Lottery Win Jokes
104 lottery win jokes and hilarious lottery win puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about lottery win that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Lottery Win Short Jokes
Short lottery win jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The lottery win humour may include short winning lottery jokes also.
- My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again. MAN, I sure am LUCKY!
I mean, first I win the lottery and now THIS!!! - My wife likes to say marrying me was like winning the lottery... I like to remind her that most lottery winners blow their winnings.
- A man runs home after winning the lottery "Honey honey! We won the lottery! Pack your bags!"
"Oh my god that's amazing! Where are we going?!"
"I don't care, just get out!" - If I ever win the lottery, I'm going to share it with everyone. Not the money, just going to let you know that I've won.
- If I ever win the lottery I'll give some of the money to charity. .....And if she isn't dancing that night I'll give some Destiny
- A Jewish couple win the lottery... The wife asks Isaac - what are going to do about all the begging letters?
Isaac says We keep sending them! - What's better than winning the lottery? Winning it the day after your divorce comes through.
- Did you hear about the guy who blew his entire lottery winnings on a limousine? He had nothing left to chauffeur it.
- A farmer wins the lottery A reporter asks him: " What are you going to do with the money?"
He says: "I'm just going to keep on farming until it is all gone. - Meeting my wife was like winning the lottery… …because 3 years later I was completely broke
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Lottery Win One Liners
Which lottery win one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with lottery win? I can suggest the ones about lottery ticket and winning the lottery.
- God finally answer my prayers for winning the $15 million lottery. The answer is no.
- It irritates me that I never win the lottery Maybe I should start buying lottery tickets.
- Eskimo lottery You've got to be Inuit to win it
- What are the chances you win the lottery? 1/2 because your either win or you don't.
- What's the chances of winning the Mexican lottery? Juan in a million.
- What do you call an AI that wins the lottery? Jackbot.
- Why did the former fitter turned baker enter the lottery? To win dough.
- Capitalism is like the lottery. Every body believe they will win, but only few do.
- How come you never see a headline like "Psychic Wins Lottery"
- Ever wonder why You never see the headline. Physic wins the lottery.
- A blind man wins the lottery for 10 million dollars... I bet he didn't see that coming
- Why do we call it the lottery? Because you can win a Lottomoney!
- How much money do you get, if you win the lottery in Brazil? A brazillian dollars.
- Why did the Mexican man win the lottery? He was JUAN in a million
- Winning the lottery is a 50/50 chance You either win.....
Or you don't
Lottery Win Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about lottery win you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean lottery jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make lottery win pranks.
My Dearest Susan,
Sweetie of my heart.
I’ve been so desolate ever since I broke off our engagement.
Simply devastated.
Won’t you please consider coming back to me?
You hold a place in my heart no other woman can fill.
I can never marry another woman quite like you.
I need you so much. Won’t you forgive me and let us make a new beginning?
I love you so.
Yours always and truly,
John
P.S. Congratulations on you winning the state lottery.
Blond in debt
There was this blond woman heavily in debt. She got a letter in the mail saying that if she didn't pay her bills soon the bank would repossess her business. Not knowing what to do, she prayed.
"Please God" she said "Let me win the lottery so I'll have the money to keep my business."
She didn't win the lottery though and the bank ended up taking her business. The next week she got another letter in the mail saying that if she didn't pay her bills the bank would take her house. Again, the woman prayed.
"Please God. Let me win the lottery so I can keep my house."
Again, she didn't win the lottery and the bank kicked her out of her house. Now she is living in her car. Without mercy, a bank representative told her that if she didn't pay her bills they would take her car as well. She decides to pray one more time.
"Please God. Let me win the lottery so I can put my life back together again."
All of a sudden the clouds parted and God spoke to her.
"Work with me, girl. Buy a friggin' lottery ticket!"
15 years of prayer
So a homeless man starts praying to god everyday for 15 years straight asking to win the lottery at least once. He never misses a day and pleads to god. One day he starts praying when he sees a flash of light and hears god yell "ATLEAST BUY A LOTTERY TICKET IF YOU WANT TO WIN!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Irish lawnmower
p**... was waiting at the bus stop with m**... when a truck went by loaded with rolls of turf.
I gonna do that when I win the lottery, says p**....
What's dat? says m**....
Send me lawn away to be cut, says p**....
edit;typing
A blonde finds herself in serious money trouble...
Lost her job and she's in dire financial straits.
She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my job and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."
Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.
She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my job, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my job, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.
The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself...."Sweetheart, work with Me on this.... Buy a ticket."
A man wins the lottery...
A man wins a substantial amount of money on the lottery and tells his girlfriend "I've just won the lottery! Quickly, pack your things!"
"Oh my god, oh my god!! Where are we going?!" she exclaims.
The man replies, "Who said I was going anywhere?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Lenny is a righteous man who devotes his life to charity work ...
Every week, he prays to god that he should win the lottery. "god, I don't desire much and I do your work on this earth, but I've never enjoyed the material things--a large house, fast car, steak dinners, that deep down I want to enjoy.
Finally one week Lenny breaks down and says during his weekly prayer, "god, I've been your loyal servant for 50 years committing myself to your work--feeding the hungry, clothing the n**..., and providing work to the poor! Please the lottery is at an all time high and I've never won so much as 100 dollars!"
All of a sudden the heavens open and a booming voice echoes, LENNNY... HELP ME OUT... BUY A f**...' TICKET...
An old married couple wins 10 million dollars from the lottery.
"What shall we do with all these letters begging for money?" the woman asks her husband.
"Keep sending them!"
TIL a domesticated rodent won the Powerball lottery.
Experts are saying he had about a 1 in gerbillion chance of winning.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
p**... is a poor Irish farmer...
He spends all day from dawn till dusk working his little farm to provide for his sick wife and 12 daughters.
Every night he kneels by the side of his bed and prays. 'Dear Lord, I'm a good catholic just trying to do right, please oh Lord could I win the lottery?'
For years and years p**... struggles on, ekeing a meagre existence from his tiny farm, attending church every sunday, nursing his sick wife and teaching his 12 daughters how to live moral lives.
And every night still, he kneels by the side of his bed and begs the lord to please let him win the lottery.
One night, he is kneeling and praying like usual, when suddenly the sky bursts into golden light, a glorious chorus of angels sing and winged cherubs strum harps as the lord himself appears to p**....
p**...,' Gods deep voice booms.
With tears streaming down his face and his arms stretched towards the sky, p**... shouts 'YES MY LORD!'
'BUY A TICKET.'
So, I won the lottery...
...when the newspaper asked me what I would do with the winnings, I said that I would give it to Charity. Then she could afford to stop stripping.
Two Cajuns were waiting at the bus stop when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of turf.
Boudreaux said, "I'm a'gonna do dat when I win da lottery!"
"What's dat?" asks Thibodeaux.
"Send da lawn off to be mowed."
Why did the Greenlander get so angry when he didn't win the lottery?
Because he was inuit to win it
Her: "Will you still love me if you win 1 million dollars at the lottery?"
Him: "Of course, baby! But I will miss you..."
What's worse than the Holocaust?
Winning the jackpot in two separate lotteries at the same time.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If I win this lottery I'd give half to charity
She treated me well at the s**... club
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I told the boys at the pub that the first thing I will do if I win the lottery is buy a couple of rounds...
of ammunition to keep all you losers away.
What's the difference between the Denver Broncos and a lottery ticket
One has a better chance of getting struck by lightning than winning, the other is a lottery ticket
Might wake up early and go for a jog.
Might also win the lottery... odds are about the same.
My wife said "If we ever win the lottery, I want you to buy me something compact, shiny, and can go from 0 to 200 in three seconds. I figured why wait, so surprised her that night.....
... with a shiny new bathroom scale.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So a holocaust survivor wins the lottery...
So Moishe wins the lottery, reporters start asking this Holocaust survivor about his plans for the money. without hesitation he says he is going to commission a statue of adolf h**...... the reporters are stunned and ask why a survivor of such an atrocity would do such a thing. Moishe rolls up his sleeve - "he gave me the winning numbers"
Newfie joke of the day is window
I know lottery tickets are a waste of money, but I just might win-dow
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old man wins the lottery.
He goes to his synagogue, walks up to his rabbi and says "I want to donate 10 million dollars to the synagogue on one condition." the rabbi's eyes start to sparkle and he replies "Of course sir, whatever you wish we will do." The old man states "I want you to e**... a statue of Adolf h**... in your courtyard" The look in the rabbi's eyes turns to rage as he states "Why would you want us to commit this travesty to our people?" the old man shrugs, lifts up his sleeve and says "He gave me the winning numbers."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
[Offensive] One from the pub again: an old Jewish man wins the lottery...
It's a big old lottery, and he has to go up on stage to accept it.
His speech? He thanks his mum, his dad, his family, and then h**....
Everyone's all riled up. They ask: why h**...?
He rolls up his sleeve, flips his arm over, and tells the crowd: "Well, he gave me the numbers."
A man wins the lottery and is of course extremely excited. He rushes home and tells his wife of 48 years "Honey, pack your bags! I just won the lottery!" The wife says "oh my god! Where are we going??"
The husband replies "I don't know where you're going, just be outta here by 5"
Greg wins £25,000,000.00 in the nationally lottery and runs home
"Margret, I won the lottery, pack your bags", "why Greg, where are we going?". "I don't care, pack your bags and get out" says Greg.
A man comes home to his wife after winning the lottery
The man says to his wife, "Honey, if I were to win the lottery, what would you do?"
The wife becomes started by her husband's inquiry but replies, "Well I would take half of it and then leave you."
With a huge grin on his face, her husband says, "Perfect! I won ten dollars!"
A religious old lady prayed everyday for wealth...
She had lived a life free of sin and had suffered greatly through no fault of her own. Every day she went to her local church and prayed:
"God, i have been all my life, please, let me win the lottery"
Every day for many years she did this, until one day, the church roof split open and a booming voice commanded:
"WELL AT LEAST MEET ME HALFWAY AND BUY A TICKET!"
Having depression is a lot like winning the lottery!
I'm heavily taxed and don't want to tell my family.
If you were to choose between winning the big lottery prize and your wife
what car would you buy?
Whats the difference between a man buying a lottery ticket and a man arguing with his wife?
The man buying a lottery ticket actually has a chance of winning.
A Man Wins the Lottery
A man wins the lottery and calls his wife.
Honey, I have good news and bad news.
The wife, having no idea of what could be going on says, Combine them.
The man thinks for a second and says, My new wife and I just won the lottery!
A guy prays to god. please let me win the lottery .
Nothing happens and the next week he prays again I really need the money, please let me win the lottery .
Another week passes and still nothing so he goes to the top of a mountain and screams out if I don't win the lottery, I'm going to jump! . And then he hears a booming voice...
Buy a ticket!
Winning the lottery
Wife: Do you think we'll win the lottery this week? Other people win it all the time, so why can't we?
Husband: Sure, we have as good a chance of winning as the winners do.
Harry prays to God:
Dear lord, please make me win the lottery.
The next day Harry begs the lord again: please God, make me win the lottery!
The next day Harry begs the lord yet again: please, please dear lord, make me win the lottery!
Then suddenly he hears a voice from above: Harry, would you kindly go and buy yourself a lottery ticket?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two old Jews, sitting on a park bench ...
The one old guys says, "Simon, you just won the lottery! What are you going to do with all that money?"
Simon replies, "Well, I was thinking of going back to the old country and putting up a big statue in the town square."
"That sounds nice. A statue of whom?"
"I'm going to put up a big statue of Adolph h**...."
"WHAT?? Are you meshuggeneh!!?? He killed 6 million Jews!! Why on Earth would you put up a statue of h**...???"
"Oh, I owe everything to h**...! Look ... [rolls up his sleeve] ... he gave me the winning numbers!"
Someone told me Im more likely to die from a lightning strike while on the way to buying a lottery ticket than actually winning the lottery.
Either way I hit the jackpot.
What does winning the lottery and getting a girlfriend have in common?
A handsome cashier tore up my chances.
Walked into the house, with winning scratch off ticket in hand..
Me: Honey! It finally happened! we won the lottery!
Wife: Great I'll take my half and pack my bags.
Me: Your $8 is on the suitcase.
If you could choose between Enlightenment and winning the lottery, which would you pick?
If you choose the Lottery at least you'll have someone to spend it on..
To my high school teacher who said I'd never amount to anything...
Please use your psychic gift to tell me next week's winning lottery numbers. My mum will kick me out of her basement if I don't pay the rent I owe!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a man who smokes w**... who's trying win the lottery.
High hopes
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
You should buy a lottery ticket.
Because you got greater chances of winning than getting laid.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I feel about s**... the same way I feel about winning the lottery
Some thing good that happens to other people
Did you guys know that there's a 50/50 percent to win the lottery?
Either it happens or it doesn't
Someone asked me if you could never lie ever again, but you will win a massive lottery tomorrow, would you?
I said Yes, that's the most honest money I'm ever make.
Both my mother and father had heart attacks and died after winning the lottery...
I was their only child, so I wrote McDonald's a thank-you letter.
If I were ever to win the lottery, first thing I'd do is hire someone to clean my kids room...
and then buy some chicken wings with the $20 I have left over.
A man who just won £100m on the lottery is being interviewed on TV news.
Interviewer : What are you planning to do with your winnings?
Winner : I'm going to spend half of it on expensive sports cars, women of dubious morals, strong drink, drugs and gambling.
Interviewer : And what will you do with the other half?
Winner : I'll probably just waste it.
If I win the lottery, I'm going to give all the money to charity.
After all, she's my favourite dancer down at the Jiggly Hut.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
In class, my statistics teacher said, "The lottery is a tax on fools who can't do math."
I shrugged and said, "h**..., anybody can win the lottery."
My statistics teacher smirked, folded his arms and asked, "Do you even know the chances of a person winning the lottery?"
I said, "Yep. 100%. A person always wins."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I keep thinking about doing the lottery...
But I don't think I'd have the b**... to win it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three men found a genie lamp that grants the opposite of what is wished
The first man wishes that he would win the lottery. He buys his first ticket, and loses, buys his second ticket, and loses. Every week the man dumped his savings into lottery tickets, until he was completely broke.
The second man wishes for a healthy and long life. He decides to a**... his wish by smoking and drinking as much as he wanted. Five years later he died of complications related to his lifestyle.
The third man wishes for a beautiful and intelligent woman, that he could build a happy family with.
And that, kids, is how I met your mother.
A man wins big...
*pardon if this is a repost*
A gig worker hits a convenience store on the way home, and buys some juice, a sausage croissant, and a scratcher. Once outside he scratches the card, and wins $400 dollars. The guy collects his winnings and heads home.
When he arrives, he asks his wife "What would you do if I won the lottery?"
She replies "I'd take half the money and leave you."
"Great! I just won $200 tonight, here's $100 -- enjoy your half."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two girls from Thailand asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.
They said that it would be like winning the Lottery.
To my horror they were right, we had six matching b**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two h**... were sipping shine on the front porch
When a truck went passed loaded up with rolls of sod.
I'm a-gonna do that when I win that there lottery announced h**... #1.
Do wuuuut? Asked h**... #2.
Send my lawn out to git mowed.
I don't know why people bad mouth lotteries.
I pay taxes and odds of winning the lottery are way better than the odds of getting good government.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old rabbi wins the lottery
The man wins $3,000,000.00
A reporter from the local TV station comes to interview him at his house
She asks him, "Congratulations on your winning! What do you plan to do with the money?"
The old rabbi answers, "I'm giving $1,000,000 to a Jewish charity, $1,000,000 to my family, and $1,000,000 to the n**...."
The reporter, stunned beyond belief, asks the old Jewish rabbi, "Why on earth would you give money to the n**...?"
The old rabbi lifts up his sleeve, exposing his arm and says, "They gave me my lucky numbers."
A man prayed to God his entire life to win the lottery.
A man prayed to God every day for 65 years. He prayed in the morning, at lunchtime, in the evening and just before he went to sleep.
The man passed away and went to heaven. The man was rather upset with the Lord and sought him out.
When the man found the Lord, he said "I've been praying 65 years. Every day when I woke up, ate my lunch, had my dinner in the evening and just before I went to sleep. How come I never won??"
And the Lord said, "IT WOULD HAVE HELPED IF YOU BOUGHT A TICKET!"
A man keeps praying to God to please let him win the lottery...
He prays every day for years... and years... and years!! He even got his church to pray for him with diligent prayer warriors.
One day he angrily shouts at God, why won't you hear my effing prayer..!!???
God answers, why don't you go buy an effing ticket..??!!
A man goes to pray to a statue of an angel at his church
"Please, please, please, let me win the lottery"
Then at least twice a day, if not more often, he goes to church, kneels for the statue and prays:
"Please, please, please, let me win the lottery"
Then, after years of this, a miracle! The statue springs to life in an aura of light and heavenly music and then bends over, looks the man in the face and speaks:
"Please, please, PLEASE buy a lottery ticket!"