The Best 80 Loose Jokes

Following is our collection of funniest Loose jokes. There are some loose loosely jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these loose sloppy puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Funny Loose Jokes and Puns

I was sorting out my loose change when I dropped a 1p coin and saw it roll into a drain, which everyone around me thought was hilarious.

Laughing at my ex-pence.

What does a marriage and a hurricane have in common?

It begins with a lot of sucking and blowing and in the end you still loose your house

How does loose leaf watch TV?

Paper-view

Loose joke, How does loose leaf watch TV?

Guy goes to the doctor

A guy goes to the doctor. Asks, "Hey Doc, will I live to 100? I don't drink, don't smoke, don't eat fried foods, and don't run around with loose women."

Doctor replies: "So why would you want to live to 100?"

What do you call a slutty camera?

A loose Canon.


Joey the altar boy goes to confession and says...

‎'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

What did the tailor say after a job well done?

There is nothing left too loose.

Loose joke, What did the tailor say after a job well done?

How to catch an elephant

Dig a hole big enough for an elephant. Fill it with loose ash and cover it with frozen peas as bait. Then when he comes up to take a pea, you kick him in the ash-hole.

I prefer loose leaf paper over plain white paper...

...the plain white stuff is too unruly.

An older couple is sitting in church

when the wife passes a note over to her husband. It says

"I just let a silent but deadly fart loose. What should I do?"

The husband replies

"Get your hearing aid checked."

A guy calls up his wife's doctor...

and asks "Is there any way you can tighten things up down there, cuz she's getting a little loose?"

The doctor says "Have you ever thought of using the other hole?"

The guy says "Are you crazy? I could get her pregnant!"

You can explore loose sewn reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean loose stealthily dad jokes. There are also loose puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Confession

Matthew goes into a confessional box and says "Bless me father for I have sinned, I have been with a loose woman."

The Priest says "is that you Matthew?"

"Yes father, it is I."

"Who was the woman you were with?"

"I cannot tell you for I do not wish to sully her reputation."

The priest asks "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"No father."

"Was it Fiona MacDonald?"

"No father."

"Was it Ann Brown?"

"No father, I cannot tell you."

The priest says "I admire your perseverance but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys."

Matthew goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and asks "What did you get?" Matthew replies "I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys and three good leads."

Today just wasn't my day.

I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. Finally leave the house for work and the doorknob comes loose and just breaks off.

I'm afraid to go to the bathroom..

A kid goes to church to confess...

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads..."

A man orders a shot of ever spirit in the bar, downs them all and says to the barman "I probably shouldn't have had all of those with what I've got". "Why?", asks the concerned barman, "what have you got?"

"About two dollars and some loose change." Replies the man.

What do you call an unpredictable, out-of-control photographer?

A loose Canon.

Loose joke, What do you call an unpredictable, out-of-control photographer?

How did Bob loose his job at the sperm bank?

He was always drinking on the job

Three girls are sitting at a bar talking about how loose they are

The first girl says "I'm so loose my boyfriend can get three fingers inside of me". The second girl says "I'm so loose MY boyfriend can get his whole fist in me." The third girl just smiles and slowly slides down the bar stool.

On the news tonight they said a skull-fucker was on the loose...

everyone should keep an eye out for him.


They should call the "Emergency Brake" the "All-Hell Brake"

Because if it fails on a step hill, then "All-Hell brake's loose."

The difference between sexists and misogynists...

Sexist: I like my women like I like my jeans - loose in the crotch!

Mysogynist: I like my women like I like my jeans - acid washed!

How to explain to your parents that you are a prostitute

Hey mom, remember when I said I was tight for money? Now I'm loose for money.

Life is a lot like a game of golf...

Too many strokes and you loose.

The Priest and the Altar Boy

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.' The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" 'I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Was it Nina Capelli?' 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' 'Was it Cathy Piriano?' 'My lips are sealed Father.' 'Well then, was it Rosa DiAngelo?' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?' 'Four month's vacation and five excellent Leads.'

A joke I've picked up from working in Higher Education.

At a small university there is the director of the Sociology program, the director of the Religious Studies program, the director of the Anthropology program and the university president. All four of them are heading to a conference in the next town over. The directors all decide to carpool, and the president is driving his Porsche behind them. On the way to the conference the directors loose control of their vehicle and crash into oncoming traffic. It's a horrific accident. The university president manages to stop his car, gets out, witnesses the accident and exclaims...

"Oh the Humanities!"

Very offensive man on the loose with flint and steel

Sparks outrage

3 women in a bar are comparing how loose they are...

One claimed they could fit a sausage, another claimed they can fit a cucumber and the other slid down the bar stool.

You know who never looses their work when their computer shuts off abruptly?

Jesus. Jesus saves.

I Like My Vaginas Like My Two Favorite Clint Eastwood Movies

Dirty Harry and Every Which Way but Loose

Loose women

3 women are sitting at a bar conversing over lady stuff.

Eventually the first woman says, "I'm so loose I can fit an entire carrot up there.."

The second woman chimes in and says, "yes, well I'm so loose I can fit an entire baseball bat up there.."

The Third woman slides down the bar stool

Three women are sitting at a bar...

And they're bragging about how loose they are. The first one says:

"I could fit an entire zucchini up there!"

The second one says:

"Oh yeah? Well I could fit an entire pineapple up there!"

The third one doesn't say anything and she slides down the stool.

Why shouldn't you wear loose fitting shorts when visiting Ukraine?

Because Chernobyl fallout

What's more annoying than a monkey trying to steal your banana?

Working at a Tesco supermarket in Produce, putting out loose bananas on display, and while trying to do so, customers keep barging their way in to you and remove the lovely bananas you just put there and leave with a remark on the lines of, "Sorry, I'm just going to ruin your display, HA HA".

What would you do if you won the lottery?

Two friends meet together and one asks:

What would you do if you won the lottery?

-I would build a brothel!

Oh, and if it went wrong and you loose money?

-I'd open it to the public

3 women in a bar..

talking about how loose they are.
One fits a sausage
one fits a cocumber
and the other one slides down the bar stool.

I like my woman like I like my shoelaces.

Curvy, loose, and easy to finger.

BREAKING: A Tiny Fortune Teller Has Robbed a Bank And Is Now On The Loose!

The headline reads: Small Medium At Large!

Proper diaper fitting

If the baby's legs turn blue, it's too tight, if they turn brown, it's too loose.

Golf is like urinating in a public toilet

- Keep your back straight

- knees bent.

- Feet shoulder width apart.

- Form a loose Grip

- keep your head down

- avoid a quick backswing

- stay out of the water

- try not to hit anybody

- if you taking too long you should let others go ahead of you

- you shouldn't stand directly in front of others

- be quite when others are about to go

- keep strokes to a minimum

There is a 50/50 risk of loosing your hand during your life...

Either you loose it or you don't. The probability on the other hand... is unsure.

Three women are sitting at a bar talking about how loose they are...

One can fit in a sausage, one can fit in a cucumber and the third one just slides down onto the bar stool.

Britain is the best place for foodies.

You loose pounds everytime you eat

Noah and the Two Snakes.

Noah, after settling his ship down and letting loose the animals aboard his Ark unto the world, noticed a pair of snakes that were left behind.

"Well, what are you guys still doing here?" Asked Noah.

"Remember how you said 'go forth and multiply' ?" One of the snakes replied.

"Yes..." Noah responded, looking deeply confused.

"We can't, we're adders."

My grandfather told me this In German so it might already be posted somewhere here, oh and it's translated

Two guys are riding bicycles down the street.

One of the bikes fenders was loose and was making a loud noise.

So the first guy said to the second guy
"Hey your fender is too loud"

The second guy says "what?"

The first guy speaks louder
"your fender is too loud"

The second guy replies "what?"

The first guy yells
"YOUR FENDER IS TOO LOUD"

The second guy yells back
"I CANT HEAR YOU MY FENDER IS TOO LOUD!"

How are a Texas Tornado and a Tennessee Divorce the same?

Someone's going to loose a trailer

What's the difference between "loose" and "loser"?

One describes your mom and the other describes your dad.

Three girls sit at a bar bragging about how loose they are.

The first says she can fit a sausage. The second says a cucumber. The third starts to slide down the bar stool

How a blind skydiver knows he's going to land?

Guide dogs leash gets loose

Boy goes to confession and tells the priest he has been with a girl of loose morals.

"That's a grievous sin," the priest says. "Tell me: Was it Mary O'Hara?"

"No, Father."

"Was it Kate Dannaher?"

"No, Father."

"Was it Kathleen McGonigle?"

"No, Father. I don't want to say who it was."

Later, as the boy leaves the church, he sees a friend, who asks him, "How'd it go?"

He answers, "Well, I got ten Hail Marys, five Our Fathers... and three great leads."

A bus breaks down and the driver pops the hood to investigate

A blonde passenger who is a certified mechanic comes out with her toolbox, eager to help and show off her training and also give blondes a good reputation for a change. She leans behind the bus driver and sees a loose bolt, so, helpful, she asks: "Fancy a screw driver?"

A maniac is on the loose after stabbing 6 people with a knitting needle...

Early reports from the police suggest he is following some kind of pattern...

English is a tough language...

It's known for beating up other languages in dark alleys for little more than spare grammar and loose vocabulary.

There is a serial killer currently on the loose

He has been murdering people with knitting needles. Police think he is following some kind of pattern.

Have you watched the news lately?

They say theres a mexican train killer on the loose.

The authorities say he's got loco-motives.

I found $27 in loose change in my girlfriend's PT Cruiser, but she was visibly upset.

She said I cut the resale value in half.

Three bottoms are sitting at a bar.

The first says, I'm so loose my boyfriend can fit his whole hand inside me.

The second says that's nothing. My boyfriend can fit his whole arm inside me!

The third laughs, and the bar stool disappears.

Three bottoms sit in a bar...

The first says, "I'm so loose, my partner can put their fist in me."
The second laughs and says, "That's nothing. I'm so loose that my partner can put their arm in me."
The third laughs and the barstool disappears.

Three buttholes walk into a bar

They sit on bar-stools while their ladies enjoy a beer.

The first one says I'm so loose that I can hold in a fist easily

The second one giggles and says I'm so loose I can hold in two fists, no problem

The third one laughs.... and the bar-stool disappears

One of the guys I'm training just jokingly told me I heard your mom is loose .

I immediately responded ashes usually are after they're spread .

What's the difference between an open box of stinky cheese and a Kung Fu master?

One is loose brie and the other is Bruce Lee

What did the Fonz catch from sleeping with too many loose women?

Hepatitis Ayyyy!

Three gay men are at a bar.

The first one says, I'm so loose, my boyfriend can fit his fist inside me without effort! Second one says, Oh yeah? I'm so loose that my bf can fit his whole arm inside me without effort! Third guy laughs and the stool beneath him disappears.

Why did the Pet Store owner call the dentist ?

Because his canine's were loose

Where does an Italian keep their loose change?

In their penne jar

Three Prostitutes are in a bar, discussing how loose they are.

The first fits a sausage.

The second fits a cucumber.

The third laughs, and slides down the barstool.

Three women are drinking at a bar.

As the night goes on, they begin talking about how loose their vaginas are.

The first woman boasts that her lover can fit his entire fist in.

The second woman says "That's nothing, my husband was able to fit both of his fists in!"

The third woman laughs, finishes her drink, and slides down the barstool.

Why do you never see Old Suicide Bombers, after all they have less to loose?

Because A man who hasn't had a hard on in 10 years, has no use for 72 virgins.

A dinosaur, a spider, and a cowboy walk into a bar

All three sit at the bar and begin drinking heavily, clearly distressed. The bartender asks them what their troubles are.
The Cowboy takes a shot, then says "my horse got loose, ran into traffic, and got hit by a semi truck carrying gasoline. Cause a whole big explosion and blew my poor horse to bits." The spider nods sympathetically. "I just lost my husband in that same fire. The driver found him, freaked out, and crashed trying to squash my dear hubby."
The bartender is in shock, but finally asks the dinosaur his story.
The dinosaur sniffed, took a sip from his straw, and said "My whole family was on that truck"

I told my wife, "I feel bad for saying this but you are getting loose and it doesn't feel as good anymore"

She replied, "don't feel bad, it's not your fault!"

Put to good use..

I have a friend who's a pilot for EasyJet.
But, because of this lockdown, he's off work,
So l asked him if he fancied doing a bit of decorating for me while he's at a loose end, and he jumped at the chance.
l must say, he made a lovely job of the landing.

My mate is pilot..

My mate is a pilot for Virgin Atlantic but, because of the lockdown, he's off work so l asked him if he fancied doing a bit of decorating for me while he's at a loose end and he jumped at the chance.
l must say, he made a lovely job of the landing.

I heard over the radio there was a maniac on the loose!

I got so scared I almost missed the pedestrians!

I fell off my chair at the bar and pooped my pants

I guess I had a loose stool.

"Barkeep, why are there pills glued to the top of the bar seating?" "Oh, some people complained that our seats were too hard. Those are stool softeners."

"And, cushions would have rectal the loose vibes we work so hard to cultivate."

At his death bed, Achilles realized that they where going to loose the war and uttered his last words.

Defeet hurts.

Did you hear the news? Kevin Bacon has leprosy.

It's true. Doctors say he's got a foot loose.

I hired a hitman to clean up my sewing

He has been tying up all the loose ends.

Apparently, there's a necrophiliac on the loose.

Look alive, people!

I was trying to milk a goat once...

One evening, I was going to milk a goat in the barn. As I started, the goat tried to kick me by her back leg. So I took a rope and tied her leg to one of the wooden poles in the barn.

I tried to continue, but she tried to kick me by the other back leg, so I took another rope and tied it to the other pole.

Then, as I was bending to start milking her again, my belt buckle cracked, the belt came loose and my pants fell down...



And my wife came to the barn...



There are some situations, you are just not able to explain.

There's a necrophiliac on the loose

Look alive people

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the loose tighten jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working loose slack piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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