lose Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious lose puns

I was telling a girl I met in a bar last night about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born on just by feeling her tits.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"

"Yesterday?" I replied.


Why did Thor lose his lightning powers?

Because his father grounded him.


The funny thing about teen pregnancy is that before it happens all you hear is "Don't do it! You'll regret it! You'll lose your freedom! Make the responsible choice!" Then after it happens, they say "We're a still disappointed, but we can still make the best of this. It's not the end of the world."

Stupid auto-correct: I meant "Trump's presidency" not "teen pregnancy".


If online bullying has taught us anything.

It's that some kids would rather kill themselves than lose a bit of weight.


Why does Donald Trump secretly want to lose the election?

Because if he wins, he'll have to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood.


I signed up for a gym membership this year.

So far I've managed to lose £200.


In the army, you have to pay $85 if you lose your rifle.

That's why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.


I set out to lose 10 pounds this month...

Only 15 more to go


I lose my White friends in the snow, I lose my Black friends at night, I lose my Asian friends in the sand, where do I lose my Arab friends?

In an explosion.


Hillary Clinton lost last time to the first African American president, Barack Obama. Why will she lose this one to Donald Trump?

Because orange is the new black.


Water can solve all your issues. Want to lose weight? Drink water. Need to wake up? Splash water on your face. Someone annoying you?

Drown them.


I've decided to go on the "England World Cup Diet"

It only lasts 5 days and you lose loads!

(England fan here using humour to cope with the pain...)


Man and his wife join a weight loss club. They're told to try and lose at least 2 pounds by the next week.

When they return after a week the mentor asks them how much they lost.

The wife begins, "I lost 10 pounds".

"That's amazing! Well done, and you?" He says, pointing at the husband.

"Well, I actually gained 10 pounds", the husband responds.

"Oh, that's no good at all. How did that happen?" asks the mentor.

"I bet my wife a tenner she wouldn't lose any weight this week".


I'm definitely the loser if I run over a deer. It's going to cost me hundreds of dollars.

But nature is only out a buck.


I had a goal to lose 20 Pounds by the end of the year.

30 pounds to go


The average age to lose your virginity is 17 years old

I'm finally above average for something


France and Italy simultaneously declare war on each other

France surrenders

Italy changes sides

Both lose


Non-Racist Joke

An American man, a Chinese man, and a Mexican man are on a plane.

The plane is going to crash unless they lose some excess weight.

The Mexican man throws beans off the plane, he says, "In my country, we have too many beans."

Next, the Chinese man throws rice off the plane, he says, "In my country, we have too much rice."

Next, the American man throws the Mexican man off the plane,

He says,

"That bastard slept with my wife."


I regret joining the gym recently..

leaving the EU would've been a more effective way to lose pounds


"I wanted to lose 10 lbs. this year....

only 13 lbs. to go!"


Why is the French military always shocked when they lose a battle?

Because electricity flows in the path of *least resistance*


The David Cameron diet:

You'll never lose your pounds quicker.


Weight losers

The girl's husband was getting a bit tubby round the middle, so she decided to tempt him to do something about it.

"Honey," she said, "if you lose 20 lbs, I'll do a sexy striptease for you."

Cruelly, he replied, "And if you lose 20 lbs, I'll watch."


When people lose one sense, other senses usually get enhanced.

That is why individuals with no sense of Humor
have increased sense of self-importance and narcissism.


I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.

"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose

patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"

I said, "Yesterday."


It's been a year that I started working out to lose 10 pounds...

Only 12 more to go


I started 2016 with a goal to lose 20 pounds

Only 30 more to go and I'm there!


The best way to lose weight is to eat naked in front of a mirror.

The restaurant will ask you to leave before you can eat too much.


How do people lose their kids at the mall?

Seriously, any tips would be greatly appreciated...


Jesus saw a crying old man while walking in a desert.

He came closer and asked what problem is.

Old man: I'm looking for my son, but I'm gonna lose my hope.
Jesus pitied the man and said, let's look for your son together.
After some time, Jesus asked him that if he has some birthmark or else to recognize him more easily.
Yes, said the old man. He had nails driven on his hands and feet.
Jesus started and hugged the man, saying FATHER!
The old man screamed happily, PINOCCHIO!


How come american cops always lose at pool?

Because they always shoot down the black one first.


What's the fastest way to lose a few pounds?

Exit the European Union.


Britain will be just fine...

you always lose a few Pounds after a breakup.


Women are like hand grenades

If you take off the ring you lose your house and half your belongings


A pirate talks with his captain...

'Captain, how did you get your peg leg?'

'Yarrr... Me ship sank. I was rescued, but not before a great white took me leg.'

'What about your hook hand?'

'Me ship was boarded. I repelled the bastards, but not before I lost me hand.'

'And what about your eye patch?'

'Yarrr... a bird shit in me eye.'

'I don't understand.... How did that cause you to lose an eye???'

'It was me first day with the hook!'


What are the most funny Lose jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Lose? Well, here are the best Lose dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Lose pick up lines to share with friends.

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