The Best 75 Long Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Long jokes. There are some long longer jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these long long hair puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Long Jokes and Puns

The Bible says being gay is fine, as long as you're high.

"A man who lays with another man should be stoned."

- Leviticus 20:13 ESV

Where do little jokes come from?

Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke and then they knock knock.

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.

As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."Β 

He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

Long joke, A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.

Sex after surgery

A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked ...
How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied ...
Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

Mother's Day

Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen.

But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs.

"As a surprise for Mother's Day," one explained, "we decided to cook our own breakfast."


What did Kate Middleton find out on her wedding night?

That not all rulers are twelve inches long

The secret to a long life

A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.

The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.

She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

Long joke, The secret to a long life

What's 7 inches long and hasn't been sucked in over 2 years?

Whitney Houston's crack pipe.

My boss was honest with me today.

He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied, "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."

How does Stephen Hawking refresh after a long day?

F5

How Long is a Chinese name.

It's not a question.

You can explore long years reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean long shortest dad jokes. There are also long puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Why was the little ink drop crying?

His mother was in the pen and he didn't know how long the sentence would be.

DIVORCED & DRUNK

A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table.
His wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives your girlfriend wild?

A $100 bill.

What does a polish bride get on her wedding night that is long and hard?

a new last name

What is long, black and dangerous to cut into?

the line at KFC

Long joke, What is long, black and dangerous to cut into?

A redneck's father passed away in his sleep

So in the morning, he calls 911 to come pick up the body.

The 911 operator told him that she would send someone out right away.

"Where do you live?" asked the operator.

He replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?

There was a long pause and finally he said, "How 'bout if I drag him over to Oak Street and you pick him up there?"

Lying in bed, my girlfriend turned to me and said

"You're a lot like a math exam."

I replied "Why? Because I'm long and hard?"

She said, "No, I'm cheating on you with an Asian."

New Sex Position called Raging bull... [NSFW]

1st get your girl in doggy style and slide in real deep.
Now lean forward and wrap your arms around her real deep.
Now here's the bull part, bring your lips near her ear and whisper another girl's name and see how long you can stay on. Good luck.


A horse walks into a bar...

"Why the long face?" asks the bartender...
The horse replies, "I can no longer make ends meet based solely on the royalties from Sex in the City."

What's long, hard and bendable and contains the letters p, e, n, i, s?

Your spine

The best part about being an abortionist..? [NSFW]

I haven't had to buy dog food in a long, long time.

I yelled "shotgun", long before anyone else, but I still got to sit in the backseat.

I hate cops.

My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it.

She's gonna love this pack of playing cards.

Boy wants a car from his Dad

the Dad says, "first you gotta cut that hair."

Boy says, "but Dad, Jesus had long hair"

and Dad says
"that's right son, and Jesus walked everywhere"

(credit goes to the band The Silver Jews)

I always shave my beard after having sex

... so I can remind my wife for how long we've not been doing it.

It turns out vaccines cause cancer.

You'll actually live long enough to get it.

What do you call a snake that's exactly 3.14 meters long?

A Ο€thon

How long are math snakes?

3.14 feet. Well, at least the Ο€thon is

(I'm so sorry)

The wife and I took a long, leisurely drive out to the country and pulled over to fill up our car's gas tank and tires...

She was surprised to see that the station had a fee to fill the tires and asked me, "Why in the world do they charge for AIR?!"

I responded, "Inflation."

I looked at my bank account and found I could live the rest of my life comfortably without working...

... as long as I die on Thursday.

An essay should be like a skirt.

Long enough to cover everything but short enough to keep your attention.

Being on a United Airlines flight is like smoking weed.

You take a hit, then a long drag and soon you wake up not knowing where you are.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To escape Kim Jong Un's long range missiles.

After 5 long years of studying, a student comes rushing into Einstein's office shouting...

"Sir, Sir, I finally understand your theory of Special Relativity!"

Einstein rolls his eyes, "It's about time"

So how long are you in for? I asked my cell mate.

Only for a couple of minutes, then I'm usually done he replied as he carried on thrusting.

I've been doing yoga for 5 years.

It's been a long stretch

What do you call a really long metaphor?

It's like, a metafive

PS I made this up myself and I'm really proud of it

Britain's oldest woman turned 114 today

When asked the secret of her longevity, she attributed it to taking a walk at midnight every night. When quizzed on whether she was concerned about the increase in muggings in recent years, she said that she was not, and would continue mugging people as long as her health holds out.

Life is like a box of chocolates

It doesn't last as long for the obese.

During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"

He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."

I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

After a long debate with my Wife, I decied that we won't Vaccine our kids

We think the doctor would do a way better job than us

My girlfriend and I are trying this whole "long distance relationship" thing.

I have to stay 100 feet away from her at all times. Also, the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.

After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt.

Turns out she felt the same way. So I turned the airconditioning on.

The blonde's password

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"
When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

If you could exterminate any race what would you pick?

Personally, I'd get rid of the 800m. It's too long to be considered a sprint and not long enough to really be long distance.

What do you call a 3.14m long snake?

A Ο€thon.

Old German joke

An eight-year old boy had never spoken a word. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, The soup is cold."

His astonished mother exclaimed, Son, I've waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven't you spoken before?"

The boy looked at her and replied, Up until now, everything has been satisfactory."

A man is on is death sentence and he gets to choose his last meal

He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine.

Mom got a sex change operation

After being unhappy for many years my mother came to me and said she was going to get a sex change operation. I didn't fully understand but I was very supportive throughout the whole operation, then he came home.

That's when it all started, all the time all day long horrible dad jokes, terrible puns and all around just awful humor. After a few weeks and being fed up, I realized something and I confronted them.

"Did you seriously just have a sex change operation just for the dad jokes?!" I asked.

He replied, "Oh you could see right through me, I must be so trans-parent."

If Elon Musk's space company establishes a Mars colony, and you have a girlfriend on mars, but later break up because of long distance, she'd be your....

Space x.

A man takes his wife to get tested

Several days go by, and he receives a call from the doctor.

The doctor tells him, Due to an unfortunate mixup with the lab, we are not sure of your wife has Covid-19 or Alzheimer'

The man, clearly frustrated, asks, Well what am I supposed to do with that kind of information?

The doctor calmly suggests, I recommend you take her for a very long walk and leave her. If she comes home, don't let her in.

I dig, you dig, he digs, she digs we dig, they dig.

It's not a long poem, but it's deep.

At the Olympics I saw a man carrying a long sick and I asked, "Are you a pole vaulter?"

He said "No. I am German but how did you know my name was Walter?"

I was in a long McDonald's drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.

Take the high road, I thought to myself. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own.

The cashier must have told her what I'd done because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness.

When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too.

Now she has to go back to the end of the line to start all over.

Don't honk your horn at old people.

A man takes his wife to get tested for Coronavirus.

2 days later he gets a call from the lab.

Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you sir that your wife's test results have been mixed up with another patient's. We're not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's disease.

Man: So what am I supposed to do now?!

Doctor: I'd recommend taking her for a long walk and leaving her, if she finds her way back home, don't open the door.

A fellow was walking along a country road when he came upon a farmer working in his field. The man called out to the farmer "How long will it take me to get to the next town?"

The farmer didn't answer. The guy waited a bit and then started walking again. After the man had gone about a hundred yards, the farmer yelled out "About 20 minutes.

Thank you. But why didn't you tell me that when I asked you?"

Didn't know how fast you could walk".

What do you call a redheaded gentleman from a long line of redheads?

A ginger bred man.

A guy is having a check up at the doctor's...

"Do you think I will have a long and healthy life?"

"I doubt it" sais the doctor shaking his head "Mercury is in Uranus right now"

"I don't believe in that astrology crap, doc"

"Yeah, neither do I. My thermometer just broke"

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment. His wife was standing nearby watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally speaks: "Tim, I've been thinking, now that we're married maybe it's time you quit golfing. You spend so much time on the course. You could probably get a good price for your clubs."

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"For a minute there you were beginning to sound like my ex-wife."

"Ex-wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

"I wasn't," he replied.

Why do the election results take so long?

It's a race between two 70+ year old men. What do you expect?

I haven't had sex since 1956

A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman. The general replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour. Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the general and said "Well, you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956..." The general looked at her, confused, and replied "I sure hope not, it's only 2130 now."

A dad joke my science teacher told me a long time ago:

Why are bacteria so bad at math?

Because they multiply by dividing.

RIP Miss Henn. Miss her lots.

A Husband and Wife at Custody court

The judge looks sternly at the ex wife.


Judge: why do you think you deserve custody of the child?


Ex wife: I brought him into this world so I should have custody of him


Judge: that is a simple yet good reason.


Then the judge looks towards the Ex husband.


Judge: why do you think you deserve custody of the child, sir?


The ex husband thought long and hard about his response, after a brief moment of silence. He replies


Ex Husband: if I put money into a Pepsi machine and a Pepsi comes out. Is it mine or the machines?

Why did it take the police so long to show up to Capitol Hill today?

Because they had to go home and change first.

What happens when you put a lot of LGBT people in a long line?

You get a LGBTQ.

my nagging wife died suddenly on a trip in Jeruselum

Funeral director: "Sir, it would cost about $45,000 if we send her home back to the states or $500 if we bury her here in Jerusalem"

Me: "ship her home"

Funeral director: "But sir, why don't you bury her here in the Holy Land and you can save money"

Me: "A long time ago a man was buried here and 3 days later he rose from the dead, I can't take that chance"

Man goes to Doctor

Man says to Doctor… I feel like a dog.

Doctor… How long have you felt that way?

Man… Ever since I was a puppy.

Have you heard of Schrodinger's cake?

You can have it and eat it.

As long as no one looks.

Two old guys are working at a sewage treatment plant

One guy goes off to lunch and comes back to find his buddy standing above a vat of sewage with a long rake.

"What are you doing?!" he yells

"My coat fell in" his buddy yells back

"You're not really gonna wear that again are you?!"

"No, no. Gosh no, I'm not going to wear it. I have to get it back though, My teeth are in the pocket!"



(Just a silly joke my granddad told me yesterday. Didnt see it when I searched the sub so figured yall might enjoy)

So I went to the doctor yesterday...

And told him that my bottom hurts.

Doctor: Where does it exactly hurt?

Me: Right around the entrance, it's really sore

Doctor: My advice is that for as long as you call it the entrance, it'll hurt.

After a long and serious operation, Edna ended up in a coma.

Try as they might, the doctors just couldn't bring her out of it. When her husband Ralph came into the intensive care unit to see her, the doctors gave him the bad news, "We just can't wake her. It doesn't look good, I'm afraid."

The doctor told Ralph in a quiet somber voice. Ralph looked at Edna and with a soft trembling voice said, "But doctor, she's so young she's only 48."

"37," came the weak reply from Edna.

A Man Goes to the Doctor

A cancer patient anxiously awaits his doctor, who enters with his test results.

Give it to me straight, doc, he pleads. How long have I got?

Ten, says the doctor.

Ten what? Months? Days? Years? The patient cries.

Oh, I'm sorry, the doctor continues. That was my wife on Bluetooth, asking how many eggs we need. Your cancer is in remission and you should lead a long healthy life.

The patient, ecstatic, runs out into the street, where he is promptly hit by a bus and killed.

A Horse Walks into a Bar

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, Hey fellow, why the long face?

The horse, incapable of understanding the English language, shits all over the floor and leaves.

Yo mama so stupid, her password requirement needed to be 8 characters long so she typed in

"Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs".

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the long life jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working long how long doc piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes