Long Head Jokes
95 long head jokes and hilarious long head puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about long head that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Long Head Short Jokes
Short long head jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The long head humour may include short long neck jokes also.
- It makes my heart race when my GF puts her head in my lap during long road trips So now I only let her do it when it's my turn to drive
- My wife and I were heading out for our date night. The babysitter smiled and said, "you don't need to rush home, take as long as you want!"
That was 2 years ago. I hope she likes being a mom. - Did you hear about the most recent celebrity drug addict? I Don't know how we missed it for so long, but it turns out that Humpy Dumpty was actually a crack head
- A great big bird with a long neck strapped me into a chair and put a gun to my head. I guess you could say I was held ostrich.
- Some joke my dad told me a long time ago What's one profession that doctors, lawyers, even the king of Saudi Arabia and the presidents of the USSR and US bow their heads to?
Barbers. - How long is your hair? I'm not sure, I've never measured it.
But off the top of my head, I'd say four inches. - Before I go on any long journeys, I always put some salt and pepper on my head. I'm a well-seasoned traveller.
- Me and my friends went to the Barbershop after a long quarantine, We sat their and the head barbarian said , Buckle up boys!! it's gonna be hairy.
- What is 13 inches long, has a purple head and makes a woman scream all night long? Crib death.
- What's hard and 16 inches long? Never gonna give you up...
Never gonna let you down...
Good luck not singing that in your head for the next minute
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Long Head One Liners
Which long head one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with long head? I can suggest the ones about large head and long arms.
- Why are giraffes' necks so long? Because their heads are so far from their bodies.
- What is six inches long has a bald head and drives every woman crazy? 100$ bill
- What is that thing which is six inches long, has a head and all the women like it?
- Whats six inches long, has a head on it and drives women wild ?
A fifty pound note ! - You head is so long when you ran in a race you came first and last.
- What's 9 inches long, has a purple head and makes women scream? Cot Death
Experience Good Cheer with Hilarious Long Head Jokes and Friends
What funny jokes about long head you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean long nose jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make long head pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There were five people aboard an airplane having engine trouble getting ready to c**.
.., however, there were only four parachutes. Everyone wondered what should be done to determine who should get the parachutes. One person said that he was the smartest thing that hit the face of the Earth, and that he was too smart to die. So, he took one of the parachutes and jumped out of the aircraft. The second person said that she was too important to die, she had children and a family to take care of, and they depended on her to care for them. So, she took one of the parachutes and jumped out of the aircraft. The third person said that he was too important to die because his family depended on him for survival. He was the head of household and the sole bread winner. So, he took one of the parachutes and jumped out of the aircraft. Finally, there were only two people left, and one parachute. One person was a 12 year old boy, and the other was a 65 year old man. The old man said, "Well son, I have lived a good life, and you are too young to die, you have a long life ahead of you. So, you take the last parachute. The boy asked, "Why, Sir?" The old man said, "Well, there is only one parachute left." The little lad said, "Sir there are really two parachutes left." The old gentlemen asked, excitedly, "Yeah? How?" "Well," replied the boy, "you know that guy who thought he was the smartest and greatest thing that hit the face of the Earth? He grabbed my backpack."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches.
When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.
"Listen," says the doc, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have s**... with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."
Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin.
"Doc! I took our advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"
"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."
"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a REALLY nice house
Two shepherds lean on their crooks at the end of a long day and the first asks the second, "
So, how's it going?"
The second one sighed and shook his head, "Not good, I can't pay my bills, my health isn't good, my kids don't respect me, and my wife is leaving me."
The first replied, "Well, don't lose any sheep over it."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If it took a baby that long to exit the w**..., as it is taking the UK to exit the EU...
Baby's head would be so large that scientists would come to its house and do experiments on it. The head would be primarily bone, almost 99%, and weigh upwards of 85 pounds. It would be a 16 pound baby, carried by its mom to full term plus eight months, born at 17 months, with full head of hair, and a full head of teeth.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
FOUR!
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a f**... of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground, and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist, and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position...still clasping his hands at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel?'
'Feels great,' he replied, 'but I still think my thumb's broken!'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Nagging Wife
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for his death row client.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over n**..., drying his legs and feet and said "They're not hanging Wright tonight!"
He whirled around and screamed,
'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man buys his wife flowers
After a long days work, a man leaves the office and heads home. He stopped at the store on his way to pick up some flowers for his wife, thinking he could possibly get her in the mood tonight.
He walks in the front door to see his wife watching TV, and hands her a dozen roses.
"Thank you so much, honey! These will look great in the vase on the Piano!"
After a long pause, the man asks his wife, "Well, do you know whats better than roses on a piano?"
She sits there puzzled.
"Tulips on an o**...!"
Mental institution
There's a mental institution, and they are having a
patient evaluation, to see if any patients need to be there
any longer. The doctor then goes around questioning the top three candidates.
He goes to the first patient and asks him , "What is 3 times 3?"
After an hour of scratching his head, and with a confused look on his face he replies, "Two-hundred!".
"That is incorrect." The doctor responds.
He then asks the next patient."What is 3 multiplied by 3?" After a long period of time the patient
responds, "Thursday!". "That is incorrect replies the doctor.
He then goes to the next patient and asks him, "What is 3 times 3?"
The patient quickly responds, "Nine!". The doctor then says "Correct!,
how did you figure that out?" The patient then responds, "I multiplied, 200 by Thursday and then
I added three!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Have yourself a laugh on my cake day!
An aide walks into the oval office. George W. Bush is currently president, and the Iraq war is dragging out into a long and grueling occupation. The aide presents the numbers from yesterday to the President.
"Mr. President, yesterday the US coalition forces killed a confirmed 36 insurgents."
The President nodded his head patriotically.
"There were some losses on our end, however." The aide continued. "We lost a US h**... with four soldiers in it to an IED outside of Tekrit, and 2 Brazilian soldiers were killed in a crossfire in Baghdad."
The president nodded solemnly with the news of the h**..., but his face was ashen by the end of the sentence, and he buried his face in his hands. The aide looked startled, "Sir, what's the matter."
With scared eyes, the president looked up and mumbled "How many is a brazilian?"
Texas: The Miracle State
At the urging of his doctor, Bill moved to Texas.
After settling in, he met a neighbor who was also an older man.
"Say, is this really a healthy place?"
"It sure is," the man replied.
"When I first arrived here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room and I had to be lifted out of bed."
"That's wonderful!" said Bill. "How long have you been here?"
"I was born here."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke
He asks the other guy if he has a lighter He replies " Yes i do " and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?" The guy replies " Oh I have a personal genie" The first man asks "Can i make a wish? " Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing" "Ok I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants The man says " I want a Million Bucks " The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head And the guy says to the other " Your genie realy s**... at hearing doesnt He?" The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There is a little boy who wants a bike..
So he goes and asks his mom for a bike to which she replies that maybe if he prays, god will bring him a bike.
So he sits down and writes Jesus a letter .." Dear jesus, if you give me a bike I wont sin for 1 year.."
He walks down to the mailbox but before leaving the house sees his mother's statue of v**... Mary and suddenly feels guilty because he wont be able to avoid sin for that long. Defeated he heads back upstairs.
So he sits down and writes Jesus another letter .." Dear Jesus, if you give me a bike I wont sin for 6 months.."
He walks down to the mailbox but before leaving the house sees the statue of v**... Mary and feels guilty again. So, he picks her up and takes her to his room. He stuffs the statue in his toy box and begins drafting another letter.
"Dear Jesus, if you ever want to see your mother again, give me a bike.."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Long Lost Twins
There's this story on CNN running about these two long lost twins that found each other on Google!
Did ya hear about it?
The o**... down in Mexico, I think, was doing that family tree thing and found out that he had a twin, Ehmal, was taken as a baby with his mother back to the middle east! And these two found each other!
Well the reporter on the CNN kept trying to run the story but for some reason Ehmal was like this anti-computer guy or something cuz he couldn't get a decent picture to the reporter!
They got faxes of pictures that were too dark and phone calls and such but no decent pictures. Frustrated she goes to her producer with the problem, wondering what she should do. Guy scratched his head, thought about it for a while and you know what he said?
Well.... If you seen Juan, you seen Ehmal.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Migraine headaches
There was this guy who constantly get migraine headaches, he tried all different type of drugs and it didn't work for him. So he decided to go to the specialist. He told the doctor about his migraine and also let him know he tried all the drugs that are available in market but they still didn't help him. Doctor said "I know what you mean, I had the same problem, but I did something out of ordinary and it worked. Whenever I get headaches I go down on my wife and give her best o**... s**.... When she about to c**... she squeezes my head with her thighs and its been helping me with my headaches. And you should try it out."
After couple of months doctor meets that guy on street and asks him I haven't seen you for long time after your visit, how's your headaches?
The guy said your technique really worked, but I just have one question who made that portrait of you and your wife top of your bed?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Little Head
A man walks into a bar and notices the gentleman next to him has a very small head. After a few beers, he finally asks the gentleman, "Pardon me, but why is your head so small?".
The man began to explain how he was in the Navy and after his ship was struck by a torpedo, and he was stuck on a deserted island for months. "One day," he said "A mermaid magically appeared. She said she could grant any wish I had. I asked to be rescued, and off in the horizon, I saw a coast guard ship heading towards me. I then proceeded to explain how long I had been stuck on the island and asked her for some s**... before being rescued. She explained that it was impossible since she was a mermaid. So instead, I asked her for a little head."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three men are in a balloon...
an Australian, an American and a t**.... The balloon is being weighed down so the Australian says, "My country has to much Vegemite" and threw a jar of Vegemite over the side. The American says, "My country has to many Hot Dogs" and threw a Hot dog over the side. Still the hot air balloon is to heavy so the t**... says, "My country has to many bombs" and threw a bomb over the side. Later when the men are walking they came across a woman in tears, they stopped to ask what the matter was, "I was taking my cat to the Vet for a check up and a jar of Vegemite fell on its head and it died". After consoling her the three men went on. Not to long after they came across a homeless man looking very happy, they asked him what he was so happy about and he answered, "God answered my prayer, he dropped a Hot Dog into my hands". Later on the men were walking and they came across a man laughing his head off. The three men asked him "Whats so funny?" and he answered "I was watching TV, and i f**... so hard that my whole house blew up"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I work at a restaurant...
I work at a restaurant. A woman and her young son came walking through the door early in the morning.
I immediately approached after they were seated and asked,"What will it be today?"
The young boy was quick to exclaim,"I WISH TO DEVOUR THE UNBORN!!!"
There was a long silence.
His mother then put one hand on her head and said,"Eggs.... He wants eggs."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A married pair of Biologists are camping in China...
And after a long day of cataloging the various flora and fauna, they get down to a little love making...
When suddenly, the man feels an ungodly pressure in his stomach. He leaves hastily to the woods to find a suitable place to relieve himself, leaving his wife alone in the tent.
Outside the tent, she can hear a rustling, and after a few tense moments, a Panda sticks its head through the tent flap. It lurches in, tears off the woman's blanket and swiftly goes about l**... her lady parts with incredible skill.
Needless to say the woman is flabbergasted, but is taken by the sheer skill of the Panda's tongue, when suddenly, the Panda perks up its ears and scurries out of the tent and into the wilderness. The man returns moments later, having heard her cries of passion...
Amid gasps, she tells him about the Panda and its strange behavior. The man flips through his handbook to the section on Pandas to glean further information...
"Panda: An Asian species of bear, native to China. Eats bushes and leaves."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What car brands mean
Ford-Flipped Over Rebuilt Dodge
Pontiac-Plan On Numerous Trips In Another Car
Fiat- Fix It Again Tony
Chevrolet-Cracked Heads, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time
Nissan-Needless Innovations, Silly, s**..., Automotive Nonsense
GM-Gluteus Maximus
GMC-God's Mechanical Curse
LTD-Long, Thin Dumpster
Oldsmobile-Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Every day.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A doctor had s**......
A doctor had s**... with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have s**... with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."
But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering...
"You're a veterinarian, you sick s**... fiend."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My grandfather sent me this in an email this morning.
Frank is 85 and lives in a Senior Citizens Home. Every night after dinner he goes to a secluded garden behind the home to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mildred, age 82, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.
After a short lull in their conversation, Frank turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"
She asks, "What?''
"s**...." he replies.
Mildred exclaims, "Why you old toot. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"
"I know," Frank says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while."
"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.
Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Frank's thingie.
Then one night Frank didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find him and make sure he was O.K.
She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Frank's little pal!
Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing son-of-a-gun!! What does Ethel have that I don't have?"
Old Frank smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Rancher Abe and his mating bull
Abe the rancher was having issues with his stock because his prized bull would not mate. Abe's friends told him to try a v**... smear technique.
They told Abe to get a cow and rub the v**... juices and then rub it onto and under the bulls nose
Sure enough, Abe's prized bull when crazy and began to mate that day.
After a long day of success Abe headed back to his home where his wife was sound asleep. He saw his wife laying there and though maybe he'd give the v**... smear technique at try on himself. He reached into her p**..., fondled around and smeared the juices all over his nose.
Instantly he felt a surge, he was up and ready to go. He tried to wake up his wife, "Honey! Honey get up! I have something important to show you!"
Abe's wife looked at him in shock "Abe! You woke me up to tell me you had a nose bleed?!?!"
Charlie the Street Car Conductor
Long joke that is passed down in my family
So down in New Orleans there lived a man named Charlie. Charlie ever since he was a young boy wanted to grow up to be a streer car conductor. When he finally became old enough, he applied for the job and lo and behold he got it. Now Charlie was the friendliest street conductor that the city has ever seen. Not only did he never complain about his job, but also he greeted everyone who boarded his street car and treated them like family. Everything in his life was perfect for Charlie until one day he decided to operate the street car after having a few drinks. In his drunken state, he crashed the streetcar and killed all the passengers. After going to court Charlie was sentences to death by the eletric chair. When the day came for his execution, a gaurd visited Charlie's cell and asked him what he wanted for his final meal. Charlie replied, "I want a rotten tomato and a raw fish." After Charlie finished his meal he headed into the execution room and sat down in the eletric chair. The warden gave the order to pull the switch and the room went dark as thousands of volts passed through Charlies body. After the switch was thrown back it came as a suprise that Charlie was in fact still alive. Having no idea what else to do the warden let Charlie out of jail but banned him from ever operating a streetcar in New Orleans. Since street cars were his life Charlie decided "Hey I'll go to Japan, I hear they have fancy new street cars there." In Japan Charlie gets a job as a conductor again, but as before decides that after having a few drinks that he is still able to work the street car. To no suprise Charlie crashes the stree car and kills all the passengers. Charlie again finds himself in jail ordering his last meal. "A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. After the meal was eaten, Charlie was led to the chair and once again survives the eletricity. Because he wasn't dying, he was set free but banned from operating the street cars in Japan. Charlie thought to himself, "Well I heard San Francisco still has street cars operating so I'll go there." As you can guess Charlie ends up in the same situation and again orders the same meal " A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. The warden from San Francisco had heard of Charlie and his previous death sentences so before he brought Charlie in to be executed he sent a letter to the mayor asking to reroute the city's eletricity to the jail. The mayor approved and confident with his new found power the warden smiled and gave the order to pull the switch. The lights in the room burst from the overload and the smell of something burning overwelmed the air. The warden after a minute ordered the gaurd to shut off the chair and as the smoke cleared, there was Charlie same as always. Distraught with emotion, the warden told Charlie to get out of his sights. Charlie, tired of going to jail, finally decided that maybe he shouldn't be a street car conductor after all. So Charlie travels back to New Orleans and meets his friend Thibodaux at a bar. Thibodaux after a few minutes of small talk tells Charlie "Everyone has heard about the eletric chair incidents and I just gotta axe, how were you able to survive all them jolts of electricity through your body? Was there something you did that made you resistant to it?" Charlie looks at Thibodaux and says "I dunno, I guess I was just a bad conductor."
Hot girl at prom
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there's a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there's a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there's a large limo line at the rental office, but he's patient and gets the job done.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there's no punchline.
On the green of the 18th hole after a horrible day of golf...
The golfer says to his caddy: "I swear, if I don't make this putt I'm going to drown myself in the water hazard". To which his caddy replied: "You think you can keep your head down that long?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Guy has s**... with woman
Guy walking home one late night and stumbles across a woman laying on the train tracks, he then decides to take her home and have s**....
The next morning the guy goes to the pub for a drink, sits down huffing and puffing and the bartender says "Busy night" the guy says yes i had a long night worth of s**..., the bartender then asks "Did you get a BJ?" the guy replies "Na i could not find her head"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Bacon tree
Two Mexican brothers are lost in the desert.
They're hungry and thirsty, and have been walking for miles on end.
Suddenly, Jose yells at his brother. "Brother! Do you smell that? It smells like bacon!"
He rushes ahead, and sure enough, over the next dune, he sees it. A bacon tree. Glorious strips of crispy bacon, glistening in the sun, waiting to be eaten.
Jose runs head long at the tree, just as his brother climbs the dune behind him. Suddenly two machine guns pop out of the bacon tree and cut him down!
He turns to his brother, and with his last breath he yells out
"Brother! Is not a Bacon Tree!"
"Is..."
"Is a..."
"Is a Hambush..."
[OC] Al Gore decides to write a series of educational songs about the environment.
He presents the head of the production company with the lyrics for his songs, including the lyrics for one song about animals in forest habitats, which has over 500 lines.
The head of the production company says, "wait, this song is way too long! This isn't a very efficient way of conveying your message."
Al Gore replies, "efficient? Of course it isn't! It's a brute-forest Al Gore rhythm!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The p**...
A little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up. The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about every 15 seconds or so, he puts the book down, grips onto the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of his head with his right hand.
His mother says: "Billy, are you all right? You've been in here for a while."
Billy says: "I'm fine, Mommy. I just haven't gone p**... yet."
Mother says, "Ok, you can stay here a few more minutes, but, Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?"
Billy says, "It works for ketchup."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Nuns see a n**... man statue in the park!
So the man is about to have s**... with his lady, he's n**... and ready to go, when his lady says she has to have bubblegum. So he runs out b**...-n**... thru the park at night to the store, buys the gum, and is headed back thru the park when he sees three nuns coming. So he just stands on the side of the walkway like a statue, thinking the nuns will just walk on by. Well, the first nun walks up and says, "Look a vending machine!", and pulls on the handle. The man opens his left hand and she says, "I got gum!". The second nun pulls the handle, the man opens his right hand, and she says, "I got change!". The third nun pulls on the handle and says, "I GOT HANDCREAM!!!".
(this is an old joke I heard a long time ago, I don't know its origin or author, I just thought I would share.) ~Skip
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Safety in Snowplows
A blond gets into her car while an incredibly powerful winter storm surrounds her. She starts the car and puts it in drive when suddenly her anxiety sets in. The horrible weather begins to worry her; she fears that she won't ever get home in it.
It's at this time (and through a s**... of luck) she notices a snowplow in the distance up ahead. After a huge sigh of relief she keeps pace with the plow feeling it's safety as it clears the snow in front of her.
Multiple hours pass by when eventually the plow truck pulls over. The driver gets out and approaches her car window. When she rolls it down, he asks: "Why have you been following me for so long? Are you okay?" She replies: "My dad had always told me to follow a snowplow in a blizzard when the roads feel unsafe."
The snowplow driver shrugs his shoulders and replies: "Okay... well I'm finished with this parking lot, I'm heading over to do the one across the street next."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So, how about a free haircut?
A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks "Hey, Buddy! how long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber look around the shop full of customers and says "about 2 hours," and the guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks..."how long before I can get a haircut?"
Again, the barber looks around at shop full of customers and says "about 2 hours." The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks "how long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says "about an hour and a half". The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says "Hey, Joey, I'll give you a free cut if you follow that guy and see where he goes."
In a little while, Joey comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber says, "this must be good, where did that fool go when he left here?"
Joey says, "**To your house!**"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Italian guy meets a rabbi on a train...
They chat for a while, and soon the Italian pulls some sausage out of his pack and offers some to the rabbi.
"Is it made of pork?", he asks.
"Yes", replies the Italian.
"Well then I can't eat it. It's not kosher. God's law."
A little while later, the Italian cracks a bottle of wine and offers the rabbi some.
Rabbi looks at the bottle. "Thanks, but it's not kosher. God's law"
Italian says, "Your god is very strict. What would happen if there was nothing kosher to eat or drink?"
"God makes exceptions in cases of life and death", replies the rabbi.
At this, the Italian pulls out a p**..., points it at the rabbi's head and says, "Drink the wine!" The rabbi, with a very annoyed expression, complies, taking a nice long sip.
The Italian apologizes. "I just wanted you to have a taste of the wine."
Rabbi glares at him and replies, "Where was the gun when you had some sausage left?"
Every woman is wild about it...
It's hard...
It has a large purple head...
It's stiff...
It's about 5 inches long...
WHAT IS IT?
((cot death))
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two elderly ladies are smoking outside...
It stared raining and one of the ladies pulls out a c**..., cuts the end off and puts it over her cigarette so it won't get wet. The other lady thinks this is a great idea so she decides to head to the store to buy some condoms.
When she gets there she goes to the counter and asks the cashier for a pack of condoms. He looks at her in disgust as he can't believe someone of her age would be having s**.... He asks what kind she would like anyways as he doesn't want to lose his job.
She replys "honey, it doesn't matter what kind as long as it fits a camel"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old, old man goes into a confessional.
He says, "Father, I"m not sure where to start."
The priest say, Well, what do I need to know?"
The old man says, "Father, last night I was havin' a drink, alone, at the bar, and I told the bartender it was my birthday, but I was all alone. Right then, a beautiful, sweet, 18-year-old blonde came up and said I shouldn't be alone on my birthday. She insisted on buyin' me a drink, and then insisted on taking me back to her apartment, where she introduced me to her gorgeous red-headed best friend. Well, one thing led to another, and we had all s**... all night long."
"Well," said the priest, "that's pretty bad, but I can understand. Say five Hail Mary's and two Our Father's, and don't do it again."
"I don't know those," said the old man, "I'm Jewish."
"Then why are you telling me?"
"I'm tellin' everybody!!"
Canadian joke
What's red, 6 inches long, has a head, but can also be brown, blue, or green? [Answer](/s "Money")
A man and his wife go to a class reunion.....
A man and his wife go to a class reunion after a grueling 4 hour drive. When they arrive they're given name tags and head to the gymnasium.
They start talking to some friends when the wife is starting to get thirsty. So she asks the husband to go get in line to give her some punch.
He returns after 10 minutes with one empty cup, and when the wife asks about her drink the husband replies,
"Sorry honey, the punchline was too long and it wasn't that good"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Joe was heading towards the end of a round of golf...
...when hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty, yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden, p**...! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She yelled, I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?
Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life.
Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.
As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!
Then p**...! she was gone!
After Joe recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, Bill, where are you?
Bill yells back, I'm over here in the pussywillows.
Joe shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, BILL. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING !
A woman goes to her doctor complaining that every time her husband comes home from drinking he beats her......
The doctor says that next time he comes home, open a bud light, take a swig and keep it in her mouth as long as possible without swallowing. Wife says ok and heads home
Two days later she is back and tells the doctor that it work amazingly, her husband came home drunk, so she grabbed the bud light, took as swig and kept it in her mouth for nearly ten minutes, her husband didn't hit her once!
Doctor looks at her and says "amazing what happens when you keep your mouth shut"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two midgets go into a bar...
Two midgets go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.
The first midget, however, is unable to get an e**.... His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of Here I come again … ONE, TWO, THREE…UUH! all night long.
In the morning, the second midget asks the first, How did it go?
The first mutters, It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a e**....
The second midget shook his head. You think that's embarrassing? …. I couldn't even get on the bed!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke
Two men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke. He asks the other guy if he has a lighter and he replies "Yes I do!" and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter.
Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?"
The guy replies "Oh I have a personal genie."
The first man asks "Can I make a wish?"
Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing"
"Ok I will" says the other. As he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants.
The man says "I want a million bucks,"
The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head
The guy says to the other "Your genie really s**... at hearing doesnt he?"
The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why is it quicker to build a snowman than a snowwoman?
It takes too long to hollow out her head.
(I got this one from my uncle)
A young woman had been taking golf lessons all week long.
She'd just begun her first game of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense, she couldn't continue her game. She decided to go back to the clubhouse and get some medical attention.
Her golf Pro saw her enter the clubhouse and asked,
"Why are you back so soon?" What's wrong?"
"I was stung by a bee," she answered.
"Where?," he asked.
"Between the first and second holes," she replied.
He nodded his head knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."
Golf is like urinating in a public toilet
- Keep your back straight
- knees bent.
- Feet shoulder width apart.
- Form a loose Grip
- keep your head down
- avoid a quick backswing
- stay out of the water
- try not to hit anybody
- if you taking too long you should let others go ahead of you
- you shouldn't stand directly in front of others
- be quite when others are about to go
- keep strokes to a minimum
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'd had enough. I decided to kill my wife.
But I couldn't do it myself, so I asked around. I eventually heard of a big guy named Arty who kills people for $1. All you have to do is give him a picture and place of work. I found him, gave him the dollar and a picture of my wife.
"She works at Walmart", I said.
He just shook his head, got up, and left. Just like that. I wasn't there, but people say he grabbed her by the t**... and started choking her. It wasn't long before a security guard rushed over. Arty was so big he grabbed both of them. One neck per hand. And killed them both.
It's hard to believe but it's true. They even ran a story about it in the local paper. "Arty chokes 2 for $1 at Walmart".
A concerned husband goes to his priest...
"Father, I think my wife is trying to poison me. Every time she makes me something to eat, the rat poison bottle gets lighter and lighter."
Troubled by hearing this, the priest tells the man, "I will go and speak with your wife and see what is going on here."
The priest then heads to their home and sits down with the wife and has a long discussion. He then comes back to talk to the husband.
"I've spoken with your wife for over 45 minutes about this", the priest said.
The husband looks intently at the priest, "Yeah, what should I do?"
The priest calmly says "you should take the poison."
Napping at work
Sometimes, when I'm sure people can only see the back of my head, I enjoy sneaking in a quick catnap at work. They never last too long though, invariably someone rings the bell telling me they want to get off my bus.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy walks in on his wife cheating on him
A guy walks in on his wife cheating on him with his best friend, so he heads to the bar to drown his sorrows.
He walks up to the bar and the bartender notices hes upset so he asks "why the long face?"
"I just caught my wife having s**... with my best friend," says the guy.
To which the bartender replies, "thats terrible! What did you say to your wife when you caught her?"
"I told her to pack her stuff and get out of my house immediately."
"Well what did you say to your best friend," asks the bartender.
"Bad boy"
I asked a red headed friend of mine what I could do to be just like him.
His response was "You have to go through the long and tough process of becoming a redhead." So, as of today, I have started the process of being trans-gingered.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A horse walks into a bar...
The bartender says, "why the long face?" The horse screams, "I will end you!" And bites the bartender in the t**.... A priest, a nun, and a rabbi who were just approaching the entrance quietly turn and walk away as the horse shakes the bartender vigorously back and forth screaming, "why the floppy head?! Why the floppy head?!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Woman Saved by Ugly man
Ugly guy walks into a bar with a huge smile on his face.
***Bar keep*** asks him 'what are you so happy about?'
***Ugly guy*** says 'Well I was walking home and I found this woman tied to the train tracks, I untie her and we go back to my place. We do it every way imaginable, all night long!'
***Bar keep*** says 'Wow that's some story! What did she look like?'
***Ugly guy*** says 'I dunno, never found the head'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Drinking tea is bad for you.
Tea is more dangerous than beer. You should avoid it, and just say NO.
I discovered this last night. I had drunk 14 beers, until 3:00 am at the pub, while my wife was sitting at home, drinking tea.
You should have seen how angry and violent she was when I got home.
I was peaceful, silent, and heading to bead as she shouted at me... All Night Long. Even into the next morning!
Please, ladies.... If you can't handle your tea, then just don't drink it!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Fighting Against Real Truths
I thought I knew what you really were
I thought you could ease my pain
Put an end to all this aching
And make me laugh again
I've known your kind before
I thought you weren't the same
Just trying to get in my pants
And fill my head with shame
I've held onto you for too long
So now I'll let you free
Nobody to witness
It's only you and me
Sure doesn't come out easy
But it's coming from the heart
Luckily no one can see
That it wasn't just a f**...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A l**... walks into a bar & tells the bartender...
A l**... walks into a bar & tells the bartender "I know I'm disgusting looking but If you could please serve me a scotch I'd be grateful, I'll leave if I'm too much to stomach." Bartender says "No problem, as long as your paying I'll pour."
So the bartender pours the l**... a drink & then starts gagging. the l**... say's he'll leave but the bartender says "No it's ok." So the l**... orders another scotch & the bartender pours the drink then vomits. the l**... says "you don't have to pretend I'm not hideous I can leave." The bartender shakes his head & says " what you look like isn't a big deal, but the guy next to you keeps dipping his chips in your arm."
Three bass players walk into a bar.
They're actually in the middle of performing Beethoven's 9th symphony, but there's a long section near the end where the basses don't play, so they decide to go to the bar next door and grab a drink.
To know when to come back for the end of the symphony, the bassists tie a string to the conductor's score a few pages before they start playing again. When he turns the page, it'll tug on the string and they'll know to head back to the concert hall.
So the symphony goes on, and pretty soon the conductor realizes he's in trouble.
It's the bottom of the ninth, the score is tied, and the basses are loaded.
My wife has got really long black hair running down her back
God, I wish it was on her head.
A woman visits a monastery
She asks the head monk a few questions about improving her concentration in her daily life, but the monk says the answer is too long. He offers to e-mail her later, which leads her to ask, "Are monks allowed to use e-mail?" to which the monk replies, "Sure, as long as they don't have any attachments."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The story of my username
It was a cold August night. The inky black harbor was quiet, almost too quiet. As a walked down the cobblestoned steps a breeze sent a chill down my back. Fog clouded my vision, but as I boarded my modest little steamer I could see so clearly in my mind, an image. I tried to rid my mind of this thought, but the more I tried the harder it became. On the dock I was, and very close to dock was what thought was in my head. So I thought of the unintelligible nonsense Ramavian_Zola, which, to this day, I use to clearly my mind of those thoughts that are so hard and plague my mind for so long, and so e**... in my head.
Hit it on the head
The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.
The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he's the village blacksmith.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man dies and goes to heaven
A man goes to heaven and meets St Peter
He stood at the pearly gates. St Peter says to the man, Okay, so I've just looked through your life history and it turns out, I can't let you in to heaven.
The man is shocked, but quickly asks, Okay St Peter, what can I do now?
St Peter says to the man, You're going to h**.... But I can give you two options. You may choose to get horns, or a tail.
The man thinks to himself for a long while. He then says to St Peter, What will happen if I get the horns?
St Peter snaps his fingers and a tv screen appears, showing a man screaming and getting holes drilled into his head.
The man says, Just give me a tail, I already have the hole!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy falls in love with a very traditional and conservative girl...
…that means no s**... before marriage. But he does not care, he loves her. After a year of dating he decides its time to propose to her. So he heads to her father's house to ask for his blessing.
‟Hello, sir, I am here to ask for your daughter's hand
A bit skeptical and looking to see if he really does love her, the father asks ‟And why is that?
The guy lets out a long drawn out sigh… ‟Well, its just that mine have gotten tired.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Dr. Mike had s**... with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Mike, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of your patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, Mike."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:
What's wrong with you Mike, you're a veterinarian.
It was going to be a long road trip. I popped on my headphones, pulled up a movie on my phone, and got lost in the action as the car headed down the highway.
The passengers probably wished that I'd waited until I wasn't driving to do that.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There was a slightly long bridge, wide enough for only one car and one day, two cars tried to cross over from opposite directions and met at the middle of the bridge, obviously unable to get past the other......
One driver poked his head out of his window and yelled - "I don't make way for idiots!"
The second guy rolled his window down and yelled back - "I do!" and backed up his car...
The Last Fight
The battle was long, perilous, and gruesome. The twins made it through nearly three quarters of the enemy battalion before reaching the final lines of the fray. They saw the end stretching over the thin horizon.
With their dwindling energy, they let out another strained cry for battle, and lifted their chipped tools, charging nearly head first into death.
The final line proved too brutal for their torn souls, slipping from the elbows of war and plunging hard into the revolting, fetid puddle beneath them.
This is the last time I wear long sleeves while doing dishes.
A pirate captain was sailing to Antarctica in search of treasure.
One morning, his first mate woke him.
Captain, the ship won't move! The ocean is frozen solid!
The pirate captain rose from his bed, yawned, and stretched. After a good scratch, he put on his boots and coat, and strode out of his quarters.
As he arrived at the bow of the ship, his men gathered around in nervous anticipation. He pulled out his pocket telescope and took a good, long look around the entire horizon. He collapsed his telescope, placed it back in his pocket, and clasped his hands behind his back. After some time, he tipped his head down toward his first mate and said:
Ice sea.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Donald Trump was walking through Manhattan and saw a long queue. Wondering what is was for, he joined it.
People would look over their shoulder, see that is was Donald Trump behind them, and leave the queue, so he would proceed closer and closer to the front.
As he was getting closer to the head of the queue, he asked o**..., who also looked and was about to walk away, "Wait a second, what is this queue for and why are you now leaving it?"
The man said "This is the queue for Canadian Immigration Visas, but if you are getting one, I don't need one now."
