Lord Jokes
151 lord jokes and hilarious lord puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about lord that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Enjoy some side-splitting laughs with our collection of Lord jokes! From Star Lord and Sith Lord to Dark Lord and Praise the Lord, there's something to tickle everyone's funny bone. We've even got special "Dear Lord" jokes and plenty of hilarious one-liners about Drug Lords, Jah, Shitlords, and Reverends!
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Funniest Lord Short Jokes
Short lord jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The lord humour may include short master jokes also.
- Ever wonder how a Jehovah's Witness spreads their word during Covid? Now that you're here, do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?
- My wife woke up just now. She is dreaming and muttering about how she wrote the lord of the rings trilogy. She's Tolkien in her sleep.
- "Craig, I caught your son playing 'doctor' with my daughter!" "Oh lord, that kid. My boy didn't do anything inappropriate, did he?"
"I'll say! The co-pay he charged was outrageous!" - When I was a kid I prayed every night for a new bicycle Then I learned the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and prayed for forgiveness instead
- Last night I dreamed I was the author of The Lord of the Rings. I've been Tolkien in my sleep.
- I wouldn't be mad. And the Lord said unto John "Come forth and receive eternal life". But John came fifth and won a toaster.
- And the Lord said to Peter 'Come forth and receive eternal life' Peter came fifth and won a toaster.
- How to anger Lord of the Rings fans? When you're watching The Two Towers and the ents are marching, shout "RUN, FOREST! RUN!"
- What do you call it when there's a movie about the Guardians of the Galaxy before they met Star-Lord? A pre-Quill.
- Lord said unto John: Come forth, and I will give you eternal life. But John came fifth, so he won a microwave.
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Lord One Liners
Which lord one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with lord? I can suggest the ones about boss and chairman.
- Why isn't Holy Water used in vaccines ? Because, you can't take the Lords name in vein.
- Two handicapped men walk into a bar... PRAISE THE LORD!!
- What do you call a Sith Lord with joint pain? Darthritis
- Which sith lord prefers to cripple his opponents rather than kill them? Darth Ritis
- The Lord moves in mysterious ways. But you don't. Use your turn signal.
- Dear Lord, thank you for these noodles Ramen.
- Well I've heard there was a secret chord That David played and it pleased the Lord. Gsus
- What do you get when you cross a Drug cartel and a mafia lord? Probably killed.
- What do you call someone with a spice garden on Gallifrey? A Thyme Lord.
- Lord Nelson was 5ft 6 inches. His statue is 17ft 4 inches. That's Horatio of 3:1.
- [spoilers] Roses are red, the sea's full of salt Everyone's dead, It's all Star Lord's fault.
- Why does The Lord’s Prayer ask for our daily bread Because it’s something we knead.
- What's the title of audi CEO? Lord of the Rings.
- What's Darth Vader's stage name when he plays his electric piano? The synth lord
- What is a Sith Lord's favorite drink at the bar? A Palpitini
Lord Of The Rings Jokes
Here is a list of funny lord of the rings jokes and even better lord of the rings puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Ringwraiths My daughter watching Lord of the rings:
D: So the hobbits call the nazgul the black riders right?
Me: yeah
D: the nazgul are like: 'yo, that's wraithist'
Cue facepalm. - Did you hear? Copies of The Lord of the Rings, The Hobbit, and The Silmarillion are considered one-of-a-kind when sold and traded. They're Non-Fungible Tolkiens.
- If Charles Dickens wrote The Lord of the Rings, how would the novel have started? It was the best of Shires. It was the Worcestershires.
- I bought myself a 6 ft boomerang with Lord of the Rings characters on it. It's really hard to Frodo
- Which Lord of the Rings character was upset because he had no toys to play with? Legoless.
- Lord of the Rings is symbolic of Marriage One ring rules your life, it slowly destroys you, and sometimes, death seems easier than continuing on.
- What is Saturn's favorite movie? Lord of the Rings.
- I don't get how people have problems with diversity in Lord of the Rings Legolas has been an arrow ace the whole time.
- What do The Lord of the Rings and Brokeback Mountain have in common? They're both movies about going to a mountain to destroy someone's ring.
- I always found the Lord of the Rings trilogy a bit boring It's just a LOTR walking around
Lord Of The Ring Jokes
Here is a list of funny lord of the ring jokes and even better lord of the ring puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- whats the difference between lord of the rings and new york? two towers
- What time did Tolkien finish Lord of the Rings? At elven o'clock.
- I hear that Legolas from the Lord of the Rings had an older brother, but he died before Legolas was born. His name was Legofirst.
- Bruce Willis has been cast to play the lead role in the upcoming Lord of the Rings sequel. Old Hobbits Die Hard.
- Why did the Lord of the Rings author get kicked out of the movie theatre. He was Tolkien all the way through.
- "Aw man, who's going to agree to play Frodo in the Lord of the Rings movies?" "Elijah Would."
- Who should have played Bilbo? Who should have played Bilbo Baggins in Lord of the Rings? Bruce Willis. Because old hobbits die hard.
- A Lord of the Rings Joke How did Mister Baggins know when his neighbor had died?
He read it in the Hobbituary. - What do you call an Irish snake in Lord of the Rings? Legolas
- Rumor has it Hollywood is casting Idris Elba for a Lord of the Rings reboot to promote diversity. Idris is playing the Tolkien Black Guy
Dear Lord Jokes
Here is a list of funny dear lord jokes and even better dear lord puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Dear Lord, there is a bug in your software...it's called #Monday, please fix it...
Star Lord Jokes
Here is a list of funny star lord jokes and even better star lord puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What did the pop star say when she learned she owed back taxes? Lorde.
- Why were Star Wars fans upset with the new scenes filmed by Ron Howard? Because Lord and Miller shot first.
- Whenever I'm depressed, I go to the roof at night, watch the view, reminisce, look at the stars and be touched by the lord.... ..the land lord..
- What do you get when you cross a Sith Lord, and a Donkey? Darth Mule!
A joke, from third grade me...
Happy Star Wars day! - Despite what happened in Infinity War, I still worship Peter Quill. He's my Star-lord and savior.
- if Star-Lord steps on a banana peel and falls over... ... is it considered a Prattfall?
- They said I'd never star in the Lord of the Rings... But Elijah Wood
- Remember how in Lord of the Rings they slept out under the stars? It was pretense.
Cheerful Fun Lord Jokes to Brighten Your Day with Humor and Joy
What funny jokes about lord you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean owner jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make lord pranks.
The usher in church greets one of their members...
and says "Welcome! You need to join the army of the Lord!"
The member says,"I am in the Lord's army".
The usher asked,"Then why do I only see you on Christmas and Easter?"
The member leaned over and whispered,"I'm in the Secret Service."
An angel appears at a faculty meeting...
... And tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.
"Done!" says the angel and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning. Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length one of his colleagues whispers, "Say something."
The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What a relief!
I went out with this one girl, and she scared me. One day she says to me "Soon you're gonna hear the pitter-patter of little feet!" and I'm thinking, "Oh Lord, she's pregnant"...
She ended up leaving me for a midget.
Middle Earth Dreamer
A man is concerned about his dreams and goes to see a doctor.
"Doctor, I've been having these dreams about Middle Earth every night and when I wake up, I'm convinced that I wrote The Lord of the Rings!"
The doctor tells the man, "Don't worry about it, you're just Tolkien in your sleep."
And the lord said 'take this all of you and eat it, this is my body which will be given up for you"
and Gordon Ramsay replied bland, dry, and tasteless."
A man was being chased in the woods by a lion who was going to eat him...
He ran his hardest, but the lion was advancing quickly. Just as it looked like the end for him, he decided on a last ditch effort. Being Catholic, he looked to the sky, dropped to his knees, and desperately prayed. "Lord!" he exclaimed. "Make this lion a Christian!" Instantly the lion pressed his paws together and prayed "For this meal in which I am about to partake..."
The Irishman's parking space
An Irishman is trying to find a parking space outside his local pub on a busy evening, but cannot find a single one.
He looks skyward and says, "Lord, if you grant me this space, I'll come to Church every Sunday like a good Catholic should."
Low and behold, a space opens up right in front of him at which time, he looks skyward again and says, "Never mind, I found one."
A Jehovah's Witness knocks on a Jew's door.
Jew: "Can I help you?"
Witness: "Hello sir, I'm here to tell you about the great Lord Jehovah!"
Jew: "Is that what you call him? You know, we have a name for him too..."
Witness: "No way?!"
Jew: "Yahweh."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Heresy
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he said.
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
"Like what?"
"Well ... are you religious or atheist?"
"Religious."
"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"
"Christian."
"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Protestant."
"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Baptist."
"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
"Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"
To which I said, "Die, heretic s**...!" and pushed him off.
~Emo Philips
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.
Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
A priest and a rabbi get into a car accident...
A priest and a rabbi get into a car accident at an intersection. They get out of their cars and find that neither is hurt, which is surprising because it was a horrible accident. The cars are a mangled mess.
The priest says to the rabbi, "Thank the lord that we are both uninjured! That was *terrifying.* I still can't stop shaking. I was so frightened!"
The rabbi says, "Friend, I feel the same way. I saw my life flash before my eyes, but those airbags saved us. Look, I had this bottle of Manischevits wine on the seat next to me and it didn't even break! Here, let's have a drink to calm our nerves. " as he hands the bottle to the priest
"Yes, and also to celebrate still being alive!" the priest says as he takes a long drink from the bottle.
He hands the bottle back to the rabbi who, instead of drinking, closes the bottle and puts it in his pocket.
"Aren't you going to have a drink?" the priest asks
"Not until after the cops get here. "
Cop stopped me...
Cop stopped me.
Me: A problem, officer?
Cop: what's that bottle?
Me: it's just water, officer
Cop: but this is wine, sir
Me: praise the lord & his miracles.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man asked a priest for a name change..
"Hello Father, i would like to change my name please." the man said.
"Alright, what is your current name sir?" the priest asked.
"Bob h**...", the man said.
"Oh lord, i understand. What would you like to change your name to?" the priest asked.
"John h**...".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Prescription
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist's eye got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Pedro was driving down a street when...
Pedro was driving down the Panjim street in a swift because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up my whiskey. I will give up gambling and womanising too!!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Pedro looked up again and said," Never mind, I found one ! Sorry I bothered you !!"
What does an aging Sith lord with a bad hip use to get around?
An Imperial Walker
Two nuns are walking down an alley late at night...
When they get approached by 2 men who begin assaulting them. After minutes of the altercation, Sister Mary Sue screams, "Oh dear Lord! Forgive this man for he knows not what he is doing!" Sister Sarah looks up and says, "....Mine does".
A conversation with god about Trump
John (while writing Revelations): "So Lord, the end will be signaled by trumpets?"
God: "No... I said Trump/Pence."
John: Yeah, trumpets.
God: "Never mind. They'll know."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A boy pokes a girl with a pin at church
The church priest asks the girl a question "who is our lord and savior?" *the boy stabs her with the pin* she yells "JESUS CHRIST" the priest says "good good, who created us" *the boy stabs her again* she yells "GOD ALMIGHTY" the priest says "good good, now, what did Eve say to Adam after they had their 42nd child?" *he stabs her again* the girl screams "IF YOU PUT THAT THING IN MY ONE MORE TIME IM GONNA SHOVE IT DOWN YOUR t**...!" The priest faints..
Lotr
Hand. Hand. River. Dirt. Gollum. Hobbits. Pockets. Pockets. Finger. Envelope. Fire. Hand. Neck. Neck. Finger. Hobbits. Neck. Neck. Neck. Pocket. Finger. LAVA.
- The Lord of the Rings Trilogy, from the perspective of the ring.
today, i learned that "Donald Trump" is an anagram of "Tan Dump Lord"
...it's like his parents knew all along
Tried To Compromise
I recently broke up with my girlfriend. We just didn't have anything in common. But when that happens, you have to try to compromise. I tried to compromise with her. I remember one time I was like, 'Look, if you go with me to my "Lord of the Rings" fan fiction meet up group, I'll go with you to this ultrasound thing.'
Blonde goes ice fishing
A blonde decides to go ice fishing. She makes a hole in the ice and starts fishing.
Suddenly a voice from above says: There are no fish here.
Startled, the blonde looks around but doesn't see anybody. She shrugs and continues.
After a while the voice comes again: There are no fish here.
The blonde looks up and asks, Lord? Is that you?
The voice replies,"No, this is the ice-skating rink's maintenance manager. Seriously, there are no fish here.
The Mexican drug lord El Chapo has been extradited to the United States...
It's still unclear which cabinet post he'll be appointed to.
The woman in the store
A woman walks into a store. Billy the clerk and the manager are talking away, and the woman asks the clerk where some stuff is.
Woman: "Excuse me sir, do you know where the Kleenex, toilet paper, ear cleaners, napkins, and tampons are?
The manager replies with, "Dear Lord Billy, help her! She's leaking from every hole!"
My first three wives...
"The first two ate poisonous mushrooms.
The third one took a shot to the head."
"Oh my lord" my friend says, "that is awful, who shot her?"
"I did," I say,
"She wasn't eating the poisonous mushrooms"
Lord of the Bow
So I was telling my friend about my prowess with a bow and arrow yesterday. I said "my best round ever didn't start so well, I only scored 1 point with each of my first two arrows. Got better after that, scored 2 with the next, then 3, then 5. On my 12th and final arrow I managed to score 144."
She was quick to point out that this was impossible, so I had to confess it was a fibbin' archery sequence.
An Irish priest is driving along a country road when a police man pulls him over.
He immediately smells alcohol on the priest's breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.
He says: "Have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The cop replies: "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says: "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
I saw a single set of footprints in the sand...
"Lord," I asked, "why is there but one set of footprints in the sand?"
"My child," he tenderly replied, "Those are Chris Christie's."
What does a Muslim meme lord call his naughty girlfriend?
Haram bae.
A man walks into a shop...
He sees three brains sitting on the table a regular brain, a republican brain and a liberal brain.
Buyer: how much is each brain?
The seller: the regular brain is 200 dollars the republican brain is 300 dollars
But this here the liberal brain is 15,000 dollars.
Buyer: Oh Lord why is the liberal brain so expensive?
Seller: well it's never been used before!
My body is a temple of the LORD
Only the high priest is allowed to come inside.
Jesus is on the cross..
..fading fast he yells to his disciple Paul.
"Paul come to me my child. Come to me!"
Paul musters all his strength to break through the crowd.
"Yes my lord, I am coming to you"
Jesus continues to yell for Paul. Paul now crying falls at Jesus feet....
"Yes my lord!!!?"
"Paul, I can see your house from here".
Two boys are staying at grandmas doing nightly prayers
Two boys are staying at grandmas doing nightly prayers. The first boy quietly asks God for a puppy, the second boy shouts "PLEASE LORD LET ME HAVE A NEW BIKE". The first boy says to the other boy "you don't need to yell I'm sure God can hear you", the second boy says "I know he can but grandma needs to".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little Johnny goes to his mother...
"Mommy, Mommy! do you know that my new babysitter is an angel?"
"Oh why do you say so?" replies the Mother.
"Because this morning, while you were out, she was standing all n**... in your room on the bed under the crucifix you and Dad keep on the wall screaming \-I am coming, oh Lord, I am coming!!!\- luckily Daddy was behind holding her down"...
Little Mary asks her mother: Mum, why do people go to heaven with their legs up?
A tad bit confused, her mother replies: Mary, what do you mean by that?
Well , Mary says. This afternoon, I saw the maid laying on the kitchen table with her legs up. She was screaming: Oh God, oh Lord, I'm coming, I'm coming! Thankfully, daddy was laying right on top of her to stop her from going!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"Thank you Lord"
Two guys are walking through a game park & they come across a lion that has not eaten for days. The lion starts chasing the two men. They run as fast as they can and the o**... starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, "Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord." He looks to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees. Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the lion. As he comes closer to the lion, he hears the it saying a prayer: "Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive."
Three priests gathered together for a drink .
During their get together ,the host ask the other two :
- How do you split your money with the Lord ?
"I draw a line on the floor in my church ,then ,i throw the money in the air ,whatever is on my side I get to keep ,whatever falls on his side he keeps it" sais the first priest.
The second one replies "well I draw circle and then I' throw the money in the air ,whatever falls inside the circle is mine ,whatever Falls outside the circle is His" .
"How do you split your money ?" they both ask the host priest.
I' just throw the money in the air and he keeps whatever he wants.
Because it wasn't good for Adam to be all by himself, the Lord came down for a visit.
"Adam," the Lord said, "I have a plan to make you a very happy man. I'm going to give you a companion who will fulfill your every need and desire. She will be loving, and beautiful, and faithful. She will make you feel wonderful every day of your life."
Adam was stunned, "That sounds incredible!"
"I'm glad you like the idea, but it doesn't come cheap." The Lord replied. "It will cost you an arm and a leg."
"That's a pretty high price to pay," Adam said. "What can I get for a rib?"
A man goes for confession ...
The priest says Tell me son why are you here
Well father , during the war , I hid a Jewish family in my attic and saved them from certain death. the man replied.
The priest taken aback replies , Well son this is a rather noble act that the lord would be proud of , why are you here at confession?
Well father , I charged them rent to stay in my attic. the man replied.
This is not right son , we should help others without asking anything in return , this is the true Christian way the priest replied.
The man replied , Well in that case should I tell them that the war is over ?
A man rushes into the doctors' office and screams, "Doctor, Doctor! I swallowed one of those 'do not eat' packets in a bag of pepperoni! Am I going to die?" The doctor tries to relax him by saying, "Well, everyone is going to die eventually."
The man shrieks and responds, "Everyone?! Oh lord, what have I done?"
What do you call a Sith Lord who left his wife?
Darth Evade-her
30 years ago my uncle stole my nose, and he hasn't given it back.
-Lord Voldemort
A buck wearing a robe and clutching a bible was found dead near a rural highway...
The person who found the animal exclaimed "Deer Lord" upon its discovery.
Another three nuns joke....Three nuns are walking home late one night when suddenly they are attacked by three men.
The men pull them into the bushes and begin to assault them.
The first nun, clutching her rosary beads says, "forgive him Lord, he knows not what he does."
The second one closes her eyes and says, "forgive him Lord, he knows not what he does."
The third nun says, "this one does."
Do you know why Hindu worship Lord Ganesha first
Because we have to first address the elephant in the room
Christian Horse
A Christian guy named Bill saw ana d online for a Christian Horse, so he went to check it out. The horse's owner said, "It's easy to ride him. Just say 'Praise the Lord!' to make him go and 'Amen!' to make him stop."
Bill got on the horse and said, "Praise the Lord!" Sure enough, the horse started to walk. "Praise the Lord!" he said again, and the horse began to trot. "Praise the Lord!" he yelled and the horse broke into a gallop.
Bill was enjoying his ride so much that he almost didn't notice the cliff he and horse were about to go over. Bill shouted "AMEN!" at the top of his lungs, and the horse stopped right at the edge of the cliff.
Relieved, Bill said, "Phew, Praise the Lord!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was trying to sleep last night. Here's what happened.
Some dude has this bed right beside mine, and he randomly started saying this:
"I was born in 1892 in Bloemfontein. I wrote The Hobbit and The Lord of The Rings..."
For f**...'s sake he was Tolkien in his sleep!
Jesus crucified on the cross yelled out Peter's name
Peter! Peter! Peter!
Peter wasn't allowed to go near the cross by the soldiers, so with great difficulty he fought them all off.
With tears in his eyes eventually he reached the cross and joined both his hands,
"What is it my lord?"
"Peter, i can see the roof of your house."
Aliens come to earth...
They meet with all the world leaders. Eventually it's the Pope's turn to chat to them. He asks the one alien, Greetings alien, what do you think of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ?
The alien exclaims, Ah, JC! He's my boy! We have a massive party when he visits us once a year!
He visits you once a year? The Pope asks in astonishment. He hasn't been to earth in more than two millennia! How did you manage that?!
Well, when he first came to our planet we gave him a box of our finest chocolates. What did you guys do?
Chuck Norris Joke
A priest, Jesus and Chuck Norris are on a sinking boat. Jesus starts to walk back to land. Chuck Norris does the same. The priest says "Lord, please let me walk on water", tries to walk but drowns. When Jesus and Chuck Norris got on land Jesus asked him "Shouldn't we have told him where the stones are"? And Chuck answered "Which stones"
A Gentleman happening to turn up against a House to make Water,
did not see two young Ladies looking out of a Window close by him, 'till he heard them giggling, then looking towards them, he asked, what made them so merry? O! Lord, Sir, said one of them, a very little Thing will make us laugh.
Words from the mathematician's Bible
And the Lord spoke to the animals, and he said "Go forth and multiply!"
The snakes came up to him and said "Oh Lord, forgive us, but we cannot fulfill your commandment, we cannot multiply, for we are adders".
"Go and cut down the trees and build furniture out of them", said the Lord, "for with the aid of log tables, adders can multiply"
Did you hear that Judas turned state's evidence against the lord?
He had to go into the Jehovah's Witness Protection Program.
A little girl in her Sunday best was running...
A little girl in her Sunday best was running as fast as she could to get to Sunday school on time. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late. Dear Lord, please don't let me be late." At that moment she tripped and fell getting her clothes all dirty. She got up, brushed herself off and started running again, praying... "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late, but don't shove me anymore!"
4 Monks are being chased by a Hungry Lion!
4 Monks are being chased by a Hungry Lion. As they run, they cry out to God yelling, "PLEASE LORD! CONVERT THIS LION TO BE A CHRISTIAN LION!"
They run until they reach a dead end.
They hungry lion approaches slowly, as they cry out louder:
"PLEASE LORD HEAR OUR PRAYERS AND CONVERT HIM!"
They lion stops walking, and the monks praise God.
The lion kneels down, puts his paws together and says:
"Bless us, O Lord, and these, thy gifts, which we are about to receive through thy bounty, through Christ, our Lord, Amen."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Cain, son of Adam, had a s**... load of responsibilities.
Aside from being a farmer Cain was supposed to m**... his brother and do a whole slew of other s**... so that future generations could learn from his mistakes. The lord felt pity for Cain's workload and assigned another human to shoulder some of the load. He called him co-cain. Co-cain helped him get s**... done.
A man prayed to God his entire life to win the lottery.
A man prayed to God every day for 65 years. He prayed in the morning, at lunchtime, in the evening and just before he went to sleep.
The man passed away and went to heaven. The man was rather upset with the Lord and sought him out.
When the man found the Lord, he said "I've been praying 65 years. Every day when I woke up, ate my lunch, had my dinner in the evening and just before I went to sleep. How come I never won??"
And the Lord said, "IT WOULD HAVE HELPED IF YOU BOUGHT A TICKET!"
English lord to his servant: James a glass of water please. Here you are sir. Thank you James. Another glass of water please. Sure sir, here you are. Thank you, James.
James, please call the firemen, I don't think we can put out this fire on our own.
Brain cells die, skin cells die, hair cells die
But fat cells must have accepted jesus as their lord savior because of their eternal life
