Lots Jokes
156 lots jokes and hilarious lots puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about lots that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Tired of the same old jokes, looking for something fresh? This article offers a wide range of jokes from all different genres, guaranteed to provide heaps of laughs. Whether you're in need of a few lot of chuckles, or a yummy joke to top off your night, "Lots Jokes" has you covered.
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Funniest Lots Short Jokes
Short lots jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The lots humour may include short slot jokes also.
- Please becareful on the road Lots of people are drinking excessively and having their wives drive
- Genie: Whats your first wish? Dave: I wish I was rich.
Genie: Granted, what's your second wish?
Rich: I want lots of money. - A lot of russian girls are trying to hook up with American guys online. But it's really just Putin trying to interfere with our erections.
- I need to re-home a dog. It's a small terrier, and tends to bark a lot. If you're interested, let me know and I'll jump over next door's fence and get it for you.
- We should use Hillary Clinton's emails to build a wall Because a lot of people can't seem to get over it.
- Dave rubs a magic lamp and the genie grants him 3 wishes Genie: what will be your first wish?
Dave: I want to be rich
Genie: Granted. What will be your second wish?
Rich: I want a lot of money - Kyle Rittenhouse has a lot of people to thank for his acquittal. I suggest he start with the prosecution.
- I've lost a lot of weight just by wearing bread on my head. It's a new loaf hat diet I'm trying.
- There are two kinds of people who care a lot about their exact age. Small children and 39 year old's.
- Lots of guys aren't too happy with getting a "dad bod" eventually in life. But I'd say im pretty excited for it Because it's the closest thing I'm gonna get to having a father figure in my life
Share These Lots Jokes With Friends
Lots One Liners
Which lots one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with lots? I can suggest the ones about roulette and tails.
- We should've known communism would fail. There were a lot of red flag.
- Q : With Britain leaving EU soon, how much space will be freed up?
A: 1 GB
- A lot of women actually turn into good drivers So if you're a good driver watch out.
- What happens when you put a lot of LGBT people in a long line? You get a LGBTQ.
- What does idk stand for? I've asked lots of people but nobody seems to know.
- I always say muchos to spanish people It means a lot to them
- Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me. It means a lot.
- I'm having a lot of difficulty with knitting Oops, wrong thread.
- If you talk to a Spanish speaker make sure to say "mucho" It means a lot to them.
- Conspiracy theories are a lot like moon landings. They're all fake
- "What makes you qualified to be a waiter" I feel like I bring a lot to the table
- I had to quit my vegetarian diet Turns out they're a lot harder to catch than cows.
- Why did the girl not want to date the communist? He was waving a lot of red flags.
- Thanos seems a lot like a pessimist to me Y'know, the 'universe half empty' kind of guy
- A lot of people don't like Mondays But 48 hours ago was a sadder day.
Big Lots Jokes
Here is a list of funny big lots jokes and even better big lots puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West... ...could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone...
- Star wars dad joke heard tonight Dad "Chewbacca seems kinda big for an ewok..."
Me "he's a wookie. "
Dad "he can't be, he's been in lots of movies now." - Our young son has been crying a lot at night, so my wife asked me to go out and get a baby monitor for him… But he seems even more freaked out now with the big lizard crawling all over him…
- I don't see what's the big deal about driverless cars. Every parking lot is full of them.
- I think a lot of the conflict that happened in the Wild West could've been avoided. had architects in those days just made their towns big enough for everyone.
- What's the best first name for a news anchor that breaks a lot of big stories? This: Justin.
- A lot of people make a big deal about age differences in couples. As far as I'm concerned a girl is fair game as soon as she's finished school. So usually at about 3:15
- Today my spice rack fell to the ground, making a big mess. I finished cleaning all the rosemary and sage so now I have a lot of thyme on my hands.
- I believe a lot of conflict in the west Could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone
- But painting a giant mural is going to cost us lots of money in the short term! Well, you've just gotta think about the big picture!
Lots Of Laugh Jokes
Here is a list of funny lots of laugh jokes and even better lots of laugh puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious that she thought her cat could understand her.
I came to my house and told my dog. We laughed a lot. - Why do gay people laugh a lot? Because they can never keep a straight face.
- Here's a joke my dad told me: What do you get when you cross mommy and daddy? A mistake
- I don't know what it means but Mom laughed really hard so it must be funny. Dad uses that joke a lot. - They say if a girl laughs a lot at your jokes it's a sign that she's into you Turns out I'm just really funny
- Talking to cats This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her.
I came into my house and told my dog... we laughed a lot. - One to find out if you are old is to fall down in front of lot of people. If they laugh, you are still young. If they panic and start running to you, you're old.
- Self-deprecation jokes are a lot like me. Both are dumb, pointless, and laughed at by everyone else.
- What's black and grey and rolls around in the parking lot of a McDonald's? Mr. T and a pigeon fighting over a french fry.
I know it's old but it always made me laugh. - No Joke I read lot of a Trump jokes here. Love them. But please, make sure you vote. #votethebastardsout Then we will all get the last laugh.
- I found a lot of Helium particles in a cave It was no laughing matter, however
Lots Of Jokes
Here is a list of funny lots of jokes and even better lots of puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- If I had a dollar for every gender there was... I'd have 2 dollars and a whole lot of counterfeits.
- My sense of humor is a lot like COVID Tasteless, not good for large groups, and anyone who gets it is pretty sick.
- A dad joke my science teacher told me a long time ago: Why are bacteria so bad at math?
Because they multiply by dividing.
RIP Miss Henn. Miss her lots. - My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it. She's gonna love this pack of playing cards.
- My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives... I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."
- If Snapchat has taught me anything .... .... it's that a lot of today's teens look better as farm animals.
- We should've known about the failure of communism In retrospect, there were a lot of red flags...
- My wife is pregnant with a boy and i want to call him Lance My wife said its such an uncommon name.
So i told her back in medievil days people were called Lance a lot - I broke up with my girlfriend because she was a communist. To be honest, there were a lot of red flags
- I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago. Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Howlingly Hilarious Lots Jokes for All Ages to Enjoy
What funny jokes about lots you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean bits jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make lots pranks.
If you find gold in Australia where should you look for silver?
**Ag**stralia
"I love you lots snuggles" said my girlfriend
"And I love you tons" I replied.
"Wow fine, you don't have a nickname for me?" She said angrily.
Sometimes I swear the fat c**...'s going deaf.
what do bad s**... and the heimlich maneuver have in common?
Both start out with lots of excitement, but then everyone is just relieved when its over
A man is taking his son to buy his first car...
The son spots an old, used cop car at one of the lots. "Dad! I want that! It would be so cool! Can I test drive the cop car?" The father replies: "No, son. I want your car to have working turn signals and an accurate speedometer."
Lots of Russian jokes recently, here is another one.
A boy sits on his couch and sees a newspaper there. Curious he picks it up and reads the front headline: "v**... Prices on the Rise." He shows this to his dad and says:
"Dad does this mean you are going to drink less?"
Dad: "No son, this means you are going to eat less."
A joke my Dad made up (says lots bout Dad): A philosopher and a nudist are at a beach resort...
The philosopher asks the nudist, "have you read marx? And the nudist replies, "why, yes! But I think it's the wicker chairs."
Three ladies meet up for a drink
Three ladies meet up for a drink once a week.
The first lady says: "The other night, when my boyfriend got in from work, I surprised him. I was standing in the hallway, wearing these tall leather boots, a corset, long black silk gloves, and lots of makeup. I looked him in the eye and said 'Hello there, big boy.' He grabbed me, flung me to the floor and we made love right there and then and it was AMAZING."
Next week they meet up again.
The second lady says to the first one: "I took a tip from you. The other night my fiance came home from work, and I was standing in the bedroom wearing high heels, a tiny skirt, a see-through top and heavy makeup. I said 'Hello there. Big Boy.' and he flung me on the bed and it was unbelievable! He was like a wild animal!"
The third lady, married for ten years and seeing things get a bit stale in the bedroom, decides she needs a piece of the action.
She dresses up in thigh high leather boots, a tiny black skirt, a cleavage-tastic corset, long black gloves and she puts on the sluttiest makeup job in the history of s**... makeup jobs. She waits in the kitchen, thinking that when hubby gets home he may do something really sordid like make love to her right there on the kitchen table.
Sure enough, he comes home and walks into the kitchen.
She looks him in the eye and says: "Hello there. Big Boy."
He looks back at her and says: "Hey Batman, what's for dinner?"
Why were hurricanes and tropical storms originally always given women's names?
Because when they first come along it's all wet and wild with lots of suckin and blowin, but by the time it's over and they leave - your house is gone, your boat's gone, your truck's gone...
Irish cream
The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Scotland. It was absolutely wonderful, It produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy. They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, So they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but no matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull. The people were very upset and decided to go to The Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice. " The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this Before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?" The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland . "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland ? The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye: "My wife is from Scotland "
Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?
Because sheep can hear the sound of a fly being undone.
(Recycled the joke from Mordecai Richler's "Barney's Version". It's a very good read with lots of content to laugh at if you have the time)
A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this...
'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'
She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."
So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"
Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"
Did you hear about those new corduroy pillowcases?
I'm surprised if you haven't, they're making lots of headlines.
What do you have to know to be an auctioneer?
Lots
Whatever you do, don't tell this joke to a math person; they will just make you upset
Bill is a giant nerd, and he knows that he isn't perceived as cool; in fact, lots of people call him a square. So, in an effort to be cool, he finds some cool guys and decides to go do everything he can with them.
They say, "Hey Bill, we're going to the bar. Want to come?"
He says, "Sure," and comes to the bar. They all order shots and beers. Bill doesn't want to be a square, so he orders shots and beers, and they all have a great time.
Next week, they call Bill up and tell him that they're going to a club. Bill comes along with them. They all start grinding on women and ordering tons of booze. Bill doesn't want to be a square, so he does the same and has a good time.
The next week, they call Bill up and tell him that they're going to a football game. Bill doesn't want to be a square, so he comes along. The guys are all cheering for their team enthusiastically, but Bill just sits quietly in his seat. Finally one of the guys says, "Bill, this isn't like you. Everything else we've done, you've joined in happily. Why won't you root for the team with us?"
Bill replies, "Well, I don't want to be a square. And rooting? Rooting is for squares."
A young accountant, straight out of uni, applies for a job...
...advertised in the Manchester Evening News. He is interviewed by the owner of a small business who has built it up from scratch. "I need someone with an accounting degree," says the man, "but mainly I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"How do you mean?" says the accountant. "I have lots of things to worry about, but I want someone else to worry about money matters."
"OK," says the accountant. "How much are you offering?"
"You can start on seventy-five thousand," says the owner.
"Seventy-five thousand pounds. How can a business like this afford to pay so much?"
"That," says the man, "is your first worry."
In and Out
(Part joke and part tongue-twister - lots of fun to tell out loud.)
Once upon a time, a mama skunk had twin baby skunks, who she named In and Out.
One day when they were just wee skunks, In and Out went out to play. At lunchtime, Mama Skunk poked her head out and called out, "In and Out, it's time to come in!"
After a few minutes, Out comes in. Mama looks at him and says, "Out, where is In? I just told you both to come in!"
Out says, "In is still out." So Mama tells him "Well Out, you go right back out, find In, and bring him in!" So Out goes out, and within just a minute he comes back in with In.
Mama Skunk is amazed. She says, "Out, how on earth did you find In so quickly?"
Out shrugs and says, "Instinks."
A man goes up to the leader of a circus
A man goes up to the circus, and says to the leader of the circus "I can do great bird impressions." The leader of the circus says "That's nothing special, lots of people can do great bird impressions, so get out of here"
The man says "ok" and flies away.
As I sat on the toilet this morning I was reminded of my first divorce.
At first I thought it had been a clean break, but then it got messy and there was lots of paperwork.
So we all know about Gandhi right?
Well Gandhi as well know was a very important person who in recent times has taken on a mystic quality to some. He often fasted for long periods of time making him rather weak and fragile, he went barefoot for long periods of time and so it's fair to assume he built up lots and lots of callouses and he was reported at one point to have very bad breath because of a gum disease. This all means he was a...
Super Calloused Fragile Mystic Hexed By Halitosis
The Yeti
A local married couple came forward today and said that a Yeti was spying on them while they were having s**... in their swimming pool, watching them intently before running off into the woods.
Now, I've been called lots of things in the past but that's just mean.
I'm a responsible adult
Last night I had a salad for dinner. It was a fruit salad and had grapes. Lots of grapes. It was all grapes. It was wine
How to get lots of women to ask you out!
Go in the women's bathroom
My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay.
I got full marx.
I am 20, Male, Dyslexic and love cockporn
with lots of butter of course!
I was looking for a dating website with lots of Christians
So I joined Ashley Madison
After s**..., I pee like a pro basketball player!
Lots of dribbling.
What is the difference between my ex-girlfriend and a beer?
One is pale, bitter and starts off with lots of head and the other one is a beer.
A genie gives a man three wishes...
One day a man was waking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp. He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger. A few seconds later, a genie popped out of the lamp.
Reluctantly, the genie said, "Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes. However, because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you hate the most: your boss."
So the man agreed and made his first wish. "I want lots of money", he said. Instantly 22 million dollars appeared in the man's bank account and 44 million appeared in his boss' account.
For his second wish, the man wished for a couple of sports cars. Instantly a Lamborghini, Ferrari and Porsche appeared. At the same time two of each car appeared outside of his boss' house.
Finally the genie said, "This is your last wish, you should choose carefully," and to this the man replied, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney..."
A dark sense of humor is like a hospital.
Lots of sickness and occasionally dead babies.
Lots of people use their kid's name as their password
I love my son mHh$5rY%9a@#JJ5
Spanish Dad Joke
A mexican father and son were at the mall and the son finally convinced his dad to try Chinese food.
"But it's so dry!" said the father.
"No it's not, they put lots of stuff on their plates," replied the son.
"Like what?" the father asked.
"Soy Sauce" he answered.
The father stared for a minute and then said, "Hola Sauce... *soy Dad*"
What's the similarity between a marriage and a tornado?
At the start there's lots of s**... and blowing but in the end you lose your house.
What kind of farm has lots of books but no livestock?
Barns and no-bulls.
(This joke was made up by my 7 year-old cousin.)
As a farmer I've heard lots of jokes about sheep.
I told them to my dog but he'd heard them all.
How do locomotives know where they're going?
Lots of training.
I visited my new girlfriend's parents for the first time.
"I hope we can find lots of things we have in common," her father told me.
"I know we already have one thing in common."
"What's that?" He asked.
"Your daughter calls us both Daddy."
People keep saying drugs are dangerous, I abused lots of drugs and I'm fine.
It's only the people watching me through power sockets that are annoying.
A man stumbles upon a Genie and is granted 3 wishes.
Genie: What is your first wish?
Joe: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted. What is your second wish?
Rich: I want lots of money.
I buy every comic book I see. . .
My friends say I have lots of issues.
Why was the math book sad?
It had lots of problems.
[My little brother told me this earlier.]
Politicians are like s**....
There are lots of them but very few work.
I have an addiction to having lots of money in my bank account.
Unfortunately, I'm suffering from withdrawals.
A life barely lived.
"Doctor, I want to live to 100."
"Do you drink?"
"No."
"Do you smoke anything?"
"No."
"Do you have s**... with lots of people?"
"No."
"Then why do you want to live to 100?"
Women are like parking lots.
The good ones are already taken and the others are either disabled, mother with child, or you pay for your time.
What are our names?
A hen and her chick are having a talk.
"Why do humans have names, but us chickens don't? All we have is chicken, or hen.", asks the chick.
"Well, humans may have names when they are ALIVE, but when they are dead, they are only called ghosts.", Says the hen, "but, we have lots of names when we are dead. Such as chicken curry, fried chicken, roast chicken...."
Jim finds a genie in a lamp
The genie says "you have three wishes to make"
Jim instantly says "I wish I were rich!"
The genie responds, "and for your second wish?"
Rich says "I want lots of money"
When the Daddy Car asked the baby car
When the Daddy car asked the baby car what he wanted to be when he grew up, the baby answered. "I wanna fit lots of people inside me and have parties where they can drink and have fun."
The daddy car replied "oh that's a stretch."
Original. Maybe bad. But original.
An underage weasel walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "I'm sorry. I can't serve underage weasels."
The weasel says, "That's fine. I don't need something alcoholic. What else do you have?"
The bartender says "Oh, we have lots! We have water, pop, tea, coffee, smoothies. What would you like?"
"Pop," goes the weasel.
A conversation with a genie
Genie: What is your first wish?
Steve: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted. Second wish?
Rich: I want lots of money.
When my girlfriend told me she was pregnant I said...
"Don't worry. Lots of single mums have happy lives."
My life is like going to see a M. Night Shyamalan film....bizarre characters, lots of plot twists
and I want my money back.
My crush is like a coin
Lots of tail, and 50% chance of getting head
Do you really have to lick the knife!? she asked with a disapproving frown. Whoops! Sorry! Force of habit. I said, chuckling. Lots of people do it though, don't they?!
Yes, but not during surgery, doctor.
Why do lots of Americans wear tank tops?
Because they have the right to bare arms
My bank account is huge.
It has lots of space for the money I don't have.
Do you really have to lick the knife? she asked. Sorry, force of habit. Lots of people do it though, don't they? I said.
Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor.
s**... with my wife is like the England World Cup squad
neither of us know why we're there or what we're doing, there's little passion or communication and we rarely even make it past the first stage.
It's often accompanied by lots of unnecessary noise, horrible dribbling and never a clean sheet.
It's always over far too quickly and when it does end we know it'll be at least another 4 years before it happens again.
I saw this sign: "Lots for sale."
But there was nothing there.
Asexual reproduction is reproduction with only one party
And lots of alcohol and bad decisions
What's the difference between a Japanese Restaurant and a Japanese car accident?
One has lots of crustaceans, the other has lots of crushed Asians.
A black man is lost in a desert
A black man is lost in a desert and just before death God comes before him and asks him what he desires at this moment.
The black man says:" I want lots of water, lots of women on me and I want to be white."
God says:" You ask and thou shall recieve."
And God turns him into a toilet.
School dances this year are going to be like Fortnite lobbies...
Lots of s**... dance moves and unnecessary shooting
A couple was having a party at their house.
An hour before the party the woman found out that she still needed escargots. So she sent her husband out to get it. He was walking to the supermarket and he figured he had lots of time. So he stopped at the bar on the way. An hour and a half later he looked at his watch and realized that the party had already started. He quickly ran to the market, bought the snails and ran home. He tried to sneak into the kitchen without his wife seeing him. But at that moment his wife came out. He quickly threw the snails on the floor and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there."
American intervention is kind of like my cooking...
It always involves a lot of oil... I steam in without really knowing what I'm doing... and lots of people die.
h**... doesn't sound all that bad...
Lots of people have even told me there's a special place for me there.
During this pandemic I'm buying lots of stocks.
Beef stock, chicken stock, fish stock. Soon I'm going to be a bouillon-ere!
Genie: "What's your first wish?"
Steve: "I wish I was rich!"
Genie: "Okay, what's your next wish?"
Rich: "I wish I had lots of money!"
So I asked my girlfriend what she would want for her birthday next week
She said: "Well, I dreamt of a golden ring with lots of small diamonds."
I asked her: "What do you think it means?"
She smiled and said: "I don't know..."
Flash forward to her birthday, with all our family members at the table, I gave her my present.
I still don't know why she didn't like this book called 'Dreams and their Meanings'.
Do you really have to lick the knife? she growled angrily. Sorry, force of habit. I chuckled. Lots of people do it though, don't they?
Yes, but not during surgery, doctor.
Marriage
**Before Marriage**
Boy: Ah, finally, I've waited so long.
Girl: You want me to leave?
Boy: No. I dare to not even think about it.
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Of course. Lots!
Girl: Have you ever cheated on me?
Boy: No! Why are you asking me?
Girl: Will you kiss me?
Boy: Every time I get the chance!
Girl: Will you ever hit me?
Boy: Are you crazy? Of course not!
Girl: Can I trust you?
Boy: Yes.
Girl: Darling?
**After Marriage**
Read it Backwards.
How are marriage and a hurricane similar?
In the beginning theres lots of blowing and in the end you lose your house.
Why does Fozzie Bear make lots of Chinese food ?
He loves to use his wokka wokka!
A lawyer goes to heaven...
...and finds himself at the back of a long queue of Popes.
Suddenly, St. Peter grabs him and takes him straight through the pearly gates.
I don't understand" the lawyer said puzzled. There's hundreds of Popes waiting in line and you've let me in before them. Why?"
Sir, said St. Peter. We've had lots of Popes here. But, you are our FIRST lawyer.
I quit my career as a professional poker player, and I decided to open a grocery store.
For the first couple weeks, I didn't earn much money. Then, I decided to rearrange the meat and the snacks in my store. I started earning lots of money. I knew that I would succeed when the chips were down and the steaks were high.
The difference between a rich man at a s**... club and a poor man at a s**... club.
The rich man shows up to spend lots of cash and have a good time.
The poor man is there to take his sister home.
A polygamist lion walks into a bar with 3 of his wives: a giraffe, an ostrich and a llama.
He walks up to the bar and asks the rhino bartender to recommend a beer.
Rhino: "Sure, we have lots of great choices on tap."
Lion: "C'mon man... Can't you see I prefer longnecks?"
Everyone knows comedian Bill Burr, most don't realize he has a huge family with lots of talent.
His mother, Barb, is a famous hair stylist.
Rob, his brother is in jail for theft.
His sister Cally is a great gunsmith.
Lastly, don't forget about his cousin the famous lumberjack, Tim.
At the bank, I told the cashier, " I would like to open a joint account." .
He enquired, " With whom?"
I answered, " With whomsoever has lots of money."
