The Best 61 Lose Jokes
Following is our collection of funniest Lose jokes. There are some lose opponents jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these lose win puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Funny Lose Jokes and Puns
Why did Thor lose his lightning powers?
Because his father grounded him.
A frenchman walks into a library
And asks the Librarian if he can checkout a book about War. The Librarian responds, "No, you'll lose it."
I've decided to go on the "England World Cup Diet"
It only lasts 5 days and you lose loads!
(England fan here using humour to cope with the pain...)
"I wanted to lose 10 lbs. this year....
only 13 lbs. to go!"
A dog lays by the railroad tracks..
And falls asleep with his tail hanging over them a little. A train comes by eventually and cuts off the tip of his tail. The dog whips around to see what happened and the train cuts off his head, too.
Moral of the story? Don't lose your head over a little piece of tail.
This is my grandpa's favorite joke. He has Alzheimers and can't remember much, but this joke is on constant replay and you can see the old twinkle in his eye when he tells it.
Why does Donald Trump secretly want to lose the election?
Because if he wins, he'll have to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood.
Hillary Clinton lost last time to the first African American president, Barack Obama. Why will she lose this one to Donald Trump?
Because orange is the new black.
Women are like hand grenades
If you take off the ring you lose your house and half your belongings
Britain will be just fine...
you always lose a few Pounds after a breakup.
The David Cameron diet:
You'll never lose your pounds quicker.
I regret joining the gym recently..
leaving the EU would've been a more effective way to lose pounds
You can explore lose concede reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean lose vanish dad jokes. There are also lose puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
I had a goal to lose 20 Pounds by the end of the year.
30 pounds to go
The funny thing about teen pregnancy is that before it happens all you hear is "Don't do it! You'll regret it! You'll lose your freedom! Make the responsible choice!" Then after it happens, they say "We're a still disappointed, but we can still make the best of this. It's not the end of the world."
Stupid auto-correct: I meant "Trump's presidency" not "teen pregnancy".
France and Italy simultaneously declare war on each other
France surrenders
Italy changes sides
Both lose
I lose my White friends in the snow, I lose my Black friends at night, I lose my Asian friends in the sand, where do I lose my Arab friends?
In an explosion.
I started 2016 with a goal to lose 20 pounds
Only 30 more to go and I'm there!
What's the fastest way to lose a few pounds?
Exit the European Union.
How come american cops always lose at pool?
Because they always shoot down the black one first.
Why are diet pills so effective in the UK?
If you buy enough, you are guaranteed to lose 30 pounds fast.
How do people lose their kids at the mall?
Seriously, any tips would be greatly appreciated...
My wife has told me she wants a divorce because there's another man. I hate to lose her…
…but I just love him more…
What's the easiest way to lose 20 pounds?
The Steam summer sale
Why is the French military always shocked when they lose a battle?
Because electricity flows in the path of *least resistance*
Why did Hitler lose his drivers licence?
He was too hard on the gas
If online bullying has taught us anything.
It's that some kids would rather kill themselves than lose a bit of weight.
Isaac Newton, Albert Einstein and Blaise Pascal are playing hide and seek
Einstein is counting down while Newton and Pascal are trying to hide. Pascal jumps into the bushes and Newton walks a few steps, picks up a stick, draws a square on the ground and just stands there. Einstein turns around and instantly spots Newton.
- Found you Newton, you lose!
- Now wait a minute good sir, can't you see what I drew below me? I am a Newton on a square meter so technically you found Pascal.
I'm definitely the loser if I run over a deer. It's going to cost me hundreds of dollars.
But nature is only out a buck.
It's been a year that I started working out to lose 10 pounds...
Only 12 more to go
Water can solve all your issues. Want to lose weight? Drink water. Need to wake up? Splash water on your face. Someone annoying you?
Drown them.
I signed up for a gym membership this year.
So far I've managed to lose £200.
I set out to lose 10 pounds this month...
Only 15 more to go
Weight losers
The girl's husband was getting a bit tubby round the middle, so she decided to tempt him to do something about it.
"Honey," she said, "if you lose 20 lbs, I'll do a sexy striptease for you."
Cruelly, he replied, "And if you lose 20 lbs, I'll watch."
How are marriages like tornadoes?
They begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, but in the end you lose your house.
When people lose one sense, other senses usually get enhanced.
That is why individuals with no sense of Humor
have increased sense of self-importance and narcissism.
Scientists tested a frog.
They cut off its legs and said "jump!"
The frog didn't jump.
Scientists therefore concluded that when frogs lose their legs, they become deaf.
The best way to lose weight is to eat naked in front of a mirror.
The restaurant will ask you to leave before you can eat too much.
Man and his wife join a weight loss club. They're told to try and lose at least 2 pounds by the next week.
When they return after a week the mentor asks them how much they lost.
The wife begins, "I lost 10 pounds".
"That's amazing! Well done, and you?" He says, pointing at the husband.
"Well, I actually gained 10 pounds", the husband responds.
"Oh, that's no good at all. How did that happen?" asks the mentor.
"I bet my wife a tenner she wouldn't lose any weight this week".
In the army, you have to pay $85 if you lose your rifle.
That's why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
I accidentally let my cows graze in a patch of marijuana, and if anyone finds out I could lose everything.
The steaks have never been higher.
Jesus and Moses are at a lake in heaven
They both want to see if their powers still work
so moses splits the lake, walks right through, and says "alright jesus, now you try it"
So jesus tries to walk atop the waters but winks right through, and swims to the other side.
"What happened?" Moses asks, "Did you lose balance or something?"
"Well last time I didn't have holes in my feet"
The average age to lose your virginity is 17 years old
I'm finally above average for something
Jesus saw a crying old man while walking in a desert.
He came closer and asked what problem is.
Old man: I'm looking for my son, but I'm gonna lose my hope.
Jesus pitied the man and said, let's look for your son together.
After some time, Jesus asked him that if he has some birthmark or else to recognize him more easily.
Yes, said the old man. He had nails driven on his hands and feet.
Jesus started and hugged the man, saying FATHER!
The old man screamed happily, PINOCCHIO!
My wife wanted to get into "role play" to spice things up in the bedroom
I asked what she had in mind.
"Let's play doctor", she said.
I told her to go in the bedroom, shut the door, take off all of her clothes and wait on the bed for me.
After a half an hour I walked in, told her to lose 20 lbs. and handed her a bill for $300.
What do a tornado, a hurricane, and a redneck divorce have in common?
Somebody's gonna lose their trailer.
I just read the average age to lose your virginity is 17 years old.
I'm finally above average for something.
Easily lose weight by cutting these two things out of your diet:
Breakfast and dinner.
My dad told me this joke please laugh.
Bro, you really don't want to get into a dick-measuring contest with me. Trust me, you'll lose.
I'm really good at measuring dicks.
In high school, I was dared to play gay chicken , which is where two straight guys pretend to be gay and the first one to chicken out loses...
The other guy and I are really stubborn, and neither of us wanted to lose. We've been married 14 years and run a bed and breakfast in Vermont with our adopted daughter. If that dude doesn't chicken out soon, I'm going to start to suspect he is actually gay.
Trump still has a chance at 270
All he has to do is lose 50lbs.
If this year has taught us anything, it's that Donald Trump is a regular American citizen
He caught COVID-19, has massive debt, is about to be evicted from his house and is going to lose his job
I think there should be a vote recount.
It'll be awesome to see Trump lose twice.
Trump has done in 4 years what 80% of presidents fail to do in 8 years
Lose an election.
If you lose your sense of smell due to Covid, here's a simple fix.
Just reset to olfactory settings.
I didn't lose my job
I know right where it is. They just don't want me there anymore
Why don't brittish people lose in chess?
Because their queen doesn't die.
A blonde gets a Fitbit for Christmas
Her friend tells her to always try to get to 10,000 steps a day to lose weight.
One night it's 11.30pm and her boyfriend hears footsteps downstairs. He goes down to find her walking around the living room backwards.
"What ARE you doing?" he asks.
"Melanie told me to do 10,000 steps a day - I was on 10,020!"
Walstreet is gonna lose $70 billion this Friday according to AP news. How much did it cost redditors?
tree fiddy
A mother asked her son to lose their cat somewhere in the jungle.
The boy obeyed. The boy returned home and reported to his mom.
Son: Mom! I led the cat far into the jungle. I even got lost!!
Mother: How were you able to come back home?
Son: I followed the cat.
Those hedge funds should have known they'd lose money by shorting GME.
As for us Gamestop customers, we fully expect to sell something for $20 and have to spend $500 when we want to buy it back.
A COVID nurse asked me 'so sir when did you first begin to lose your sense of taste'
I replied 'Hey! Riverdale is a good show'
Husband tired of His lazy wife sitting all day on the couch told Her: If You keep doing this you will lose your womb for being too lazy.
Next morning He found Her asleep on the same spot and quickly went to the meat shop and bought a whole cow liver, went back home and carefully placed it right by her crotch and left to work.
When He came back home found His wife crying and had a pale face. He said whats wrong?
Wife: I lost my womb like You said
Husband: did it hurt?
Wife: didn't feel anything but it hurt like hell when I put it back in.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the lose backhand jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working lose losing weight piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.