Long Island Jokes
30 long island jokes and hilarious long island puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about long island that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Long Island Short Jokes
Short long island jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The long island humour may include short island jokes also.
- I made a one minute long documentary on a U.S. island territory in Micronesia... It's called Guam in 60 Seconds.
- What do Jimmy Carter and the Long Island Railroad have in common? They both pull out of Roslyn every morning at 8:15.
- Coinkidink does not imply causalidink That's all I've got, but 2 long island iced teas me thinks that is deeply, utterly hilarious. Back me up..?
- A man is already 11 years stranded on an island.. In the twelfth, his wife strands on the same island.
Wife : "That what you missed so long is now here!"
Man : "Wait, you got beer?" - I don't know why people hate China. I love it and can't say I have a whole lot wrong with it. It just s**... they've been stuck on that island for so long.
- Why do Long Islander's have the lowest s**... rate in the US? Jersey is the light at the end of the tunnel.
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Long Island One Liners
Which long island one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with long island? I can suggest the ones about island life and new york.
- A Syrian walks into a bar.. He orders a long island.
- What's the longest Island in New York? Long Island.
- Where do most Asians live in the US? Long Island
Heartwarming Long Island Jokes that Make You Laugh
What funny jokes about long island you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean island coast jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make long island pranks.
I was on vacation in Tahiti and decide to go for a one day boat trip
The skipper was sailing along islands when I saw on a really tiny one a man with a long beard, torn-down clothes and no shoes waving at us, screaming. He was very, very far and I didn't understand a word he was saying. I asked the skipper:
- Who is this guy?
- Dunno, he have been there for six months, waves at me every day.
A boy looks longingly to the distant islands
He wants to run away to the islands but the only problem is he's got no money. He walks over to his wise old neighbor and asks him for advice on how to get to there.
The old man says, well these woods here have magical pixies that have a special dust. If you get their dust you could just fly there! The only problem is they don't just give it out for free. You're gonna want to sneak up on 'em.
The boy nods his head in disbelief.
The old man says, So, I guess your options are you hire a boat, or catch a fairy!
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman... (long joke)
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a v**... Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ghanaian, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, 2 Africans and you...
walk into a fine restaurant.
"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group, "but you can't come in here without a Thai."
Lady Penelope returns to her mansion after a long weekend at Tracy Island
Upon seeing Parker in the main bedroom she commands him;
"Parker, take of my dress"
"Yes, M'lady" replies Parker
"Now Parker, take off my Bra"
"Yes M'lady"
"Now Parker take of my p**..."
"Yes M'lady"
"Now Parker if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again you're fired!"
The King of Slaveria fancied himself quite the Casanova
He was renowned throughout the lands for his voracious s**... appetite, and never travelled anywhere without at least a half a dozen concubines in his royal entourage. It so happened that on a voyage to survey his lands across the sea that his royal ship ran into a hurricane and sank. All were lost save the King and his Royal Jester who managed to make it to a small desert island. Well, it wasn't long before the King was at his wit's end.....
A Kiwi was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck...
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he
realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his
two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful
cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for
romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better
to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm
around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely
until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets
together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another
shipwreck.
The only survivor was Julia Gillard.
That evening, the man brought Julia to the evening beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and
gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again.
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in
and leaned over to Julia and told her he hadn't had s**... for months.
Julia batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she
could do for him.
He said, 'Could you take the dog for a walk!'
The CIA, Mi6, and KGB all meet for a competition [LONG]
Dropped off on a deserted island each team is tasked with the same mission. Go into the jungle and catch a rabbit. Fastest time wins.
The CIA team goes first, within 5 minutes they come out with a rabbit squirming around in hand. As the the other teams seem mildly impressed.
Next, the Mi6 team goes in and within 3 minutes They come out not only with one but 3 rabbits.
Finally the KGB goes in and within 30 seconds you hear this massive scuffle making its way through the jungle guns pointed and yelling and they pull out a massive elephant. As the elephant desperately yells, "I'm a rabbit, I'm rabbit!!!".
My Irish mom always told jokes about wee p**.... This one was always my fave.
There was an Englishman, a Scot and wee p**... from Ireland all stranded on an island. They found a genie lamp and they rubbed it and a genie appeared and said they had three wishes. They quickly decided they would each get one. The Englishman wished to be back home with his family. *p**...* he was gone. The Scot made the same wish. *p**...* he was gone. It was p**...'s turn and he thought long and hard about what to wish for. And then it came to him: "Ach, I'm awful lonely...I wish I had me friends back"...
A Spaniard, an American, and a Japanese man are approached by a billionaire.
A Spaniard, an American, and a Japanese man are approached by a billionaire. The billionaire asks them to participate in a year-long experiment wherein they will be taken to a deserted island to survive.
He assigns them each tasks according to their heritage:
The Spaniard will be in charge of food.
The American will be in charge of shelter.
And the Japanese man will be in charge of supplies.
A year passes on the island and the billionaire returns to find only the Spaniard and American left.
"What happened?! Where is the Japanese man?" he asks.
"We're not sure! As soon as we got here he took off into the forest and we haven't seen him since."
Worried for the Japanese man, they decide to search the island.
After a few minutes of walking, all of the sudden, the Japanese man leaps out from the bushes and yells, "**SUPPLIES!**"
On A Desert Island For 10 Years
A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit...
The man runs to greet her, "Am I ever happy to see you."
The girl says "Hi! Looks like you've been here a long time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" The man says, "It's been ten years!" With this information the girl unzips a pocket on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man cigarette.
The man says, "Thanks!" The girl says, "So tell me, how long its been since you had a drink?"
The man replies, "It's been ten years" The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit and out comes a flask of whiskey. The man takes a drink.
The man is so happy. "Wow. Thanks. You are a life saver!"
The girl begins to unzip the front of her wet suit. She says seductively, "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?" Excitedly, the man says, "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there too?!"
A man, a sheep and a dog were stranded in an island..
A man, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on an island.
After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze warm and gentle-a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was badly injured when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze-perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon the man started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in, leaned over to the young woman and cautiously whispered in her ear, " Would you mind taking the dog for a walk? "
A Little Head
A man walks into a bar and notices the gentleman next to him has a very small head. After a few beers, he finally asks the gentleman, "Pardon me, but why is your head so small?".
The man began to explain how he was in the Navy and after his ship was struck by a torpedo, and he was stuck on a deserted island for months. "One day," he said "A mermaid magically appeared. She said she could grant any wish I had. I asked to be rescued, and off in the horizon, I saw a coast guard ship heading towards me. I then proceeded to explain how long I had been stuck on the island and asked her for some s**... before being rescued. She explained that it was impossible since she was a mermaid. So instead, I asked her for a little head."
An Olympic swimmer...
...is on a cruise ship, when it hits a reef and sinks. Bobbing in the waves, he spies an island in the distance, makes for it, and barely gets ashore. All he finds on the isle are fruit trees, a female sheep and a big dog. The fruit trees provide sustenance, but he starts to feel lonely. The sheep has luxurious fur, beautiful eyes and long lashes that she shyly bats at him. When he approaches her, the dog viciously attacks and repels him. This goes on for months, until he can hardly bear it.
One day he sees another ship sinking at sea. Swimming out, he sees a woman thrashing in the waves. He saves her as she's about to perish, and hauls her ashore. As luck would have it, she's absolutely gorgeous.
"I'm so grateful to you for saving my life...I'll do anything you ask, as a way to repay you."
The swimmer can't believe his luck. "Anything?"
The young woman smiles coyly. "Anything your heart desires."
"Can you take that big dog over there for a walk?"
Another blonde, brunette, and redhead...
...are stranded on a deserted island. Before long they run out of all their supplies and are left in a hopeless and desperate situation. They determine that one of them will try and swim for the next closest inhabited island 100 miles away.
The redhead volunteers to go, but 40 miles into her swim, she finds herself completely exhausted and drowns.
So the brunette makes her attempt and after making it about 50 miles, can't swim another s**... and drowns.
The blonde, left alone, finally makes her attempt. With grit and determination she swims mile after mile but sure enough, 60 miles into her trip, she determines that she will never make it.
So she turns around and swims back.
A man is on a tropical vacation
A man goes to a pacific island for vacation. As the boat nears, he notices the constant sound of drumming. As he gets off the boat, he asks a native how long the drumming will go on. The native casts about nervously and says "very bad when drumming stops."
Later that day, the drumming is still going and it is really starting to get to him. So, he asks another native when the drumming will stop. The native looks as if he's just been spooked. "Very bad when drumming stops," he says, and hurries off.
After a couple of days with little sleep, the man had had enough. He grabbed the first native he saw, slammed him up against a tree, and shouted, "What happens when the drumming stops?!"
The native replied, "Bass solo."
One Wish
A man encounters a genie one day while walking through the woods and the genie says: "I will grant you a single wish."
The man thinks for a little bit and says: "I really like my job but my commute is terrible. I have to take a ferry every single morning because I live on an island off the coast of the city. It takes way too long. Can you build a bridge between the island I live on and the city where I work so I can drive there every morning?
The genie says; "I don't know about that. Bridges are really complicated to build and one that long is likely to be unstable or dangerous. Do you have any other wishes that are a little more realistic?"
So the man thinks for a little bit and say: "My whole life I've never understood how women think. Can you help me understand women?
The genie then says: "So when do you want me to start building that bridge?"
Jewish sense of humor
Abe and Esther Goldberg were flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.Suddenly, over the public address system, the captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we are going to attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and we will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives."
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
An hour later, Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our charity pledge check to Beth Shalom Synagogue yet?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the c**... landing, then asks,
"Esther, did we pay our United Jewish Appeal pledge?"
"Oy no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.
One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send a check for the Synagogue Building Fund this month?," he asks.
"God forgive me, Abie," begged Esther, "I didn't send that one, either."
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest hug and kiss ever in their 40 long years of marriage.
Esther pulls away and asks him, "So, why do you kiss me?"
Abe answers, "They'll find us!"
A man walks into a bar and sits next to a guy with a little head.......
After having a couple drinks the man asks the other guy, "hey, I don't mean to be rude, but how is it you have such a small head."
The guy replies, "well it's a bitter sweet story. You see when I was in the war my plane got shot down in the Pacific. I parachuted out and ended up on an deserted island."
He continued, "after several months on this deserted island, a beautiful mermaid suddenly appeared and granted me three wishes."
"My first wish is that I'd like to be rescued from this island I told her."
To which the Mermaid said, "tomorrow a rescue boat will find you."
"My second wish is that I'd like to be rich for the rest of my days."
The Mermaid said, "invest early in these companies, and you will be a wealthy man...and what is your final wish?"
"Well Mermaid, you know I've been stranded on this island for so long, and seeing as you are so beautiful, I'd wish for nothing more than to sleep with you."
The Mermaid sighed and said, "I cannot grant you that wish, you see I'm a half fish, it would not work."
Frustrated, the man said, "Well how about a little head then?"