Long Explained Jokes

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only."
Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works.
"We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
The women start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thin."
The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here have it long and thin."
Still, this isn't good enough so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thick."
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here have it long and thick."
The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left.
Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

Bill O'Reilly and his chauffeur accidentally hit and kill a farmer's pig while driving through the country.
O'Reilly tells the chauffeur to apologize to the farmer.
They drive up to the farm, and the chauffeur goes inside.
He is gone for a long time.
When the driver returns, he explains his long absence, "Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife made me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses."
"Why were they so grateful?" O'Reilly asks.
The chauffeur replies, "I don't know. All I told him was that I was Bill O'Reilly's driver and I'd just killed the pig."

A private school was recently faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lip stick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. 
Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back. 
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. 
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. 
There are teachers... and then there are educators.

A middle school in Oregon

According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirrors leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors. He took out a long-handled brush, dipped it into the toilet and scrubbed the mirror.
Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

One of my favorites

A little boy and his mother are in a department store shopping one afternoon. The mother decides to try some clothes on and tells her son to wait outside the changing room for her. A few minutes later she walks out to find her son has his hand up the dress of a mannequin in the store. She quickly rushes over and slaps her sons hand exclaiming "don't ever stick your hand up a girls dress!" The boy seems confused and asks why. His mother explains that "girls have teeth up there and you could lose a finger" Never learning any different several years pass and the boy is now in his teens and has managed to get himself a girlfriend. After a couple months of making out with his girlfriend after school she one day asks him why he never puts his hand up her dress when they are kissing. The boy says "are you crazy I'm not going to put my hand up your dress, you have teeth up there and I could lose a finger." Confused the girl lifts up her dress to show him and says "what are you talking about there aren't any teeth up there" The boy takes a good long look and says "Yeah...not with gums like those"

Computer gender joke

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"


Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is impossible to understand for everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval;
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group concluded that computers should be masculine ("el computador"), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem;
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer you could have gotten a better model.

Anything you want, baby.

There once was a man who had done everything his wife told him to since the day they were married. Whether it was taking out the trash, doing the dishes, or pulling weeds, he did it the second she asked.
Then one day, his son decided that he had been befuddled as to why he did this for to long. So he confronted his father while he was cleaning the bathroom.
"Daddy," the young boy said, "Why do you do everything Mommy says?"
"Well son, before you were born, even before your mom and I were married, I made a promise that if I did anything she asked, I could decide your name." The father explained.
The boy walked away with it, relieved he finally had an answer.
However, the boy later reminded his father of the question and asked:
"Was it worth it, Daddy?'
The father, without hesitating said, "Yes, Goku, yes it was."

An elder couple goes to restaurant in Paris

An elder couple goes to a restaurant for the man's 100th birthday. Upon entering a favorite restaurant of his, they found out it is fully booked.
In an attempt to seal a table still, the woman starts explaining how her husband fought in World War II for his country, that he came to this particular restaurant with his army friends. He probably wouldn't live much longer than this, and though his army friends were long gone, he wanted to dine here one last time.
Moved by his story the manager fixed them a table and gave them the best possible service he could. After a wealthy fine dinner, with some really great wines the couple proceeds to check out.
When paying the manager asked the man, who had been rather quiet so far, if everything was ok. To which the man replied: Das Essen war sehr gut, vielen Dank!

Military Benefits

Cpl. Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Cpl. Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain decided one day to stand in the back of the room to observe and listen to Jones' sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the room full of new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government will pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries.
If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."
"Now," he concluded, "which enlistees do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

GI Insurance

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."
"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

A priest is on a bus (kinda long)...

...and spots a very beautiful nun sitting a couple of rows ahead. He was about to approach her when he remembered that nuns took vows of celibacy. Disheartened, he sat down. The bus driver, noticing this, asked the priest, "What's wrong?" The priest explained his situation to the driver. The driver was silent for a bit, then he said, "I have an idea that can resolve your predicament. I know for a fact that every night, the nun visits the graveyard to pay respect to the dead. What you have to do is dress up like Jesus Christ and she will do anything you command." The priest, doubtful, asked, "Are you sure this will work?" The bus driver responded, "Positively, you just have to try." So the next day, as darkness fell, the priest put on his costume and went to the graveyard. Sure enough, the nun was there. He approached her, and the nun, shocked and amazed by the sight of the Lord, stood silently in awe. The priest then told her to bend over and proceeded to have her way with her. When he was done he removed his costume and exclaimed, "Surprise, it's me, the priest!" The nun, without further ado, removed her veil and said, "Surprise, it's me, the bus driver!"

Lipstick Girls

A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.
Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm. They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them.
The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean.
The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.
That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.

The Final Exam

The weekend before their big history final, four college buddies decided to go to St. Louis to party with friends. However, after partying all night, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Springfield until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking their history final then, they decided to find their professor after it was over and explain to her why they had missed it.
They had gone to St. Louis for the weekend, they told her, and had planned to come back in time for the test, but on the way back, they'd taken a short cut down a dirt road and had had a flat tire. They didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and as a result they missed the final.
The Professor thought about it awhile and then agreed they could make up the final the following day.
The guys were elated. They studied together that evening and, the next morning, arrived for the test. The professor placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem. It asked:
"(For 5 points) On what date was the Declaration of Independence ratified?"
"Cool," they thought at the same time, each in his separate room. "This test is going to be a breeze."
Each wrote July 4, 1776 and then turned the page.
On the second page was written:
"(For 95 points): Which tire?"

Great joke to make fun of any profession that is hard to get a job in

I'll be using a musician, since I'm a frustrated musician.
There once was a musician looking for a job, he was starting to get desperate since it had been so long since he made any money. One day he gets excited finding out that there's an opening for a musician in the Circus so he goes to the interview.
Arriving at the Circus, the Circus owner explains to him that unfortunately the musician job opportunity had already been taken, but if he really needed a job he had one for him...the musician is disappointed but so desperate he says he will be up to anything.
The circus owner shows him what he has to do, he has to dress up as a deer and cross the high rope over a cage full of hungry lions... hesitant, but desperate the musician accepts.
On his first night in the job, the musician gets ready for his performance, dresses up as a deer and starts crossing the high rope, when he is halfway through he falls, right into the middle of the lions and all the lions immediately surround him.
The lions start running towards him, getting closer and closer until the closest one is right in front of his face...
The lion takes off his mask and says "don't worry! just play along! we're all musicians!"

My boss has some winners, but I always get a chuckle from this one. (Pretty Long)

A man and his dog walk into a bar, the man sits down, and his dog follows in suit. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The man orders a shot of whiskey and drinks it as soon as the glass hits the bar. "That'll be $3.50." the bartender says promptly. "What if I told you that my dog is able to talk? Would you let me drink for free?" The bartender quickly rebuts. "A talking dog? Sure, why not" So the man looks to his dog and asks Ol' Scruffy; "Scruffy! Tell this barkeep what keeps this bar dry during rainy days" "Ruff!" the dog says. The bartender, now frustrated, says "Ok Pal, Where's my $3.50?" The man waves him off and explains that Scruffy is merely jesting and orders another shot, which the bartender pours and watches the shot disappear. "Ok Scruffy, who is the greatest baseball player that has ever played the game?" "Ruff!" The dog replies with a wagging tail. The bartender now gets fed up with the man and his "talking" dog and throws them to the street. The man gets up, wipes his face and looks to Scruffy. Scruffy looks up and says "Well, I guess I should have said Joe DiMaggio"

The lipstick problem

My local middle school had a problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

Selling war insurance

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:"If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000. "
"Now," he concluded," which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

A man takes his wife golfing

They always go together every Sunday for the past 25 years of their marriage
One Sunday they got to the 9th hole and the woman stops her husband and says "Honey, we've been together 25 years and I trust you with all of my heart. With that being said, I haven't been completely honest with you during this relationship."
The wife goes on and eventually explains to the husband that she was actually born a man.
The husband is in shock and walks away in anger after hearing the news.
Finally the husband returns after thinking long and hard about what he had just heard and says to his wife: ......."You mean to tell me all of these years you've been hitting from the women's tees?!"

Golf jokes today is it? Here's mine

A three-man group, a doctor, a priest, and an engineer are playing a golf course on a beautiful summer day. After a few holes they realize the group ahead of them is progressing incredibly slowly; the doctor flags down the groundskeeper and asks "What's taking them so long? I've got patients to see this afternoon!"
The grounds keeper explains, "Well, we had a fire in the clubhouse a few years back. A group of firefighters was able to save it, but they lost their sight in the blaze. Since then, we allow them to play for free whenever they like."
The doctor responds, "That's terrible! I'll speak with the ophthalmologists I know, perhaps one of them can help these poor men."
The priest nods before adding, "I'll keep these men in my prayers and see about getting donations from my congregation for the families"
The engineer looks at the doctor, priest, and groundskeeper and asks, "Why can't they just play at night?"

At the office during lunch, Susan from sales stands up and yells, "53!".

All her other coworkers in the canteen laugh hysterically. A moment later Bob from accounting stands up and says, "41!". All in the canteen laugh even more loudly. A new hire in the canteen asks his coworker to his left, Joe from marketing, what was going on. Joe's answer: "We have hundreds of jokes circulating throughout the office, and each one is assigned a different number. Most of the jokes are very long, so to save time, instead of telling the entire joke, we just announce the number of the joke instead." At this moment Derek from the IT department, in the back of the canteen, stands up and squeaks in a rather uninspired way, "12!" No one laughs. Joe from marketing explains to the new hire, "some people just can't tell a good joke."

Kiss The Mirror

A middle school for girls was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirrors leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called several of the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day. To demonstrate how much work they were making for the custodian, she asked him to clean one of the mirrors while the girls watched. The custodian took a long-handled brush, dipped it into the nearest toilet, and proceeded to scrub the mirror. From that day on, the problem of lip prints on the mirrors was completely eliminated.

Airman Jones was assigned

to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000. Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

One, day little Johnny asks his father,

"Daddy where do i come from?"
The mother and father, had been preparing for this, for a very long time.
"Well son, when a Man and a Woman love each-other very much..."
After explaining the details and science to his Son, who had a puzzled look on his face the Father turned to his child,
"Well son, does that answer your question?"
"Not really Susan from school told me she came from Italy."

A brunette, a ginger, and a blonde...

...go on a survivalist show where they are to survive for as long as possible in the desert. Each can bring one item, but they need to justify to the producers how it will assist their survival. The brunette shows up with a canteen, explaining to the producers that a method of carrying water is critical. The ginger shows up with an umbrella, explaining that it's imperative that the sun be kept off the skin. When the blonde shows up, she's carrying a car door. When the producers ask why, she tells them that if it gets too hot, she wants to be able to open the window.

Slow learner

A man goes to work one Monday morning and notices on of his coworkers has two big bandages on both of his ears.
"What happened to your ears?" he asks.
"Well, its a long story." he replies, "You see, my wife and I are planning a trip with my sister in law, and we were expecting a phone call from her on Sunday. I was watching the football game and my wife was ironing some laundry behind me. The phone rang, so I reached back to answer it, but when I put the phone to my ear I realized I had grabbed the iron by mistake!"
"Well that explains one ear, but what happened to the other?"
"Well, wouldn't you know it, she called back."

The Baker

A Baker specializing in making Rye bread is disheartened. He works long hours and while his wages are decent, they are nothing special. He wants to strike it rich and make something of himself.
He hears that a lot of money can be make for trapping in the Canadian wilderness so he sells his bakery and moves to Canada to fulfill his dreams.
Unfortunately it doesn't go as planned. He is making even less money than before. After a while he fears he will not have enough money to feed himself.
He goes to a bar to drown his sorrows, and explains this all to a man at the bar. The Baker asks him what he should do.
I he man says, "if at furs you don't succeed, try rye again."