Lot Jokes

150 lot jokes and hilarious lot puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about lot that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Lot jokes are a great way to break the ice in any situation and bring smiles to the faces of people. This article covers numerous jokes about parking lots, cars, eating a lot, drinking a lot, lot lizards and even relationships. Read to have a laugh and have some fun!

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Funniest Lot Short Jokes

Short lot jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The lot humour may include short numerous jokes also.

  1. Please becareful on the road Lots of people are drinking excessively and having their wives drive
  2. Genie: Whats your first wish? Dave: I wish I was rich.
    Genie: Granted, what's your second wish?
    Rich: I want lots of money.
  3. A lot of russian girls are trying to hook up with American guys online. But it's really just Putin trying to interfere with our erections.
  4. I need to re-home a dog. It's a small terrier, and tends to bark a lot. If you're interested, let me know and I'll jump over next door's fence and get it for you.
  5. We should use Hillary Clinton's emails to build a wall Because a lot of people can't seem to get over it.
  6. Dave rubs a magic lamp and the genie grants him 3 wishes Genie: what will be your first wish?
    Dave: I want to be rich
    Genie: Granted. What will be your second wish?
    Rich: I want a lot of money
  7. Kyle Rittenhouse has a lot of people to thank for his acquittal. I suggest he start with the prosecution.
  8. I've lost a lot of weight just by wearing bread on my head. It's a new loaf hat diet I'm trying.
  9. There are two kinds of people who care a lot about their exact age. Small children and 39 year old's.
  10. Lots of guys aren't too happy with getting a "dad bod" eventually in life. But I'd say im pretty excited for it Because it's the closest thing I'm gonna get to having a father figure in my life

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Lot One Liners

Which lot one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with lot? I can suggest the ones about kinds and parking lot.

  1. We should've known communism would fail. There were a lot of red flag.
  2. Q : With Britain leaving EU soon, how much space will be freed up?
    A: 1 GB
  3. A lot of women actually turn into good drivers So if you're a good driver watch out.
  4. What happens when you put a lot of LGBT people in a long line? You get a LGBTQ.
  5. What does idk stand for? I've asked lots of people but nobody seems to know.
  6. I always say muchos to spanish people It means a lot to them
  7. Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me. It means a lot.
  8. I'm having a lot of difficulty with knitting Oops, wrong thread.
  9. If you talk to a Spanish speaker make sure to say "mucho" It means a lot to them.
  10. Conspiracy theories are a lot like moon landings. They're all fake
  11. "What makes you qualified to be a waiter" I feel like I bring a lot to the table
  12. I had to quit my vegetarian diet Turns out they're a lot harder to catch than cows.
  13. Why did the girl not want to date the communist? He was waving a lot of red flags.
  14. Thanos seems a lot like a pessimist to me Y'know, the 'universe half empty' kind of guy
  15. A lot of people don't like Mondays But 48 hours ago was a sadder day.

Car Lot Jokes

Here is a list of funny car lot jokes and even better car lot puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Parking a single car doesn't require much space. But parking 200 cars, now that requires a lot.
  • A car is pulled over by the police.... "Is there a problem officer?"
    Cop: You were swerving a lot back there
    "Well I had 8 beers officer,"
    Cop: We'll that's no excuse to let your wife drive
  • What type of car does a Mandalorian buy from the used car lot? The Best Car.
  • How many cars does it take to fill up a parking garage? A lot.
  • I'm going through a lot right now. Mostly because my car brakes stopped working.
  • I got in a lot of trouble on a date recently because I didn't open the car door for her Instead I just swam up to the surface
  • What did the mexican do when he lost his car in the parking lot? He pressed hispanic button
  • Why are electric cars so expensive? Because they charge a lot.
  • I treat my women like I treat my super cars I enjoy them a lot and they only exist in my dreams
  • What's the difference between a Japanese Restaurant and a Japanese car accident? One has lots of crustaceans, the other has lots of crushed Asians.

Parking Lot Jokes

Here is a list of funny parking lot jokes and even better parking lot puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Saw a man in a parking lot throwing Stephen King novels at people I couldn't figure out why. Then It hit me.
  • Women are like parking lots. The good ones are already taken and the others are either disabled, mother with child, or you pay for your time.
  • What I deal with as a parking attendant… It's a lot.
  • Dating a girl with an OnlyFans is a lot like having your own private, reserved parking spot. Anyone and everyone can see it, but only you actually get to use it.
  • An old guy with a horrible toupee stopped me in the parking lot to tell me this random joke...made me crack up. How do you get down from an elephant??
    YOU DON'T! You get down from a goose!!
  • Dating is a lot like parking All the good ones are taken. The rest take a bunch of effort or are handicapped.
  • What's black with white stripes and can't fly? A parking lot.
  • I found $20 in the parking lot and thought to myself, what Jesus would do? So, I turned it in to wine.
  • Did you hear about the two gay guys that got into a fight at the bar? They went out to the parking lot to exchange blows.
  • What's the difference between parking in a designated area and parking on the street? A lot.

Drinking A Lot Jokes

Here is a list of funny drinking a lot jokes and even better drinking a lot puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Sometimes I like to put the punchline first A lot of people asked me why the line for drinks is before the line for food, so I explained
  • I only drink in Bars which have a lot of mirrors Doctor has advised me to watch my drinking
  • Dark humor is a lot like fresh drinking water... Not everyone gets it.
  • Hey everyone be careful on the road this holiday because there are a lot of people drinking And their wives are driving
  • What do you call a doctor who drinks a lot of soda? A fizz-ician (physician)
  • What do you call a man who pours a lot of drinks? Phil.
  • I drink a lot of alcohol. A LOT. So I'm doing twelve steps. I moved to a walking distance from a bar.
  • Guy goes to the doctor Guy: "Doctor, I can't stop my hands shaking"
    Doctor:"do you drink a lot?"
    Guy: "Not really, I spill most of it"
  • Be careful on the roads tonight Lots of people will be drinking excessively and letting their wives drive. Recipe for disaster.
  • A man rushes to a doctor Doctor, Doctor. You've got to help me. I just can't stop my hands from shaking.
    Do you drink a lot?
    Not really. I spill most of it!

Eat A Lot Jokes

Here is a list of funny eat a lot jokes and even better eat a lot puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What do you get if you add up all the seconds of your life? A lot of food you probably didn't need to eat.
  • Did you know that 69 is now 96? With this worsening economy, it costs a lot more to eat out.
  • My nutritionist told me to only eat foods if I could pronounce their ingredients I gained a lot of weight after taking organic chemistry.
  • Eating food is a lot of work. It's the most calorie consuming thing I do all day.
  • I sure hope Pennywise isn't lactose intolerant... He seems to eat a lot of Derry
  • The other day, we took my Grandpa to one of those spas where the fish eat your dead flesh. It's a lot cheaper than cremation.
  • A new study says humans eat bananas more than monkeys. I believe it. I know lots of people who eat bananas and none who eat monkeys.
  • I used to eat a lot of cold cuts, but I recently stopped. I quit cold turkey.
  • Today's the day where I get to eat lots and lots of chocolate. Tuesday.
  • If you're broke you can just go eat a lot in london. You will profit as you gain pounds. Only works if American.

Laughable Lot Jokes for Instant Grins & Giggles

What funny jokes about lot you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean eat a lot jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make lot pranks.

Apparently as a 4-year old, h**... was saved from drowning in the river Passau by a local priest.

Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.

My friend said to me, Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!? I said, Go on, then. He shouted, NOT THE KRYPTONITE! I said, That's Superman.

He said, Thanks man, I've been practicing a lot.

My best friend passed away recently, and grieving before his grave I said,

"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"
A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.
I'm really happy that my prayer worked.

At a f**...

Me: "Do you mind if I say a word?"
Widow: "Please do."
Me: *clears t**...* "Plethora."
Widow: "Thank you. That means a lot."

A blonde and her husband are watching the news...

News: A Brazilian man died while skydiving when his parachute didn't open.
The blonde bursts into tears
Husband (comforting her): I know it's sad, but people need to know that there's a risk while skydiving.
Blonde: But that's a lot of people. How many is a Brazilian?

I just don't get how the german people could fall for h**... and the n**...

There were an awful lot of red flags.

A woman is sitting at her recently deceased husband's f**.... A man leans in to her and asks, Do you mind if I say a word? . No, go right ahead , the woman replies.

The man stands, clears his t**..., says Plethora , and sits back down.
Thanks , the woman says, that means a lot .

Death: Jack! Your time is up. I'll take you now.

Jack: Not today please, I have a lot more to do.
Death: Oh no, you're the first on the list to die.
Jack: Alright, I'll finish what I'm doing first. Even better, I'll make you some coffee while you wait. And after I'm done, we can leave.
(Jack put sleeping pills in the coffee and when Death fell asleep, Jack erased his name and placed it at the end of the list)
Death: Woah! My friend, I slept well. You're a good person Jack, you treated me very well. Because of that, I'll just start with the last one on the list.

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint

The bartender says, " you're in here a lot. Do you think you might be an alcoholic? " The horse says, "I don't think I am, " and promptly vanishes from existence.
See, this was a joke about Descartes' famous philosophical statement, " I think, therefore I am." I could have mentioned that at the beginning, but that would have been putting Descartes before the horse.

Just got back from a friends f**... who drowned last week.

I got a lot of a**... from the relatives about my floral tribute in the shape a life jacket. But as I told everyone "It's what he would have wanted"

If I had a dollar for every gender there was...

I'd have 2 dollars and a whole lot of counterfeits.

Dear Dad, $chool i$ great. I'm making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying hard. I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on

Dear Son,
I kNOw astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love, Dad

A lesbian couple asked me to help them conceive a baby

So I told them, "Well, imagine an adult, but smaller, mostly hairless, and it s**... itself a lot."

My sense of humor is a lot like COVID

Tasteless, not good for large groups, and anyone who gets it is pretty sick.

My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it.

She's gonna love this pack of playing cards.

I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West...

...could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone...

My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives...

I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."

Two r**... are admiring their firearms.

One says, I keep these around for hunting, home protection, and to defend my 2nd amendment rights. The second says, I just like shooting cans.
That's a lot of firepower just for shooting cans.
Well, there's so many of them: Mexi-cans, Afri-cans, Puerto Ri-cans...

If Snapchat has taught me anything ....

.... it's that a lot of today's teens look better as farm animals.

We should've known about the failure of communism

In retrospect, there were a lot of red flags...

My wife is pregnant with a boy and i want to call him Lance

My wife said its such an uncommon name.
So i told her back in medievil days people were called Lance a lot

I broke up with my girlfriend because she was a communist.

To be honest, there were a lot of red flags

A man asked a widow if he could say a word at her husbands f**.... She said "Certainly."

He stood up and said "Plethora" , and the woman said "Thanks, that means a lot."
And another man stood up and said, "Bargain" and the woman said, "Thanks, that means a great deal." 
Yet another stood up and said, "Earth" and the woman said, "Thanks, that means the world."
Yet another stood up and said, "Infinity" and the woman said, "Thanks, that means more than you can imagine."
Yet another stood up and said, "Being Alive" and the woman said, "Thanks, my husband would have loved that."
Another person simply held up a sprig of mentha spicata, and the widow said, "Thanks, that's a lovely scent of mint."

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles.

If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you.

Judaism is a lot like the pH scale.

On one side of the spectrum there are basic Jews, and on the other side, Hasidic.

A woman is sitting by her late husbands grave after the f**...

A man walks up and asks the woman may I say a word the woman looks at with with tears in her eyes and says you may the man looks down at the grave and says abundant the woman smiles at him and says thanks, that means a lot

There's a support group for people addicted to plastic surgery...

The head of the group walks in and says, "I'm seeing a lot of new faces this week, and I have to say I'm pretty disappointed."

i started carrying a knife after a mugging attempt years ago

Since then my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives...

I️ said, No, in fact, I️ like your mother in law a lot better than I️ like mine

I heard its easy to convince women not to eat tide pods..

but it's a lot harder to **deter gents**.

Funniest thing my gf has ever said

We were at a a red light and i noticed a woman in the car behind me making a lot of arm and hand motions. No one was in the car with her (probably on bluetooth).
Me: Hey babe look at this woman behind us. What is she doing? She's just flailing her arms around but there isn't any one with her.
GF: Maybe she's deaf and she's singing to herself.

I wanted to name my son Lance, but my wife said it was to uncommon...

... I told her that in medieval days, people were named Lance a lot.

As an American, I see a lot of jokes here saying that America is the dumbest country.

It's ridiculous and unfair.
Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country.

A man walks into a bar and notices two fat women.

They had obviously been drinking a lot, and were speaking loudly with heavy accents. After an hour he becomes annoyed with the noise, walks over to them and asks, "I'm sorry to interrupt, but are you two ladies from Scotland?"
"Wales, you idiot!", shouts the fattest one.
"I'm sorry," he says. "Are you two whales from Scotland?"

Is it okay to hate a certain race?

I usually run the 5K, but someone from my running group wants to do the 10K, which I don't want because a lot of caucasians participate in that one.

Interviewer: "We're looking for someone who is responsible."

Me: "A lot of things went wrong at my last job and everyone said I was responsible. "

Not to brag, but I did a lot of experiments with s**... and drugs when I was in high school.

Unfortunately I was part of the control group.

Dating is a lot like fishing

Sure, there's plenty of fish in the sea. But until i catch one, I'm just stuck here holding my rod.

This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat.

It was obvious that she thought her cat could understand her.
I came to my house and told my dog. We laughed a lot.

My Wife just accused me of hating her side of the family and relatives.

I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."

Ever since my girlfriend got pregnant, a lot has changed...

like my name, phone number, address, etc.

Reddit Karma is a lot like s**...

It's easier to get if you lie about having cancer

I think my local garage is ripping me off...

does anyone else think £500 for a Tesla exhaust is a lot?

Son: "Dad, I have an imaginary girlfriend!"

Dad: " You know you can do better."
Son: "Oh! Thanks Dad, that means a lot."
Dad: " I was talking to your girlfriend. "

A lot of people call # a Hashtag but back in my day it was the pound sign

which makes the movement #MeToo a bit awkward

My girlfriend and I planned to commit s**... together...

... But once she killed herself, things started looking a lot more positive.

A lot of people are roasting Cleaver on saying "Awoman"...

I mean, I know that "Amen" comes from Hebrew and means "so be it", and therefore "Awoman" would make no sense in Hebrew.
In Shebrew, however, it makes complete sense!!!

Doctor : Does it hurt?

Mother : Yes, a lot.
Doctor : So are we vaccinating the baby, or should I slap you again?

"Hello everyone, welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous."

"I see a lot of new faces here tonight, and I have to say I'm pretty disappointed."

g**... in the military

If gay men were allowed in the army, Saving Private Ryan will be a lot shorter, because it wouldn't take them 3 hours to find Matt Damon.

Lying in bed, my girlfriend turned to me and said

"You're a lot like a math exam."
I replied "Why? Because I'm long and hard?"
She said, "No, I'm cheating on you with an Asian."

I don't know why people hate China. I love it and can't say I have a whole lot wrong with it.

It just s**... they've been stuck on that island for so long.

One soldier

As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out."
As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention.The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sir?"

What did w**... say to Buzz?

A lot. There were 3 movies.

I hate women who lie over the smallest things.

My girlfriend of 2 months told me she had a lot of abandonment issues. I looked it up online and that's not even a real magazine. So I packed my bags and left her.

Lance is not a common name nowadays.

But in medieval times, people called their sons Lance a lot.

The worst part about being a giraffe

is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you're sinking into quicksand.
Credit. The Joke Cafe

Y'know Mahatma Gandhi?

Well, he walked a lot, and that means he had really calloused feet.
He also had an odd diet, that didn't consist of much, which made him frail.
This diet also gave him very bad breath.
This made him...
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

My daughter's skirt was getting a lot of attention as I walked her to the school gates, which made me very uncomfortable.

To be honest, I thought it suited me.

I work in retail, a married man made me laugh

Me: Hi sir, can I help you?
Him: Nah I'm just looking for my wife
Me: Oh sorry, we don't sell wives here
Him: Good! Else you'd get a lot of returns!

Don't give me excuses, I wrote the book on excuses!

Well, I started to, I mean, Its hard, and I got a lot to do...

jokes about lot