Long Term Jokes
67 long term jokes and hilarious long term puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about long term that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Long Term Short Jokes
Short long term jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The long term humour may include short longtime jokes also.
- As a guy who is 5'7 , I'm surprised guys my height think they're locked out of dating Most ladies' profiles say looking for long term, open to short
- My friends Scott and Ruth broke up after a long-term relationship. He's now ruthless and she got off, scott free.
- Piece of Dating Advice Do not date a car mechanic if you're looking for a long term partner. Typically, a mechanic just nuts and bolts.
- The NHS has just revealed a list of long-term side effects of vaccines! - Old age
- grey hair
- General decrease of diseases - Someone asked me about minerals that are long term contributors to lung cancer the other day, I just answered asbestos I could.
- My friends' girlfriend gets diagnosed with cancer.. He proposed to her on the spot. See ladies, it's not that men can't be spontaneous and romantic, we just don't like long term commitment
- My wife got mad at me for my long-term addiction to watching Bruce Willis movies. I told her old habits die hard
- Psychiatrist: "How long have you had short-term memory loss?" Patient: "As long as I can remember."
- If you're interviewing for a fast food job and they ask about your short and long term goals Short term : I want to work at McDonalds
Long term : I don't want to work at McDonalds - How do men show that they have long term plans for the future? They buy 2 packs of beer instead of 1.
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Long Term One Liners
Which long term one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with long term? I can suggest the ones about lifelong and chronic.
- Today I ended a long term relationship. I don't really care though, it wasn't mine.
- Why did Chris Brown stop having long-term relationships? He wanted 2 hit singles
- Why do pediatricians not like long term investments? They have little patients.
- There's a lot to be said for having a long term girlfriend And it's all said by her
- What does Leonardo DiCaprio call a 19 year old? A long term relationship.
- What is the leading cause of divorce in long term marriages? A stalemate.
- What do you call a necrophiliac's long term girlfriend? Stalemate.
- Me and my long term girlfriend just broke up... It turned out she is gay.
And made up. - China has now voted to do away with the 2 terms law I guess we'll be Xi-ing him for long.
- Why is the long term liability sad? Because it is aLOAN
- Long term health risks include death... DOESN'T THAT END YOUR TERM?!?!?!
- What happens when two bipolar l**... live together long-term? Their cycles line up.
Long Term Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about long term you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean long periods jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make long term pranks.
The tax advisor had just read the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter for the first time.
The little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach.
Suddenly she piped up, "Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as income or a long-term capital gain?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If it took a baby that long to exit the w**..., as it is taking the UK to exit the EU...
Baby's head would be so large that scientists would come to its house and do experiments on it. The head would be primarily bone, almost 99%, and weigh upwards of 85 pounds. It would be a 16 pound baby, carried by its mom to full term plus eight months, born at 17 months, with full head of hair, and a full head of teeth.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm always afraid my wife will leave me for a...
I'm always afraid my wife will leave me for a doctor because he'll treat her better.
I'm always afraid my wife will leave me for a banker because he's a better long term investment.
I'm always afraid my wife will leave me for a mechanic because he'll know how to service her undercarriage.
I'm always afraid my wife will leave me for a UPS deliveryman because he'll have a bigger package
I'm always afraid my wife will leave me for a s**... because he'll always want to take her out.
I'm always afraid my wife will leave me for a trucker because he's in for the long haul.
I'm always afraid my wife will leave me for a town water inspector since he'll treat her well.
I'm always afraid my wife will leave me for a midget because he under stands.
Computer gender joke
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is impossible to understand for everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval;
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group concluded that computers should be masculine ("el computador"), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem;
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer you could have gotten a better model.
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa..
'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A girl brings her fiance home to meet her father..
... and the father asks him, "so what are your plans in life." The suitor responds, "well, I'm interested in pursuing a degree in theology." The father then asks, "well, what do you plan to do for a living with only a theology degree?" The suitor, without a missed beat responds with "well, god will provide." The father then asks, "where will you two live?!" Again, the suitor responds with, "god will surely provide." Finally the father asks him, "have you made any long term plans at all?" He replies, "no, but as I've stated, I'm sure god will provide." The dinner eventually concludes, and both the daughter and the suitor leave her parents house. When a moment of quiet catches the mother, she softly asks her husband what he thought of the suitor. He pauses for a second, and replies -- "well, he's broke, and fairly s**..., but on the other hand he thinks I'm god."
COMPUTERS: SHE OR HE?
COMPUTERS: SHE OR HE?
Why computers seem female:
-- No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
-- The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
-- The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
-- Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
-- As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories.
Why computers seem male:
-- They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
-- They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time, they are the problem.
-- As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
-- In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
-- Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.
Awful food
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in New York..
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us
sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,
"Wedding Cake."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy asked a friend how he can get over his social anxiety.
His friend said to try *alcohol* but he said that he wanted a long term change. To this, his friend said **alcoholism**.
Bad foods to eat
A doctor tells a group of patients, "The material we put into our stomachs is terrible. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High-fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" An old man raises his hand and says, "Wedding cake."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman goes with her husband to the doctor for his exam.
After the exam, the doctor pulls the wife aside and says: "Your husband is suffering from severe long term stress, and he is a good candidate for a heart attack or s**.... If you don't do the following three things he will surely die.
First, every morning fix him a healthy breakfast.
Second, when he gets home make him a warm, nutritious dinner and don't burden him with house hold chores.
Third, have s**... with him several times a week."
On the way home, the husband asks the wife " I saw the doctor talking to you and he looked serious. What did he say?"
Wife: " He says you're gonna die."
Study shows no long-term cognitive benefit to breastfeeding.
Well clearly they didn't study enough.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I think I finally understand these dating apps
They all include they want something serious and long-term, so I went on a date last week, and gave her h**....
Interviewer: What have you planned for the future?
Me: Lunch
Interviewer: Anything, like, long term, something you've put your thought into?
Me: Oh, Mexican for dinner.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
This term for a long-handled gardening tool
...can also mean an immortal pleasure seeker. What is it?
A h**...?
No! It's a rake.
One of North Korea's long term goals has been to eradicate poverty.
It sounds way better than eradicating the impoverished.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Where did the vegetarian cannibal get caught eating his last victim?
The long term care ward
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
People say maintaining a long term relationship with a girl is the same as having a full time job. I for one think there complete opposites.
After 10 years, my job still s**....
I told my doctor that I was unable to do all the things around the house that I used to do.
The doctor started a long and thorough examination, but found nothing wrong with me. When the examination was completed, I said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me" "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just very lazy." "Okay," I said , "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My long term girlfriend and I like to play a s**... game to spice things up and keep it interesting...
She pretends to be a nurse, and I pretend that I'm still attracted to her.
What is the single best long-term investment?
Getting married to a CEO & divorcing him once he's wealthy.
Bad Diet
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Miami, Florida.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and we all have, or will, eat it. Would anyone care to guess what food causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a small 75-year-old man in the front row, raised his hand and said, "Wedding Cake?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Brain Dead
A man got into a car accident and was rushed to hospital. At the hospital, the man's doctor declares him to be brain-dead. Soon, the man's wife shows up at the hospital. The doctor gives the wife the bad news.
"What now?! What are my options?" Sobs the wife.
The doctor replies, "Well, unfortunately, you have two options. You can ship him off to a long-term care centre and hope for the best. Or, alternatively, you can sign this form to unplug him and donate his organs. In my opinion, I believe that o**... donation is the no-brainer option."
as my long term memory has improved, my short term memory has gotten worse.
as my long term memory has improved, my short term memory has gotten worse.
Spraying Cillit Bang directly into the lungs is fatal
In the short term. But there's been no research whatsoever into the long term effects.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Next time you think a c**... isn't necessary,
Remember that a small deposit turns into a long term investment, and sometimes a liability for life.
I said I want to keep long-term relationship with my partner
so the judge sentenced me to life without parole
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Women see s**... like buying a car
Can I see myself in this long term?
Is it safe?
Is it reliable?
Can it kill me?
Guys look at s**... like parking a car.
There's a spot.
There's another spot.
Oh I have to pay? Never-mind.
Handicapped? Hope no-one sees this!
My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!
Man, that sentence was way too long.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Got rejected by long term girlfriend,after I took her to dinner at a fancy restaurant,mustered up the courage,got down on my knee and finally proposed
A t**... with my wife.
Long term pain
During a congress about health care, the speaker asks:
"which food causes extreme suffering, even after years of being eaten?"
After a long silence an elderly raises his hand and replies "A WEDDING CAKE"
A Doctor was addressing a large audience.
The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake.
It's been a long-term dream to convert a lighthouse
But the project has been on and off for years.