Lottery Jokes
163 lottery jokes and hilarious lottery puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about lottery that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Experience the best of the lottery world with a good laugh! In this article, enjoy a collection of jokes about lottery tickets, luck, bumper lotteries, roulette, and prizes. Get ready for a good chuckle!
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Funniest Lottery Short Jokes
Short lottery jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The lottery humour may include short lotto jokes also.
- At breakfast, a man asked his wife What would you do I if won the lottery? She replied, I'd take half, and then leave you. Great, he said I won $12 yesterday. Here's $6. Stay in touch.
- My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again. MAN, I sure am LUCKY!
I mean, first I win the lottery and now THIS!!! - I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75.
- If you find $60-80 to be too expensive for ancestry DNA kits, I have a cheap alternative... Announce that you won the lottery and you'll quickly find relatives you never knew you had!
- Astronaut found out he won the lottery while he was in space Apparently when he found out he was over the moon
- My wife and I had a huge argument last week. She called me gullible and financially irresponsible. I can't wait to see the look on her face when I tell her I just won the Nigerian lottery!
- My girlfriend asked me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?" And I answered: "Of course! I'd miss you, but I still love you"
- I won $3,000,000 from a lottery and donated one quarter of it to charity Now I have $2,999,999.75
- My wife likes to say marrying me was like winning the lottery... I like to remind her that most lottery winners blow their winnings.
- A man runs home after winning the lottery "Honey honey! We won the lottery! Pack your bags!"
"Oh my god that's amazing! Where are we going?!"
"I don't care, just get out!"
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Lottery One Liners
Which lottery one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with lottery? I can suggest the ones about gambling and raffle.
- God finally answer my prayers for winning the $15 million lottery. The answer is no.
- My wife died and I won the lottery. The genie says I have one wish left.
- I don't always feel like I won the genetic lottery, but when I do... I'm at Wal-mart.
- I just won the Polish Lottery..... $1.00 a year for a million years.
- How do you complete a family tree easily? Post on social media that you won the lottery.
- It irritates me that I never win the lottery Maybe I should start buying lottery tickets.
- What do they call the lottery in Africa? Celebrity adoption.
- Eskimo lottery You've got to be Inuit to win it
- What are the chances you win the lottery? 1/2 because your either win or you don't.
- The Lottery Is a voluntary tax for the mathematically challenged.
- What is Tony Romo's favorite lottery game? Pick Six
- What did the woman who won the lottery get? Lotto money.
- What's the chances of winning the Mexican lottery? Juan in a million.
- What do you call an AI that wins the lottery? Jackbot.
- Why did the lottery winner want to stay homeless? He was home-a phobic.
Winning The Lottery Jokes
Here is a list of funny winning the lottery jokes and even better winning the lottery puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- If I ever win the lottery, I'm going to share it with everyone. Not the money, just going to let you know that I've won.
- If I ever win the lottery I'll give some of the money to charity. .....And if she isn't dancing that night I'll give some Destiny
- A Jewish couple win the lottery... The wife asks Isaac - what are going to do about all the begging letters?
Isaac says We keep sending them! - What's better than winning the lottery? Winning it the day after your divorce comes through.
- Did you hear about the guy who blew his entire lottery winnings on a limousine? He had nothing left to chauffeur it.
- A farmer wins the lottery A reporter asks him: " What are you going to do with the money?"
He says: "I'm just going to keep on farming until it is all gone. - Meeting my wife was like winning the lottery… …because 3 years later I was completely broke
- If I win the lottery, I'm going to give all the money to charity. After all, she's my favourite dancer down at the Jiggly Hut.
- Greg wins £25,000,000.00 in the nationally lottery and runs home "Margret, I won the lottery, pack your bags", "why Greg, where are we going?". "I don't care, pack your bags and get out" says Greg.
- Whats the difference between a man buying a lottery ticket and a man arguing with his wife? The man buying a lottery ticket actually has a chance of winning.
Lottery Win Jokes
Here is a list of funny lottery win jokes and even better lottery win puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- An old married couple wins 10 million dollars from the lottery. "What shall we do with all these letters begging for money?" the woman asks her husband.
"Keep sending them!" - I don't know why people bad mouth lotteries. I pay taxes and odds of winning the lottery are way better than the odds of getting good government.
- Someone told me Im more likely to die from a lightning strike while on the way to buying a lottery ticket than actually winning the lottery. Either way I hit the jackpot.
- If I were ever to win the lottery, first thing I'd do is hire someone to clean my kids room... and then buy some chicken wings with the $20 I have left over.
- If you were to choose between winning the big lottery prize and your wife what car would you buy?
- What's the difference between the Denver Broncos and a lottery ticket One has a better chance of getting struck by lightning than winning, the other is a lottery ticket
- Having depression is a lot like winning the lottery! I'm heavily taxed and don't want to tell my family.
- Newfie joke of the day is window I know lottery tickets are a waste of money, but I just might win-dow
- Why did the former fitter turned baker enter the lottery? To win dough.
- Capitalism is like the lottery. Every body believe they will win, but only few do.
Winning Lottery Jokes
Here is a list of funny winning lottery jokes and even better winning lottery puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Might wake up early and go for a jog. Might also win the lottery... odds are about the same.
- How come you never see a headline like "Psychic Wins Lottery"
- Ever wonder why You never see the headline. Physic wins the lottery.
- Both my mother and father had heart attacks and died after winning the lottery... I was their only child, so I wrote McDonald's a thank-you letter.
- If you could choose between Enlightenment and winning the lottery, which would you pick? If you choose the Lottery at least you'll have someone to spend it on..
- Someone asked me if you could never lie ever again, but you will win a massive lottery tomorrow, would you? I said Yes, that's the most honest money I'm ever make.
- Did you guys know that there's a 50/50 percent to win the lottery? Either it happens or it doesn't
- What does winning the lottery and getting a girlfriend have in common? A handsome cashier tore up my chances.
- Winning the lottery Wife: Do you think we'll win the lottery this week? Other people win it all the time, so why can't we?
Husband: Sure, we have as good a chance of winning as the winners do. - A blind man wins the lottery for 10 million dollars... I bet he didn't see that coming
Lottery Ticket Jokes
Here is a list of funny lottery ticket jokes and even better lottery ticket puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- People are like lottery tickets. You can point to a random one, say it's a loser, and you'll be right most of the time.
- I just won $10 in the lottery The lottery boy came and wanted to sell me a $10 lottery ticket.
I said no. - I bought a lottery ticket on the way home on Valentine's Day... ...at least now I have a chance of getting lucky.
- whenever i think about buying a lottery ticket i think about my ex and remember i don't know how to pick winners.
- My girlfriend is like a lottery ticket. I keep getting my hopes up, yet she always lets me down.
- What are lottery tickets made from? Scratch
- What do you do when a baby boomer admits they were wrong? Buy a lottery ticket
- I used to buy lottery tickets every day. Then I realised I could watch it for free on TV!
- I recently was told that a deceased relative left me with a piece of their property that's potentially worth millions of dollars: a lottery ticket.
- What did Daft Punk say when they stayed up until midnight if their lottery ticket won? We're up all night to get lucky.
Ridiculous Lottery Jokes to Spark Fun and Laughter
What funny jokes about lottery you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean roulette jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make lottery pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Caught Short
Two dwarfs have just won the lottery, so they go out and hire two prostitutes and two hotel rooms. The first dwarf tries desperately all night to get an e**..., but all he can hear from the next room is, 'One, two, three, huh!'. This goes on all night.
The next morning, the second dwarf asks, 'So how did it go?'. The first dwarf replies, 'Shit, I couldn't get an e**.... How was your night?'. The second dwarf turns round and replies, 'Even worse, I couldn't even get on the bed.'
Did you hear about the testicular cancer survivor who won the lottery?
...when he found out, the guy went nut.
My farmer grandpa died this time last year. This was his favourite joke...
My grandpa who lived on a farm always used to say that if he won the lottery he would buy Disneyland, bulldoze it to the ground and plant crops...because he's used to struggling.
I hope this made you smile as much as he made me smile.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Irish lawnmower
p**... was waiting at the bus stop with m**... when a truck went by loaded with rolls of turf.
I gonna do that when I win the lottery, says p**....
What's dat? says m**....
Send me lawn away to be cut, says p**....
edit;typing
A blonde finds herself in serious money trouble...
Lost her job and she's in dire financial straits.
She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my job and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."
Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.
She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my job, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my job, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.
The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself...."Sweetheart, work with Me on this.... Buy a ticket."
So, I hit the lottery for two million dollars.....
The first thing I did was to call my wife. I tell her I hit the lottery for two million dollars, pack your bags. She asks me "should I pack for cold weather or warm".
I told her that I didn't care, just be out by the time I get home.
A man wins the lottery...
A man wins a substantial amount of money on the lottery and tells his girlfriend "I've just won the lottery! Quickly, pack your things!"
"Oh my god, oh my god!! Where are we going?!" she exclaims.
The man replies, "Who said I was going anywhere?"
Two Cajuns were waiting at the bus stop when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of turf.
Boudreaux said, "I'm a'gonna do dat when I win da lottery!"
"What's dat?" asks Thibodeaux.
"Send da lawn off to be mowed."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man asks his wife: "Honey, what would you do if we won the lottery?"...
The wife replies: "Well, I would take half and divorce you."
"Oh, that's fine by me" the man replies "because we have won 24 Euro. Here is 12 Euro and now g**...!"
What's the difference between a person that just won the lottery and a fairy in salt water?
One is tickled pink, the other is a pickled Tink.
In honor of the Powerball
A man comes home one day and says, "Guess what honey? Pack your bags, I won the lottery!" The wife squeals with delight and says, "That's great! Should I pack for the mountains or the beach?" He says, "I don't care, just get out!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I told the boys at the pub that the first thing I will do if I win the lottery is buy a couple of rounds...
of ammunition to keep all you losers away.
My wife said "If we ever win the lottery, I want you to buy me something compact, shiny, and can go from 0 to 200 in three seconds. I figured why wait, so surprised her that night.....
... with a shiny new bathroom scale.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So a holocaust survivor wins the lottery...
So Moishe wins the lottery, reporters start asking this Holocaust survivor about his plans for the money. without hesitation he says he is going to commission a statue of adolf h**...... the reporters are stunned and ask why a survivor of such an atrocity would do such a thing. Moishe rolls up his sleeve - "he gave me the winning numbers"
Me: What would you do if we won the lottery? Wife: I would take my half, leave you and live happily by myself.
Me: Promise?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Great, we won a 100 Pounds, here's your 50. Pack your bags.
And that's when the fight started…
What would you do if you won the lottery?
Two friends meet together and one asks:
What would you do if you won the lottery?
-I would build a brothel!
Oh, and if it went wrong and you loose money?
-I'd open it to the public
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
[Offensive] One from the pub again: an old Jewish man wins the lottery...
It's a big old lottery, and he has to go up on stage to accept it.
His speech? He thanks his mum, his dad, his family, and then h**....
Everyone's all riled up. They ask: why h**...?
He rolls up his sleeve, flips his arm over, and tells the crowd: "Well, he gave me the numbers."
I won 300 million dollars in the lottery and decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.
They sent me a letter saying "thank you for your 25 cent donation".
A man wins the lottery and is of course extremely excited. He rushes home and tells his wife of 48 years "Honey, pack your bags! I just won the lottery!" The wife says "oh my god! Where are we going??"
The husband replies "I don't know where you're going, just be outta here by 5"
A man comes home to his wife after winning the lottery
The man says to his wife, "Honey, if I were to win the lottery, what would you do?"
The wife becomes started by her husband's inquiry but replies, "Well I would take half of it and then leave you."
With a huge grin on his face, her husband says, "Perfect! I won ten dollars!"
I bought a Lottery ticket today
Sven: "Ollie I bought a Lottery ticket today."
Ollie: "It looks like it has six numbers on it. 29, 4, 42, 11, 35, 36."
Sven: "What are the odds?"
Ollie: "29, 11, 35."
A religious old lady prayed everyday for wealth...
She had lived a life free of sin and had suffered greatly through no fault of her own. Every day she went to her local church and prayed:
"God, i have been all my life, please, let me win the lottery"
Every day for many years she did this, until one day, the church roof split open and a booming voice commanded:
"WELL AT LEAST MEET ME HALFWAY AND BUY A TICKET!"
Today these things happened:
1. I woke up
2. I went to 7/11
3. I won the lottery
4. I bought a Lamborghini
real order: 2,3,4,1
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife asked if I would divorce her if I won the lottery. I said no, of course.
With that kind of money, I could afford a hit man.
I used to be a flat earther, until I won the lottery...
After all, money makes the world go round!
I was at my divorce settlement yesterday, when I announced I would like to make a suggestion...
They agreed, so I told them, "She can have the car, the house, all the funds in our joint account and full custody of our children on one condition... I get to keep whatever I have in my pocket."
"It's a deal!" my wife said, with a smug look on her face.
"You obviously didn't check the lottery numbers last night, did you?"
A Man Wins the Lottery
A man wins the lottery and calls his wife.
Honey, I have good news and bad news.
The wife, having no idea of what could be going on says, Combine them.
The man thinks for a second and says, My new wife and I just won the lottery!
A guy prays to god. please let me win the lottery .
Nothing happens and the next week he prays again I really need the money, please let me win the lottery .
Another week passes and still nothing so he goes to the top of a mountain and screams out if I don't win the lottery, I'm going to jump! . And then he hears a booming voice...
Buy a ticket!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An 18 year old in America is allowed to buy an AR-15, vote, enlist in the army, buy cigarettes, get a lottery ticket, and die for their country...
...but god FORBID they try to rent a car.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A s**... person buys a lottery ticket for $1
To his delight, he won a million dollars. Going forward to claim his prize, he was informed that he will be paid in $1000 instalments. Appalled and shocked, he shouted to the register, give me my million dollars or give me my $1 back
Why do lottery winners always go bankrupt?
Because if they knew anything about managing money, they wouldn't be playing the lotto in the first place!
- Anthony Jeselneck
Harry prays to God:
Dear lord, please make me win the lottery.
The next day Harry begs the lord again: please God, make me win the lottery!
The next day Harry begs the lord yet again: please, please dear lord, make me win the lottery!
Then suddenly he hears a voice from above: Harry, would you kindly go and buy yourself a lottery ticket?
States would make a lot more revenue if they taxed people who don't understand math or basic probability.
Oh wait. I forgot about the lottery.
Walked into the house, with winning scratch off ticket in hand..
Me: Honey! It finally happened! we won the lottery!
Wife: Great I'll take my half and pack my bags.
Me: Your $8 is on the suitcase.
Did you hear about the Vietnamese man who won the lottery and was reunited with his lost dog on the very same day?
It was a Nguyen- Nguyen situation.
To my high school teacher who said I'd never amount to anything...
Please use your psychic gift to tell me next week's winning lottery numbers. My mum will kick me out of her basement if I don't pay the rent I owe!
My son asked me if I would buy him a new bike.
I said: "Son, if you really want something in life you have to work for it."
Then I told him to be quiet because they were just about to announce the lottery numbers
A man who just won £100m on the lottery is being interviewed on TV news.
Interviewer : What are you planning to do with your winnings?
Winner : I'm going to spend half of it on expensive sports cars, women of dubious morals, strong drink, drugs and gambling.
Interviewer : And what will you do with the other half?
Winner : I'll probably just waste it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
In class, my statistics teacher said, "The lottery is a tax on fools who can't do math."
I shrugged and said, "h**..., anybody can win the lottery."
My statistics teacher smirked, folded his arms and asked, "Do you even know the chances of a person winning the lottery?"
I said, "Yep. 100%. A person always wins."
People who won the lottery, where do you live?
* asking for a friend... best friend.... family almost
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I keep thinking about doing the lottery...
But I don't think I'd have the b**... to win it.
Three bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face.
The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened...
"Well, the first body is a Frenchman, who had a heart attack while making love to his mistress, hence the smile." says the coroner.
Second body's a Scotsman, 25, won the lottery and spent all his money on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
"Ah!" says the coroner. "This is the most unusual one. Sean, the Irishman, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is *he* smiling then?"
"He thought he was having his picture taken."
*My grandfather told me this one as a kid so I hope you enjoyed!*
I always wanted to won the lottery, like my father.
-Your father won the lottery?
-No, but he wanted too.
A man turns to his wife and says: "Honey, pack your bags because I won the lottery."
She asks: "Do I take summer clothes or winter clothes?"
He replies: "Take it all, go away."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two girls from Thailand asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.
They said that it would be like winning the Lottery.
To my horror they were right, we had six matching b**....
A man had just won big on lottery. Asked about what he'd do with the money, his immediate answer was to fix everything broken on his 2007 chevrolet Malibu ...
"What about the rest of the money?" He was asked again.
"Well, I hope the bank can lend it to me."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two h**... were sipping shine on the front porch
When a truck went passed loaded up with rolls of sod.
I'm a-gonna do that when I win that there lottery announced h**... #1.
Do wuuuut? Asked h**... #2.
Send my lawn out to git mowed.
You don't need an Ancestry DNA kit to find out who your relatives are.
Just tell everyone that you've won the lottery.
3 farmers.
3 farmers were sitting at the local cafe drinking coffee. The subject of the lottery and what they would do if they won came up.
"I think I would take some time off and go on a cruise. I've always wanted to go on a cruise." Said the first farmer.
"First thing I would do is buy a fancy sports car. I've always wanted a fast car." said the second farmer.
The third farmer was sitting quietly, fidgeting a little. "Come on, what would you do with your millions?" Asked the other two farmers.
Reluctantly the third farmer answered "I reckon I would just go on farming like I have been until the money runs out"
