The Best 76 Lottery Jokes
Following is our collection of funniest Lottery jokes. There are some lottery lucky jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these lottery euros puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Funny Lottery Jokes and Puns
I just won the Polish Lottery.....
$1.00 a year for a million years.
Caught Short
Two dwarfs have just won the lottery, so they go out and hire two prostitutes and two hotel rooms. The first dwarf tries desperately all night to get an erection, but all he can hear from the next room is, 'One, two, three, huh!'. This goes on all night.
The next morning, the second dwarf asks, 'So how did it go?'. The first dwarf replies, 'Shit, I couldn't get an erection. How was your night?'. The second dwarf turns round and replies, 'Even worse, I couldn't even get on the bed.'
A man comes home from work
and tells his wife "Pack your bags, I just hit the lottery." His wife says "Oh that's wonderful. Should I pack for the mountains or the beach?" He says "I don't care. Just get out."
A man comes home...
...and asks his wife, "What would you do if told you I just won the lottery?"
She says, "Well, I'd divorce you, take my half and move across the country."
He says, "Fair enough. Here's $10 of the $20 I won, now get out."
Did you hear about the guy who blew his entire lottery winnings on a limousine?
He had nothing left to chauffeur it.
Did you hear about the testicular cancer survivor who won the lottery?
...when he found out, the guy went nut.
My farmer grandpa died this time last year. This was his favourite joke...
My grandpa who lived on a farm always used to say that if he won the lottery he would buy Disneyland, bulldoze it to the ground and plant crops...because he's used to struggling.
I hope this made you smile as much as he made me smile.
What do they call the lottery in Africa?
Celebrity adoption.
1st thing to do when you win the lottery
A man bursts through his front door with a look of excitement on his face. He runs to his wife.
"Honey, pack your bags. I just won the lottery!" he exclaims.
"Oh, that's wonderful!" she claps her hands, "where are we going?"
"I don't care where you go, just make sure you're out of here by tomorrow morning."
Irish lawnmower
Paddy was waiting at the bus stop with Mick when a truck went by loaded with rolls of turf.
I gonna do that when I win the lottery, says Paddy.
What's dat? says Mick.
Send me lawn away to be cut, says Paddy.
edit;typing
A blonde finds herself in serious money trouble...
Lost her job and she's in dire financial straits.
She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my job and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."
Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.
She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my job, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my job, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.
The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself...."Sweetheart, work with Me on this.... Buy a ticket."
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Guy comes home and says to his wife, "Pack your bags! I just won the lottery!"
She jumps for joy and asks, "Where are we going?!?"
He says, "I'm not going anywhere. You're outta here!"
So, I hit the lottery for two million dollars.....
The first thing I did was to call my wife. I tell her I hit the lottery for two million dollars, pack your bags. She asks me "should I pack for cold weather or warm".
I told her that I didn't care, just be out by the time I get home.
A man wins the lottery...
A man wins a substantial amount of money on the lottery and tells his girlfriend "I've just won the lottery! Quickly, pack your things!"
"Oh my god, oh my god!! Where are we going?!" she exclaims.
The man replies, "Who said I was going anywhere?"
A husband and wife are arguing...
"What would you do if I won the lottery?" he demands.
"I'd take half the money and be gone so fast you'd be dizzy," she replies.
"My scratch ticket won ten bucks. Here's five. Let me get the door."
Winning the lottery
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'
An old married couple wins 10 million dollars from the lottery.
"What shall we do with all these letters begging for money?" the woman asks her husband.
"Keep sending them!"
Honey, I just won the lottery!
-- Honey, I just won the lottery! Pack some suitcases!
-- That's fantastic! Should I pack summer or winter clothing?
-- I don't care, but I want you gone by tomorrow!
What's better than winning the lottery?
Winning it the day after your divorce comes through.
A man asks his wife: "Honey, what would you do if we won the lottery?"...
The wife replies: "Well, I would take half and divorce you."
"Oh, that's fine by me" the man replies "because we have won 24 Euro. Here is 12 Euro and now GTFO!"
My wife keeps on calling me "gullible" and "financially irresponsible".
I just can't wait to see her face when I tell her I won the Nigerian lottery.
I don't always feel like I won the genetic lottery, but when I do...
I'm at Wal-mart.
A woman hits the jackpot...
A guys wife comes home and says, "Pack your bags, honey, I just won the lottery!"
The guy says, "Great darling. Should I pack for the ocean or the mountains?"
She says, "I don't care, just get out!"
In honor of the Powerball
A man comes home one day and says, "Guess what honey? Pack your bags, I won the lottery!" The wife squeals with delight and says, "That's great! Should I pack for the mountains or the beach?" He says, "I don't care, just get out!"
A man runs home after winning the lottery
"Honey honey! We won the lottery! Pack your bags!"
"Oh my god that's amazing! Where are we going?!"
"I don't care, just get out!"
My wife said "If we ever win the lottery, I want you to buy me something compact, shiny, and can go from 0 to 200 in three seconds. I figured why wait, so surprised her that night.....
... with a shiny new bathroom scale.
My girlfriend asked me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?"
And I answered: "Of course! I'd miss you, but I still love you"
A man wins the lottery...
A man wins the lottery, jumps in to his car and goes home in a hurry, screeching in to his driveway. He leaps out and runs in to his house and yells to his wife upstairs "I've won the lottery! I've won the lottery! Quick, pack up your suitcase, I've won the lottery!" His wife is yells down "Woohoo! Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?" The husband replies "I don't care, just get out!"
God finally answer my prayers for winning the $15 million lottery.
The answer is no.
People are like lottery tickets.
You can point to a random one, say it's a loser, and you'll be right most of the time.
So a holocaust survivor wins the lottery...
So Moishe wins the lottery, reporters start asking this Holocaust survivor about his plans for the money. without hesitation he says he is going to commission a statue of adolf Hitler... the reporters are stunned and ask why a survivor of such an atrocity would do such a thing. Moishe rolls up his sleeve - "he gave me the winning numbers"
Me: What would you do if we won the lottery? Wife: I would take my half, leave you and live happily by myself.
Me: Promise?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Great, we won a 100 Pounds, here's your 50. Pack your bags.
And that's when the fight started…
Husband: What would you do if i won the lottery?
Wife: I'd take half and leave.
Husband: Well here's $6 and you can start packing anytime now.
Lottery
A woman rushed home from work and exclaimed to her husband, "Pack your bags, I've won the lottery!"
The husband excitedly asks, "Should I pack clothes for cold or warm weather?"
She says, "Pack'em all, you're leaving!"
- Honey, what would you do if I won the lottery?
- I would take half of it and leave you.
- Ok, here's your $10
Greg wins £25,000,000.00 in the nationally lottery and runs home
"Margret, I won the lottery, pack your bags", "why Greg, where are we going?". "I don't care, pack your bags and get out" says Greg.
If I ever win the lottery, I'm going to share it with everyone.
Not the money, just going to let you know that I've won.
A man comes home to his wife after winning the lottery
The man says to his wife, "Honey, if I were to win the lottery, what would you do?"
The wife becomes started by her husband's inquiry but replies, "Well I would take half of it and then leave you."
With a huge grin on his face, her husband says, "Perfect! I won ten dollars!"
A religious old lady prayed everyday for wealth...
She had lived a life free of sin and had suffered greatly through no fault of her own. Every day she went to her local church and prayed:
"God, i have been all my life, please, let me win the lottery"
Every day for many years she did this, until one day, the church roof split open and a booming voice commanded:
"WELL AT LEAST MEET ME HALFWAY AND BUY A TICKET!"
It irritates me that I never win the lottery
Maybe I should start buying lottery tickets.
Today these things happened:
1. I woke up
2. I went to 7/11
3. I won the lottery
4. I bought a Lamborghini
real order: 2,3,4,1
My wife died and I won the lottery.
The genie says I have one wish left.
A man run homes excitedly, burst open the front door and yells to his wife "Honey! I won the lottery, pack your bags!" The wife excitedly jumps up hand grabs her suitcase and begins throwing clothes in it. She says "Ohmygod, that's amazing! Where should I pack for?"
The man replies " I don't care! Just get out!"
My wife asked if I would divorce her if I won the lottery. I said no, of course.
With that kind of money, I could afford a hit man.
Whats the difference between a man buying a lottery ticket and a man arguing with his wife?
The man buying a lottery ticket actually has a chance of winning.
I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.
Now I have $2,999,999.75.
I was at my divorce settlement yesterday, when I announced I would like to make a suggestion...
They agreed, so I told them, "She can have the car, the house, all the funds in our joint account and full custody of our children on one condition... I get to keep whatever I have in my pocket."
"It's a deal!" my wife said, with a smug look on her face.
"You obviously didn't check the lottery numbers last night, did you?"
A Man Wins the Lottery
A man wins the lottery and calls his wife.
Honey, I have good news and bad news.
The wife, having no idea of what could be going on says, Combine them.
The man thinks for a second and says, My new wife and I just won the lottery!
A guy prays to god. please let me win the lottery .
Nothing happens and the next week he prays again I really need the money, please let me win the lottery .
Another week passes and still nothing so he goes to the top of a mountain and screams out if I don't win the lottery, I'm going to jump! . And then he hears a booming voice...
Buy a ticket!
I bought a lottery ticket on the way home on Valentine's Day...
...at least now I have a chance of getting lucky.
An 18 year old in America is allowed to buy an AR-15, vote, enlist in the army, buy cigarettes, get a lottery ticket, and die for their country...
...but god FORBID they try to rent a car.
A stupid person buys a lottery ticket for $1
To his delight, he won a million dollars. Going forward to claim his prize, he was informed that he will be paid in $1000 instalments. Appalled and shocked, he shouted to the register, give me my million dollars or give me my $1 back
If a man wins the lotto...
Man- What would you do if I won the lottery?
Woman- Take half and leave!
Man- Well, I won 20 bucks, here's 10, now get out!
If you find $60-80 to be too expensive for ancestry DNA kits, I have a cheap alternative...
Announce that you won the lottery and you'll quickly find relatives you never knew you had!
States would make a lot more revenue if they taxed people who don't understand math or basic probability.
Oh wait. I forgot about the lottery.
My wife came home, shouting "pack your bags! I won the lottery!"
"That's great honey! Where are we going?" "We?"
Did you hear about the Vietnamese man who won the lottery and was reunited with his lost dog on the very same day?
It was a Nguyen- Nguyen situation.
At breakfast, a man asked his wife What would you do I if won the lottery? She replied, I'd take half, and then leave you.
Great, he said I won $12 yesterday. Here's $6. Stay in touch.
To my high school teacher who said I'd never amount to anything...
Please use your psychic gift to tell me next week's winning lottery numbers. My mum will kick me out of her basement if I don't pay the rent I owe!
I just won 10 million dollars from a lottery ticket. I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.
Those were the proudest 25 cents I ever donated.
My wife and I had a huge argument last week. She called me gullible and financially irresponsible.
I can't wait to see the look on her face when I tell her I just won the Nigerian lottery!
A man wins the lottery
He bursts into his bedroom and screams to his wife WOW, I won! I finally won the lottery! Pack your bags quick . The woman all excited replied should I pack for cold or hot weather? To which the man said I don't care as long as you are out of my house by noon
A farmer wins the lottery
A reporter asks him: " What are you going to do with the money?"
He says: "I'm just going to keep on farming until it is all gone.
If I win the lottery, I'm going to give all the money to charity.
After all, she's my favourite dancer down at the Jiggly Hut.
In class, my statistics teacher said, "The lottery is a tax on fools who can't do math."
I shrugged and said, "Hell, anybody can win the lottery."
My statistics teacher smirked, folded his arms and asked, "Do you even know the chances of a person winning the lottery?"
I said, "Yep. 100%. A person always wins."
I keep thinking about doing the lottery...
But I don't think I'd have the balls to win it.
My wife likes to say marrying me was like winning the lottery...
I like to remind her that most lottery winners blow their winnings.
Three bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face.
The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened...
"Well, the first body is a Frenchman, who had a heart attack while making love to his mistress, hence the smile." says the coroner.
Second body's a Scotsman, 25, won the lottery and spent all his money on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
"Ah!" says the coroner. "This is the most unusual one. Sean, the Irishman, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is *he* smiling then?"
"He thought he was having his picture taken."
*My grandfather told me this one as a kid so I hope you enjoyed!*
I always wanted to won the lottery, like my father.
-Your father won the lottery?
-No, but he wanted too.
A man turns to his wife and says: "Honey, pack your bags because I won the lottery."
She asks: "Do I take summer clothes or winter clothes?"
He replies: "Take it all, go away."
I won $3 million in the lottery last night, so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity....
Now I have $2,999,999.75.
Two girls from Thailand asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.
They said that it would be like winning the Lottery.
To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.
A man asked his wife what she would do if he won the lottery
I would take my half and leave you , his wife said.
The man pondered for a minute before reaching into his pocket. He then handed his wife a $5 bill. She gave her husband a confused look and he said, I won 10 bucks on a scratch off today. See you around.
Lottery
A man comes home and says to his wife, 'Honey, what would you do if I won the lottery?' She turns to him and says, " I'd take half and leave your sorry ass.' He says, 'Oh, . . OK, well, I just won $10. Here's $5 now get the hell out.'
A man had just won big on lottery. Asked about what he'd do with the money, his immediate answer was to fix everything broken on his 2007 Chevrolet Malibu ...
"What about the rest of the money?" He was asked again.
"Well, I hope the bank can lend it to me."
I just won $1,000,000 from the lottery and I'm donating a quarter to charity!
Not sure what I'm going to do with the left over $999,999.75 though.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the lottery atrophy jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working lottery lottery blonde piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.