Loss Jokes
138 loss jokes and hilarious loss puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about loss that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Jokes about loss come in many forms and can be used to ease the pain of a difficult situation. Whether it’s dealing with hair loss, memory loss, hearing loss, or even a mastectomy, learn how to find the humour in loss and avenge the fatal sadness. Find out how to make light of situations that can often seem overwhelming in this article.
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Funniest Loss Short Jokes
Short loss jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The loss humour may include short loser jokes also.
- A Covid test nurse asked me if I've had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, "No, I've dressed like this for quite a while."
- Why is Bernie Sanders challenging his 49 vs 50% loss in Iowa? I thought he didn't care about the 1%
- My mum suffers with short term memory loss Hope it doesn't run in the family because my mums got it too
- Dear Americans Dear Americans,
As today is 9.11 I wish you all the best and am really sorry for your losses.
Greetings from Europe! - An atom walks into a bar… Bartender: What are you doing here?
Atom: I'm celebrating the loss of an electron.
Bartender: I'm keeping my ion you.
Atom: Don't worry, I'll keep things positive. - I asked my librarian if she had a book on short term memory loss... I asked my librarian if she had a book on short term memory loss...
- What's the difference between being vegan and having Covid 19? With Covid the loss of taste is only temporary...
- What do you call a show about two cokeheads with short term memory loss? Whose Line Is It Anyway?
- I tried explaining to my girlfriend what the effects of network packet loss were. I couldn't get the message across.
- Doctor: I'm so sorry for your loss.. Me: w-what are you saying?
Doctor: ..of hearing.
Me: what?
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Loss One Liners
Which loss one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with loss? I can suggest the ones about losing and gain.
- What do you get for winning a muscle loss competition? Atrophy.
- to help cope with his loss Roy Moore ordered a 12 year old whiskey she didn't like it
- A thief broke into my house and stole my prized thesaurus. I am at a loss for words.
- What's the opposite of a Baldwin? Hair loss.
- Why did Novak Djokovic loss the Australian Open? He missed 2 shots.
- The castle in Tallinn was destroyed yesterday It was a huge loss
- Alcoholism causes memory loss, liver diesase, And memory loss.
- Stay away from the marijuanas it can cause memory loss Or even worse, memory loss.
- Drinking can cause memory loss...or even worse Memory loss
- If you suffer from short term memory loss If you suffer from short term memory loss
- I can't find my dictionary I'm at a loss for words
- What losses its head in the morning and gets it back in the evening? A pillow
- What do you call it when a shepherd can't find his ram? Memory loss.
- The Scrabble museum was robbed last night. the curators are at a loss for words.
- Alcohol can cause memory loss. But, it can also cause memory loss.
Memory Loss Jokes
Here is a list of funny memory loss jokes and even better memory loss puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I've heard that head injuries can cause memory loss, but I still don't wear a bike helmet. I don't even remember the last time I fell off my bike.
- My mom suffers from short term memory loss. I hope it isn't congenital Because my mom's got it too
- A man goes to the doctor to report a serious memory loss problem Man: Doctor, I have a serious memory loss problem
Doctor: Hmm.. and since when did you have this problem?
Man: What problem? - My Mom Had Memory Loss. I hope I don't have it, as it runs in the family. You see, my mom had memory loss
- Psychiatrist: "How long have you had short-term memory loss?" Patient: "As long as I can remember."
- Say what you will about memory loss... But, say what you will about memory loss.
- I just created a memory loss pill! At least, I think I did...
- If you suffer from short term memory loss I could've sworn I've done this already
- My mom suffers from short-term memory loss I hope it's nothing genetic because I'm worried since my mom suffers from short-term memory loss
- How many people with short-term memory loss does it take to... I'm sorry, where was I?
Weight Loss Jokes
Here is a list of funny weight loss jokes and even better weight loss puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Just bought a new phone, it's helping me with weight loss I don't have money to eat anything for 2 months.
- A man invested in a weight loss diet from Britain He lost 10,000 pounds! But it didn't work
- What do they call a Double Quarter Pounder with cheese, large fries, and a Diet Coke in France? "The American Weight Loss Plan."
- Weight-loss pills are very effective... They drain your bank account so you don't have money for food.
- My wife told me she and her sister started a weight loss competition to see who can shed the most pounds before their cousin's wedding this summer. "I hope you win" was not the correct response.
- Why did Mike Tyson hire the Devil as his weight loss trainer? He said he wanted to be a little thinner.
- Ahhh Communism My favorite weight loss program
- Jared Fogel's weight loss secret finally revealed! He's been eating the kids meal all this time
- My parents congratulated me on my 215lb weight loss... I don't think they liked my ex-boyfriend.
- New name for weight loss pills Pills of mass destruction!
Hearing Loss Jokes
Here is a list of funny hearing loss jokes and even better hearing loss puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Did you hear about the fire at the cheese factory? Nearly a total loss... All that was left was de-brie.
- Did you hear about Trump's tax plan? Declare that the US has a $900 million loss so we all don't have to pay taxes!
- Wanna hear a joke from someone with short term memory loss? Yeah
Yeah, what?
The joke
What joke - Did you hear the Mississippi governor's mansion burned down? It was a total loss. Clear down to the axles.
- The headphones I just bought for $400 doesn't seem to be working... hope I'm having a hearing loss.
- "Have I ever told you my sudden hearing loss story?" "Well you see there was a man who-" *cut of suddenly and keep moving your mouth like you're still talking*
- Hear about the coma induced weight loss program prescribed by doctors? They call it a *die*t.
- Called my doctor about hearing loss, he asked me what were the symptoms. I told him it was a show on Fox about an abusive alcoholic father, but that's hardly relevant.
- What is the world's leading cause of hearing loss? Religion.
- Did you hear michael phelps lost all his Olympic awards? He hasn't won a race yet. I guess you could say the loss of his metal medals meddled his mettle.
Hair Loss Jokes
Here is a list of funny hair loss jokes and even better hair loss puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My wife left me because I kept making jokes about her going bald. Well that's hair loss
- My girlfriend and I are fighting over my recent hair loss... I really hope it's just a rough patch
- My wife is leaving me because I'm balding It's fine.. it's hair loss.
Playful Loss Jokes to Add Joy and Laughter to Your Group
What funny jokes about loss you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean profit jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make loss pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"Having too much s**... can result in memory loss."
I read that on page 37, paragraph five of the New England Medical Journal on September 15th, 2014 at 10:37 am.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A die-hard fan was very surprised to see an empty seat at the Superbowl...
He noticed a woman sitting next to the empty seat and made a remark about it to her. "Well, it was my husband's", she said. "But he died." "Oh my gosh!" He said. "I'm sorry for your loss, but I'm surprised that another friend or family member didn't jump at the chance to take the ticket." "Beats me", she said. "They all insisted on going to the f**...."
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
2 old buddies mourning the loss of a friend
2 old friends are catching up at an old pal's f**.... One takes a moment to pause and finally asks the question.
"So... How'd it happen?"
To which the other responds.
"Well, as I understand it, he went to the doctor the other day and the doctor said he was 'as healthy as a horse.' But on the way home he broke a leg."
A man and his wife go out to eat...
...as they are being served their food the wife says "if I worked here, I'd weigh 200 pounds!"
The man responds "so you'd loss weight?"
This was an actually conversation by my parents, all in good fun of course.
Best way to answer a call: Mario's Pizzeria and Abortion Clinic: Your Loss is Our Sauce
self.Jokes
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Best lines when dealing with telemarketers
Some of the better ones
* City Morgue, you stab 'em, we slab 'em
* Mario's Pizzaria and Abortion Clinic, your loss is our sauce, may I take your order?
* Roadkill Cafe, you kill it, we grill it
* Mort's Mortuary, you slice 'em, we ice 'em
* Bob's Back Alley Abortion Parlour, you r**... 'em, we scrape 'em, no fetus can beat us
Anyone have more?
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I can't remember where I read this, but I heard too much m**... causes memory loss.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Local mom finds cure to weight loss, Scientist are dumbfounded...
at how gullible people on the internet are.
What does Ukraine have in common with the iPhone 7?
They both suffered the loss of one very important port.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The UK Government has decided to make l**... legal as a drug for weight loss
It makes sense if you think about it. It's kinda hard to get to the fridge when there's a dragon guarding it...
105 Year Old Mae
Her granddaughter asked her how she lived so long, Mae replied "For better digestion, I drink beer. In the case of appetite loss, I drink white wine. In the case of low blood pressure, I drink red wine. In the case of high blood pressure, I drink Scotch. And when I have a cold, I drink Schnapps."
"When do you drink water?" the granddaughter asked
"I've never been that sick."
My girlfriend has been crying for hours now after the loss of a child.
She takes The Sims very seriously.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Studies have shown that smoking w**... causes short term memory loss.
Next thing you know they'll be saying smoking w**... causes short term memory loss.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old lady, after a long life of loss and agony, was going to commit s**... by shooting herself in the heart with a crossbow. She researched human anatomy and learned her heart was just under her left breast.....
She was just admitted to the ER with an arrow to the knee.
In memory of my father, who died of blood loss because sadly no one could figure out his blood type.
As I stood beside him it was incredibly moving to hear him repeat, over and over, these inspirational last words: "Be positive, son! Be positive!"
Father, I don't know if you can hear me, but if you do, just know I will always remember to be positive.
Two men are waiting for appointments with their insurance claims adjuster.
They chat and learn they have a common bond. The first one says "My restaurant was wiped out by a fire, everything inside was wrecked."
The second one says "Mine was taken out by a flood, total loss too."
The first one thinks a bit then asks "How do you start a flood?"
Man and his wife join a weight loss club. They're told to try and lose at least 2 pounds by the next week.
When they return after a week the mentor asks them how much they lost.
The wife begins, "I lost 10 pounds".
"That's amazing! Well done, and you?" He says, pointing at the husband.
"Well, I actually gained 10 pounds", the husband responds.
"Oh, that's no good at all. How did that happen?" asks the mentor.
"I bet my wife a tenner she wouldn't lose any weight this week".
Well - Mrs. Smith, it would seem that you're pregnant.
Sweet Jesus, that's wonderful, I'm pregnant, Doctor?!
Oh not at all, but at first glance, it would certainly seem so. Here's our weight loss brochure.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
TIL h**... can cause hearing loss.
I guess the patients must have hearing aids.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I feel sorry for Neymar's ancestors after today's loss
They must be rolling in their graves.
Not mine but felt it had to be shared.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
To the guy who stole my weight loss pills..
You'll have nothing to gain.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If smoking m**... causes short term memory loss,
what does smoking m**... do?
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you know that l**... is a really effective weight loss drug?
How are you supposed to eat if there's a dragon guarding the fridge?
Stop saying sorry and start thanking, e.g. instead of "sorry I'm late" say "thanks for waiting"
So I said "Thank you for your loss."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was at the f**... of my friend Steve and started talking to his widow.
Me: "I'm sorry for your loss, at least he's not suffering anymore."
Her: "He was shot. The doctor said he died instantly."
Me: "I mean he doesn't have to deal with you now"
A 90 year old woman had just lost her husband of 70 years. She phoned the local paper to put her loss in the obituary.
The receptionist tells her that its £1 per word.
"Oh my. I don't have much money so can you just write 'Mort is dead,' please?"
Feeling sorry for the poor old lady, the receptionist tells her she can have another 3 words, free of charge.
The recently widowed OAP thinks for a second and says: " Mort is dead. Volvo for sale."
The US government has been there for us through hard times From the great depression, the numerous market crashes, through pandemics of flu and tragedies like the loss of American lives.
I'm starting to think they're bad luck
I saw my ex-girlfriend last week
We were both at a loss for words when we saw each other. I was wondering what to say and she was wondering why I was in her apartment.
Let's hold on for another 130 days.
If we give up now and skip this year, it's admitting our loss and saying 2021.
I was seriously depressed after a recent loss. My GF bought me an Xbox
But that didn't help. So she tried a Playstation - no luck there either. She ended up going through everything from a Sega Master System to a Nintendo Switch, but nothing helped - turns out I was just inconsolable
Because of his loss in Wisconsin, Trump has put a ban on all shredded cheese.
It's the only way he can make America GRATE again.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why is Donald Trump actually angry about the election outcome?
It's a loss he **can't** write off on his tax returns.
Two older male dolphins notice their hairlines are starting to recede.
Dolphins go bald, too. Tough for humans to notice, but dolphins notice... Anyway...
Understandably, they start getting a little down in the dumps recognizing the loss of their youth and feeling a profound sense of their own mortality.
In a moment of clarity, one dolphin says to his buddy, Hey compadre, we don't have to just *accept* this as our new normal, ya know? What with modern fashion and technology these days… we can *do* something about this!
So they went out and bought matching hairpieces. They were toupees in a pod.
After an embarrassing loss, the coach announced to the players:
When I told you to play like you have never played before, i did not mean that you should play like you have never *played* before!
A man went to the doctor for a routine checkup
He was generally well, just thought it was a good idea to check in. The doctor, however, immediately reached for the covid swab.
"I'm going to test you for Covid19" the Doctor said.
"But I'm well, no complaints, why would you do that?" Replied the man.
"Well..." The doctor started, his gaze narrowing. "Loss of taste is a known symptom of the virus, and you're wearing Crocs."
A man wakes up the mental ward
Relax, sir, you've just had ECT.
What's that?
Electrical shock therapy. After a shock to the brain, you have temporary partial memory loss. Patients often forget about the things that cause them stress and tension, allowing to them to relax and get better.
Okay.
Now that you're awake, I'll call your wife in...
My what?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Side effects may include weight gain, depression and loss of s**... drive.
Ask your doctor if marriage is right for you.
I went to see the doctor about my hearing loss and he gave me some medicine and told me to take two drops a day in my beer.
I've been doing it for 5 days now and I still haven't noticed any improvement.
In today's European Championship soccer match, several players from the Czech Republic were seen slipping on the grass repeatedly in their loss to Denmark, while their Danish opponents didn't seem to have an issue at all.
Must be an issue with Czechs and balances.
Football joke
Timmy, the goalkeeper of the school team, is sitting on the field after a big loss.
"My boy", an old man said behind him, "I saw you play. I think I can help you"
"Are you a coach?"
"No I'm an eye doctor"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
(Not OC) A man is sitting down in his seat at the Superbowl when he sees an empty seat beside him...
He turns to the man sitting one over and says "wow, it's amazing to see an empty seat at the Superbowl."
The seated man says "It's my wife's seat, she'd come with me every year to the Superbowl but she passed away and couldn't make it this year.
The other man responds "Jesus, I'm so sorry to hear and sorry for your loss. But surely you could have found someone, a cousin, a family friend or anything.."
The seated man says "I could, but they're all at her f**...."
"I'm not a doctor
But if you die...The cancer dies at the same time. So that's not a loss.. That's a draw"
- RIP Norm MacDonald
So Putin decides to change Russia's Identity
He calls the Queen of Great Britain for advice.
Putin - "Queen Elizabeth, I'd like to have Russia be a Kingdom. I feel it would give it the gravitas it deserves"
The Queen - "But Vladimir, you need to have a king to be a Kingdom"
Putin - "Well what about a Principality then?"
The Queen - "No Vladimir, you need a prince to have a Principality"
Putin - "Then I'm at a loss, what should Russia be"
The Queen - "I think you are quite suited to be a Country, wouldn't you agree"
So apparently the Senate just passed a bill to make Daylight Savings Time permanent
Most people are excited about the change, but I think if it passes the House it'll be hour loss.
Pill commercials nowadays be like
After just one use, derpatine fixed my knee pain and I can run again!
Consult a doctor if you're experiencing any headaches, nausea, muscle pain, blurry vision, nasal congestion, loss of sight, kidney failure, hernia, heart attacks, strokes or knee pain after using derpatine
