Long Journey Jokes

there once was a...

There once was a community in which there where the squares and the "jokes". the "jokes" were actually circles but were a minority and were often laughed at and segregated in the community, so they were called "jokes". One circle had enough of the ridicule from the squares and wanted to become a square himself.
He knew that there was only one person in their town that could pull off such a thing. They called him Eye, for he was all seeing. After his long Journey, he finally arrived at Eye's magical hut. After the circle told him his request, the mystical Eye said, "This joke will forever be pointless, and Eye just wasted your time"

(long) All the knights in the Kingdom we're leaving for the Crusade.

One knight told his trusty servant,
"My bride is the most beautiful woman in the country. If I die, I do not want such beauty to be wasted. So I'm leaving you the key to her chastity belt to be used if I do not return from my journey."
The knights had only gone a short distance when they heard a horse charging up behind them.
Thinking it might be an important message, the men halted.
The horseman who approached was the Knight's servant.
"hey" he said.
"You gave me the wrong key!"

A woman is in bed with a man she shouldn't be with

Her husband is away on a business trip. Suddenly she hears the sound of the front door opening, her husband is back earlier than she expected.
"Quick! Hide in the bathroom!", she says to the man in her bed, he scampers off quickly.
The husband walks into the bedroom and sees his wife n**.... Thinking on her feet she says "You must have had a long journey, come to bed and make love to me."
"That sounds great, I'll just have a quick shower, let me pop to the bathroom."
He opens the door and is confronted with a man, barefoot to the neck, looking into the distance, clapping with his arms outstretched.
The husband asks "Who are you?"
"From the council", the man replied, "your wife phoned us up and said you had a moth problem"
"But you're not wearing any clothes?!"
The man suddenly looked down at his n**... body and looking shocked he exclaimed: "The b**...!"

A Navajo woman asked me about a box of chocolates...

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a white bag on the seat next to Sally. "What in bag?" asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the white bag and said, "It's a box of chocolates. I got it for my husband".
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two, then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: "Good trade."

Two Mexicans were walking in the desert...

Two Mexicans, Juan and José were walking in the desert on a very hot day. It was a long journey and they were both dehydrated.
Suddenly José became quite animated and shouted: 'Juan, Juan look! On the hill over there, it is a bacon tree!'
Sceptically Juan had a look, and said: 'José, you are dehydrated, there is no such thing as a bacon tree.'
José was convinced however so went running up the hill so that he could prove it. A few minutes later Juan heard gunshots so he ran up the hill to make sure José was ok. When he got to the top he saw José lying on the floor with a gun wound in his chest. Juan shouted: 'José what happened?'
With glazed eyes José looked at Juan and whispered: 'It was not a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.'

A Story of Two Bees

So once upon a time, there were two bees, and they were out collecting pollen for their hive. It was going well at first, but soon the clouds started to gather together. One bee said to Two bee, "We better hurry up and meet our quota, it looks like it's going to rain." Two bee said to One bee, "Yes, I agree. Our colony is in grave danger of starvation, and we need to bring them this pollen."
But soon, the rain began. The bees headed for shelter, but before long, One Bee was hit by a drop of water. Two Bee rushed to his side, and dragged him under a leaf, but it was too late. As One Bee lay dying, he said "Two Bee, you must live. Take the pollen I have gathered, the hive needs it. And when you return, tell my wife and children, I love them. Go on without me," then died.
As the rain cleared up, Two Bee knew he still had a long journey ahead of him, so he set his emotions aside.
What happened next?
Two Bee Continued.

Two men travel by train

The journey is very long as they need to cross several European countries. One of them constantly asks at which country they currently are out of boredom. The other man replies correctly by not even looking outside the window.
How do you do that without looking?
Every country has its very specific climate. It's not that hard. Here, let me show you.
He places his hand outside the window every few hours and replies.
Right now we are going through Germany, because my hand is wet.
Right now we are going through Greece, because my hand feels warm.
Right now we are going through Bulgaria, because … my watch is missing.

Some of my favorite SFW jokes

Some of my personal favorite ones:
A snail gets mugged by a gang of turtles. When the police show up and ask what happened the snail say " I don't know, it happened so fast..."
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver say "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her "The driver just insulted me!" The man say, "you go right up there and tell him off--I'll hold your monkey for you."
A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to co-ordinate their travel schedules...so, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address and without realizing his error he sent the e mail to somewhere in Houston. A widow had just returned home from her husband's f**.... He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. Her son rushed into the room and found his mother on the floor and couldn't imagine what happened to her until he looked up at the computer screen and read...
TO: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've arrived
Date: January 12, 2008.
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. Your Loving Husband
P.S. Sure is hot down here!!
And finally,
A man goes into the confessional box. He finds on one wall a small bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a box of the finest Cuban cigars. On the seat is the latest copy of p**.... Finally, the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting these days." The priest replies, "Get out. You're on the my side."

AZ Hitchhiker

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. 'What in bag?' asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: 'Good trade....'

So there was this zebra....

... And he wanted to know if he was white with black stripes or black with white stripes. So, he asked St. Peter. St. Peter said,
'I'm sorry, but I can't answer that question for you. You'll have to go ask God.'
Then the zebra made the long, arduous, and perilous journey up to heaven to talk to God. He asked God,
'God, am I white with black stripes or black with white stripes?' God simply said,
'You are what you are.'
'Well hmmph,' said the zebra with a huff, 'Fat lot of good that did me.' So, without having his pressing question answered, he made the long, arduous, and perilous journey back to Earth. He needed to have a word with St. Peter.
Once he got back to Earth, he sought out St. Peter and confronted him.
'St. Peter, God didn't answer my question at all!' he complained.
'Well, zebra, what did He say?' asked St. Peter.
'When I asked him my question, all He said was 'You are what you are.''
'Ah, I see now. You are indeed white with black stripes.' said St. Peter. At this, the zebra was enraged.
'WHAT?!?! You're telling me that after all this time and all this energy I wasted; after I went all the way up to Heaven to ask God this question, you knew the answer the whole time??'
'Now, zebra, calm down,' said St. Peter. 'You don't understand. My answer all depended on God's answer.' He let that sink in for a moment.
'You see, if you were, in fact, black with white stripes, God would have said 'You is whatchu is!''

The epic journey of the s**... cell

Once upon a time, a brand new s**... cell was being instructed by an older s**... cell.
"Right," he said, "this is what's going to happen: one day you'll be having a nap and you'll hear a siren. You rush out as fast as can, make absolutely sure you swim as hard as you can, because you HAVE to be first! You'll enter a long, wet pink tunnel, and you have to swim right to the end. When you get to the end, you'll see a round red ball. You say to the ball: 'Hi, I'm a s**... cell,' and the round red ball will say: 'Hi, I'm an egg cell,' and then the miracle of conception will occur."
"Don't worry sir," said the new s**... cell, "I won't let you down!"
A little while later, the new s**... cell is having a nap and he hears the siren!
Fast as lightning, he dashes off, swimming as fast as can. He enters the wet pink tunnel, looks behind himself and sees other s**... cells catching up to him, so he swims even faster! Furthur into the pink tunnel he swims, till he looks behind and realises he's first!
Finally, after he thinks he can't carry on any longer, he sees the round red ball.
"Yes," he cries out, "I've made it! Hi, I'm a s**... cell."
The round red ball turns to him and says: "Hi, I'm a tonsil."

Bottle of Wine

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
'What in bag?' asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
'Good trade.'

A blonde bought a brand new car and decided to drive down from some place far off, to meet this friend.
She reached there in a few hours.
After spending a few days there, she decided to return, and called up her mother to expect her in the evening.
But she didn't reach home in the evening and not the next day either.
When she finally reached home on the third day, her distraught mother ran and asked her what happened?
She got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said, "These car designers are crazy! They have four gears for going forward, but only one for going back!"