Long Legs Jokes
90 long legs jokes and hilarious long legs puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about long legs that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Long Legs Short Jokes
Short long legs jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The long legs humour may include short long arms jokes also.
- I would trade my legs for 5 million dollars But I don't think it would be worth it in the long run
- Why did the man name his no legged dog "Cigarettes?" Because he liked to take him out for long drags.
- After a year long struggle, my diabetic uncle just had both legs amputated below the ankle.... I guess you could say he was de-feeted.
- I like my breaks at work like I like a woman's legs Long and with something to eat in-between.
- Studies show that a fear of spiders means that you're more likely to find them in your bed... ... Then I should mention that I have a fear of beautiful women with long legs
- Do you know why a snake is long and legless? Because if it were short and had legs it'd be a salamander.
- I was on a date last night, as I sat at my table, forking my food awaiting my date to arrive, I realized they had stood me up, and I had to foot the bill. Long story short...... Don't ever date a leg
- The leg piece and breast piece got into an argument at a kfc The breast piece said let's fight it out to see which one is better.
The leg piece said,
Nah man, its been a long day and I'm battered. - I hate tattoos For instance, if you get a tattoo of a Tarantula, 60 years later it'll look like Daddy Long Legs.
- Why does giraffes have such long legs? Because otherwise they wouldn't be able to reach the ground.
Share These Long Legs Jokes With Friends
Long Legs One Liners
Which long legs one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with long legs? I can suggest the ones about large feet and hind legs.
- Why'd it take so long for the two legged cat to cross the road? It had two paws
- What's long, straight, and found between a pair of legs? The hypotenuse.
- Why do legs have to be at least 25 inches long? They're over two feet
- Did you hear the story about the cow that appears to have 5 legs? It's a long tail.
- Why do centipedes live so long? It takes them awhile to reach their last legs.
- What do you call a spider with 9 legs? Hung daddy long legs.
- I saw a long thing with lots of legs doing meditation in my garden.
- I did 300 leg extensions at the gym the other day... My leg was pretty long afterwards.
- What happens to a zombie when it's been sitting down for too long? It gets a dead leg
- Why are daddy long legs so skinny? Because mummy long legs ran away.
- What do you call an african with long legs? Knee grow
- I always get offended by daddy long legs. My dad is only four foot 2...
- What's long, and generally on a black male? A leg.
- What do you call a big Irish spider? p**... long legs
- It's been so long since I've gotten laid My s**...'s starting to grow legs.
Long Legs Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about long legs you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean strong leg jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make long legs pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little Johnny walks in on his mother in the bathtub.
He asks his mother what is the big fuzzy patch below her bellybutton.
She replies, "A bush."
The next day Little Johnny walks in on his father while he's in the shower.
He asks, "What is that big long thing hanging between your legs?"
His father replies, "It is a snake."
A few days later, Little Johnny walks in on his mother, once again in the bathtub. He asks, "What are those two baggy things hanging above your bellybutton?" She replies, "Headlights."
A couple weeks go by and the little boy walks in on his parents having s**....
He yells, "Mom, turn on your headlights! The snake is crawling into your bush!"
So..the wife and I were in town shopping....
..and as we came out of a store, three girls aged between 18 and 20 walked by, wearing tiny cropped tops and short short skirts. One of them, a tall blonde, had really fantastic, long, toned and tanned legs.
I gently nudged my wife and said "I bet you wish you still had legs like that!".
She got really upset with me..in fact I could still hear her sobbing as I wheeled her up the ramp into the next store.
A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This catches the blonde's attention, and- to keep him quiet- she agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.
After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Nagging Wife
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for his death row client.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over n**..., drying his legs and feet and said "They're not hanging Wright tonight!"
He whirled around and screamed,
'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
n**... Wife's New p**...
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless p**... in an attempt to spice up her dead s**... life. She puts them on, along with a short skirt and sets on the sofa opposite her husband. At certain moments during the game, she would uncross her legs, just long enough for her husband to see. Finally after a number of times he asks "Are you wearing crotchless p**...?" "Yesss." she says smiling seductively "Thank God." he says "I thought you were sitting on the cat."
An ant, a spider, and a centipede are holding a party.
The ant realizes that they are running low on beer. He offers to head out to buy some more beers. The centipede says, "No, let me do it. You'd take too long. I have a lot more legs than you - I can do it faster!" The bugs agree.
10 minutes pass... Then 20 minutes, then 30, then more. The spider asks, "What's taking him so long?" The ant decides to head out to investigate. He opens the front door and sees the centipede outside.
The ant asks, "Hey man, what's taking you so long?"
The centipede replies, "I'm still putting on my shoes."
Blonde on a plane.
(First submission, Hope people like it)
A very attractive blonde boards a plane for a long flight and settles in. As she is leaning against the window trying to get some rest a business man takes the seat next to her. "Hi I'm Frank" he says. "Oh hi" says the blonde before she tries to settle back in. "Wait a second now" says the guy "this is a long flight why don't we play a game. Tell you what, I will ask you a question, if you don't know the answer you have to give me $5. Then you can ask me a question and if I don't know the answer you get $500." "Ok fine" says the Blonde. "Alright! What is the Capital of Malta?" Admittedly the Blonde didn't know she she hands the guy $5. "See!" he says "It's a fun game! now you ask me one." "Alright... What goes up a hill on three legs, and comes down the hill on five?" Now the business guy is genuinely stumped. He pulls out his laptop and goes to work. As he does the blonde goes back to sleep. About an hour later the guy taps her on the shoulder "Alright... I have been every where on the internet, I tried everything and I can't figure it out. Here." and he gives the Blonde $500 "Thanks" she says and rolls back over to go to sleep "Wait! You can't just go to sleep! I want to know! What goes up a hill on three legs on down the hill on five?!" The blonde just smiled at him and handed him $5.
That's nothing
A father, mother and a small kid go to see a circus. There, among many animals the kid sees the elephant and its long thing hanging between his legs. The kid asks dad "What's that". Ashamed to answer, father says "Ask mother".
The kid asks mom, and she too is ashamed and says, "Oh, that's nothing". The kid goes back to father, and father asks, "What did mom say". Kid says she told "That's nothing".
Father replies sighing, "Yeah for your mother even that's nothing".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three men enter a hunting contest...
The rules of the contest are simple: A contestant must enter the woods, shoot an animal, return to the judges, and tell them how he shot it.
So the first man goes into the woods, and about an hour later he returns with a freshly shot b**....
The judges ask, "So how'd you shoot it?"
The hunter replies, "I followed the tracks... I followed the tracks... and BAM! I shot the b**....
Then the second man goes into the woods, and about 3 hours later he returns with a freshly shot deer.
The judges ask, "So how'd you shoot it?"
The hunter replies, "I followed the tracks... I followed the tracks... and BAM! I shot the deer.
Then the third man walks into the woods. The judges wait, and wait, and wait for almost a day. Eventually, the man is gone so long that they send out a search party for him. After hours of searching, they find the hunter. He is crawling along the ground, covered with blood and bruises, and both of his legs are missing. He groans with agony, and it's clear that he doesn't have much time left.
They scream, "Oh my god, what happened to you?"
With his last painful breaths, the hunter pulls a judge close and whispers into his ear, ""I followed the tracks... I followed the tracks... and BAM! I got hit by a train."
The Argument
A woman has had a huge argument with her husband and is on the phone having a long chat with her friend when she sees her husband returning home with a huge bouquet of flowers.
"Oh no," says the woman. "My husband's home and he's brought a huge bunch of flowers for me."
Her friend is a little surprised. "But that's so sweet of him!"
"Ugh," says the woman. "It means I have to spend all night on my back with my legs in the air."
The friend pauses for a moment. "Don't you have a vase?"
A Guy/Gal walks into a bar with an Ostrich/Race-horse
A good-looking young man (or woman) and an ostrich (or racehorse) walk into a bar. The two sit down, order some nachos and wind up drinking a few beers by the end of the night. When it comes time to pay the tab, the (wo)man reaches into his/her pocket and dumps a slightly-crumpled mess of bills and change onto the bar.
"That should cover it." (s)he says. As the (wo)man walks away, the bartender counts it out and to her surprise, it's the exact total of the bill. Looking back up, she sees that the (wo)man has returned. (S)He once again reaches into his/her pocket and pulls out exactly 20% of the bill before tax.
"There ya go, sorry about that." (s)he says.
The bartender asks, "Mind if I ask you about the exact change and the ostrich(horse)?
"You see," (s)he says, "A long time ago, I was an archaeologist. While in arabia, I discovered a magical lamp with a genie inside who granted me 3 wishes. The first, obviously, was for eternal youth and fitness. Second, unlimited wealth- any time I buy something, I just reach into my pocket and pull out the exact amount of money. The third, well, the third wish was for a tall, youthful, long-legged(well-endowed) chick(stud) who would always stick by my side and share my interests."
An old favorite for this festive day
A woman wakes up in a hospital bed to find that she's been in a coma after a car accident. She sees a doctor next to her and quickly asks him, Where is my son? He was really good at soccer, and had a long career ahead of him."
The doctor replies, I'm so sorry, in the accident he lost his leg. He won't be able to kick a soccer ball any more.
The woman asks about her daughter. Doctor, where is my daughter? She was really good at tennis and she could have been the best in the world and won at the US Open.
The doctor says, Sorry but in the accident she lost her arm and she won't be able to pick up a racket any more.
She begins to cry.
Doctor, asks the woman, how long have I been in this coma?
The doctor replies, Six months.
So what's the date? asks the woman.
April 1st, says the doctor.
The woman begins to laugh So you were joking then, were you?
Doctor: YES… they both died on impact.
Adam was feeling lonely...
so God created all of the animals to be his companions.
"God," Adam said, "These animals are great and all, but none of them seem like truly great companions for me."
"Well, Adam, I think I know exactly what you need. Tonight, I will create a Woman for you."
"A Woman? What's that?"
"Well, I'm sure she'll be the perfect companion for you. Women are extremely kind, moreso than the most loving animals. They are beautiful, even more than the most colorful birds."
At this point, Adam was convinced. "Well, what's stopping you? This woman sounds great!"
"Well," said God, "There's a bit of a cost issue. To make a woman, I'll need some of your body."
"Oh. Well, I guess it's to be expected no great thing is free...what'll it cost me?"
"An arm and a leg."
Adam thought long and hard about this, and eventually replied, "That's rather expensive. What can I get for a rib?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman is sick and tired of having bad relationships...
She's had the worst of the worst. Men who would run out on her, beat her, and men who were downright terrible on bed. In an attempt to better future relationships she decided to give online dating a try.
She filled out her profile and specified she was looking for a good hearted man who would never leave or a**... her who was also an efficient lover. It wasn't long after she had posted her profile that she was getting replies. She met with a few of them, but none of them felt like they truly met her requirements.
She was about to give up hope when she had a knock at her door. She opened it to find a man with no arms, and no legs there waiting.
"i'm here about your dating ad," he said.
The woman, who could barely believe what was in front of her replied, "you've got to be kidding me!"
Before she could slam the door the man interjected, "before you turn me away, hear me out. I've got no legs so I couldn't possibly run out on you and I've got no arms so I couldn't possibly hit you."
Still not convinced the woman asked, "oh? And how are you in bed with no arms or legs?"
"honey, how do you think I knocked in the door?"
Baked Beans.
One day I met a sweet woman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told her that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my wife seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured her I had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"
Poor Boudreaux . . .
Boudreaux was feeling guilty, so he went to confession.
"Father, I kinda took a little lumber from that new construction site."
Priest: "What did you do with the lumber, my son?
Boudreaux: "Well, Father, my porch, she's had a hole for a long time. I'm afraid that someone will break their leg, so I fix the hole."
Priest: "Well, that's not so bad."
Boudreaux: "Well, Father, I had a little lumber left."
Priest: "What did you do with it?
Boudreaux: "Well, my poor dog Phideaux, he ain't never had no place to get outta the weather, so I make him his own little doghouse."
Priest: "OK, anything else?"
Boudreaux: "Well, Father, I had a little lumber left. So you know, my truck, she ain't never had no place to get outta de weather either, so I make her a two-car garage."
Priest: "Now, this is getting a little out of hand."
Boudreaux: "Well, Father, I still had a little lumber left."
Priest: "Yes?"
Boudreaux: "Well, my wife, she always want a bigger house. So I add two bedrooms and a new bathroom."
Priest: "OK! That's definitely too much. For your penance, you are going to have to make a Novena. You do know how to make a Novena, don't you?"
Boudreaux: "No, Father ... but if you got the plans, I got the lumber."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A lady on the beach
There was a lady lying on the beach one day who had no arms and legs. Whenever a handsome fellow would walk by her though she would start crying, and eventually one stopped and asked her "what is wrong?"
She replied with "Since I have no limbs, nobody has ever hugged me before."
The man feeling bad picks her up and gives her a long and very satisfying hug. As he sets her down and starts to leave, she starts crying again. So he asks her again "Lady, what is wrong?"
She replied with "Since I have no limbs nobody has ever kissed me before."
The man then kisses her very romantically and loving. Though as soon as he gets up and leaves she starts to cry again, and he asks her "Lady, what is wrong now?"
She replies "I have never been s**... before."
So the man picks her up and carries her into the ocean and tosses her as far as he can. Then he says "Well, you are now."
A woman wakes up in a hospital bed to find that she's been in a coma after a car accident.
She sees a doctor next to her and quickly asks, "Where's my son? He's really good at soccer and has a long career ahead of him."
The doctor replies, "I'm so sorry- in the accident he lost his leg. He will not be able to kick a soccer ball any more."
Getting anxious, the woman asks about her daughter. "Doctor, where is my daughter? She's a tennis prodigy, and will likely win the US Open one day!"
The doctor says, "Sorry, but in the accident she lost her arm and will not be able to pick up a racket ever again."
The woman begins to cry.
"Doctor, how long have I been in this coma?"
"About a month," he replies.
"So what's the date?" asks the woman.
"April 1st," the doctor says, grinning.
The woman begins to laugh. "Ha, so you were joking all along, weren't you?"
Chuckling, the doctor says, "Yep! They both died on impact!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I found my daughters diary and read it.
So I've been trying to get my daughter to clean up her room for a long while now, all to no avail. So yesterday when she went out, I decided that I would do it.
For the most part it was just typical teenage mess, clothes everywhere, the occasional food wrapper. However when i was cleaning out her closet, I found her diary. My initial reaction was just to put it back as i didn't want to invade her privacy, so I finished cleaning and left her room. But later that evening, my curiosity got the better of me and I got the diary, took it to my room and read it.
I was horrified to discover that she has a new boyfriend, and that they've been having s**.... She described in graphic detail all the k**... stuff they'd been doing and how she had performed o**... s**... on him. And then, just at the point I thought that the debauchery could not get any worse, you'll never guess what I came across next. Page 64, the bed sheets and my own leg a little bit.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Elephant Anatomy
A family take a trip to the zoo and, whist stood by the elephant enclosure, the young son walks over to his father.
"Dad" starts the boy. "What is that long bit hanging down from the elephant?"
"Why that's his trunk." replies the father.
"No, I mean between his legs!" continues the son.
"Go and ask your mother." says the dad.
"I already asked her." says the young lad.
"And what did she tell you?" asks the father.
"She said it was nothing" replies the son.
"That's the problem with your mother." says the father "She's been spoiled."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Chinese and the dog
A Chinese man, coming home from a long day of work, is walking on the sidewalk. All of a sudden, a stray dog jumps out of the bushes and barks at the man. The Chinese man, appreciating a good laugh, barks back at the dog for fun. The dog stops barking and stands up on his hind legs. The dog , deeply offended, says, "That's very rude. How would you like it if I said Ching Chang Chong?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
On long plane trip, a woman is sitting next to a lawyer. She wants to sleep, but the lawyer does not stop talking...
*"Let's play a game"* - he suggests.
The woman ignores him.
*"To make it interesting"* - he continues - *"if I answer incorrectly to your question, I'll pay you $50. If you answer incorrectly to my question, you pay me $5."*
The woman agrees, and the lawyer asks the first question.
*"What is the distance between Earth and the Moon?"*
The woman hands him $5. Now it's her turn.
*"What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"*
The lawyer is astonished. He frantically surfs the Internet, searches his pocket encyclopedia and asks his scientist friends. He finds nothing. Hours later, when finally giving up looking for the answer, he wakes the woman, hands her $50 and asks:
*"So, what is the answer?"*
Without saying a word, she hands him $5 and goes back to sleep.
**
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Free shoes
A very beautiful brunette with long hair, long legs and a petite figure decided to go shopping for shoes. Her friends warned her that the old, lonely man who worked at the shoe-store would try to look up her skirt to see her p**....
She really wanted a pair of shoes but was dismayed that the shoe salesman would try to look at her p**.... She thought for a while, and then went shoe shopping.
She found the perfect pair of shoes, and the shoe salesman gave them to her for free, saying it was the least he could do.
Her friends were all jealous that she got the shoes for free. They asked her, did he try to look up your skirt to see your p**...? She said yes, but I outsmarted him. When her friends asked how she had outsmarted him she said, I didn't wear any p**..., so he couldn't see them even if he wanted to.
Two guys meet at the store.
Two guys, one old, one young,
are pushing their carts around the grocery store
when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy,
"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,
and I guess I wasn't paying attention
to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too...
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well,
maybe I can help you find her...
what does she look like?"
The young guy says,
"Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall,
with red hair,
blue eyes, is buxom wearing no bra,
long legs,
and is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the old guy says, "Doesn't matter,
--- let's look for yours."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old married couple...
An old married couple were married for a really long time. The only friction in their marriage was that the man passed gas every night in bed. The wife often told her husband that one day he would "f**... his guts out" however the man would always dismiss these claims as false. One day after having chicken for dinner the wife decided to pull a prank on her husband, after he went to bed she took the intestines of the chicken they had and placed it between his legs, proving once and for all that he had f**... his guts out. After doing so she went to bed, anxious to see his reaction in the morning. When she woke up she found that her husband had already gotten up. She went to the kitchen and asked him how he slept. "Oh I slept wonderfully", he replied. "Except that your prediction finally came true, I finally f**... my guts out." Acting startled she asked him if he wanted to go to the hospital. "No I'm fine, after a couple of tries I managed to push them all back up in again".
Something flew into my bathroom and exploded yesterday.
Turns out it was Jihadi Long Legs!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A blond and a brunette are sitting on a porch...
The brunette looks out and sees her husband approaching with flowers. The brunette says: "Oh look, flowers, looks like I'll be having my legs spread open all weekend long..." The blonde replies: "Why? Don't you have a vase?"
Missing wives.
Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around- WalMart when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.
The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too... I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her... what does she look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?'
To which the old guy says, Doesn't matter, let's look for yours."
Two Guys Both Lose Their Wives In A Grocery Store
Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around the grocery store when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that.
I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's okay, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"
"Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing a tank top with short white shorts.
What does your wife look like?"
The old guy replies, "It doesn't matter, let's look for yours."
Looking for a wife
Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around the grocery store when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's okay, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"
"Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing a tank top with short white shorts. What does your wife look like?"
The old guy replies, "It doesn't matter, let's look for yours."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why are black people fast runners?
They have 3 long strong legs.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Pirate's Life
A pirate goes into a bar and sits down.
The bartender says:
"Wow, you look like you've had a long life. Tell me about it. How did you get your wooden leg?"
" Arrr.... me ship capsized and a shark bit me leg off. Then while loading a canon it blew me hand clean off".
"What about the eye-patch?".
"I happened to look up when a gull flying overhead crapped on me eye".
"Well, that doesn't qualify an eye patch, now does it?"
"Arrrgh, it was the first day I got me hook".
A man driving down a county road one day
Sees a 3 legged chicken running next to him.
He thinks to himself "I'm doing 25 mph and this chicken is keeping up!, crazy!!"
He speeds up to 50 mph and still the chicken is keeping up with him.
Up to 60 mph! The chicken is keeping up!
The chicken breaks into a sprint, gets way
ahead of him but he sees him take a hard left turn into a long drive way.
Dude turns into the country drive and an old woman is standing outside...
"I just saw a 3 legged chicken running 60mph!, he turned and came in here."
"Oh yeah, that's one of ours?!...we breed em that way, we love chicken legs"
"How do they taste?"
"I don't know, we ain't never caught one!"
The story of Mr. Bean vs. Einstein
Einstein: I will give you a question, and you will give a question to me as well. If you can't answer my question, you will give me $1, and if I can't answer your question, I will give you $1000.
Mr. Bean: OK
Einstein: (gives Mr. Bean a hard question)
Mr. Bean: (gives Einstein a dollar)
Einstein: Okay, your turn.
Mr. Bean: What is the animal that has 4 legs, and when he crosses a street has only 2 legs, and when he goes back, he has 5 legs.
Einstein: (thinking very long) I give up. I can't answer that. (Einstein gives Mr. Bean $1000)
Einstein: But what animal is that, Mr. Bean?
Mr. Bean: (gives $1 to Einstein)
A younger woman receives a dozen red roses. . .
A much older woman and a much younger woman are sitting on the front porch when all of a sudden the younger woman looked up and saw her husband coming towards her with a dozen red roses. Disgusted, she said to her friend, "Well it looks like I'll be up all night long with my legs up in the air." Confused, the elderly woman ask, "What's a matter? Ain't you got a vase?"
A woman places a personal ad in the papper...
Ad goes as follows...
"Woman seeking man with strong arms to hold me. Must enjoy long walks on the beach, and above all else, is good in bed."
A few days later her door bell rings. She answers the door to a quadriplegic man in a wheel chair. He says, " I here because of the ad." Which she replies to " Well you have no arms to hold me, and no legs to walk. How are we suppose to make this work?". Which he replies, "How do you think I rang the doorbell?".
Sorry for formatting, on mobile.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Scientist: let's name this spider long legs, for its long legs.
Scientist 2: hmmmm not k**... enough.
A wife comes home from a long day at work
She goes to her room and she sees a pair of feminine feet in the bed with a pair of manly feet.
Assuming that her husband is cheating on her, she goes into a rage and starts beating their legs.
After about 20 seconds of punching, she hears her husband call from the kitchen Honey! Just wanted to let you know your parents are here
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I knew a guy who had his left arm and left leg cut off...
To cut a long story short I'm in jail and he is dead
Old western stranger
An old man sitting at the edge of an old western town sees a silhouette approaching from the dusty horizon. Its not long before he realizes that it is a 3 legged dog limping toward him. The old man shouts a warning to the dog "we dont take kindly to strangers around here". The 3 legged dog limps like john wayne while slowly raising his gaze up to look straight into the old mans eyes with a piercing stare and says" Im lookin for the man who shot my paw"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman gets married and has 10 kids.
Eventually, her husband dies, and she waits a year to grieve and gets married a second time. With that husband she has 8 kids.
That husband also dies, so she ends up getting married a third time. She has 6 kids with this man.
After a few years, this husband also dies. Finally, the woman dies a few years later.
At her f**..., the priest exclaims "Praise Jesus, for they have finally been brought together again at long last!"
One if her friends in the audience asks her husband "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"
The husband replies, "Actually, I think he's talking about her legs."
Mom told me this joke long ago, remains my favourite joke to date.
Rory fell down the stairs and broke his leg. He yelled to his friends, Guys, call me an ambulance!
So Rory's friends started dancing around him singing, Rory is an Ambulance, Rory is an ambulance!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Have you ever had a leg cramp ruin s**...?
I'm sitting on the chair when my cramps up and I Yelp so loud that my wife and her boyfriend stop having s**.... They look at me and say "how long have you been there?" And I say "The whole time! I'm the one making this video."
Horse walks into a bar.
Bartender says "Why the long face?"
"Ha, ha, very funny," says the horse. "But I gotta say, today was not a good day. Injured my leg out, on the racetrack. My career's probably finished."
Bartender reaches under the bar, pulls out a gun, and shoots the horse.
Then he feels sorry for him, says "Tell ya what, buddy. That round is on the house."
Just had a strange phone survey
They asked:
* How's the knee feeling?
* Do you prefer shorts or long pants?
* Do you ever get cramps in your calf area?
I interrupted and said, Hey, this is weird. Why are you asking such strange questions?
The surveyor laughed and said, I'm just polling your leg.
A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly.
After long hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs, until he crashes heavily into the ground with a hard knock on his shell.
After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily again.
The little turtle persisted again and again while a couple of birds sitting at the edge of a branch, watched the turtle with pain. Suddenly the female bird says to the male, "Dear, I think it's time to tell our little turtle he is adopted."
This guy had a magic door
This guy had a magic door in his house. Whenever he wanted he could open the door and step into a magic world where he was the only human in. Since he was alone in this magic world he was like the king and he could do whatever he wanted to. There was no wife to throw chores at him, no kids nagging and fighting, no dog he needs to take on a walk - no one. He was alone to do as he pleases for as long as he wanted to until his legs get numb and he has to flush down the water and get back to reality.
Man gets lost in the countryside
Drives up a long road to a farmhouse, passing a three legged pig in a field.
Farmer gives him instructions on a route back to the City.
Driver thanks him and before leaving says what's with the three legged pig?
Farmer says bravest pig you're ever gonna see… burglars attacked our house last month.. pig fought them off.
Week later I fell in the river and pig hauled me to safety.
Week after that the pig rescued my horse from a burning stable.
Driver… but why has it only got three legs?
Farmer… well a pig as brave as that.. we're not going to eat it in one go are we!!!!!!l
This new girl joined our soccer team
I was amazed, she was exactly what we wanted
She was tall, she was athletic, her legs were long, she wasn't fragile and she was extremely good with her hands
The moment I saw her I knew,
She's a keeper.
The Best Medicine
A man went to his doctor and said, "You've got to check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh and you'll hear it!"
The doctor placed his ear against the man's thigh and heard, "Gimme $10! I really need $10!"
"How long has this been going on for?" the doctor asked.
"That's nothing!" the man said. "Put your ear up to my knee!"
The doctor put his ear up to the man's knee and heard, "I really need $20! Please give me $20!"
"Ah," the doctor said. "I know exactly what's wrong. Your leg appears to be broke in two places."