Loss Jokes
142 loss jokes and hilarious loss puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about loss that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Jokes about loss come in many forms and can be used to ease the pain of a difficult situation. Whether it’s dealing with hair loss, memory loss, hearing loss, or even a mastectomy, learn how to find the humour in loss and avenge the fatal sadness. Find out how to make light of situations that can often seem overwhelming in this article.
Quick Jump To
- Short Loss Jokes
- Loss One Liners
- Memory Loss Jokes
- Weight Loss Jokes
- Hearing Loss Jokes
- Hair Loss Jokes
- More Loss Jokes
Funniest Loss Short Jokes
Short loss jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The loss humour may include short loser jokes also.
- A Covid test nurse asked me if I've had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, "No, I've dressed like this for quite a while."
- Why is Bernie Sanders challenging his 49 vs 50% loss in Iowa? I thought he didn't care about the 1%
- My mum suffers with short term memory loss Hope it doesn't run in the family because my mums got it too
- Dear Americans Dear Americans,
As today is 9.11 I wish you all the best and am really sorry for your losses.
Greetings from Europe! - An atom walks into a bar… Bartender: What are you doing here?
Atom: I'm celebrating the loss of an electron.
Bartender: I'm keeping my ion you.
Atom: Don't worry, I'll keep things positive. - Did you hear about the man who had his right side cut off He's dead. Died from blood loss. Poor guy. On the bright side, his family got what's left of him.
- My father suffers from short term memory loss I hope it doesn't run in the family because my dad has it.
- I asked my librarian if she had a book on short term memory loss... I asked my librarian if she had a book on short term memory loss...
- Local mom finds cure to weight loss, Scientist are dumbfounded... at how gullible people on the internet are.
- A fortune teller told me I'd suffer a tragic heartbreaking loss in 12 years So to cheer myself up I got a puppy
Share These Loss Jokes With Friends
Loss One Liners
Which loss one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with loss? I can suggest the ones about losing and gain.
- What do you get for winning a muscle loss competition? Atrophy.
- to help cope with his loss Roy Moore ordered a 12 year old whiskey she didn't like it
- To the guy who stole my weight loss pills.. You'll have nothing to gain.
- What did the winner of the muscle loss contest receive as a prize? Atrophy
- A thief broke into my house and stole my prized thesaurus. I am at a loss for words.
- What's the opposite of a Baldwin? Hair loss.
- Why did Novak Djokovic loss the Australian Open? He missed 2 shots.
- The castle in Tallinn was destroyed yesterday It was a huge loss
- Alcoholism causes memory loss, liver diesase, And memory loss.
- Stay away from the marijuanas it can cause memory loss Or even worse, memory loss.
- Drinking can cause memory loss...or even worse Memory loss
- What food, when consumed by a female, causes a complete loss of desire? Wedding cake.
- If you suffer from short term memory loss If you suffer from short term memory loss
- I can't find my dictionary I'm at a loss for words
- What losses its head in the morning and gets it back in the evening? A pillow
Memory Loss Jokes
Here is a list of funny memory loss jokes and even better memory loss puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call a show about two cokeheads with short term memory loss? Whose Line Is It Anyway?
- I've heard that head injuries can cause memory loss, but I still don't wear a bike helmet. I don't even remember the last time I fell off my bike.
- What do you call it when a shepherd can't find his ram? Memory loss.
- My mom suffers from short term memory loss. I hope it isn't congenital Because my mom's got it too
- A man goes to the doctor to report a serious memory loss problem Man: Doctor, I have a serious memory loss problem
Doctor: Hmm.. and since when did you have this problem?
Man: What problem? - My Mom Had Memory Loss. I hope I don't have it, as it runs in the family. You see, my mom had memory loss
- Psychiatrist: "How long have you had short-term memory loss?" Patient: "As long as I can remember."
- Alcohol can cause memory loss. But, it can also cause memory loss.
- Say what you will about memory loss... But, say what you will about memory loss.
- I just created a memory loss pill! At least, I think I did...
Weight Loss Jokes
Here is a list of funny weight loss jokes and even better weight loss puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Just bought a new phone, it's helping me with weight loss I don't have money to eat anything for 2 months.
- A man invested in a weight loss diet from Britain He lost 10,000 pounds! But it didn't work
- What do they call a Double Quarter Pounder with cheese, large fries, and a Diet Coke in France? "The American Weight Loss Plan."
- Weight-loss pills are very effective... They drain your bank account so you don't have money for food.
- My wife told me she and her sister started a weight loss competition to see who can shed the most pounds before their cousin's wedding this summer. "I hope you win" was not the correct response.
- Why did Mike Tyson hire the Devil as his weight loss trainer? He said he wanted to be a little thinner.
- Ahhh Communism My favorite weight loss program
- My wife and I started dieting together and we have a combined weight loss of 60 Lbs! My wife is down 80 Lbs.
- Jared Fogel's weight loss secret finally revealed! He's been eating the kids meal all this time
- My parents congratulated me on my 215lb weight loss... I don't think they liked my ex-boyfriend.
Hearing Loss Jokes
Here is a list of funny hearing loss jokes and even better hearing loss puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Doctor: I'm so sorry for your loss.. Me: w-what are you saying?
Doctor: ..of hearing.
Me: what? - Did you hear about the fire at the cheese factory? Nearly a total loss... All that was left was de-brie.
- Did you hear about Trump's tax plan? Declare that the US has a $900 million loss so we all don't have to pay taxes!
- Wanna hear a joke from someone with short term memory loss? Yeah
Yeah, what?
The joke
What joke - Did you hear the Mississippi governor's mansion burned down? It was a total loss. Clear down to the axles.
- The headphones I just bought for $400 doesn't seem to be working... hope I'm having a hearing loss.
- "Have I ever told you my sudden hearing loss story?" "Well you see there was a man who-" *cut of suddenly and keep moving your mouth like you're still talking*
- Hear about the coma induced weight loss program prescribed by doctors? They call it a *die*t.
- Called my doctor about hearing loss, he asked me what were the symptoms. I told him it was a show on Fox about an abusive alcoholic father, but that's hardly relevant.
- What is the world's leading cause of hearing loss? Religion.
Hair Loss Jokes
Here is a list of funny hair loss jokes and even better hair loss puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My wife left me because I kept making jokes about her going bald. Well that's hair loss
- My girlfriend and I are fighting over my recent hair loss... I really hope it's just a rough patch
- My wife is leaving me because I'm balding It's fine.. it's hair loss.
- Worried about hair loss? Just draw little rabbits on your head. From a distance they'll look like hares.
- My wife is leaving me because I'm going bald. I'm not bothered though, it's hair loss.
- What do you call the American president when he's taking his prescription hair-loss medication? ...IM-P.O.T.U.S.
Playful Loss Jokes to Add Joy and Laughter to Your Group
What funny jokes about loss you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean profit jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make loss pranks.
"Having too much s**... can result in memory loss."
I read that on page 37, paragraph five of the New England Medical Journal on September 15th, 2014 at 10:37 am.
Having too much s**... can cause memory loss
I read it on page 37 in a medical journal in November 2006 at 4:19pm
A die-hard fan was very surprised to see an empty seat at the Superbowl...
He noticed a woman sitting next to the empty seat and made a remark about it to her. "Well, it was my husband's", she said. "But he died." "Oh my gosh!" He said. "I'm sorry for your loss, but I'm surprised that another friend or family member didn't jump at the chance to take the ticket." "Beats me", she said. "They all insisted on going to the f**...."
2 old buddies mourning the loss of a friend
2 old friends are catching up at an old pal's f**.... One takes a moment to pause and finally asks the question.
"So... How'd it happen?"
To which the other responds.
"Well, as I understand it, he went to the doctor the other day and the doctor said he was 'as healthy as a horse.' But on the way home he broke a leg."
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day....
One remarked, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "It's Thursday..."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
A man and his wife go out to eat...
...as they are being served their food the wife says "if I worked here, I'd weigh 200 pounds!"
The man responds "so you'd loss weight?"
This was an actually conversation by my parents, all in good fun of course.
Tony Romo was depressed after yesterday's loss.
He was so upset he got his gun, pointed it at his throwing hand, and pulled the trigger.
He's OK, The bullet was intercepted.
Best way to answer a call: Mario's Pizzeria and Abortion Clinic: Your Loss is Our Sauce
self.Jokes
Best lines when dealing with telemarketers
Some of the better ones
* City Morgue, you stab 'em, we slab 'em
* Mario's Pizzaria and Abortion Clinic, your loss is our sauce, may I take your order?
* Roadkill Cafe, you kill it, we grill it
* Mort's Mortuary, you slice 'em, we ice 'em
* Bob's Back Alley Abortion Parlour, you r**... 'em, we scrape 'em, no fetus can beat us
Anyone have more?
I can't remember where I read this, but I heard too much m**... causes memory loss.
What does Ukraine have in common with the iPhone 7?
They both suffered the loss of one very important port.
The UK Government has decided to make l**... legal as a drug for weight loss
It makes sense if you think about it. It's kinda hard to get to the fridge when there's a dragon guarding it...
I tried explaining to my girlfriend what the effects of network packet loss were.
I couldn't get the message across.
My girlfriend has been crying for hours now after the loss of a child.
She takes The Sims very seriously.
Studies have shown that smoking w**... causes short term memory loss.
Next thing you know they'll be saying smoking w**... causes short term memory loss.
An old lady, after a long life of loss and agony, was going to commit s**... by shooting herself in the heart with a crossbow. She researched human anatomy and learned her heart was just under her left breast.....
She was just admitted to the ER with an arrow to the knee.
In memory of my father, who died of blood loss because sadly no one could figure out his blood type.
As I stood beside him it was incredibly moving to hear him repeat, over and over, these inspirational last words: "Be positive, son! Be positive!"
Father, I don't know if you can hear me, but if you do, just know I will always remember to be positive.
The Scrabble museum was robbed last night.
the curators are at a loss for words.
Two men are waiting for appointments with their insurance claims adjuster.
They chat and learn they have a common bond. The first one says "My restaurant was wiped out by a fire, everything inside was wrecked."
The second one says "Mine was taken out by a flood, total loss too."
The first one thinks a bit then asks "How do you start a flood?"
Man and his wife join a weight loss club. They're told to try and lose at least 2 pounds by the next week.
When they return after a week the mentor asks them how much they lost.
The wife begins, "I lost 10 pounds".
"That's amazing! Well done, and you?" He says, pointing at the husband.
"Well, I actually gained 10 pounds", the husband responds.
"Oh, that's no good at all. How did that happen?" asks the mentor.
"I bet my wife a tenner she wouldn't lose any weight this week".
Well - Mrs. Smith, it would seem that you're pregnant.
Sweet Jesus, that's wonderful, I'm pregnant, Doctor?!
Oh not at all, but at first glance, it would certainly seem so. Here's our weight loss brochure.
If smoking m**... causes short term memory loss,
what does smoking m**... do?
Did you know that l**... is a really effective weight loss drug?
How are you supposed to eat if there's a dragon guarding the fridge?
I was at the f**... of my friend Steve and started talking to his widow.
Me: "I'm sorry for your loss, at least he's not suffering anymore."
Her: "He was shot. The doctor said he died instantly."
Me: "I mean he doesn't have to deal with you now"
I have read that symptoms of the Covid19 virus can include loss of smell and taste. Well I don't know about your sense of smell....
But judging by your hair and clothes I think you might've had this disease for quite some time.
A 90 year old woman had just lost her husband of 70 years. She phoned the local paper to put her loss in the obituary.
The receptionist tells her that its £1 per word.
"Oh my. I don't have much money so can you just write 'Mort is dead,' please?"
Feeling sorry for the poor old lady, the receptionist tells her she can have another 3 words, free of charge.
The recently widowed OAP thinks for a second and says: " Mort is dead. Volvo for sale."
The US government has been there for us through hard times From the great depression, the numerous market crashes, through pandemics of flu and tragedies like the loss of American lives.
I'm starting to think they're bad luck
If smoking w**... causes short-term memory loss...
Then what does smoking w**... do?
Let's hold on for another 130 days.
If we give up now and skip this year, it's admitting our loss and saying 2021.
COVID-19 home test:
Open a beer and smell it. If you can smell the beer, this is good, as one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is a loss of smell.
Now drink the beer. If you can taste it, this is good, as another symptom of COVID-19 is loss of taste.
I was tested 11 times yesterday, and all tests turned out negative.
I need more testing today, since headache is another potential symptom...
Did you know too much s**... can cause memory loss
I read that in a medical journal on page 34 at 3:23 pm last year on Wednesday November the 7th.
I was seriously depressed after a recent loss. My GF bought me an Xbox
But that didn't help. So she tried a Playstation - no luck there either. She ended up going through everything from a Sega Master System to a Nintendo Switch, but nothing helped - turns out I was just inconsolable
What's the difference between being vegan and having Covid 19?
With Covid the loss of taste is only temporary...
Because of his loss in Wisconsin, Trump has put a ban on all shredded cheese.
It's the only way he can make America GRATE again.
Credit to my 12 year old son.
Why is Donald Trump actually angry about the election outcome?
It's a loss he **can't** write off on his tax returns.
A doctor sees an obese women to advise her about weight loss.
The women defensively says, "Look, I'm obese. My sister is obese. My mother is obese. My kids are obese. My brother is obese. Obesity runs in my family." The doctor replies, "It sounds like nobody runs in your family."
Two older male dolphins notice their hairlines are starting to recede.
Dolphins go bald, too. Tough for humans to notice, but dolphins notice... Anyway...
Understandably, they start getting a little down in the dumps recognizing the loss of their youth and feeling a profound sense of their own mortality.
In a moment of clarity, one dolphin says to his buddy, Hey compadre, we don't have to just *accept* this as our new normal, ya know? What with modern fashion and technology these days… we can *do* something about this!
So they went out and bought matching hairpieces. They were toupees in a pod.
After an embarrassing loss, the coach announced to the players:
When I told you to play like you have never played before, i did not mean that you should play like you have never *played* before!
A man went to the doctor for a routine checkup
He was generally well, just thought it was a good idea to check in. The doctor, however, immediately reached for the covid swab.
"I'm going to test you for Covid19" the Doctor said.
"But I'm well, no complaints, why would you do that?" Replied the man.
"Well..." The doctor started, his gaze narrowing. "Loss of taste is a known symptom of the virus, and you're wearing Crocs."
Did you guys know too much s**... can cause memory loss?
I learnt that in a medical journal, page 34. At 3:38pm on Thursday the 7th.
Side effects may include weight gain, depression and loss of s**... drive.
Ask your doctor if marriage is right for you.
In today's European Championship soccer match, several players from the Czech Republic were seen slipping on the grass repeatedly in their loss to Denmark, while their Danish opponents didn't seem to have an issue at all.
Must be an issue with Czechs and balances.
Football joke
Timmy, the goalkeeper of the school team, is sitting on the field after a big loss.
"My boy", an old man said behind him, "I saw you play. I think I can help you"
"Are you a coach?"
"No I'm an eye doctor"
(Not OC) A man is sitting down in his seat at the Superbowl when he sees an empty seat beside him...
He turns to the man sitting one over and says "wow, it's amazing to see an empty seat at the Superbowl."
The seated man says "It's my wife's seat, she'd come with me every year to the Superbowl but she passed away and couldn't make it this year.
The other man responds "Jesus, I'm so sorry to hear and sorry for your loss. But surely you could have found someone, a cousin, a family friend or anything.."
The seated man says "I could, but they're all at her f**...."
My friend had an affair with a patient. Worked so hard to achieve his degree and one mistake means he lost everything.
A great loss to the veterinary profession.
So Putin decides to change Russia's Identity
He calls the Queen of Great Britain for advice.
Putin - "Queen Elizabeth, I'd like to have Russia be a Kingdom. I feel it would give it the gravitas it deserves"
The Queen - "But Vladimir, you need to have a king to be a Kingdom"
Putin - "Well what about a Principality then?"
The Queen - "No Vladimir, you need a prince to have a Principality"
Putin - "Then I'm at a loss, what should Russia be"
The Queen - "I think you are quite suited to be a Country, wouldn't you agree"
Having too much s**... can cause memory loss.
I read it on page 14 in a medical journal on the 14th November 2019 at 3.19pm
So apparently the Senate just passed a bill to make Daylight Savings Time permanent
Most people are excited about the change, but I think if it passes the House it'll be hour loss.
A old man passes away peacefully in his sleep after a long illness
His wife calls the county to come pick up his body.
The county operator answers "Yes, ma'am, I'm very sorry for your loss. Can you tell me your address?"
"Yes, we live at 148 Eucalyptus Street."
"Can you spell that for me?"
"Y-U...no, wait, that's not right...E-Y-C...no, no that's not right...Tell you what, I'll just drag him over to Oak Street and you can pick him up there."
