Losing Jokes
180 losing jokes and hilarious losing puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about losing that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article explores the humorous side of losing, from losing hair and virginity to losing your head and your marbles. Learn how to stay focused on your goals and win the "war" of losing with jokes and laughter.
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Funniest Losing Short Jokes
Short losing jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The losing humour may include short lose jokes also.
- "You're telling me that I'm losing my job because donald trump won the election? WHY, BECAUSE I'M BLACK?!" "Mister President, we've been over this..."
- My dad said people shouldn't get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing. So I took down his confederate flag.
- If this year has taught us anything, it's that Donald Trump is a regular American citizen He caught COVID-19, has massive debt, is about to be evicted from his house and is going to lose his job
- A man was brought to the ER badly injured from an accident. We're losing him! said a nurse. Not on my watch! said the surgeon, who clocked out and went home.
- My dad says we shouldn't reward people with trophies for participation, because it's like a reward for losing. So I took his vietnam Veteran hat
- If online bullying has taught us anything. It's that some kids would rather kill themselves than lose a bit of weight.
- Why does Donald Trump secretly want to lose the election? Because if he wins, he'll have to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood.
- ( This joke was made up by my eight year old son. ) Why did the letters lose the battle against the numbers? They were outnumbered.
- In the army, you have to pay $85 if you lose your rifle. That's why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
- How many Russians does it take to change a ukrainian lightbulb? At least 1 battalion to lose in the attempt. Please reply with your best punchline.
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Losing One Liners
Which losing one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with losing? I can suggest the ones about loss and missing.
- Trump still has a chance at 270 All he has to do is lose 50lbs.
- Trump has done in 4 years what 80% of presidents fail to do in 8 years Lose an election.
- Why did Thor lose his lightning powers? Because his father grounded him.
- I tried to sue the airport for losing my luggage. I lost my case.
- An atom loses an electron... It says, "man, I really gotta keep an ion them."
- I signed up for a gym membership this year. So far I've managed to lose £200.
- Where does a dog go when he loses his tail a retail store
- What is great in the US but awful in the UK? Losing pounds
- I set out to lose 10 pounds this month... Only 15 more to go
- I think there should be a vote recount. It'll be awesome to see Trump lose twice.
- A limbo champion walks into a bar and loses his title.
- I had a goal to lose 20 Pounds by the end of the year. 30 pounds to go
- An average person loses virginity at the age of 17 I always knew I was above average
- What's the name of the Mexican that loses his car? Carlos...
- Where does a dog go when it loses it's tail and needs a new one? A retail store.
Losing Weight Jokes
Here is a list of funny losing weight jokes and even better losing weight puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Water can solve all your issues. Want to lose weight? Drink water. Need to wake up? Splash water on your face. Someone annoying you? Drown them.
- Easily lose weight by cutting these two things out of your diet: Breakfast and dinner.
My dad told me this joke please laugh. - The doctor told me to lose some weight. I said, "How?"
He said "Don't eat anything fatty."
I said, "You mean pies, chips, that sort of thing?"
He said, "No, just don't eat anything, fatty." - How to lose weight - Doctor, I'm fat, how do I lose weight?
- Just move your head from left to right and from right to left.
- How many times , doctor ?
- Every time someone offers you food. - I started a new diet.. Where I only eat things I can pronounce. I thought it would help me lose weight, but I just became a better reader.
- How did Jared from Subway lose weight? He was ordering off the kids menu.
- Every time I go through a fast food window They hand me my food and say sorry about the weight. I know I could lose a few pounds but this is just rude.
- The reason why many Americans don't eat healthy, is because eating healthy would cause you to lose weight. And America never loses
- I got my wife an amazing new lipstick that makes you lose weight. It's called "Superglue".
- I needed to lose some weight so I went on a 3 month diet plan. I don't want to brag, but... ...I just finished it in 72 hours.
Losing Virginity Jokes
Here is a list of funny losing virginity jokes and even better losing virginity puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Losing my virginity was like my first football game. It hurt a lot but at least my dad came.
- The average age to lose your virginity is 17 years old I'm finally above average for something
- I just read the average age to lose your virginity is 17 years old. I'm finally above average for something.
- Losing my virginity was a lot like my first football game There was blood and snot everywhere, but at least my dad came
- Why I haven't lost my virginity? Because I never lose.
- Losing my virginity was a lot like riding a bike for the first time. My dad was holding me from behind.
- What does a young girl from Arkansas say just before she loses her virginity? "Careful, dad, don't crush my smokes."
- How did Helen Keller lose her virginity? Somebody left the plunger in the toilet.
- What do you call it when a sailor loses his virginity? First mate.
- My friend was too afraid to lose her virginity So I just gave her a friendly tip
Losing Your Head Jokes
Here is a list of funny losing your head jokes and even better losing your head puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- my doctor said for every upvote this gets, i will lose one rib I only need 24 and then I can finally give myself head
- Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How's about a second go but this time lose the hat Ratatouille's Remy hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
- You can lose weight by putting sliced bread on your head. It's a loaf-hat-diet.
- My friend said he was worried he's losing his hair I told him not to worry, it's probably all in his head
- Making jokes about ISIS is harder than it seems If you tell one in bad taste, everybody starts losing their heads.
- Son asks "Dad, do you die if you lose your head?" Dad responds "That is a no-brainer"
- Wife: I want to be treated like a queen Husband: Of course. Don't lose your head but have you heard of Anne Boleyn?
- I asked my doctor how do I lose 35lb of ugly fat? He said cut your head off .
- Why was Saint Valentine sad on the day commemorating him? Because he doesn't have no body to celebrate with.
(It's just a joke, don't lose your head.) - What is it that no man wants but no man wants to lose? A bald head.
Losing Interest Jokes
Here is a list of funny losing interest jokes and even better losing interest puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- This sub is just terrible bank of awful puns and I'm losing interest
- Old bankers never die... ...They just lose interest.
- Why won't bankers go to the opera? Because they quickly lose interest
- Most people want to be bankers when they grow up But at this rate they are gonna lose interest
- (Part joke, part advice) One of the first signs that your partner is losing interest is… That…
all their savings are in a savings account. - How are one night stands like savings accounts? ...you make a deposit, withdrawal, then lose interest.
- Male sexbots are an interesting concept in theory Until you try one and you lose him because he nuts and bolts
- Sony came up with a game software that switches between games in your library when it sees you are losing interest in the one you are playing It's a game changer.
- I don't see why Roy Moore wants a recount. Once the number goes past 16 he loses interest.
- Why do Women lose interest when Men struggle financially? Because that Man generates no *Interest*.
Losing Hair Jokes
Here is a list of funny losing hair jokes and even better losing hair puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Did you hear about the Norse god who couldn't stop losing hair? His name was Balder
- People say that stress can make you lose your hair... and pulling your hair can be a root problem.
- What do these things have in common; chapstick, pencils, pens, hair ties, nail clippers, and socks? They all almost never lose a game of hide and seek.
- "I'm losing my hair!" he bawled.
- I took my dog to the vet because he was losing hair on his head. Apparently he's got male patting baldness.
- For some silly reason my daughter has some sort of crazy idea about losing her hair... I overheard her on the phone the other day telling her best friend that she hoped she'd be 'balled' soon
- My Twitter Followers are like my hair... ...Everyday I lose more than what I gain
- Who is the world history's worst hairdresser? Delilah. She cut Samson 's hair and lose his super human strength.
- Why doesn't Trump care that the stress from being investigated is making him lose his hair? (OC) Because he is so over Comey.
- Why was the 45 year old businessman losing his hair? He has cancer.
Gather Around for Fun Losing Jokes and Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about losing you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean gaining jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make losing pranks.
Life keeps getting worse. Last night a thief stole the bottom left key off my laptop.
It feels like I'm losing control.
whats the diffrence between a tornado and a divorce in the south?
nothing. sombodys losing a trailer!
What is the similarity between tornadoes and divorces in Kentucky?
... either way, someone is losing a trailer.
My wallet was stolen today...
this is the first time I've been sad after losing five pounds.
First Impressions
A young teenage couple have been dating for a little while, so the girl says to the boy that she wants him to meet her parents. He is a little skeptical at this, but she tells him that if he can make a good impression with them that she will reward him with s**....
Extremely excited at the prospect of losing his virginity, the boy rushes to the local pharmacy to get some protection. However, he is a little embarrassed and unsure of himself. The pharmacist at the counter notices this and walks over to see if he can help. "First time?" the pharmacist guesses. The boy nods sheepishly. So the pharmacist gives him the basics on picking condoms. The boy thanks him, buys some, and leaves.
Finally, the big night arrives and the boy arrives at the girl's house. As the couple and the girl's parents sit down for dinner, they all bow their heads to say grace over the meal. Afterwards, they all look up to start eating, except for the boy, who still has his head bowed in prayer. Respectfully, the girl and her parents sit quietly as he continues praying to himself. After about 5 minutes pass, the girl leans over and whispers to him, "I never knew you were so religious!" He looks up at her and whispers back, "I never knew your dad was a pharmacist!"
So I want to start losing weight and burning fat
So I set some obese kids ablaze
Whats the difference between a tornado and a divorce in the south?
Nothing, because either way, someone is losing their trailer.
So the church is losing money...
...and the friars decide that they need a new income source. To do this, they set up a flower stand, and do a pretty good business selling flowers in the small village. Unfortunately, there is another floral store that is losing business because of the friars. So, they go talk to the friars, telling them to stop selling flowers, because they are losing money. The friars say "no way man, free country, free enterprise."
The owners of the other floral shop decide to get real about these religious flower sellers, so they hire a hitman to go take them out. The hitman, named Hugh, shows up to the friars' store. Hugh, now, he's about 7'1', and 240 pounds of pure muscle. "Hey," he says, "you guys ought to stop sellin flowers." The petrified friars agree that maybe the floral business isn't such a good idea after all, and promptly shut it down.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
An objective analysis of the correlation between genetics and obesity.
A doctor is telling an obese woman that she needs to start losing weight.
The woman, offended, replies defensively, "It's not my fault! Obesity runs in my family!"
The doctor looks her up and down, and finally says, "*Nobody* runs in your family."
Khakis
In most places, losing your khakis means you have no pants. In Boston, if you lose your khakis, you can't drive.
A woman in Atlantic city was losing at the roulette wheel...
When she was down to her last ten dollars, she asked the fellow next to her for a good number. "Why don't you play your age?" he suggested. The woman agreed, and then put her money on the table. The next thing the fellow with the advice knew, the woman had fainted and fallen to the floor. He rushed right over. "Did she win?" he asked. "No," replied the attendant. "She put ten dollars on 29 and 41 came in."
Why does Peyton Manning eat his soup in cups?
Because he's always losing the bowls.
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^This ^used ^to ^be ^an ^Elway ^joke
World Cut Soccer
A little old Brazilian lady was walking down the street dragging two plastic garbage bags. One bag had a hole in it and $20 bills were flying out of it.
A policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, you're losing a lot of bills from that bag."
"Darnd!" she said, "Thanks for the warning. I'll go back and pick them up."
"Hold on there! Where'd all that money come from? Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no," she said. "My yard backs up on the stadium parking lot and, during tailgate parties, a lot of guys use my flower beds as bathrooms. So I stand behind a bush with my electric hedge clipper and when one is in mid-stream, I fire up the trimmer and say: '$20 or off it comes!'"
"Wow. Good idea!" laughed the cop. "But what's in the other bag?"
"Well," said the little old lady, "not all of them pay up!"
How did Jim start losing weight after the holidays?
He just quit eating cold turkey.
What's the difference between a tornado and a divorce in the South?
Nothing, someone's losing the trailer.
-Robin Williams
A graphic designer is working on a website...
...and his client says, "Could you make this banner a little more green?"
So he makes the color a little bit more green.
But his client says, "No, that's too green. Make it a little less so."
So he makes it a little less green.
The client says, "No, it's still a bit off."
So the artist, losing his patience, shouts, "On a scale of 0 to 255, how green do you want it!?"
I was playing a quiet game of Scrabble with a friend
and he's a very sore loser. He was losing so badly, that he got extremely angry, picked up the bag and started throwing words beginning with 'th' at me.
I managed to dodge this, there and then. But I did not see that coming.
What do a Texas tornado and an Oklahoma divorce have in common?
Either way someone's losing a trailer.
Losing my virginity was a lot like learning to ride my bike
My dad was behind me the whole way.
Muslim Band
I went to see a Muslim Tribute band last night at a Mosque.
They were called "Bomb Jovi" and I thought they were brilliant.
They performed songs like:
"Losing my Head over You",
"Rocket Launcher Man",
"You're Six, you're Beautiful, and you're Mine".
Their last song "Living on a Prayer Mat" almost brought the house down!
Then I heard this Muslim guy saying he had the entire Koran on a DVD.
I was interested, so I asked him, "Can you burn me a copy?"
Well that was when the trouble started.
An increasing number of farmers are losing their crops due to drought
It's a growing problem.
What is worse than blacking out after a crazy night and losing money?
Blacking out and gaining money.
Losing weight is so easy now. I'm just chasing the kids around all day
- Jared Fogle
Learning to ride a bike is like losing your virginity...
No matter how many years go by, you never forget the feeling of your dads hands on your shoulders as he pushes.
Losing game pieces s**......
Especially when it's hide and seek...
I'll never forget you, Brian..
I was pretty upset when I heard clocks get set ahead an hour...
Oh well. Not worth losing sleep over it.
A man walked into a bar and sat down, ordered a beer and drank it
Suddenly he heard a voice...
"Nice tie." *Nobody was there except him and the bartender.*
"Really cool shirt, too." *He thought he must be losing his mind.*
"I like your hair that way."
He said to the bartender, "I keep hearing this voice."
"Those are the peanuts, sir. They're complimentary."
I could lose weight if I wanted to
But I hate losing
*In the ER* "We're losing him, anyone have any ideas?"
"How about 50 cc's of a cool refreshing beverage?"
"d**... Dr. Pepper not now!"
A pirate's wife asks him what body part he'd be most okay with losing
The pirate thinks and replies, "my spine!"
"Why?" says his wife, a little surprised
"Because it's holding me back!"
I recently visited a website with tips for losing weight
And a pop up asked me if I accepted cookies. Is that a trick question?
In order to finish my 2016 resolution, i cut off my left leg...
That way, I'll reach my goal of losing 20 pounds AND start 2017 off on the right foot!
I had a thought the other day
Losing 15 pounds sounds a lot better in America than in England.
Doctor: "What body part would you be okay with losing?"
Patient: "my spine, it's holding me back"
What's it called when a vegetarian starts eating meat again?
Losing your veginity.
What is the similarity between a tornado in Alabama, and a divorce in Alabama?
No matter how you look at it, somebody is losing a trailer.
Why don't people with foot fetishes mind being on the losing side of a battle?
They like the taste of defeat
Ex-Wives are like Tornados...
At first there is a lot of s**... and blowing
And it ends in you losing your house.
Besides losing, what else did the Confederacy do?
Their cousins
Losing my virginity was a lot like when I first learned how to ride a bike.
My father had his hands on my shoulders.
I saw Al Gore talking about rising sea levels the other day...
He really needs to come to terms with losing Florida.
Black people making fun of Confederates for losing the war...
Like they were doing any better at the time.
What does a tornado and a divorce in the south have in common?
Somebody is losing a trailer
What do a tornado and a r**... divorce have in common?
Someone is losing a trailer.
I told my dad me and my friend went to the store. He said, "my friend and I went to the store"
Poor guy is losing it, he definitely wasn't there.
If you're ever losing an argument, randomly quote a statistic
People will believe you 80% of the time.
Out of all the ways to lose an arm,
losing it in a sausage machine has got to be the wurst.
What did the farmer say when he saw his onions losing water?
Oh no, must be a leek!
I used to have a a racing snail that kept losing.
I decided to remove its shell to try and speed it up, if anything it made it more sluggish.
Husband after losing another argument,
tells his wife, "You must learn to learn to embrace your mistakes."
Wife runs over and hugs him.
What did I do wrong?
My father-in-law has been pretty depressed since losing his job last year. I wanted to help out so I pulled some strings and got him a job at the palm reading business where I work. I thought my wife would be thrilled but somehow here I am sleeping on the couch. That's the thanks I get for giving her dad a h**....
My dad said people shouldn't get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.
So I took the Purple Heart that he got in Vietnam.
He was so mad he threw his prosthetic leg at me.
What's good in the US but bad in the UK?
Losing pounds
A father looks at his son after losing his first tooth. Now that you've lost your first tooth, son, what have you learned?
Never interrupt you again while you're talking
DJ Khaled was featured in a Weight Watchers commercial for losing weight...
...He must have stopped eating out...
What's the biggest challenge saudi teenagers face?
Losing their mom in the mall.
Dad: Participation trophies are bad. It rewards people for losing and is unfair to the winners.
Me: *slowly takes down his confederate flag*
What's worse than losing $100?
Losing the game.
If we played cowboys and Indians I wouldn't choose to be on losing team
that would be Sioux side.
A trucker stops at a red light and a blonde catches up to him.
She knocks on the window and says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker just ignores her, the light changes, and he proceeds down the street.
At the next light, the blonde again catches up and says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load."
He ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the next red light the blonde catches up, all out of breath, knocks on the window and says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker looks at her and finally, he says, "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's snowing, and I'm driving a salt truck."
Pilot: Ladies and gentleman, I have to inform you we are losing altitude
(pause)
And the reason we are losing altitude is because we are about to land.
(Jesus Christ, funny pilots...)
My grandpa was complaining about how participation trophies reward losing
So I asked him why he proudly displayed a Confederate Flag
My friends say I get sadistic when I'm losing at Scrabble
But I made them eat their words
If video games make children more violent...
why do they keep losing fistfights against me?
A man was suing an airline for losing his luggage
Unfortunately he lost his case
An Apple Store in Minneapolis reported losing $200,000 in inventory to riot-related theft.
'Thankfully the looters took nothing but two iPhones' the store's associate manager said.
An elderly man thinks his wife is losing her hearing so he calls their doctor.
The doctor tells him "We need to figure out how bad her hearing is. Using a normal tone, talk to her at various distances until she can hear you."
That night the man decides to try this. He estimates he is sitting about 30 feet from his wife and asks her, "What's for dinner?"
He hears nothing so he moves a little closer; about 20 feet away. He asks her again, "What's for dinner?" Still nothing.
Finally, he gets right next to her and asks, "What's for dinner?"
She finally hears him and responds "For the third time, chicken!"
I told my doctor, I think I have ADHD because I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford.
Doctor: That's not how ADHD works.
Me: But I keep losing my Focus.
"We're losing him!" shouted the physician assistant halfway through the surgery
"Not on my watch!" shouted the surgeon.
And he runs out of the operating room.
My friend is losing his mind over missing a piece of his 5000 piece puzzle
If he thinks thats bad, I'm missing 4999 pieces
Contrary to popular beliefs, losing weight is a piece of cake.
Just don't pick it up.
With losing your sense of smell from COVID-19 being a symptom, I no longer call it f**... in a crowded elevator.
I call it a free COVID-19 test
Losing weight is a piece of cake
Just don't pick it up
I was going to make a joke about losing your senses due to COVID.
But I decided it was poor taste.
