Lost Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me. After 3years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100.

I lost Interest in that relationship.

TIL that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute...


On the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium...

As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself...

maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.

Did you know that a piranha can devour a human child to the bone in 30 seconds?

Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

V

Sorry lost control there

You know when you get the urge to eat something just because it's there?

Anyways, I lost my job as a gynecologist today.

I tried to sue the airport for losing my luggage.

I lost my case.

A girl once told me, If you lost about 50 pounds you'd be cute

I told her, if I lost 50 pounds I'd be talking to your friends!

My girlfriend borrowed $500 from me. After 3years, when we separated, she returned exactly $500.

I lost Interest in that relationship.

I was shopping with my wife and I couldn't find her, until I saw a beautiful women.

I ask her: I have lost my wife, can I talk to you?

She replies: Why?

I say: You will see in 20 seconds.

I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage.

I lost my case.

Today I gave my seat to a blind lady on the bus,

That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.

Sex after Surgery

A recent article in the Dominion Post reported that a woman has sued Wellington Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied: "Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight!"

Sad news....I lost my job as a stage designer,

I wasn't very happy but left without making a scene.

I told my wife I lost 10 lbs in one hour

"No way. That's impossible!" she said.

"Trust me," I said, "I have no idea where our baby is."

BREAKING NEWS: A man who took an Airline company to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.

A lost dog strays into the jungle..

I lost two things today. My virginity...

...and my job at the morgue.

I loaned $200 to my girlfriend 5 years ago. She returned exactly $200 after we separated.

I lost interest in that relationship

I was talking to a girl in a bar last night

She said, "If you lost a few kgs, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

What does Superman and a Blood gang member who lost his gun have in common?

Neither one of them want to see a Kryptonite...

My daughter just lost her first tooth!

That'll teach her to talk back.

Yeah, I lost to my computer at chess.

But it turned out to be no match for me at kickboxing.

So I lost my mood ring yesterday...

I'm not sure how I feel about that.

I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus

That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.

So there was a stork carrying an old man..

..and the old man turns to it and says:
"Would you at last admit it that we are lost?"

Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One of them sees a tree in the distance that's draped in bacon. "It's a bacon tree! We're saved!" he says. He runs to the tree and is shot up with bullets.

It wasn't a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.

What's the difference between the lost city of Atlantis and Florida?

About 3 days

In all honesty though, my thoughts and good wishes go out to the people of Florida,

A man has lost his wife in a supermarket...

And while looking for her, he sees a stunning brunette. The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked,

You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?

Why?

Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.

What do Daredevil and Scarlet Which have in common?

They both lost their vision

Sex after Surgery:

A recent article in the San Francisco Examiner reported that Nancy Pelosi has sued Stanford University Hospital, saying that "after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex."

A hospital spokesman replied: "Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight.

You know how sometimes...

You know how sometimes even when you're not hungry you'll get tempted to eat something just because it's in front of you? 

Well, that's how I lost my job as a gynecologist.

Hillary Clinton lost last time to the first African American president, Barack Obama. Why will she lose this one to Donald Trump?

Because orange is the new black.

Old Soviet joke.

Reagan and Gorbachev run a marathon.

Reagan won.

Next day US newspapers: Reagan won. Gorgachev lost .

Soviet newspapers: Gorbachev finished second. Reagan finished next to last .

I received a flier on anger management the other day

I lost it

Looking for his wife...

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked,

You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket.
Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?

Why?

Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.

Man and his wife join a weight loss club. They're told to try and lose at least 2 pounds by the next week.

When they return after a week the mentor asks them how much they lost.

The wife begins, "I lost 10 pounds".

"That's amazing! Well done, and you?" He says, pointing at the husband.

"Well, I actually gained 10 pounds", the husband responds.

"Oh, that's no good at all. How did that happen?" asks the mentor.

"I bet my wife a tenner she wouldn't lose any weight this week".

Why did the chef add extra oregano to the sauce?

He was making up for lost thyme.

Thank you, thank you. I'll just show myself out now.

*Wow, thanks! I was expecting a much chilier reception, but your warm comments have kept those fears at bay (that's what you get for encouraging me :)*

Ever since I've downloaded Adblock, all the single girls in my area seem to have lost interest...

The woman who injected her 8-year old daughter with Botox for beauty pageants has lost custody.

The child didn't look surprised.

So... the girl I lost my virginity to was retarded.

I wanted my first time to be special.

If you Google "lost mediaeval servant boy"

You get "This page cannot be found".

Unfortunately I lost my Korean friend the other day.

So Yung.

A man lost his luggage so he took the airline company to court

Apparently he lost his case

My girlfriend lost all her hair during chemotherapy and she was crying for hours.

I said, "Why are you so upset? It's just hair. I'm the one that's gotta find a new girlfriend."

I found a wallet on the sidewalk today. I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but then I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?

And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

(Emo Philips)

Marriage jokes

Marriage jokes
The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes? Why? Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.

Hey guys, I just lost my virginity yesterday!

What's the worst thing you've ever done to a dead body?

My marriage was a like a hurricane.

At the beginning there was a lot of blowing, but in the end I lost my house.

I lost 40 pounds in a day;

but I also lost my babysitting job.

My buddy just lost his job at a cinema that only shows Pixar films...

He forgot to show Up

TIL that after starring in 21 Kevin Spacey tried to play Blackjack professionally and lost all of his money.

Kept hitting on 17.

Do you know why Bill Clinton played the saxophone?

Because he lost his whoremonica

I've lost 7lbs this week.

Or as my girlfriend calls it, "the baby".

I lost my watch at a party.

After some intensive searching through the crowd, I spotted it lying on the floor. There was a guy standing on it. When I looked up, I saw the guy harassing a girl, touching her at all the wrong places. She obviously didn't approve. So I walked over there and punched this guy in the face. Nobody treats girls like that. Not on my watch.

A husband asks his wife...

Husband: Darling, if I lost my vision would you be my eyes?

Wife: Honey, of course I would.

Husband: If I lost my hearing would you be my ears?

Wife: Absolutely sweetheart.

Husband: If I lost my legs would you push me around in a wheelchair?

Wife: You don't need to ask. Why all the questions?

Husband: I just sprained my wrist...

One day, a taxi cab passenger touched...

a new cab driver on his shoulder to ask him something. The driver squealed EEEEEEEEEE! , lost control of car, and screeched to a stop after mounting the sidewalk. The passenger apologised profusely & said: "I had no idea you would be startled by me tapping your shoulder!"

Driver replied: Im sorry it's not your fault; I used to be funeral driver for 25 years.

Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus

Lost my job as a bus driver.

My dad is a professional Russian roulette player.

He only lost once.

I started going to the gym a year ago and so far I lost 500 pounds!

The only problem is I'm British...

I lost my voice today

I can't tell you how annoying it is.

I lost my job at the bank on the first day...

...a lady asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over

I'm positive I lost an electron...

...better keep an ion that.

My son lost his first tooth today.

That will teach him to talk back...

Since I've installed Adblock Plus

All the girls in my area suddenly lost their interest in me.

I was writing a joke about a stone rolling up a hill, but it lost momentum.

It still has potential.

My wife left me because she said I had a drinking problem

After she left I lost the urge to drink.

My grandfather was a legendary Russian roulette player

He only ever lost once

Why do hipsters love Raiders of the Lost Ark?

Because it's the first Indy movie.

My friend David lost his ID the other day

Now we just call him dav

When my first wife lost her credit card, I didn't report it.

Because whoever found it was spending less than she was.

I got so drunk the other night that I lost my glasses.

The rest is a blur.

The Irish must have lost so much money last night due to betting.

They'll be asking to rejoin the United Kingdom later today.

I gave up my seat to a blind guy on the bus.

I lost my job.

When I lost my pistol, the Army charged me $125.

That's why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

A man recently lost 28 pounds just eating chicken.

It's the only recorded instance of one bird killing two stone.

You know when you get that urge to eat something just because it's there?

Anyway, I lost my job as a gynaecologist today.

A man finds a penguin on the road...

A man finds a penguin on the road side. Thinking the penguin is lost the man takes it, drives until finding a police officer and asks what to do.
- Take it to the zoo replies the officer.

One week latter the policer officer sees the man driving with the penguin by his side.

What are you doing with that penguin ? I told you to bring him to the zoo.

I did exactly that. He loved it and now we are going to the movies .

I gave up my seat for a blind man on the bus today

That's how I lost my job as a bus driver

Why did the French chef kill himself?

He lost his huile d'olive

Why couldn't the pirate learn the alphabet?

Because he was always lost at C!



[ I'm^so^sorry ]

I lost my watch

I lost my watch at a party once. Saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl. I walked up to the dude, punched him straight in the face. No one does that to a girl, not on my watch.

Lost: bucket of sand, silt, and gravel

Great sedimental value.



(I can't take credit. Read it in a university paper 20 years ago.)

My wife left me because she felt I had a drinking problem.

After she left I lost the urge to drink.

I lost my watch at a party once..

I found it ten minutes later, but some guy was stepping on it. As he stood on my watch, he was sexually harassing a young woman. So I walked up to him and punched him square in the face. Nobody does that to a girl. Not on MY watch.

What are the funniest lost jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Lost? Well, here are the best Lost puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Lost pick up lines to share with friends.

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