loud Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious loud puns

Did you know: If you say a number loud enough, you increase its value?

For example: 5 equals 5, but

5! equals 120.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Got caught peeing in the pool

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A woman wants to find a husband so she puts out an ad "I'm looking for a man that won't hit me, won't run away, and can satisfy me."

A week later she hears a very loud knock at the door. She answers it and it is a man with no arms or legs, he says "I won't beat you, I have no arms. I won't run away, I have no legs."

She replies "And how do you know you can satisfy me?"

He grins and says "Did you hear me knocking?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide alarm today

The loud beeping was giving me a headache.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

daaaamn guuurrrl are you a smoke detector ...

because you're really fucking loud and annoying

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Double Positives.

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class one day.

'In English', he said, 'A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.'

A loud voice from the back of the room piped up, 'Yeah, right.'

πŸ‘πŸΌ

How to make girls feel safe in the hallways

I often find myself walking behind various girls while I'm going about my day and I'm always concerned I'm making them feel unsafe. So I like to remind myself not to walk like a rapist.

I find this works much better if I don't say it out loud.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Bringing her home to meet mother

I told my new girlfriend that my mother was very hard of hearing and that she should speak loud and slow. I told my mother that my girlfriend was mentally challenged and to please be polite.
I'm looking forward to Christmas dinner.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

As blond woman, I've heard them all. But this is my favorite blond joke.

A blonde is driving down the highway when she looks out the window to see another blonde in a rowboat, in the middle of a field, rowing as hard as she can.

She pulls over, gets out of her car, runs to the edge of the field and yells as loud as she can, 'It's bitches like you that give blondes a bad name and if I could swim, I'd come out there and beat your ass!'

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Nervous about watching new Game of Thrones with my parents, due to all the sex.

Hopefully if I turn the volume up loud I won't hear them.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide detector today

The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

To all of you idiots out there that drive loud cars, we hate you and get off our roads.

We don't care how many heart attack victims you have to take to the hospital.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I said to my girlfriend.....

I said to my girlfriend, "Now remember, my mother is very old, so speak nice and slow and very loud."

Then I said to my perfectly capable mother, "By the way, my girlfriend is slightly retarded."

What fun that was...

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I told my girlfriend that mom is deaf, so be sure to speak loud and slow…

Told mom that my girlfriend is retarded…

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A resourceful woman...

A woman gets into a very busy restaurant around lunch time.
She is told the next available table would be free in an hour.
She holds her phone to her ear, and with a loud voice says:
"*Honey, you won't believe it, but your husband is having lunch with his girlfriend at so-and-so restaurant*"
Half the diners instantly get up and rush to the exit..

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I was at the public swimming pool today and decided to have a sneaky piss in the deep end.

The lifeguard must have noticed - he blew his whistle so fucking loud, I nearly fell in.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A dad is sitting on the couch in his living room

He hears his son start walking down the stairs and then loud banging and rumbling

Dad: Son what happened?

Son: it's nothing i just dropped my shirt down the stairs

Dad: it sounded a lot heavier than a shirt

Son: yeah it's because i was wearing it

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I hate it when people talk and eat loud in the cinema.

Like shutup, I'm trying to film a movie here!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My neighbor is loud and obnoxious

Now I know how Canada feels

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I'm introducing my girlfriend to my parents for the first time tonight

I told my girlfriend my parents were partially deaf, so she has to speak loud and slow. I told my parents my girlfriend is retarded.....this should be an interesting night.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I was having a quick wee in the deep end of the swimming pool when the lifeguard blew his whistle.

It was so loud I nearly fell in.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

"IT'S A BOY" I shouted...

With tears rolling down my face, I shouted out loud. "I DON'T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!"

It was at that moment I decided never to visit Thailand again.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide alarm...

...the loud ringing noise from it was giving me a headache and making me dizzy.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My favorite one liner. I've only told it out loud so I figured I'd type it type it vaguely.

A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but saran wrap. The psychiatrist says "Well, I can clearly see youre nuts"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

no idea!

I told my boyfriend that my mom is old so she
needs to speak slowly and loud. Then I told
my mom my boyfriend is retarded. They have
no idea!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Best read out loud

I was walking past my local athletics track when I saw a man carrying a very long, thin bag. I asked him "are you a pole vaulter?"

He said "Nein, I am German, but how did you know my name was Walter?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A blonde was rushed to the hospital

A blonde was rushed to the hospital with a bullet wound in her index finger.

Doctor: how did this happen?

Blonde: I tried to suicide.

Doctor: you shot your finger for suicide?

Blonde: No, I shot in my ear. But just before pulling the trigger, I realized that there would be a loud bang, so I closed my other ear with my finger.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A guy walks into a bar with a gun and asks out loud "who had sex with my wife!?"

A voice up the back said, "you don't have enough bullets!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Best Joke in the history of jokes, maybe ever

2 guys are hunting in the woods. The first guy faints and stops breathing. The second guy calls 911 and they say "911, what's your emergency?".

The guy says "My friend and I were hunting in the woods and he fainted. I think he's dead."

The 911 operator responds "First make sure that he is dead before anything"

A loud shot is heard. The guy then says "Ok, what do I do next"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What do guns and feminists have in common?

They are very loud when triggered.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I went with my kids for a swim in the public kids pool and apparently adults peeing in a pool is not entirely unnoticeable

The lifeguard yelled so loud at me I almost fell in the water.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I got caught peeing in the pool the other day

The lifeguard yelled at me so loud that I almost fell in.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Apparently, over 80% of people...

Apparently, over 80% of people don't know the opposites the the following words...

1) Always

2) Coming

3) From

4) Take

5) Me

6) Down


It's even harder, I'm told, to read the opposites of those words out loud.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

So I was in a bar...

and this really loud obnoxious guy bumps into me and ends up spilling both our beers all over me. I get pretty pissed and challenge this guy to step outside so I can smack him in the face.
"No no, I'm a lover! Not a fighter!" He says.
So I kissed him. Turns out he WAS a fighter.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two blondes are in the woods looking at a set of tracks.

"They're wolf tracks," says the first.

"No way! Those are fox tracks!" Exclaims the second.


The two fight back and forth so loud they didn't hear the train coming.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What are the most funny Loud jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Loud? Well, here are the best Loud dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Loud pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes