long Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious long puns

The Bible says being gay is fine, as long as you're high.

"A man who lays with another man should be stoned."

- Leviticus 20:13 ESV

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My girlfriend always takes long baths after we finish watching a Ryan gosling movie

I don't know what she's doing in there, but it gives me lots of time to jerk off to Ryan Gosling

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My girlfriend always takes long showers after watching movies starring Chris Pratt

I don't know what she's doing in there, but it gives me lots of time to jerk off to Chris Pratt.

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Where do little jokes come from?

Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke and then they knock knock.

(I made this up myself, I'm really proud of it)

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A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.

As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."Β 

He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

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I've had enough of Christmas. All year long I work my fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids ask for and what happens Christmas morning? That fat fucker with the beard gets all the credit for it!

Still I suppose it was my fault for marrying her.

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What gets longer if pulled, fits snugly between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, chokes people when used incorrectly, and works well when jerked?

A seatbelt

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After a long debate with my Wife, I decied that we won't Vaccine our kids

We think the doctor would do a way better job than us

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What's 50 feet long and has 7 teeth?

The front row of a Neo nazi rally.

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An essay should be like a skirt.

Long enough to cover everything but short enough to keep your attention.

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I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old...

It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two.

Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy.

It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.

I was a complete mess.

I was broke and my body was ruined.

But fuck me, what a night.

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My dick is so long if I laid it on the keyboard it would stretch all the way from A to Z

Wait... Shit...

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I always shave my beard after having sex

... so I can remind my wife for how long we've not been doing it.

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During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"

He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."

I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

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How long are math snakes?

3.14 feet. Well, at least the Ο€thon is



(I'm so sorry)

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What do you call a snake that's exactly 3.14 meters long?

A Ο€thon

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My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it.

She's gonna love this pack of playing cards.

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Why was the little ink drop crying?

His mother was in the pen and he didn't know how long the sentence would be.

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What does a polish bride get on her wedding night that is long and hard?

a new last name

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How Long is a Chinese name.

It's not a question.

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Whats 12 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole?

My bosses tie

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My girlfriend and I are trying this whole "long distance relationship" thing.

I have to stay 100 feet away from her at all times. Also, the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.

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The best part about being an abortionist..? [NSFW]

I haven't had to buy dog food in a long, long time.

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My boss was honest with me today.

He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied, "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."

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A horse walks into a bar...

"Why the long face?" asks the bartender...
The horse replies, "I can no longer make ends meet based solely on the royalties from Sex in the City."

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Interesting facts about myself: (1) my penis is not as long as a footlong sub

(2) I'm banned from subway.

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How does Stephen Hawking refresh after a long day?

F5

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After 5 long years of studying, a student comes rushing into Einstein's office shouting...

"Sir, Sir, I finally understand your theory of Special Relativity!"

Einstein rolls his eyes, "It's about time"

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What's 10 inches long, hard as a rock, full of semen and makes all of the ladies scream?

The sock under my bed.

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I yelled "shotgun", long before anyone else, but I still got to sit in the backseat.

I hate cops.

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What's 7 inches long and hasn't been sucked in over 2 years?

Whitney Houston's crack pipe.

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The secret to a long life

A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.

The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.

She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

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Why did the chicken cross the road?

To escape Kim Jong Un's long range missiles.

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It turns out vaccines cause cancer.

You'll actually live long enough to get it.

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A priest, a rabbi & a 13 year old boy are all on a plane

The plane is going down and there are only two parachutes left.

The priest turns to the rabbi and says, "rabbi, we have both lived long and fulfilling lives, let's give the boy a parachute and we can flip a coin to decide who will get the last one."

The rabbi says, "fuck that 13 year old!"

The priest, asks, "do you think we have enough time?"

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What are the most funny Long jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Long? Well, here are the best Long dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Long pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes