Loose Jokes
137 loose jokes and hilarious loose puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about loose that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Bring lots of belly laughter to any gathering with this hilarious collection of "loose" jokes. Laugh at the antics of things coming apart - from loose screws to loose motion - and explore the creative potential of words related to being "loose" - like "lax" and "sewn." These jokes will get everyone laughing without having to tie a knot in their shoelaces!
Quick Jump To
- Short Loose Jokes
- Loose One Liners
- Loose Women Jokes
- Screw Loose Jokes
- Your So Loose Jokes
- More Loose Jokes
Funniest Loose Short Jokes
Short loose jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The loose humour may include short tighten jokes also.
- I told my wife, "I feel bad for saying this but you are getting loose and it doesn't feel as good anymore" She replied, "don't feel bad, it's not your fault!"
- 3 women in a bar are comparing how loose they are... One claimed they could fit a sausage, another claimed they can fit a cucumber and the other slid down the bar stool.
- I was sorting out my loose change when I dropped a 1p coin and saw it roll into a drain, which everyone around me thought was hilarious. Laughing at my ex-pence.
- What do you call a 12-sided platonic solid that loosely resembles an extinct flightless bird? A dododecahedron
- Some philosopher said Change does not come from a place of comfort. , but he was wrong. I'm always finding loose coins in my couch.
- My gym instructor advised me to wear loose clothing while exercising. I would not have joined the gym if I had any loose clothing.
- At his death bed, achilles realized that they where going to loose the war and uttered his last words. Defeet hurts.
- I found $27 in loose change in my girlfriend's PT Cruiser, but she was visibly upset. She said I cut the resale value in half.
- I was bicycling through a city in France when suddenly my wheel fell off It was too loose.
- What's the difference between an open box of stinky cheese and a Kung Fu master? One is loose brie and the other is Bruce Lee
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Loose One Liners
Which loose one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with loose? I can suggest the ones about sloppy and lose.
- There's a necrophiliac on the loose Look alive people
- Apparently, there's a necrophiliac on the loose. Look alive, people!
- There are only two outcomes in a knot-tying competition. Win or loose.
- Why do dancers wear loose trousers? For the ballroom
- Britain is the best place for foodies. You loose pounds everytime you eat
- How a blind skydiver knows he's going to land? Guide dogs leash gets loose
- What do you call a magician who looses his magic? Ian :)
- There's a criminal on the loose in the State of Quantum. Wanted dead and alive.
- I hired a hitman to clean up my sewing He has been tying up all the loose ends.
- I like my woman like I like my shoelaces. Curvy, loose, and easy to finger.
- What do you call an unpredictable camera? A loose Canon
- What did the tailor say after a job well done? There is nothing left too loose.
- How does loose leaf watch TV? Paper-view
- Why did the Pet Store owner call the dentist ? Because his canine's were loose
- I fell off my chair at the bar and pooped my pants I guess I had a loose stool.
Loose Women Jokes
Here is a list of funny loose women jokes and even better loose women puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- 90% of the money I have made.... ...has been spent on hard liquor, loose women, and other pleasures of the flesh.
The rest I squandered. - 3 women in a bar.. talking about how loose they are.
One fits a sausage
one fits a cocumber
and the other one slides down the bar stool. - Three women are sitting at a bar talking about how loose they are... One can fit in a sausage, one can fit in a cucumber and the third one just slides down onto the bar stool.
- What did the Fonz catch from sleeping with too many loose women? Hepatitis Ayyyy!
- Three women walk into a bar and are talking about how loose they are, The first one fits a hot dog, the second a cucumber and the last one slides down the bar stool.
- I like my women like I like my pool tables... Fast, loose, and three feet tall.
- I like my bowels like I like my women... Loose.
- What does a bank and a women have in common? When you withdraw, you loose interest.
- What do women and grenades have in common? If you remove the ring you loose your house.
- Why are women who have had kids not allowed in the Navy? Because loose lips sink ships
Screw Loose Jokes
Here is a list of funny screw loose jokes and even better screw loose puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do Greek Gods do when screws get loose? They Titan them.
- The incoming presidential cabinet is like Ikea furniture. The directions come from something impossible to read, it will barely last 4 years and definitely has a few screws loose.
- How many Border Collies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one. And I can fix any loose wiring while I'm at it.
- First Boy: Why is your brother always flying off the handle? Second Boy: Because he's got a screw loose!
- Why did Frankenstein vote Democrat? Because he had a screw loose.
*(Feel free to change to whichever party you oppose.)* - I told my wife I felt like I had a few screws loose. She told me I've always been nuts.
- Guy breaks out of the psych ward, goes straight to a w**... and pays for the oldest, worn-out, flabbiest woman. They say he had a loose screw.
Your So Loose Jokes
Here is a list of funny your so loose jokes and even better your so loose puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Three girls sit at a bar bragging about how loose they are. The first says she can fit a sausage. The second says a cucumber. The third starts to slide down the bar stool
- Proper diaper fitting If the baby's legs turn blue, it's too tight, if they turn brown, it's too loose.
- A maniac is on the loose after stabbing 6 people with a knitting needle... Early reports from the police suggest he is following some kind of pattern...
- How to catch an elephant Dig a hole big enough for an elephant. Fill it with loose ash and cover it with frozen peas as bait. Then when he comes up to take a pea, you kick him in the ash-hole.
- Why do you put diapers on a baby? To tie up loose ends
- What looses a head every morning but gets it back every night? A pillow
- I used to sell loose onions Until I got the sack
- An Italian and a Jew go into business together, who looses? the government
- Should you tie or stitch your loose ends? Maybe sew maybe knot!
- Did you hear the news? Kevin Bacon has leprosy. It's true. Doctors say he's got a foot loose.
Cheerful Fun Loose Jokes to Brighten Your Day with Humor and Joy
What funny jokes about loose you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean losing jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make loose pranks.
What does a marriage and a hurricane have in common?
It begins with a lot of s**... and blowing and in the end you still loose your house
Guy goes to the doctor
A guy goes to the doctor. Asks, "Hey Doc, will I live to 100? I don't drink, don't smoke, don't eat fried foods, and don't run around with loose women."
Doctor replies: "So why would you want to live to 100?"
What do you call a s**... camera?
A loose Canon.
Joey the altar boy goes to confession and says...
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.
"Well, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'
'Four months vacation and five good leads.'
I prefer loose leaf paper over plain white paper...
...the plain white stuff is too unruly.
An older couple is sitting in church
when the wife passes a note over to her husband. It says
"I just let a silent but deadly f**... loose. What should I do?"
The husband replies
"Get your hearing aid checked."
A guy calls up his wife's doctor...
and asks "Is there any way you can tighten things up down there, cuz she's getting a little loose?"
The doctor says "Have you ever thought of using the other hole?"
The guy says "Are you crazy? I could get her pregnant!"
Confession
Matthew goes into a confessional box and says "Bless me father for I have sinned, I have been with a loose woman."
The Priest says "is that you Matthew?"
"Yes father, it is I."
"Who was the woman you were with?"
"I cannot tell you for I do not wish to sully her reputation."
The priest asks "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"No father."
"Was it Fiona MacDonald?"
"No father."
"Was it Ann Brown?"
"No father, I cannot tell you."
The priest says "I admire your perseverance but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys."
Matthew goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and asks "What did you get?" Matthew replies "I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys and three good leads."
Today just wasn't my day.
I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. Finally leave the house for work and the doorknob comes loose and just breaks off.
I'm afraid to go to the bathroom..
A kid goes to church to confess...
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads..."
A man orders a shot of ever spirit in the bar, downs them all and says to the barman "I probably shouldn't have had all of those with what I've got". "Why?", asks the concerned barman, "what have you got?"
"About two dollars and some loose change." Replies the man.
What do you call an unpredictable, out-of-control photographer?
A loose Canon.
Father-in-law's f**...
A man was sitting next to his wife at her father's f**... when someone sitting next to him let loose a "silent-but-*deadly*" f**... during the eulogy. Without thinking, the main blurted out, "Jesus, it smells like something died in here"
A boy goes into confession...
The boy tells the priest, "Father I'm afraid I've been with a loose girl."
"Hmm, ok son, what was the girls name?"
"Oh I can't say."
"Was it Mary Jane?"
"No Father."
"Adalina Mozarelli?"
"My lips are sealed."
"How about Cindy King"
"I can never say."
"Oh come on boy, I'll find out soon enough. It was Tina King wasn't it!?"
"No."
"It has to be Tracy Cummings though!"
"Father I will never tell you."
"Ok fine, but for your sin you can't be alter boy for four months."
"Ok, Father"
The boy leaves and his friend asks, "So what'd you get?"
The boy responds, "Five good leads, and a four month vacation!"
Three girls are sitting at a bar talking about how loose they are
The first girl says "I'm so loose my boyfriend can get three fingers inside of me". The second girl says "I'm so loose MY boyfriend can get his whole fist in me." The third girl just smiles and slowly slides down the bar stool.
On the news tonight they said a skull-f**... was on the loose...
everyone should keep an eye out for him.
They should call the "Emergency Brake" the "All-h**... Brake"
Because if it fails on a step hill, then "All-h**... brake's loose."
The difference between sexists and misogynists...
Sexist: I like my women like I like my jeans - loose in the c**...!
Mysogynist: I like my women like I like my jeans - acid washed!
How to explain to your parents that you are a p**...
Hey mom, remember when I said I was tight for money? Now I'm loose for money.
The Priest and the Altar Boy
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.' The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" 'I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Was it Nina Capelli?' 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' 'Was it Cathy Piriano?' 'My lips are sealed Father.' 'Well then, was it Rosa DiAngelo?' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?' 'Four month's vacation and five excellent Leads.'
A joke I've picked up from working in Higher Education.
At a small university there is the director of the Sociology program, the director of the Religious Studies program, the director of the Anthropology program and the university president. All four of them are heading to a conference in the next town over. The directors all decide to carpool, and the president is driving his Porsche behind them. On the way to the conference the directors loose control of their vehicle and c**... into oncoming traffic. It's a horrific accident. The university president manages to stop his car, gets out, witnesses the accident and exclaims...
"Oh the Humanities!"
Very offensive man on the loose with flint and steel
Sparks outrage
You know who never looses their work when their computer shuts off abruptly?
Jesus. Jesus saves.
I Like My Vaginas Like My Two Favorite Clint Eastwood Movies
Dirty Harry and Every Which Way but Loose
Loose women
3 women are sitting at a bar conversing over lady stuff.
Eventually the first woman says, "I'm so loose I can fit an entire carrot up there.."
The second woman chimes in and says, "yes, well I'm so loose I can fit an entire baseball bat up there.."
The Third woman slides down the bar stool
Three women are sitting at a bar...
And they're bragging about how loose they are. The first one says:
"I could fit an entire zucchini up there!"
The second one says:
"Oh yeah? Well I could fit an entire pineapple up there!"
The third one doesn't say anything and she slides down the stool.
What's more annoying than a monkey trying to steal your banana?
Working at a Tesco supermarket in Produce, putting out loose bananas on display, and while trying to do so, customers keep barging their way in to you and remove the lovely bananas you just put there and leave with a remark on the lines of, "Sorry, I'm just going to ruin your display, HA HA".
What would you do if you won the lottery?
Two friends meet together and one asks:
What would you do if you won the lottery?
-I would build a brothel!
Oh, and if it went wrong and you loose money?
-I'd open it to the public
Golf is like urinating in a public toilet
- Keep your back straight
- knees bent.
- Feet shoulder width apart.
- Form a loose Grip
- keep your head down
- avoid a quick backswing
- stay out of the water
- try not to hit anybody
- if you taking too long you should let others go ahead of you
- you shouldn't stand directly in front of others
- be quite when others are about to go
- keep strokes to a minimum
Noah and the Two Snakes.
Noah, after settling his ship down and letting loose the animals aboard his Ark unto the world, noticed a pair of snakes that were left behind.
"Well, what are you guys still doing here?" Asked Noah.
"Remember how you said 'go forth and multiply' ?" One of the snakes replied.
"Yes..." Noah responded, looking deeply confused.
"We can't, we're adders."
My grandfather told me this In German so it might already be posted somewhere here, oh and it's translated
Two guys are riding bicycles down the street.
One of the bikes fenders was loose and was making a loud noise.
So the first guy said to the second guy
"Hey your fender is too loud"
The second guy says "what?"
The first guy speaks louder
"your fender is too loud"
The second guy replies "what?"
The first guy yells
"YOUR FENDER IS TOO LOUD"
The second guy yells back
"I CANT HEAR YOU MY FENDER IS TOO LOUD!"
How are a Texas Tornado and a tennessee Divorce the same?
Someone's going to loose a trailer
What's the difference between "loose" and "loser"?
One describes your mom and the other describes your dad.
Boy goes to confession and tells the priest he has been with a girl of loose morals.
"That's a grievous sin," the priest says. "Tell me: Was it Mary O'Hara?"
"No, Father."
"Was it Kate Dannaher?"
"No, Father."
"Was it Kathleen McGonigle?"
"No, Father. I don't want to say who it was."
Later, as the boy leaves the church, he sees a friend, who asks him, "How'd it go?"
He answers, "Well, I got ten Hail Marys, five Our Fathers... and three great leads."
A bus breaks down and the driver pops the hood to investigate
A blonde passenger who is a certified mechanic comes out with her toolbox, eager to help and show off her training and also give blondes a good reputation for a change. She leans behind the bus driver and sees a loose bolt, so, helpful, she asks: "Fancy a screw driver?"
There is a serial killer currently on the loose
He has been murdering people with knitting needles. Police think he is following some kind of pattern.
Three bottoms are sitting at a bar.
The first says, I'm so loose my boyfriend can fit his whole hand inside me.
The second says that's nothing. My boyfriend can fit his whole arm inside me!
The third laughs, and the bar stool disappears.
Three bottoms sit in a bar...
The first says, "I'm so loose, my partner can put their fist in me."
The second laughs and says, "That's nothing. I'm so loose that my partner can put their arm in me."
The third laughs and the barstool disappears.
Three buttholes walk into a bar
They sit on bar-stools while their ladies enjoy a beer.
The first one says I'm so loose that I can hold in a fist easily
The second one giggles and says I'm so loose I can hold in two fists, no problem
The third one laughs.... and the bar-stool disappears
One of the guys I'm training just jokingly told me I heard your mom is loose .
I immediately responded ashes usually are after they're spread .
Three gay men are at a bar.
The first one says, I'm so loose, my boyfriend can fit his fist inside me without effort! Second one says, Oh yeah? I'm so loose that my bf can fit his whole arm inside me without effort! Third guy laughs and the stool beneath him disappears.
Where does an Italian keep their loose change?
In their penne jar
Three Prostitutes are in a bar, discussing how loose they are.
The first fits a sausage.
The second fits a cucumber.
The third laughs, and slides down the barstool.
Three women are drinking at a bar.
As the night goes on, they begin talking about how loose their vaginas are.
The first woman boasts that her lover can fit his entire fist in.
The second woman says "That's nothing, my husband was able to fit both of his fists in!"
The third woman laughs, finishes her drink, and slides down the barstool.
A dinosaur, a spider, and a cowboy walk into a bar
All three sit at the bar and begin drinking heavily, clearly distressed. The bartender asks them what their troubles are.
The Cowboy takes a shot, then says "my horse got loose, ran into traffic, and got hit by a semi truck carrying gasoline. Cause a whole big e**... and blew my poor horse to bits." The spider nods sympathetically. "I just lost my husband in that same fire. The driver found him, freaked out, and crashed trying to squash my dear hubby."
The bartender is in shock, but finally asks the dinosaur his story.
The dinosaur sniffed, took a sip from his straw, and said "My whole family was on that truck"
Put to good use..
I have a friend who's a pilot for EasyJet.
But, because of this lockdown, he's off work,
So l asked him if he fancied doing a bit of decorating for me while he's at a loose end, and he jumped at the chance.
l must say, he made a lovely job of the landing.
I heard over the radio there was a maniac on the loose!
I got so scared I almost missed the pedestrians!
"Barkeep, why are there pills glued to the top of the bar seating?" "Oh, some people complained that our seats were too hard. Those are stool softeners."
"And, cushions would have r**... the loose vibes we work so hard to cultivate."
I was trying to milk a goat once...
One evening, I was going to milk a goat in the barn. As I started, the goat tried to kick me by her back leg. So I took a rope and tied her leg to one of the wooden poles in the barn.
I tried to continue, but she tried to kick me by the other back leg, so I took another rope and tied it to the other pole.
Then, as I was bending to start milking her again, my belt buckle cracked, the belt came loose and my pants fell down...
And my wife came to the barn...
There are some situations, you are just not able to explain.
Tables turned
We got a new dog. We named him Jesus, and he gets loose often. Occasionally I'll knock on my m**... neighbors door just to ask if _they've_ found Jesus.
How to loose belly fat
Little Johny walks to his mom and starts asking her about what he had seen the previous night while sneaking around the house.
Little Johny: Mommy, mommy why ware you jumping on daddy's stomach last night?
Mom: Johny you're old enough to know the truth... your dad is getting obese so I need to jump on top of him to help him loose the belly.
Little Johny: I don't think that's going to work mommy.
Mom: Why do you say that?
Little Johny: When you leave for work the neighbor comes in and blow him back up.
I was looking at myself in the mirror the other day while my wife was there
I said to her, 'my nose is getting bigger every day, so is my belly, I've got more wrinkles than a pug, I've got more hair coming out of my nose than I've got on my head, the skin on my neck is so loose I look like a turkey. I could really use a compliment.'
My wife said, 'your eyesight is absolutely perfect.'
Here is an actual sign posted in a golf club.
1. Back straight, knees bent.
2. Feet shoulder width apart.
3. Form a loose grip.
4. Keep your head down!
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please while others are preparing.
10. Don't take extra strokes.
Well done. Now, flush the u**... and go outside and tee off.
What's the difference between Captain Picard, a scared female pig, a loose thread, and the likelihood this joke is terrible?
One likes to make it so, one is an afraid sow, one is a frayed sew, and sorry, but I'm afraid so!
A guy walks into a bar, orders a drink, and begins to cry
The bar tender takes notice and asks "hey, what's wrong"
"I've been caught sleeping with my patients, I'm going to loose my license."
"You're crying because of that? My cousin sleeps with his patients all the time, you have nothing to fear."
"Oh yeah? Is your cousin a veterinarian?"
Ageism joke
A son asks his father: How do women age?
The father answers:" Women age just like onions, son. They bloat with each year, until they start to stink like a spoiled, rotten, onion."
The wife hears and tells the son:" That's nothing! Men age like Christmas trees. First they loose the leafs, then the b**... fall off."
