Long Kids Jokes

Two starving cannibals, a father and son, were out trying to get something to eat.

They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.
Before long, along came a little old man.
The son said, "Oh Dad, there’s one."
"No," said the father. "There’s not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We’ll just wait."
A little while later, along came a really fat man.
The son said, "Hey dad, he’s big enough."
"No," the father said. "We’d all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We’ll just wait."
About an hour later, there came this absolutely gorgeous woman.
The son said, "Now there’s nothing wrong with that one Dad, let’s eat her."
"No," said the father. "Were not going to eat her either."
"Why not?" asked the son.
"Because, we’re going to take her back alive, and eat your mother."

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower.
"How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher. 
"I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle," said the little boy. 
After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?" 
The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal." 
The preacher took the mower and began to crank it.
He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower.
The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start." 
The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started." 
The preacher said, I'm a minister, and I can't cuss. It's been so long since I've been saved that I don't even remember how to cuss." 
The little boy looked at him happily and said, "You just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya!"

Mary is sitting in Sunday school...

She had a long night, so she was dozing off. The teacher asks "Who is the creator of the world and all its creatures?"
A kid sitting behind Mary starts poking her with a pencil. She wakes up and turns around and yells "My GOD!"
The teacher says she is correct and Mary dozes off again. The teacher proceeds to ask the class "Who is the son of God?"
The kid pokes Mary again with a pencil, she again wakes up, turns around and yells "JESUS CHRIST!"
The teacher tells her she is correct and Mary dozes off yet again. Later The teacher then asks the class "What did Eve say to Adam after they had they're 13th child?"
Once again the kid pokes Mary with his pencil. She wakes up, turns around, and yells "IF YOU POKE ME WITH THAT THING ONE MORE TIME I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF!"

A college student was golfing with an old man...

And they get to the 6th hole, a very long par 5 with a huge oak tree right in the middle of the start of the fairway.
The college kid says to the old man, "Any advice on this hole? I'm not sure I can carry over the tree but this hole is too long to lay up on the first shot."
The old man snorts with laughter and says, "Hah! A young guy like you? When I was your age I could clear that tree with a 4 iron."
The kid, not wanting to be outdone by this old man, grabs a 3 iron to be safe and takes a whack. THUNK, it hits the tree and bounces back towards him, and the old man laughs at him.
He tries again with a 3 wood and again THUNK, the ball smacks the trunk and rolls back. The old pensioner is now doubled over laughing at this kid's efforts.
Furious at being humiliated, the college kid tries one last time with his new driver and again THUNK the ball is no where near clearing the tree. He turns to the old man and says "Gee mister, you must have been a long hitter when you were younger to clear that tree with a 4 iron."
"Well son," says the old man smiling, "when I was your age that tree was a young sapling only 10 ft tall"

A kid works up the nerve to ask his crush to prom...

And first he must buy the tickets. So he heads to the ticket line and waits for about a half hour until he reaches the front and finally buys two tickets for him and his date.
Then he has to buy a tuxedo, so he heads over to the tux shop but due to prom season, it is overflowing with customers all waiting to get their prom tuxes. So he waits in line for about an hour until finally he can get fitted. He buys a green vest to match his date's dress.
Then he and his date decide they want to take a limo to prom, so he heads over to the limousine rental place and stands in line for an hour and a half waiting to order a limo. When he finally gets to the front, he orders a long white limo for 8 people.
The big day finally arrives and the kid and his date and their six friends all pull up to the dining hall in their white limo but because they've arrived a little late, they have to wait in line for about 25 minutes before they can get in.
Once in the dining hall, the kid and his date head to the dinner buffet and stand behind dozens of hungry students waiting to get their food. After a 35 minute line, they finally sit down with their food when the kid's date realizes she forgot to grab a beverage.
He heads over to the punch bowl to get her some juice and is surprised to see there's no punch line.

Two kids are walking down a dirt path...

a boy and a girl. Suddenly the boy stops and proclaims, "look at what I have!"
He pulls down his pants and allows the girl to observe.
"Do you have one?" he asks.
The girl is confused and upset that she does seem to be lacking what the boy has. Distraught she runs home to her mother who see her daughter crying.
"What's wrong?" asks the mother. The daughter tells her mother about the situation and when she is done her mother only smiles.
The next day the boy and girl are walking along the same path. The boy notices the girl is smiling even more than he is and demands to know why. The girl, turns to him, pulls up her skirt and says "my mom says as long as I have one of these, I can get as many of those as I want!"

Inside a supermarket, a woman spots........

a grandfather and his poorly behaved three-yearold grandson. Easy, Billy, says grandfather calmly. We won't be long.
In the cookie aisle, the woman hears the kid whining some more, I want cookies! Gimme cookies!
It's OK Billy, just a couple more minutes, and we'll be out of here. Just hang on; you're doing great, says the grandfather.
At the check out, the kid screams, CANDY! I want candy!
Billy, Billy, relax, pal. Don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes.
The woman is impressed. You're amazing, she tells the grandfather. You kept your composure no matter how loud he got. Billy is very lucky to have you as a grandpa.
Thanks, replies the grandfather. But I'm Billy. The little twerp is Michael.

Can you give me a push?

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??" "No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing.

Prom

The "geeky" kid in the grade asked the "hot" girl to the prom. Much to his and everyone's surprise, she said yes. While there, she knows she can get him to do anything. And so upon seeing the long buffet line, she asked him to go get her a plate of food. He happily agrees, and while he's gone to get the food, she dances with her friends and has a good time. He comes back, and she thanks him, they sit down and eat together. While eating she spills some food on her shawl. She says "oh no, it's going to stain quickly unless it comes out, can you go to the bathroom and wash it for me" he does so a bit perturbed, realizing she's getting the best of him. But he decides not to argue the point, and so waits in the line at the bathroom, goes in and washes her shawl. When he comes back she says, "this food was spicy, my mouth is burning! can you go get me some punch to quench my thirst?" he does so happily because there's no punch line

The Moth

A moth went into a podiatrist's office, and the podiatrist said, "What seems to be the problem?"
The moth replied, "What's the problem?! Where do I even begin? For one thing, I'm breaking my back day in and day out, working long hours for next to no pay at a thankless job where my horrible boss is always yelling at me. Then I come home and my wife doesn't appreciate me, my kids are brats, and my dog won't fetch the newspaper. Everything's terrible! I'm really at my wit's end and I don't know what to do."
"Wow," said the podiatrist, "clearly, you are very troubled. But this is a podiatrist's office--why did you come here?"
The moth replied, "The light was on."

This kid passed his driving test . . . .

This kid passed his driving test and said to his dad:
"How about me borrowing the family car dad?"
His dad said:
"You get your grades up to a B, read your Bible a little more and get your hair cut then we'll talk about you borrowing the car."
A month or so later his dad said:
"Congratulations, your grades are up to a B, plus I've noticed you reading your Bible a lot more but you still haven't cut your hair, so no car I'm afraid."
"But dad," the kid said, "in reading my Bible, I have learned that Samson wore his hair long, so did John The Baptist and probably Jesus did too."
"Very true" said his dad, "but did you notice they walked everywhere."

How to play "Future You"

FUTURE YOU
How to play "Future You"
(You'll have to be over 25 to play this game)
Go to a play park, or a fair ground or a school or anywhere you might find children.
Find a child who looks enough like you.
Go up to that child when they're alone and say
"I am you from the future, those people are not your parents, I'm sorry but your real parents were dead long ago...
Now listen carefully, you need to become me.
Become the super spy the world needs!
You have to get to Mexico, forget about everyone you know, they've all been placed here by the shadow man to stop you by any means.
Just get to Mexico, you will meet who you need to meet when you get there, trust me.
Don't look back just go, GO NOW!"
This game can also be played with more players, where whoever had the kid causing the longest news story, wins...

Books Never Written

Hey guys, don't know if you're familiar with these kind of jokes, but they were my favorite growing up, so I thought I'd post a bunch of the here. They're pretty corny, but I hope you enjoy!
*Take A Breather* by Justin Hale
*How to Become Famous* by Anonymous
*Living Long* by Diane Perish
*How to Get Rich* by Robin A. Bank
*I'm So Greedy* by Jenna Russ
*How to Drive a Manual Transmission* by Otto Matic
*How to be a Great Pilot* by Mae Day
*Where to Find Wildebeests* By Sara N. Getti
*Raising Kids* by Bill E. Goat
*Warriors of Feudal Japan* by Sam A. Rye
*Woodwind Instruments* by Clara Net
*Tragedy at the Grand Canyon* by Eileen Dover
*The Human Brain* by Sir E. Brum and Sara Bellum
*Deep in Debt* by Owen A. Lott
*The World is a Big Place* by Mike Robe
*Confessions of a Mental Patient* by Justin Sane

Modern Wedding Arrangements!

Daughter:
" Daddy, I am coming home to get married. Take out your cheque book.
Dad, I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. I am in Australia and he lives in the UK .
We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp, he proposed to me on Skype and now we've had two months of relationship through Viber.
Dad, I need your blessings good wishes and a big wedding."
Father: "Wow! Really!! Then get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon and pay through Paypal. And if you are fed up with your husband....sell him on Ebay.

Two retired gentlemen meet while on the beach in Florida

They sit down and strike up a conversation.
"So you moved down here after you retired. What did you do before?"
"I was in the sporting goods business. I started out selling socks from a cart. Before long I had a little store. The business grew, slowly at first, but after thirty years I owned the biggest sporting goods store for fifty miles. I wanted to slow down a little and enjoy my success, but none of the kids were interested in the business, and I had a hard time finding a buyer. Then, tragically, the store burned to the ground. Luckily, I had good insurance. It paid off more than enough to retire on, so here I am! What about you?"
"My story is much the same. I spent my life in the shoe business, until a flood wiped me out. Insurance saved me as well. I decided not to rebuild, just moved down here to relax."
"Wow, that's something. I have one question, though."
"What's that?"
"How do you start a flood?"

Selling Condoms

An 18-yr-old starts work as a pharmacist's assistant. The pharmacist is showing the new kid around the aisles when they stop at the c**... display and the kid asks why they come in different quantities per package.
The pharmacist tells the noob that the 3-packs are for high school guy, who gets it on once on Friday night, once on Saturday and once on Sunday.
The 6-packs are for the more-experienced college guys, who do it twice each on Friday night, Saturday and Sunday.
So the kid says, "what about these 12-packs?"
The pharmacist replies "the 12-packs are for the guys who've been married for a long time - January, February, March..."

In science class, 3 worms were places into 3 different jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day, these were the results:
The first worm in alcohol ---dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke --- dead.
The 3rd worm in soil --- alive.!!
So the science teacher asked the class --- "What can you learn from this experiment.?"
A kid quickly raised his hand and said.
"As long as you drink alcohol and smoke , you won't have worms in your stomach".

"Ok children, lets play a guessing game..."

"Ok Jimmy", said Ms. Par, " I have something behind my back that is round, orange and is a piece of fruit, what is it?"
"That's easy" says Jimmy, "Its an orange!"
"Nope, its a tangerine, but it shows you're thinking."
Jimmy holds up his hand and says " Ok Ms. Par, I have one for you." the kid reaches into his front pocket and says, "In my hand is something stiff, with a red tip and is about one inch long. What is it?"
"JIMMY!!!!!" exclaims the teacher
The kid smiles, takes his hand out of his pocket and says
"Nope, its a match.... But it shows your thinking!"

What's a cowlick?

Dad: Son, your hair dresser does such a good job even with your cowlick as crazy as it is
Son: What's a cowlick?
Dad: Whatever it wants.
Son: what?
Dad: ...
My dad made this joke when I was around 10 and I didn't understand it until I was around 16...and I asked him about it every once in a while and he pretended he had no idea what I was talking about...really played the long con there....I can't wait for my kids to ask me about a cowlick...

A man walks into a fast food restaurant, followed by a priest.

What can I get you today? Says the cashier.
I'll have one cheeseburger and a kid sized chicken nugget portion please.
The priest asks the man What are you getting the kid sized portion for?
Well, says the man my lazy 7 year old isn't doing his chores and says he won't do anything unless I get him some chicken nuggets. He says he'll do anything after I get him some.
He'll do anything? Asks the priest.
Yeah, I reckon any kid would do whatever you want for a bit of junk food. Says the man jokingly.
The priest thinks long and hard and says to the cashier
I'll have 20 kid sized chicken nugget portions please.

A doctor overhears two 8 year olds on hospital beds next to each other

The first one leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kids says, "I'm here to get my tonsils removed, I'm a little scared."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about, I did that when I was 4. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and Ice cream, and it's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you in here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
The second kid gasps, "Woah, good luck buddy, I had that done a long time ago..."
"**I couldn't walk for a year"**