Long Jump Jokes

There were five people aboard an airplane having engine trouble getting ready to c**.

.., however, there were only four parachutes. Everyone wondered what should be done to determine who should get the parachutes. One person said that he was the smartest thing that hit the face of the Earth, and that he was too smart to die. So, he took one of the parachutes and jumped out of the aircraft. The second person said that she was too important to die, she had children and a family to take care of, and they depended on her to care for them. So, she took one of the parachutes and jumped out of the aircraft. The third person said that he was too important to die because his family depended on him for survival. He was the head of household and the sole bread winner. So, he took one of the parachutes and jumped out of the aircraft. Finally, there were only two people left, and one parachute. One person was a 12 year old boy, and the other was a 65 year old man. The old man said, "Well son, I have lived a good life, and you are too young to die, you have a long life ahead of you. So, you take the last parachute. The boy asked, "Why, Sir?" The old man said, "Well, there is only one parachute left." The little lad said, "Sir there are really two parachutes left." The old gentlemen asked, excitedly, "Yeah? How?" "Well," replied the boy, "you know that guy who thought he was the smartest and greatest thing that hit the face of the Earth? He grabbed my backpack."

A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit s**...," she says. While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That's a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing s**...?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl…"

It's a really hot day and this penguin is having car trouble, so he takes it into a garage.

The penguin asks, "How long will it be?"
The mechanic says, "Just a few minutes."
So the penguin decides to go get an ice cream at the grocery store across the street.
When the penguin gets there he climbs inside the big freezer door and starts to eat ice cream.
Three hours go by before the penguin looks at his watch and jumps out of the freezer and races back to the garage.
With ice cream all over his face and his stomach he says, "So, how's my car?"
The mechanic comes walking out wiping his hands on a rag and says, "Looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin says, "No, no, no, I was just eating ice cream."

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day.
The first guy says to the second.
"You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."
The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they’ll need – a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square.
As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble.
Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.
The first guy jumps.
He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.
Unfortunately, the second guy isn’t able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again.
This time, he is bruised and bleeding.
Again, the second guy misses him.
The first guy falls again and bounces back up.
This time, he comes back pretty messed up – he’s got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.
Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a 'pinata'?"

A man walks into a bar...

The bartender asks "Why the long face?"
The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death."
The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself."
The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?"
The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy."
The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the bar.
A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face.
"Did you kill the guy?" The bartender asks nervously.
"Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please."

The Fukawi Tribe

There was once a tribe of very short people who lived on an island in very long grass. One day an explorer stumbled upon this large grass covered island and intact discovered the tribe. He was very excited but decided since he was not sure if they were a peaceful people or not he would not engage this time, instead he would come back better equipped in a few days. When he got home he decided to tell his fellow explorers about the tribe he had discovered. He sat with them in a bar and told them all about the island and the long grass and the tiny people. Finishing his story he said so I've discovered this incredible tribe they're new and they're called the Fukawi tribe his best friend astounded said but how did you come up with the name?
Oh I didn't came the reply they named themselves, and when I approached them they kept jumping up yelling we're the Fukawi

s**...

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stopped. The leader, a big burly guy, gets off his bike and says, "Hey, honey, what are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit s**...," she says. While he did not want to appear insensitive, he also didn't want to miss an opportunity so he asked... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" So she does... And it was a long, passionate, deep-tongued, lingering, thrilling kiss. After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are going to waste. You could be famous. Why are you committing s**...?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

The 100 MPH Goat

*(I live in Tennessee. No offense to r**... everywhere else...)*
Two Tennessee r**... are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

The second hunter says, "I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says, "There's this old pickup transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see."

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.

As they stand there listening and looking over the edge, they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.

They turn around to see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.

"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

The old farmer said, "That's impossible. I had him chained to a transmission!"

A Jumper

On January 9 a group of Pekin IL , bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off a Peoria bridge, so they stopped.
The Harley leader, George a big burly man of 53, gets off his bike, walks through the gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit s**...," she says.

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

After she's finished, George gets approval from his group, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, then says,
"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you are wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing s**...?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl".
The onlookers are still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed!

Blind man walks into a bar..

He sits down, pint for him, shandy for the dog. The bar man asks him "So fella, what ya been up to recently?"
"Skydiving" said the blind man.
"Skydiving?!" said the barman astonished "How long have you been doing that now?"
"A few months now, did my first solo jump there last weekend."
"That's amazing." said the barman still astonished, "Tell me this though, how do you know you're getting near the ground?"
"Oh that's easy." says the blind man. "I wait for the dog's lead to go slack."

A man climbed a mountain for the first time...

and he wanted to know how long it would take for an object to fall down a cliff. He threw a pebble. It didn't make a sound. He looked for a bigger object, and threw a fist-sized rock. It too, refused to make a sound. He looked around for a bigger object. The man saw a steel pillar. He threw that off the cliff. Then a goat jumped off the cliff after the pillar. The man was confused. He was analyzing the situation when a farmer came by.
"Hi," said the farmer. "Have you seen my goat anywhere?"
The man replied, "I did see a goat; but it jumped off the cliff."
The farmer exhaled in relief. "That's not my goat," he said. "My goat was tied to a steel pillar."

A heroic biker . . .

Last week, a group of Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"
The would-be jumper responded, "I'm going to commit s**...."
While George didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a legend-in-the-making opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.
After they finished, George gets approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing s**...?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf...

It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.
"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says John. "Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred."
After a brief pause, John says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Fred, honey!"
"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Fred that my car's just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."
"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Fred?"
"He jumped out of bed too, and he was all scared, and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."
There is a long pause.
"Swimming pool? Is this 555-3097?"

26 blondes and one brunet are on a plane

26 blonde girls and one brunet girls are on a play. They were flying along when they hit some turbulence. The pilot comes onto the speaker and says "the plane is to heavy we need to drop all unnecessary items." The people franticly grab all the thing they don't need and throw it out.
The pilot comes back on the loud speaker and says, "we are still to heavy we have to drop all the luggage." Again the people franticly begin to discard all there luggage.
The pilot comes on again and says "we are still too heavy we have to drop the floor.", so the pilot flicks the switch and everyone is hanging on by s**... the roof. When the pilot says "we are still to heavy someone has to jump.
Everyone is reluctant but finally the brunet (who is around 60) says i have live a long and happy life I will jump to save your live because you are still young and still can make something with your life. I am worn out and poor. I have nothing left.
all the blondes start to clap

There once was a big, strong bull...

There once was this big, strong bull. Had a ring in his nose, big horns and he went by the name of Hannibal. He had a field to himself with green grass, small dandelions and a fence. One day, the farmer brings some pretty cute cows and puts them in the field next to Hannibal.
So the bull walks up to the barbed wire and checks out the pretty ladies on the other side. He knows that he would like to get to know them a bit better - if you know what I mean - , but there is this fence between them. So he waits until the farmer leaves, takes a long run and jumps over the fence into the other field.
The cows look all startled and giggle: "O my, Hannibal... how did you get in here?"
He winks: "Just call me Hanni, honey... The rest I left hanging in the barbed wire."
- Sorry for the English, it is not my first language.

Went to the doctors the other day..

Went to the doctors the other day.
Get into the surgery when his phone rings.
Doc said "I gotta go. Look after the surgery for me while I'm gone. Don't worry, there's only 3 more patients, it won't take long. I'll be back in 15 minutes."
And off he goes.
When he comes back, he asks "How did it go?"
"First person came in - headache. I said 'Take paracetamol.'"
"Well done." Said the Doc.
"Second person came in - Indigestion. I said 'Take gaviscon.'"
"Well done!"
"Third one came in. Couldn't believe it! Beautiful young girl. Took all her clothes off, jumped on the bed and shouted 'Help me! Help me! Help me! I haven't seen a man in years!'"
"Wow! What did you do?"
"I put drops in her eyes"

A blond is hiking through the woods when she hears someone counting up ahead.

She emerges from the tree line to find a brunette doing jumping jacks on a set of train tracks repeating, "10, 10, 10..." upon every jump.
The blonde says to the brunette, "Excuse me for wondering, but what exactly are you doing?"
The brunette replies, "It's a great game I just learned called '10' but I have no one to play with. Want to join me?"
"You bet!" So the blonde jumps onto the train tracks with glee and they both do jumping jacks and count together for a several minutes.
As you suspect, it wasn't long before the a train comes barreling around the bend striking the blonde but missing the brunette who jumps off in the nick of time.
The brunette, completely unphased, gets back on the tracks and begins jumping and counting again.
"11, 11, 11..."

A Japanese man, an American, an Englishman, and a Mexican are in a plane. The plane's about to c**....

The pilot says over the intercom "The plane is about to c**..., but if we jettison the cargo, we may be able to get back up."
The cargo is jettisoned, but there is no significant effect.
The pilot then says "The plane can only support one man other than me and the copilot, so the three of you must make a sacrifice. May God have mercy on your souls."
The Japanese man decides to jump out first and shouts "Tenno haika banzai! (Long live the Emperor)". The Englishman in all his dignity closes his eyes, jumps down and shouts "God save the Queen!".
The American quickly gets up, throws the Mexican off the plane and yells "Remember the Alamo!"

Arrested While Fishing

So I was fishing by this lake one day when a few nice fellows come walking by, presumably on their way back into town. These hard-hat wearing men told me they'd been working in a cave all day long, we joked about how we'd have a beer or 5 when we all got back to our homes. And they were very interested in my fishing pole. Being the fishing enthusiast that I am, I was happy to show the guys my whole line set up, my secret techniques, I even showed them some awesome tips on where to fish. Next thing I know - I see 2 Cop cars pull up. Frantic officers jump out and boom! Knee in my back, face on the ground, handcuffs clicking. Sir, you are under arrest! to which I replied, For what?! I've got my fishing license!"
For exposing your rod to minors and teaching them how to master bait."

Penguin takes his car to the mechanic

On a really hot day, a penguin takes his car to a mechanic. The penguin asks, "How long will it be?" The mechanic says, "Just a few minutes."
So the penguin decides to go get an ice cream at the grocery store across the street. When the penguin gets there, he climbs inside the big freezer door and starts to eat ice cream.
Three hours go by before the penguin looks at his watch and jumps out of the freezer and races back to the mechanic.
With ice cream all over his face and his stomach, he asks, "So how's my car?" The mechanic comes walking out wiping his hands on a rag and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." The penguin says, "No, it's just ice cream--I swear!"

Another plane was going down..

...On board were Henry Kissinger, a priest and a hippie. The pilot comes back to the passenger area and says "This plane is going down , there are three parachutes, and I'm taking one!" and jumps out of the door.
Henry Kissinger says "I am ze smartest man in ze world und I need to live," grabs a parachute and jumps out.
The priest says to the hippie, "My son, I have lived a long life and am one with God, please take the last parachute that you may live."
The hippie turns back to the priest and says "Don't sweat it, pops, the smartest man in the world just jumped out of an airplane with my backpack."

The Greek Legal System

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court in Greece, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.

After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a coin into a vending machine, and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or to the machine?"

Car Problems

On a really hot day, a penguin takes his car to a mechanic. The penguin asks, "How long will it be?" The mechanic says, "Just a few minutes."
So the penguin decides to go get an ice cream at the grocery store across the street. When the penguin gets there, he climbs inside the big freezer door and starts to eat ice cream.
Three hours go by before the penguin looks at his watch and jumps out of the freezer and races back to the mechanic.
With ice cream all over his face and his stomach, he asks, "So how's my car?" The mechanic comes walking out wiping his hands on a rag and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." The penguin says, "No, I was just eating ice cream."

5 people are in a plane that is about to c**....

The five people are:
-Trump
-Morgan Freeman
-Larry Page
-The Pope
-A schoolboy
There are only 4 parachutes.
Morgan freeman says that he is an entertainer of millions, and jumps out of the plane with a parachute.
Larry Page says that he founded Google, and jumps out of the plane with a parachute.
Trump says that he is the smartest man in America, and jumps out of the plane with a parachute.
There are only two people left, and one parachute. The Pope says "I have lived a long and happy life, you can take the parachute" to the schoolboy.
The schoolboy replies "no, it's OK, we can both go, the smartest man in America took my backpack!"

Girl about to jump of a bridge.....

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, What are you doing?
I'm going to commit s**..., she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity. He asked Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a b**...? So, she does and it was a long, deep and slow b**....
After she's finished, the biker says, Wow! That was the best b**... I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing s**...?
My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl.....

A pig and a cat were walking down a dirt path.

The pig was very s**..., so the cat had to explain everything to him.
When the cat was talkin to the pig about something, he accidentally fell down a deep pit.
He asked the pig to go back to their house and grab a rope.
The pig soon returned with a sturdy long rope.
The cat said : Throw it down !
So the pig threw the whole rope down the pit.
The cat: you idiot...you were supposed to grab hold of one end!!
The pig after thinkin a while, jumpe down the pit and grabbed hod of the rope.

Donald Trump, the Pope, Mark Zuckerberg, and a schoolboy are on a plane...

Suddenly, they hit turbulence. The pilot, telling them that the plane is going to c**..., grabs a parachute and jumps out of the plane. There are only 3 parachutes left, so Mark Zuckerberg says, "I am worth over 50 billion dollars," and jumps out of the plane. Trump says "I am the smartest man in the world, as well as the president," and jumps out after the pilot and Mark Zuckerberg. Finally, the Pope tells the kid "I have lived a long life, you can take the last parachute." The kid says "We can both grab a parachute, the smartest man in the world took my backpack."

Biker VS Suicidal Girl

A tough looking group of bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit s**...," she says. While he doesn't want to appear insensitive, he also doesn't want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she's finished, the tough, biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I've ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing s**...?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl…"

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Texan, and a Mexican are on a plane.

The pilot says, We don't have enough fuel to make it, we will need to push out all of our cargo
The people all push out every last seat and bag that they have, and the pilot regretfully tells them that it is not enough. He says, 3 of you 4 will have to jump out of this plane,
The Englishman says, My country is very noble, thus I shall take my life for you. Long live the queen!
And he jumps.
The Frenchman, not to be outdone by the Englishman yells, Viva la France!
And he jumps.
Finally the Texan goes to the door and yells, Remember the Alamo!
And he throws out the Mexican.