Lost Jokes

Sad news....I lost my job as a stage designer,

I wasn't very happy but left without making a scene.

Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One of them sees a tree in the distance that's draped in bacon. "It's a bacon tree! We're saved!" he says. He runs to the tree and is shot up with bullets.

It wasn't a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.

My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me. After 3years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100.

I lost Interest in that relationship.

TIL that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute...

On the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium...

As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself...

maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.

Did you know that a piranha can devour a human child to the bone in 30 seconds?

Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

V

Sorry lost control there

You know when you get the urge to eat something just because it's there?

Anyways, I lost my job as a gynecologist today.

Hey guys, I just lost my virginity yesterday!

What's the worst thing you've ever done to a dead body?

Why did the chef add extra oregano to the sauce?

He was making up for lost thyme.

Thank you, thank you. I'll just show myself out now.

*Wow, thanks! I was expecting a much chilier reception, but your warm comments have kept those fears at bay (that's what you get for encouraging me :)*

You know how sometimes...

You know how sometimes even when you're not hungry you'll get tempted to eat something just because it's in front of you? 

Well, that's how I lost my job as a gynecologist.

So there was a stork carrying an old man..

..and the old man turns to it and says:
"Would you at last admit it that we are lost?"

My girlfriend lost all her hair during chemotherapy and she was crying for hours.

I said, "Why are you so upset? It's just hair. I'm the one that's gotta find a new girlfriend."

I told my wife I lost 10 lbs in one hour

"No way. That's impossible!" she said.

"Trust me," I said, "I have no idea where our baby is."

Ever since I've downloaded Adblock, all the single girls in my area seem to have lost interest...

A lost dog strays into the jungle..

BREAKING NEWS: A man who took an Airline company to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.

Unfortunately I lost my Korean friend the other day.

So Yung.

Sex after Surgery

A recent article in the Dominion Post reported that a woman has sued Wellington Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied: "Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight!"

So... the girl I lost my virginity to was retarded.

I wanted my first time to be special.

I lost two things today. My virginity...

...and my job at the morgue.

Hillary Clinton lost last time to the first African American president, Barack Obama. Why will she lose this one to Donald Trump?

Because orange is the new black.

Yeah, I lost to my computer at chess.

But it turned out to be no match for me at kickboxing.

My buddy just lost his job at a cinema that only shows Pixar films...

He forgot to show Up

My daughter just lost her first tooth!

That'll teach her to talk back.

The woman who injected her 8-year old daughter with Botox for beauty pageants has lost custody.

The child didn't look surprised.

If you Google "lost mediaeval servant boy"

You get "This page cannot be found".

Do you know why Bill Clinton played the saxophone?

Because he lost his whoremonica

Looking for his wife...

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked,

You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket.
Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?

Why?

Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.

What does Superman and a Blood gang member who lost his gun have in common?

Neither one of them want to see a Kryptonite...

Today I gave my seat to a blind lady on the bus,

That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.

I tried to sue the airport for losing my luggage.

I lost my case.

I found a wallet on the sidewalk today. I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but then I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?

And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

(Emo Philips)

I lost 40 pounds in a day;

but I also lost my babysitting job.

I've lost 7lbs this week.

Or as my girlfriend calls it, "the baby".

What's the difference between the lost city of Atlantis and Florida?

About 3 days

In all honesty though, my thoughts and good wishes go out to the people of Florida,

My marriage was a like a hurricane.

At the beginning there was a lot of blowing, but in the end I lost my house.

I was talking to a girl in a bar last night

She said, "If you lost a few kgs, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

A man has lost his wife in a supermarket...

And while looking for her, he sees a stunning brunette. The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked,

You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?

Why?

Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.

TIL that after starring in 21 Kevin Spacey tried to play Blackjack professionally and lost all of his money.

Kept hitting on 17.

A man lost his luggage so he took the airline company to court

Apparently he lost his case

I received a flier on anger management the other day

I lost it

Old Soviet joke.

Reagan and Gorbachev run a marathon.

Reagan won.

Next day US newspapers: Reagan won. Gorgachev lost .

Soviet newspapers: Gorbachev finished second. Reagan finished next to last .

A girl once told me, If you lost about 50 pounds you'd be cute

I told her, if I lost 50 pounds I'd be talking to your friends!

What do Daredevil and Scarlet Which have in common?

They both lost their vision

So I lost my mood ring yesterday...

I'm not sure how I feel about that.

I was shopping with my wife and I couldn't find her, until I saw a beautiful women.

I ask her: I have lost my wife, can I talk to you?

She replies: Why?

I say: You will see in 20 seconds.

I loaned $200 to my girlfriend 5 years ago. She returned exactly $200 after we separated.

I lost interest in that relationship

Sadly, I've lost 20% of my sight

Sigh.....

This season of Earth is not realistic

So many plot holes. Like, where did the murder hornets go? Why introduce them if they're not important to the story?

I'm feeling Lost.

I went to the doctors yesterday and unfortunately he told me i lost 20% of my sight

Sigh...

Got fired from my job at the keyboard factory

At first I just wasn't putting in enough shifts, then I couldn't keep the space clean and finally I lost control

A drunk driver is being interrogated

Detective : okay buddy, walk me through the whole thing, from the top

Driver : I don't know, it all happened so fast, I need a drink of water..

Detective : Your water is on its way. But first, tell me if this was premeditated.

Driver : NO! I swear, I just lost control of the car and I was gonna either hit that one guy to the left of the road or plow into that open picnic party full of kids that was on the other side of the road. What would you have done!?

Detective : well, I would have turned for the one guy

Driver : Exactly what I thought as well! But then that guy ran into the picnic party and I had to go after him.

A man approached a very beautiful woman

A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why do you want to talk to me?" she asked puzzled. "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

A zookeeper lost a pair of mongoose to a storm and needed to replace them. He began writing an email to his supplier...

Dear sir, please send me two mongooses at once.

That didn't sound right, so he tried again.

Dear sir, please send me two mongeese at once.

That still didn't sound right, so he gave it one last attempt:

Dear sir, please send me one mongoose. And while you're at it- send me another mongoose.

(In memory of my dad who told that joke at every family gathering for 30 years.)

Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One cowboy sees a tree that's draped in bacon. A bacon tree ! We're saved! He says. He runs to the tree and is shot up with bullets.

It wasn't a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.

My BDSM community took me to court for not being hardcore enough. I got off with just a slap on the wrist.

So I lost the case.

I lost my watch at a party

I lost my watch at a party once. An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at the party. Infuriated I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.

Heisenberg and Schroedinger are driving together, but they get stopped by a police officer.

The officer asks, "Did you know you were driving at 75 mph?"

Heisenberg sighs, "Oh great, now we're lost."

The cop is unhappy, and checks the car's trunk. He asks, "And why is there a dead cat in here?"

Schroedinger grumbles, "Well there is NOW!"

COVID-19 is not a joke and should be taken seriously

A former patient was so brain damaged afterwards that he wrongly believed he'd won an election that he actually lost by 7 million votes.

A man is dying. He lies in his bed with his wife next to him.

He says to her:

'you remember when i lost my job some years ago?'

'yes'

'you were by my side'

'yes'

'and when our son died in a car crash?'

'yes'

'you were by my side'

'yes'

'and now I'm dying of cancer you're still by my side'

'yes'

'you know what?'

'no'

'i think you bring me bad luck'

A deer enters a bar...

A deer enters a bar and sits by the bartender. "Whatever's on tap, and keep them coming. I lost a patient today."

The bartender brings over a drink and says, "That's really rough. But I've never met a deer that's a medical practitioner. How did that happen?"

The deer replied, "Well I came from a impoverished part of the forest. It was difficult to get food, difficult to get water, and difficult to find shelter. Nothing came with ease, that's for sure."

"And a deer with no ease becomes a dr."

Heisenberg, Schroedinger and Ohm are in a car...

Heisenberg, Schroedinger and Ohm are in a

car...



... And they get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.

The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"

The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?"

"We do now, asshole!" shouts Schroedinger.

The cop moves to arrest them.

Ohm resists.

As I grow older, I remember all the people I lost along the way...

Maybe being a tour guide wasn't such a great idea after all.

Covid is not a joke and should be taken seriously

A former patient was so brain damaged afterwards, he wrongly believed he'd won an election he actually lost by millions of votes.

I stopped showering or changing my clothes, as a precaution against COVID-19.

If anybody gets within six feet of me, I know they must have lost their sense of smell.

I saw a crying kid and asked him where his parents were.

And that's how I lost my job at the orphanage.

I lost my job at the zoo recently.

There was a sign that said do not feed the animals. So I didn't.

My daughter was born this morning, July 4th.

It's the day I lost my independence.



(This is also true, she was born around 2:30 this morning and baby and mama are doing well).

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up onto the sidewalk, and stopped inches away from a lady with a baby stroller. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Hey, don't ever do that again. You scared the crap out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much.

The driver replied, "I'm sorry. It's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

[Translated] A man saw a good deal and bought 20 panties of the same pattern and color to his wife.

Wife : Oh My God,now people will think I never change my panties.

Husband : Which people?

(Hope the joke didnt get lost in translation)

When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85.

That's why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

I don't understand why they say hundreds of people lost in Squid Game.

In the end, 45.6 billion won.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who's lost at sea?

Bob.

Two atoms were walking down the street.

One of them said, "I lost an electron." The other one said, "Are you sure?" and the first one said, "I'm positive!"

Why does Spider-Man's calendar only have 11 months?

He lost May

My dad just died. This isn't a joke, I'm lost. I remember at his dads funeral he told me:

Why do they put fences around cemetery's? Because people are dying to get in.

I told my daughters this joke years ago and told them it was from my dad. I want a joke that I can make at his funeral to my children in his honor. Can you help me out?

My friend lost his car.

I call him Carlos now.

As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way

Maybe my budding career as a tour guide was not the right choice

I've lost a lot of weight just by wearing bread on my head.

It's a new loaf hat diet I'm trying.

Wheel Chair bound congressman Madison Cawthorn lost his primary tonight.

Now it's not just his doctors telling him that he can no longer run.

I've lost control. I don't see an end. There is no escape. I don't even have a home anymore.

Time for a new keyboard.

I almost lost my job as a DJ at a country music station

I accidentally played the same three songs for five hours. Fortunately, our listeners didn't seem to notice.

Why can't the Uk and the USA play chess anymore?

Because one lost its queen and the other lost its two towers

To whoever lost an iPhone 14 Pro Max outside the train station yesterday

Can you please stop calling my new phone?

I asked old Maud how she lost her husband. She told me her sad story…

"Well, he needed a blood transfusion, but his blood type was not on record, so the doctors asked me if I knew what it was, as they urgently needed to know, in order to save my Norman's life.

Tragically, I've never known his blood type, so I only had time to sit and say goodbye.
I'll never forget how supportive my Norman was.
Even as he was fading away, he kept on whispering to me, "Be positive, be positive!"

That was my Norman! Always thinking of others."

Two old jews are talking in Odessa.

-What's the news?

-Have you not heard? There is a war!

-who is fighting?

-Russia says it is at war with NATO.

-How's is it going?

-70,000 Russians are dead, they have lost thousands of tanks, used up most of their missiles, and their economy is collapsing.

-and NATO?

-NATO hasn't shown up yet.

Cr

Researchers have discovered a lost Hemingway novel where the main character is trying to learn a computer language.

The Old Man and the C.

What do you call a person who keeps on talking after everyone's lost interest?

A teacher

I sued Delta Airlines for misplacing my luggage

But I lost my case.

I had a cousin called Marco. Tragic story. He got lost in a crowded shopping mall. My aunt called and called for him

but of course she hadn't a hope of hearing him calling back.

What did Beyonce say to the boy who lost his balloon?

If you liked it then you shoulda put a string on it.

My New Year's resolution is going great!

I went to the gym this morning and I've already lost 10 pounds. Seriously I have no idea where I misplaced those dumbbells.

I started dating a guy, but then I found out he lost all of his toes in a freak work accident

Unfortunately, I'm lack toes intolerant.

(This joke inspired by an 8 year old)

Hearing aid

Having lost most of his hearing a number of years ago, this elderly man goes to the doctor to be fitted with hearing aids which promise to allow him to hear 100%.

A month later, he returns to the doctor for a check up on his progress. The doctor tells him that his hearing is perfect and asks if his family is pleased.

The man says, "Oh, I haven't told them about the hearing aids yet. I just sit around and listen to them talk. I've changed my will three times!"