lot Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious lot stories

What are the best Lot puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Lot? Well here is a complete list of Lot dad jokes:

A sperm cell contains about 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25ml, and takes about 5 seconds. This makes the average bandwidth of the human penis 1687 TB/sec

I know, that's a lot of information to swallow.

👍🏼

We should've known communism would fail.

There were a lot of red flags.

👍🏼

Apparently as a 4-year old, Hitler was saved from drowning in the river Passau by a local priest.

Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.

👍🏼

My friend said to me, Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!? I said, Go on, then. He shouted, NOT THE KRYPTONITE! I said, That's Superman.


He said, Thanks man, I've been practicing a lot.

👍🏼

My best friend passed away recently, and grieving before his grave I said,

"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"

A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.

I'm really happy that my prayer worked.

👍🏼

We should've known about the failure of communism

In retrospect, there were a lot of red flags...

👍🏼

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

👍🏼

A couple wants to have sex but their son is in the house.

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie " with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities...

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.

"An ambulance just drove by!"

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike!"

"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"

"Jason is on his skate board!"

After a few moments he announced... "The Coopers are having sex.
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed.

Dad cautiously called out..."How do you know they're having sex?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

👍🏼

There's a support group for people addicted to plastic surgery...

The head of the group walks in and says, "I'm seeing a lot of new faces this week, and I have to say I'm pretty disappointed."

👍🏼

Fact: A lot of women turn into good drivers.

So if you're a good driver, watch out for women who are turning!

👍🏼

A lady walks into a pet store...

She sees a beautiful parrot with a sign on its cage: $10 OBO
The lady asks the pet shop owner, "Why so cheap?" The owner says "This bird used to live in a brothel, so he says a lot of inappropriate things." The lady can't pass up the deal and decides to get the bird anyway.
She gets the bird home and the first thing the bird says is "Finally cleaned up this dump, and the new madam isn't bad looking." The lady finds it amusing.
Her two teen daughters get home and the bird says "New whores in the house, business will be booming tonight." The girls are shocked but laugh it off.
A few hours later the woman's husband gets home and the bird says "Hey Jim."

👍🏼

So a little kid is going through his mothers purse and takes out her drivers lincense...

his mother catches him reading it and mildly scolds him

the kid says "but i learned so much about you from it"

she says "well, ok, what did you learn about me"

"well, says the kid... "i know your age now"

"and what is that?" says his mother

"you're old" says the kid

"and i learned your height"

"which is?' says the mother

"your really tall" he says

"well, yes, i am tall for a woman"

"and, i learned your weight" he says

"and what is that?" asks the mother

"a lot for a woman your height" the kids says

the mother sighs and says "well, that's not nice, but i can't argue that"

"and" the kid says "i know why dad divorced you"

"Huh? what?" says the mother, "how on earth did you get that from a drivers license"

"because, you got an f in sex"

👍🏼

A kid asks his dad "What's the difference between realistically and potentially?"

The father responds with "Go ask your siblings and your mother if they would have sex with a celebrity for a million dollars."


The boy asks his mom "Would you have sex with George Clooney for a million dollars?"


The mother responds " While I am a married woman, that is a lot of money. He is also a very attractive man."


The boy asks his sister "Would you have sex with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"


"Well of course! " she exclaims.


Finally he asks his brother "Would you have sex with Tom Cruise for a million dollars"


And he hums and haws about it "I dunno man, well... That is a lot of money. Yeah alright I'd do it."


When the boy sees his father again the father asks " Did you figure out the difference between potentially and realistically?"


"Yes father, Potentially were sitting on $3,000,000. Realistically were living with two whores and a fag."

👍🏼

Little Johnny puts a dot on the blackboard (NSFW)

The teacher in her first grade class asks her students to come to the chalkboard and draw something that causes a lot of excitement and commotion. Little Johnny comes up and simply puts a dot on the chalkboard. The teacher asks "what is that?" Little Johnny replies, "it's a period." The teacher says "why does it cause excitement and commotion?" Little Johnny says "it doesn't, but my sister said she missed one this morning and my mom fainted, my dad had a heart attack, and the guy next door shot himself"

👍🏼

Ever since my girlfriend got pregnant, a lot has changed...

like my name, phone number, address, etc.

👍🏼

Who says men don't remember?

A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping center was packed , and as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and so she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewelers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop."

He replied, "Well, I'm in the pub next door."

👍🏼

What's the difference between the modern worker and a guy who shovels horse poo for a living?

They both deal with a lot of crap, but at least one of them has a stable job!

it's not much, but it's my joke. i must defend what little i have.

who am i kidding I'm hilarious

👍🏼

Gays in the military

"If gay men were allowed in the army, Saving Private Ryan will be a lot shorter, because it wouldn't take them 3 hours to find Matt Damon"

— Adam Hills

👍🏼

One soldier

As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out."
As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention.The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sir?"

👍🏼

A lot of things are going to change since I got my girlfriend pregnant.

Including my name, address and phone number.

👍🏼

5 Year Old's First Job

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and
some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when
we give a child the gift of our time.
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a Construction crew turned
up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on
next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her
as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee
and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.
The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay"
she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little
girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.. The little girl proudly replied,
"I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this
week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the damn sheet rock..."


Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it?

👍🏼

First Blowjob

A young man walks into a bar, orders five shots of whisky, and quickly downs them all.

The bartender says, "Whoa there buddy. That's a lot of shots. What's going on?"

The man replies, "First blowjob today."

The bartender says, "Well congratulations! I'll tell you what, have another drink. It's on me."

"No thanks." says the man, "If the first five didn't get the taste out of my mouth, I doubt the sixth is going to do much."

👍🏼

*knock knock* "Who's there?" "Dejav."

"Dejav who?"

*knock knock*


*edit : thanks a lot for appreciating the stupidity

👍🏼

A chemistry lab is a lot like a party...

Some people drop acid while others drop the base.

👍🏼

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles....

But at least they drive slowly past schools

👍🏼

A teacher asks her class to come up with a sentence...

...that contains the word "contagious."

Amy stands up and says "Last week my mummy had the flu. It was contagious." "Very good," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Then Becky stands up and says "a long time ago the Bubonic Plague affected a lot of Europe and because it was very contagious a lot of people died." "Very good," says the teacher. "One more?"

Little Johnny then stands up and says "my next door neighbour recently started painting his house with a two-inch brush. My Daddy says it'll take the contagious."

👍🏼

What did the math text book say to the Shakespeare text book?

Look, buddy, I've already got a lot of problems, and I really don't need any of your drama.

👍🏼

Afternoon Sex when you have kids......

Afternoon Sex

Love what kids come up with...they know so much they are not
given credit for.

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie with
their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on
the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all
the neighborhood activities...


- "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he
shouted.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into
operation:
- "An ambulance just drove by!"
- "Looks like the Anderson s have company," he called out.
- "Matt's riding a new bike!"
- "Looks like the Sanders are moving!"
- "Jason is on his skate board!"

After a few moments he announced...
- "The Coopers are having sex."

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed.

Dad cautiously called out..."How do you know they're
having sex?"

Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a
Popsicle."

👍🏼

A man buys a parrot...

And after bringing it home, he discovers it has the filthiest mouth. It constantly swears, racial epithets, dirty jokes, the whole lot! It embarrasses the man to no end. He keeps trying to train the bird, but it doesn't listen, just cackles back at him.

In a rage, he finally throws the bird in the freezer and closes the door. The bird squawks once, then goes very quiet. The man waits a minute, then opens the door. The bird looks sorry, so he puts it back in the cage.

"I'm terribly sorry for my earlier behavior, I assure you that I won't be speaking as such anymore," the bird apologizes. "On a related note, what did the chicken do?"

👍🏼

Aids or Alzheimer's

A man takes his wife to the doctor. The doctor says "Well, its either aids or alzheimers."

"What do you mean?" the guy says, "You can't tell the difference?"

"Well, the two look a lot alike in the early stages." said the doctor, "Tell you what, drive her way out into the country. Once your there kick her out of the car. If she finds her way back, don't have sex with her."

👍🏼

Last Names.

It's commonly known that a lot of last names originate from an ancestor's profession, or what they were known for, hundreds of years ago.
If your last name is Smith, it's likely one of your ancestors was a blacksmith.
If your last name is Cooper, they may have been a cooper, who were known for making barrels.
If your last name is Dickinson I wouldn't delve too deep into your family history.

👍🏼

How do you get a lot of people to check out your post?

Mark it NSFW

👍🏼

A man dies and goes to heaven but he sees there are a lot of clocks displayed at the Pearly Gates.

The man is stricken with curiosity and asks Saint Peter.

"Hey, what are those clocks for?" he asks.

"Oh, those are the clocks of lies," Saint Peter replies. "Every time one tells a lie, their clock moves one minute from 12 o'clock. Look, there's Honest Abe's," points Saint Peter at a clock set at 12:02. "Here are those of our saints," Saint Peter points to another bunch of clocks, some at 12:05, 12:03, times which are barely away from 12 o'clock.

"Hmm...where are the politicians' clocks?" the man asks Saint Peter again.

"Oh they're in our offices. We use them as electric fans."

👍🏼

A blonde tried to sell her old car

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it because the car had 250,000 miles on it.

One day she mentioned her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a way to make your car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "as long as I can sell the car."

"Okay," said the brunette. "Here's the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the odometer in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell."

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.

About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"

"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."

👍🏼

Eyes

Two men are sitting in a bar, talking to eachother. One asks the other if he ever looks his wife in the eyes while making love. "I did once" the other responds, "But I saw a lot of anger in her eyes". The first, looking confused: "Why was that?"

"Because she was looking from outside through the window!"

👍🏼

A kangaroo walks into a bar

A kangaroo walks into a bar and orders a beer. He pays with a twenty and the bartender figures, "What does a kangaroo know about money?" gives him a single in change.

Then his curiosity gets the better of him. "You know," he says to the kangaroo, "we don't get a lot of kangaroos in this place."

The kangaroo replies sourly, "Yeah, and at $19 for a beer, you won't be getting many more."

👍🏼

Don't you hate double standards?

Don't you hate double standards? If a girl sleeps with a lot of guys she is called a slut, but when a guy does it he is called a homosexual.

👍🏼

[NSFW] Billy Connolly's c**t joke.

Two guys talking:

"You know, I've been thinking about you a lot lately and you're a cunt. You've always been a cunt and in all likelihood you always will be a cunt. As a matter of fact, if they were giving a prize for World's Biggest Cunt, you'd probably come second."

"Second? Why wouldn't I come first?"

"Because you're a cunt."

👍🏼

Before and After Marriage

**Before Marriage:**

Her: Hey!

Him: Finally, I have been waiting for so long..

Her: Do you want me to leave?

Him: No, I wouldn't even dare think about that

Her: Do you love me?

Him: Ofcourse, a lot!

Her: Did you ever cheat on me?

Him: NO, why would you ask me that?

Her: Do you want to kiss me?

Him: Every time I get the chance!

Her: Will you ever hit me?

Him: No, I'm not that kind of a person.

Her: Can I trust you?

Him: Yes

Her: Darling

**After Marriage: Read the joke from the bottom to the top**

^^This ^^joke ^^translated ^^worse ^^than ^^I ^^had ^^hoped..

👍🏼

Did you know that 69 is now 96?

With this worsening economy, it costs a lot more to eat out.

👍🏼

A farmer in Nebraska just had his fence destroyed by a tornado, and he's asking for our help

He heard we have a lot of experts in re-posting

👍🏼

It has been scientifically proven that women with few pounds extra tend to live a lot longer than...

...men who point that out.

👍🏼

Relationships are a lot like Algebra...

...have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

👍🏼

It's a good thing that the Ghostbusters don't charge a lot of money

because if you couldn't pay, they'd have to come back and re-possess your house.

👍🏼

Once I had a machine that made counterfeit pennies.

I regret it now, but it made a lot of cents at the time.

👍🏼

A man stumbles out of the bar...

A near by cop patiently waits and watches as the man fumbles in his pockets and drops his keys. The man proceeds to spend 5 minutes trying to unlock the door, another 10 turning on and off the headlights, a few more turning the window wipers on and off. About an hour passes and the lot empties. When the man is the last car, he starts the engine and starts down the road.

The officer pulls him over and to his surprise the man is completely sober. The officer asks "What the hell were you doing then?" To this the man replies, "Oh well, I was the designated distraction".

👍🏼

Fridays!!

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowingin despair, he has his first meeting with The Devil.
The Devil: Why so sad?
Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell.
The Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here... Do you drink?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
The Devil: Well you're gonna love Mondays. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, brandy, rum, tequila, beer...we drink until we throw up and then we drink some more! It doesn't matter because you're already dead!
Guy: That sounds great.
The Devil: Do you smoke?
Guy: Yes.
The Devil: You're going to love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! If you get cancer - who cares! You're already dead!
Guy: Wow!
The Devil: Do you gamble?.
Guy: I do.
The Devil: Wednesdays you can gamble all youwant...blackjack, roulette, poker, whatever... If you lose yourshirt...who cares!
Guy: Amazing!
The Devil: You into drugs?
Guy: You don't mean...
The Devil: Yes, Thursdays are drug days. Help yourself toa great all the drugs that your want! Who cares... you're dead!
Guy: I never realized Hell was such a swinging place!!!
The Devil: Are you gay?
Guy: No.
The Devil: Ooooh - you're gonna hate Fridays..

👍🏼

One soldier.

As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out." As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention.The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, Drill sergeant?"

👍🏼

A kid is sitting on the sidewalk eating candy

and next to him is a big bag full of nothing but candy, and hes just eating, and eating. A man passing by sees him and tells him, "Son, you shouldn't eat all that candy. It's not good for your teeth." The kid looks up at the man and says, "My grandfather lived to be 100." Surprised, the man asks, "Oh, he ate a lot of candy?" The kid replies, "No, he minded his own fucking business."

👍🏼

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday....

But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “Fuck it, soldier on!”

👍🏼

CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best lot jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about lot. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty lot gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laugh? How do you make someone laugh? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter just like dad jokes. Some of these lot jokes are funny and some are hilarious. With this collection it's easy to be a joker. Have fun and dig deeper into our archive.

Can I save Lot jokes? You can do this from the Joko Jokes iPhone app. It is available for free download from the Apple App Store. Thumbs up your favorite jokes so we can rank them by how many likes every joke has. Every thumb matters for Joko Jokes' rankings.

How to share a Lot joke? You are free to share every Lot joke found on JokoJokes.com, share it on Facebook, Twitter or by email and have fun with friends and family.

JokoJokes