Lotto Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

Two Thai girls...

Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lotto! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!

A husband says to his wife, "What would you do if I won Lotto?"

She says, "I'd take half, then leave you."

"Excellent," he replies, "I won $12, here's $6 - now fuck off!"

"What would you do if I won Lotto?"

A man walks in the door at home and walks up to his wife:
"Honey, what would you do if I won Lotto?"
She replies: "Take half and leave you of course."
The man instantly smiles:
"I just won $12 on this weeks lotto... Here's $6. NOW GET THE FUCK OUT!"

If a man wins the lotto...

Man- What would you do if I won the lottery?


Woman- Take half and leave!


Man- Well, I won 20 bucks, here's 10, now get out!

An old Jew

An old Jew who survived the German concentration camps is living in America. Every Monday he goes to his local convenience store and buys a lotto ticket. One day he hits a winner and wins big. The first thing he buys is a life size statue of Adolph Hitler to put in his living room. His family and friends are shocked. They can't understand his decision and think that he's losing his marbles. Finally his grandson asks him "Grandpa, why did you buy a statute of that horrible man and put it in your living room?" The old Jew gets down on one knee, rolls up his sleeve and replies "well son, old Adolph gave me the winning numbers."

The Lottery

There once was an old man who used to buy the lottery every single day for his whole life, and never won. One day, he had a heart attack and was rushed to the hospital; before he could see the winning lotto numbers on TV. His wife saw the numbers, and realized that he had just won the MegaMillions.

At the hospital, the mans wife didn't want to tell her husband that he had just won the lotto, because she was worried that his weak heart couldn't handle all the excitement and that he might die. Instead, she asked their local priest to go tell her husband the news as subtlety as possible, without causing him to have another heart attack.

So the priest goes and sits down next to the man and asks him, "You've been buying the lottery for decades, and you've never won. What if, one day, you did win. Millions of dollars. What would you possibly do with all that money?".

The man replies, "I would have donated it all to the Church". The priest then had a heart attack, and died.

Husband Wins The Lotto

A Husband wins the lotto, and in his excitement he hurries home to inform his wife.

He says, "hunny pack your bags, I just won the lottery!"

Wife says " Really?! That's great! What should I pack for, the beach or snow?"

Husband says "I don't care where you, just get the fuck out!"

Why do lottery winners always go bankrupt?

Because if they knew anything about managing money, they wouldn't be playing the lotto in the first place!

- Anthony Jeselneck

Did you hear about the woman who blew all her money on powerball tickets?

She made a lotto bad decisions....

A snail hits the lotto and goes into a Rolls Royce dealership and orders his car to have a giant "S" painted on the doors.

When asked why he wanted it, he replied "I want everyone who sees me to say 'look at that S car go!'"

What did the woman who won the lottery get?

Lotto money.

What has 6 balls and screws you twice a week?

The lotto!

I feel like I just won the lotto!

Because I just paid the IRS a shit ton of tax.

Being kissed by a girl is like winning the lotto

I can pay for both, but get nothing in the end

What is something I 100% do not own...

CS:GO Lotto.

Did you hear about the Horse who won the Lotto?

Nobody has. When they asked if he had the winning ticket he only told them "Nay"

"I would like one Lotto ticket, please."

Upon reaching the counter at his local market our fellow says, "I would like one Lotto ticket, please." The woman behind the counter looks at him disappointedly. "You don't want a Lotto ticket."
Not dissuaded, the man says, "Yes I do. One Lotto ticket please."
"It's a fool's bet." The woman says.
"No matter." says the fellow. "One Lotto Ticket, please." That's when she snapped on him.
"Listen, Bub. Do you know what the odds of winning the Lotto are? Do you? They're the same odds as having a 747 jumbo jet flying directly overhead and having one of it's engines tear off it's wing, come plummeting down to earth and Crush You Dead!" That instant, the ceiling broke through as a jumbo jet engine crashed down and killed the fellow in line behind him.
"I would like two Lotto tickets, please."

News from the Zimbabwean Lotto

and for a magical 100,000th time the winner is...

Robert Mugabe

A man wins the lotto and races home

Tells his wife "Honey, I just won the lotto, pack your bags!"

The wife says "what should I pack? Swim suit? Snow jacket?"

He says "I don't care where you go, just get the fuck out!"

What are the funniest lotto jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Lotto? Well, here are the best Lotto puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Lotto pick up lines to share with friends.

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