The Best 80 Longest Jokes

Following is our collection of funniest Longest jokes. There are some longest long jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these longest champion puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Funny Longest Jokes and Puns

Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I'm going for a jog, and then I don't.

It's my longest running joke of the year.

My marriage is over.

I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.

I do feel bad about it all. But then I realised; I can see Claire-Lee now Lorraine has gone.

Who will survive no nut november the longest?

The people with a severe nut allergy

Longest joke, Who will survive no nut november the longest?

What's the worlds longest sentence?

I do.

what's the longest word in a black man's dictionary?

sheeeeeeeeeeeeit..


It's my birthday, so here's a related joke.

Why are birthdays good for you?

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Statistics show: those who have the most, live the longest.

yesterday, Judge Thompson issued the longest sentence in the Supreme Court's history,

needless to say, it was run-on.

Longest joke, yesterday, Judge Thompson issued the longest sentence in the Supreme Court's history,

The Longest Memory in the World

One day, a young man takes a trip out West and comes across a little Native American village. He decides, what the heck, he'll stop and look around. One of the Native women, seeing that he's not from around, tells the man he should visit the Chief, who she says has the longest and best memory in the world. So the man decides to go visit the Chief and asks: "So I hear you have the greatest memory in the world." The Chief answers "I do. I can remember every single detail of my entire life." The man figures he should test this, and asks the Chief "What did you have for breakfast on April the 27th, 1959?" After stopping to think for a second, the chief answers "two eggs." Satisfied, the man says goodbye to the Chief and eventually leaves the village.
Twenty years later, the man takes another trip out West and comes across the same village. He's amazed when he notices the Chief, still alive after all these years. The man, stops and says hello, so he raises his hand and says, "How" and the Chief replies "fried."

What's the longest word in the world?

Smiles. Because there's a mile between each 'S'.

What is the longest sentence that a man can make?

I do.

What do you call a droid that always takes the longest route?

R2 Detour.

You can explore longest shortest reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean longest record dad jokes. There are also longest puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


The shortest sentence in the English language is "go." What is the longest?

Life without parole

For the longest time I hated tumors....

but they are beginning to grow on me.

I googled 'Gary Oldman' and left off the 'r'

It was the longest 3 hours of my life.

What is the longest word in the English language?

Smiles.

Because it's two S's with a mile in between.

(My 60 year old co-worker just told me that joke)

Two intoxicated hobos were walking on a railroad track.

After a while of struggling, one of them slurred, "This must be the longest staircase in the world." The other replied in a drunken lisp, "That's not so bad. But, what's killing me are these low handrails.

Longest joke, Two intoxicated hobos were walking on a railroad track.

I finally got the confidence to be a peeping tom

For the longest time, I was just beating around the bush

The longest relationship I've had is with my first vibrator.

We were together 7 years. Off and on.

New research shows that birthdays are good for your health

Studies suggest that people with the most birthdays live the longest


NEW study shows that Birthdays are good for your health

Statistics show that people who have more birthdays, live the longest!

I spent over an hour at my wife's grave yesterday...

whew, that was the longest I've ever lasted

Add a word to ruin a movie:

- Batman Begins College
- The Longest Yard Sale
- Charlottes Web Cam.

When I told my friend how my dad drowned in the longest river on earth, he didn't belive me.

He was in denial.

How to ruin a movie with one word...

**Batman Begins** College

**The Longest Yard** Sale

**Charlotte's Web** Cam

Add your own in the comments!

I feel bad for the homeless guy

"I feel bad for the homeless guy, but I feel really bad the homeless guy's dog, because he must be thinking 'Man, this is the longest walk ever"

-Norm Macdonald

What is the longest word in the English language?

SMILES because there is a mile between the first and last letters!

I once dated a Welsh girl with 36 DDs.

Longest surname I've ever seen.

A man is in an airplane from Miami to Paris

And a stunning gorgeous woman seats by his side. He's the eager to start a conversation.

"So, what are you doing in Paris?"

"I'm a scientist, I research sex"

The man is now tempted:

"What have you discovered about sex in your research?"

"I came to find that Native Americans have the longest penises and Spanish can last the longest in bed. By the way, I'm Carol, what's your name?"

"I'm Sitting Bull Hernandez, nice to meet you"

I've been friends with my recliner the longest.

We go way back.

Did you know that AC/DC made the longest song ever?

It lasted 12 albums

Remember the two friends who got the world record for longest staring contest?

Yeah? Well turns out they aren't seeing eye to eye anymore.

What's the world's longest Ted Talk?

How I Met Your Mother

Sex Statistics on a Plane.

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be
seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They
exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies,
"This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics.
It identifies that American Indians have the longest
average penises and Polish men have the biggest average
diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

What is the longest word in the Spanish language?

Goooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllllllllllllllll

For the longest time, I thought that you couldn't teach an old dog new tricks.

But he was never able play dead until just now! That rascal won't move no matter *what*

United Airlines should get into the rail transportation business...

...because they have the longest karma train that I've ever seen.

Aaron Hernandez set a new NFL record

Longest hang time by a player who doesn't punt

What was the prize for the body builder who went the longest time without working out?

aTrophy

How I Met Your Mother...

... is the longest and most popular Ted talk.

What's the longest word in the dictionary?

Smiles, there's a mile between the two s

What's the longest sentence you can think of?

Life.

The shortest sentence known to man is I Am

The longest one is I Do

Something tells me I'm in for a long day,

. . . like the longest day I've had in a year!

An attractive woman was reading The History of Penises on the bus the other day...

... I struck up a conversations opening with "That seems interesting"

She responds: "It really is! Did you know that Native Americans have the longest penises in the world? And Poles the girthiest!"

She extends her hand, I grab it and say... "Tonto Polanski, pleasure to meet you"

A man goes to a bar

He sits down at the closest empty spot with the longest face you can imagine. The bartender asks him what's up while giving him his beer. He says with the saddest voice: "me and my wife had a fight and she said she wouldn't talk to me for a month". Understanding his struggles the bartender says he must really love his wife and miss her. "No" he says, "today is the last day".

Win some beer...

So a guy came into a bar and saw these small stripes at the very end of the table. He asked the bartender what for they were used.
The bartender replied "the men that just left measured their d!cks, the one with the longest got a free beer."
The guy said he could do better, so he went to the side with the stripes, put his d!ck on the table and screamed "I won, free beer for me!"
On what the bartender replied: "They were playing from the other side of the table."

The longest relationship my sister's had is with her first vibrator.

That was four years, off and on.

How long is the longest river in Africa?

I don't know, but it goes on for niles!

What do you get for winning the "Staying in Bed the Longest" competition?

Atrophy

A man was diagnosed with cancer.

Man: "Wow, Doc, how bad is it?"

Doctor: "Well, you're at the extreme end of stage 4 pancreatic cancer. You've only got about 3 months to live."

Man: "Oh no! Is there anything I can do?"

Doctor: "Well, I'd suggest moving to Arkansas and becoming a pig farmer."

Man: "Really? That would cure my cancer?"

Doctor: "Oh no, of course not. But it will be the longest three months of your life."

At my granddaughter's wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest.

It turned out to be my husband and I. The DJ asked us, What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?

I said, The three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're probably right.

Everyone then looked at my husband and he said, She's probably right.

People kept insisting that I was swimming in the world's longest river .

I couldn't believe it. I was in de Nile.

What is the longest part of a woman's body?

Her legs. They go from the floor all the way to paradise.

Who was the longest sitting U.S. President?

Franklin Delano Roosevelt

I once met a guy who asked me aren't you that guy who brags about really weird, specific stuff?

I then replied No, I'm the guy with the longest garden hose in the county. 1

When they told me the longest race ever had taken nearly 5 hours, I chuckled.

I've been running from my responsibilities for 19 years now.

Who holds the record for longest time trapped in a cave with a soccer team?

It's a Thai

When was the longest day in the Bible?

The day Adam was created because there was no Eve.

I saw Mission Impossible: Fallout yesterday.

It's probably the longest iPhone commercial I'll ever watch.

A man who breaks the world record for longest survived coma is rewarded with

atrophy

A man had a terminal illness.

His doctor says he only had six months to live and there is only one treatment. The doctor tells him he had to marry a woman that yells at him constantly and move to Kansas.

Will it help? asks the man.

No, says the doctor, but it will be the longest six months of your life.

What is the world's longest lasting STD?

Children

What is one of the longest living species of beetle?

Paul McCartney

The longest US sitting president...

would have been Franklin D. Roosevelt.

It's official this government shutdown is now longest ever

I guess president Trump is really best at something

This is now the longest government shut down in US History. In lighter news, if seeing who will crack first on the border wall is prolonging it, then this shut down truly is...

a Mexican stand off.

There was a competition to find who could last the longest without masturbating.

I came first.

What is the longest game of Deal or No Deal?

Brexit.

A man goes to the doctor and finds out he only has three months to live...

He says, "but Doc...three months isn't enough TIME!"

The doctor pauses and thinks. Then he says, "Stay home every day, all day long with your wife and kids - no office, restaurtants, movies, or shopping...and only leave the house once a week for groceries...."



"Trust me, it will be the LONGEST three months of your life !"

A Mother found out her daughter is pregnant

A Mother found out her daughter is pregnant, she confronted her.





"How did this happen? I told you to take measures"





"I did took measures and went with the longest one."

During rainy days, I and my lazy dog are competing who sleeps the deepest and the longest.

I am the underdog in this fight.

I feel bad for the Homeless guy, but I really feel bad for the Homeless guys Dog..

He must be thinking, "This is the longest walk ever"

Why is today the longest day?

Because it's 24/7

My wife said she found my first gray hair, but I didn't believe her for the longest time. Then when I was brushing my teeth this morning I saw it in the mirror, on the left side of my mustache.

It was right under my nose this whole time.

The longest I've lasted in bed is one hour and two minutes

Thanks day light savings

What is the longest word in the English language?

"smiles"...

The first and last letters are a mile apart

What's the longest sentence in the English language?

"I do"

Pretty ironic they used to sacrifice virgins to call down rain

Considering they're known for having the longest dry spells.

Two slices of bread are competing to see who would stay fresh the longest.

It ended in a stalemate.

Ever since the pandemic started, every morning I proudly announce to my family that I'm going for a jog and then I don't...

It's my longest running joke of the year so far...

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the longest shorter jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working longest slowest piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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