Long Wait Jokes

121 long wait jokes and hilarious long wait puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about long wait that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Long Wait Short Jokes

Short long wait jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The long wait humour may include short waited jokes also.

I once asked my 97 year old grandfather what his secret was to such a long life. He said, "I'm just waiting until I can afford a burial service."
Today my wife gave birth to a baby boy. I have waited for this moment for so long.. Now I can finally post my jokes here. Thank you God.
I was waiting at the bus stop. A woman said, "How long will the next one be?"
I said, "Probably about thirty feet."
At a restaurant, I was getting impatient waiting on my food... I caught the waiter's attention as he rushed by. How long will my spaghetti be?
The waiter said: I don't know. We never measure it.
The sign said Employees must wash hands But I waited a long time and no employees showed up so eventually I washed my own hands.
To do list- (1). Go to pet store. (2). Buy bird seed. (3). Ask how long it will take for the birds to grow. (4). Wait for reaction.
Waiting in line to vote, somebody pulls up and asks " How long have you been waiting to vote?" Some guy in the back of the line yells "FOUR YEARS!"
Fastfood Clerk: Number 27! Double steak combo with extra fries!
Man: Right here!
Clerk: Here you go sir, sorry about your weight.
Man: Oh, it wasn't long at al- wait...
Clerk: >:D
After a hard and long night's wait, he finally broke down to his knees and began to cry "It's a boy! it's a boy!" ..he was too emotionally drained to leave the Thai brothel.
I saw the expiration date was six months past. Guess I waited too long to use the 250million year old Himalayan salt.

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Long Wait One Liners

Which long wait one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with long wait? I can suggest the ones about waiting in line and waiting room.

What's 200 feet long and eats potatoes? Communists waiting in line to buy meat.
How long does it take to for Mexicans to do a job? Oh, wait… they're done.
I gave up the concept of time a long time ago wait
Having to wait in line for Vietnamese soup... ...it's a long Pho Queue.
A long queue of people waiting to be hit in the face This is the punch line
What does a bodybuilder do while waiting in a long line? Weights
I was waiting for ages to play snooker the other night but gave up The cue was too long
What does Tom do when he is forced to listen to long boring music? Tom Waits
Sorry for the long wait at the ER. Thank you for your patients.
I've been waiting for the bus so long, someone just stapled a lost cat flyer to my chest.
"How long is your wait?" "I don't know, how heavy is your length?"
How long do you think it will take for Syria to be in ruins? Oh wait---
It already is
i waited ages in the alphabet store There was such a long Q
How long does kobe bryant wait to pick up the phone? 5 Rings
If I waited to long to e**... spaghetti, would I be.... Pro-pasta-nating?

Long Wait Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about long wait you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean breakfast wait jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make long wait pranks.

A young couple dies on their way to their wedding....

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.
St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer.... for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all?
What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?'
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.
Yes,' he informed the couple, 'You can get married in Heaven.'
'Great!' said the couple. 'But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.
'OH, COME ON!!!' St. Peter shouted. 'It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?

Two Jews die and wait outside the pearly gates.

While waiting they realise that they both survived the same concentration camp.
After some chatting, one says to the other: "remember that time when the guard pushed you onto the electric fence and you almost died?" A second of silence passes and suddenly they both start laughing hysterically.
Upon calming down the other Jew asks his new friend: "remember when that dog chased you for so long that you ended up exhausted and almost died of hunger?" Another second of silence passes and again, they both start laughing like crazy.
God, overhearing the conversation, approaches the old Jewish couple and asks them what's so funny about any of these events.
They both look up and say: "Oh you wouldn't understand, you just had to be there".

A preacher went into his church and he was praying to God.

While he was praying, he asked God, "How long is 10 million years to you?"
God replied, "One second."
The next day the preacher asked God, "God, how much is 10 million dollars to you?"
And God replied, "A penny."
Then finally the next day the preacher asked God, "God, can I have one of your pennies?"
And God replied, "Just wait a sec."

Science Joke

A physicist, biologist and a chemist were going to the ocean for the first time.
The physicist saw the violent ocean and was fascinated by the waves. He said he wanted to do some research on the fluid dynamics of the waves and walked out into the waves. He was pulled under and never returned.
The biologist said he wanted to do research on the flora and fauna inside the ocean and walked out to the ocean. He too, never returned.

The chemist waited for a long time and afterwards, wrote in his journal, "Physicist and Biologist both soluble."

Three ladies meet up for a drink

Three ladies meet up for a drink once a week.
The first lady says: "The other night, when my boyfriend got in from work, I surprised him. I was standing in the hallway, wearing these tall leather boots, a corset, long black silk gloves, and lots of makeup. I looked him in the eye and said 'Hello there, big boy.' He grabbed me, flung me to the floor and we made love right there and then and it was AMAZING."
Next week they meet up again.
The second lady says to the first one: "I took a tip from you. The other night my fiance came home from work, and I was standing in the bedroom wearing high heels, a tiny skirt, a see-through top and heavy makeup. I said 'Hello there. Big Boy.' and he flung me on the bed and it was unbelievable! He was like a wild animal!"
The third lady, married for ten years and seeing things get a bit stale in the bedroom, decides she needs a piece of the action.
She dresses up in thigh high leather boots, a tiny black skirt, a cleavage-tastic corset, long black gloves and she puts on the sluttiest makeup job in the history of s**... makeup jobs. She waits in the kitchen, thinking that when hubby gets home he may do something really sordid like make love to her right there on the kitchen table.
Sure enough, he comes home and walks into the kitchen.
She looks him in the eye and says: "Hello there. Big Boy."
He looks back at her and says: "Hey Batman, what's for dinner?"

Collection of my favorite Latvian Jokes.

* Man is hungry. He steal bread to feed family. Get home, find all family have gone Siberia! More bread for me, man think. But bread have worm.
* Man car break down near house of farmer. Take shelter in barn. Find farmer daughter in barn. Oh! Hot stuff! But TOO LATE! Is already r**... by soldier.
* Latvian walk into bar with mule. Bartender say, Why so long face? Latvian say, I was thinking of my daughter. She has been lie with soldier for potato feed baby.
* Three Latvian are brag about sons. My son is soldier. He have r**... as many women as want, say first Latvian. Zo? second say, My son is farmer. He have all potato he want! Third Latvian wait long time, then say, My son is die at birth. For him, struggle is over. Wow! You are win us, say others. But all are feel sad.
* Q : What are one potato say other potato? A : Premise ridiculous. Who have two potato?
* Q : How many Latvian is take screw in light bulb? A : 25. One screw in, 24 ride bicycle generator for 1-hour shift. But time probably better spend search food.
* Q: What is happening if you cross Latvian and potato? A: This is cruel joke. please, no more.

So a cop pulled me over one day for speeding...

he asked: "excuse me sir, but do you know how long i've been waiting for you?"
i said:" i know, i'm sorry but i tried to get here as fast as i could."

Lipstick Girls

A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.
Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm. They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them.
The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean.
The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.
That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.

It is Fred's first day in prison.

After spending the morning being processed, he is taken to the huge mess hall for lunch. He finds a seat at a table full of inmates who look like they have been behind bars for years. Suddenly, an inmate stands in the middle of the room and yells, "41!" As he sits down, the room erupts in laughter. Then another prisoner stands and yells, "123!" Again, there is laughter throughout the room.
Puzzled, Fred asks the inmate sitting next to him what's going on. "Well," the older inmate says, "Most of us have been here so long that we have heard all the jokes. So we just number them and use the number."
Fred says, "I love to tell jokes! Give me one."
"Okay," says the older inmate. "Everybody loves old 72. It always gets a big laugh"
Fred stands up, waits for the laughter to die down from the last joke, and yells, "72!" There is nothing but silence as hundreds of inmates just turn and stare at him.
Fred sits down and looks at the inmate who gave him the number.
"What happened?" he asks.
The older man shrugs and says, "Some people just can't tell a joke."

Mother's Day

Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen.
But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs.
"As a surprise for Mother's Day," one explained, "we decided to cook our own breakfast."

So Jesus, Moses and an old man go golfing

The first to play is Jesus. After his swing, the ball land in the lake. He runs towards it, walks on the water and grabs the ball. Then it's Moses' turn. Bad luck, the same thing happens to him. He walks to the lake, spreads the water into two parts and grabs the ball on the dry ground. Finally, it's time for the old man to play. His ball lands on the top of a tree. Instead of getting the ball, he just waits. After a few minutes, a squirrel hiding in the tree takes the ball and goes down. Then a wolf attacks the squirrel, kills it and eats it. He goes further and ends up vomitting the ball, which is then taken by an eagle. The eagle goes even further, but a hunter shoots it down. The ball falls down and lands exactly in the golf hole. It's hole-in-one and the old man wins. Moses looks at Jesus and says: "I hate playing with your dad."
Sorry if it's a bit long, but I really like that one. Also sorry for my writing, I'm not a native English speaker.

Hot girl at prom

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there's a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there's a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there's a large limo line at the rental office, but he's patient and gets the job done.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there's no punchline.

Back in the days of the USSR, two men stood in a block-long line for cucumbers...

Suddenly one of them snaps, and yells "This is an outrage! Waiting for hours for a couple of lousy cucumbers! I'm going to the Kremlin to assassinate the fools responsible for this!" and stomps off. A couple hours later, he's back.
One of the other people in line asks "Did you kill the guy in the Kremlin?"
The first guy responds "You think *this* line is long?"

The Bacon tree

Two Mexican brothers are lost in the desert.
They're hungry and thirsty, and have been walking for miles on end.
Suddenly, Jose yells at his brother. "Brother! Do you smell that? It smells like bacon!"
He rushes ahead, and sure enough, over the next dune, he sees it. A bacon tree. Glorious strips of crispy bacon, glistening in the sun, waiting to be eaten.
Jose runs head long at the tree, just as his brother climbs the dune behind him. Suddenly two machine guns pop out of the bacon tree and cut him down!
He turns to his brother, and with his last breath he yells out
"Brother! Is not a Bacon Tree!"
"Is..."
"Is a..."
"Is a Hambush..."

A carrot and a celery are walking down the street.

A car comes by and runs over the celery. The carrot picks him up and rushes him to the hospital. After waiting a long time the doctor comes out of the emergency room and the carrot jumps up and asks "Is he going to be okay?"
The doctor replies "Well... he's going to live, but he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life."

Foreplay

After the first week of s**... education class, a young shapely teen stormed out of the room after the class was over. Encountering a female friend in the hall, the friend asked, "Lori, what in the world is the matter with you? You look as if you're about to kill someone." "I am !!!" Lori fumed. "You just wait until I catch up with that Dennis. All summer long, that clown had me convinced that 'foreplay' involved tossing a coin for position."

A snail decides to buy a car...

There's this snail. All his life, all he's ever wanted was a little red corvette, convertible, with a b**... "S" painted on the hood. He saves and saves and finally buys his life-long dream. He pulls out of the dealership and his driving down the street, proud as can be. Two guys, waiting at a crosswalk, spot the snail in his new car, and one says to the other, "hey man, look at that S car go!!!"

Old Soviet joke

People are waiting in a long line like to buy v**.... Finally one alcoholic snaps and screams - 'I can't take it, I'll go kill Gorbachev!' And leaves the store. 10 minutes later he come back and says. 'The line to kill Gorbachev is even longer.'

A guy is taking his girlfriend to the prom

He waits in the ticket line for a really long time but he eventually gets them. He goes to rent a limo. The rental line is really long but he eventually does it. He goes to buy her flowers. The line at the florist is really long but he eventually gets the flowers. At prom, she asks him to get some punch. He goes to the refreshment table and there's no punchline.

Apple Watch now comes with a new app...

It estimates how long you will have to wait in line for the Apple Watch 2.0.

A young lady is in the hospital for an operation.

She says, "Doc, how long after my operation will I have to wait until I can have s**... again?"
He says, "You know, Miss Kandol, you're the first person who ever asked me that before a tonsillectomy"

An American, German and Russian go swimming

An American, German and Russian go swimming, the Russian gets ready to jump in but the American stops him and says
"Careful i put in a chlorine tablet not long ago, you might want to wait"
The Russian responds with "Ill be fine, a little chlorine never hurt anyone"
The German on the lawn chair starts laughing.

A long married couple sits in the kitchen.

The wife cooks something, while the husband sits at his table eagerly waiting for his meal. Suddenly the wife soils herself with tomato sauce and turns around to her loved one.
"Well, d**......Look at this, I look like a pig!"
To which the husband responds: "AND you soiled yourself..."
Sounds better in Viennese tongue...but, yeah...

A guy wants to take his girlfriend to prom

So he waits in line to buy tickets. It's a long line. He wants it to be a memorable night- he stands in line for hours to get a limo. On his way to pick her up, he stops to buy flowers. Theres a long line here too. When they get to the prom later that night, she suggests they get some punch. He goes to the refreshment table and there's no punch line.

An american walks into a swiss bank...

The bank is very full so it takes a long time for it to be his turn.
After an hour wait he finally gets to go up to the counter. The woman asks him how she could assist him.
He looks around, making sure he cant be heard and whispers into her ear "I would like to deposit $1 million into a bank account"
The woman looks a bit startled and says out loud "oh dont worry sir! You dont have to whisper, here in Switzerland its no shame to be poor."

A guy asks a girl to prom...

A guy asks a girl out to prom and she says yes. Excited, the guy goes to dress shop to get a tuxedo but there is a very long line. After buying the suit he goes to buy flowers for his partner. So he gets in another very long line in the flower shop. Finally after hours of waiting he goes to prom. After dancing for a while his partner asks him to get punch for her. When he gets there, their is no punch line.

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning....

The wife claims, "You should do it, because you get up first and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband says, "You are in charge of cooking around here so you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
The wife replied, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should make the coffee."
The husband replied, "I can't believe that; show me!"
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..........
"HEBREWS"

Michael Jackson is walking out from the operating room after his wife gave birth to their son.

Michael says "Hey Doc how long till we can have s**...?" The Doctor says "At least wait till he is walking Michael!!"

I was walking past Toys R Us today, when I noticed a really long line outside...

I asked a worker, "What's everyone here for?"
He said, "That's the Barbie queue."
Then, like an fool, I stood in it for forty five minutes waiting for a burger...

A Soviet man is waiting in line to purchase v**... from a liquor store...

...but due to restrictions imposed by Gorbachev, the line is very long. The man loses his composure and screams, "I can't take this waiting in line anymore, I HATE Gorbachev, I am going to the Kremlin right now, and I am going to kill him!"
After 40 minutes the man returns and elbows his way back to his place in line. One man asks him if he has succeeded in killing Gorbachev.
"No, he responds. That line was even longer."

Why did the Soviets wait so long to fight the n**... in World War 2?

Their leader was Stalin

There was this guy who took his girlfriend to prom...

He waited in a really long line to get some tickets.
After he finally got them, he goes to rent a limo, there is also a really long line, but he finally rents the limo.
Then at the prom he goes to get some punch. There is no punchline

Can we start a national walkout for old people who try to pay for things with the exact amount of coins?

I've been waiting for change for too long.

God, Can I have a dollar?

Man : God, How long is billion of years for you?
God : Mere a second.
Man : How much is billions of dollars for you?
God: Mere a dollar
Man: Can I have a dollar then?
God : Ok, wait a sec.

Two sailors were chatting

One says "We'll soon arrive at Port. I can't wait to make love to my lady, it's been so long."
The other one asks "Yeah, me too. Say, have you ever made love to your love in the other hole?"
"No, are you crazy? I don't wanna make her pregnant"

What's a cowlick?

Dad: Son, your hair dresser does such a good job even with your cowlick as crazy as it is
Son: What's a cowlick?
Dad: Whatever it wants.
Son: what?
Dad: ...
My dad made this joke when I was around 10 and I didn't understand it until I was around 16...and I asked him about it every once in a while and he pretended he had no idea what I was talking about...really played the long con there....I can't wait for my kids to ask me about a cowlick...

An Irishman visits the local church and enters the confessional.

The priest waits to hear his confession, but the man says nothing. After a few long minutes of silence the priest pounds on the partition. A voice from the other side shouts, "No use in knocking, ain't no paper on this side either!"

I was waiting in a long line to order food when I saw this beautiful girl.

I was very nervous till she laughed at the pick up line.

WHAT DO WE WANT? PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR!

WHEN DO WE WANT IT?

Well, we're sure you're really busy with all of your important things.
So, we'll just have to wait, until you feel that we've waited long enough, and maybe then, you'll be able to find some time for others.
It's fine.

Two young lady friends hadn't seen each other in a long time and decided to meet for lunch. Their conversation got around to their respective love lives.

Marcy confessed there really wasn't anyone in her life at the moment. Heather started smiling like crazy when talking about her new beau. "He's perfect. He's so sweet. Then last night he said those four little words I've been waiting to hear."
"What? He asked you to marry him?" Marcy asked.
Heather said, "No, he said 'put your money away.'"

A homeless guy sees a lady about to kill herself.

He walks up to her standing on the edge of a tall bridge and says, hey I know what you're about to do, and I won't pretend to understand or stop you, but before you do, can we please have s**...? It's been a really long time.
She replies, no you sicko!
So he says it's cool. I'll just go wait at the bottom.

When waiting in a long life of cars, the drivers say "ughhhh", but what do the cars say when it's over?

That was exhausting.

I didn't have s**... with my wife before we got married...

...what about you Dave, did you have to wait for a long time ?
\-" Not really, I didn't know your wife before the wedding anyway. "

Somebody says video games don't have any impact on your psyche. I can't agree with that.

My Ex-girlfriend played Tetris a lot in her childhood.

She's still waiting for a long stick.

Old German joke

An eight-year old boy had never spoken a word. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, The soup is cold."
His astonished mother exclaimed, Son, I've waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven't you spoken before?"
The boy looked at her and replied, Up until now, everything has been satisfactory."

A man is talking to God. "God, how long is a million years?"

God answers, "To me, it's about a minute."
Man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me, it's about a penny."
Man: "God, if that's the case, may I have a penny?"
God: "Sure. Just wait a minute."

Three Bulgarian are brag about sons.

My son is soldier. He have r**... as many women as want - say first
Bulgarian.
The second man says - My son is farmer. He have all potato he want!
Third Bulgarian wait long time, then say, - My son is die at birth. For
him, struggle is over.
Wow! You are win us - say others. But all are feel sad.

A fellow was walking along a country road when he came upon a farmer working in his field. The man called out to the farmer "How long will it take me to get to the next town?"

The farmer didn't answer. The guy waited a bit and then started walking again. After the man had gone about a hundred yards, the farmer yelled out "About 20 minutes.
Thank you. But why didn't you tell me that when I asked you?"
Didn't know how fast you could walk".

I was with my wife at mcdonalds drive thru and after 3 mins when they gave her our order she began complaining how agonizingly long the wait was.

Turns out reminding her that last night she told me 3 mins was way to quick was not a good response

Marriage

**Before Marriage**
Boy: Ah, finally, I've waited so long.
Girl: You want me to leave?
Boy: No. I dare to not even think about it.
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Of course. Lots!
Girl: Have you ever cheated on me?
Boy: No! Why are you asking me?
Girl: Will you kiss me?
Boy: Every time I get the chance!
Girl: Will you ever hit me?
Boy: Are you crazy? Of course not!
Girl: Can I trust you?
Boy: Yes.
Girl: Darling?
**After Marriage**
Read it Backwards.

I went to get my hair cut today but there were so many in front of me.

After an hour the manager started to hand out hot dogs and burgers as an apology for the long wait.
It was the Best Barber Queue ever!

A lawyer goes to heaven...

...and finds himself at the back of a long queue of Popes.
Suddenly, St. Peter grabs him and takes him straight through the pearly gates.
I don't understand" the lawyer said puzzled. There's hundreds of Popes waiting in line and you've let me in before them. Why?"
Sir, said St. Peter. We've had lots of Popes here. But, you are our FIRST lawyer.

Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you.

That's the punch line.

A guy asks a girl to go to a dance.

She agrees, and he decides to rent a suit. The rental has a long line, so he waits and waits, and finally he gets his suit.
He decides to buy flowers, so he goes to the flower shop. The flower shop has a long line, so he waits and waits, until he finally buys flowers.
He picks up the girl and they go to the dance. There is a long line into the dance, so they wait and wait.
Finally, they get into the dance, and the guy offers to get the girl a drink. She asks for punch, so he goes to the drink table, and there is no punch line.

The Mandalorian visited the Dr

The Mandalorian visited the Dr and they got into an argument because Mando wouldn't take his armor off when he got on the scale. He pointed to the scale and said, "this is the weight." The know it all doctor pointed to the armor and said, "no this is the weight." The nurse was called to show Mando the way to the room so he could cool off. Mando asked how long it would take, she said they were behind today and if could be a while, and before he got angry again she looked him dead in the mask, and pointedly said, "this is the wait! I have spoken."

Waiting and waiting and waiting...

A guy asks a girl to go to a dance. She agrees, and he decides to rent a suit. The rental has a long line, so he waits and waits, and finally he gets his suit.
He decides to buy flowers, so he goes to the flower shop. The flower shop has a long line, so he waits and waits, until he finally buys flowers.
He picks up the girl and they go to the dance. There is a long line into the dance, so they wait and wait.
Finally, they get into the dance, and the guy offers to get the girl a drink. She asks for punch, so he goes to the drink table, and there is no punch line.

A woman is talking on her phone while waiting in line at the bank.

After she gets off the call, the man behind her taps her on the shoulder and says, "I didn't want to interrupt your call, but next time you need to speak in English"
"Excuse me?" the woman replied.
"This is America," the man said, "We speak English in America. If you wanna speak Spanish, you can go back to Mexico."
"Sir, I was speaking Navajo, which was a language of this country long before you came here," the woman replied, "If you want to speak English, you can go back to England"

A lawyer dies and appears in front of the golden gates of heaven...

He finds himself at the back of a long queue of Popes.
Suddenly, St. Peter grabs him and takes him straight through the pearly gates.
I don't understand" the lawyer said puzzled. There's hundreds of Popes waiting in line and you've let me in before them. Why?"
Sir, said St. Peter. We've had lots of Popes here. But, you are our FIRST lawyer.

"Bill to ban shark fin harvesting", and "Bill to increase minimum wage" and "Bill to help ease the burden of Vets"...with all these good things happening, it makes me wonder...

...why did he wait so long?

It was going to be a long road trip. I popped on my headphones, pulled up a movie on my phone, and got lost in the action as the car headed down the highway.

The passengers probably wished that I'd waited until I wasn't driving to do that.

A guy asks a girl to the school dance

A hundred year old couple seeks a divorce.

A hundred year old couple enters a lawyers office. After inviting them to sit he asks what he can do for them. They tell him they are seeking to divorce. The lawyer is puzzled and asks how long they've been married for. 79 long years the woman replies. The man adds that they've been deeply unhappy and disinterested in each other for many decades.
The lawyer is a bit shocked and asks why after all this time have they chosen to get divorced.
The ancient couple exchange a glance and the man says well...we just thought we should wait till the children were dead.

A World War 2 joke

Stalin and h**... died and were recieved in h**... by Satan.
Satan asked them to wait in the guest cabin, because he had to search for the worst place in h**... for both of them (it had been a long time since some one so evil had come to his abode) .
While waiting, h**... got bored and asked Stalin to tell him a joke.
Stalin said one word, "Moscow."
h**..., after a long and hard thought, replied, "I don't get it."
Stalin laughs merrily and says, "Exactly."

A Man wonders, if he died before his wife...

A husband, seeing his wife prepare her will says, "If you died before me, I cannot imagine dating again. It would take me months or years to even begin to consider someone else. How long would you wait?"
She ponders the question and replies, "Well, honey, that depends on who shows up at the f**...!"

All you can drink for a dime (an old Flip Wilson joke)

A kid sets up a lemonade stand in front of his house, with a sign that says, All you can drink for a dime.
Before too long, a man happens by, sees the sign, and thinks it's a good deal. He gives the kid a dime and the kid hands him a cup.
The man tosses it back and says, Hey, that was pretty good. I'll have another.
The kid says, That'll be another dime.
Now wait a minute, says the man, your sign says 'all I can drink for a dime.'
But you just had a cup, didn't you? asked the kid.
Yeah.
Well, that's all you can drink for a dime.

A man is walking his pet carrot

As he's walking his pet carrot it gets hit by a car. After rushing to the ER the man paces the waiting room as the doctor comes out exhausted from surgery. Doctor, is my carrot alive are they ok? The doctors sighs. I have good news and bad news. The good news is your pet carrot is alive the man breathes a sigh of relief. What's the bad news doctor? The doctor looks him in the eyes and says Well I'm sorry but, your carrots gonna be a vegetable for the rest of its life.
I know it's dumb it was just of favorite of my grandfathers a long time ago and I thought I'd share it.

A couple aged 101 and 98 was about to get a divorce.

The judge sadly asks "Oh c'mon now, you've been married for 80 years, why did you decide to get a divorce?"
"I mean, sir..." said the woman "We actually wanted a divorce for a long time but did not want our children to get upset so waited for them to die"

Taxiing down the tarmac, the 767 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After a hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"

*"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."*

A man is in a hospital and waits for a nurse to come. After a long time, the nurse comes in and says Sorry I kept you waiting

He replies No worries. I'm patient

Last Minute

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

A teacher is teaching a class of kids about intelligence

She explains what intelligence is and then
Teacher: people opposite to intelligent are called s**.... Now how many of you think of yourselves as s**..., stand up.
She waits to see if someone would stand up but no one does. After a long while, finally a kid stands up.
Teacher: Do you think you are s**...?
Student: No
Teacher: Then why did you stand up?
Student: I felt bad since you're the only one standing.

Missing Wife

A man calls into the police station and says, "My wife is missing." The officer asks, "How long has she been gone?" "A month," the man replies. "Why did you wait so long to report it?"
"Well," says the man, "until yesterday I thought it was just a dream."