Lot Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

We should've known communism would fail.

There were a lot of red flags.

Apparently as a 4-year old, Hitler was saved from drowning in the river Passau by a local priest.

Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.

My friend said to me, Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!? I said, Go on, then. He shouted, NOT THE KRYPTONITE! I said, That's Superman.


He said, Thanks man, I've been practicing a lot.

My best friend passed away recently, and grieving before his grave I said,

"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"

A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.

I'm really happy that my prayer worked.

At a funeral

Me: "Do you mind if I say a word?"
Widow: "Please do."
Me: *clears throat* "Plethora."
Widow: "Thank you. That means a lot."

A blonde and her husband are watching the news...

News: A Brazilian man died while skydiving when his parachute didn't open.

The blonde bursts into tears

Husband (comforting her): I know it's sad, but people need to know that there's a risk while skydiving.

Blonde: But that's a lot of people. How many is a Brazilian?

A lot of Russian girls are trying to hook up with American guys online.

But it's really just Putin trying to interfere with our erections.

A lot of women actually turn into good drivers

So if you're a good driver watch out.

I need to re-home a dog.

It's a small terrier, and tends to bark a lot. If you're interested, let me know and I'll jump over next door's fence and get it for you.

We should use Hillary Clinton's emails to build a wall

Because a lot of people can't seem to get over it.

Dave rubs a magic lamp and the genie grants him 3 wishes

Genie: what will be your first wish?

Dave: I want to be rich

Genie: Granted. What will be your second wish?

Rich: I want a lot of money

Just got back from a friends funeral who drowned last week.

I got a lot of abuse from the relatives about my floral tribute in the shape a life jacket. But as I told everyone "It's what he would have wanted"

If I had a dollar for every gender there was...

I'd have 2 dollars and a whole lot of counterfeits.

Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me.

It means a lot.

My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it.

She's gonna love this pack of playing cards.

I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West...

...could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone...

I'm having a lot of difficulty with knitting

Oops, wrong thread.

If Snapchat has taught me anything ....

.... it's that a lot of today's teens look better as farm animals.

We should've known about the failure of communism

In retrospect, there were a lot of red flags...

The Best Actually Racist Joke I know

*I hate myself for repeating this. But I heard this when I was living in Texas.*

Two rednecks are admiring their firearms. One says, I keep these around for hunting, home protection, and to defend my 2nd amendment rights. The second says, I just like shooting cans.

That's a lot of firepower just for shooting cans.

Well, there's so many of them: Mexi-cans, Afri-cans, Puerto Ri-cans...

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles.

If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you.

Judaism is a lot like the pH scale.

On one side of the spectrum there are basic Jews, and on the other side, Hasidic.

There's a support group for people addicted to plastic surgery...

The head of the group walks in and says, "I'm seeing a lot of new faces this week, and I have to say I'm pretty disappointed."

My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives...

I️ said, No, in fact, I️ like your mother in law a lot better than I️ like mine

I heard its easy to convince women not to eat tide pods..

but it's a lot harder to **deter gents**.

Funniest thing my gf has ever said

We were at a a red light and i noticed a woman in the car behind me making a lot of arm and hand motions. No one was in the car with her (probably on bluetooth).

Me: Hey babe look at this woman behind us. What is she doing? She's just flailing her arms around but there isn't any one with her.

GF: Maybe she's deaf and she's singing to herself.

Conspiracy theories are a lot like moon landings.

They're all fake

A man walks into a bar and notices two fat women.

They had obviously been drinking a lot, and were speaking loudly with heavy accents. After an hour he becomes annoyed with the noise, walks over to them and asks, "I'm sorry to interrupt, but are you two ladies from Scotland?"

"Wales, you idiot!", shouts the fattest one.

"I'm sorry," he says. "Are you two whales from Scotland?"

Is it okay to hate a certain race?

I usually run the 5K, but someone from my running group wants to do the 10K, which I don't want because a lot of caucasians participate in that one.

Interviewer: "We're looking for someone who is responsible."

Me: "A lot of things went wrong at my last job and everyone said I was responsible. "

Dating is a lot like fishing

Sure, there's plenty of fish in the sea. But until i catch one, I'm just stuck here holding my rod.

My physics teacher told me I had a lot of potential,

Then he pushed me off the roof.

This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat.

It was obvious that she thought her cat could understand her.

I came to my house and told my dog. We laughed a lot.

My Wife just accused me of hating her side of the family and relatives.

I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."

Ever since my girlfriend got pregnant, a lot has changed...

like my name, phone number, address, etc.

"What makes you qualified to be a waiter"

I feel like I bring a lot to the table

What do you get if you add up all the seconds of your life?

A lot of food you probably didn't need to eat.

A lot of people call # a Hashtag but back in my day it was the pound sign

which makes the movement #MeToo a bit awkward

My girlfriend and I planned to commit suicide together...

... But once she killed herself, things started looking a lot more positive.

Doctor : Does it hurt?

Mother : Yes, a lot.

Doctor : So are we vaccinating the baby, or should I slap you again?

"Hello everyone, welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous."

"I see a lot of new faces here tonight, and I have to say I'm pretty disappointed."

Gays in the military

"If gay men were allowed in the army, Saving Private Ryan will be a lot shorter, because it wouldn't take them 3 hours to find Matt Damon"

β€” Adam Hills

Lying in bed, my girlfriend turned to me and said

"You're a lot like a math exam."

I replied "Why? Because I'm long and hard?"

She said, "No, I'm cheating on you with an Asian."

What did Woody say to Buzz?

A lot. There were 3 movies.

One soldier

As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out."
As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention.The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sir?"

I had to quit my vegetarian diet

Turns out they're a lot harder to catch than cows.

Parking a single car doesn't require much space.

But parking 200 cars, now that requires a lot.

I hate women who lie over the smallest things.

My girlfriend of 2 months told me she had a lot of abandonment issues. I looked it up online and that's not even a real magazine. So I packed my bags and left her.

The worst part about being a giraffe

is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you're sinking into quicksand.

Credit. The Joke Cafe

Y'know Mahatma Gandhi?

Well, he walked a lot, and that means he had really calloused feet.

He also had an odd diet, that didn't consist of much, which made him frail.

This diet also gave him very bad breath.

This made him...


A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

I work in retail, a married man made me laugh

Me: Hi sir, can I help you?
Him: Nah I'm just looking for my wife
Me: Oh sorry, we don't sell wives here
Him: Good! Else you'd get a lot of returns!

Losing my virginity was like my first football game.

It hurt a lot but at least my dad came.

A 100 year old Japanese man is being interviewed for a newspaper piece about extreme old age

and the reporter asks "do you think there's any merit to the stereotype that people from this village live a lot longer than others?"

The old man thinks for a second and says "you know, I'm not sure. Let me go ask my dad". And the reporter, stunned, stammers "y-your dad? Where is he right now??" and the old man says "I think he's out fishing with my grandpa".

I, for one, support these crazy killers dressing up like clowns.

It was a lot harder to see them coming when they were dressing like cops.

For sale:

Guitar

Yoyo

Puppet

Kite

Β£5 for the lot

Genuine reason for sale

No strings attached

Thanos seems a lot like a pessimist to me

Y'know, the 'universe half empty' kind of guy

A lot of people don't like Mondays

But 48 hours ago was a sadder day.

Wife tells her husband

Wife: "I got a bag full of clothes i don't wear anymore. I want to donate them."

Husband: "Why do you want to donate them? Just throw them away."

Wife: "There are poor starving people, who might need some clothes that weren't worn a lot."

Husband: "Women who fit in your clothes are not starving."

In order to make a relationship work, you have to make a lot of sacrifices….

Which is why I keep a large number of goats in my garden…

My dad and I play hide and seek a lot to beat each other's record. My record is 2 hours until he found me.

His record is 20 years and still counting.

What are the funniest lot jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Lot? Well, here are the best Lot puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Lot pick up lines to share with friends.

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