The Best 84 Loss Jokes

"Having too much sex can result in memory loss."

I read that on page 37, paragraph five of the New England Medical Journal on September 15th, 2014 at 10:37 am.

Having too much sex can cause memory loss

I read it on page 37 in a medical journal in November 2006 at 4:19pm

A die-hard fan was very surprised to see an empty seat at the Superbowl...

He noticed a woman sitting next to the empty seat and made a remark about it to her. "Well, it was my husband's", she said. "But he died." "Oh my gosh!" He said. "I'm sorry for your loss, but I'm surprised that another friend or family member didn't jump at the chance to take the ticket." "Beats me", she said. "They all insisted on going to the funeral."

2 old buddies mourning the loss of a friend

2 old friends are catching up at an old pal's funeral. One takes a moment to pause and finally asks the question.

"So... How'd it happen?"

To which the other responds.

"Well, as I understand it, he went to the doctor the other day and the doctor said he was 'as healthy as a horse.' But on the way home he broke a leg."

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day....

One remarked, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "It's Thursday..."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

A man and his wife go out to eat...

...as they are being served their food the wife says "if I worked here, I'd weigh 200 pounds!"
The man responds "so you'd loss weight?"

This was an actually conversation by my parents, all in good fun of course.

What do you call it when a shepherd can't find his ram?

Memory loss.

Tony Romo was depressed after yesterday's loss.

He was so upset he got his gun, pointed it at his throwing hand, and pulled the trigger.

He's OK, The bullet was intercepted.

Best way to answer a call: Mario's Pizzeria and Abortion Clinic: Your Loss is Our Sauce

self.Jokes

Best lines when dealing with telemarketers

Some of the better ones

* City Morgue, you stab 'em, we slab 'em
* Mario's Pizzaria and Abortion Clinic, your loss is our sauce, may I take your order?
* Roadkill Cafe, you kill it, we grill it
* Mort's Mortuary, you slice 'em, we ice 'em
* Bob's Back Alley Abortion Parlour, you rape 'em, we scrape 'em, no fetus can beat us

Anyone have more?

What losses its head in the morning and gets it back in the evening?

A pillow

I can't remember where I read this, but I heard too much masturbating causes memory loss.

What food, when consumed by a female, causes a complete loss of desire?

Wedding cake.

Why is Bernie Sanders challenging his 49 vs 50% loss in Iowa?

I thought he didn't care about the 1%

My father suffers from short term memory loss

I hope it doesn't run in the family because my dad has it.

Did you hear about the man who had his right side cut off

He's dead. Died from blood loss. Poor guy. On the bright side, his family got what's left of him.

Did you hear about the fire at the cheese factory?

Nearly a total loss... All that was left was de-brie.

Local mom finds cure to weight loss, Scientist are dumbfounded...

at how gullible people on the internet are.

A man invested in a weight loss diet from Britain

He lost 10,000 pounds! But it didn't work

What does Ukraine have in common with the iPhone 7?

They both suffered the loss of one very important port.

The UK Government has decided to make LSD legal as a drug for weight loss

It makes sense if you think about it. It's kinda hard to get to the fridge when there's a dragon guarding it...

Just bought a new phone, it's helping me with weight loss

I don't have money to eat anything for 2 months.

I tried explaining to my girlfriend what the effects of network packet loss were.

I couldn't get the message across.

My girlfriend has been crying for hours now after the loss of a child.

She takes The Sims very seriously.

My sister is fat so they sent her to a weight loss camp....

I have ADHD, so they're sending me to a concentration camp

My mum suffers with short term memory loss

Hope it doesn't run in the family because my mums got it too

What's the opposite of a Baldwin?

Hair loss.

My Mom Had Memory Loss.

I hope I don't have it, as it runs in the family. You see, my mom had memory loss

I asked my librarian if she had a book on short term memory loss...

I asked my librarian if she had a book on short term memory loss...

Studies have shown that smoking weed causes short term memory loss.

Next thing you know they'll be saying smoking weed causes short term memory loss.

An old lady, after a long life of loss and agony, was going to commit suicide by shooting herself in the heart with a crossbow. She researched human anatomy and learned her heart was just under her left breast.....

She was just admitted to the ER with an arrow to the knee.

In memory of my father, who died of blood loss because sadly no one could figure out his blood type.

As I stood beside him it was incredibly moving to hear him repeat, over and over, these inspirational last words: "Be positive, son! Be positive!"

Father, I don't know if you can hear me, but if you do, just know I will always remember to be positive.

to help cope with his loss Roy Moore ordered a 12 year old whiskey

she didn't like it

The Scrabble museum was robbed last night.

the curators are at a loss for words.

Alcoholism causes memory loss, liver diesase,

And memory loss.

I managed to lose my rifle when I was in the army.

I had to pay $855 to cover the loss. I'm starting to understand why a Navy captain always goes down with his ship.

Two men are waiting for appointments with their insurance claims adjuster.

They chat and learn they have a common bond. The first one says "My restaurant was wiped out by a fire, everything inside was wrecked."

The second one says "Mine was taken out by a flood, total loss too."

The first one thinks a bit then asks "How do you start a flood?"

Well - Mrs. Smith, it would seem that you're pregnant.

Sweet Jesus, that's wonderful, I'm pregnant, Doctor?!

Oh not at all, but at first glance, it would certainly seem so. Here's our weight loss brochure.

TIL HIV can cause hearing loss.

I guess the patients must have hearing aids.

Doctor: I'm so sorry for your loss..

Me: w-what are you saying?

Doctor: ..of hearing.

Me: what?

To the guy who stole my weight loss pills..

You'll have nothing to gain.

Drinking can cause memory loss...or even worse

Memory loss

I can't find my dictionary

I'm at a loss for words

Stay away from the marijuanas it can cause memory loss

Or even worse, memory loss.

The castle in Tallinn was destroyed yesterday

It was a huge loss

If smoking Marijuana causes short term memory loss,

what does smoking Marijuana do?

Say what you will about memory loss...

But, say what you will about memory loss.

Did you know that LSD is a really effective weight loss drug?

How are you supposed to eat if there's a dragon guarding the fridge?

I was at the funeral of my friend Steve and started talking to his widow.

Me: "I'm sorry for your loss, at least he's not suffering anymore."

Her: "He was shot. The doctor said he died instantly."

Me: "I mean he doesn't have to deal with you now"

What do you call a show about two cokeheads with short term memory loss?

Whose Line Is It Anyway?

I have read that symptoms of the Covid19 virus can include loss of smell and taste. Well I don't know about your sense of smell....

But judging by your hair and clothes I think you might've had this disease for quite some time.

A 90 year old woman had just lost her husband of 70 years. She phoned the local paper to put her loss in the obituary.

The receptionist tells her that its £1 per word.
"Oh my. I don't have much money so can you just write 'Mort is dead,' please?"

Feeling sorry for the poor old lady, the receptionist tells her she can have another 3 words, free of charge.

The recently widowed OAP thinks for a second and says: " Mort is dead. Volvo for sale."

The US government has been there for us through hard times From the great depression, the numerous market crashes, through pandemics of flu and tragedies like the loss of American lives.

I'm starting to think they're bad luck

Psychiatrist: "How long have you had short-term memory loss?"

Patient: "As long as I can remember."

If you suffer from short term memory loss

If you suffer from short term memory loss

A man goes to the doctor to report a serious memory loss problem

Man: Doctor, I have a serious memory loss problem

Doctor: Hmm.. and since when did you have this problem?

Man: What problem?

If smoking weed causes short-term memory loss...

Then what does smoking weed do?

Let's hold on for another 130 days.

If we give up now and skip this year, it's admitting our loss and saying 2021.

What did the winner of the muscle loss contest receive as a prize?

Atrophy

COVID-19 home test:

Open a beer and smell it. If you can smell the beer, this is good, as one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is a loss of smell.

Now drink the beer. If you can taste it, this is good, as another symptom of COVID-19 is loss of taste.

I was tested 11 times yesterday, and all tests turned out negative.

I need more testing today, since headache is another potential symptom...

Did you know too much sex can cause memory loss

I read that in a medical journal on page 34 at 3:23 pm last year on Wednesday November the 7th.

I was seriously depressed after a recent loss. My GF bought me an Xbox

But that didn't help. So she tried a Playstation - no luck there either. She ended up going through everything from a Sega Master System to a Nintendo Switch, but nothing helped - turns out I was just inconsolable

What's the difference between being vegan and having Covid 19?

With Covid the loss of taste is only temporary...

Because of his loss in Wisconsin, Trump has put a ban on all shredded cheese.

It's the only way he can make America GRATE again.

Credit to my 12 year old son.

Why is Donald Trump actually angry about the election outcome?

It's a loss he **can't** write off on his tax returns.

A doctor sees an obese women to advise her about weight loss.

The women defensively says, "Look, I'm obese. My sister is obese. My mother is obese. My kids are obese. My brother is obese. Obesity runs in my family." The doctor replies, "It sounds like nobody runs in your family."

Two older male dolphins notice their hairlines are starting to recede.

Dolphins go bald, too. Tough for humans to notice, but dolphins notice... Anyway...

Understandably, they start getting a little down in the dumps recognizing the loss of their youth and feeling a profound sense of their own mortality.

In a moment of clarity, one dolphin says to his buddy, Hey compadre, we don't have to just *accept* this as our new normal, ya know? What with modern fashion and technology these days… we can *do* something about this!

So they went out and bought matching hairpieces. They were toupees in a pod.

After an embarrassing loss, the coach announced to the players:

When I told you to play like you have never played before, i did not mean that you should play like you have never *played* before!

A man went to the doctor for a routine checkup

He was generally well, just thought it was a good idea to check in. The doctor, however, immediately reached for the covid swab.

"I'm going to test you for Covid19" the Doctor said.

"But I'm well, no complaints, why would you do that?" Replied the man.

"Well..." The doctor started, his gaze narrowing. "Loss of taste is a known symptom of the virus, and you're wearing Crocs."

A Covid test nurse asked me if I've had a sudden loss of taste.

I told her, "No, I've dressed like this for quite a while."

Did you guys know too much sex can cause memory loss?

I learnt that in a medical journal, page 34. At 3:38pm on Thursday the 7th.

What do you get for winning a muscle loss competition?

Atrophy.

Side effects may include weight gain, depression and loss of sex drive.

Ask your doctor if marriage is right for you.

What do they call a Double Quarter Pounder with cheese, large fries, and a Diet Coke in France?

"The American Weight Loss Plan."

In today's European Championship soccer match, several players from the Czech Republic were seen slipping on the grass repeatedly in their loss to Denmark, while their Danish opponents didn't seem to have an issue at all.

Must be an issue with Czechs and balances.

Football joke

Timmy, the goalkeeper of the school team, is sitting on the field after a big loss.

"My boy", an old man said behind him, "I saw you play. I think I can help you"

"Are you a coach?"

"No I'm an eye doctor"

A fortune teller told me I'd suffer a tragic heartbreaking loss in 12 years

So to cheer myself up I got a puppy

Alcohol can cause memory loss.

But, it can also cause memory loss.

"Honey, I bought you a new Weight Loss Tape!"

"How the hell are we gonna play a tape?!"

​

"No silly, it goes over your mouth"

My friend told me excessive masturbation can lead to memory loss.

It's the sixth time he's told me.

(Not OC) A man is sitting down in his seat at the Superbowl when he sees an empty seat beside him...

He turns to the man sitting one over and says "wow, it's amazing to see an empty seat at the Superbowl."

The seated man says "It's my wife's seat, she'd come with me every year to the Superbowl but she passed away and couldn't make it this year.

The other man responds "Jesus, I'm so sorry to hear and sorry for your loss. But surely you could have found someone, a cousin, a family friend or anything.."

The seated man says "I could, but they're all at her funeral."

"I'm not a doctor

But if you die...The cancer dies at the same time. So that's not a loss.. That's a draw"

- RIP Norm MacDonald

A woman's swim team competitor was really upset by her recent loss at the Olympics.

It was during the breast stroke competition when she came in fourth place. She complained the other women were cheating because they were using their arms.