Lop Jokes

I've developed a f**... for figuring things out.

I just came to that realization.

My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.

We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.

What start with "e," ends with "e," and contains one letter?

An envelope.

It's a good thing Gatorade was developed at the University of Florida as opposed to Florida State

Seminole Fluid doesn't sound quite as good.

Yo mama's so fat

she went out in high heels and came back in flip flops

What's the generic name for Viagara?

**Mycoxafloppin**

What word starts with "E" and ends in "E" but only has one letter in it?

Envelope.

Two aliens are flying near earth

The first one says, "The dominant life form here have developed satellite based nuclear weapons."
The second one says, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"
The first one says, "I don't think so, they have it aimed at themselves."

C and C++ walk into a bar...

After a few hours, C gets sloppy drunk and spills its drink all over C++. Outraged, C++ shouts, "good God C! Have you no class??"

Why don't envelopes reproduce?

Because they're all mail!
I thought of this myself. Proud of it.

Out in space two alien life forms are speaking with each other.

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."
The second alien, who looks exactly like the first, asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"
The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have them aimed at themselves."

My parents used to tell me that drug dealers would offer me free drugs until i got addicted to them, then they would charge me extremly high prices for it once i got addicted.

Looking at games in the App Store, I think all those drug dealers turned to game developers.

My wife doesn't know this, but I put a dollar in an envelope every time we have s**.... This is all I'm spending for her christmas present.

So far she's getting a McChicken.

I've recently developed a severe phobia of elevators.

I'm taking steps to avoid them.

Are people born with a photographic memory....

....or does it take time to develop ?

I started a club for guys with erectile dysfuntion

It was a total flop. Nobody came.

What's the difference between the USA and yogurt?

If you leave yogurt alone for 300 years, it develops a culture.

In space, two aliens are talking to each other very closely

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."
The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"
The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"

What's the difference between america and a bottle of milk?

In 200 years the milk will have developed a culture

Mahatma Gandhi was a strange person.

He walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He often went on hunger strikes, and even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. He also was a very spiritual person. Finally, because he didn't eat much and when he did his diet was peculiar, he developed very smelly breath.
He eventually became known as a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it...

So I did. We had a few drinks, pretty cool guy, said he works as a web developer.

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillope

What do you call a French guy wearing sandals?

Philippe Philoppe

A redditor answers the door to find a salesman who's selling encyclopedias

"I don't need those," says the redditor. "I'm very well-informed."
"Oh, that's fortuitous!" replies the salesman, "Just think of how much fun you'll have sifting through them and finding all the errors!"

I actually heard this joke in a dream this morning

What do you call a little square that hasn't developed its new dimension yet?
Precubescent

What's the difference between America and cheese?

If left for a while, cheese develops culture.

It's a good thing our favorite sports drink was invented at University of Florida…

If it was developed at Florida State University, Gatorade might have been called Seminole Fluid instead.

One alien says to another, The dominant life forms on the planet earth appear to have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons.

The second alien replies, Are they an emerging intelligence?
The first alien says, I don't think so, they have them aimed at themselves.

No matter how much you push the envelope.

It'll still be stationery.

What is the German word for a bra?

stoppenfromfloppen

My grandfather developed cancer in his early twenties.

He is considered to be the most evil scientist that ever lived.

Day 284 without s**......

Went jogging in flip flops just to remember the sound

In honour of my first cake day, here's a few of my favourite riddles. Feel free to try them on your friends.

Q: What gets bigger, the more you take away from it?
A: A hole
Q: What two words have thousands of letters in them?
A: Post office
Q: The maker doesn't want it, the buyer doesn't use it and the user doesn't see it. What is it?
A: A coffin
Q: What travels all over the world, but stays in the corner?
A: A stamp
Q: What runs all around a field, but doesn't move?
A: A fence
Q: What starts with E, ends with e and only has one letter in it?
A: Envelope

Floppy disks are like Jesus

They died to become the icon of saving

What does a guy with 2 right feet wear to the beach?

Flop-Flops

USPS releases a stamp with Trump's picture

The US Postal Services releases a stamp with a picture of President Trump. But the new stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.
After weeks of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:
The stamp is in perfect order. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive. The fact is, people are spitting on the wrong side.

Why are the developers of NoMansSky called Hellogames?

Because you never get a goodbuy from them

My wife shouted upstairs, "the sun's just come out."

My wife shouted upstairs, "the sun's just come out." I thought great, threw on some shorts and flip flops and shot down the stairs. I was rather shocked when I got down to find our lad holding hands with his mate Michael.

A new drug has been developed for l**... with depression.

It's called Trycoxagain.

What begins with E, ends with E, and has one letter?

envelope

Difference between computers and woman

Unlike computers a woman will reject a 3 1/2 inch floppy.

A guy walks into a bar, sits at a table and orders a beer.

He then proceeds to pull out hundreds of pink valentine's day cards, write inside them and stamp them with "Love" stamps. He then pulls out a bottle of expensive perfume and spritzes each envelope.
The bartender finally can't contain his curiosity and approaches the man. "You must have 500 or more cards there," the bartender says. "I've got to admit I'm curious what you're doing."
"Oh, every year at Valentine's Day I send out 500 cards, each one signed 'Guess Who?'" the guy says.
"But why?" the bartender asks.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the guy replies.

If I have an addiction to m**...

And I suddenly develop it into an addiction to s**..., does that mean my addiction is getting out of hand?

My friend and I tried to start an erectile dysfunction club...

...but it flopped and nobody came.

How can you tell if an envelope is gay?

It comes in the mail.

My friend went bankrupt after inventing a sandal for people with only one leg.

It was a flop.

Jesus and floppy discs are very similar

They both died to become the image of saving

What's the difference between an Australian and a p**... of yogurt?

Leave a p**... of yogurt in the sun for 200 years and it develops a culture.

Martial arts

The Israelis developed Krav Maga - the art of disabling an opponent as quickly as possible.
The Japanese developed Jujitsu - the art of defeating an armed and armored opponent.
The Brazilians developed Capoeira - the art of defeating an opponent using dance and acrobatics.
The French developed parkour - the art of running away as quickly and efficiently as possible.

My wife doesn't know it,

but every time we have s**... I put $1 in an envelope. I save that money, and plan on getting her something special for our anniversary.
So far she's getting a McChicken

3 dinosaurs walk up to a shiny lamp

One of them rubs it, and a mystical blue genie flies out of it!
"Hello! I am genie! Since there are 3 of you, you each get 1 wish!
"I wish for a large piece of meat!" The first dinosaur said.
And so a large slab of meat materialized before his eyes and plopped down in front of him!
"I wish for a meat shower!" The second dinosaur said.
And so the genie made all different sorts of meats from different animals rain from a small cloud above the dinosaur's head.
Not wanting to be outdone by his friends the third dinosaur quickly tries to think of something better.
"I wish for a meatier shower!"

The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild was originally intended to be for Wii U

But mid-way through development they made the switch.

About a week ago, my Girlfriend developed anorexia

Ever since then, I've been seeing less and less of her.

What do you call a Frenchman that wears sandals?

Phillipe Floppe
Courtesy, my Neuroscience Prof.

A horse walks into a bar...

The bartender says, "why the long face?" The horse screams, "I will end you!" And bites the bartender in the t**.... A priest, a nun, and a rabbi who were just approaching the entrance quietly turn and walk away as the horse shakes the bartender vigorously back and forth screaming, "why the floppy head?! Why the floppy head?!"

The Russian Agency of Research and Automation has been commissioned by Putin to develop a new robot to make gloves for the pandemic that are superior to all others. They have named it in his honour.

It's called RARA's grasp-Putin, Russia's greatest glove machine.

Vaccinated kids are more likely to develop autism

The unvaccinated die before they get the chance

What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?

Envelope

What's the difference between America and yoghurt?

If you leave yoghurt alone for long enough it develops its own culture

Why Jesus and the 3.5" floppy are the same?

They both died to become the icon of saving.

How do you say "bra" in German?

Dat schud stoppem frum floppen.

Einstein developed a theory about space...

...it was about time too.

What's Romeo and Juliette's least favorite fruit?

cantelope

Did you know that sandals were invented by a Frenchman?

His name was Philippe Filoppe.

What do you call a bra in Germany?

A Stoppemfromfloppen

I was talking to a lovely young lady and things seemed to be going really well.

Then she said "There's something I want to get out of the way right now," and she reached up and took a wig off her head, and it turned out she was as bald as a new-laid egg.
"Alopecia," she said. "It's a condition that causes hair to fall out."
"Oh," I said. "...Just on your head, or from anywhere else as well?"
"Well," she dimpled, "there's only one way to find out."
"Of course!" I said, and took out my phone. "Hey, Google..."

I invented a sandal for people with one leg.

It was a flop.

whats the difference between a woman and a computer?

a woman wont accept a 3 1/2 inch floppy.

Why did the cyclops quit teaching?

He had only one pupil.

While doing a crossword, the cyclops asked his wife, "How do you spell Hawaii?"

She replied, "You need two i's."
Cyclops growled, "My life is just a big joke to you, isn't it?"

I haven't had s**... in so long

sometimes I go for a run in flip flops to remember what it sounds like.

How many developers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. That's a hardware problem.

As get older, I've developed an embarrassing habit of screaming loudly during a proctology exam.

It makes my patients extremely uncomfortable.

What do floppy disks and Jesus have in common?

They both had to die to become the icon of saving.

Children are born with 4 kidneys.

Upon maturity, 2 develop into adult knees.

What does an indecisive person wear?

Flip Flops.

Students at M.I.T. recently developed a new contender for the blackest material known to man...

Scientists attempted to demonstrate it in public, but it was immediately shot by the police.

Personally I think removal of net neutrality will be great. It will offer our businesses new opportunities for development which will help the economy in the long run

I've developed an irrational fear of escalators.

I always find myself taking steps to avoid them.

My dog came bounding into the house this morning with the neighbour's rabbit hanging lifeless from it's jaws.

Panic set in and so I scrubbed it clean and got all the blood marks off until it was pure white again. I then sneaked into their garden and popped it back in its hutch.
That evening my neighbour knocked at my door and said "I can't believe it, flopsy is lying dead in its hutch and the kids are hysterical."
"Sorry to hear that" I replied nervously.
"The strange thing is" he said "we buried it a couple of days ago."

Did you know that there's a species of antelope capable of jumping higher than the average house?

This is due the antelopes unnaturally strong hind legs, and he fact that the average house can't jump

In the mid 1800s a primitive c**... was developed in New Zealand, made from a sheep intestine.

It wasn't until the early 1900s that it made it's way to Australia, where it was immediately improved by removing it from the sheep.