Lose Jokes

Following is our collection of concede puns and opponents one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Lose jokes for adults, dirty vanish jokes and clean win dad gags for kids.

The Best Lose Puns

Why did Thor lose his lightning powers?

Because his father grounded him.

The funny thing about teen pregnancy is that before it happens all you hear is "Don't do it! You'll regret it! You'll lose your freedom! Make the responsible choice!" Then after it happens, they say "We're a still disappointed, but we can still make the best of this. It's not the end of the world."

Stupid auto-correct: I meant "Trump's presidency" not "teen pregnancy".

If online bullying has taught us anything.

It's that some kids would rather kill themselves than lose a bit of weight.

Why does Donald Trump secretly want to lose the election?

Because if he wins, he'll have to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood.

I signed up for a gym membership this year.

So far I've managed to lose Β£200.


In the army, you have to pay $85 if you lose your rifle.

That's why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

I set out to lose 10 pounds this month...

Only 15 more to go

I lose my White friends in the snow, I lose my Black friends at night, I lose my Asian friends in the sand, where do I lose my Arab friends?

In an explosion.

Hillary Clinton lost last time to the first African American president, Barack Obama. Why will she lose this one to Donald Trump?

Because orange is the new black.

Water can solve all your issues. Want to lose weight? Drink water. Need to wake up? Splash water on your face. Someone annoying you?

Drown them.

I've decided to go on the "England World Cup Diet"

It only lasts 5 days and you lose loads!

(England fan here using humour to cope with the pain...)


Man and his wife join a weight loss club. They're told to try and lose at least 2 pounds by the next week.

When they return after a week the mentor asks them how much they lost.

The wife begins, "I lost 10 pounds".

"That's amazing! Well done, and you?" He says, pointing at the husband.

"Well, I actually gained 10 pounds", the husband responds.

"Oh, that's no good at all. How did that happen?" asks the mentor.

"I bet my wife a tenner she wouldn't lose any weight this week".

I'm definitely the loser if I run over a deer. It's going to cost me hundreds of dollars.

But nature is only out a buck.

I had a goal to lose 20 Pounds by the end of the year.

30 pounds to go

The average age to lose your virginity is 17 years old

I'm finally above average for something

France and Italy simultaneously declare war on each other

France surrenders

Italy changes sides

Both lose

My wife wanted to get into "role play" to spice things up in the bedroom

I asked what she had in mind.
"Let's play doctor", she said.

I told her to go in the bedroom, shut the door, take off all of her clothes and wait on the bed for me.

After a half an hour I walked in, told her to lose 20 lbs. and handed her a bill for $300.

I regret joining the gym recently..

leaving the EU would've been a more effective way to lose pounds

"I wanted to lose 10 lbs. this year....

only 13 lbs. to go!"


Why is the French military always shocked when they lose a battle?

Because electricity flows in the path of *least resistance*

What do a tornado, a hurricane, and a redneck divorce have in common?

Somebody's gonna lose their trailer.

The David Cameron diet:

You'll never lose your pounds quicker.

Weight losers

The girl's husband was getting a bit tubby round the middle, so she decided to tempt him to do something about it.

"Honey," she said, "if you lose 20 lbs, I'll do a sexy striptease for you."

Cruelly, he replied, "And if you lose 20 lbs, I'll watch."

When people lose one sense, other senses usually get enhanced.

That is why individuals with no sense of Humor
have increased sense of self-importance and narcissism.

Bro, you really don't want to get into a dick-measuring contest with me. Trust me, you'll lose.

I'm really good at measuring dicks.

It's been a year that I started working out to lose 10 pounds...

Only 12 more to go

The best way to lose weight is to eat naked in front of a mirror.

The restaurant will ask you to leave before you can eat too much.

I started 2016 with a goal to lose 20 pounds

Only 30 more to go and I'm there!

Jesus saw a crying old man while walking in a desert.

He came closer and asked what problem is.

Old man: I'm looking for my son, but I'm gonna lose my hope.
Jesus pitied the man and said, let's look for your son together.
After some time, Jesus asked him that if he has some birthmark or else to recognize him more easily.
Yes, said the old man. He had nails driven on his hands and feet.
Jesus started and hugged the man, saying FATHER!
The old man screamed happily, PINOCCHIO!

How do people lose their kids at the mall?

Seriously, any tips would be greatly appreciated...

Easily lose weight by cutting these two things out of your diet:

Breakfast and dinner.

My dad told me this joke please laugh.

How come american cops always lose at pool?

Because they always shoot down the black one first.

What's the fastest way to lose a few pounds?

Exit the European Union.

Britain will be just fine...

you always lose a few Pounds after a breakup.

Women are like hand grenades

If you take off the ring you lose your house and half your belongings

Isaac Newton, Albert Einstein and Blaise Pascal are playing hide and seek

Einstein is counting down while Newton and Pascal are trying to hide. Pascal jumps into the bushes and Newton walks a few steps, picks up a stick, draws a square on the ground and just stands there. Einstein turns around and instantly spots Newton.

- Found you Newton, you lose!
- Now wait a minute good sir, can't you see what I drew below me? I am a Newton on a square meter so technically you found Pascal.

My wife has told me she wants a divorce because there's another man. I hate to lose her…

…but I just love him more…

A frenchman walks into a library

And asks the Librarian if he can checkout a book about War. The Librarian responds, "No, you'll lose it."

How are marriages like tornadoes?

They begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, but in the end you lose your house.

Scientists tested a frog.

They cut off its legs and said "jump!"

The frog didn't jump.

Scientists therefore concluded that when frogs lose their legs, they become deaf.

Why did Hitler lose his drivers licence?

He was too hard on the gas

I just read the average age to lose your virginity is 17 years old.

I'm finally above average for something.

What's the easiest way to lose 20 pounds?

The Steam summer sale

I accidentally let my cows graze in a patch of marijuana, and if anyone finds out I could lose everything.

The steaks have never been higher.

Why are diet pills so effective in the UK?

If you buy enough, you are guaranteed to lose 30 pounds fast.

A dog lays by the railroad tracks..

And falls asleep with his tail hanging over them a little. A train comes by eventually and cuts off the tip of his tail. The dog whips around to see what happened and the train cuts off his head, too.

Moral of the story? Don't lose your head over a little piece of tail.

This is my grandpa's favorite joke. He has Alzheimers and can't remember much, but this joke is on constant replay and you can see the old twinkle in his eye when he tells it.

Jesus and Moses are at a lake in heaven

They both want to see if their powers still work


so moses splits the lake, walks right through, and says "alright jesus, now you try it"


So jesus tries to walk atop the waters but winks right through, and swims to the other side.


"What happened?" Moses asks, "Did you lose balance or something?"


"Well last time I didn't have holes in my feet"

The doctor told me to lose some weight.

I said, "How?"

He said "Don't eat anything fatty."

I said, "You mean pies, chips, that sort of thing?"

He said, "No, just don't eat anything, fatty."

Next time someone asks you if you have found Jesus:

"Have you found Jesus?"

"Damnit, did you guys lose him again? Seriously, start using bigger nails."

My one and only go-to joke, hope you like it.

A blond is riding a horse, it starts galloping faster and faster. She feels herself beginning to lose her grip and start to slid down the the saddle. She begins panicking because the horse isn't slowing and shes nearing the ground. At the very last minute the Walmart greeter walks over and unplugs it.

When Brexit happens, how much space will the EU lose?

Exactly 1GB

I have an amazing ability, I find objects just before people lose them.

The police however call it theft.

my doctor said for every upvote this gets, i will lose one rib

I only need 24 and then I can finally give myself head

A stock market crash is worse than a divorce.

You lose half your money and your wife is still around.

Had my medical license revoked today.

Being a medical professional is like being in a minefield. All it takes is one mistep and you can lose it all. I made a one-time mistake and slept with a patient. A co-worker heard her passionate crys and came to find us in the act. Embarrassing be as it was, I never expected to be the end of my career.

12 years wasted as a veterinarian.

There is an abundance of backhand jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 55 funniest jokes and lose puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any losing weight witze you can hear about lose.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes