are you doing in my closet…?"
The carpenter then said "would you believe me if I told you I am waiting for the bus? "
A boy asked a girl in a library, "Do you mind if I sit beside you"?
A boy asked a girl in a library, "Do you mind if I sit beside you"?
The girl answered with a loud angry voice; "I don't want to spend the night with you!!"
All the people in the library started staring at the boy and he was embarrassed.
After a few minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said to him," I study psychology and I know what man is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"
The guy responded with a loud voice,"$300 for one night. That's too much!!"
And all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock and the guy whispered in her ears, "I study law and I know how to make someone guilty."
A mother had three kids called Drop, Feather, and Brick
A mother had three kids called Drop, Feather, and Brick.
Perplexed, the first kid asks his mother "Mom, why did you named me Drop?"
And she says: "Because when you were born, a little drop fell in your head..."
The second kid asks: "Mom, why did you named me Feather?"
She answers: "Because when you were born, a feather fell in your head..."
Finally, the third kid says: "GUhhhGaahh \*loud noises\* HUEHUE"
Sorry guys
Timed Gas
Timed Gas
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me...Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to the music on my Samsung phone with an ear-piece.
If water with ice is iced water...
... milk with ice is iced milk, and tea with ice is iced tea, what's ink with ice in it?
>!(This one works better out loud. If you don't get it, maybe say the answer out loud to someone you know and they'll probably agree even though they haven't heard the lead in.)!<
A boy asked a girl in a library, Do you mind if I sit next to you?
The girl replied with a loud angry voice; I don't want to spend the night with you! All the people in the library started looking at the boy and felt embarrassed. After a few minutes the girl walked calmly to the boy's table and said: I study psychology and I known what the man is thinking, I guess you felt pretty embarrassed, huh? The boy replied loudly: $300 for one night? That's too much! And all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock and the boy whispered in her ear, I study law I know how to make someone guilty
A blonde arrives at work crying out loud
The boss asks worried what happened to her, to which she answers:
"I got a call this morning and found out my mother was dead."
The boss comforts her:
"Why don't you go home today to rest? We don't have too much work to do anyway."
The blonde refuses, saying that she better work to forget about the trouble.
Five minutes later the boss finds the blonde crying even louder.
"What else happened?" he asks her.
To which she responds:
"My sister just called and told me her mother died too."
The tunnel
An Englishman, a Frenchmen, a young woman, and an old lady, are sitting together on a train when it goes through a tunnel. A loud slap is heard, and then the Frenchman is rubbing his face.
The old lady thinks 'I bet he tried to touch the young woman, and she slapped him'
The young woman thinks 'I bet he tried to touch the old lady thinking it was me, and she slapped him'
The Frenchman thinks 'I bet the Englishman tried to touch the young woman, and she thought it was me, so she slapped me'
The Englishman thinks 'I can't wait for the next tunnel so I can slap him again'
You're lost in the middle of the woods at night, alone. The sky is cloudy, there are no trails, no map, no cell phone and no GPS. No sign of a city in any direction. How do you get back to civilization?
You tell an old joke out loud, wait a couple of minutes and follow any of the angry redditors shouting "repost!" back to civilization.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?
Elephino. It just isn't rhelephant.
(This joke works best when said out loud.)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My neighbours are complaining about my loud groans during s**... in the mornings.If . . .
they only knew its me putting my socks on!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A general, an officer, an old lady, and an attractive young woman all board a train together.
As they ride along they go in a dark tunnel and can't see anything. Suddenly, they hear a quick smooch followed by a loud s**...!
The old lady thinks, "that young girl has some fine morals, smacking a man for trying to steal a kiss."
The young woman thinks, "how odd, the general tried to kiss the old lady instead of me."
The general thinks, "that officer is smart, he steals a kiss, and I get slapped."
The office thinks, "I'M A GENIUS! I kiss the back of my hand, and get to hit a 4 star general!!!"
I took my daughter to my office for, "Bring your kid to work day". BIG MISTAKE!
After meeting everyone she started getting cranky and began to cry. As everyone gathered around to try to console her, she looked at me and in a loud voice complained, "Where are all the clowns you tell me & mommy you work with everyday?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It was a sad and disappointing day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe.
Not even remotely.
(I stole this joke from fb and it made my drunk a**... laugh out loud so I wanted to share but I'm sorry if it's a repost)
So Hawaii recently made a new law in regards to noise and the increase of noise complaints due to an uprising in loud laughter.
They now have to use a low ha
I was in the bar yesterday...
when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas.
The music was really really loud, so I timed my Farts with the beats. After a couple of songs I started to feel better.
I finished my beer and noticed that everybody was staring at me.
Then I suddenly remembered I was listening to my iPod.
At a corporate party…
The director of HR stood up and said If anyone has any comments or anything they'd like to say please come up to the microphone
An employee stood up and walked over. He picked up the microphone and pointed it directly at the speakers. A loud obnoxious noise screeched out and filled the room. Everyone covered their ears as he held it there. He then turned it away and handed it back to the HR director. To which the HR director said…
Thank you for your feedback.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Norm MacDonald died today
When he got to heaven, the angels told him it was mandatory that he take an eye exam to enter. And they all watched.
He read it out loud: E-I-E-I-Ohhh you guys are d**...!
RIP Norm.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My Hawaiian HOA passed a noise ordinance so strict that I can't even laugh out loud.
All i can do is a low ha.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Do you mind if I sit beside you? The girl replied with a loud voice, "NO, I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy 's table and said, "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?
The guy then responded with a loud voice, $500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT 'S WAY TOO MUCH!
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy stood and whispered in her ear, "I study law, and I know how to screw people."
What's the loudest color?
YELL-O!
(Orange ya glad I didn't say red?)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Lottery
Guy is sitting alone in his house watching tv and envious of the latest person who just won the lottery.
" God, I wish I could win the lottery"
Another few weeks goes by and again someone else wins the lottery.
"God, I wish I could win the lottery"
Another month goes by and still another person wins the lottery.
"God, I wish I could win the lottery"
That same minute a loud clap of thunder and the Heavens open up. In this bright angelic light comes a voice....... " Dude, work with me. Buy a d**... ticket"
I don't have a Facebook or Twitter account...
I just walk around announcing out loud what I'm doing at random times...
I've got 3 followers so far, but I think 2 are cops.
Who runs Mexican Amazon?
Jeff Pesos
It's a silly joke but I thought of it on my own today! I found a 200 peso bill on the ground today and I was saying pesos in different accents out loud with a coworker when the joke popped into my head. I don't think I've heard it anywhere before. After I got home and searched it here I realised it hasn't been told this way on this subreddit yet either. So I'm claiming it as an original joke.
