Lose Weight Jokes
136 lose weight jokes and hilarious lose weight puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about lose weight that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Lose Weight Short Jokes
Short lose weight jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The lose weight humour may include short losing weight jokes also.
- If online bullying has taught us anything. It's that some kids would rather kill themselves than lose a bit of weight.
- Water can solve all your issues. Want to lose weight? Drink water. Need to wake up? Splash water on your face. Someone annoying you? Drown them.
- Easily lose weight by cutting these two things out of your diet: Breakfast and dinner.
My dad told me this joke please laugh. - The doctor told me to lose some weight. I said, "How?"
He said "Don't eat anything fatty."
I said, "You mean pies, chips, that sort of thing?"
He said, "No, just don't eat anything, fatty." - How to lose weight - Doctor, I'm fat, how do I lose weight?
- Just move your head from left to right and from right to left.
- How many times , doctor ?
- Every time someone offers you food. - I started a new diet.. Where I only eat things I can pronounce. I thought it would help me lose weight, but I just became a better reader.
- Every time I go through a fast food window They hand me my food and say sorry about the weight. I know I could lose a few pounds but this is just rude.
- The reason why many Americans don't eat healthy, is because eating healthy would cause you to lose weight. And America never loses
- I got my wife an amazing new lipstick that makes you lose weight. It's called "Superglue".
- I needed to lose some weight so I went on a 3 month diet plan. I don't want to brag, but... ...I just finished it in 72 hours.
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Lose Weight One Liners
Which lose weight one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with lose weight? I can suggest the ones about weight loss and gain weight.
- How did Jared from Subway lose weight? He was ordering off the kids menu.
- Contrary to popular beliefs, losing weight is a piece of cake. Just don't pick it up.
- Losing weight is a piece of cake Just don't pick it up
- Losing weight is so easy now. I'm just chasing the kids around all day - Jared Fogle
- So I want to start losing weight and burning fat So I set some obese kids ablaze
- If you want to lose weight, start the Lance Armstrong diet Just have one nut
- I could lose weight if I wanted to But I hate losing
- What do you call a Greek god who wants to lose weight? A Diety
- How many pounds does DJ Khaled plan to lose with Weight Watchers? Another one
- I'd love to lose some weight... but I never lose cause I'm a winner!
- How did Jim start losing weight after the holidays? He just quit eating cold turkey.
- You can lose weight by putting sliced bread on your head. It's a loaf-hat-diet.
- I'm on a no seafood diet to lose weight It's low crab.
- Just got the iPhone 7. It helped me lose weight! I now have no money to eat for 2 months
- How do fish lose weight? They Swim-fast.
Hilarious Lose Weight Jokes to Make Your Friends Roar with Laughter
What funny jokes about lose weight you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean gaining weight jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make lose weight pranks.
Every time I lose weight, I find it again in the refrigerator.
Every time I lose weight, I find it again in the refrigerator.
Skip a Day
During an annual physical, a doctor tells his overweight patient, "You need to lose some weight, so try this diet. I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, I expect you will have lost five to ten pounds."
When the man returns, he's lost over 20 pounds. The doctor says. "Great job, did you follow my instructions?"
The man nods "I did, but I thought was going to drop dead every third day."
"From hunger?" asked the doctor.
"No, from skipping."
I know I need to lose weight when..
I ask my boyfriend "do I look fat in these knickers ? " and he says " what knickers ?"
A Little Girl Catches Her Parents Having s**...
One night, a little girl decides to peek inside her parent's bedroom. She is shocked by what she sees, for she catches a glimpse of mommy bouncing up and down on top of daddy.
That very next morning, she asks her mom, "Mommy, why were you hopping up and down on top of daddy?"
The mom replies, "Oh, umm, well, I was just trying to help lose weight by pushing the air out of him."
The girl says, "Well that won't work mommy."
Puzzled, the mother replies, "Well why not, honey?"
"Well, every week while you're at work, the pretty girl from across the street comes to blow him back up!"
How do you know it's time to lose some weight?
When you buy a new hula hoop... and it fits.
An objective analysis of the correlation between genetics and obesity.
A doctor is telling an obese woman that she needs to start losing weight.
The woman, offended, replies defensively, "It's not my fault! Obesity runs in my family!"
The doctor looks her up and down, and finally says, "*Nobody* runs in your family."
Did you hear about the criminal who wanted to lose weight to fit into smaller clothes?
Last I heard, he was still at large.
they say 98% of fat people can be good looking if they lose weight, but 99% of them don't...when I became that 1%, i realized i was that 2%
At my first Weight Watchers meeting....
the group leader asked each of us why we wanted to lose weight. When it was her turn, one woman started to s**.... "I vowed to lose weight when my husband bought me something too small for me to fit in." The leader replied, "Oh, that's too bad. Was it a dress?" "No, a Porsche!"
My girlfriend walked up and said she is expecting...
me to lose weight.
How did the possessed lady lose weight?
Diet and exorcise.
How did Jared lose all that weight eating at Subway?
He just ordered off the children's menu.
I have been trying to lose weight so I've been keeping my junk food in the basement.
This makes it cellary.
How did Jared Fogle lose so much weight?
because he chose from the kids menu
Wife told husband that she has gained a lot of weight lately and wants to lose weight
Husband: There's a very effective weight loss patch. You'll lose 10 pounds in one week. The most important thing is that it's really cheap.
Wife: Oh wow! I need to have one. Where do you apply the patch?
Husband: On your mouth.
How does a crackhead lose weight?
Diet Coke.
How does the Terminator lose weight?
By counting Kylereese.
What did Jesus do to lose weight?
Crossfit
Did you know l**... can make you lose weight?
Because you can't get to the fridge if there's a dragon guarding it.
s**... is like pizza.
My wife won't let me have it until I lose weight.
I mainly want to lose weight to get into my own pants
But also to get into someone elses
What's the best way for an American to lose weight?
Gamble in British currency.
How to lose weight easy
Fantastic exercise that really helps you to lose weight: Turn your head to the left. Good. Turn your head to the right. Very good. Repeat this exercise whenever you are offered any food.
Thanks to Pokemon Go...
I'm finally going to lose weight.
My problem is I take things too literally.
Like when my wife said she'd give an arm and a leg to lose weight.
Mommy, why were you bouncing on Daddy's belly last night?
Mom: "Because his belly has become fat recently, and I need to help him lose weight."
Boy: "But that won't work."
Mom: "Why not?"
Boy: "Because the babysitter keeps blowing him back again."
I've been going to the gym for 3 weeks now with no results..
What Pokemon do I use to lose weight?
Just fyi, if you're girlfriend asks you if she should lose some weight...
"I love you through thick and thin" is not an appropriate response.
I recently visited a website with tips for losing weight
And a pop up asked me if I accepted cookies. Is that a trick question?
A new study has shown l**... causes new users to lose weight.
Obviously, You can eat while there's a dragon gaurding your fridge.
How did h**... lose weight quickly ?
Juice cleanse.
If you eat enough, eventually, you will lose weight!
It's true! The doctors are cutting my foot off tomorrow!
My friend was sad and complaining to me about how she's having trouble losing weight.
"The change isn't immediate", I told her. "Just keep your chins up."
Why did the big resistor lose weight?
Because it was on a diode
What did the whale say to the diver?
"Ooooooooooooooooooooooo."
What did the whale say to the marine biologist?
"Ooooooooooooooooooooooo."
What did the whale say to my wife?
"Hey; you should lose weight."
Did you hear about the moose who wanted to lose weight?
He went on a diet and now he's a Muslim
My lesbian friend told me she was having trouble losing weight.
I guess it's hard to eat Jenny Craig when you've got Mary Kay on your face.
What does a priest do when he wants to lose weight?
Exorcise.
I would lose weight...
....but I hate losing.
The doctor told me to watch what I eat if I wanted to lose weight.
I stare at my extra large pepperoni pizza with a Diet Coke for at least an hour before I scarf it down and I haven't lost a pound.
What's the best way to lose weight?
Get robbed in London, you'll lose a few pounds in seconds.
Where do Jesus, Buddha, and their friends go to lose weight?
The deitician.
I found a way to drastically lose weight while sleeping!
and the money from selling my organs isn't bad either.
water can solve all your problems, want to lose weight, drink mor water, want to wake up, splash want water on your face, someone getting on your nerves,
drown them
I'm trying to lose weight so joined the gym and I see the stupidest people there
All of them use the treadmill and put their water bottle in the Pringle holder
Fishing
- My God, how much your husband lost in weight !
- Fishing is the cause.
- I did not know that, fishing makes you lose weight ?
- Well, he's eating what he gets :)))
A friend of mine suggested I stop drinking beer and drink hard liquor to lose weight
figured it was worth a shot, so I bought two
Weight losers
The girl's husband was getting a bit tubby round the middle, so she decided to tempt him to do something about it.
"Honey," she said, "if you lose 20 lbs, I'll do a s**... striptease for you."
Cruelly, he replied, "And if you lose 20 lbs, I'll watch."
I bet my friend that i could lose more weight than him within the last month
I lost 10 pounds
"You don't seem to be losing any weight." said the doctor to his overweight patient...
"Did you follow my advice to start taking some exercise?"
"Exercise? I thought that you said 'extra fries'!"
They say the best way to lose weight is to eat n**... in front of a mirror...
...it works well, because they usually kick me out of the restaurant very soon.
How does a blond lose weight?
She donates an o**....
The best way to lose weight is to eat n**... in front of a mirror.
The restaurant will ask you to leave before you can eat too much.
Man and his wife join a weight loss club. They're told to try and lose at least 2 pounds by the next week.
When they return after a week the mentor asks them how much they lost.
The wife begins, "I lost 10 pounds".
"That's amazing! Well done, and you?" He says, pointing at the husband.
"Well, I actually gained 10 pounds", the husband responds.
"Oh, that's no good at all. How did that happen?" asks the mentor.
"I bet my wife a tenner she wouldn't lose any weight this week".
My doctor told me to start running to lose weight.
It's not working. I keep running into restaurants.
DJ Khaled was featured in a Weight Watchers commercial for losing weight...
...He must have stopped eating out...
The reason I can't lose weight is
...I hate losing.
They say the best way to lose weight is to eat n**... in front of a mirror.
It's working well so far, I've been banned from McDonalds for life.
DJ Khaled invented a weight loss app
Everytime you lose a pound, his voice comes on and says "Another one".
How did Cardi-B lose weight?
Cardi-O
Why can British people lose weight faster?
Because every time they buy something, they lose some pounds!
If you want to lose weight stop drinking coke.
Snort it instead.
After giving birth, how will Cardi B lose weight?
Cardi O
Diabetes is a great way to lose weight.
Your average foot weighs a couple pounds..