The Best 93 Lost Jokes

Sad news....I lost my job as a stage designer,

I wasn't very happy but left without making a scene.

Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One of them sees a tree in the distance that's draped in bacon. "It's a bacon tree! We're saved!" he says. He runs to the tree and is shot up with bullets.

It wasn't a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.

My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me. After 3years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100.

I lost Interest in that relationship.

TIL that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute...

On the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium...

As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself...

maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.

Did you know that a piranha can devour a human child to the bone in 30 seconds?

Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

V

Sorry lost control there

You know when you get the urge to eat something just because it's there?

Anyways, I lost my job as a gynecologist today.

Hey guys, I just lost my virginity yesterday!

What's the worst thing you've ever done to a dead body?

Why did the chef add extra oregano to the sauce?

He was making up for lost thyme.

Thank you, thank you. I'll just show myself out now.

*Wow, thanks! I was expecting a much chilier reception, but your warm comments have kept those fears at bay (that's what you get for encouraging me :)*

You know how sometimes...

You know how sometimes even when you're not hungry you'll get tempted to eat something just because it's in front of you? 

Well, that's how I lost my job as a gynecologist.

So there was a stork carrying an old man..

..and the old man turns to it and says:
"Would you at last admit it that we are lost?"

My girlfriend lost all her hair during chemotherapy and she was crying for hours.

I said, "Why are you so upset? It's just hair. I'm the one that's gotta find a new girlfriend."

I told my wife I lost 10 lbs in one hour

"No way. That's impossible!" she said.

"Trust me," I said, "I have no idea where our baby is."

Ever since I've downloaded Adblock, all the single girls in my area seem to have lost interest...

A lost dog strays into the jungle..

Why do hipsters love Raiders of the Lost Ark?

Because it's the first Indy movie.

BREAKING NEWS: A man who took an Airline company to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.

I got so drunk the other night that I lost my glasses.

The rest is a blur.

Unfortunately I lost my Korean friend the other day.

So Yung.

Sex after Surgery

A recent article in the Dominion Post reported that a woman has sued Wellington Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied: "Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight!"

So... the girl I lost my virginity to was retarded.

I wanted my first time to be special.

When my first wife lost her credit card, I didn't report it.

Because whoever found it was spending less than she was.

I lost two things today. My virginity...

...and my job at the morgue.

Hillary Clinton lost last time to the first African American president, Barack Obama. Why will she lose this one to Donald Trump?

Because orange is the new black.

Yeah, I lost to my computer at chess.

But it turned out to be no match for me at kickboxing.

My buddy just lost his job at a cinema that only shows Pixar films...

He forgot to show Up

My friend David lost his ID the other day

Now we just call him dav

I'm positive I lost an electron...

...better keep an ion that.

My daughter just lost her first tooth!

That'll teach her to talk back.

The woman who injected her 8-year old daughter with Botox for beauty pageants has lost custody.

The child didn't look surprised.

My wife left me because she said I had a drinking problem

After she left I lost the urge to drink.

If you Google "lost mediaeval servant boy"

You get "This page cannot be found".

I was writing a joke about a stone rolling up a hill, but it lost momentum.

It still has potential.

I lost my watch at a party.

After some intensive searching through the crowd, I spotted it lying on the floor. There was a guy standing on it. When I looked up, I saw the guy harassing a girl, touching her at all the wrong places. She obviously didn't approve. So I walked over there and punched this guy in the face. Nobody treats girls like that. Not on my watch.

Do you know why Bill Clinton played the saxophone?

Because he lost his whoremonica

Looking for his wife...

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked,

You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket.
Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?

Why?

Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.

What does Superman and a Blood gang member who lost his gun have in common?

Neither one of them want to see a Kryptonite...

Today I gave my seat to a blind lady on the bus,

That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.

I tried to sue the airport for losing my luggage.

I lost my case.

I found a wallet on the sidewalk today. I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but then I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?

And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

(Emo Philips)

My son lost his first tooth today.

That will teach him to talk back...

I lost 40 pounds in a day;

but I also lost my babysitting job.

My grandfather was a legendary Russian roulette player

He only ever lost once

My dad is a professional Russian roulette player.

He only lost once.

The Irish must have lost so much money last night due to betting.

They'll be asking to rejoin the United Kingdom later today.

I've lost 7lbs this week.

Or as my girlfriend calls it, "the baby".

What's the difference between the lost city of Atlantis and Florida?

About 3 days

In all honesty though, my thoughts and good wishes go out to the people of Florida,

My marriage was a like a hurricane.

At the beginning there was a lot of blowing, but in the end I lost my house.

I was talking to a girl in a bar last night

She said, "If you lost a few kgs, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

A man has lost his wife in a supermarket...

And while looking for her, he sees a stunning brunette. The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked,

You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?

Why?

Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.

TIL that after starring in 21 Kevin Spacey tried to play Blackjack professionally and lost all of his money.

Kept hitting on 17.

A man lost his luggage so he took the airline company to court

Apparently he lost his case

I lost my voice today

I can't tell you how annoying it is.

When I lost my pistol, the Army charged me $125.

That's why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

I received a flier on anger management the other day

I lost it

Old Soviet joke.

Reagan and Gorbachev run a marathon.

Reagan won.

Next day US newspapers: Reagan won. Gorgachev lost .

Soviet newspapers: Gorbachev finished second. Reagan finished next to last .

A girl once told me, If you lost about 50 pounds you'd be cute

I told her, if I lost 50 pounds I'd be talking to your friends!

I lost my job at the bank on the first day...

...a lady asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over

What do Daredevil and Scarlet Which have in common?

They both lost their vision

So I lost my mood ring yesterday...

I'm not sure how I feel about that.

I started going to the gym a year ago and so far I lost 500 pounds!

The only problem is I'm British...

I gave up my seat to a blind guy on the bus.

I lost my job.

I was shopping with my wife and I couldn't find her, until I saw a beautiful women.

I ask her: I have lost my wife, can I talk to you?

She replies: Why?

I say: You will see in 20 seconds.

One day, a taxi cab passenger touched...

a new cab driver on his shoulder to ask him something. The driver squealed EEEEEEEEEE! , lost control of car, and screeched to a stop after mounting the sidewalk. The passenger apologised profusely & said: "I had no idea you would be startled by me tapping your shoulder!"

Driver replied: Im sorry it's not your fault; I used to be funeral driver for 25 years.

Since I've installed Adblock Plus

All the girls in my area suddenly lost their interest in me.

I loaned $200 to my girlfriend 5 years ago. She returned exactly $200 after we separated.

I lost interest in that relationship

Sadly, I've lost 20% of my sight

Sigh.....

This season of Earth is not realistic

So many plot holes. Like, where did the murder hornets go? Why introduce them if they're not important to the story?

I'm feeling Lost.

I went to the doctors yesterday and unfortunately he told me i lost 20% of my sight

Sigh...

Got fired from my job at the keyboard factory

At first I just wasn't putting in enough shifts, then I couldn't keep the space clean and finally I lost control

A drunk driver is being interrogated

Detective : okay buddy, walk me through the whole thing, from the top

Driver : I don't know, it all happened so fast, I need a drink of water..

Detective : Your water is on its way. But first, tell me if this was premeditated.

Driver : NO! I swear, I just lost control of the car and I was gonna either hit that one guy to the left of the road or plow into that open picnic party full of kids that was on the other side of the road. What would you have done!?

Detective : well, I would have turned for the one guy

Driver : Exactly what I thought as well! But then that guy ran into the picnic party and I had to go after him.

A man approached a very beautiful woman

A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why do you want to talk to me?" she asked puzzled. "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

A zookeeper lost a pair of mongoose to a storm and needed to replace them. He began writing an email to his supplier...

Dear sir, please send me two mongooses at once.

That didn't sound right, so he tried again.

Dear sir, please send me two mongeese at once.

That still didn't sound right, so he gave it one last attempt:

Dear sir, please send me one mongoose. And while you're at it- send me another mongoose.

(In memory of my dad who told that joke at every family gathering for 30 years.)

Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One cowboy sees a tree that's draped in bacon. A bacon tree ! We're saved! He says. He runs to the tree and is shot up with bullets.

It wasn't a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.

My BDSM community took me to court for not being hardcore enough. I got off with just a slap on the wrist.

So I lost the case.

Two cowboys are lost in the desert.

No food or drink. One of them spots a tree draped in bacon! He shouts A bacon tree, we're saved and runs towards it. As he gets closer it shoots him full of bullets.

Turns out it wasn't a bacon tree.

It was a ham bush

I lost my watch at a party

I lost my watch at a party once. An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at the party. Infuriated I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.

Heisenberg and Schroedinger are driving together, but they get stopped by a police officer.

The officer asks, "Did you know you were driving at 75 mph?"

Heisenberg sighs, "Oh great, now we're lost."

The cop is unhappy, and checks the car's trunk. He asks, "And why is there a dead cat in here?"

Schroedinger grumbles, "Well there is NOW!"

COVID-19 is not a joke and should be taken seriously

A former patient was so brain damaged afterwards that he wrongly believed he'd won an election that he actually lost by 7 million votes.

Two men are lost in the desert when they spot a tree covered in bacon.

One of the men exclaims "a bacon tree! we're saved". However as he rushes over to it he dies in a hail of bullets. It turns out that it wasn't a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.

What do you call a bunch of hedge funds that already lost $70 B shorting stocks?

A good start. HOLD the LINE.

A man is dying. He lies in his bed with his wife next to him.

He says to her:

'you remember when i lost my job some years ago?'

'yes'

'you were by my side'

'yes'

'and when our son died in a car crash?'

'yes'

'you were by my side'

'yes'

'and now I'm dying of cancer you're still by my side'

'yes'

'you know what?'

'no'

'i think you bring me bad luck'

What do Scarlet Witch and Daredevil both have in common?

They both wear red and lost their Vision.

Heisenberg and Schrodinger are in a car ...

Heisenberg and Schrodinger are in a car. They get pulled over.
Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"No, but I know exactly where I am!" Heisenberg replies.
The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35."
Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"
The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says "You have a dead cat back here!"
"We do now, asshole!" shouts Schrodinger.

They won't be serving beer for the rest of the year at Chicago Cubs baseball games.

They lost the opener.

What will happen if an 110lb kid is jogging at 4mph, and a 3000lb car hits him at a constant speed of 55mph?

He gets hit by the truck, and is severely injured.



So anyways I lost my license today

A wealthy woman had lost her right hand and left foot in a car accident.

Her doctor told her that he would have her new prosthetics ready the next day. She sent her servant to go pick them up from the hospital. The servant was a couple hours early. The servant waited on her hand and foot.

Read the whole thing, it's worth it

A woman sued a hospital stating that after recent treatment, her husband has lost interest in sex

The hospital in their defense stated all we did was correct his eyesight

Lost my job as an Old West saloon piano player when a mysterious stranger walked in the door

and I just kept playing

A dog lost its tail.

So it went to the retail center.