Laughable Lot Jokes for Instant Grins & Giggles
We should've known communism would fail.
There were a lot of red flags.
Apparently as a 4-year old, h**... was saved from drowning in the river Passau by a local priest.
Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.
My friend said to me, Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!? I said, Go on, then. He shouted, NOT THE KRYPTONITE! I said, That's Superman.
He said, Thanks man, I've been practicing a lot.
My best friend passed away recently, and grieving before his grave I said,
"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"
A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.
I'm really happy that my prayer worked.
At a f**...
Me: "Do you mind if I say a word?"
Widow: "Please do."
Me: *clears t**...* "Plethora."
Widow: "Thank you. That means a lot."
A blonde and her husband are watching the news...
News: A Brazilian man died while skydiving when his parachute didn't open.
The blonde bursts into tears
Husband (comforting her): I know it's sad, but people need to know that there's a risk while skydiving.
Blonde: But that's a lot of people. How many is a Brazilian?
A lot of Russian girls are trying to hook up with American guys online.
But it's really just Putin trying to interfere with our erections.
A lot of women actually turn into good drivers
So if you're a good driver watch out.
What happens when you put a lot of LGBT people in a long line?
You get a LGBTQ.
I just don't get how the german people could fall for h**... and the n**...
There were an awful lot of red flags.
I need to re-home a dog.
It's a small terrier, and tends to bark a lot. If you're interested, let me know and I'll jump over next door's fence and get it for you.
You can explore lot numerous reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean lot kinds dad jokes. There are also lot puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
A woman is sitting at her recently deceased husband's f**.... A man leans in to her and asks, Do you mind if I say a word? . No, go right ahead , the woman replies.
The man stands, clears his t**..., says Plethora , and sits back down.
Thanks , the woman says, that means a lot .
We should use Hillary Clinton's emails to build a wall
Because a lot of people can't seem to get over it.
Dave rubs a magic lamp and the genie grants him 3 wishes
Genie: what will be your first wish?
Dave: I want to be rich
Genie: Granted. What will be your second wish?
Rich: I want a lot of money
Kyle Rittenhouse has a lot of people to thank for his acquittal.
I suggest he start with the prosecution.
I've lost a lot of weight just by wearing bread on my head.
It's a new loaf hat diet I'm trying.
I always say muchos to spanish people
It means a lot to them
Death: Jack! Your time is up. I'll take you now.
Jack: Not today please, I have a lot more to do.
Death: Oh no, you're the first on the list to die.
Jack: Alright, I'll finish what I'm doing first. Even better, I'll make you some coffee while you wait. And after I'm done, we can leave.
(Jack put sleeping pills in the coffee and when Death fell asleep, Jack erased his name and placed it at the end of the list)
Death: Woah! My friend, I slept well. You're a good person Jack, you treated me very well. Because of that, I'll just start with the last one on the list.
There are two kinds of people who care a lot about their exact age.
Small children and 39 year old's.
A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint
The bartender says, " you're in here a lot. Do you think you might be an alcoholic? " The horse says, "I don't think I am, " and promptly vanishes from existence.
See, this was a joke about Descartes' famous philosophical statement, " I think, therefore I am." I could have mentioned that at the beginning, but that would have been putting Descartes before the horse.
Just got back from a friends f**... who drowned last week.
I got a lot of a**... from the relatives about my floral tribute in the shape a life jacket. But as I told everyone "It's what he would have wanted"
If I had a dollar for every gender there was...
I'd have 2 dollars and a whole lot of counterfeits.
Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me.
It means a lot.
Dear Dad, $chool i$ great. I'm making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying hard. I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on
Dear Son,
I kNOw astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love, Dad
A lesbian couple asked me to help them conceive a baby
So I told them, "Well, imagine an adult, but smaller, mostly hairless, and it s**... itself a lot."
My sense of humor is a lot like COVID
Tasteless, not good for large groups, and anyone who gets it is pretty sick.
My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it.
She's gonna love this pack of playing cards.
I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West...
...could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone...
I'm having a lot of difficulty with knitting
Oops, wrong thread.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives...
I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."
Two r**... are admiring their firearms.
One says, I keep these around for hunting, home protection, and to defend my 2nd amendment rights. The second says, I just like shooting cans.
That's a lot of firepower just for shooting cans.
Well, there's so many of them: Mexi-cans, Afri-cans, Puerto Ri-cans...
If Snapchat has taught me anything ....
.... it's that a lot of today's teens look better as farm animals.
We should've known about the failure of communism
In retrospect, there were a lot of red flags...
My wife is pregnant with a boy and i want to call him Lance
My wife said its such an uncommon name.
So i told her back in medievil days people were called Lance a lot
I broke up with my girlfriend because she was a communist.
To be honest, there were a lot of red flags
A man asked a widow if he could say a word at her husbands f**.... She said "Certainly."
He stood up and said "Plethora" , and the woman said "Thanks, that means a lot."
And another man stood up and said, "Bargain" and the woman said, "Thanks, that means a great deal."Ā
Yet another stood up and said, "Earth" and the woman said, "Thanks, that means the world."
Yet another stood up and said, "Infinity" and the woman said, "Thanks, that means more than you can imagine."
Yet another stood up and said, "Being Alive" and the woman said, "Thanks, my husband would have loved that."
Another person simply held up a sprig of mentha spicata, and the widow said, "Thanks, that's a lovely scent of mint."
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles.
If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you.
Judaism is a lot like the pH scale.
On one side of the spectrum there are basic Jews, and on the other side, Hasidic.
If you talk to a Spanish speaker make sure to say "mucho"
It means a lot to them.
A woman is sitting by her late husbands grave after the f**...
A man walks up and asks the woman may I say a word the woman looks at with with tears in her eyes and says you may the man looks down at the grave and says abundant the woman smiles at him and says thanks, that means a lot
There's a support group for people addicted to plastic surgery...
The head of the group walks in and says, "I'm seeing a lot of new faces this week, and I have to say I'm pretty disappointed."
i started carrying a knife after a mugging attempt years ago
Since then my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives...
Iļø said, No, in fact, Iļø like your mother in law a lot better than Iļø like mine
I heard its easy to convince women not to eat tide pods..
but it's a lot harder to **deter gents**.
Funniest thing my gf has ever said
We were at a a red light and i noticed a woman in the car behind me making a lot of arm and hand motions. No one was in the car with her (probably on bluetooth).
Me: Hey babe look at this woman behind us. What is she doing? She's just flailing her arms around but there isn't any one with her.
GF: Maybe she's deaf and she's singing to herself.
I wanted to name my son Lance, but my wife said it was to uncommon...
... I told her that in medieval days, people were named Lance a lot.
Conspiracy theories are a lot like moon landings.
They're all fake
As an American, I see a lot of jokes here saying that America is the dumbest country.
It's ridiculous and unfair.
Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country.
A man walks into a bar and notices two fat women.
They had obviously been drinking a lot, and were speaking loudly with heavy accents. After an hour he becomes annoyed with the noise, walks over to them and asks, "I'm sorry to interrupt, but are you two ladies from Scotland?"
"Wales, you idiot!", shouts the fattest one.
"I'm sorry," he says. "Are you two whales from Scotland?"
Is it okay to hate a certain race?
I usually run the 5K, but someone from my running group wants to do the 10K, which I don't want because a lot of caucasians participate in that one.
Interviewer: "We're looking for someone who is responsible."
Me: "A lot of things went wrong at my last job and everyone said I was responsible. "
Not to brag, but I did a lot of experiments with s**... and drugs when I was in high school.
Unfortunately I was part of the control group.
Dating is a lot like fishing
Sure, there's plenty of fish in the sea. But until i catch one, I'm just stuck here holding my rod.
This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat.
It was obvious that she thought her cat could understand her.
I came to my house and told my dog. We laughed a lot.
My Wife just accused me of hating her side of the family and relatives.
I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."
Ever since my girlfriend got pregnant, a lot has changed...
like my name, phone number, address, etc.
Reddit Karma is a lot like s**...
It's easier to get if you lie about having cancer
I think my local garage is ripping me off...
does anyone else think Ā£500 for a Tesla exhaust is a lot?
"What makes you qualified to be a waiter"
I feel like I bring a lot to the table
What do you get if you add up all the seconds of your life?
A lot of food you probably didn't need to eat.
Son: "Dad, I have an imaginary girlfriend!"
Dad: " You know you can do better."
Son: "Oh! Thanks Dad, that means a lot."
Dad: " I was talking to your girlfriend. "
Saw a man in a parking lot throwing Stephen King novels at people
I couldn't figure out why. Then It hit me.
A lot of people call # a Hashtag but back in my day it was the pound sign
which makes the movement #MeToo a bit awkward
